Bad Stories For Bad People

by harpseal2

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Random
Length: 16612

A collection of assorted short stories that are awful parodies of bad fanfics, or just awful ideas I had.

A collection of assorted short stories that are awful parodies of bad fanfics, or just awful ideas I had. Don't read this, unless you are really into irony, sarcasm, and satire.

There is no consistent update schedule, I will update as I please.

Pre-reading? Hah!

I made the cover photo myself. Yes, I'm a sensitive artist.

Warning: Contains Coarse Language, Sex, Blood and Gore, Violence, and just a lot of bad shit in general.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-05-26 01:41:37 UTC

Chapter 2: Escape from TERRORIST ISLAND™!

An alarm buzzed loudly.

Rainbow Dash reached over and slammed the alarm clock in frustration.

“Ugh… I have to get up.”

Rainbow Dash threw the sheets off from her thin body, and she stood up on her hind legs for a stretch.

She walked down the staircase to see her housemate, Pinkie Pie, eating breakfast, and reading holiday brochures. She noticed the mountain of sugar on the pink pony’s cereal.

“Oh Pinkie Pie, you’re so random!”

Rainbow pulled up a seat at the table.

“You got any cereal?”

“Yeah!” she said as she shoved the box towards Rainbow.

Rainbow poured herself some, and started eating.

“Whatcha readin’?”

“Oh, just some holiday stuff! I wanna go for an adventure!”

“Meh, we don’t need a holiday for an adventure.”

“HEY!” Pinkie said, “Check this place out! It’s called TERRORIST ISLAND™!”

“TERRORIST ISLAND™? That’s a lame, yet exciting name!”

“We should go!”

“Okay then, let’s get packing!”

And with that, the two headed upstairs and started packing their bags.

“This is going to be so, awesome,” the pony with rainbow hair said, squeezing her face like in that one episode. You know the one, right?

“Our dialogue is so heavy handed and shitty!” Pinkie said, totally breaking the fourth wall. Oh how random she is.

“That’s because the writer is fucking terrible!” Rainbow Dash sa- hey, shut the fuck up you Rainbow-haired bitch!

Several hours later, they were at the docks, waiting for a boat to pick them up.

“I can’t wait to go to this TERRORIST ISLAND™!” Pinkie said as she bounced excitedly.

“Yeah! It sounds so rad!”

“Tickets please!” the tour guide announced.

Rainbow fumbled through the saddlebags, and handed him the tickets.

“Thank you ma’am!” he said, stepping into the boat. “Y’all can come in too, now.”

Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie stepped inside the boat, and they powered towards their destination, TERRORIST ISLAND™.

After several hours of travel, they saw land approaching.

“Can you see that island there, Pinkie?”

“Yes I can Rainbow Dash, yes I can.”

“Is that TERRORIST ISLAND™?”

“Sausage, Apple Pie, and a banana,” the pink pony said.

“Oh Pinkie Pie, you are so random.”

Suddenly, they noticed a huge explosion from TERRORIST ISLAND™. They gasped.

“Don’t mind them,” the tour guide said casually, “they’re just suicide bombers.”

They relaxed.

“This is as far as I can take ya,” he said, dropped the two off at a pier.

“Thanks, Mr. Tour Guide!” they said, waving as he left.

“Wow! This place is awesome!” the pink pony said.

“Ehh, it needs to be about 20% cooler,” Rainbow said.

Suddenly, a man with a bomb strapped to his chest ran towards them!

“Oh my God Pinkie!” the rainbow-haired pony yelled in shock.

“Not to worry, Dashie!” Pinkie said.

And with that, peculiarly, Pinkie pulled two pistols from the pink pelt perched upon her pate. She threw one to Rainbow Dash.

“You won’t stop us today, terrorist scum!” Rainbow said, shooting the terrorist in the head.

“C’mon Dash, we gotta go!” the strange pink horse said, pulling the athletic, rainbow haired horse along.

“Holy horseapples, Pinkie! They’re just blowing themselves up!”

The two started running. Suddenly, they found themselves cornered by suicide bombers.

“Allahu akbar!” they said.

“I am not going to die today,” Rainbow Dash said.

Then, they started firing their pistols at the terrorists and they died.

“Yes! We killed them!” Rainbow Dash said.

“We can not celebrate now, when there is more terrorists to be killed.”

The two of them rushed off, and found themselves facing more terrorists.

“Oh my God.”

They started shooting, when suddenly, one got too close.

The explosion blew Pinkie’s leg off.

“Oh no, Pinkie,” Rainbow Dash said.

“Rainbow, my friend, you must go on without me,” the pink horse said.

“But how?”

“Carry on, my Rainbow Dash son…” Pinkie said, before dying.

“Nooooooooooooooooo,” Rainbow Dash said.

She started running from the terrorists.

She noticed a rowboat.

She.

Jumped.

Into.

The.

Rowboat.

She started rowing as fast as she could. She looked down and noticed her stomach was bleeding.

“Oh no,” she said, “TERRORIST ISLAND™ has taken another life, but this time it is mine.”

And then...  she sailed into the white light.

And then she woke up, because it was all a dream.

And she woke up again, finding out she dreamt it was all a dream, and it really happened.

“I’m going to dieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”

The reason why there are so many e’s is because she died while typing. That’s the joke.

Chapter 3: Twilight Sparkle and the feature-bait fuckfest

Twilight Sparkle was fingering her fucking snatch.

“Jesus fucking Christ I want to fuck some-fucking-one,” the horny fucking bitch said, the absolute madman.

So she picked up her fucking phone, and called fucking Shining Armor and shit.

“Hey yo, my fucking brother!” she yelled annoyingly.

“Hey Twilight, my fucking really attractive sister that I want to fuck!”

“You wanna fuck?”

“Yeah, of-fucking-course!”

“Fucking come over then, cunt!”

Twilight sat there with her entire fucking fist in her fucking cunny. Holy fucking shit. She’s got her fucking hand in her fucking womb. She’s practically giving birth to her fucking hand. That’s fucking amazing.

Suddenly, she heard a knock on the door. She knew who it was, so she didn’t bother putting her clothes back on. Jesus fuck, how erotic is that?

She opened the fucking door. There he fucking was. Huge fucking dick, just fucking hanging there.

“Fuck me Shining, you are one hot motherfucker!” she said, barely containing the wetness from her naked mound[1].

“Thank you Twilight! I fucking know it.”

“Now, my totally fucking sexy fucking brother, let’s go up stairs and fuck my fucking brains out.”

“Fuck!” he said, in fucking happiniess.

He was walking up the fucking stairs, and then he reminded Twilight of fucking something.

“My desires are… fucking unconventional.”

“So fucking show me,” Twilight said.

So they went into her bedroom. That’s fucking right, they did. Do you understand that? Do you?!

“Ok bitch, what the fuck do we do here?”

“You put your slimey dick into my gaping asshole, fuckhead.”

“My dick ain’t slimey yet, ya fucking cunt!”

“Fucking get it slimey then!”

“Why don’t you fucking lick it or some shit!”

“O-fucking-k then!”

Twilight put her lips around Shining’s huge, throbbing member. His cock was at least 12 inches [2]. She sucked him, massaging his huge dick with her soft tongue. She could feel his penis throb on her tongue. Obligatory FUCK.

“Fuck me, cunt, I’m about to fucking blow!”

He cummed down Twilight’s throat. She swallowed like a good little fucking girl.

“Ok, let’s fucking fuck.”

Shining pounded his hard fucking dick right into Twilight’s cunt[3]. He humped her like a dog in fucking heat.

“Oh Shining, fuck me silly.”

He pounded her tight little hole. Fuck I forgot to write fuck.

“I’m gonna fucking cum!”

“Please Shiny!”

He moaned as he burst his seed right into Twilight’s womb[4]. She moaned as she came at the same time. She looked at Shining, who fucking fell asleep next to her.

Twilight rubbed her full belly. She knew a little Shining Armor was growing inside her[5]. She couldn’t wait. She smiled and went to sleep.

Oh shit, forgot to write fuck.

Footnotes;

[1] Female arousal does not drip down legs, however this was purposely ignored for the purpose of your entertainment.

[2] If Shining Armor’s penis really was 12 inches, he’d be unable to sustain an erection without passing out. However, this has been fabricated once again, for your entertainment.

[3] Shining Armor could not have possibly recovered that fast, for him to have a full erection once more in such a short time span.

[4] There is no physical way that a man could cum inside a woman’s womb.

[5] If this were to really happen, their baby would most likely be horribly deformed and severely disabled.

Chapter 4: Rad Stories For Rad People

Sunlight poured in through the windows of the exotic mansion. Rainbow Dash grunted as she stepped out of her bed. She stretched, and she yawned. She sighed.

“Dangit, today just isn’t awesome enough. I better fix that!”

She threw her window open, and soared out. It was midday by now, and the golden orb was at it’s highest point. All of Ponyville gazed upon her rainbow glory, and she sped across the deep blue sky. She performed a loop. She heard the crowd cheering at her amazing tricks.

“Just wakin’ up!” she yelled, hoping her eager fans could hear her.

She started flying faster, leaving a rainbow trail behind her. She spun around several times, creating a beautiful rainbow ribbon in the air. The crowd cheered louder. She smirked.

She sped up, she went faster and faster.

“Time to do some really awesome stuff!”

Suddenly, the sound barrier broke, and a huge rainbow exploded from her position. All of Ponyville watched in awe, before breaking out into cheers. They were so loud, Rainbow could still hear them.

“Alright!” she screamed.

She sped off towards her cheering fans, hoping to meet them. She landed gently, in front of one very eager fan.

“Rainbow Dash, Rainbow Dash! That trick was sooo awesome!”

Rainbow Dash noticed that it was Scootaloo. She smiled and hugged her little fan.

“Hey squirt, what’s happening?” Rainbow asked inquisitively.

“Oh, y’know, nothing especially awesome…” Scootaloo said, with a sigh.

“Damn, that sucks to hear! Tell ya what, how’s about we go get some ice-cream?”

“Oh wow! That’s awesome! Thanks Rainbow!”

Together, they set off for Sugercube Corner.

“So, Scoots, how’s your flying?”

“...not so good…” Scootaloo replied, shying away.

“Hey, c’mon Scoots. It’s okay. You don’t need to be an awesome flier to be an awesome pony.”

Scootaloo sniffled and smiled.

“Alright, Scooty, we’re here!”

The cool air from the shop burst into their faces. Rainbow shivered slightly, before walking in. They took a seat, and suddenly, a pink ball of fuzz burst into their faces.

“HeyadashiewhatcanIgetya!?” Pinkie Pie exploded.

“Umm, I think I’ll just have a vanilla scoop, and my little buddy over there will have…”

“Caramel!” Scootaloo piped up.

“You heard the lady,” Rainbow Dash winked.

“Okey dokey, girls! It’s comin’ riiiiight up!”

Pinkie bounced off, leaving the two of them alone.

“So… I didn’t know you liked caramel,” Dash said, making small talk with her friend.

“Yeah, I only tried it a few days ago, but it was really good!” she replied with a smile.

“Heh… yeah, I guess it is pretty good.”

“Then why’d you go with vanilla?”

“Less fattening,” Dash said with a wink.

Scootaloo giggled. Suddenly, Pinkie appeared from nowhere with two little bowls.

“Here’s the vanillaaa scoop, and here’s the caramel scoop, for the little lady!”

“Thanks, Pinkie!” Scootaloo said.

“Yeah, thanks Pinkie,” Dash said, already taking a scoop from the ice-cream.

“Alrighty! Don’t forget to come up and pay!”

Pinkie Pie bounced off once more.

The two sat there, enjoying their ice-cream. Soon, it was all gone, and Rainbow went up to pay Pinkie. The two left the shop, grinning and waving to Pinkie on their way out.

“Thanks, Rainbow.”

“You’re welcome, Scoots,” Dash said, rubbing her little friend on the head.

“You’re so…”

“So what?” Dash asked inquisitively.

“...rad.”

Chapter 5: Applejack and The Bad, Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Story

It was a very sunny day in Ponyville, and all the critters were awake. They were having a very good day.

A grumpy orange pony walked into the barn. It’s Applejack! Everyone say hello to Applejack!

[Hello Applejack!]

Applejack is having a bad day. [Awww]

She woke up, and fell out of bed! [Hahaha!]

Applejack heard a squish under her foot. Oh no, she stepped in doo-dee! [Hahaha!]

Applejack said, “Goshdarnit! Why does today have ta be so bad?”

It was a very bad day for Applejack.

She walked over to feed her cows.

Daisy, the cow, said, “Give me more food, or we’ll stampede!”

Applejack said, “B-but I ain’t got enuff! I can’t just give ya more!”

Daisy said, “Oh yes you can!”

Suddenly, the cows formed a herd, and stampeded over Applejack. She lay on the ground, as flat as a pancake.

Applejack said, “This is a terrible day.”

And she was right. [Hahaha!]

After inflating herself again, she trotted over to feed Winona, her best friend. She opened a can of food, and poured it into the little dog’s bowl. Winona was not happy with her rations, oh she was not.

She lunged at Applejack and bit her!

Applejack said, “Git offa me ya filthy varmint!”

Applejack grabbed a broom, and slammed it onto Winona’s skull! Winona fell off of her, hitting the ground. She poked the dog with the broom.

Oh no! Winona was dead!

Applejack said, “Oh no! Winona!”

And she started crying. Poor Applejack, what a bad, terrible day! [Hahaha!]

Later, Applejack started bucking trees. She was very good at bucking trees. Maybe this would go right!

She slammed her legs into a tree trunk, and then the tree fell right over.

She heard a “yelp!” from the other side.

She hurried around, worried!

A red tail, and a tiny, golden hoof stuck out from underneath the tree. A pool of crimson flowed from the hoof.

Oh no! Applejack just killed her little sister!

She started crying again. What a bad, terrible, horrible, day! [Hahaha!]

Suddenly, she felt a powerful hoof reach out and touch her shoulder.

It was her big brother, Big Mac! Say hello to Big Mac! [Hi Big Mac!]

Big Mac said, “Heya bitch, I ain’t got all day!”

Applejack sniffled and said, “Whatdyamean?”

Big Mac said, “Y’all know what day it is.”

Applejack said, “Oh no…”

It was Wincest Wednesday! [Hahaha!]

Big Mac said, “That’s right, now lemme fuck yer lil’ cunt, bitch” [Hahaha!]

Applejack said, “Please, Mac, just lemme go!”

Big Mac grabbed her, and she struggled. Soon, she just gave up.

Big Mac said, “Shut up, ya fuckin’ whore! Y’all know the fuckin’ deal!”

He mounted Applejack, and he started pounding her tight little vagina. It hurt poor Applejack, who starting crying like a big baby. [Hahaha!] How pathetic! [Hahaha!]

He coated her insides with a huge load.

Applejack cried. What a bad, terrible, horrible, no-good day! [Hahaha!]

Later, Applejack went inside her house. She called out for her Granny, to no response. She walked past the living room, Granny Smith’s usual hiding spot, and looked inside.

Oh no! It appears Granny Smith had a cardiac arrest and died! [Hahaha!]

Applejack started crying more. What a bad, terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day! [Hahaha!]

Applejack ran upstairs, and buried her face into a pillow, and fell asleep.

A week later, Applejack went to the local store, and bought a pregnancy test! She went home, and went to the toilet.

She peed on the little device, and shook it.

Uh oh! There’s a little plus! [Hahaha!]

Oh dear! Now she was going to have to decide whether she should foal her brother’s child, or whether she should abort the little shit! [Hahaha!]

What a bad, terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad nine months! [Hahaha!]

The end.

Chapter 7: Rainbow Dash goes to Australia

Rainbow Dash sighed. It sucked being stuck in a forced vacation. Her boss said she had worked far too long, and she needed to have several weeks off to make up for the time. She had so many unused sick days and vacation weeks.

She looked out into the horizon. She wanted to explore the world. She wanted some adventure, some excitement, something. Anything but boredom.

“Uhh, I need to go on a holiday.”

Suddenly, her face lit up. A holiday! Just what she needed. She flew out the front door of her house, and made a beeline for Twilight’s.

She smashed through the window, earning an annoyed grunt from her friend.

“Dash! Why can’t you use the door, like anypony else?” Twilight grumbled.

“No time for that, Twi! I gotta go on holiday!” Dash excitedly said.

“What?! Why?!”

“Beee, cause, I’m bored!”

“Rainbow Dash!”

“C’mon Twi, suggest anywhere! I gotta get away from this place!” Dash said, in an over dramatic manner.

“Umm,” she hummed, as she spun her globe around.

She pressed her hoof down and yelled, “Here!”

She removed her hoof and read the name of the island getaway.

“...Australia?”

“Wow! That’s an exotic name!”

“Rainbow, I’ve heard that this is a very dangerous place, with a very large count of extremely venomous snakes, and very large spiders. Including the Huntsmen, which is a harmless, but terrifying spider, and the Sydney Funnel-Web, which is extremely dangerou…”

“Yeah, yeah, egghead! I don’t need a lecture. I’m too awesome to get bitten! I’ll be fine!”

“Okay then, well, if the animals and the dangers don’t bother you, then I wish you a happy holiday!”

“All right! Thanks, Twi! Can you tell everypony I’m on holiday? I’m gonna miss my flight!”

And with that, she took to the skies.

After eighteen hours of travel, Rainbow Dash set hoof on the hard, bitumen road. She wandered towards the large, glass building. There were two large words painted on the side. She squinted, as the bright sun reflecting on the glass almost blinded her.

“Hmm, what does that say…” she mumbled to herself, trying to pronounce the words.

“Mel-born Airport! Awesome, I’m here!”

“Oi, ya fuckin’ pony cunt!” a gruff voice called.

She looked over and saw the source of the voice. A rather large human, in a bright, fluorescent yellow shirt, stared back at her. He took a large sip from a can marked “VB”, and took a long puff of his cigarette.

“It’s fucking pronounced ‘Mel-bin’, ya dim cunt!”

“Sorry, sir! What is your name?” she asked, timidly.

“Ha! Fuck off, ya shitcunt.”

“Fine, geez! Don’t be helpful.”

Rainbow flew away from him. What a mean guy! He really needs an attitude adjustment, she thought.

She was sweating.

“Dear Celestia, it’s hot here!”

She decided to touch down in a backyard. She looked around. Suddenly, a little red ball struck her right between the eyes.

Her vision was blurred. She saw a small child, running towards her. He picked up the ball. Suddenly, to Rainbow Dash’s annoyance, he started yelling to his friend.

“Oi Sammy, ya cunt! That’s a fuckin’ six, for sure!”

She heard the friend’s reply.

“Fuck me cunt, did I hit the fuckin’ bird thing?”

“Yeah cunt, looks like ya fuckin’ killed it.”

“Shit, cunt. She’ll be right.”

Rainbow rose to her hooves, to the surprise of the children.

“Hey, is there... anywhere I can get an ice pack?” she winced.

“Oh fuck, that fuckin’ thing is alive!”

“Shit, cunt! Fuckin’ get your bat, we gotta fuckin kill it!”

“No! Please, don’t hurt me!”

“Nah, not you, ya fuckwit. There’s a fucking huntsman on your fuckin’ wing!”

She looked at her wing, and noticed a FUCKING HUGE FUCKING SPIDER ON HER FUCKING WING HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

She started flapping her wing.

“Oh Celestia gettit off me!” she panicked.

Suddenly, a hard, wooden bat slammed onto her wing. She screamed in pain.

“Fuck me, you dim cunt. You missed the fuckin’ spider!”

Rainbow Dash was writhing in pain, when suddenly, another sharp pain bolted through her wing. She squealed, and started crying.

“There, Sam, you fuckin’ shithead. I fuckin’ killed it!”

“Shit, cunt, the fuckin’ horsie is havin’ a whinge!”

Suddenly, a large man ran outside, and noticed the animal writhing in pain.

“Jesus fucking Christ, you little cunts! What the fuck did you do this time?”

Rainbow Dash passed out.

She awoke on a leather couch. She looked at the man, rubbing a metal can on her head.

“Hey there, little-”

He looked down at her privates.

“...girl, everything’s gonna be fuckin’ fine,” he said, soothingly.

“W-where am I?” she asked, her head full of questions.

“Oh shit! You can fuckin’ talk?”

“Y-yeah…”

“Sorry ‘bout this shit. My fuckin’ boys were playin’ some backyard cricket an…”

He turned to look at the TV.

“Oh my fucking God! You’ve got to be fucking kidding me! A fuckin’ wicket? That’s fucking bullshit! Kick that curry munching cunt off the fucking field!”

Rainbow was visibly terrified.

“Oh, fuck, sorry. It’s just a fuckin’ cricket game. Cricket’s our national sport. I can’t fuckin believe we’ve got seven fuckin’ wickets on us, and we’ve only got 115 runs!”

He cleared his throat, “Anyway, you were fuckin’ hit by a stray ball. One of my boys scored a fuckin’ amazing six. Fuckin’ sorry about that.”

“...okay…” Rainbow Dash replied, extremely confused.

“Oh, shit, you wonder why I’m usin’ a fuckin’ beer can? Yeah, we don’t have a pack of peas in the fuckin’ freezer, so I had to use this instead. Sorry.”

He popped the lid open and guzzled the beer.

“Fuck me, I love a good VB.”

“What’s a ‘VB’?” Dash asked.

“Victorian-fuckin’-Bitter.”

“Wouldn’t that be ‘VFB’?”

“Fuck up, ya little smart alec. I’ll fucking bash you.”

He lit up a cigarette and had a long drag.

“You wanna fuckin’ durry?”

“What’s a ‘durry’?”

“Fuckin’ cigarette. Cunt, you are totally fuckin’ cooked! How do you not fuckin’ know this?”

Rainbow Dash sighed.

“I came here for a holiday, and so far I’ve been abused by everyone here! No wonder Twilight said it was dangerous!”

“Mate, who the fuck is ‘Twilight’? Isn’t that the fucking movie about vampires or some shit?”

“Screw this!”

Rainbow Dash stretched her wings and flew through the open door. She couldn’t take it anymore. She just wanted to go on a holiday. She kept flying as far as she could.

After several hours, she looked down, and there was nothing but sand beneath her. She touched down, but quickly pulled back. The sand was insanely hot, and it burnt Rainbow’s sensitive hooves. The sun was beating down upon her.

Her sweat rolled down her face, and left her cheek. She swore it sizzled when it hit the ground.

“I hate this place! It’s just all desert and it’s full of jerks! I wanna go home!” she yelled at the top of her lungs.

Suddenly, she saw a white Holden Statesman coming towards her. She panicked.

The car stopped in front of her. Several suited men jumped out from the car, all armed. Then, an ape in a suit stepped out of the car.

“What’s a monkey doing out here?” Dash said, giggling at the absurd sight.

The ape turned around, and looked at the small Aboriginal tribe behind him.

“Fuck off ya cunts!” the ape yelled.

“Al-fuckin’-right, lemme just finish my metho and milk,” an Aboriginal replied.

“Fuck it, this cunt is cooked!” the other one said, packing up their didgeridoo.

The ape looked Rainbow Dash in the eyes.

“Did you fuckin’ call me an ape? Do you not fuckin’ know who I am?”

“...no…”

“I’m fucking Tony Abbott! I’m the fuckin’ Prime Minister of Australia! I’m very, fuckin’, important!”

“Sorry sir,” she apologised.

“Anyway, I’ve taken a firm fucking stance against illegal immigrants. You’re fuckin’ out, Pony.”

And with that, one of Tony’s guards kicked her in the flank so hard, she flew right back to Equestria.

“Nice fuckin’ kick, Jonno.”

“Yeah mate, not my fuckin’ best, though.” Johnathan Thurston replied.

Rainbow Dash crashed through the window of Twilight’s Library. Twilight ran downstairs and yelled at her again.

“Rainbow! What did I tell you about the front do-”

A very red pony with rainbow hair arose from the pile of books. She was holding a VB in one hoof, and a durry in her mouth.

“Cunt, shut the fuck up.”

And that, she did.

Chapter 8: Daryl Dixon visits Ponyville

The sun shone brightly, all over the beautiful village of Ponyville.

Daryl Dixon pulled the bow on his crossbow back. God damn, he’s one sexy fucking beast. Ugh, look at that sexy long hair. I finger myself to him. I’m 15.

He placed the arrow in the crossbow, and aimed his sights at a little rabbit. He shot the little rabbit, and dashed over to pick it up. Damn, wasn’t that action sequence fucking awesome? God damn, Daryl is the best character.

“Damn, sonavahbitch smells like ass,” he said.

Jesus Christ. Look, I gotta stop the story. Daryl, jesus, my god, DARYL FRICKEN DIXON. How AWESOME is he? God damn, he’s just SO awesome.

He picked up the rabbit’s corpse, and pulled his knife out. He cut it open, like a fucking badass, and gutted it. He looked for some wood, and spotted a yellow pony with pink hair, almost in tears.

“Whatta y’all lookin’ at, bitch?”

She started sobbing profusely. Little crybaby.

“Y-y-y-you killed my little Angel!” she choked, during sobs. “Y-y-you m-m-m-monster!”

“Ay, do I look like I give a shit about y’all dumbass lil’ rabbit? I don’t!”

She started crying even more. She looked up, and suddenly her blue eyes were pierced with a crossbow arrow. She fell to the ground, stone cold dead. Motherfucker, this Daryl guy, he’s just amazing. All my girlfriends agree. I’m 15, I’m a girl, and I have severe autism.

Daryl said some badass one liner, before pulling the arrow out of the horse’s head. Jesus, look at his sexy motherfucking arms. Holy shit, he is just the best. Fuck Rick, fuck Glenn, DARYL is the best.

Daryl kept wandering through the forest, before spotting another pony. This one was orange, with light blonde hair.

“Hey y’all, c’mere lil’ horsie,” he said, calling the horse.

“Who said that?” replied a voice with a thick accent.

Look, now I don’t read the Walking Dead comics, because fucking nerds do, but I just want to say that DARYL is the best, and the comics suck because DARYL isn’t in them! What a terrible idea, not having Daryl in them. I mean, are they even based off the show? Jesus Christ, people.

“I’m Daryl Dixon, ya dumbass!”

“Come again?”

Then the arrow went through the orange horses’ head. Fucking hell, man, that’s awesome. Seriously, how awesome is Daryl? I’m surrounded by Daryl plushes right now. One has it’s hand in my vagina. I have a Daryl dakimakura on my bed. It’s stained by my ejaculate. It’s never been washed, it smells like feminine beauty. I hope Normy smells like this IRL.

He walked over to the horse and pulled the arrow out of it’s skull. He laughed. Sexily. He’s so fucking sexy as fucking shit. Fuck me. Norman Reedus please marry me.

I wrote a song for Daryl. It’s called “Norman please marry me”.

Daryl is so hot

I wanna fuck him

I want him to rape my cunt

And to set fire to my pussy

Norman please marry me x4

Daryl please shit in my mouth

Use me as a toilet

Tentacle Rape me

And then we can kill my parents

Norman please marry me x4

(hard rock solo)

Norman please marry me x8

Daryl is so much fucking cooler than Merle. Merle’s a meanie. God, Daryl is so hot.

DARYL FUCK ME PLEASE! YES BABY YES!

The End, sorry, I need to fucking masturbate to Daryl.

Chapter 10: Twilight’s house has a bunch of semen in it and stuff I guess

One day, Twilight awoke. She got out of bed.

“Oh dear, it appears I’ve stepped in semen.”

Spike’s corpse floated past.

“Wow, that’s a lot of semen.”

Yeah, there is a lot of semen.

Plot twist; It’s human semen. It’s from you. You are the only human in Equestria. You jacked off everywhere you fucking piece of shit, fucking clean up next time.

Please feature my story, I put a lot of effort into it.

ch@pt3r 11: num bi lankan pirk sogn-fic

pynky py was doin a cry bcuz her boifrined broek up wif her and shi cried nd shit. shi wantd to kill herslef nd stuff. shi hung a rope, but relezed rope was not dere. den she ws in th walmart loking 4 rope 2 hng herslef nd sow metora by lenkon purk.

"this cd is a metaphor for my life" shi said, "fake, digitally generated, and already broken" she contined, noticng a hueg fucken crak in de cd case.

shi wnet 2 da conter and buyd it nd thn whent home.

shi put da cd in the plyer nd 4 som wird fukken reasonshi whent to the trck cald "num"

shi slit hr rists as de sexy mn (alsp nown s chester frum legsof pork) yelld

"IVEEEE BECOMMME SOOO NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUM"

den shi put hr fuckin hed thru de rop n died

end of story

Chapter 12: My Disco

Hospitals are dark places. Full of diseases, sickness, and death. I hate hospitals. I used to have to go to them all the time. I was flying at an early age, and I would always bump into things. Hard enough to break legs. I cracked my skull right fucking open once when I smacked into a tree. Luckily, Dad was around, and he rushed me right to hospital. Thanks to him, I was okay. It hurt a lot.

None of that matters, now. I was in the Ponyville Hospital, for what should have been a joyous moment. I was expecting a newborn foal. Soarin rushed me to the hospital as fast as his (and my) wings would carry him. Three long, painful hours later, I gave birth to the foal. They didn't tell me the gender, they were busy inspecting it.

"Ma'am," the Nurse started, "We believe your foal... may have some disabilities."

I started panicking. What if the foal was disabled? I couldn't look after a disabled foal. I would need a second job to get by. The Wonderbolts are, somehow, going out of fashion. No-pony goes to see them anymore, strangely. When I was a filly, I would save up ALL my pocket money to see them when they came to Cloudsdale. My Dad would get pissed, because I spent ALL of my pocket money to see them.

I'm getting off topic.

The nurse came in, and they delivered the "wonderful" news;

"Ma'am, it's a filly..." she started.

I was relieved.

"Unfortunately, she is... has major.. disabilities..."

My heart stopped.

Fuck.

I cried. The nurse came to comfort me, but she couldn't do shit. Fuck, man, my foal was completely retarded! I'd need to get 4 fucking jobs to look after the little shit!

I couldn't think properly. I was in deep trouble.

What would Soarin think?

The nurse walked out into the hallway to tell Soarin the news, and he broke down too. We were lucky I even got pregnant. He had such a low sperm count, he was almost sterile.

Almost.

When I found out I was pregnant, I was over the moon! We were gonna have foals! I was so happy.

Everything looked fine on the ultrasound, and every doctor we went to said it would be a healthy baby. How fucking wrong were they!?

Soarin rushed into my room and the nurses and the doctors left us alone. We had to talk about this.

"How are we gonna survive?" Soarin asked.

"I'll need to get a second, maybe even third job!" I panicked.

"Shit, what are we gonna doo!"

"Maybe, we should say it's somepony else's!"

"It's got rainbow hair like you, Dash!"

He's got a point there.

"We should forget to take it home!"

"How could we use that excuse?!"

"Maybe we should leave it in a dumpster!"

Soarin was shocked, but he realised the situation. We had to fix the problem.

"That's too risky! Somepony will hear it crying!" Soarin reasoned.

I thought hard. We had to take drastic measures.

"Pillow over it's face?"

"They'll think we did it!"

"Frame it on that couple!" I pointed to another couple who walked past our door.

"It's too fucking obvious, Dash!"

"Well, what do you think we do!?" I yelled at him.

"I don't know, sneak into the nursery, take out the deformed little shit and bash it's fucking head in!"

I stared at him. We were desperate. We didn't have criminal records. We were clean. They would think it would be somepony else for sure. We'd have to move away from Ponyville. Far away. Change our names. He'd quit the Wonderbolts. I'd dye my hair.

To be honest, I'm getting pretty sick of this town anyway.

"I'll do it."

"WHAT?!"

"Soarin, they won't think it's us! We're clean! Spotless criminal records! You're in the Wonderbolts! You wouldn't fuck up your rep, by doing something as shocking as that!"

"Are you fucking crazy!?"

He was freaked. He thought I was insane.

"Listen, Soarin, we move out of Ponyvillle. Far away from this place. We change names. I'll dye my hair. I'll grow my hair out. They wouldn't even recognize us if they saw us," I reasoned.

"This is crazy, Dashie," Soarin was calming down.

"It'll work, trust me."

Soarin thought about it for a minute. He finally responded.

"You're the one doing it, okay?"

It was dead silent in the hospital. All the foals in the nursery were asleep. Most of the staff had gone home, and the lights were off.

Perfect.

Soarin was currently flying to Cloudsdale to hand in his resignation. After that, he'd buy our train tickets. We would meet outside the hospital and race to the station. He'd already submitted our new names to the board.

It was going to work.

I had stolen the keys off a hospital worker. Luckily, he worked in the maternity ward, so he had access to the nursery. The lights were on in there, but no-pony was on this level. No-pony would see this, except for me.

I unlocked the door, and I quietly stepped in. I slowly walked over to my foal's cot. I looked into the bed.

How the fuck did that thing come out of my cunt?

This thing was fucking deformed. It looked worse than a cubist self-portrait.

It was lucky I was gonna put it out of it's misery.

I picked it up. I held the little piece of shit in my hooves. I was so disgusted. How could this thing have POSSIBLY come out of me? I was actually about to vomit just looking at this thing. Time to get this over and done with.

I threw it at a wall. I heard a sickening crack. I think I broke all it's bones. Not good enough.

I walked over to it, and it was STILL FUCKING BREATHING!

Not when I'm done with it.

I started pounding my forehooves on it's head. It burst like a rotten egg, after a few hits. It was so satisfying. I kept beating it until it was nothing more than small fragments of brain and blood. I worked up a steady rhythm, hitting the piece of shit so many times.

It was like a dance.

It was like a disco.

It was like MY disco.

Chapter 13: Cards against Autism

It was a dark Saturday night, and most of Ponyville was dead. Except for one bright light, shining from Sugercube Corner.

“Alright girls! Are you ready?!” Pinkie yelled excitedly.

Her friends were gathered around the plain black and white box. To Pinkie Pie, however, this was more than just a little box, this was the essence of her Saturday nights. And mine too.

This is Cards Against Humanity.

Every Saturday night, Pinkie invited her best friends around to play the game. She always had a marvelous time, just like I do. Geddit, this fic is based off a real match I had. Like and follow for more content.

Pinkie unpacked the box and started dealing cards. There were several giggles shared as her friends looked at their cards. But she wouldn’t giggle. Oh no, she wouldn’t. She had a poker face. She wouldn’t give away her secrets.

“Alright, who’ll be the czar first?” Rainbow Dash asked, anxious to start this fucking awesome game.

“I WILL BEEE!” Pinkie yelled. I love being the card czar. It’s my favourite part.

“Okay then... darling, you must calm down,” Rarity said, the fun-hating bitch she was.

“NO!” she yelled back excitedly, as she should. God, I fucking LOVE Cards against Humanity!

With that, she pulled the first black card out, and asked the question.

“I have BLANK in my BLANK!” Oh god, this is gonna be a funny fucking round.

All of Pinkie’s friends threw their cards in. Pinkie was quaking with excitement. She loved seeing what funny combinations her friends came up with.

Rarity finally played her cards, and Pinkie excitedly swooped up the first pair.

“I have The Jews in my Oven,” Pinkie giggled, then burst out laughing. Jesus, how fucking funny is that? The Jews in my Oven! Holocaust jokes! Hilarious! Comedy Gold! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahah!

Sorry, I was just laughing at that funny joke.

Next pair.

“I have a penis in my toaster,” Pinkie giggled, then burst out laughing. Jesus, how fucking funny is that? A penis in a toaster! Crude sexual humour! Hilarious! Comedy Gold! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahah!

Sorry, I was just laughing at that funny joke.

Next pair.

“I have Jet Fuel in my Steel Beams,” Pinkie giggled, then burst out laughing. Jesus, how fucking funny is that? Jet Fuel Can’t Melt Steel Beams! That shitty joke isn’t dead! Hilarious! Comedy Gold! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahah!

Sorry, I was just laughing at that funny joke.

Next pair.

“I have Doritos in my Mountain Dew,” Pinkie giggled, then burst out laughing. Jesus, how fucking funny is that? Montage parodies aren’t total fucking cancer! Hilarious! Comedy Gold! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahah!

Sorry, I was just laughing at that funny joke.

Finally, Rarity had had enough.

“You know what Pinkie? I refuse to play this stupid game any more!” she said, the fun-hating cunt.

“Aww but why?”

“You want to know why?! Because every fucking time we play this miserable excuse for a fucking party game, we get the exact same unfunny fucking jokes! Oh, Jews! Oh, montage parodies! Oh, crude sexual humour! It’s NOT FUCKING FUNNY ANYMORE!”

And with that, she slammed the door.

“Wow, is she on her period or what?” Pinkie giggled, then burst out laughing. Jesus, how fucking funny is that? Periods! The menstrual cycle! A perfectly normal biological function of human females! Hilarious! Comedy Gold! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahah!

Sorry, I just can’t do this anymore. I’m just SO fucking funny! This game, it’s fucking funny.

Chapter 14: Fallout (Boy): Equestria - The Nuclear Gangbang (Guest Chapter)

War. War never changes. Except this one time a bunch of ponies stopped having tea parties and decided to nuke each other. That changed everything because almost everyone was fucking dead. Too bad. But war never stopped because it’s in our blood and we keep doing it and friendship is over and bla bla bla bla...

Anyway, this is the bit where the author says some “deep” and “philosophical” bullshit to convince everyone that he’s smart and not retarded like anyone who reads this. But noone actually gives a shit because they just want to read all the cool action and edginess, so they skip ahead.

If you actually bothered to read this, congrats! You don’t have ADD. You’re just a regular loser.

Fuck you.

Unlikely Hero walked down the metal corridor of Stable 69 (lol geddit?), passing a couple who argued who had to make a blood sacrifice tonight.

“Like, no way! I gave twelve pints of blood this month!”

“Waaay! You’re just trying to make up excuses.”

“Shut up bitch before I rape you again!”

“Promise~?”

It had to be this way, because this stable was designed to be “metal as fuck”, so every day they had to pour a pint of blood into the generator, or it would wake up and eat all the babies. That was Unlikely Hero’s job, by the way: collect the blood. And if someone disobeyed, they got beaten up and raped. Such was life in the Wasteland.

After eavesdropping for a while, Unlikely Hero scoffed and kept moving. Of course, “Unlikely Hero” wasn’t his real name; he changed it since he felt his given name of “Totallynot Foreshadowing” sounded too lame. He also wasn’t really a “he”, not since she realized that her true inner self was female, though thankfully his past (wrong) self was homosexual, so once all the magic-shmagic could be done on his her body, she could embrace the form that was meant for her and find a nice cock for herself so we can have sex scenes in the fic too.

If only her parents could understand.

“Oh my Celestia, Mom!” she would scream. “Can’t you just let it go and accept me for who I am on the inside instead?”

“On the inside? You mean ‘a worthless piece of shit’?” they’d reply. “I can’t believe I spawned a faggot who wants to change genders. I am being totally intolerant for edginess reasons right now.”

“I hate you both! I wish you’d both die! I WILL LET YOU DOWN, I WILL MAKE YOU HURT!”

Yeah, that didn’t go well. But still, thank goodness that brony authors make sure to discuss these serious issues using horses that can talk.

Anyway, this was just another ordinary day for our hero, at least until she walked into the doctor’s office to find out why her tummy hurt and her turds smelled like chloroform.

“You are a carrier for Type 4 Lauren Faust syndrome,” the doctor said.

“Good heavens!” she replied. “What’s that mean?”

“In 2 days, you start shouting unfunny memes non-stop, and everyone around you bleeds to death through their genitals.”

“Oh no, I guess it’s time to leave the stable then.”

“The door is locked, you stupid cunt. How do you plan on getting out?”

“FUCK YOU!”

Unlikely Hero grabbed a wrench and bashed the doctor’s head in. An alarm went off, and she realized it was time to tits or GTFO. Since she didn’t have tits (that would be disgusting, you fucking pervert), she went for option #2.

After fighting her way through all the guards and idiot friends that tried to stop her, she opened the door somehow (I won’t tell, make up some theories) and found herself on the surface, expecting lush green fields, blue skies, and magic rainbows.

But no! Equestria is different now! There’s radiation and dead ponies everywhere, and everyone who’s left alive is trying to kill you and eat your brains or guts or whatever! The very first thing that happens is Unlikely Hero being attacked by a group of crazy ponies. She screams “rape,” but the one thing that doesn’t “come” that day is help.

After spending a few weeks as a sex slave, Unlikely Hero uses all the exp she gained to max out her stats. With all the rage she has from getting pegged every day, she breaks out, all the scrubs die in her path, and she becomes this big hero that rescues all the babies and ladies that cry for help. She doesn’t even ask for a reward, except when she’s horny and wants to fuck the nearest moving object.

Sexual content is the edgiest of them all.

One day, after saving both Ponytown and Hoof City, she runs into a hot stud named “Convenient Sidekick”, who becomes the first of her many many companions along her neverending journey. Because it never does fucking end, why do you think you have 74 unread chapters left?

Let’s see how an average conversation goes down between them.

“OH NO, COMPANION!” Hero screamed. “HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME? I’M A MONSTER!”

“No you’re not!” Companion said. “You just had another psychotic episode, that’s all.”

“I don’t get it! Why can’t I stop killing ponies because I got a flagpole shoved up my ass on my first day in da hood? I think every flagpole is triggering me now!”

Companion says nothing. They’ve been teasing it for three chapters now, so it was time to make his move. He leans against her, pulls her into a hug, and whispers in her ear.

“Tell ya what: let’s have some sex again. That should cure your PTSD or schizophrenia or flu or whatever its called…”

“Okie-dokie-loki.”

And then they had sex. Fade to black because clop is fucking disgusting.

The chapter is over now. This is the part where I ask you to donate to my PayPal and Patreon. I will continue to do so for 100+ chapters until I finish with a shit ending.

Bronies are cunts, and fanfics are garbage. Stop reading them.

Chapter 15: ViE - Vikernes in Equestria

All was still in the Everfree forest, apart from the occasional rustling of leaves from a critter scurrying to and fro. Darkness had befallen the forest, and most animals were attempting to hide for a peaceful night’s rest. A small breeze glided through the forest, rustling the leaves some.

Suddenly, trees shook violently, as a white light appeared over the forest. The light continued to grow brighter, as electrical impulses filled the sky. Suddenly, with a large explosion, it disappeared as suddenly as it came.

In the smoldering grass left in it’s wake, a figure lay, dressed in chainmail armour. He arose from the indent in the land, and silently stared at the scene while stroking his long, grey facial hair.

In a thick accent, he said, “Hvor i helvete er jeg?”

Twilight Sparkle was awoken by the explosion.

“Gah! What was that?!”

Spike ran into her room, frantic and worried.

“Twi, did you see that?”

“Yeah… what was that?” she asked.

“I think it came from the Everfree forest...” Spike feebly replied.

“I’ve never read anything about this sort of thing happening in the Everfree forest. We must investigate this!” Twilight said as she levitated her sheets off herself.

With great speed, Twilight put on her saddlebags and ran for the forest, leaving Spike behind in a trail of dust. As she galloped to the Everfree, she was joined by Fluttershy, who was similarly worried.

“What do you think happened, Twilight?” Fluttershy asked.

“I… can’t say. This is unlike anything I’ve ever read about!”

“I hope it’s nothing serious… eep!”

Fluttershy was pushed by a stronger stallion, even more determined to find out what had happened.

After several minutes of galloping, the ponies arrived at the scene. What Twilight saw shocked her.

A figure in chainmail armour stared at them. He was at least two ponies taller than they were. He stood on hind legs.

“Oh! Hei små ponnier! Kan du hjelpe meg?”

“What language is this monster speaking?!” a worried stallion yelled.

“Oh my, talking horses! I must be in the wrong realm.”

“Who… are you?” Twilight asked with caution.

“My name is er, Varg Vikernes and I play in the band Burzum.”

The ponies were shocked. Varg Vikernes? What kind of a name was that? Burzum? Is that even a band? Why had they never heard of Burzum?

Twilight tried to whisper to Fluttershy, but noticed that she was long gone.

Suddenly, ‘Varg’ spoke again, “Do any of you know how to er, get to Mordor?”

“Umm… what’s Mordor?”

The man sighed.

“Take me to your leader.”

Twilight stepped out into the opening. Varg laughed.

“You expect me to believe your leader is a woman? Ha! Please, take me to your real leader.”

“Umm… I am the ‘leader’... well, at least in Ponyville...” Twilight tenderly replied.

Varg’s smile turned to a scowl.

“Very well then. Is this Mordor? Have you seen any orcs, or elves?” Varg asked impatiently.

“Well, this place is called Equestria to us, but Ponyville is currently being threatened by orcs,” Twilight sparked up, “They’ve been kidnapping our ponies and enslaving them! Forcing them to work in mines for diamonds!”

“We shall see about that. Take me to the orc scum.”

Varg pulled a sword from his sheath, and it glistened in the moonlight. Twilight started galloping towards the orcs, and Varg followed suit.

“Umm, uhh… Varg? Do you have protection?”

“Yes, this chainmail suit has protected me before.”

“It looks a little… thin…”

“I will be protected by the spear of Óðinn,” Varg said with absolute.

The two arrived at a field, stained with crimson. It was almost barren, save for several bushy shrubs dotting the terrain. They could see the sun, painting the sky itself various shades of red and orange. In the distance, they saw an old wooden structure

Suddenly, several orcs jumped out from the bushes. Twilight gasped and hid behind Varg, who gripped his sword with two hands and smirked.

“This is war, huh…” Varg said, “wow.”

He swung his sword at the first orc who ran to him. The sword sliced through the orc’s throat, and a fountain of crimson sprayed Varg in his essence. Another orc approached him from behind, but Varg turned around and stabbed the fat creature in the stomach. A third orc ran towards him foolishly. He threw his sword into the orc’s thick skull, and the orc fell to the ground.

“Hah! Looks like these orcs will be crying.”

The other orcs started running towards the encampment.

“Come on, horse, we must chase down these scummy orcs.”

“Umm, I’m actually Princess Twilight Spar-”

“Do I look like I care? Take me there, I must use horseback.”

“What?!” she said, in horror.

“You heard me! In my world, we use horses to get to places faster. We ride on their backs.”

“Fine…” Twilight begrudgingly replied.

Varg sat on Twilight’s back, and the two continued towards the coward orcs.

The orc encampment was a crudely constructed wooden village, surrounded by a shoddy wall. On one side of the camp, a large structure stood tall. It was only crudely made of wood, but to the orcs, it was the most significant building. They gathered there before battle to give them power to win.

On the outside, Varg noticed several orcs entering the building.

“What are you thinking, Varg?” Twilight said.

“Hmm…” Varg hummed, searching.

He spotted everything he’d need. He grabbed the objects and tucked them under his armour.

“Come, horse. We must find an entrance.”

“Boss me around…” Twilight grumbled.

Upon searching the wall, they found a hole in the wall, just large enough for Varg to fit through, but not wide enough for Twilight too.

“This is perfect. We are close enough to their wooden shithouse. You wait here.”

“Okay, Princess Varg,” Twilight sarcastically obeyed.

“I am not a princess!”

He climbed through the hole, and pulled out the object. It was two sticks. He started rubbing them together.

“What are you doing?!” Twilight asked in a hush voice.

Suddenly, a fire appeared on the sticks.

“Isn’t it obvious?” Varg asked, “Burning their church. Don’t worry, I’ve done it several times, actually.”

Twilight looked in shock as the entire building was engulfed in flames.

Varg turned around and said, “I like my orcs… kuhrispy,” before turning back and running into the town center.

She heard the screams of the orcs burning alive inside, and the other orcs fleeing the encampment. She cried for them.

Suddenly, Varg reappeared from the smoke, carrying an orc by his hand.

“Listen here, you scum! Tell me where those horses are!”

“I dunno! I swear to God!”

“Tell me!” Varg screamed in the orc’s face.

“I don’t know!”

Varg jammed his sword under the orc’s fingernail, leading him to scream in excruciating pain. Twilight gasped.

“Tell me, you piece of shit!” Varg screamed again, slapping the orc across the face.

“Alright, alright! They’re in the dungeons, just north of here! All of the orcs from there just came back! It’s orc-free! I swear!”

“Okay.”

Varg proceeded to stab the orc in the head, before viciously stabbing him a further 26 times.

Twilight had enough of the brutality.

“What the Tartarus is wrong with you?!”

“I’ve done this before, it’s okay.”

Twilight went pale.

“Last person I did it too deserved it, so don’t act like I’m some sort of evil being. I did what I had to, and I removed a filthy coward from the earth while I did it,” Varg proudly stated, before saying, “Now, shall we free these horses from the dungeons of darkness?”

“Fine, let’s go.”

Varg hopped on her back, and yelled “Utover!”

The two ran towards the dungeons.

Several days later, the ponies from the dungeons were reunited with their families. Twilight watched over them from her crystal castle. A smile appeared upon her face. She had done something very good. Varg walked next to her with a similar expression of happiness. He stroked his beard softly.

“Well, it appears I’ve solved the orc problem.”

“Yes, you did. Thank you for that, sir.”

“Now what should we do about the obvious race problem you have here?”

“Excuse me?” Twilight said.

“Well, your ‘unicorns’ are obviously the superior race here, so to prevent any genetic pollution, we should rid the country of pegasi and, er, ‘earth’ ponies.”

Twilight simply ignored him. Several days of incessant talk about Pagan gods and the pure race had worn her out. While she had originally fought with him over his views, after the tenth time, she gave up.

“I must say, I’ve enjoyed my time here. This castle is like something from a dream.”

“Well, thank you Varg. I must say that despite your, um, confrontational attitudes, you were a very pleasant guests. You saved these ponies lives.”

“Anyway, I must be getting back to the real realm.”

“Okay, well, see you later then.”

“Well, I doubt I will be coming back to this realm, but I appreciate the gesture. Farvel, Princess.”

Varg raised his sword in the air and chanted.

“Få meg helvete ut herfra!”

Suddenly, in a brilliant flash of light, he disappeared, leaving Twilight by herself in the castle.

“...What the fuck was wrong with that cunt?”

Chapter 16: You Suffer Songfic

Fluttershy suffered, but why?

Chapter 17: Bad Music For Bad People

Hey, people reading, my name is Jason Jones (oh shit, that’s my real name. Damn, I guess you guys know who harpseal2 is now). I’m 21 years old, and I’ve been stuck in Equestria for a while now. I know, life’s pretty weird now. I’m living with Twilight, my favourite pony, in her super huge castle, which is pretty cool. I sleep in her bed, and sometimes we fuck, I mean, nothing special or anything here. Nothing weird about interspecies sex with an equine. It’s really great, I love living here. It’s even better than being in the real world!

I mean, everyone likes me, and they think I’m totally cool. Except Rainbow Dash, who's a fucking bitch. She hates me for like no reason, she just hated me out of the blue, just like I did, apparently. I know, right? I’m not a fucking shallow Mary-Sue of a character or anything, because.

Anyway, good news I guess. She figured out a spell to recharge my iPhone. When she gets all her friends around, I’m gonna play them some music. They’re gonna love it.

Twilight’s friends gathered around me, as my iPhone turned on. They were shocked and amazed, except for Rainbow Dash, that fucking asshole. God, I hate her. Easily the worst character in the show and in this fic. This is in no way related to how much I dislike her in the show or anything.

“Boore-ring!” she said in her annoying voice, “Just play us some music already, dude I hate for absolutely no reason apart from the fact that you dislike my character in the show, and since you’re an autist fuck who created an awful Gary Stu, that means that I need to hate you.”

“Give it a minute you impatient whore!” I said.

All the other girls nodded their heads, and shushed her. Yep, that’s right, even they hate her in this fic, which has NOTHING to do with how I actually feel about her at all. Nope, not one bit.

My iPod came to life, and I unlocked it. My background was a troll face. Damn, that’s awesome.

“What is that?” Rainbow Dash whined like a bitch.

“It’s a meme, you dip.”

I adjusted my fedora.

I picked the “music” app. Hmm, what should I play for the girls?

I saw the name NOFX, and I thought, yes, they’d love it!

I picked my favourite album, War on Errorism, and I picked the only song I’ve heard from them, Franco Unamerican.

The music started.

“...umm,” Twilight said, “This is total shit.”

“Yeah,” Rarity agreed, “What the fuck is this even supposed to be?”

“Not music,” Fluttershy chimed in, “That’s certainly the case.”

Spaghetti fell from my pockets.

“Hey, this is kinda good!” Dash said.

“FUCK YOU!” I said to Rainbow Dash.

“I can’t believe I prepared a party for this!” Pinkie said.

“Ah can’t believe how terrible this shit is!” Applejack said.

Everyone started walking out, except for Rainbow Dash, who wanted to torment me like the snivelling little shit she is.

“NoooooO!” I said, my voice cracking like the fat, pathetic manchild I am.

Spaghetti fell from my pockets. My fedora rolled off my head.

“Damn, you’re fucking pathetic,” Dash said, following her friends out.

I pulled my handy gun out of my pocket (I love the second amendment!) and I shot myself in the fucking face.

Chapter 18: He

has no pride, he has no snark

This horse has a funny mark

Chapter 19: The Chapter In Which Rainbow Dash And Fluttershy Engage In Consensual Carnal Knowledge Within The Current Residence Of Fluttershy

The day was warm and sunny due to the presence of the sun, a significant star in the Solar System in which Earth can be found, in the sky. Due to the sun’s presence in the sky, the day was warm and sunny. The sun loomed over the Earth, but specifically the village of Ponyville, which had the sun looming over it, therefore making the day very warm and sunny. You could even say it was hot and bright due to the presence of the sun, a significant star in the Solar System in which Earth can be found, in the sky, but it would be best if we simply referred to the day as warm and sunny due to the presence of the sun, a significant star in the Solar System in which Earth can be found, in the sky.

Fluttershy wondered outside of her cottage which was in Ponyville, which is in Equestria, which is presumably set on the planet Earth, which is within a local solar system, which is within The Milky Way galaxy, which is in the Local Cluster, which is in the Local Supercluster, which is in the observable universe, which is surrounded by dark matter and antimatter, and stretched. She raised her large horse buttocks into the sky above, facing towards the sun, a significant star in the Solar System in which Earth can be found. It were voluptuous and smooth, akin to that of a foal's bottom. Her beautiful vulva, attached to her aforementioned voluptuous rectum that were as smooth as a foal’s bottom, was bathed in the sunlight of the Sun, a significant star in the Solar System in which Earth can be found.

She looked up, and saw her friend Rainbow Dash fawning upon her aforementioned voluptuous rectum that were as smooth as a foal’s bottom, was bathed in the sunlight of the Sun, a significant star in the Solar System in which Earth can be found, from upon a large, pillowy cloud. She blushed slightly, while calling out to embarrass her friend named Rainbow Dash.

“Oh Rainbow Dash, the pegasus pony, I noticed that you are staring at my behind, you little pervert,” she said, teasingly, “this greatly disturbs my personal comfort, and I would appreciate your co-operation if you used your muscular wings to levitate down from the cloud mass which you were hidden by and apologise to me.”

“Oh drat, it appears my cover from behind this cloud mass has been blown. I will now use my muscular wings to levitate down from the cloud mass which I am hidden behind and I will converse with you with the purpose of apologising for invading your personal comfort, Fluttershy,” Rainbow replied, upon noticing that her cover had been blown.

The pegasus pony with rainbow hair and a sky blue coat, also known as Rainbow Dash, left from behind the cloud mass she was hidden behind and approached the ground at high velocity, before stopping gently and smoothly in front of the pegasus pony with pink hair and a yellow coat, also known as Fluttershy, with the purpose of apologising to the deuteragonist of this fanfiction, the pegasus pony with pink hair and a yellow coat, also known as Fluttershy, for the unwarranted invasion of the pegasus pony’s with pink hair and a yellow coat, also known as Fluttershy, personal comfort.

“Oh dear, my friend Fluttershy. I apologise for causing you personal discomfort with my voyeuristic personality. I promise that I will not cause you personal discomfort with my voyeuristic personality again.”

“I accept your apology for causing me personal discomfort with your voyeuristic personality, Rainbow Dash, my friend.”

“Say, Fluttershy, have you noticed that due to the sun’s current position in the sky, it is quite warm and sunny?” Rainbow Dash questioned Fluttershy regarding the warm and sunny day.

“Yes, my dear friend Rainbow Dash, I have noticed that due to the sun’s current position in the sky, it is quite warm and sunny,” Fluttershy replied in regards to the warm sunny day that Rainbow Dash had been discussing with her.

“Would you like to use your hooves to wander inside into my current residence, which is a cottage in Ponyville, which is in Equestria, which is presumably set on the planet Earth, which is within a local solar system, which is within The Milky Way galaxy, which is in the Local Cluster, which is in the Local Supercluster, which is in the observable universe, which is surrounded by dark matter and antimatter, for some tea and biscuits?” Fluttershy asked, inviting her friend to have some tea and biscuits in her current residence  which is a cottage in Ponyville, which is in Equestria, which is presumably set on the planet Earth, which is within a local solar system, which is within The Milky Way galaxy, which is in the Local Cluster, which is in the Local Supercluster, which is in the observable universe, which is surrounded by dark matter and antimatter.

“Why yes, Fluttershy I would indeed like to use my hooves to wander inside into your current residence, which is a cottage in Ponyville, which is in Equestria, which is presumably set on the planet Earth, which is within a local solar system, which is within The Milky Way galaxy, which is in the Local Cluster, which is in the Local Supercluster, which is in the observable universe, which is surrounded by dark matter and antimatter, for some tea and biscuits. However, I have a serious allergic reaction to the materials contained within biscuits, so unfortunately, I will only be able to use my hooves to wander inside into your current residence, which is a cottage in Ponyville, which is in Equestria, which is presumably set on the planet Earth, which is within a local solar system, which is within The Milky Way galaxy, which is in the Local Cluster, which is in the Local Supercluster, which is in the observable universe, which is surrounded by dark matter and antimatter, for some tea.” Rainbow Dash replied, confirming that she would indeed wander inside into Fluttershy’s current residence, which is a cottage in Ponyville, which is in Equestria, which is presumably set on the planet Earth, which is within a local solar system, which is within The Milky Way galaxy, which is in the Local Cluster, which is in the Local Supercluster, which is in the observable universe, which is surrounded by dark matter and antimatter, for some tea, but she would not wander inside into Fluttershy’s current residence, which is a cottage in Ponyville, which is in Equestria, which is presumably set on the planet Earth, which is within a local solar system, which is within The Milky Way galaxy, which is in the Local Cluster, which is in the Local Supercluster, which is in the observable universe, which is surrounded by dark matter and antimatter, for some tea and biscuits.

Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash used their hooves to wander inside into Fluttershy’s current residence, which is a cottage in Ponyville, which is in Equestria, which is presumably set on the planet Earth, which is within a local solar system, which is within The Milky Way galaxy, which is in the Local Cluster, which is in the Local Supercluster, which is in the observable universe, which is surrounded by dark matter and antimatter, for some tea and biscuits, except in Rainbow Dash’s case, because she could not eat the biscuits, due to a possible allergic reaction to the ingredients used in biscuits, therefore meaning she could only have tea. Sadness was abound.

Fluttershy walked into her kitchen, in her cottage, which is in Ponyville, which is in Equestria, which is presumably set on the planet Earth, which is within a local solar system, which is within The Milky Way galaxy, which is in the Local Cluster, which is in the Local Supercluster, which is in the observable universe, which is surrounded by dark matter and antimatter. I should stop doing this now. She placed a kettle upon the stove, and turned the stove on, to heat up the kettle, to make the kettle heat up, to create tea with hot water in the kettle, which needed to be heated on the stove to create the tea. She placed the tea bags inside two ceramic cups. The kettle whistled, signifying to Fluttershy that the kettle had been heated, and therefore the water in the kettle must have been hot, so therefore Fluttershy grabbed the kettle and poured water into the two cups.

Eventually, after much preparation, the pegasus pony with pink hair and a yellow coat named Fluttershy, walked into the room with the two cups of tea that she was holding. How she was holding them, I cannot explain within the confines of this chapter. Shut your mouth and read the fucking story.

The deuteragonist, another pegasus pony with rainbow hair and a sky blue coat named Rainbow Dash took the cup from the protagonist, the original pegasus pony with pink hair and a yellow coat named Fluttershy. She took a small sip from the tea, but alas, it had burnt her mouth. This is due to the fact that the water was scalding as it had been heated through the use of a kettle. However, this hot water releases the necessary flavours contained within the tea bags, and therefore, allows the substance known as tea to be created and enjoyed by a wide variety of people.

“Oh Rainbow Dash you know the water is scalding as it has been heated through the use of a kettle. However, this hot water releases the necessary flavours contained within the tea bags, and therefore, allows the substance known as tea to be created and enjoyed by a wide variety of people,” Fluttershy said, explaining the extremely in depth way in which tea is created.

“Thank you for informing me of the scalding water contained within the confines of this ceramic cup from which I can drink this substance known as tea, which was created through the wonders of modern technology, and the use of a kettle,” Rainbow Dash thanked Fluttershy, the protagonist of this chapter of this fanfiction of the TV series, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

“Now Rainbow Dash, I am seriously questioning your ulterior motive which was made extremely fucking clear in the introduction of this fanfiction, in which you invaded my personal comfort through your voyeuristic personality, by staring at my behind, and my exposed genitals, due to the fact that we do not commonly wear clothes, except in extraordinary circumstances and important events which we would be invited to attend.” Fluttershy address the issue of Rainbow Dash invading her personal comfort through her voyeuristic personality, as she was staring at Fluttershy’s behind, and her exposed genitals, due to the fact that they do not commonly wear clothes, except in extraordinary circumstances and important events which they would have been invited to attend to.

“I liked looking at your ass, dude,” Rainbow Dash said, totally missing the entire fucking tone of the great majority of this fanfiction before.

“Rainbow Dash! You spoke in such uncouth terms, so unlike the extremely verbose and annoying manner that the author has adopted for a funny joke fanfiction, and therefore forced us two characters within the story to adopt,” Fluttershy said, describing the manner in which the author adopted an extremely verbose manner of writing for a joke within his collection of witty, sarcastic works, also known as Bad Stories For Bad People.

If you enjoy the stories contained within this fanfiction, you should pick up the author's new book, “Bad Stories For Bad People”, it’s sequel “Badder Stories For Badder People”, the film adaption “Bad Movies For Bad People”, and of course, the official soundtrack, “Bad Music For Bad People”. Available at all good bookstores, movie stores, and recording stores across the continents of North America, Canada, Europe, and Australia, or online at the author’s website, http://www.badwebsitesforbadpeople.com.au/shop. If you pay $5 more on everything, I, the author, will personally sign your new quality product from Bad Companies For Bad People. You can pick a special option, Bad Shipping For Bad People, and receive your brand new product through Bad Deliveries For Bad People. This was brought to you by Bad International Corporate Conglomerates For Bad People. Made in a Bad Country (Australia) by a Bad Person (me). Authorised by the Bad Government For Bad People, Australia.

Back to the story after a short advertisement break from our sponsors.

“Fluttershy, I do not enjoy this extreme pussyfooting and cuckoldery you are creating for me, as it is clear that my motives are sexual, and it would greatly please me to engage in carnal knowledge with you.”

“Well, Rainbow Dash, I must reveal another grand secret that I have been hiding, due to my extreme cuckoldery I have created for you; I am also willing to engage in the act of carnal knowledge, to which we should get started.”

“I am very pleased to hear this. Let me rectify the situation of cuckoldry I have been placed into by engaging in carnal knowledge.”

The two ponies used their hooves to run up the staircase of Fluttershy’s cottage, which was in Ponyville, which is in Equestria, which is presumably set on the planet Earth, which is within a local solar system, which is within The Milky Way galaxy, which is in the Local Cluster, which is in the Local Supercluster, which is in the observable universe, which is surrounded by dark matter and antimatter, and they entered the bedroom in Fluttershy’s cottage, which was in Ponyville, which is in Equestria, which is presumably set on the planet Earth, which is within a local solar system, which is within The Milky Way galaxy, which is in the Local Cluster, which is in the Local Supercluster, which is in the observable universe, which is surrounded by dark matter and antimatter, and they entered the bed, which was in Fluttershy’s bedroom, which was in her cottage, which was in Ponyville, which is in Equestria, which is presumably set on the planet Earth, which is within a local solar system, which is within The Milky Way galaxy, which is in the Local Cluster, which is in the Local Supercluster, which is in the observable universe, which is surrounded by dark matter and antimatter. Rainbow Dash started engaging in the act of kissing with the yellow-coated pegasus, known as Fluttershy, the protagonist of this story.

“Oh, baby, please do continue in engaging in the act of kissing with me, Fluttershy, as I am finding that act rather enjoyable,” Fluttershy said, asking Rainbow Dash to continue the act of kissing with her, as she was finding the entire thing enjoyable.

“I will oblige your wishes and engage in the act of kissing for an extended period of time, which you will surely enjoy,” Rainbow Dash said, fulfilling the wishes of Fluttershy, who had asked for the act of kissing to continue for an extended period of time, which she was hoping for.

“I am very much enjoying this sensual act,” Fluttershy said.

“That line was far too short to belong in this lengthy chapter of this story, purposely written in verbose, with characters often breaking the fourth wall, which is what I am currently doing,” Rainbow Dash said, noticing the relative short length of that line in comparison to the rest of the fanfiction, purposely written in verbose, with characters often breaking the fourth wall, an act she was committing during her speech.

“I apologise for my line being far too short in this lengthy chapter of the story, Bad Stories For Bad People, which is named The Chapter Of The Story “Bad Stories For Bad People”, Written By The Author harpseal2, Which Is Hosted On The Site FIMFiction.net In Which Two Of The Main Cast Of The Children’s TV Series My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic, Specifically The Characters Rainbow Dash And Fluttershy, Engage In Consensual Carnal Knowledge Within The Current Residence Of The Character Known As Fluttershy, One Of The Main Characters Within The Children’s TV Series My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic, Of Which The Secondary Character, Also Known As Rainbow Dash, Is Also A Main Character In,” she said, with great sadness in her voice upon realising the grave mistake she had committed. Surely, the author will stop using her in this shitty fanfic as punishment. Oh, she could only hope.

But alas, I’m not going to stop using her in this fucking terrible fic. A fate worse than the loss of life, also known as death.

The two continued engaging in the act of kissing. Their kissing was complex, and extremely passionate and sensual. The two obviously loved each other very much.

The time has come. We have been waiting for over 2500 words for this moment. Yes, in this very moment, we will witness the act of carnal knowledge, committed consensually by two characters, a yellow-coated pegasus with soft, pink hair, known as Fluttershy, who is the protagonist of the story, and her friend, a sky blue coated pegasus with rainbow hair, named Rainbow Dash, who serves as the deuteragonist with a voyeuristic personality which created personal discomfort in Fluttershy, from the children’s television series, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, within the chapter named The Chapter Of The Story “Bad Stories For Bad People”, Written By The Author harpseal2, Which Is Hosted On The Site FIMFiction.net In Which Two Of The Main Cast Of The Children’s TV Series My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic, Specifically The Characters Rainbow Dash And Fluttershy, Engage In Consensual Carnal Knowledge Within The Current Residence Of The Character Known As Fluttershy, One Of The Main Characters Within The Children’s TV Series My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic, Of Which The Secondary Character, Also Known As Rainbow Dash, Is Also A Main Character In, within the fanfiction Bad Stories For Bad People by the author named harpseal2, hosted on the site named fimfiction.net. On this day that was warm and sunny due to the presence of the sun, a significant star in the Solar System in which Earth can be found, in the sky and due to the sun’s presence in the sky, the day which was warm and sunny, we will see our two characters engage in carnal knowledge in the bed, which was in Fluttershy’s bedroom, which was in her cottage, which was in Ponyville, which is in Equestria, which is presumably set on the planet Earth, which is within a local solar system, which is within The Milky Way galaxy, which is in the Local Cluster, which is in the Local Supercluster, which is in the observable universe, which is surrounded by dark matter and antimatter. Yes, you read that right. On this day that was warm and sunny due to the presence of the sun, a significant star in the Solar System in which Earth can be found, in the sky and due to the sun’s presence in the sky, the day which was warm and sunny, we will see Fluttershy, the protagonist, and Rainbow Dash, the deuteragonist, engage in carnal knowledge in the bed, which was in Fluttershy’s bedroom, which was in her cottage, which was in Ponyville, which is in Equestria, which is presumably set on the planet Earth, which is within a local solar system, which is within The Milky Way galaxy, which is in the Local Cluster, which is in the Local Supercluster, which is in the observable universe, which is surrounded by dark matter and antimatter. It’s happening here folks.

They fucked.

The end.

Chapter 20: Sgt. Scootaloo, Seal Team Alpha Romeo 6 Two: Revenge of The Illuminati Reptilian Muslims and their Gay Agenda

0420 hours.

Scootaloo stood tall for a short horse, on a mountain which was quite a bit taller than her I guess. I dunno, do I look like a fucking scientist to you? The mountain was snowy and it was cold and dark, but Scootaloo had been specially trained in all fifty of her fucking military groups to withstand and endure such pain. The wind struck the young horse, but she kept moving on up the mountain. She was on a very important mission.

Anyway, she pulled out her pair of DMM Apex Axe Ice Picks, like the ones in that one mission in Black Ops, from her Free Knight Military Style 3 Day MOLLE Backpack, and she climbed the snowy mountain. She knew the enemy was inside. She was wearing her Yukon 1x24 NV Tracker Night Vision Goggles, but only just now activated them, because it was dark.

“Where are you, you reptilians?” she said to herself.

She was certain that the reptilian scum who run Ameri-shit I mean Equestria lived in here. A cold-blooded creature would live in a cold place. These communists were destroying the American way of life, by trying to introduce gun control. Gun control doesn’t work. Everyone knows that. Come on, name the fucking countries where it fucking works? Apart from Australia, England, a majority of other European countries, pretty much everywhere fucking else in the world apart from the US apparently. But we are SMART people, unlike everyone else, so we don’t NEED gun control! After all, without guns, people are just gonna use knives, which are much less dangerous, much easier to survive, and much harder to kill multiple people with, unlike a gun. But you dumbass commies miss the point!

She kept using her DMM Apex Axe Ice Picks to ascend the mountain. She was sure the reptilians were hiding somewhere nearby. Suddenly, her left DMM Apex Axe Ice Pick struck solid metal.

“Ha! I’ve found you now, you muslim sympathising scum!”

Scootaloo pulled her Mark XIX IMI Desert Eagle .50 Cal Action Express Pistol from her Magnum Research Nylon Tactical Thigh Holster. She looked at her Rolex Cosmograph Daytona Oyster 40 mm steel and yellow gold wrist-watch, which was partially scratched from last time she had it on. It read 4:20 AM. Perfect timing.

She rubbed the snow from the door with her hoof. It read;

ILLUMINATI REPTILE COMMUNIST HEADQUARTERS

DONT COME IN UNLESS YOU HATE AME-EQUESTRIA SHIT WHY DO I ALWAYS FORGET FUCKING HELL

Shit, caps. Sorry

She smirked, holding her Mark XIX IMI Desert Eagle .50 Cal Action Express Pistol in one hoof, while holding the handle to the door in the other.

Alright, I gotta take a shit. I’ll be back in a second.

She pulled open the door, and climbed in.

Several reptilian guards, who were wearing turbans like their sandhead brothers in the first one, turned their Izhmash AK-47 7.62x39mm Caliber Fully Automatic Assault Rifles towards Scootaloo, making her stop.

“Ah hah hah! We were… expecting you missus Scootaloo!” the cold-blooded fuck said, “You killed our brethren in Iraq or wherever the fuck it was in the first one.”

“I will kill you, as I killed them!”

“Not if we kill you first, you bitch.”

7.62 bullets started flying from all over. Scootaloo slid across the ground to behind some boxes. She hastily pulled out her FN P90 9×19mm Parabellum Caliber Fully Automatic Personal Defense Weapon from her Free Knight Military Style 3 Day MOLLE Backpack.

“Eat lead, you Am-Equestria hating fuckers!”

She shot a lot of bullets and a lot of people fucking died. She was hit in the chest by the gunfire of a now-dead reptilian. She wheezed, as she was protected by her DuPont Fiber KM2 Kevlar Bulletproof Vest, and wasn’t hit.

She stood in the room full of dead reptilians, and smiled.

“If you ain’t cheating, you ain’t trying,” she said.

She went to ru- shit, mom called me. We have dinner. What a ridiculous social construct. Obviously made by Jewish anti-Americans. We go to bed later, and I usually order a dozen McDonalds Big Macs with a side of fries and a jumbo cola at midnight anyway. Fucking jews ruin everything. FUCK, SHUT UP MOM! Right, gotta go.

She wandered down a hallway, and saw Hillary Clinton, the anti-American candidate!

“It was you!”

“You’ll never get me, you little shit,” she screamed at Scootaloo, before running away.

She followed after, but as she turned a corner, another lot of muslim reptilians found her!

She raised her FN P90 9×19mm Parabellum Caliber Fully Automatic Personal Defense Weapon and shot them. They died.

She kept running after Hillary Clinton. She found a locked door, which had a note written on it;

TOP SECRET ANTI AMERICAN fuck I mean fucking EQUESTRIAN COMMUNIST GAY AGENDA PLANNING ROOM

She was fuming. She pulled out her GWA Auto Assault 12 Gauge Fully Automatic Shotgun to bust through that fucking door, just like that FPS Russia video. Come on, you little dickheads have to have seen it. FUCKING WATCH IT!

She kicked the door open. Hillary Clinton was huddled in a corner. Suddenly, she noticed…

Her face was lying on the ground! It was a PLASTIC MASK!

SHE WAS A REPTILIAN MUSLIM ANTI EQUESTRIAN SHIT FUCK YES FOR THE FIRST FUCKING TIME I GOT IT RIGHT YES ILLUMINATI GAY LOVING SHIT!

“My god! Just as I suspected!”

“NOW YOU KNOW, YOU MUST DIE!”

“Not today!”

She pulled her Mark XIX IMI Desert Eagle .50 Cal Action Express Pistol from her Magnum Research Nylon Tactical Thigh Holster, and shot her in the fucking face. She died.

Scootaloo walked out, but soon noticed an army of reptilians following her. She killed their leader, and since they were mindless muslim sheep, they had no cognitive thought.

Scootaloo ran out and jumped into the Lockheed AC-130 Spectre Air-To-Ground Heavily Armoured Airship. She sighed happily, as the guns started pointing towards the mountain. A lot of fucking bullets blew the fucking shit out of the mountain.

“Today was a huge success, but the only easy day was yesterday!”

Chapter 21: The joke

9+10=21.

Chapter 22: The memer in Equestria

Read shitty fanfics.

Like a boss.

Chapter 23: Backwards Music Station (whale)Song Fic

2

4

5

7

2

8

4

5

7

2

8

9

0

0

0

0

0

1

End.

Chapter 25: The Author’s Tragedy (2nd Person)

You push open the small cabinet, and you pull a glass from it. One of your father’s genius ideas: Push-to-open cabinets. Your father is a good man, who tries his hardest for you. You are, however, a lost cause. You have a brother, who despite being younger, is much taller, smarter, fitter, stronger, and nicer than you are.

You walk to the fridge to get a drink. You open the door. You grab a plastic bottle, filled with crystal clear water. You sigh.

Your life is fucking miserable. You wanted to be a lot of things when you were a kid. Now, in your final year of high school, you are totally aimless. Will you even study at university? Who knows. You aren’t fit, you are far from perfect. You are too ugly for a girlfriend, and too lazy to fix that. You sigh again. Sometimes, you say you want to die, but people don’t get that you don’t just say it, you really mean it. You wouldn’t care if you died. You want, if only to make things so much easier.

You feel something stuck in your throat. You cough. You’ve had a constant throat infection since you received a retainer, to straighten your horribly misshapen teeth. Another aspect of your ugliness is your huge buck teeth. You’re like a rabbit.

You realise you ended up spilling water. You curse yourself, and get a cloth to clean it. You throw it in the sink, and walk slowly towards your study. You walk in, and sit down on your chair. Currently, the cushion is too flat, so your dad lent you a huge blue one, which is very comfy. You spent a lot of time here, possibly too much time.

You put the glass next to your keyboard. You put your Logitech headphones on, and you open Google Chrome. Google, Facebook, and Tumblr greet you on the tabs. You check all of them. Some stupid pictures on Facebook, some cute Rottweiler pictures, an occasional funny post from your friend’s Metal Gear Solid theories blog. You sigh, and close the tabs. Google greets you once more.

You started an argument on Electrical Audio, and it’s been consuming your thoughts, so you click on the bookmark, and find the thread. You type a long, angry response to a senior forum member. You finish, and then you check FIMFiction.net.

You read whatever crap is on your feed. You don’t like FIMFiction. You don’t like My Little Pony. You feel obliged to watch it, since you have been since late season 1. It’s become a part of you, as much as you hate to admit it. You feel pathetic.

You click Google Drive in your bookmarks. You have an unfunny fanfiction, that you keep the life support on because you’re just totally pathetic. You know exactly why you want your life to end.

You open the document which you keep all the chapters for the story in, and you clack away upon your keyboard, miserable. You think of upcoming assignments, but you can do them on the weekend. It’s Thursday, nothing’s due tomorrow. You just don’t put any effort in, and you wonder why you don’t get any A’s. Because you’re a fat fucking failure.

You sigh, as you finish yet another unfunny chapter of your shitty story. You open FIMFic again, and open your story. You add a new chapter, and copy paste the text over from the Google Drive page. You press save, and you press publish.

And for a brief period of time, Bad Stories For Bad People is on the front page again.

Chapter 1: Sgt. Scootaloo, Seal Team Alpha Romeo 6

0138 Hours.

Sgt. Scootaloo was wearing her Yukon 1x24 NV Tracker Night Vision Goggles. She was on a mission in Iraq to destroy Barack HUSSEIN Obama’s Muslim terrorist hideout. God Bless Amer- I mean Equestria. Scootaloo pulled her Mark XIX IMI Desert Eagle .50 Cal Action Express Pistol from her Magnum Research Nylon Tactical Thigh Holster. She looked at her Rolex Cosmograph Daytona Oyster 40 mm steel and yellow gold wrist-watch. It read 1:38 AM. Perfect timing.

With the accuracy of a haliaeetus leucocephalus (a.k.a a bald eagle), and the stealth of a panthera onca (a.k.a black panther), Scootaloo rushed across the desert under the curtain of night. She stopped for a moment. She looked through her Yukon 1x24 NV Tracker Night Vision Goggles. In the distance, she could see the target. Even worst, she saw a BURNING AMERICAN FLAG from the headquarters. She was ANGRY. She was an Ameri- sorry, Equestrian patriot, through and through.

Sgt. Scootaloo loved her country. That’s why she served in over 200 different variations of the Equestrian Army, including the NAVY SEALS. I’d list them all, but mom says I gotta go to a wedding soon. God, I wish she would stop being such a bitch! Why do I go need to socialize with my cousins, when I can socialise with my Colt M16A3 Select-fire 5.56 Cal Assault Rifle with a custom Rainbow Dash themed paint job in my disgusting, dank basement? God damn fucking Red Commies! Next thing ya know, GAYS will want to MARRY! How Un-American is that? Jesus Christ people!

Anyway, Scootaloo set up her Springfield Armory M79 Single Shot Grenade Launcher. While it was not a model that was currently used, she kept it for personal reasons. She loaded the 40x46mm Explosive Grenade into the barrel, and fired it at those fucking towelheads. They died really fast, and the explosion left a hole in the base.

She walked in through the hole, and felt a feeble hand reach for her muscular hoof. A muslim with a stupid towel on his stupid head begged for mercy.

“Please, spare me!”

“It pays to be a winner, muslim. You like that? I learnt it from a NAVY seal!” she yelled at the ignorant Muslim.

“I beg you, ma’am, please don’t kill me.

“No can do. I will remove you from the planet. Prepare to suffer the consequences, you anti-Americ-I mean Equestrian scumbag!”

Scootaloo pulled her Mark XIX IMI Desert Eagle .50 Cal Action Express Pistol from her Magnum Research Nylon Tactical Thigh Holster, and pulled the trigger, sending the .50 Caliber bullet into the towelheads face. He died.

“You should have prayed for a REAL god!”

Scootaloo used her GWA Auto Assault 12 Gauge Fully Automatic Shotgun to breach through the door, like in that FPSRussia video. You know the one, right? She pulled the trigger, and recoil rang through her skinny little arms.

She kicked open the destroyed door. There were muslims all over the place, and Scootaloo just smiled.

“Don’t worry, God might have sympathy upon you!”

“ALLAHU AKBAR!” They yelled.

Scootaloo reached behind her, and pulled out her Colt Defence M4 Carbine 5.56x45mm NATO Cal Assault Rifle, modded with a EOTech 510 Series 512-A65 Black Holographic Weapon Sight, for precision. She stared down the EOTech 510 Series 512-A65 Black Holographic Weapon Sight, and shot as many Allah-worshiping Towelheads as she could. God, how useful her EOTech 510 Series 512-A65 Black Holographic Weapon Sight was at times.

“God, I love my EOTech 510 Series 512-A65 Black Holographic Weapon Sight. It never lets me down!”

A dirty towelhead jumped out from behind a concrete block, and shot his Izhmash AK-47 7.62x39mm Caliber Fully Automatic Assault Rifle towards Scootaloo. The 7.62 bullet struck Scootaloo in the chest. Fortunately, she was wearing her DuPont Fiber KM2 Kevlar Bulletproof Vest, and it caught the bullet.

“Nice try, but I have God on my side! Also, I have DuPont Fiber KM2 Kevlar Bulletproof Vest on my chest.”

She shot the Muslim, and 50 others dead. Eventually, with many dead bodies trailing, she made her way to a door marked “OBAMA THE ANTI-AMERICAN shit I mean EQUESTRIAN’S HQ DON’T COME INSIDE”. Scootaloo laughed.

“The only rule I obey is the Bill Of Rights! Especially the Second Amendment!”

She pulled out her previously used GWA Auto Assault 12 Gauge Fully Automatic Shotgun to fire a fucking fuckton of 12 gauge buckshots into the door. A fucking fuckton is a lot. Like, seriously, that’s a lot of bullets. But the GWA Auto Assault 12 Gauge Fully Automatic Shotgun is really good for that, because it’s got a 30 round magazine, which is pretty cool, y’know. She ki- god damn it I gotta go to school. Goddamn communist common core shit! The Jews run everything! They think they can trick me!

She kicked it open to see a cowering Obama, hiding under his Muslim desk. On one side of the room, an ISIS flag hung, and on the other side, was a picture of C4 Controlled Plastic Explosives at the base of the World Trade Center.

“I knew it! You were the one who caused 9/11! Everypony knows that jet fuel can’t melt steel beams!”

“Please! Spare me!”

“The only thing worse than a black, faggot-loving muslim, is a black, faggot-loving, muslim COWARD!”

“No, please! I’ll give you anything!”

“Save it for the Jews and the Illuminati!”

She pulled her Mark XIX IMI Desert Eagle .50 Cal Action Express Pistol from her Magnum Research Nylon Tactical Thigh Holster. She cocked the pistol.

“Any last words, you dirty America- fuck I mean Equestrian-hating Muslim?” she said as she pointed the Mark XIX IMI Desert Eagle .50 Cal Action Express Pistol at Obama’s head.

“ALLAHU AKBAR!”

She pulled the trigger, which made a really big bullet come out and it hit Obama in the head. His head splattered like a watermelon in an FPSRussia video. C’mon guys, you know.

“I have saved Americ-Equestria from the terrorists again! And remember; The only easy day, was yesterday.”

Scootaloo wandered off into the sunrise, as the national anthem played.

Chapter 6(66): Pinkie Pie kills fucking everyone (Guest Chapter)

Pinkie Pie was furious. She was fucking livid. If you saw her, you'd think 'fuck me, she's pissed. I'll stay out of her way'. She was so angry she could smack a bitch, and smack a bitch she would.

Yeah, Rainbow would be a good place to start.

Pinkie trotted outside and into the rain, hair all flat and stuff (that's just how fucked off she was) and walked straight under the cloud she knew Rainbow would be. She picked up a stone, and fucking launched it using her ridiculous earth pony strength, sending it straight up through the cloud and hitting Rainbow right between the wings.

The sheer force of the throw dissipated the cloud Rainbow was resting on, and caused her wings to tense up where the stone had hit between the muscles, sending her tumbling to the ground with a startled yelp. What a fantastic throw, what a great toss. Any baseballman would surely be impressed with the quality of such a drive.

"Ow! Pinkie, what the-MMPHP?!" Dash was silenced by Pinkie's hoof entering her mouth.

"You're coming with me!" she said, as she dragged the pegasus back into Sugarcube Corner by the jaw.

Once inside she locked the door and closed the curtains, before turning back to a very irate looking Rainbow.

"Okay Pinkie, what the hay is going on with you?"

Pinkie walked up to Rainbow with the biggest fucking scowl you've ever seen in your life, and smacked her right across the face with her absurd earth pony magic, knocking her to the ground.

"listen here u little shit" said Pinkie "im gonna fuck u up. Hard."

Pinkie grabbed Rainbow by her neck and began hitting her in the face over and over again, spraying blood and spit and teeth all over the room, like a Jackson Pollock, but with more bodily fluids. And teeth. Eventually Dash passed out, and Pinkie use the opportunity to tie her to a chair.

After a few minutes Rainbow started to come around again, and woke up to Pinkie staring at her intently.

"Pinkie, why are you doing this?! Let me go!" shouted Dash, struggling in her restraints.

"Shut it, you swollen face fuck!" roared Pinkie, slapping Rainbow's face some more. "You have pissed me off in an as-of-yet unidentified in the story reason, so I'm going to kill you!"

"What! Why?" protested Dash.

"Because the story says so." replied Pinkie, now wielding a pizza slicer. Look at this crazy ass bitch breaking the fourth wall like it’s some sort of cracker. What a whacky and clever character trait.

"Oh Pinkie, you're so random." chuckled Rainbow as Pinkie started going at her wing roots with the slicer.

Rainbows left wing fell off, followed by the right one shortly after, Rainbow protesting and screaming the entire time, the whiny bitch. Pinkie gathered them up and disappeared into another room, leaving Dash alone to think about what she had done. After about ten minutes Pinkie came back, carrying a pie, with Rainbow's now slightly singed wings sticking out from the top. What an edgy thing to do.

"Waste not want not I always say!" said Pinkie, taking a bite of the pie.

Pinkie threw the rest of the pie away, and resumed the beating and stabbing from earlier. Eventually, after Pinkie was done baking various pegasus parts into foodstuffs, she decided she was bored, and not as angry as she was anymore, so it was time for Rainbow Dash to go, which would be a lot harder than it would've been earlier, what with the horrific injuries and all.

"Well Dashie, guess it's time for you to go." said Pinkie, shoving various Rainbow Dash-based foods into Rainbow Dash's mouth.

The almost constant input of food was too much, and Rainbow just fucking exploded, like she stepped on a landmine or something but with more cakes, spraying rainbows and blood all over Sugarcube Corner.

"OH FOR FUCKS SAKE!" shouted an outraged Pinkie. "NOW I'VE GOT TO CLEAN ALL THIS SHIT UP! THAT MAKES ME SO FUCKING MAD."

"FUCKING FUCK FUCK!" she yelled, getting angrier and angrier. She just wanted to go to bed, but now she had to clean up this mess before the store opened tomorrow.

"ARRGHHG!"

Pinkie Pie was furious. She was fucking livid. If you saw her, you'd think 'fuck me, she's pissed. I'll stay out of her way'. She was so angry she could smack a bitch, and smack a bitch she would.

Yeah, AJ would be a good place to start.

Chapter 9: A Typical Shitty, Generic Second-Person Clopfic That Will Inevitably Be Featured Because Pathetic Losers Like You Like To Imagine Themselves Fucking Horses, Because No Human Female Would Even Come Close To You, You Fucking Autist

You're a fucking faggot.

Chapter 24: The Life And Times Of A Shitty Clopfic

It was a light Sunday afternoon. Yep, it was alright. You think I’m fuckin’ joking? You wanna take it up with me you fucking prick?

Pinkie Pie walked outside and watered some flowers or whatever. Suddenly, she thought, totally randomly, so this is in character, right

“Fuck, I wanna suck a huge dick.”

Shit, she’s fucking insane.

She ran after the first stallion she saw. His name was Whothe Fuckcares. He wanted to get away, but Pinkie grabbed that faggot and literally fucked him right there. Shit, lemme adjust my fedora. Usually, I’d make a huge long point about how she’s raping men, and how this is an infringement on men’s right *tip*, but I’m too busy beating off right now.

She had not had enough dick. Holy fuck she had not.

She ran to Rarity.

“Rarity grow a fucking dick thanks.”

“Okay.”

Pinkie was getting fucked and stuff

Shit I actually cannot be fucked writing anymore. Let’s just wait for this to get featured while I look up Rainbow Dash x 2 rottweilers on rule 34.