Chapters The Offer Lesson 1: Focus Lesson 1, Part Two: Prankical Practice Lesson 1, Part Three: Pinkie Takes The Lead Interlude: Ineffective Interventions Lesson 2: True Chaos Lesson 2, Part Two: Preparation leads to Pranking Interlude: Escalation and Desperation Lesson 3:Ali-Sight Interlude: Dreamwalker, meet Dreamtalker Lesson 4: The Great Time Bush Lesson 4, Part 2: Crossover, Crossover, Crossover! Lesson 4, Part 3: It's Time For Pinkiemaniacs! Lesson 4, Part 4: The Flirt-Off Interlude, Part 1: Button's Birthday Interlude, Part 2: The Second Date Metamorphosis Reunion Lesson5?: The Magical Spectrum "Discord. Pinkie Pie. System. FIGHT!" Epilogue: An Expansion, an Explanation, and an End Bonus Chapter: Alternate Ending to "Step Right in and Start Again" Side Story: "What's This Button Do?" Original cover art by JazzieQ .
Discord sighed in relief as he watched the Mane Six fly away to annihilate Tirek once and for all. This gambit of his had been extremely difficult to pull off, more so than anything he'd ever attempted in the past. The trick, as always,had been in the blinders, mental, not physical. He would have summoned a pair to help make his point, but no magic, remember? Anyway, the key was that he intentionally didn't see that Tirek would betray him, carefully playing a trick on his own mind so that when he gave Twilight the final token, it would be recognized as genuine.
"Three," he said to himself, his eyes focused on what little of the sky he could see from his vantage point near the mouth of the cave, "Two, One."
"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!"
Discord smiled, "There we go," he said as the rainbow halo of magic spread out across the stratosphere. He spread his arms wide and welcomed his magic home with a slap on the back and a pie in the face. However, just as the last of magical surge washed over him, he... sensed... something... something that sent his body wiggling like a noodle in the grasp of a toddler more interested in playing than eating. That can't possibly be right, He thought, his previous mood shattered by the information coursing through his Ali-sight, I'm one of a kind: aren't I?
Canterlot, later
After a quick apology to everypony for his part in the whole Tirek disaster (the parts they knew about, anyway), Discord blinked back to his suite in the palace and got to work spying on various ponies and other creatures through a mirror. He'd felt a chaotic dissonance in the rainbow field, one that hadn't been caused by his magic, or least, not his alone, and he was trying to figure out where it had come from. So far, he'd had no luck despite staying up all night searching, and it was starting to wear on his patience.
"No." Swipe. "No." Swipe. "No." Swipe. "Ugh, pretending I never saw that." Swipe. "Argh, how hard is it to find one chaotic source when I'm the Master of Chaos himself!? How hard?" Swipe. "That's just Pinkie Pie." Swipe. "No." Swipe. "No" Swipe. "Wait a second." Back swipe, back swipe, back swipe. "YOU. What are you hiding?"
A lot, as it turned out. Discord observed her covertly as she went through an average day, and what he was made him want to hit himself in the face for being so blind. Repeatedly. With a sledgehammer. Pinkamena Diane Pie, former wielder Element of Laughter and part of the magical force of all things orderly, appeared to know the future, was capable of squeezing into places she shouldn't be able to fit, pulled objects out of thin air with aplomb and alarming frequency, and occasionally disappeared from the universe entirely for short periods of time. "Ok, Discord," he said to himself, "The first step is to figure out how she's doing all that stuff. I'll just peak into the magical Spectrum and-WOAH." His eyes fell out, and got caught inside his jaw, which had just hit the floor. His eyebrows grew arms, grabbed his jaw, and snapped it shut. He swallowed, and his eyes rolled back into their sockets.
Discord was rarely surprised, so this little development threw him for a loop. When he'd looked at Pinkie Pie, he'd seen something he would never have expected, even as the Master of Chaos: Pinkie Pie was a budding user of Chaos magic. There hadn't been one of those in Equestria since, well, him. "I'm not alone anymore." he whispered, a single tear coming to his eye. Now that was a joyful thought. "How could I possibly have missed her!? She appears to do this all the time! Wait, wait, wait." He slapped his forehead, causing his horns to fall off. "I know why." They regrew. "It was her Element, Laughter! It hid her signature, buried it so in deep in Order that I'd never have found it. But now that the Elements are gone..."
"Hmm. Maybe I was going off a bit half-cocked." His head tilted to one side and a smoking bullet fell out of his ear. "You know what, I think she should know what she is. I'll teach her. That's it, I'll teach her everything I know. I've never had someone to share my pranks with before, or someone who really understood the intricacies of magic the same way I do. I tried with dear Tia, but-" He sighed, gazing longingly at a picture of the Solar Princess stuffing her face in her private quarters. "She always had a stick up her rear when it came to stuff like that." He reached for his lower half, then thought better of it. "I'm crazy, not stupid." He swapped a dunce's cap for a straitjacket for emphasis. "And Fluttershy, bless her heart, just wouldn't comprehend it. It takes a special mind to Understand Chaos." The devil and angel on his shoulders both twirled their fingers beside their ears. "Anyway," Discord dismissed his props. "I might as well make my offer."
He snapped his fingers, and teleported from his palace suite to inside Sugarcube Corner. He started to head for the kitchens, but then turned around and realized everypony in the store was staring at him. "Don't mind me, I'm just here to have a chat with my good friend Pinkie." He blinked, and the shop was empty, except for Mr. and Mrs. Cake, who were both giving him the evil eye. Discord could hear screams of terror spreading wildly outside. "What? That's all I'm here for, I swear."
Mr. and Mrs. Cake glanced at each other before saying simultaneously, "Pinkie Promise."
He groaned. "Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye." He went through the motions. "There, happy?"
They nodded. "She's in the back," said Mr Cake. "I suppose she could spare a few minutes since you just chased off all our customers."
Discord groaned. "You make one kingdom of eternal Chaos and they never let you live it down, do they?" He slouched. "Don't worry, this won't take long."
Discord walked behind the counter and into the kitchen. He considered slithering in on his belly, but then thought better of it because first, even he had standards, and second, while he may be a Chaos Lord, he didn't have to be random every second of every day.
Discord spotted Pinkie Pie with her face in the oven, busily pulling out and putting in pies. If not for her tail, it would have been a pretty interesting view. Then it moved. "Oh." Discord coughed and looked away.
"Hiya, Dissy!" Pinkie Pie turned around and smiled at him. "Did you just make a Pinkie Promise that you wanted to talk to me?"
"Yes, yes I did. How did you know?"
Pinkie waggled her ears. "I used these, silly! The shopfront isn't that far away."
"Ah. Well, I've got an offer for you."
"An offer? Wowie, what is it, what, what?"
"I think I should start with a few questions." Discord slouched against the counter, staring at the wall. "Have you ever considered the idea that you might see the world differently from everypony else?" He put on a pair glasses with the words, "X-ray specs," written on the frame.], carefully watching her reaction out of the corner of his eye.
"Well, not really. Sure, I've never seen anypony else use the world-holes like I do, but that doesn't mean they don't know they're there." Pinkie said, getting some flour out of a over-sized container at the bottom of the walk-in pantry.
"That's only part of it. Are there things that to you are the most obvious facts in the world, but nopony else understands, or even sees them?" Discord poured through a physics textbook, dumping the liquid remains down the sink.
"Sure, I've pointed out some things and had everypony look at me funny, but doesn't everypony have that happen at some point? Just because I haven't seen it doesn't mean it doesn't happen." Pinkie grabbed a sack of sugar in her teeth and carried it over to the counter.
"I suppose. Moving on, are you constantly thought of as weird, or inexplicable?" Discord said, holding up an impossible cube.
Pinkie Pie stopped baking, and turned to face him, her smile fading. "How did you know? I never talk about that, even to my closest friends."
"I'll get to that in a moment. Finally," Discord turned to face her, his face devoid of humor. "Do you ever feel, that despite how much you love your friends, and they love you, that they don't really understand you, never could, and never will?" Discord felt Pinkie radiate a small chaotic pulse, and a single phrase echoed through the kitchen. It's Pinkie Pie, don't question it. Don't question it, don't question it...
"M-maybe sometimes..?" She stammered out, some signs of nervousness starting to show through the cracks in her demeanor.
"I thought so." Discord straightened and took his weight off the counter, which now had 7.5 impressions of the letter "W" pressed into the surface.
Pinkie's smile was completely gone now, and her hair was drooping. "Why? Why did you do that? Did you walk in here just to remind me about everything that's not happy in my life? To take everything I try to ignore because it would only make me sad and shove it in my face? Is this some kind of joke to you?"
"No no, not at all!" Discord reassured her. "I came because I think I have the answer. I have recently spied with my little eye," Discord's left eye shrank to a pinprick, "That you, Pinkamena Diane Pie," He put a talon on his chest, "Are like me." She stared at him, skeptical, but curious.
"You see the world not as it is, not as the rest of ponykind sees it, but as it could be, in all its glorious random splendor. And while you have learned to manipulate a small portion of that wondrous chaos through your Pinkie sense and other abilities," He pulled a screen out of his wing that was displaying her various tricks. "You have only scratched the surface of your potential." He ran a claw across the counter top, drawing a thin line behind it. "I can show you the depths of your power," The screen encircled the room, changing to a view of a deep sea vent, "and introduce you to creatures that no other mortal could even look at without going insane." Pinkie got a glimpse of something huge with too many mouths and too many tentacles before Discord snapped his fingers and the image vanished. "I could teach you the intricacies of time travel." The most beautiful, brilliant white tree Pinkie had ever seen appeared in Discord's hand, then disappeared just as quickly. "and help you unlock the inner secrets of the paradox." 4 more Discords walked out of holes in the air and he did a synchronized dance routine, then four left, including the original, leaving only one behind. Pinkie Pie was gaping in open awe now. She'd never seen Discord do something like this, even when he'd first broken free.
Careful now, Discord thought. The bait is set, now the hook. You don't want to lose her, if you lose her there's no getting her back, there'll never beanotherchancelikethis-
"You live in a small, impoverished subset of reality, but you also have the power to leave that subset, and gaze upon the universe as a whole." A snap of his fingers changed the screen to a picture of the stars, not as seen from the ground, but as seen from orbit, in all their cold bright beauty. "There'll be no more confusion about who you are, or why you're special. It won't just be 'Pinkie being Pinkie' anymore, as that phrase will no longer make sense. All you have to do,"He conjured a quill and scroll and offered them to her, "Is become my apprentice in the chaotic arts. What do you say?"
Pinkie Pie, with her eyes full of wonder, looked at the contract, looked at Discord, turned in a full circle to take in the stars, then picked up the quill, and signed. "When do we start?"
????????
In a distant cave far below the surface of the world, a being stirred, lifting its head and sniffing the air. It sensed something had shifted in the Spectrum, something that affected the bargain it had struck with Discord eons ago. That shift was not welcome. For now, it would be content to wait, and watch, but if the Compromise was broken, it would act, and this time, no meddling, foreign, spirit of Chaos would interfere with its goals. With that thought, System rolled over and went back to sleep.
Pinkie Pie, having finished with work for the day, was busily practicing her balloon blowing technique while Discord fiddled with a door he had installed on the side of the building. He had The Cakes permission, of course (on the condition that he Pinkie swore to never step inside Sugarcube Corner again during business hours). It didn't lead anywhere except a gingerbread wall when Pinkie tried to open it, but Discord told her it wasn't finished yet.
"And, done." Discord opened the door, which now led to a room in the palace that looked out over the hedge maze. "Right this way, my dear." Discord said, wearing a tux while holding the door open for her.
"WOW! That door goes all the way to Canterlot? That's super duper!" She stowed the balloon (which now resembled her pet, Gummy) in her mane, bounced through the opening, and promptly fell sideways, onto the wall the other end of the door was placed in. "Waugh!" Apparently Discord didn't abide by little things like the laws of gravity while in his own quarters. Pinkie saw a hot-tub on the ceiling, a massage chair on the wall opposite her, a fish tank in every corner except the lower left, which held a trampoline, two windows on the walls to the left and right of her that shared the same view, a cube falling in an endless loop through two wormholes in the center of the room, a completely normal looking sofa, coffee table, and pair of cushy chairs on the floor, rugs of every color and sometimes all the colors on every conceivable surface except a random half of the floor and ceiling, a mirror on the wall she was standing on directly to her left, and absolutely no bed. Pinkie Pie was trying to decide where she should look first when she noticed something off about the place. "Um, Discord? Where do you sleep?"
Discord appeared in the hot tub. "In here, of course. I find it so much more comfortable than those feather mattresses you ponies use. I can't even conceive of why you would want sleep in a bed when there are so many nicer options out there. It's mind boggling."
"I don't know, beds are pretty comfy. Anyway, aren't you supposed to be teaching me?"
"Oh, that's right." he snapped his fingers and appeared in one of the chairs, with his feet in the air, and his head lying on the ground. "Come have a seat." Normal gravity reasserted itself for Pinkie, and after she picked herself up off the floor and shot Discord a glare, she sat in the chair opposite him. Her mane may have still been puffy, but her face was serious. Pinkie Pie was curious about just what Discord was planning to teach her, and while she tried to remain optimistic, her past experiences with him weren't helping.
"To start with, how do you usually channel your magic? Unicorns use their horns, Zebras have their potions, and I snap my fingers." Discord snapped his paw, and conjured up a notebook and mechanical pencil. "Every magic user has a focus of some kind or other, and knowing what yours is is the first step towards being to able to use your magic effectively."
"Hmm." Pinkie scrunched up her face in concentration. She'd never really considered how she used her gifts before, she just did! But, if she had to pick a focus, then- "It's my movements." Discord started to scribble. "Whenever I move my body, it channels one of my abilities. Different twitches utilize my Pinkie sense, but mostly I think I use magic when I gesture. I wonder..." Pinkie swung her right hoof around jerkily and pointed it at the couch, which was suddenly holding a rubber chicken. "That's new."
"I think that might be my fault." Discord chuckled, tearing out the page he'd been writing and crumpling it into an origami frog. "Chaos tends to multiply when it's introduced to more of itself, and this is the first time we've interacted one on one like this."
"It is?" Pinkie Pie asked, then answered herself. "No it isn't! What about that time in the hedge?"
"Oh, that. I'd completely forgotten about that." A mini Discord popped out of his ear and held up a sign that said LIAR. Discord swatted at him, and he disappeared. "Anyway, most magic has to follow rules, a code that was hashed out by the first unicorn Mages, and has been passed down ever since. Do you happen to know it?"
Pinkie nodded absently, her face contorted in thought. "I think so. The first rule is-"
"Good," Discord interrupted her. "Throw it out." He tossed a copy of Your Magic and You over his shoulder. "Chaos magic doesn't abide by any rule except this: your only limit is your concentration." He pulled out a magnifying lens and held it out in the sun, causing rainbow light to diffuse itself over the floor. "If you can't picture what you want to happen, you won't be able to make it happen, no matter how much you want to. Conceptualization is the key." The lens adjusted itself, and the sun's wrath landed on a fly on the floor, one that started crying "help me!" in a tine voice before it burned to a crisp. Pinkie turned her head away and ignored it as best she could so she wouldn't toss her cookies. Those took a long time to bake! "Now, turn this piece of paper into a flower." Discord levitated a page he'd torn out of a notebook between them.
Pinkie cleared the death of the fly from her mind with the it probably wasn't real anyway, and focused on the scrap, repeating the gesture she'd used earlier. The paper turned into a potato. Confused, she tried again, and produced a toy train instead. She attempted the challenge a few more times, her motions becoming quicker and more erratic as her frustration grew.
Discord smiled knowingly. "Did you think of what kind of flower you wanted?" he asked. Pinkie stopped, and looked at him. "How many leaves does it have? What color are the petals? Where does the pollen go?"
Pinkie thought for a bit, then tried one last time. With a pop, the paper transformed into a perfect lilac. Pinkie beamed, her whole face lighting up.
Discord nodded approvingly, inwardly impressed at her rapid gain in skill. "Good. Do you understand why you failed before?"
Pinkie nodded, still grinning. "Yes, I do. I didn't think hard enough about it, and without that, my magic didn't know what to do. That's why it kept changing it into something I didn't want."
"Excellent," Discord was pleased. The concepts were almost always the hard part of learning any subject for the first time, and after that the field would get considerably easier. "If you're making this much progress when we've barely even started, than I think I know what you should do for practice first."
"Really? What's That?" Pinkie bobbed her head in curiosity, with a slight hint of nervousness.
"The best part of chaos, of course. Pranks!" Discord flew out of his chair, grabbed Pinkie Pie, and went sailing through the door they'd entered by, only now it opened into a hallway. Pinkie Pie started to get a sinking feeling that she had no idea what she'd signed herself up for.
Back on the floor where they'd dropped it in their haste to leave the room, the lilac turned back into a piece of paper, then a flower again, then both at once before disintegrating into a pile of ash, before it disappeared a second later.
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"Ok, Pinkie, remember: picture what you want to do, then use your focus to make it happen."
Pinkie thought of the trick she had in mind, inhaled, exhaled, brought her hoof up to her chest, and extended it. *pop*
"Very good, Pinkie!" said Discord, "Now, we wait."
88888888
Prince Blueblood was walking to the throne room on important business. He'd noticed that his bathwater just wasn't as warm as it should be, and was going to ask his Aunt to fix it. He knew she cared about all his problems because of the way her left eye twitched as he explained them to her. He'd been walking for 15 minutes or so now, which was weird, because the throne room was only 5 minutes away, even when he felt like being slow. Also, there didn't seem to be any servants running about, which was stranger because there was always somepony or other keeping the palace clean, no matter the time of day.
He stopped, and looked around. Now that he thought about it, he hadn't seen any doors at all in a while, and he didn't seem to know where he was. This set off several alarms, as his special talent was being able to get from anywhere to anywhere else without getting lost. His Cutie Mark was a compass for a reason after all. He slowly turned in a circle, trying to get a bearing. He was standing on a hardwood floor, in the middle of a corridor that stretched 100 feet in both directions before it turned off into another part of the palace. Wait, thought Blueblood. There aren't any hardwood floors in the palace. Then, finally, he looked up.
"DISCORD!"
The Lord of Chaos himself appeared before him, holding a box of peanuts like he was watching the circus. "Oh, hey, there, Blu-blu, how's it hanging?"
"Discord." huffed Blueblood. "I must request that you undo your magic and remove me from the ceiling this instant!"
"Oh, I'm so, so sorry." Discord said, his voice dripping with sympathy. "But I'm afraid it's not my magic that put you up here in the first place. I wish I could help, but-" he shrugged, then snapped his fingers and disappeared. Prince Blueblood turned red.
"Aunt Celly, Discord's messing with me again!"
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"Excellent job, Pinkie," said Discord. "Very subtle."
"Thanks!" Pinkie Pie beamed. "It was easy once I thought of inverting the hallway so he wouldn't notice when he ended up upside down."
Pinkie Pie and Discord gazed at their work through the visor in the suit of armor they were hiding in, nodded once in satisfaction, then cracked up.
Lesson 1, Part Two: Prankical Practice
"Ok, my apprentice, listen up!" Discord was pacing on top of one of the windows in his suite, while Pinkie Pie lay on the other one and watched him. Anypony who looked in the from the gardens would have seen them appear side by side, despite being on opposite sides of the room. "However well you may have done on your first test, this is only the beginning. Before we can move forward to the more advanced techniques, you need to get used to using magic, and I mean the focused kind, not your usual variety." Pinkie Pie nodded.
On the outside, Discord was composed, acting every bit the Master, as he had watched countless ponies teach their own students over the years and knew the part well. However, on the inside he was bouncing around in circles squeeing in happiness. He had never had someone to share his laughter with before, and it. Was. GLORIOUS! More than worth the trouble of having to bring her up to speed on just about everything, which, so far, was one of the two only major turnoffs to the whole idea.
Pinkie Pie, meanwhile, was starting to lose some of her earlier trepidations. Discord had kept the prank they committed clean and harmless, was helping her get a better grasp of her skills, and most importantly, the awful phrase that haunted her everywhere she went never even came close to his lips. He understood what she did at an even higher level than she did, and it was an absolute relief to finally have someone who wouldn't look at her sideways and then shrug if she did something out of the ordinary. Discord was still talking, so she pulled her thoughts out of her navel to listen.
"Therefore, I declare that the rest of the day shall be spent on more pranks, designed by us, built by you, and our victims best hope, not pointed at them." Discord twirled a wrench in his paw.
"That sounds great! But who do we get first?" Pinkie Pie twisted her mouth into a question mark shape, something she'd never done with her friends because she knew it would freak them out. However, since it wouldn't bother Discord...
"An excellent question, my dear. Tell me, who do you think deserves a shock?" An electric current traveled up his horn and antler.
"A shock? Aren't those kind of painful?" Pinkie curled up on herself at the thought.
Discord sighed, face in talon. And there was the other turnoff: Pinkie's occasional inability to understand non-literal sentences. "I meant a mental shock, Pinkie. Something to liven up their boring day, or let them know they're acting stupid, like Prince Blu-blu."
"Oh." Pinkie thought for a bit, and a gold coin fell into her ear. "Well, I think Princess Candace's life is pretty dull, how about we do her next?"
"Sounds like a plan." Discord steepled his claws over his desk, now hovering in the air right above Pinkie's window. "I know what I would do to them, but do you have any suggestions?"
"Well, maybe just one..." Pinkie grinned, and Discord mirrored her expression.
The Crystal Empire
Cadance was just finished with her Royal duties, and about to do the last chore of the day before she could go spend some time with her hubby: Read her mail. Only today, Discord showed up holding a package and wearing a mailman's uniform with, "Storks INC." stitched on his hat. He pulled a clipboard out of his pocket that was at least twice large as its would be container, and flipped through it. "Are you Princess Mi Amore Cadenza?"
Cadance scowled. "Discord, you know perfectly well who I am. We've met before, after all."
Discord pretended not to hear. "You are? Good. I've got a special delivery for you. The usual guy was sick, so they asked me to fill in." He reached into the package, and pulled out-Cadance's brain suffered a fatal system error and had to reboot. "Well, are you going to take her or not?" No, it hadn't been a nightmare or a crazy vision, Discord was holding, of all possible things, a filly. A filly with a pink coat, dark blue mane and eyes, wings, and a horn. "Uuuuhhh." Cadance wouldn't have been able to close her mouth even if she knew it was open.
"To answer your questions, yes, this filly is real, and yes, it is yours and Shining Drama's. Now don't make me take her back, the company majorly frowns on returns." With that, he placed the filly on Cadance's back, tipped his hat to her, snapped his fingers, and disappeared. Cadance turned and stared at the filly, a simple little creature that had just completely broken her world and everything she thought she knew about it.
"Um, Cadance? Caaaadaaaance, is everything all right? You don't usually take this long with the mail." Shining Armor stepped into the throne room and was met the view of his wife on the floor, having fainted dead away, with a filly chewing on her mane.
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Pinkie Pie knew Shining Armor had found out about her little idea when an extremely high pitched and girlish shriek echoed through the Crystal Empire. Ponies all around her glanced up at the castle in confusion, then went back to their lives. Pinkie herself, meanwhile, was chilling on the side of a bookshop (sitting, not clinging) while she waited for her Master to come back. The mare who owned the shop had given her a very strange look at first, then shrugged and gone back to work, inadvertently becoming yet another reminder of what she tried so hard to ignore. Pinkie was distracted from her sour thoughts by the signal she and Discord had set up in advance, namely one rubber chicken squeak followed by a thunderclap and an alien sound effect. Pinkie pulled on reality, and made a hole to the roof of the store, where Discord met her.
"I never would have expected such an excellent reaction from that approach, my apprentice, what ever gave you the idea?"
"Well," chirped Pinkie, "You know how the Cakes lives have gotten turned upside-down recently? They had twins!"
"I see." Discord nodded sagely. "You also did well in the genetic mixing, making sure that she was a real filly that they couldn't conjure away. I think we'll be ready to move on in your studies after one more practice round." They stood there, trying to maintain their composure, until another scream, this one of despair, emanated from the tower. "WWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!?!?!?!?!?!?!?" They lost it, and couldn't find it until the sun had set, and it was time to head home.
Lesson 1, Part Three: Pinkie Takes The Lead
"You know you're early, right?" Discord said after opening the door. Pinkie Pie had been so excited by the prospect of having more fun with Discord that she'd rushed through her day even faster than usual, clocking out of Sugarcube Corner a full hour early. Her friends had picked up on her rush, but instead of asking what caused it, it was "Just Pinkie Pie being Pinkie Pie." That still stung. She'd then tried the door to Canterlot to go find her master, but had only succeeded in running face first into a wall. After trying the door a few more times with no success, she'd plopped herself down in front of it and stared intently at it, daring it to reveal its secrets. 12 minutes later, the door had opened and Discord looked through, his expression torn between being miffed and touched.
"Anyway, come inside. It's not like I had anything else planned." Pinkie crawled through the door. After spending some time in Discord's room. She'd figured out that she fell towards whichever wall she happened to be closest too, so if she stayed close to the ground, she wouldn't have any problems. It worked, for about two seconds. Then she fell onto the ceiling. "Discord!"
Discord slapped a paw to his forehead. "Oh, silly me, I forgot to tell you I reoriented! Down is the new up, you know."
Pinkie huffed at him, then giggled. "Good one, Discord! You really got me!"
Discord chuckled along. "I guess I did, didn't I."
"Oh!" Pinkie brightened. "I was wondering, why couldn't I open the door? It works just fine when you use it."
Discord smiled knowingly, while perusing a to-do list. "You're not quite ready for that yet, my apprentice. It will come later. You'll actually be ready to finish your training once you figure out that particular secret."
"Aww." Pinkie pouted, then brightened up and pulled out Discord's photo of Celestia from Sol-knows-where. "Hey, what's this?"
"Give me that!" Discord's arm went flying over to her and grabbed it. "That's not for you! How did you get that anyway?"
Pinkie gasped, ignoring the question entirely. "Wait, you like her!?"
"NO, OF COURSE NOT!" Discord shouted. A mini discord immediately climbed out of each ear onto his head, then proceeded to clog dance while holding up two halves of a blinking sign that said, "Buck Yes!"
"You do, that's so cute! A little creepy, but mostly cute." Then she sat bolt upright, her right foreleg vibrating along with her left ear and left flank, a clear sign of Pinkie Sense. She gasped again. "I know what we're going to do today!"
Discord blanched, his entire body except his left foot and right ear turning grey. He'd seen that look before, on his own face in the mirror right before he did something devious. Suddenly, he was questioning the wisdom of teaching Pinkie anything. "Pinkie Pie, what are you planning?"
"You'll seeeeeeee! Just stand over there in that corner while I work. I'll be done in a jiffy!"
"You can't order me around, I'm the master here!"
"I know, I know. I just want to do something nice for you!"
Discord growled and muttered, but finally relented. "Oh, all right. Just be quick about it." He stomped over to the corner just above and to the left of the window, since they were still on the ceiling. "No peaking!" Pinkie chided him.
Discord growled again, but turned to face the wall. Behind him, he heard the boom of Pinkie's party cannon, alongside several other noises, only most of which he was able to identify. Seriously, what makes "Ugga-chakka-ugga-ugga-ugga-chakka " anyway?
"I'm doooooooone!" Discord turned around. His jaw fell off his face, alongside the rest of his features. He had to lean down and paw around on the ceiling to find them, them slap them back on. He was pretty sure his antler was crooked, but that could be fixed later. He snapped his fingers and appeared on the floor next to Pinkie, who was beaming up at him expectantly. "Do you like it?"
Discord fidgeted. "Well, I don't know..." Pinkie started to droop, which was all it took for Discord to change his mind. "Don't worry, it's great. Although." He looked down at the ratty suit he was wearing. "I'm going to need a new tux."
Canterlot Castle, 7:30 P.M. Celestia's P.O.V.
Celestia was on way her to have a talk with Discord after she'd finished lowering the sun. She was not pleased, and it showed on her face and in aura, causing any servant unlucky enough to see her to scramble out of the way or hide until she had passed. His pranking had skyrocketed recently, with him pulling off two stunts in a single day, while usually he only acted up once or twice per week. Sure, Blueblood had been fine afterwards (and the corridor Discord had flipped was now being used by the staff to reach those hard to clean corners) and Shining and Cadence had taken to parenting like born naturals after their initial shock had worn off (also, it was always nice to have another Alicorn to help shoulder the load of ruling), but the increased timescale of these incidents was troubling.
Having reached his room, she knocked twice, as per the agreement. "Come in," Discord answered from the other side. She opened the door and-her thoughts screeched to a halt as she tried to process what she was seeing. Gone was the chaos that usually permeated Discord's quarters, and instead it was replaced by deep shadow, except for a single round table in the center of the room set for dinner for two with candles and a white tablecloth, at which Discord sat. He was wearing a brand new tux, his mane and coat had been combed, and he was looking at her with- was that a nervous expression?
"Ah, Tia, you're right on schedule. Please have a seat." He gestured towards the chair opposite him, which Celestia sat in, still trying to figure out what Discord's game was. "I must say, that dress of yours looks absolutely amazing."
"I'm not wearing-" Celestia glanced down at herself and stopped mid-sentence. Her Royal finery (expect the crown, whose weight she could still feel) was gone, and in its place was a dress the exact same shades of pastel blue and green as her mane. It twinkled just like it as well, seemingly glowing in its own right. It was, in a word, beautiful. That still didn't stop Celestia from getting annoyed at Discord for slipping it on her without her notice. "Discord, stop this at once!" She commanded.
"I'm afraid I'm not the one doing anything here, my dear." Discord replied, tugging on his collar. "It's all her work."
He pointed, and Celestia turned to see Pinkie Pie, Pinkie Pie of all ponies, dressed like a waiter and pushing a cart loaded with two sliver dishes covered by lids into the room. She placed one in front of Celestia, and one before Discord, then twirled a black mustache she hadn't been sporting two seconds ago. "Dinner is served!" She stated in a bad Prench accent, and removed the covers from the dishes. "Bon appetit!"
Celestia mouth watered at the sight of the finest apples, sunflower seed bread, and hay topped with lemon juice she had ever met. "Discord, I-I don't know what to say."
"Just go with it, dear." he replied, picking up a forkful of his jambalaya. "I know you must be hungry."
As he spoke, Celestia felt a sharp pain in her stomach, and capitulated. "I guess I can stay." She said, adjusting herself in the chair to get more comfortable.
Pinkie nodded. "Will that be all, Monsieur and Madam?"
Discord nodded in reply. "Yes, thank you Pinkie." Pinkie turned and strutted away into the darkness, pushing the cart which now held Celestia's work cloths ahead of her. After Pinkie had left, slow and soft music began to play .
"Discord, I'm-speechless." Celestia bit into the bread, and almost melted into the chair. She'd always loved sunflowers, to the point that they'd gotten their name from her, and these were the best she'd ever tasted in her long life.
"I know, right? Pinkie threw this all up in an afternoon." Celestia almost choked on her food.
"She did this? Why?" The Princess asked in confusion.
Discord shrugged. "Who knows why she does anything she does?"
"I suppose that is true," Celestia replied, her voice skeptical. She knew an evasion when she heard one, and that was the most blatant dodge she'd faced down that day.
"So, Tia," Discord began. "How was your day?"
This question caught Celestia off guard, as well as reminding her of why she'd come in the first place. "Mostly I dealt with the fallout from your antics, Discord. You don't just drop a foal on someone out of thin air, they need time to prepare first!"
Discord started to chuckle, but then stopped and cocked his head, almost like he was remembering something. "Did my jokes hurt anyone?" he finally asked.
"Well, no." Celestia replied, taken aback.
"Did they provide long-term benefits?" Discord continued, fixing her with an unreadable gaze.
"I, guess you could say that." Celestia answered, not liking where this was going.
"Then why the long face? They didn't hurt anypony, were extremely funny." Here his composure cracked a little, and he grinned, "And they actually helped ponies in the long run. Just relax, forget about your troubles, and enjoy the night."
He nodded toward the open window, which displayed the Milky Way in all it's glory. Luna must be showing off for somepony, Celestia thought, She doesn't usually go all out like this. She turned to look at Discord again, who was watching her with an almost pleading expression. She smiled. "I think that sounds like a great idea."
Discord visibly relaxed, taking a bite of his food. "Then my question still stands Tia, how was your day?"
They chatted about nothing in particular as the meal dwindled away. Celestia would occasionally ask a subtle question about Pinkie Pie's role in this, but Discord evaded them just as smoothly as he had the first. When the food was gone, Pinkie had reappeared right on cue, this time carrying two carrot cakes. She served them, and Celestia eagerly took a bite, savoring the frosty goodness. Once the cakes were gone, the table folded in on itself and disappeared, although the chairs waited to vanish until they had stood up. Then lights came on, low and soft, and Celestia saw that the room had been converted into a dance floor, complete with a stage that held a grey pony playing a cello. The music changed, taking on a faster, smoother tempo, and Discord offered his hand. "Would you care to dance?"
Celestia had forgotten the last time she'd danced, it had been so long ago, but she still knew the steps. "I would love to." Discord smiled, a real smile instead of his usual mischievous smirk, and took the lead. They danced there, under the stars through the roof that had turned transparent, as the earth pony played and time ebbed on. Eventually, they tired, and Discord escorted her back to her room.
"Thank you, Discord, that was lovely. I had a wonderful time." Celestia was smiling, feeling more relaxed than had in ages. Discord's expression matched hers.
"I'm glad you enjoyed it, Tia. Maybe we should do it again?"
Celestia beamed through the bags under her eyes, "That sounds fun."
Discord brightened, despite his own fatigue showing. "It's a date then. Er, I mean-" Celestia cut him off by kissing him on the cheek. He really has changed, she thought.
Discord blushed an amazing number of different colors before he recovered, wearing the smile of a man that has recently succumbed to a severe case of A.W.S. (Attractive Woman Syndrome). "Well, I suppose Pinkie needs the practice. She is my apprentice after all."
This shocked Celestia out of her mood. "She's what?" She asked, completely confounded.
"Oh, you know." Discord said, his smirk back in place, "User of chaos, capable of seeing beyond the norm, all that good stuff. I figured it out after Tirek fell. I've been teaching her for the past few days. Those pranks were actually her work, with me advising of course. Say, how does next Friday sound?" Celestia didn't respond, her mouth working without making any sound as her eyes looked in two different directions. "Is that a yes? Great! I'll see you then." He lifted her hoof up, planted a kiss on it, then snapped his fingers and vanished. Celestia stood in the door way for a good 20 minutes before she finally went to bed, the events of the evening warring for attention alongside Discord's previous tricks, this new disturbing development in one of her ponies, and all the duties of running a country. She didn't fall asleep for a long, long time.
88888888
Discord met Pinkie Pie back in his room, now restored to its previous state. Pinkie was struggling to stay awake, but doggedly held a clipboard and checklist, which she proceeded to go down. "Did you keep her focused on having a good time?"
"Yes." Discord replied. Pinkie put a tick-mark on the paper.
"Does she know about our little arrangement?"
"Yes." Another mark.
"Did she go to bed her mind awhirl with conflicting emotions?"
Discord grinned. "Most definitely yes."
Pinkie clipped the pen to the board, then made both disappear. "Then my work here is done. Next time don't be such a wuss about it, ok?"
Discord snorted. "Fine. I still don't think I would have made it without your coaching, though."
Pinkie grinned. "That's what I'm here for."
"Don't forget I'm supposed to be teaching you, Missy."
Pinkie snorted, a behavior she'd picked up from him. "It's a chaotic apprenticeship. The roles of student and master are never set."
Discord chuckled. "That they aren't." He opened the door for her, and she stepped out into Ponyville. "Have a good night, my apprentice. Tomorrow we start on the magical theory."
Pinkie smiled in determination. "I wouldn't miss it for the world."
Interlude: Ineffective Interventions
Celestia woke up tired. Even though she'd stayed up late dancing the night before, and had taken even longer to fall asleep, she still had a job to do, and she wasn't going to let any amount of shenanigans stop her. With a groan, she stood, and plodded over to her tea kettle. While she didn't usually drink this early in the day, she decided she'd make an exception. After the tea had brewed, and she'd downed enough cups to start functioning again, she noticed that Luna had left a scroll for her on the counter. Unrolling it, she read:
Dearest Sister,
We hope thee and Discord enjoyed mine performance last night. Pinkie Pie visited us beforehand and bribed us with multiple sweets to put on a show for you, and we'd like to know how it went.
Love,
Lulu
Celestia sighed, and smiled. Lulu always did have a soft spot for romance, even if she'd never had much luck herself. With her mind and strength restored, Celestia raised the sun and prepared for the day. Her first task was to let her beloved student know just what Pinkie Pie had been getting up to.
Dear Princess Twilight,
Ponyville, later
A situation that requires your attention has come up, Twilight read. It appears that Pinkie Pie, one of your friends, has recently come under the tutelage of Discord, or as he put it, "She's my apprentice." Twilight, I cannot stress enough the danger this development represents. Having one Master of Chaos is bad enough, even when he's reformed. I shudder to think what could happen if her budding powers ever went out of control, or if she fell and dragged Discord down with her. Please, do everything in your power to dissuade her of this notion, although you must not jeopardize your friendship. If she does fall, her friends might be the only way to bring her back. Act with caution, her powers have already started to emerge.
I wish you the best of luck,
Celestia
Twilight stood in place for a solid minute, letting the news sink in. It explained a lot actually, covering everything from Pinkie's inexplicable precognition to why there had been a stampede two days ago to why she hadn't seen a single pink hair of hers for the past two afternoons. Twilight grabbed Spike, and filled him in on the way out the door. If she was going to do this, she'd need backup.
Sugercube Corner, 10:30 A.M. just before the lunch rush
Pinkie Pie was on break, enjoying her afternoon snack now that almost everypony had been catered to. She'd just bitten in to the last cupcake she was planning on eating when her friends, sans Fluttershy, showed up, the lot of them toting serious expressions. Pinkie swallowed, and greeted them.
"Hi, girls, what's up?"
Her friends all glanced at each other, like they were trying to decided who should speak first. Rainbow Dash appeared to have a hard time containing herself, and eventually, she blurted, "Are you really learning from Discord!?"
Pinkie cocked her head, confused. "Yeah, I am. What about it?"
This answer took them aback. After a short pause, Applejack spoke up. "We're just worried 'bout you, Pinkie, what with this whole deal between you Discord."
"Aren't you worried that he might do something?" asked Twilight.
Pinkie took another bite. "No, not really. He's been super nice, actually. And really, really funny. You should have seen Blueblood's face after we stuck him on the ceiling!" Pinkie giggled.
Rarity smirked at the mental image before she schooled her expression. "Regardless, we don't think it's the best idea for you to be learning from him, darling. It's not safe."
"Yeah, he might pull another mind game on you. Those aren't cool," Rainbow added.
"I guess what we're saying is, maybe you should... s-stop?" Twilight concluded.
Pinkie took another bite, and stared at them, her expression going from bouncy to more and more serious as she chewed. Swallowing, she said, "All right, who put you up to this? Your arguments hold less batter than a cake dish with no bottom."
"Um, Princess Celestia asked me." Twilight muttered, blushing. "Here, have a look." She pulled the scroll out of her saddlebags and passed it to Pinkie. Pinkie read, her expression darkening with every jump of her eyes. When she finished, she almost looked mad, with her ears folded back against her head.
"You took this seriously?" She stated, "Discord's changed, you know that, and he's been very careful to not hurt me in any way."
"It was from the Princess, of course I took it seriously!" Twilight retorted, ears twitching.
"And the first thing you did was try to hold an intervention." Pinkie snorted, "You didn't even bother to get my side of the story. You just took one look at the Royal Signature and rushed off without thinking."
Twilight winced. "Pinkie, I-"
Pinkie cut her off, something she never did. "Well, now you're going to hear it. For all my life, I've known I wasn't normal." Pinkie twisted her hoof around and was suddenly holding a picture of her family. "I never quite fit in, and I never knew why. I tried my best to ignore it, because thinking about it only made me sad, but it was still there, waiting for a reminder." Pinkie stuck her leg out, the picture having gone missing at some point, and a phrase echoed through the air, each repetition done in a different voice. "Just Pinkie being Pinkie, Pinkie, Pinkie, Pinkie..." By this point her friends were in total shock, with their mouths open and ears flattened.
"You never tried to understand it, and no-" Pinkie added as Twilight started to speak, "your studies don't count. You gave up way too early, and worked off a faulty assumption that would never have gotten you anywhere. You set out to disprove my Pinkie Sense, instead of observing what I was doing and then coming up with possible explanations. You saw something that didn't make sense, and dismissed it as 'impossible.'" Here she made quote marks in the air, despite her lack of fingers. "Once you gave up, you just brushed it off, and never questioned it further, even when new evidence appeared that might have let you figure it out."
Pinkie stood and started walking towards the group, her eyes locked on Twilight. "Then Discord came, and gave me not only an answer to the question I had been struggling with my whole life, but offered to teach me about a side of myself I'd never even seen before. And you want me to just give it up?" She stuck her nose in Twilight's face, eyes flashing.
"Pinkie, that's enough!" Rarity said sharply, then her voice softened. "We never even guessed that you might be feeling this way, and I, at least, am deeply sorry for causing you such distress." She stepped forward and hugged the pink mare.
"Yeah, that was pretty uncool of us." Rainbow added, joining Rarity.
"Sugar, if learnin' from Discord makes you happy, then we'd be total foals to try to stand in your way." Applejack stepped up and added her hooves to the group hug.
Twilight sighed, and capitulated. "You're right, Pinkie. We're your friends. Instead of trying to hold you back, we should have been encouraging you. I guess that explains why Fluttershy wouldn't go along with this." Then she hugged Pinkie as well, and the group was complete. After what felt like an eternity of bliss, they broke up, and made their various excuses to get back to work (or in Rainbow's case, practicing).
Twilight sighed as she walked back to her castle, already composing a letter, until an odd thought crossed her mind. Wait, was Pinkie leaner than usual?
Discord's Suite
Meanwhile, back at the palace, Celestia and Discord were having similar conversation. It was going about well as its counterpart, at least from Celestia's perspective.
"Discord, I told you, you have to stop this," she stated. "Equestria can't take another chaos user. The Compromise won't allow it."
"And I told you, Tia, that it's already too late," Discord retorted. "She's coming into her powers, and cutting it off now won't stop it. If anything, it will only make it worse, as she'll lack proper training." The globe he was holding fractured. "Besides, you know how lonely it gets being immortal. She's the only pony I've ever been able to really be myself around, and I think the feeling's mutual. Would you really break up a friendship like that?" He fiddled with some golden heart on a chain, but it wouldn't stop moving long enough for Celestia to get a good look at it.
"Graaaahhhh!" Celestia roared, and stormed out. The worst part was, she reflected, that he was right. She couldn't interfere without becoming a massive hypocrite. As much as she wanted to stop this threat before it manifested, the truth was where was nothing she could do. The only thing worse than another Discord is another Discord with no control over his abilities. As terrible as Discord's reign may have been, he at least restrained himself from killing anypony. If Pinkie lost control she'd have no such obstacle. Celestia could only pray that wouldn't happen.
Her brooding was interrupted by a scroll from Twilight. Opening it, she read,
Dear Princess Celestia,
I regret to inform you that our attempted intervention on Pinkie Pie's behalf was less than successful...
Celestia resisted the urge to scream.
Then she froze as she remembered something, an ancient backup plan that she'd never had to use, and had long since been discarded. Smiling darkly, she strode off in the direction of the palace vaults. She may not be able to do anything now, but that didn't mean she couldn't prepare for the worst.
"I thought you promised to stay out of our store," stated Mrs. Cake as she glared at Discord. He held his hands up apologetically.
"Only during business hours, and look!" He pointed at his pocket watch, which read 5:01 p.m., and a whole bunch of other numbers complex enough to make Mr. Cake's head spin. "You're closed, aren't you? In any case, I need to see my apprentice."
By now the Ponyville rumor mill was operating at full capacity, and the Cakes knew all about what their foster daughter/junior baker/foal-sitter had been getting up to. Mr. Cake wanted to tell Discord to watch himself, while Mrs. Cake was more worried about what could happen to Pinkie. However, Pinkie Pie was a full adult with all, ok, most of the responsibility that came with it. In other words, they didn't approve, but didn't think it was their place to say anything. "She's in the back," Mr. Cake spat, "mopping the floor."
"Wow, touchy much?" drawled Discord, carefully edging around the glaring couple and making his way to the back. He reformed, he knew that much, but he couldn't figure out how to drill it into the heads of the ponies that they didn't have to hate/fear him anymore. Stubborn herd animals. As he entered the kitchen he spotted Pinkie...Pinkie... "ARE YOU CRAZY!? YOU DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES ANIMATE BROOMSTICKS!"
Pinkie fell out of step with the music, which screeched to a halt while the dancing mops that were cleaning the floor fell over with a clatter. "Why not? It's much more fun this way."
Discord groaned and face-palmed. "Because they have a tendency to multiply and flood everything. Don't do it." Pinkie pouted, but complied, and one quick pirouette later, the mops had fused back into one and been put away.
"Ok, Mr. Grumpypants, what's on the agenda for today?" Pinkie pulled out a notepad, and a pencil hovered over it, held within a blood red magical aura. "Assuming you want the Cakes to overhear?" She nodded towards the door, where the married pair were eavesdropping. Discord shook his head, smirked and snapped his fingers. They disappeared in a white flash, and landed in the park on the outskirts of town.
"Just a moment, I need to check for more unwelcome listeners." Discord scanned their surroundings with a pair of infrared goggles, then nodded to himself. "All clear. Ok Pinkie, now that you've gotten a handle on how to use your magic, I can start to teach the intricacies of Chaos. True Chaos is always changing, never repeating, and extremely beautiful if you have the eyes to see it." Discord held up a prismatic blob, one that constantly warped and glimmered.
"Being chaotic means always looking for new material, no matter how annoying it may become. You know the cotton candy clouds and chocolate rain I made?" Pinkie nodded and drooled. "I could do that again and it would be considered chaos, but it wouldn't be Chaotic, because I've done it before. Being random means being original, and being original is the hardest task you could ever ask of someone." A menu of difficulty levels popped up, and self-selected Unfair Nightmare Mode.
"That spark of unpredictability," lightning arched between his toes, "Is the true difference between a Chaos Lord, and a cheap knockoff wannabe." He held up a puppet of himself, and it said, "I make chocolate rain and checkerboard landscapes! I am a chaos master!" The real Discord snapped his fingers, and the puppet's bottom half burst into flames while the top melted into cherry syrup, which then caught fire and disappeared. "So Pinkie, today you will be random. Do something you've never done before for the rest of the day. Stretch your mind, be as weird as you possibly can! I'll be monitoring your progress." A screen depicting multiple security cameras popped up, and Pinkie saw a blue rabbit staring directly into one of them before the screen blurred to static, and it vanished.
"Can I bake super-wacky-pastries?" Pinkie asked, eyes sparkling with ideas.
"Only if that's not the only thing you do," Discord replied, grinning. "Now go out and spread some madness!"
Pinkie saluted, "Aye aye, Cap'n!" She then flipped upside-down, and started bouncing into town on her head.
"Good start, but mix it up a little more!" Discord called after her. She replied by switching from bouncing to walking on thin air, at a 42 degree angle to the sky. "Better."
Twilight's Castle
"Pinkie, just the mare I wanted to seeee..." Twilight twitched, and a few hairs sprang out of place as she took a good long look at the pink mare. "Pinkie, is your torso backwards?"
"Yep!" Pinkie's head said from where her tail should be. She'd detached her torso from her legs and spun it 180 degrees. She walked into the castle, with her tail facing indoors yet still walking forwards.
Another stray hair popped up as Twilight observed her, before they all smoothed out as she inhaled and exhaled. "She's just being Pinkie." Then she realized what she'd said and clapped a hoof over her mouth, looking sheepish.
Pinkie winced internally but put on a smile for the sake of her friend. "It's ok Twilight, you're trying now, which is all I'll ask! Why did you want to see me?" As she spoke, Pinkie collapsed into a blob and reformed into her normal shape, except for the tail protruding from her forehead. "Look, I'm a unicorn!"
Twilight blanched, then giggled. "Thank you, Pinkie. Can you keep doing stuff like that? I want to take another look at your magic."
"Okie Dokie Lokie!" Pinkie replied, ice-skating on a mobius strip in the center of the entrance hall. Twilight summoned a bunch of instruments and started recording. "Great, great, just keep going." She muttered, almost to herself. Pinkie responded by waltzing into and out of wormholes with GLaDOs as a partner. When that didn't snap Twilight out of her studying trance, Pinkie upped her game, balancing on her hind legs and working through a martial arts kata that used balloons, confetti, cake, wagon wheels, Fluttershy's wings, and Spike as weapons.
Twilight didn't even blink, despite seeing her #1 assistant being tossed into the air like a pumpkin on Nightmare Night. She was too engrossed in her work. I can't believe I didn't see this before, she thought Pinkie Pie reeks of chaos, it's so strong I bet Celestia could sense it without even looking for it. And if these numbers are right... Twilight concentrated, reaching deep into her magic to try something she'd never dreamed of attempting before and-
Squealed like a filly getting tossed into a pool as she jumped so high she smacked her head on the ceiling, then sprawled in a heap on the floor. huh, tastes like sugar. Turning around to figure out who licked her ear she saw- "We've got to stop running into each other like this, Princess."
An orange Alicorn in a Royal guard uniform stood before her, grinning from ear to ear. Twilight blushed an alarming shade of pink and sputtered for a solid 19 seconds. "W-what?"
"What am I doing here?" he finished, "I'm your new prince!" he gestured to his horn. "You need security now you've come into your own as a Princess. Besides," He leaned in closer, his breath tickling her ear. "Having a Prince could have, other, perks." Twilight mouth dropped open as her brain crashed, her blush getting so big it began to deprive her mind of precious oxygen. Her wingspan was even bigger than her blush, if such a thing was possible. Flash Sentry winked, and disappeared in a puff of smoke. Twilight's brain rebooted, and she realized Pinkie Pie was shaking in fits of silent laughter halfway up one of the support beams. "PINKIE!"
"Ooh,wouldyoulookatthetime,gottago!" Pinkie folded in on herself and vanished. Twilight almost exploded, but got distracted by the doorbell ringing. She went to answer, And snapped a quick, "What?" at-
"Captain Flash Sentry reporting for duty, your highness!" The newly promoted pegasus guard saluted, along with a half dozen other stallions in armor. Twilight screamed in terror and slammed the door in their faces. Panting heavily, she again failed to freak out due to an interruption, this time in the form of a letter from Princes Celestia.
My faithful Student,
As you now own your very own castle, I have decided you will need a retinue of guards for your safety. I made sure to make that stallion you like the leader. Shining Armor met Cadance as her bodyguard after all.
Good luck and be safe,
Princess Celestia
Twilight turned around, let the guards in in a trance-like state, then passed out from emotional overload. Flash picked her up and took her to her quarters. He decided he'd ask what happened when she came to.
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Lesson 2, Part Two: Preparation leads to Pranking
System grunted. It had felt another ping, much weaker than the last one, and from a different source. In addition, the previous signal had solidified and was growing steadily stronger. These pings didn't actually affect its deal, but they could break it if they signified what it thought they did. It stretched, and began the slow process of waking up. It still wouldn't act until the Compromise was broken, but it could, and would, observe, making sure it had all the information it needed. Then, it would move.
Ponyville Park
Discord chortled as he watched Pinkie on the portable screen. He personally would have made that guard a little more forward, but Pinkie's trick had had the desired affect, so it didn't really matter. He was reaching for more popcorn when an alert came in on Celestia. Those had been rare ever since his reform, except for the odd request she gave her guards to watch out for his latest antics. He switched away from Pinkie digging her way across Ponyille to Fluttershy's and brought up his view of Celestia. She was in the Royal academy, speaking with the head researcher, a grey unicorn with an atom for a cutie mark.
"-and I have to be able to access the magic without having them all present," she was saying, in a tone that hinted her words were the most important single order she had ever spoken.
"I don't know, Princess, that's a tall order," the unicorn replied, scratching his head in thought. "I could see maybe modifying one the elements to change the aspect it represented, but creating an entirely new one? And making it capable of using their full power by itself? We're talking magical theory so advanced we don't understand all of it yet."
"I have a baseline here." Celestia pulled a grey gem out of the saddlebag she was wearing. "It was built to replace an Element in case one of them was destroyed."
The Unicorn accepted the gem, and put on a pair of goggles to analyze it. "mono-fractal energy lines, dual harmonic resonators, yes, this will do nicely. We'll let you know as soon as it's finished."
"Very well." Celestia nodded once and turned to leave, but stopped giving one last piece of advice over her shoulder. "By the way, make this a top priority project, I don't know if, or when I'll need it." The unicorn quirked an eyebrow under his goggles, then shrugged and starting calling out orders as Celestia exited the lab and the feed cut out.
"Oh dear," Discord said to himself. "It seems Tia isn't happy with my little apprentice. Well, I can't blame her for wanting a backup plan. Oh, wait, yes I can!" He snapped his fingers.
Fluttershy's cottage
"Hi, Fluttershy!" Pinkie said as she bounced in front of Fluttershy's front door. She'd decided to tone down the craziness around her more jumpy and jittery friend, and wasn't doing anything particularly strange. At least, not by Pinkie standards.
"Hello, Pinkie, do come in, if-if you like." Fluttershy said, stepping aside to allow Pinkie to enter, which she did, hopping over the threshold. Angel bunny took one look at Pinkie from his favorite spot on the couch, screamed in terror and fled out the back door.
"Angel!" Fluttershy scolded "That is no way to treat a guest! Um, if you'll excuse me for a moment," she said to Pinkie, "just have a seat, if you want to." She ran out the door after him, and Pinkie heard what sounded like a lecture crossed with a wrestling match as she sat down.
"I don't care if she feels just like Discord! You are going to apologize, and that's final!" Fluttershy mumbled between her teeth, carrying a struggling Angel Bunny back into the house. "Now say you're sorry."
Angel started to comply, but then saw Pinkie's face. When she'd heard him coming back in, she'd found the temptation irresistible, and had carefully inverted all of her features, causing her eyes nose, and mouth to be upside-down without moving from their proper spot on her face. Angel shrieked again, and squirmed out of Fluttershy's mouth before hightailing it into the woods.
Pinkie cackled until she caught Fluttershy glaring at her. "Pinkie, that was mean," she intoned, every bit the imposing mother.
Pinkie grinned sheepishly. "Sorry."
Fluttershy accepted the apology with a nod. "It's ok, you just apologize to Angel before you go. Got it?" She growled this last sentence, causing Pinkie Pie to shrink back in her seat. She nodded rapidly, her head almost falling off.
"Good. Now, would you like some tea?" Pinkie did, so Fluttershy went to brew some. Once it was finished, she poured them both a cup, then settled back into her chair.
"So how's Sugarcube Corner doing? If you don't mind my asking." Fluttershy opened.
"Oh, it's great!" Pinkie replied, taking a sip. "The Cakes got this big order from the palace earlier today. I spent all afternoon whipping up a ton of carrot cakes. Are your animal friends getting along?"
"Oh, splendidly," Fluttershy cooed. taking the aroma of her brew. "I had to set a few wings after a manticore knocked a tree over and dislodged a passing migration, but nothing serious. However, why would the Princess want so many cakes all of a sudden?"
Pinkie grinned conspiratorially. "I think it might have something to do with Princess Celestia's date yesterday."
Fluttershy gasped. "A date? With who?" Pinkie proceeded to fill her in on the previous night's activities, lavishing on the details. "I even hired that up and coming cello master to play for them, and she did great!"
"That's wonderful." Fluttershy said. "I'm glad Discord is getting some love, especially if it makes the Princess happy as well."
Pinkie opened her mouth to reply, but was interrupted by Discord appearing in the middle of the room. "Oh do pardon me, Fluttershy, but I need to borrow my apprentice for a bit."
"It's not a problem at all." Fluttershy answered, torn between happiness at seeing a friend, and slight annoyance at his lack of knocking. "May I ask what you need her for?"
"Just a little tutoring, nothing major." Discord replied smoothly, although both mares could tell he was hiding something. Before Fluttershy could ask any questions, though, Discord grabbed Pinkie and teleported away, leaving Fluttershy to ponder a question that had been bugging her since Pinkie arrived. Since when do I have to look up to meet Pinkie's eyes?
Discord's Room
PInkie flew into the couch with a plop as they landed, somehow ending up perfectly situated in the corner. Discord sat across form her, pondering his opening statement. He started to speak, but Pinkie beat him too it. "Discord, even I know it's rude to run off with someone without letting them say goodbye," said, holding her head in her hoof.
"Well, this was important," Discord said snippishly. Folding his arms over his chest.
Pinkie just quirked an eyebrow. "Oh, really?" she said, her voice dripping with skepticism.
Discord then informed her just what Princess Celestia was up too. Pinkie expression changed from shocked to angry, before it finally settled on hurt. "I thought she trusted me," she said, her mane starting to deflate.
"Apparently not," Discord said non-nonchalantly, not realizing what an impact this revelation was having on Pinkie. "You'd think she would by now, what with you saving Equestria so many times, but nope. Say, how would you feel about getting back at her?"
"Huh?" Pinkie said, her mane stopping just short of going flat. "What do you mean?"
"The prank of the century." Discord pitched, "This one will be entirely your work. If you impress me, we'll move on to the next section in your training tomorrow. Here's what I want you to do..."
As he spoke, Pinkie began to smile, her expression becoming more and more villainous as the words poured over her.
The Castle Throne Room
"Excuse me, Princess," whispered a courier into Celestia's ear as she sat on her throne holding court, resisting to urge to rub her eyes at yet another long, boring speech that would ultimately mean nothing, "I have a message for you." He dropped a scroll at her feet and disappeared back into the corners.
She nodded and stood. "I'll be back in a moment, my little ponies." Celestia walked behind the throne into the antechamber where she prepared for the day's hearings, and unfurled the scroll.
Relocation Report, Captain Flash Sentry
We arrived at Princess Twilight's Castle on time, and proceeded to secure the area. However, due to unknown causes, the Princess screamed upon seeing us and slammed the door in our faces, before coming back, letting us in, and falling unconscious to the floor. She is fine, and currently recuperating in her quarters, but this unit requests to know whether such behavior is normal as part of being able to serve our Princess to the best of our abilities.
The rest of the report was just the usual paperwork surrounding any type of government change, and Celestia only skimmed it before handing it to a nearby accountant for processing. She was just about to write a response when the sounds of mayhem in the court finally reached her. She galloped into the room, where she stopped dead in surprise. To say the place had turned inside out and upside down while she was away would have been a massive understatement.
To start with, gravity seemed to have stopped working, as everypony (excluding Celestia) was floating around bumping into each other. Whenever they did, they would swap a body part, leaving one poor stallion with 8 left-rear-legs. However, everything that wasn't a pony was still very firmly attached to least some surface. Living paint brushes painted and repainted the walls, while a trio of greyskinned, bipedal bug-eyed creatures and a pair of changelings had a conga line dance on the ceiling. A 5 foot tall yodeling cucumber in a doctor's uniform was hopping all over the room chased by a bear caught in no less than three separate bear traps, while a group of foal-sized peas in guard helmets tossed slushies everywhere. It was, in a word, mayhem. Celestia's eyes's jumped all over the room, and she became more and more angry as the spectacular view settled in.
DISCORD! She bellowed in the Royal Canterlot Voice, causing everypony in the room to cover their ears and stare at her. A cordless phone and charger appeared in front of her, with the phone shaped like Discord. "I'm sorry," said Discord's voice, "I can't answer your summons right now, please leave a message after the beep."
"BEEP! " shouted Pinkie.
"Discord," Celestia all but growled, "If you don't come and fix this right now, you can consider our date this Friday canceled." She hadn't even finished speaking before Discord appeared and started snapping his fingers. Within three seconds everything was back to normal, and Discord was on his knees in front of her, "Please don't cancel, pleasepleaseplease!"
Celestia looked down at him in surprise, then smirked. "Very well, then. It's still on."
"YES!" Discord whooped, and teleported away. Celestia sighed with a chuckle and turned to face the oncoming storm.
"Princess, surely you're going not to let that heathen get away with this!.."
Discord's room
Pinkie Pie was busy laughing her head off as Discord appeared in the room. She rolled on the floor, her noggin a good 6 feet away. "Yeah, yeah, yuck it up." Discord pouted. "We're done here. Tomorrow you we'll be working with Ali-Sight."
Pinkie managed to get herself under control long enough to ask, "Ali-Sight? What's that?"
"You'll see." Discord opened the door for her. "If you get bored, go practice on your friends. I need some time to think."
"Okie-dokie-lokie!" Pinkie Pie hopped through the doorway, which then shut behind her. Discord groaned and sank into his hot tub. "The things I do for love," he sighed, and curled up to take a nap.
Ponyville
"Ok, now you two apologize to each other." Fluttershy said, giving Pinkie and Angel the stink-eye.
"I'm sorry," Pinkie said. Angel mimed something similar, and they shook hooves. Fluttershy nodded in approval, and trotted off, Angel hopping behind her. Pinkie meanwhile went upstairs to bed. Using chaos magic really took a lot out of her, she reflected. As she climbed under the sheets, she failed to notice that tip of her tail had grown slightly longer, and split in two.
Interlude: Escalation and Desperation
Pinkie crouched, waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike. Discord had told her he'd need extra time to set up today's lesson, which left her with a few hours or so to burn after work. Her target was Rainbow Dash. Pinkie had come up with a new trick and wanted to surprise her, and what better way than-oh, wait here she comes! Just a little closer and-
Pinkie blew a party popper right in Rainbow's face just as she was about to settle into the cloud, causing her to yelp and fall several yards before righting herself. "Pinkie, what the hay?" asked Rainbow, her annoyance plain on her face and clear in her voice. Then she saw Pinkie, or rather Pinkie's back, and her brain stopped working, which caused her wings to stop flapping, which caused her to crash into the ground at high velocity. Pinkie glided down to check on her, her newly conjured pegasus wings flashing in the sun.
Rainbow was muttering to herself as Pinkie drew within hearing range, "Pinkie. Wings. How. Not. Possible." she gasped.
"Of course it's possible, silly." Pinkie said, bouncing in place. "Saying something is not possible is a silly thing to say, especially when I'm involved."
Rainbow glared up at her. "Even you can't grow wings, Pinkie. Or at least, you, couldn't..." She trailed off, staring at Pinkie's new appendages. "Just how powerful are you, Pinkie?"
"I have no idea!" Pinkie shouted with joy, causing Rainbow to shrink back in alarm.
"Well, once you do, come see me. I want to see how those bad boys handle in a race."
"Okie-dokie-lokie." Pinkie replied cheerfully. Rainbow stood up, dusted herself off, and flew up to the cloud Pinkie had been lurking in, where she curled up and started snoring.
Rainbow Dash, check, Pinkie thought. Next, Rarity. She trotted off, discarding the now unneeded wings behind her, which turned to ice, shattered, then burst into flames and vanished.
The Carousel Boutique
"IDEA!" Rarity sang. She'd been looking through the latest fashion magazines, and had found the inspiration she needed for her newest designs. She gathered up her cloth and thread and set to work, quickly covering half a dozen ponequins in fresh fabric. As she turned to hunt for exactly the right shade of yellow to use to balance some dark blue, she heard, "Wow! These are some fancy dresses, Rarity!" Typical Pinkie, thought Rarity, she never knocks.
"Well, I'm glad you like" she turned around, "them. Pinkie, I don't mean to sound a tad slow, but where are you?" Her shop was empty, save for herself and the ponequins.
"I'm over here!" said one of the dress forms, now sporting Pinkie's head. "Are you sure you've got the right fabric on this one? It feels pretty scratchy."
Rarity tried to process what she was seeing, failed, and reacted the only way a drama queen could in such a situation. She fainted, pulling her couch underneath her to catch her as she fell.
"Aww," Pinkie said, popping out of the ponequin and reappearing as her normal self in the center of the room. "I was hoping she'd say something. Oh, well. Applejack's turn!" She pranced out, humming to herself, as the face of the dummy she'd possessed turned to slag behind her.
Sweet Apple Acres
Applejack kicked, and apples showered down around her. She'd put in a good day's bucking today, and was ready to start making dinner. She just needed to clear this tree first. She checked the baskets to make sure none of the apples had missed, and looked up into the tree. The branches were still full, hung low with ripe, juicy apples. Confused, Applejack shrugged, swapped the full buckets for empty ones, and kicked again. Fresh, scrumptious fruit fell like rain, filling the buckets to the brim. Wiping her brow, Applejack looked back at the tree. It was. Still. Full.
"Ok, what the everyflyin' hay is goin' on 'round here?" She heard a giggle, one that sounded like it came from the branches on the other side of the trunk. Trotting around, Applejack spotted Pinkie Pie shaking in silent laughter hanging from one of the boughs. "Pinkie, why is this tree not running out of apples?"
"Because I made it that way!" Pinkie cackled from her spot in the crown, a sound that raised hairs all along Applejack's spine. "It's a bottomless tree!"
"Well, could you turn it back?" Applejack asked, carefully keeping the annoyance out of her voice. "I've enough trees to buck without havin' one that's never empty."
Pinkie sighed, and oozed onto the ground in a puddle of pink slime. "Fine," said the puddle. Pinkie reformed, and as she did so, the tree released its crop, depositing the fruit into a nearby barrel.
"Well, I'm just 'bout done for the day. How 'bout you come have dinner with us and make those apple cupcakes of yours?"
"Ooooooooh, that sounds fun! Sure!" She bounced back towards the farmhouse. Applejack rolled her eyes and chuckled before following, noting that Pinkie needed to wash her tail, since its tip had split into five.
Once they were out of sight, the tree uprooted itself and started flailing its way towards the Everfree forest. "I'm getting too old for this," it growled.
Twilight's castle
"Aaaargh! Why isn't it working?" Twilight all but shouted.
"Beats me," said Spike and Flash in unison, before staring at each other for a second. "You're the expert here, Princess." Flash finally finished. He'd gotten everything straightened out once Twilight woke up. She'd said her distress had been caused by one of her friends "practical jokes," but Flash had gotten the idea she was hiding something. However, when he'd gently pressed her on the subject, she'd turned an alarming and alarmingly cute shade of pink, and he decided it might be wisest to drop the issue. He didn't want a repeat of what had gotten him shipped off to military school after all.
She'd spent the entire day sneaking glances at him before going into what Spike had called Study Mode. She was now completely oblivious to his presence, which both relieved and slightly disappointed him. At least now he could concentrate on his job, and maybe do something to earn his rank. He knew he'd only gotten this position because the Princess liked him, and it stung that he didn't have any other qualifying attributes. He wanted to get a promotion because he'd earned it, not because his boss was sweet on him.
Twilight, totally unaware of Flash's naval contemplation, groaned and slammed her face into the table. They were in one of the libraries (Twilight's new digs had six), where Twilight was trying to crack chaos magic with Flash and Spike as her spotters. So far the most she'd gotten was a stray thread of cotton candy, and her companions had gone from hyper alert to just plain bored. "How can I claim my special talent is magic if I can't do one simple spell!?" She bemoaned, her face still pressed against the crystal surface.
"Twilight, relax," Spike soothed, "Of course you're good at magic, this one's just giving a you lot of trouble, that's all. Maybe you should ask Pinkie to come over again."
"Pinkie?" Twilight sat up sharply. "Pinkie, right. I need more data. Flash, where's Pinkie?"
Flash tapped the headset in his ear. They were a new addition to the Royal guards arsenal, and a simple spell allowed for two-way communication between any number of devices as long as they were tuned to each other. "Squad member #5, where's Element L?" he listened for a moment, then said, "She just went through that weird door on the side of Subercube Corner. I don't think we're going to see her again today."
"Horseapples," Twilight muttered, "Well, I'll just have to ask her tomorrow. Spike, where did you put those books on Discord?"
"Over here Twilight," Spike pointed to a single tome, which contained Ponykind's collective knowledge on the chaos entity. Twilight stared in disbelief at the lonely looking book, then shrugged and yanked it in front of her with her magic. Flash pulled out a deck of cards. Going from Spike's past experiences they'd be here all night, and he'd come prepared.
"Dragon poker?" asked Spike.
"Sure. It's a new moon, ponies get to treat the 10 as a face card."
Twilight didn't even glance up to give them a dirty look.
Discord's room, Canterlot, five minutes ago
"It's worse than I thought," Discord said to himself, watching Pinkie tuck into apple pastries with a vengeance. "She's destabilizing by the hour. I'll have to implement this sooner than I expected. At least it's ready," He glanced down at the object in his hand. "I hope it is anyway."
He wrote a quick note telling Pinkie he was ready and sent it via mane-mail. He watched Pinkie read it, say her goodbyes to the Apple family, and head back to town. Discord knew she'd take a few minutes to arrive, and went over everything one last time. "Well, here goes," he said.
"Thank you for coming so quickly Pinkie, we have something important to take care of." Discord was static, unmoving, which was enough by itself to put Pinkie Pie on edge. She'd never seen him like this, and didn't know what could cause such a bad mood.
"What's the problem?" she asked, a note of trepidation in her voice.
"I'll show you," Discord said. "You see this couch?" Pinkie nodded. "Turn it into something, it doesn't matter what." Confused, Pinkie gestured, and the couch transformation into a gelatin mold of itself, which then collapsed under its own weight. "Now stop focusing on it," Discord ordered.
Pinkie relaxed, releasing her control. Nothing happened for a moment, then the gelatin started to grow and rotate under its own power, until it became a full blown cyclone rampaging inside Discord's small abode. He snapped his fingers, and it was a couch again. Pinkie Pie grew more nervous.
"Is there something wrong with me?" she asked, trying to keep the fear out and not quite succeeding.
"No, no," Discord said, only mostly telling the truth. "You're just not used to using chaos magic like this. Here" he pulled out an iridescent gem, one that sparkled in the fading sun. "It's a focus gem. Keep it on you at all times, and it should help." Pinkie stared at it for a moment, considering, then accepted the crystal, slipping it into her mane where it vanished among the curls.
Good, Discord thought, That's the last piece. Only a few days to go, now. His spleen itched, and one of his extra limbs scratched it absently.
"Now, then." He said, drawing Pinkie's attention from where it had drifted to one of the more colorful rugs on the wall. "Today we're going to try to open your Ali-sight. Do you know what that is?" Pinkie shook her head. "Oh, well. I guess I shouldn't expect you to have an in-depth knowledge of all things magical. Ali-sight is, well, magic-sight. With it, you'll be able to see magic." Discord now had Pinkie's full attention, and she was staring at him intently. "The thing is, since you aren't a unicorn, the usual methods for teaching you how to use it won't work. I'll have to show you, and to do that, I need your permission to speak mind-to-mind. Do you trust me enough to do that?" Discord waited while Pinkie thought it over.
She considered everything they'd been through the past few days: she thought about her initial reluctance, the fun they'd had together, their time spent on the date, how Discord went out of his way to keep her in the loop, all of it. "I think so," she finally answered, "but I want to be able to back out if I feel uncomfortable."
"Of course," Discord said, sighing. It was better than he'd expected, but worse than he'd hoped. "This'll feel a bit disorienting, so prepare yourself." He reached out and placed his claw against Pinkie's forehead. He focused, eyes closed, and opened a connection between them.
Can you hear me? he projected at her.
Wow! Pinkie responded. This is so cool! I can see your thoughts, they look like these funny drawings!
You see them? Huh. It must be different for everypony, Discord thought. I'm hearing yours.
Weird, Pinkie replied. So how am I supposed to use this "Ali-sight"?
Like so, Discord squinted and blinked, opening his eyes to the magical threads. Pinkie felt the mental pathway he used, and copied it, opening her own Sight.
"Ooooooooh," she breathed. "Pretty." The magic of Equestria glimmered in front of them, a shimmering ocean of silver threads, some bright and glowing, some dull and dark. They rippled as they moved, like the surf above a windy sea. The threads passed around and through them, each one connecting the pair to the rest of the world. Pinkie turned to look at Discord, and saw his threads were a massive knot, constantly twisting around themselves and frequently pulling fresh cords into the amalgamation, while spitting out old ones. She also saw that part of him was missing, but it was a part that didn't make any sense. "Discord, where's your heart?"
"That's a lesson for another day, Pinkie." Discord said, removing his hand from her forehead. Tomorrow, to be precise, he thought in the now private cavities of his mind. "This is what the world really looks like, the spectacle I see every time I close my eyes. You see this thread here?" He pointed to a thick strand looping around the doorway before vanishing to parts unknown. "That's the anchor cord for this side of the portal. It keeps the connection between the doors. and this one" he indicated another, slimmer cord, one that wove its way all through the walls and ceiling, "I use to adjust the gravity in here." Pinkie nodded, still trying to soak in the view as best she could.
"Now that your Ali-Sight is active, I can show you how a spell works on the most basic level. It's the how and why of the magical arts, and a must-learn for anypony who wants to Understand magic."
Twilight's Castle
Twilight sneezed into her book, and wiped the snot off with a look of disgust.
Canterlot
"For the past three days you've been learning to move. Now,"Pinkie watched the magic swirl around his palm, and contort into a knot that vibrated the air, causing a pumping beat started up. "I can teach you to dance."
The castle gardens
Pinkie wiped the sweat from her brow and tried her best not to fall over. When Discord had said he would teach her to dance, he was being literal, and had made her move to the music as she wove her spells. Every incantation had a rhythm to its formation, from the rapid patter of a rain spell, to the low booms of teleportation. It didn't matter that she was using chaos magic instead of the regular variety, they still had a beat, just one that broke itself up at random intervals. When she'd cast before, she'd disregarded those patterns entirely, hence the spell unraveled as soon as she stopped holding it together. While she was nowhere near perfect, she could at least now tie a spell knot without having it explode as soon as she let go.
After she'd gotten a handle on the basic spell weaves, Discord had taken her out to the gardens to practice in the open air and around and with nature. Of course, he'd forgotten to tell her what Ali-sight was like when you could see the sky. Pinkie had become so awestruck she'd stopped responding to everything, even Discord covering her in a mound of pie tins. The air above Canterlot was filled to overflowing with threads of magic, twirling in an unseen tornado over the castle, and twisting into knots so complicated they made Pinkie's head literally spin around in circles. Every living thing in the city, from the smallest bacteria to the strongest unicorn was connected to this web, their lives feeding its power and drawing magic from it in return. She saw multiple rivers of energy splitting off from the thundercloud of power overhead, each one heading towards another city or magical hotspot, including one turbulent stream that pointed straight at the Everfree, and seemed to attract more than its fair share of unruly strands.
Once she had taken in enough of the view to be able to focus on her surroundings, Discord had put her to work weaving spells with life. Each creature had its own unique pulse, and although similar plants and animals had similar sounds, no two were identical. Every spell had to be tailored to target, or it would cause a random effect on the unlucky victim. She'd practiced on lizards, mice, flowers, ferns, and everything else she could find until she could barely see straight.
Discord noted her fatigue, and decided to call it a day. The sun had set quite some time ago (another event that had shocked Pinkie into a stupor, as most of the magic over the city had swarmed over the sun like a horde of ants in order to move it), and even he was feeling the ache.
"Bedtime, Pinkie. We'll pick this up tomorrow," Discord said quietly, teleporting them back to his room and gently guiding her towards the door. She stumbled through it, only barely keeping her balance. Discord decided to do her a favor, and teleported her straight to her room before stretching out in his tub.
He mused that she'd been making an amazing amount of progress for only having been at this for a few days. She must have been a prodigy to have picked up on it so quickly. Discord giggled as he thought of tomorrow's lesson plan, then eased off into slumber.
Pinkie, meanwhile, had managed to stay alert long enough to use the bathroom and brush her teeth, then flopped into bed with a contented sigh. She closed her eyes and opened her Sight, drinking in the beauty of the unseen world as she drifted away, right into Luna's waiting barrel.
Interlude: Dreamwalker, meet Dreamtalker
Canterlot, evening
With a shove that was as much physical as mental, Luna's spirit cast off from her body into the Dreamvoid. After a quick lap around her jurisdiction (which didn't include the dreams of other races) to make sure nopony urgently needed her help , Luna began her day-ahem, nightly chore of killing nightmares. She worked deftly and efficiently, saving a green foal from drowning, pulling a tan mare out of a collapsing house, and one odd instance where she fought off a swarm of seagulls that were shouting "Mine!" over and over in a cacophonous din of doom, saving a blue fishermare's catch.
Pausing to take a break, Luna went to visit the only subject of hers that was guaranteed to be having a pleasant rest: Pinkie Pie. Her bubble was always easy to find, given that it was the only one shaped like a balloon, instead of being a perfect sphere like most of the others. Luna was hoping she could relax in whatever frosty paradise Pinkie had created. However, as she approached, she saw something she never would have expected. Pinkie Pie's dream bubble was warping. Luna didn't even know that was possible, let alone thought she would ever see it. With a renewed sense of urgency, she leapt into action, diving into the dream to figure just what was going on.
What she found was pure, true, unadulterated Chaos. She saw uncountable versions of Pinkie Pie, in any and every conceivable state of dress and mind. Chicken costumes, aprons, party suits, happy, sad, mad, scared, laughing, crazy, you name it, it was in there somewhere. Then there was the landscape itself, which didn't even pretend to have a consistent orientation. Gravity would change direction at a moment's notice, if it was even present at all. Tunnels of air, land, and water crisscrossed Luna's vision, with occasional pockets of either making islands, ponds, or caverns in the mess. The entire dream looked like an ant nest that had been levitated out of the ground. Luna stepped into the maze, body tense, eyes alert. This was like no nightmare she'd ever experienced, past or present, and the sooner she found Pinkie Pie, the sooner she could figure out what had caused this. As she advanced deeper into the labyrinth, more impossibilities presented themselves before her. Stairways that lead to nowhere, doors that opened onto more than one exit, mutated flowers, liquid clocks, a veritable rainbow of grass, trees that danced, rabbits that debated, flamingos playing golf, butterflies turning into caterpillars, clouds that adsorbed rain, ponies with the heads where their tails should be, schools of fish with hooves and wings, it was overwhelming. Luna's eyes crossed just trying to take it all in.
After sidestepping a barbershop quartet singing something about a hairbrush, Luna finally spotted Pinkie Pie, curled up, out cold, on a small piece of grass and dirt in the center of a whirling vortex of baked confectioneries. If one the pastries got too close, her mouth would open and she would swallow it whole, but otherwise she didn't seem to be aware of what was happening around her. Luna flew up to meet her, dodging a 15 layer cake and a migration of apple turnovers along the way. She landed delicately on the grass of what seemed to be the only normal piece of turf in the entire dream, and poked Pinkie Pie with her hoof. When that didn't cause her to stir, Luna picked her up, held her to her barrel, and cast a spell that induced lucid dreaming, the one she used to talk with anypony who needed her help.
It was like a master martial artist striking the surface of a choppy pond. The Chaos blew away in a perfect circle of clarity, and the entire dreamscape righted itself, turning into what Luna recognized as the town park outside of Ponyville, with Sugarcube Corner off in the distance. The sky was blue, the grass was green, and everything was back to normal. Not a single trace of the previous madness remained.
"Princess Luna? I thought I went to sleep, not back to Canterlot," Pinkie said, yawning slowly as she snuggled a little deeper into Luna's barrel, and snapping Luna out of her confusion at the sudden change.
"You are asleep, Pinkie Pie," Luna replied, smiling softly. "When you dream, I can come to visit."
Pinkie looked up at her skeptically. "If I'm dreaming, then where's the frosting?" A giant mound of frosting dropped out the sky and landed right next to her. "Oh, there it is." Pinkie jumped out of Luna's forelimbs and devoured the pile in one massive bite, then bounced around to face her, eyes full of excitement.
"Wow, you've never visited me in a dream before! Are you here to have some dream cupcakes, or a dream party, or GASP, a dream cupcake party!? " She immediately dashed off towards Sugercube Corner.
Luna chuckled as she followed Pinkie. "No Pinkie, I'm just here to talk. I've noticed that your dreams are a lot more, chaotic, than usual." The understatement of the century, she thought to herself, "Is there something going on with you and Discord that I should know about?"
Pinkie froze midstep and thought, sending arcs of electricity over the ground as her mind raced. "Um, nope." She eventually said, the grounded lightning dissipating. "Everything's just hunky!" She muscled out for a second, before deflating like one of her balloons.
"I suppose," Luna replied, still uncertain, "You don't seem to be having any problems now, although that may just be my influence. If you remember anything, please let me know. Thank you for your time, Pinkie, I bid thee good night." Luna exited the dream, stepping out into the void between the bubbles. She stuck around for a bit to make sure nothing was wrong with Pinkie's dream, just to be cautious. While they did seem to be a bit more random than usual, it wasn't anything like the crazy storm of thoughts and emotions she'd found previously, and the bubble was back in its original shape, even if that shape was now upside down.
With one last parting glance, Luna went back to work. She cleared the rest of the nightmares in record time, before going back to her own bubble to get some sleep. Along the way she passed Discord's bubble, which looked like a mobius strip crossed with a figure eight crossed with an unknown number of polygons, and her sister's, which looked like a caricature of the sun she moved every day, before stopping in front of her own bubble, in the form of a crescent moon, still brooding on Pinkie Pie's irregularity. Whatever had caused the outburst, it was either gone, controlled, or suppressed, although Luna hoped it was the first option. She didn't even want to think about what would happen if it was one of the others.
Lesson 4: The Great Time Bush
Pinkie Pie woke up happy, and in other news, the sky was blue, the sun was shining, and the smell of baked goods was already wafting up from the kitchen. Unfortunately, that happiness only lasted until she tried to get out of bed, at which point she overbalanced and toppled off the side.
"Oww," she moaned as she climbed to her hooves, "Why is my bed closer to the floor? Gummy, did you see it move?" Gummy, her toothless pet alligator, just blinked, like he always did. "Of course not, you're too busy thinking! My little thinker, that's you." She hugged him, squeezing until his eyes popped out and rolled across the room. "Oh, that's not good. Here, let me help." She picked his eyeballs up, gave them a polish, and slammed them back in his head, where they rolled around a few times before settling into their usual position of pointing in two directions. "There, all better." He blinked, slowly.
She fed him, and proceeded to get ready for the day, noting that the bathroom seemed to have shrunk while she wasn't looking. It must be in cahoots with the bed. She asked Gummy to keep an eye on them in case they changed size again, and trotted downstairs, ducking to avoid smacking her head against the door-frame.
As she stepped into the store proper, her nose was suddenly assaulted with the smell of frostbitten fritters. She followed it to the auxiliary kitchen, where Mr. Cake was messing with one of the ovens, which had frozen over. "Lousy, no-good, piece of-oh, hi Pinkie," he said, extricating himself from the back of the oven. "This old Hoofer's acting up again." He gave it a solid kick, which had absolutely no effect. "It really seems broken this time," he continued, "The usual repairs just aren't working. I'll have to order a new one, and in the meantime we'll be down one baking unit."
DOWN A BAKING UNIT!? Pinkie gasped. UNACCEPTABLE! "Don't worry, Mr. Cake, Fix-It Pinkie is on the case!" Pinkie proclaimed, donning a toolbelt and blue-collar shirt. She stepped up to the oven, and examined it from every angle. When that produced no clues on how to fix it, she close her eyes, focused, and Saw. She knew the kitchen gear operated on magic, which is why Mr. Cake was able to repair it, but until today she hadn't been able to see it. With her Sight open, the problem became obvious: somepony had made a sloppy heating knot during production, and it leaked excess energy that messed with the entire unit. Pinkie reached out, and with a few quick tugs, undid the knot and retied it neatly, like the bow on a present.
Mr. Cake's mouth fell open as he watched the frost disappear into thin air, "Pinkie, since when do you know how to fix these things?" he asked.
"What did you think being Discord's apprentice entailed?" she replied, "Sitting on a cotton candy cloud and watching the world go crazy?" Mr. Cake gaped. Pinkie just grinned, and summoned a bowler hat. "So what's the plan, boss?" She said in a bad Hockney accent.
Mr. Cake managed to regain control of his faculties long enough to fill her in. They'd been asked to cater Button Mash's birthday, and another order of carrot cakes had come in from Canterlot. All in all, a fairly regular day. Pinkie was to mare the store except when she catered the party, as was her specialty. Mrs. Cake had taken the foals to a doctor's appointment, and would be gone most of the day, so it was just the two of them.
"Okie-Dokie-Lokie!" Pinkie saluted Mr. Cake and went to open shop, oblivious to the stare he was directing at her tail as it trailed on the ground.
Canterlot
Discord stepped up to the podium wearing a tuxedo with a white bow-tie in front of an orchestra of fruit. The kumquats were on the strings, The pineapples played percussion, the bananas blew the brass, the watermelon whistled into the woodwinds, and a choir of grapes was standing at the ready. Discord tapped his baton against the musical score, and began to conduct .
"Bravo, bravo, everypony!" he said after the music had faded, "Remember, practice is at 3 P.M. sharp tomorrow, don't miss it!" The fruits packed up their instruments and headed back to the kitchen. "Well," Discord said after they'd all left. "That killed-" he checked his watch, then groaned and slapped a paw against his face. "Twenty-five minutes. Argh, I'm so bored! Nothing holds my attention anymore! Why do I have to wait until this afternoon to visit Pinkie, anyway?"
"Because you promised to not step into the Cakes's store unless it was closed?" Answered his voice, coming from his right shoulder.
"Oh, joy," Discord drawled, "You guys again."
"Yep!" Answered another voice, this time from the opposite side. "Come on, go pay her a visit! It's so drab around here, and she always manages to liven up the place."
"Don't you remember what I did to you two the last time you showed up?" Discord growled.
"Let's see," said George, spinning his halo around a talon.
"You turned us inside out," started Eddie, balanced zen style on top of his knork.
"Set our insides on fire,"
"Then melted the ashes,"
"Used the rubbery remains to blow balloon animals,"
"Which you then popped,"
"And finally," George finished, "dumped the broken pieces into a supernova, which you then threw down a black hole."
"I think that covers it," said Eddie, nodding sagely.
"And what, exactly, is stopping me from doing all that again?" Discord threatened.
"Besides your tendency to never repeat yourself?" said George, "The fact that we wouldn't be here if you didn't have a moral dilemma that needed solving."
Discord pulled a rapier out of his torso. "Touche," he said. "So, what's this so called problem?"
"Isn't it obvious?" snarked Eddie, "We're here to talk about Pinkie, dumbflank!"
George face-palmed. "What my brother meant to say was, 'We're here to help you decide whether breaking a Pinkie Promise is worth getting to see her sooner.' I for one, think it isn't."
"Of course you don't," snorted Eddie, "You're the good one, remember?"
"How could I forget?" drawled George.
"Shut up, both of you!" snapped Discord, "This is why I don't like you guys. Hearing my own voice in stereo gets annoying, especially when I don't control what it says." He smashed a boombox under hoof.
"Well, excuuuuse me!" said Eddie, "Brother, let's run down the problem."
"Very well," said George as Discord plopped onto his couch with a grunt, "You want to go see Pinkie Pie, but you can't visit Sugarcube Corner because you Pinkie Promised not to enter during store hours."
"Which is as close to an unbreakable vow as the universe has," continued Eddie, "Furthermore, the pony responsible for enforcing the Pinkie Promise is the exact same one you want to see."
"Which means that she'll probably be less than pleased with you if you break it," concluded George.
"But it's so tempting," teased Eddie, "You love doing stuff with her. She's the most fun you've had since you reformed!"
"It's not worth it," warned G, "She'll be really mad at you."
"Enough," Discord said coolly. They both shut up, knowing that a calm Discord was way more dangerous than a loud one. "George, run the exact wording of my Promise past me again?"
"Ahem." George unrolled a scroll, "'I, Discord, Pinkie Promise to never set hoof, talon, or any other piece of my body inside Sugarcube Corner during store hours.'"
"Does it say anything about the area around the store?" Discord queried.
George flipped through his notes. "Nope."
"I'll catch her when she steps outside, then," stated Discord, "Now scram, both of you." They vanished, although Eddie stabbed him with his knork on the way out. The hole bled golden honey for a moment before Discord sealed it.
He then snapped his fingers, appearing on the outskirts of Ponyville in a black jumpsuit. "I know what I must do," he stated gravely as music started to play. As it did, he took off through the town, slinking over rooftops, jumping from chimney to chimney, and gathering a lot of strange looks from those ponies who didn't instantly run away screaming. It turns out playing music while trying to sneak around is extremely counterproductive.
Finally after attracting the attention of at least half the town, Discord settled onto the roof of one of the houses opposite the establishment, and pulled out half a pair of binoculars. Holding it up to his eye, he settled in to wait.
"Hi, Discord!" shouted Pinkie over his shoulder. Discord proceeded to demonstrate he was just as capable as a cat of moving in seven different directions all at once without budging an inch, simultaneously leaping into the air before he crashed down onto the roof with a mighty squeak. "Watcha' doin'?"
"Pinkie!" Discord said indignantly, "How did you know I was here. And how did you sneak up on me?"
"Well, I was going on lunch break," began Pinkie, "When all of a sudden I got a Sense! A wiggly tail plus trembly knees and a twitchy nose means I was being spied on, so I took a look-see and there you were, curled up here looking totally silly! After that, I just bounced up and said, 'Hi, Discord!' and you were all, 'blagh!' and I was all, 'giggle!' and-"
Discord cut her off by pulling her muzzle off her face. "I think I get the idea," he drawled, "So, you're on break, you said?" Pinkie stared at him indignantly before she gestured at her mouth, and Discord felt sheepish for a moment as he gave it back to her.
"Yep-a-roonie! So why are you out here, anyway? I've got some stuff to do," Pinkie glanced over Discord's shoulder, and he turned to see Twilight walking through the crowd, clearly looking for somepony, with bits of her mane sticking up and a twitching right ear. "She's only going to get worse if I don't talk to her."
"Hold on," Discord said thinking quickly, "Let me handle this."
He snapped his fingers and teleported directly in front of Twilight, holding a stack of papers in the now desolate town square. "Here, these have the data you're looking for, now stop stalking my apprentice." Twilight stared at the readings in confusion before her face lit up. She all but tore them out of his grip and sprinted back to her castle, leaving Discord coughing in a cloud of dust. After the air had cleared, he nodded to himself, then teleported back to the roof Pinkie was standing on, her expression torn between concern and amusement.
"That takes care of that," he said smugly.
"Aw, I was kind of looking forward to messing with her again," Pinkie said wistfully, "You must be rubbing off on me."
"Now, whatever gave you that idea?" Discord drawled, wiping a brown stain off her side. She just just stared at him for a moment, then burst into giggles.
"Who am I kidding, I can't stay mad at you," she wheezed out, "Now what are we doing this time? It can't take long, I have to cater Button Mash's party soon."
Discord smiled slyly. "Don't worry, Pinkie. Where we're going, we'll have all the time in Equestria."
Pinkie rolled over onto her back and looked up at him, curious. "Remember how I said you lived in a small, impoverished subset of reality?" Pinkie nodded. "It's time to leave it. Now I can't really explain it, since as a 3-dimensional creature like yourself wouldn't be able to wrap her head around it, but I can show you." He held out his paw, and Pinkie took it carefully. "Hold on tight. It's about to get trippy, man," Discord discarded the tie-die shirt he was wearing, and pulled .
????????
Pinkie blinked, and looked around. She and Discord were floating in a void filled with glowing white lines that stretched in every direction, including some she hadn't even known existed, until they faded off into the distance. When she inspected the closest tube, she saw... Ponyville, just at the point she and Discord had left. Everypony in the square had stopped moving, their mouths open in speech, or their eyes caught mid blink. She could even spot Twilight, frozen in mid stride, galloping towards her castle. Looking a bit up the strand, she saw herself trotting back in to Sugercube Corner, before it branched off into several different threads, each one portraying slightly different events.
"Discord," she said slowly, "What is this place?" She turned to look at him, and had to force her mouth shut to keep from screaming. Discord had a massive round growth sticking out of his back, pointing in a direction she couldn't quite wrap her head around, as it didn't seem to be one of the standard six. It was covered in eyes and random limbs, like some sick god had dropped a zoo in a blender and reanimated the bloody remains. Discord blinked in confusion at her reaction for a moment, before his eyes widened and the growth disappeared into a hole in space.
"Oh, I'm sorry, Pinkie, I completely forgot about that little detail." When she gave him a questioning look, he continued, "My body can't quite fit into the universe as you know it. While you live in three dimensions, up, down, left, right, and forwards, backwards, I live in six or so. I'm too big to squeeze into one of these timelines, so part of me is always just hanging out. That's what you saw. However, you'll have to mare up, I'm tame compared to some of the eldritch out there. As for where we are..."
Discord spun in a slow circle as he said, "Welcome to reality as it really is. These branches represent every possible outcome of every single event, stretching all the way back to the Origin of Existence. It's gone by many names, including Yggdrasil and The World Tree, but thanks to its squat shape, I prefer to call it The Great Time Bush. Today's lesson will be outside of the normal flow of time, and as such we're in no hurry to return. The entire world will wait until we get back." Pinkie's mouth fell open. "Now, before we can go exploring, you need to learn how to set a homing beacon. I've already placed one myself, but it will be best if you do so as well."
"Um, Discord? If you've already made one, then why not just show me how so we can go exploring that much faster? I bet they have the most parties out there."
"THIS IS NOT UP FOR DEBATE!" Discord shouted, poking Pinkie in the forehead, "SET A HOMING BEACON, AND DO IT NOW."
Pinkie's ears flattened against her head as she set to work with the instructions he'd just given her, both hurt and confused. He never shouted at her, no matter what happened, or how well she was doing. It was disconcerting to say the least. By the time she'd finished, Discord seemed to have cooled off, though he still looked stern.
"I'm sorry, Pinkie," he began, "I shouldn't have shouted at you. It's just," he sighed, staring off into the void, "I learned that particular lesson the hard way."
Pinkie reclined in the air, watching him intently as he spoke. "You probably wouldn't have guessed, but I'm not from Equestria originally. My home is out there," he gestured out into the Bush, "Back in my early days, I was the Chaos lord of a totally different timeline, and it was the most boring job in existence. So one day, I decided to take a break. I cast off into the tree in search of amusement. However, when I went to go back-"
"You couldn't find it?" Pinkie gasped, horrified.
"Worse," Discord answered, "And don't interrupt. Oh, I most certainly found it, it and 100 other timelines that resembled mine closely enough that I couldn't tell the difference. I had no idea which one was actually mine. I tried just picking one at random, but it just didn't feel right. It wasn't home, and my true home was buried under a pile of copycats. So, I left, bouncing my way across the Tree. Eventually, I found Equestria, a world where I actually felt like sticking around longer than it would take to set up a couple of pranks. Eventually, it became my new home, but I never stopped visiting my old cluster, trying to figure out which one was mine, if only to get a sense of closure."
WHUMP. Discord wobbled in the air a bit, then stared down at Pinkie's new perch on his midsection in surprise. It took him a moment to figure out what was happening, and when the response finally came back, a floor appeared out of nowhere and slammed into his back. She was hugging him! He never got hugs!
"Don't be sad, Master," Pinkie mumbled into his coat. "If you'd never come to Equestria, you wouldn't have gotten to date the Princess, or played all those pranks with me! And I would never have found out what I really was. So be happy, Discord, that such a sad mistake had such a happy result."
Discord chuckled and ruffled her mane, although the vibrant curls made it impossible to tell. "I'm not sad, Pinkie, just nostalgic. Now that I've got you, Fluttershy, and Celestia, I wouldn't leave even if my real home appeared right in front us."
Pinkie beamed, and released him. "Then what are we waiting for!? Let's go!" She took off down the tree, legs swimming through the air.
Discord laughed, and followed her. "Hold up, Pinkie! I've got some great places to show you!"
View Online
Lesson 4, Part 2: Crossover, Crossover, Crossover!
"Watch out!" Discord yanked Pinkie away from a gap in the timelines just before a high-tech silver car flew past. "Pinkie, you can't just go running off like that. We're not the only ones out here."
Pinkie stared at him. "Really!?" She gasped.
Discord nodded sagely. "Yep. In fact, ponies aren't even the most common species. It's actually these weird bipedal ape things called humans. We'll be running into a lot of those. That was one of their time machines that almost ran you over. Now, I know I've got a map in here somewhere..."
He rummaged around in a big bag labeled "Hammerspace" for a few seconds, then pulled out a small sphere. Tossing it gently into the air, it soared upwards for a moment before exploding in a halo of light. When the spots had faded from Pinkie's eyes, a full picture of the Great Time Bush had formed. Most of it was pure white, but a few areas had been color coded.
"Now," Discord said, holding up a stimulus, "We are here, more or less." He indicated a brown dot on the edge about halfway up the tree. "This area," he pointed to a large pink blob surrounding the dot, one that trailed all the way down to the roots, "Is what I call the Ponyverse. Every timeline within this outline has ponies, or quadrupeds rather, as the dominant life form. The rest of the tree is ruled by humans, and although they take different names and occasionally have other superficial changes, they're still basically the same thing." He pulled up a couple of pictures. While each looked slightly different, from grey skin to pointed ears to multiple eyes, they were all built on the same framework: They stood on their hind legs, had forelimbs with nimble claws called fingers, and a flat face with the features pointing forward.
"Wow, that's neat!" Pinkie chirped, "But why are humans so common?"
"It's because they live in the Alpha timeline." He indicated a bright golden strand pointing straight up from the base of the Bush. "It's the exact center of the Time Bush, and it's impossible for us to interact with it because the very act of entering that timeline makes it deviate from the Alpha. Also, the local Guardian doesn't like visitors."
"Guardian? What's a guardian?" Pinkie asked, her head rotated upside down.
"Me, " Said a voice directly behind her. Pinkie spun around in place, and found herself face to face with a glowing orange slitted eye. The eye belonged to a massive thestral, massive when compared to Pinkie, that is, with a dark blue coat and mane that seemed to ooze shadows. Pinkie suddenly realized she was very much bite-sized, and had to resist the urge to back up nervously.
The stallion only chuckled good-naturedly at her discomfort. "Really, Pinkie? Do you honestly think I'd destroy my greatest creation? " She stared at him in confusion while Discord doubled over, only barely holding in his amusement. "As much as I'd love to talk, " he continued, "I really must be going. Ach-Galuk is chewing on one of the threads again. Discord. " He nodded at the Draconequus, then spread his wings and flew past them, heading back up the timeline they'd just left, leaving Pinkie gaping and Discord smirking after him.
"Discord," Pinkie said, her voice still wary, "Who was that?" Discord couldn't contain himself any longer, and his entire body fell apart as he shook with laughter. Pinkie glowered at him, not angry, but still nervous. Eventually Discord pulled himself together, and summoned a book titled Grimoire for Summoning the Zoologically Dubious, which he flipped through absently.
"Let's see, Teasing Pixies, Temperamental Wormholes, ah, here we go, Timeline Guardians." He read, "Timeline Guardians are the creatures responsible for maintaining the integrity and overall stability of the Great Time Bush. Each Guardian chooses a branch to care for, and they do so by reinforcing the outcomes they favor while allowing those they don't to be consumed by the Harvesters, see page 999. Their power level depends on how important their overall contribution is to the tree, and can vary from just being a time traveler with a part-time job to rivaling a major god. While some are friendly and/or malicious most just prefer to be left alone and care for their chosen branch in peace.
"Summoning Recommendations: DO NOT SUMMON! They do not like being disturbed from their work and will destroy your entire timeline out of spite if you summon one without a "Fate of the Bush is at stake" level of reason to do so." He looked up at Pinkie over his glasses. "That was Architect, the Guardian responsible for all timelines where I take you as an apprentice. Does that answer your question?" Pinkie nodded slowly, still feeling a little overwhelmed. "Don't worry," Discord said soothingly, "He's a nice guy, by Guardian standards. Just don't mess with time travel too much and he'll be fine. He hates untangling time loops. In any case, we probably won't see him again." Discord shut the book with a snap and re-summoned the Time Bush map.
"Now, I've done a ton of exploring over the eons," he said, indicating the colored in areas of the map, "But this place is so huge I still haven't seen even a third of it. The important locations are the Alpha timeline, which we already talked about, and the Origin of Existence." He tapped the base of the bush with a claw,"Which is exactly what it sounds like. It is the beginning of time, and the point from which all timelines grow. Other than that, it doesn't really do much, as the universe inside is still just a speck. Anyway, this timeline," he highlighted a gold section of the map, causing it glow softly, "Is a personal favorite of mine." He tapped the spot, and the map unspooled into a thread leading out into the Bush. "Do keep up now, and stay close. I don't want you running into something you can't handle." Discord curled into a ball and rolled down the thread.
"Okie-Dokie-Lokie!" Pinkie chirped, and sprouted wheels out of her hooves to follow him.
88888888
In a desert somewhere in the american southwest, a hole appeared in the universe. This hole was quickly filled by a bright pink head, followed by a torso attached to a tail and four legs. With a loud popping noise, Pinkie Pie appeared: too bad she was 50 feet off the ground, and made the mistake of looking down. Discord dropped in a moment later, and managed to restrain his laughter long enough to pull his apprentice out of a pony shaped crater, then fell over clutching his sides. Pinkie sighed resignedly before she giggled along with him, eyeing the landscape curiously.
"So, Dissy," she asked, "What's so special about this place?"
Discord, having finally recovered enough breath to speak, answered, "You known how we run on different rules than most ponies?" Pinkie nodded, but before Discord could continue, a blue blur zoomed up a nearby road. It froze in front of them, revealing itself to be a bird with long legs, tiny wings, and a big blue tail. it blew a raspberry at them, then shouted "MEEP! MEEP!" and took off down the road. Pinkie and Discord stared after it, and he said, "In this world, those rules reign supreme."
Pinkie's eyes and smile widened in glee. "You mean I can finally try out that super party cannon I've been building!?"
"Precisely, my dear Watson," said Discord, blowing into a bubble pipe, "Now, we must go visit some old pals of mine. I believe they'd be delighted to meet you."
He pulled on the air, and they stepped through the hole, landing on the top of a water tower looming over a film studio the size of Ponyville. Discord flowed down the side of the tower to a railing, then knocked politely on a blue shield shaped door with the letters W.B. written on it in gold paint. The door sprang open, and three cat-dog hybrids walking on their hind legs popped up. "Hello, Discord!" they chorused.
"My dear friends," Discord said warmly, "Come on out, I have someone to introduce you too." The three creatures bounced out and surrounded Pinkie Pie, smiling widely.
"We're the Warner Brothers!" said the two males.
"And the Warner Sister!" said the female.
"I'm Yakko!" Said the one in the brown pants and belt.
"I'm Wakko!" said the male wearing a blue shirt and red hat.
"And I'm Dot!" said the girl in a pink skirt with a yellow flower behind her ear.
"What's your name?" They asked simultaneously.
"Hi, Yakko, hi, Wakko, hi Dot, I'm Pinkie Pie!" Pinkie said happily. She loved making new friends. "Do you like cupcakes? Do you, do you, huh, huh, huh?" She stuck her face in their's, beaming all the while.
"Cupcakes?" Wakko said, "I love cupcakes!"
"Great!" Pinkie pulled out a cupcake the size of a car and tried to hit him over the head with it. His mouth opened impossibly wide and he swallowed in one bite, then burped.
"Mmm," he said, "Tasty."
Discord laughed, doing back flips propelled by the air expulsed from his chest. "I knew it!" he exclaimed, "You fit right in." Discord quickly teleported high above the studio, and pulled out a megaphone. He took a breath so deep his chest expanded like an overused balloon, and he shouted, "Hey, Everypony! DISCORD'S BACK, BABY!" For one long, agonizing moment, the silence was perfect. Then the sirens began to blare as the sound of screaming reached his ears. Discord smiled contentedly before drifting back down to the walkway, where he perched on the safety rail and started preening his wing.
The Warners stared out across the lot, clearly impressed. "Huh," said Yakko, "And I thought our return was a smash hit."
Wakko blinked, then pulled out an anvil and dropped it over railing. It whistled as it fell, until they all heard a loud CLANG
Wakko pointed at the guy in the bad dinosaur suit who had just gotten flattened and said, "I thought that was a smash hit." Dot groaned and slapped her palm against her face while Pinkie giggled.
"Say, Yakko," said Discord, pulling out a telescope and peering down at the chaos below. "Is the CEO's office in the same place it was the last time I was here?"
"It should be, why do you-" SNAP "ask." Yakko chuckled. "Come on, sibs." Pinkie pouted. "and Pinkie," She perked up. "We don't wanna miss this!"
888888888
Thaddeus Plotz, CEO of Warner Studios, staggered into his office carrying an enormous pile of building supplies. Yanking out a hammer and some nails, he boarded up the door and every single window, which were quite numerous. Then he pulled steel shutters down on top of the boards, and topped it all off with dozens of chains and several oversized locks. In case it wasn't obvious, he was on the verge on total panic, dripping sweat on the floor and twitching all over at odd intervals. Ever since Discord's little announcement, one that had been blared across the studio in the most overt way possible, his office phone had been ringing non-stop. The sheer number of calls had overloaded the switchboard within two seconds, and it was now visibly smoking as it sobbed piteously on the shoulder of the coat rack. He'd given up at that point and run off for the materials to barricade his office. Maybe if just stayed in here until that maniac was gone, he'd be able to avoid meeting him face to face.
"Ooh, fancy! I take it you're the new guy?" Or not.
Still sweating visibly, Thaddeus turned around to see Discord, the legendary escalator of the "Animaniacs Incident," wearing a tourist's outfit and taking pictures of his office. "Ah Discord," he said nervously, tugging at his shirt collar since the room seemed awfully warm. "What a pleasant surprise!"
Discord's attire disappeared and he teleported right in Mr. Plotz face, scowling grumpily at him as the CEO stumbled back in fear. "Don't lie to me, Plotz. I know what I did last the time I was here was less than appreciated." He grinned suddenly, and for some reason Thaddeus found the smile to be even more terrifying. "But you don't have to worry about that anymore, I've reformed!"
Thaddeus smiled anxiously. "Reformed?" he asked. Maybe this visit wouldn't be the disaster of the last time he showed up. His father had told him horror stories of the battle between the Warners and Discord for the title of Most Chaotic. It was only due to blind luck and a shared interest in practical jokes that the entire state of California hadn't been leveled.
"Yepperuny!" shouted a female voice right in his ear, and he yelped and spun around to see... a small bright pink horse? Considering some of the stuff that went on in the studio, that was actually pretty normal. "Discord used to be a big meanie until my friend Fluttershy got to him! Now he's a big ol' softie." She turned Discord into a stuffed version of himself and hugged him, and he turned himself back just as quickly and slipped out of her embrace, clearly miffed by her antics. "Anyway, my name's Pinkie Pie! Do you like parties?"
"Not particularly, no," said Mr. Plotz, rather put out by her energetic attitude. "Unless those parties involve big contracts, of course."
Pinkie gasped in horror. "YOU DON"T LIKE PARTIES!?" she shouted, and Mr. Plotz scrambled backward, falling into the seat behind his mahogany desk. "Well, you haven't had a Pinkie Party yet! Yakko, Wakko, Dot!" The Warners sprang out from behind the coat rack in full military dress, and scrambled to attention in front of her, saluting sharply. "We have a new mission, soldiers: throw the best part this world will ever see! Are you with me?"
"AYE, AYE, CAPTAIN!" They shouted, then goose-stepped after Pinkie out of the room, cutting neat profile shaped holes in the now completely useless barricade.
Discord laughed, and wrapped an arm anaconda style around Thaddeus, pulling his chair close to him. "I don't care how much you hate parties," Discord said, still chuckling, "You're not missing this one."
"I take it I don't have a choice in the matter?" Mr. Plotz said weakly. When Discord nodded, he sighed, "I thought so."
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Lesson 4, Part 3: It's Time For Pinkiemaniacs!
"Pinky," droned Brain, his voice muffled due to being upside down with the upper half of his torso inside a contraption covered in flashing lights and glowing switches, "Go find the 500 Ohm resistor I ordered. It should have arrived with the mail this morning, and I think even you could handle retrieving it for me."
"Sure thing, Brain! Narf!" Brain grinned inside the machine as he heard Pinky run off into the lab. This time he'd really outdone himself. There was no way he would fail this time. Soon he would control the U.N.s water supply, and then the world!
"Here you go Brain!" squeaked Pinky, sticking the resistor into Brain's outstretched paw. Brain went to install the piece, but froze as he read the color code on the surface.
"Pinky," he said slowly, pulling his head out of the machine to glare at his assistant, "This is a milllion Ohm resistor. I asked for a 500 Ohm. Now fetch me the right component before I am forced to hurt you."
"But that was the right one, Brain!" Pinky protested, "I got it out of that big box on the counter."
Brain sighed and tumbled out of the machine's guts, landing on the counter top next to Pinky with a plop, "Very well," He grumbled as he stood, wiping the gunk off his arms, "I'll get it myself."
Brain strode towards the box, the moonlight streaming in through the window casting his shadow in enormous proportions along the tiled floor. Leaping off of a springboard he'd built for just this purpose, he hopped into the box that had arrived that afternoon and started searching, tossing packing all over the place. No 5-volt resistor revealed itself to him, but he did find a packing slip with a receipt. 1 million Ohm resistor, to be delivered to ACME labs. Brain crumpled the paper in his paws as his ears turned red and started spewing smoke.
"Pinky," he growled, "It appears those idiotic humans at the shipping company mixed up our order. We're going to have to push this project back until I can get the right piece." He tossed the paper into the garbage can and started pacing below the window. "However, that means that the rest of tonight is unscheduled. I'm going to need to find something to fill the time."
Just after the words had left his mouth a pink blur zoomed through the building, leaving him and Pinky both holding a slip of paper. Glancing over it, Brain saw that is was, "Ah." he droned, "An invitation. How convenient."
"Check it out, Brain," Pinky shouted, "I've been invited-"
"To Pinkielooza," Brain finished for him, "The bestest," Brain cringed, "party to ever exist. Hosted by Pinkie Pie-"
"She's got my name!" Pinky exclaimed.
"Yes," Brain droned, "She does. Now, as I was saying it's hosted by Pinkie Pie, the Warner siblings, and... Discord?"
Pinky gasped, "Discord? Wasn't he responsible for creating the Rule of Funny?"
"He was, Pinky, but how did you know?'
"It's in the script,"* Pinky said as he held up a bundle of lined notepaper and pointed to the line.
Brain snatched the stack of paper from him and glanced over it, frowning slightly. "So it is," he finally conceded, then tossed the paper off-screen to help get the plot back on track, "According to the few written records that survive his visit to our universe, Discord is the most powerful cartoon to ever exist, and it seems this 'Pinkie Pie' is on a similar level to him. Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
"I think so, Brain, but how are we going to steal that power for ourselves?"
Brain's brain shut down for a moment as he processed that Pinky actually was pondering what he was pondering. For once. "I'll think of something," he said finally, "Pinky, go warm the robotic suit up, we've got a party to attend."
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ZIP! ZIP! ZIP! Pinkie was a blur as she raced across the earth delivering invitations to "Pinkielooza, The Bestest Party of all time!" If she wasn't already sprinting across the globe the nervous energy running through her body would have caused her to twitch so hard it would make a crack in the universe. Then she'd have to call a repairman, or the crack would summon a Doctor, and he detested universe hopping. As she ran, she dropped invitations out of her mane and onto the doorsteps of every actor, celebrity, and cartoon currently alive. The Warners were taking care of the setup, working alongside Discord to get the entire studio ready to house enough people to apply for a city license.
The Warners had said they'd have it done in time, and with Discord helping keep them on track it was going to be the biggest, most awesome party she'd ever thrown! And if it turned out they didn't have it ready, she could always pop back in time to finish up for them. She loved time travel, it was so useful! Always popping in just when you're needed, and not a moment before. Although she couldn't care less about time loops. Keeping everything just so to prevent a paradox was always a pain. And so boring! All those rules. And rap lyrics. For some reason ponies who did a lot of time-travel paperwork had to submit their documents in rhyme. Celestia knows why.
In her wake, heads popped out of houses, trees, rabbit holes, and just about every other possible kind of abode. They picked the invitations up, which spat confetti out of nowhere, and after a quick read had either decided to come, or not. Most of the celebrities and actors refused, not wanting anything to do with a party hosted by cartoons. The cartoons themselves, however...
"The Warners workin' with Discord?" Mused Bugs Bunny, "That's gonna to be one crazy shindig." He hopped out of his rabbit hole and started digging west, "No way I'm missing that."
Once word of Bugs attending made its rounds, just about every other cartoon decided to come as well. With any luck, they'd bring the house down! Literally.
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Pinkie vibrated with excitement, shaking the tables surrounding her along with Mr. Plotz, who was doing his best to glare at her but unable to stay focused long enough to pull it off. It was time! The guests were here, the bar was stocked, although most of the guests wouldn't be able to partake, and the activities were set up. At Discord's advice, she'd relegated her usual party games to only a fraction of the possible things to do, and filled the rest of the space with a variety of suggestions. She had no idea why they thought the "Abuse the Mime" game was funny, but the mime himself didn't seem to mind, so she went along with it. All that was left was a final check and opening the doors.
"Wakko, lights!" she shouted. Wakko stuck his head out of the rafters and plugged in a power cord as thick around as he was, then shot her the OK sign. "Yakko, Music!" A pumping beat started playing , and Yakko gave her a thumbs-up from the DJ's booth. "Dot, action!" Dot switched costumes to a sparkly red evening gown and pulled open the doors, which slammed into the walls and exploded in a pile of miniature apple pies. Pinkie could feel the energy in the air as the guests streamed in, taking in the sights and running off to amuse themselves. She grabbed a microphone and shouted into it, filling the cavernous room with her voice and special talent for joy, "All right, everypony, I want to see you smile!"
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"Say, sir," said the doorman to Brain, giving him a curious look, "Isn't your head a little small for your body?"
"I'm not a man," Brain replied, "I'm a mouse in a robotic suit."
The bouncer peered closer, and said, "Ah, so you are. Invitation?"
Brain held out his and Pinky's slips, which the doorman, took, glanced over, and then nodded his head. "You're cleared. Right this way, please." He gestured towards the entrance, and Pinky piloted the suit inside, leaving the Bouncer to turn back to the endless line of people and cartoons hoping to get in the door.
As Brain and Pinky entered the party room proper, they had to duck to avoid a stray anvil since the party was already in full swing. To start with, the dance floor directly in front of them was overflowing with people, all dancing and talking and laughing and just generally having a great time. It was hard to tell under the flashing neon lights and pounding music, but there seemed to be quite a few cartoons mixed in with the humans, also doing the above activities along with a fair bit of singing, or just spazzing out if they couldn't actually dance.
Tearing his gaze away from the center of the room, Brain glanced around the edges and saw rows upon rows of tables, each covered in a spread of food, punch, and even one bowl that was filled with gems, and not those dinky little artificial diamonds either, but sapphires and emeralds larger than Pinky and Brain combined. Out past the tables, the room seemed to stretch and warp in ways that defied the laws of physics, or at least architecture, creating even more space for every game and sport ever created, and as Brain watched it grew slightly bigger to allow for a life-sized 3D chess match between Yakko and Daffy Duck. In other words, it was the party most could only dream about, and it wasn't even past 10 P.M. yet.
"Pinky," Shouted Brain over the music, "I think we can leave the suit behind. Compared to some of the contents of this room, we're downright plain." Pinky derped and nodded in response, allowing Brain to guide him over to a nearby bench, where they powered down the suit and pulled out the energy drainer Brain had thrown together.
"Now Pinky," Brain stated, "I need you to gather some readings for me. Put this on," He held out an ear piece, "And interact with the targets while I record the data I need." When Pinky just stared at him blankly, Brain facepalmed and clarified, "Go have fun with Discord, Pinky. I'll take care of the pony. Even your stunted intellect can handle such a simple exercise."
"Right away, Brain!" Pinky said with a salute, "Narf!" He sprang off the bench and tried to race out into the crowd, only for Brain to reach out and grab his tail, causing him to faceplant onto the wooden surface.
"You forgot the sensors, Pinky," Brain droned holding up the earpiece Pinky had dropped.
Pinky turned around to look at Brain, then glanced down at the black box in his paws, shrugged, and tossed it over his shoulder, causing it to cover up a nasty swear let out by a more-than-slightly drunk Yosemite Sam.
"Sorry, Brain, must have grabbed the wrong one," he said, taking the right object this time and sticking it in his ear. "See ya later, Brain! Have Fun!" With that, Pinky turned around and dove over the edge of the bench. Brain spotted him swimming up a stream of punch that was floating in midair before Brain lost him amid the shadows and flashing lights. A quick check on his equipment confirmed it was functioning normally, and with a nod of satisfaction, Brain pulled out a jetpack (since just walking across the floor would be extremely hazardous to his health) and soared out into the chaos.
As Brain hovered along the edges of the dance floor he quickly realized there was a slight flaw in his master plan. Namely, that this place was huge, and he had no idea where this "Pinkie Pie" was supposed to be. Well, that wasn't strictly true. He had a bearing, or two rather, pointing towards opposite sides of the hall. Supposedly, one was Discord, and the other Pinkie. Now how to tell which one was which... Brain was startled out of his thoughts by the squeal of a microphone as the latest song ended.
"Hey, Everypony," Shouted an energetic, female voice over the speakers, "Are you having a good time!?" The crowd roared, and Brain clamped his hands over his ears in response to the deafening sound wave. This turned out to be a mistake. His jetpack, no longer under his control, decided that now would be a great time to show its enthusiasm as well, and promptly rocketed into the ceiling, taking Brain along with it. He bounced off a support beam with a clang, then his jetpack grew arms, mimed having a heart attack, and died.
Brain's stomach shot into his mouth as the ground came rushing up to meet him, and he only barely managed to glide to a safe landing on top of Marvin the Martian's helmet. Marvin, in response, plucked Brain off his head, glared at him, then stuck a ray gun in his face and blasted him across the room, where he landed with a plop on top of one the speakers adjacent to the DJ's booth. Just as he managed to stumble to his feet, Pinkie (for he could now see that it was none other than the pink pony herself standing next to the DJ, some celebrity with a lot of bling he couldn't put a name to) shouted, "Well, that's great! I just wanted to let you know that none of this would have been possible without our sponsor, Mr. Plotz! Give him a big hand will you!"
Brain, forced to his hands and knees thanks to the vibrations of the speaker, watched in fascination as Pinkie's forelimb stretched out and pushed the Warner Bros. CEO out where everyone could see him. From the brief glimpse Brain had caught of him, Mr. Plotz was somewhere between livid and terrified, which given the circumstances was not at all surprising. Then the crowd cheered, a random assault of sound for the first few moments, before it slowly changed into a chant of, "Mr. Plotz! Mr. Plotz!" Slowly, the CEO raised his hand and gave a tentative wave, and the party-goers somehow got even louder. Brain dropped from his perch onto the turntable to get a closer, and realized to his shock that Mr. Plotz was... smiling? And were those tears in his eyes?
Brain shook himself to clear his head of distractions. He was here to take over the world, not watch his boss grow as a character. Fortunately for Brain, his scanning equipment had survived what the jetpack had not. Honestly, he should have just built the piece of junk himself instead of ordering from the ACME catalog using his employee's discount. It would have saved him a ton of trouble. At least his homemade inventions worked like they were supposed to. Brain flicked a few switches and a turned dial on the box strapped to his back, causing the device to power up and start collecting data. Soon he would control the power of the strongest cartoons ever live! With his mind directing their power, the world was HIS!
"Hi, Brain!" shouted Pinkie Pie right next to his ear, causing him to let out an undignified squeak and almost drop the machine's remote, "Welcome, to my party! Are you having fun yet?"
"I suppose," Brain said evenly. He was feeling the satisfaction of a plan coming together, which was as close as he ever let himself come to "fun." He had a reputation to maintain, after all. "I'm not the most emotional mouse." Most of the time, at least. For some reason he seemed to be in a much better mood than usual all of a sudden, and it wasn't related to his scheming.
"That's no excuse," Ms. Pie replied, "If you're not happy, it means I'm not doing my job!"
"And what job is that?" Brain chirped. Yes, that's right, chirped. He had no clue what was wrong with him! He came here to grab absolute power, not have a good time, and yet just standing next to this pony was making him feel, he shuddered, giddy. It was abhorrent!
"To make ponies happy, duh!" Pinkie said, sticking her rump, which was decorated by a fancy drawing of three balloons, in his face, "It's my special talent! Throwing parties is just the best way to do it!"
Brain could only stare in horrified fascination at the flank hovering less than an inch in front of his nose. He'd known intellectually that this mare was going to be weird, even by Warner Bros. standards, but only now did it really start to sink in.
Pinkie didn't give him any time to ponder this development, however, instead saying, "Come on, I'll turn that frown upside down!" Grabbing his arm in her hoof (how!? ), and dragging him bodily towards the activities lining the walls. He could only hope that Pinky, his Pinky, not this one, was having more luck than he was.
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"That's a good point, Pinky," Discord said amiably, blowing a elliptical bubble through a hole made by his talons, "But you forgot to include the water that comes in the soap in your bubble lifespan calculations. It totally messes with the projected outcome."
"No, Discord," Pinky replied, sticking his own bubble wand into the mixture and blowing gently, "I remembered. Why do you think I added that twist of lemon? It was to balance out the pH and reach the perfect buffer amounts." His bubble twisted into what appeared to be a laser gun for a moment before it twitched and snapped back to the more normal near-perfect sphere.
"So you did," Discord said, nodding sagely as he watched a small brown squirrel use one of the larger bubbles in their activity corner as a bouncy castle, "Very clever."
"Eh, it's a gift," Pinky replied with a shrug, adjusting his earpiece in idle thought, "Narf."
"Narf, indeed."
Lesson 4, Part 4: The Flirt-Off
Brain rubbed his eyes and looked again. Nope, it was still there. "You can not be serious," he said flatly.
Pinkie merely grinned and pointed at the blocks of metal floating in the tub. "Of course I'm not serious," she said happily. Before Brain could wipe his brow in relief, though, she continued, "He is!" and pointed at Wakko, who had pulled an anvil out of the bathtub (wooden tubs were in short supply) by his teeth and was staggering under its weight towards the drop zone, the rickety platform they were all standing on swaying underneath him. The tower was built in a massive slinky-spring shape, causing the top to be just above the heads of the dancing crowd and pointing towards the floor, while having any object dropped loop around the entire length of the structure to land on one of the targets (read victims) standing next to its base.
After making his way to the edge with the black and yellow stripes, Wakko took careful aim with a telescope as contorted as the tower and let go. The anvil fell upwards, spinning in circles around the scaffolding before scoring a direct hit on a bulldog, driving him into the ground and out of sight.
"Aww, I was aiming for the mime," Wakko pouted, before pulling out an apple and taking a bite, "Your turn Pinkie. See if you can hit the pirate."
"Okie-Dokie-Lokie," she chirped, sticking her own head in the water and sending up a few bubbles. Brain looked around for an escape route, but none presented itself. He had no idea how Pinkie was able to make so many cardboard cutouts of herself to act as part police, and he wasn't completely certain he wanted to. Unless he could make an army of photographs of himself to take over the the world with. Now that's a thought...
His attention was pulled out of his navel a moment later by a spray of water from a triumphant Pinkie, holding the tip of an anvil in her mighty jaws. She calmly tap-danced to the edge of the platform and let fly, managing to nail the pirate that had been running around in circles screaming after he was picked for target practice.
"Nice shot," said Wakko approvingly as Pinkie beamed.
"Thanks!" she said happily, "Now you go, Brain."
Brain looked at her like she was the most oblivious creature he had ever met, and that was saying something. "You do realize I am incapable of lifting such massive objects, correct?"
"Of course," Pinkie said cheerfully, "That's why we have a mouse-sized tub!" Sure enough, a tiny tub full of tiny anvils was strapped to the edge of the bigger one.
Wakko walked over and examined it, then said, "Faboo. That's a nice feature."
Pinkie frowned. "I thought you made this game," she said.
Wakko shrugged. "Maybe I did," he replied, "I don't remember: we made a lot of stuff." He gestured out and up at the rest of the party, which by this point stretched beyond the event horizon.
Just stick to the plan, Brain thought to himself, and tough out the madness. In the end, it will all be worth it, even if I'd rather dip my ears in sulfuric acid than listen to this drivel or participate in these stupid games.
"Come on, Brainy-Brain-Brain," Pinkie cooed, "It's fun!"
With an aggrieved sigh, Brain hopped off the balcony and trudged towards the bucket. Taking a deep breath, or as deep a breath as a mouse could take, he stuck his head in and bit, somehow snagging the tip of an anvil on his first try. After carrying it over to the edge of the platform, he looked at his tiny anvil, then over the side through the targeting pipe, trying to figure out who he could drop this on for any sort of comedic effect. It was awfully puny, so maybe someone small to compensate?
"Bubbas, Bubbas!" Somehow Mindy's voice carried over the music, and Brain adjusted the scope enough to see Mindy the toddler of Mindy and Buttons chasing a bubble as big as she was right towards the landing zone. Perfect, Brain thought, and with a quick calculation to determine localized gravity, Mindy's speed, direction and acceleration, the anvil's weight, distance to fall, wind speed, and the maximum flight distance of an African Sparrow, let go. He even accommodated for the anvil growing to full size the moment it left his grasp, although he'd put it down as a highly unlikely variable.
Pinkie, however, was not quite so prepared. "Noooo," she shrieked in horror, "not the baby! Come on, we have to save her!"
She got within two inches of leaping over the side before Brain's upraised paw stopped her, "That won't be necessary, my dear. Buttons is-"
"AAAAWWWWOOOOOOOO!"
"Right on schedule," Brain concluded with a smirk. Sure enough, just as the anvil came within five feet of crushing poor Mindy's everything, Buttons the dog, her loyal companion and perpetual safety net, threw himself under the bus, or anvil, in this case, and shoved his charge a few feet forward, out of harm's way. She continued onward, cooing happily while Buttons got flattened like a rivet that had taken one too many hits from a hammer.
Staring down at the results of his actions, Brain had to admit he felt pretty good. Usually he was on the receiving end of any beatings that went down, so being able to dish it out for once was... liberating. He still thought bobbing for anvils was an idiotic pastime, though.
"There, I did it," he growled, trying to and not quite succeeding in hiding his amusement, "Can we go now?"
Pinkie turned green as Buttons got back up and took off after Mindy in painful pursuit, and managed a hasty nod before flying off in search of a convenient concave surface. Brain rolled his eyes, muttered, "Amateur," and started climbing down the ladder. Really, what kind of a cartoon goddess can't stomach a little violence? She even did it herself a few seconds ago!
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"Got any fives?" Pinkie asked, peering over the top of her cards at Dot.
"Ah, fiddlesticks," Dot grumbled, then pointed at the card on the far left of her hand, "You, go over there." The playing card saluted, and goose-stepped across the table, slipping neatly into Pinkie's formation. Pinkie smirked, laid the new card out with its matches, then tossed another bit on the pot and said, "Brain, got any 10s?"
Brain grinned slyly, standing on a raised platform in front of his own card formation, "Go fish," he said, causing Pinkie's ears to droop, and she drew a card from the stack and tossed another bit on the pile. He had to admit, Poker Fish was actually turning out to be pretty fun. Sure, having sentient playing cards was a bit weird, but he'd seen, heck, he'd done more bizarre things in his lifetime, so they only earned a raised eyebrow.
The rules of the game were fairly simple: Take the base of go fish and make it so every time you guessed a card, you had to put another unit of currency on the pile, be it bits, gambling tokens, coins, what-have-you as long as they were all of equal value. If you put down extra money one turn, from that point on all players have to match the new amount or drop out of the game. It can be played as winner-take-all, but that set of rules was reserved for games that aren't among friends or when everyone at the table sucked at math.
Since that wasn't the case here, once all the cards had been played, the money would be split into thirteen portions, and every set of four a player had got them one 13th of the pot. Brain didn't really have a use for money beyond purchasing stuff to take over the world with so he could be reasonably trusted not to cheat, although he had a feeling his opponents would be able to tell if he did.
"Got any sevens?"
"Go fish."
"Got any nines?"
Two cards walked across the table.
"Got any fours?"
"Go fish."
You know what, this isn't all that interesting. MOVING ON!
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"Hey, Yakko," Pinkie shouted, pulling up short next to the 3-D chessboard and allowing Brain to catch his breath, "How's the game going?"
Yakko looked at the board, which was covered in black pieces except for far top right corner, which held the white king, queen, and a pawn, "Eh, could be worse," he said with a shrug while Daffy Duck vented steam out of his non-existent ears, "I could actually be losing to this bird-brain."
"Oh, really," Daffy growled, "If I remember correctly, I'm black here, not you."
"Yes, yes you are," Yakko said with a glance at Daffy's feathers, "but I'm still beating you. Checkmate in 5."
"Hah! I'm calling your bluff!" He shoved a black rook a few squares to the right and shouted, "Check!"
"That's great, guys!" Pinkie said with a smile, "I call next game. Brain, you up for some strategy?"
Brain thought it over for all of two seconds. A chance to stay in range of the power source without arousing suspicion while playing a game that didn't make him want to rip his ears off? The choice was obvious.
"I call white," he said brightly, or at least as brightly as he felt like getting, which wasn't very much.
"Checkmate!" Yakko shouted while Daffy gaped.
"How!? HOOOOWWWW!!??" Daffy bellowed, "I had this one in the bag!"
"And I let it out," Yakko said smoothly, "This game always was a little catty."
Daffy glared at him, "That's an awful joke and you should feel awful for making it."
"Hmm. Nah," Yakko said, "Come on, let's go get some food." He stuck hand out to Daffy, who reluctantly shook it, and the they walked off, allowing Pinkie and Brain to take their place.
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"Checkmate," Brain said calmly as he breathed an internal sigh of relief. Who knew Pinkie was a budding chess master? If the game had lasted even two more turns she would have pinned his rook between her bishops and run her queen to the back row. He hadn't worked this hard to beat someone in months, and it felt him feeling... happy? Is this what happy felt like?
"Drat," Pinkie swore, "Best two out of three?"
Brain smiled. "Sounds good to me," he said, and started guiding the pieces back to their starting points
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"Yeah, shake it!" shouted the DJ over the roar of the crowd. Brain was dancing. He'd never danced before, much less on top of Pinkie Pie's back. After winning the their second and third matches of chess, Brain had finally succumbed to the party atmosphere and was boogeying with all his might as the pair went to meet up with their friends. The enthusiasm all around them only fed their own energy, a rare experience for any introvert, and Brain was no exception. The smile on his face could rival the moon, and he'd completely lost his stoicism somewhere between the chess, the food, and the pole-vault/dancing contest.
They eventually made their way out of the crowd and into the relative quiet the bubble corner. Stepping around a large, ellipse shaped tub of soap, Pinkie and Brain found Pinky and Discord practicing the fine art of bubble animals.
"Done!" said Pinky, tying the final knot in his latest creation, "I call it, 'Two Kittens, Playing at Sunset.'"
Staring in wonder at the near-photographic scene in front of him, Brain said, "Fantastically done, Pinky. I had no idea you were so talented."
Pinky beamed at the praise, then frowned as he hopped up on Pinkie's back to examine Brain up close, "Ok," he said, "Who are you and what have you done with Brain? He owes me five bubble wands!"
Brain just chuckled and handed the plastic tools over, "It's really me, Pinky," he said soothingly, "Let's just say I've had a change of heart."
Pinky cheered and swept him up in a bone-crushing hug, "Yay! I always knew you had it in you be nice. Now you'll be an even better ruler!"
"Ruler? Oh, right!" He pulled out the scanner and saw to his delight it had finished a few minutes ago, "With this device, I shall claim the power of chaos for myself, and then the world! NOTHING CAN STOP ME!!!!"
"Um, you do know we can hear you, right?" Brain squeaked, then glanced over his shoulder and into the very unamused face of Discord. A face that was surrounded by countless arms from countless monsters, more eyes than you shake a scalpel at, and an extremely nauseating ripple in space-time. His face became two, then a hundred, then a million, and then, as reality itself buckled under the strain, Discord leaned in so close they could feel his breath and whispered, "Boo."
Pinky and Brain jumped out of their skins, through the roof, and so high into the air they landed on the windshield of a passing plane, then fell for miles through the sky until they landed in a mattress factory a good 10 miles away from where they'd started.
"Pinky," Brain groaned as he pulled out his spare skin suit and put it on, "when we get back to the lab, remind to make a note that says, 'Never mess with any creature from beyond space and time.' After that, we must prepare for tomorrow night."
"Tomorrow night?" asked Pinky, "what are we going to do then?"
"The same thing we do every night, Pinky," Brain said with a smirk, "Try to take over the world. Oh, and have fun while we're at it. Failure or not, I don't regret anything that happened tonight. We should do it more often."
"Yay! Narf!"
And so the walked off into the darkness, arm in arm and ready to take on humanity.
They're Pinky, they're Pinky and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain!
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Meanwhile, back at the party, Pinkie and Discord were on the floor, clutching their sides in heavenly agony.
"Oh, the looks on their faces," Discord chortled, "Priceless!"
"Yeah! Hehe," Pinkie replied, "That's always the best part. That and the surprised shrieks."
"Too true," Discord wheezed, "I swear I thought they were going to explode!" That set them off again, and it wasn't until Dot found them five minutes later that they were able to pull themselves together. Still chuckling feebly and leaning on each other for support, they greeted Dot with half-hearted waves between their fits of laughter.
"Aww," Dot cooed, "you two are so cute! Are you dating?"
"What!?" They exclaimed simultaneously, "No! Ew!"
They froze, then shook the ice off their bodies and turned to glare at each other.
"So," Discord said coolly, "I'm not good enough for you?"
"Apparently I'm not good enough for you either," Pinkie replied in a similar tone.
"Well, then," Discord droned, "I guess I'll just have to prove you wrong."
"Likewise," Pinkie replied.
"Flirt-off?"
"Flirt. On." They sauntered off towards the center of the dance floor, walking easily on nothing at all since they didn't look down. The guests parted before them like environmentalists before a herd of deer, all eyes upon them as they set down evenly in the middle of the dance floor and squared off against one another. Somehow they'd both found cowboy hats along the way, and their spurs clicked against the tiled floor as they circled each other warily, waiting for their opponent to make the first move. A tumbleweed blew by, courtesy of one of the cowboys.
"Wow," said Wakko, "This won't end well."
"Yeah," Yakko quipped, "Like Miley Cyrus's career."
Ba-dum-tish!
Ba-dum-tish!
Pinkie and Wakko glared at each other across matching drum-sets, momentarily distracted from the proceedings.
"But it's so romantic," swooned Dot, gazing longingly at the couple as her brothers rolled their eyes.
"Girls," They said in unison, then went back to watching. Sappy or not, they wouldn't miss this for a get-out-of-water-tower-free card: or a dozen, or a hundred, etc.
Pinkie sent the opening volley this time, sucking on a lollipop as she sat at a cafeteria table table, making bedroom eyes at Discord and wiggling her rump suggestively. Discord, meanwhile, was showing off his magical skill: no less than 23 different objects orbited him in ever-changing patterns, each one making a random transformation as it moved. He was dressed in a muscle shirt that showed off every inch of a rack he'd hadn't possessed a few moments earlier, and he was giving Pinkie his most charming smile. She just smiled back and sucked harder, pulling the lollipop out of her mouth and running her tongue over it slowly. Carefully. Savoring every inch.
"Heh, just be glad she's not using a Popsicle," Wakko said, grinning slyly.
Yakko stared at him for a moment before he turned to one of the cameras, blowing it a kiss and waving, "Mwaah! Goodnight, everybody!"
Pinkie got off her stool and sauntered over to Discord, swaying her hip from side to side. She started circling him, rubbing up against him and purring as she did so, like a giant pink fluffy cat. Discord, meanwhile, had tossed out trying to impress her, and was instead scratching her behind the ears. She purred louder and rubbed harder, which made Discord smile triumphantly.
Slowly, carefully, he knelt, bringing his face level with hers as his eyelids drooped to half mast. The world dropped away as their gazes locked, and the room held its breath as their lips moved closer. three inches, two, one...
However, before the kiss could actually happen, George popped up on Discord's shoulder, hit him over the head with a picture frame, and dissappeared again. As Discord rubbed his head in pain and glanced down at the photo, his eyes widened in horror as he took in Celestia's visage and realized what he'd almost done.
"Ok, you win, you win!" He pleaded, "I surrender, you're attractive!"
"Right, thanks," Pinkie said sheepishly, "I guess I got a bit carried away."
"A bit?" Discord snapped, then sighed, "I'm sorry, Pinkie. I shouldn't have pushed. It's ok if you don't find me attractive, we're friends, and that's what counts, and I shouldn't have let my ego get in the way. Hug?"
He opened his arms and Pinkie stepped into them as the crowd d'awwwwed and cheered. Then, before they separated, Pinkie whispered in his ear, "It's ok, Discord, I wanted to know I was attractive too, even without ever acting on those feelings. Actually, I think we both do like each other that way now, but our friendship is more important. Besides," She handed him the picture, "you're taken."
Discord smiled and wiped a tear away. "Exactly," he said happily, "And I wouldn't have it any other way."
"That's so sweet," Dot sobbed as Yakko blew noisely into a handkerchief, "And odd. Have either of you ever seen something like this before?" They shook their heads as one, then went back to blubbering into their hankies.
Pinkie nodded to the DJ, who struck up a new beat , and she and Discord walked over to meet their co-hosts.
"So," she said after a few moments of silence, "Now what?"
"Party?" asked Wakko.
Pinkie grinned. "Party."
They partied.
Interlude, Part 1: Button's Birthday
Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter. Interlude, Part 2: The Second Date
Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter. Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter. Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter. Lesson5?: The Magical Spectrum
Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter. "Discord. Pinkie Pie. System. FIGHT!"
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Epilogue: An Expansion, an Explanation, and an End
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Bonus Chapter: Alternate Ending to "Step Right in and Start Again"
Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter. Side Story: "What's This Button Do?"
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