Slam!
Pinkamena Diane Pie's bedroom door shut firmly in a swift motion. Her back pressed against the hard wooden surface to secure it shut. Her breathing was shallow and almost silent as she stared into the blank emptiness of her room. Even thought she felt as though she'd finally escaped, she could still hear the faint voices of ponies arguing from the living room.
"Well it's true!" the angered stallion argued to his wife. "The damn kid doesn't do anything around here. She's too bucking concerned about living in her fantasy world that she doesn't do half the work her sisters do. She needs to get her head out of her ass and realize there are more things in life than just being happy all the time."
"She's only eight years-old! Give her a break!"
"Like she needs a break! All she ever does is slack off during work, and you act like it's okay. She needs to learn to toughen up and take on the world. How's she going to live as an adult if all she ever does is nothing?"
The young, pink filly flattened her ears as her father's voice crescendoed with each syllable. His anger was the pony's greatest fear, and something she avoided at all costs. That day, however, was just one of those days she'd have to deal with the verbal abuse. It was one of the days she'd lock herself in her room until dawn. A night she'd spend crying in her pillow, knowing that all bad things were her own fault. All of her family's misfortune, every outburst her father had, and every day not every last rock was harvested. There was always something she could have done to prevent the outcome. Even that night, as tears started to trickle from the corners of her light blue eyes, she thought of how every ounce of drama that night could have been spared if she'd just shut her big mouth.
"Why'd you have ta go and say somethin', Pinkie?" the little filly sobbed as she sniffed mucus back into her nose. "Y-you shoulda known he'd get mad."
Tears leaked from the pony's eyes as she gazed up at the setting sun out of her window. While the golden sunbeams often times reminded her of the beauty in the world, that evening they only taunted her with thoughts of her idea. It was that very sun that inspired her to ask her parents if they could have a family picnic that Sunday. That was when her father lectured her about the amount of work they needed to be doing. It eventually lead to insults and lashes at his youngest daughter for being the least productive member of the family. When he started yelling at Pinkie's mother for defending her, the innocent filly used the time to escape.
It's all your fault Mommy's being yelled at... she blamed herself with no mercy. If you weren't such a little brat, you wouldn't cause this to happen... I just wish Daddy wouldn't yell so much.
As the loud argument continued on, Pinkamenena felt even worse about what she'd done, and how her mother had to suffer through what she should have been. She just didn't understand how a stallion with such a caring wife could be so angry at the world.
You know how he is... He doesn't care about anything else but work. He only cares about bits and finances and stuff. He really doesn't care about his family... We're just there to help out... Nothing else, nothing more... The poor filly sighed. I doubt he even loves you.
"Of course you need to take responsibility for the little brat! You're the whore that brought her into this world!"
At the very word "brat" the young filly could do nothing but cry uncontrollable. The salty stream of tears started to run faster. Her eyes produced the emotional droplets faster than she could hardly keep up with.
"Stop daydreaming!"
"Don't you dare disrespect me, you insignificant brat!"
"Just shut up and listen for once!"
"Get your head out of your ass and do something productive for once!"
"You're lucky I haven't put you up for adoption with all the stuff you put as through!"
"Life isn't just lollipops and rainbows, Pinkamena!"
"I-I know, I know..." Pinkie muttered, responding to the disembodied voice of her father that lingered in her memories. As the screaming match in the living room continued, the depressed foal got up onto her hind legs and locked her bedroom door. Something about the click of the lock made her feel protected from the monster her father had turned into that night.
"I'm so sorry, Mommy..."
The young pony wiped her falling tears away and made her way over to her bed. Her soft sandwich of mattress and blankets was something that comforted her during similar evenings. It had the soft touch of her mother, and the comfort of a thousand sisters. She made her way up on it and lied down, weeping silently as she did. That time, she didn't really cuddle into anything. She simply gazed up at the ceiling, thinking about it all.
I don't know maybe Daddy's just stressed is all. I mean, Granny Pie always thought he was a nice guy. She always told me Pa was a hard-working stallion that did everything he could for his family. She always told me that he was just always stressed when we're not doing too well and such, but things can always get better... Pinkie Pie felt her tears starting to evaporate and a bit of hope filled her heart. Maybe he is a good pony... I mean, even if he is a little bit... mean sometimes.
The young pony sat up in her bed and sighed at the thought. She was never really sure what to think of her father. At times, he was nice and seemed to treat her mother well. He just seemed to have a very short temper, where the slightest imperfection could make explode into a volatile mess of anger. She never seemed to question whether if what she'd say or do would someone cause her father to loose it. It always made her feel stupid for not thinking ahead. Maybe she was stupid for not realizing that something was a bad idea to begin with.
Suddenly, in the middle of Pinkie's contemplation over who was in the right or wrong, something caught the filly's eye. From the corner of her vision, she could see a few glimpses of shining light near her nightstand. When she turned her head, she realized it was simply the sunset reflecting off the metal on her journal. It was a pink and purple-patterned notebook that her grandmother had got her for Hearth's Warming. Since Pinkie didn't go to school, she thought it'd help her learn to write. The young filly never really wrote in the book, but she liked to keep it nearby to remind her of her grandma.
"Remember, Pinkamena. If anything's every botherin' you, just write it down and it'll help you feel better. Trust me."
Even thought Pinkie always took Granny Pie's advice to heart, she never really considered telling all her problems to an inanimate object. Her grandmother was knowledgeable, though, and the worse that could come out of writing down her feelings was no change in her mood. Maybe, it would work and she could once again feel happy.
Curiously, the young filly picked up the journal and placed it in her lap. The floral patterns reminded her of the beach, while vivid colors reminded her of herself. On the side, there was a small hinge that could simply be unlocked by removing the pencil from between the two sections. When Pinkie did remove the pencil, she opened up the journal to the first page. It was nothing but empty lines waiting to be decorated with text. Not knowing how to start the entry, she simply put the date at the top.
March 13th
After that, she simply stared at the page, not knowing where to go with it. She didn't know how to start the whole thing, so she just started to write what was on her mind.
I love my dad. He's really nice most of the time, but sometimes he gets really mad and scary. Tonight he started yelling at me because I wanted to have a family picnic. Then he yelled at my mom. He calls her and me a lot of bad words when he screams. It makes me really sad when he yells at Mommy.
Pinkie Pie looked for a moment at the text she'd already written. To her, it was merely a summary of the day. That only brought tears to her eyes. She tried to carry on, thinking of more positive things to say.
I mean, he always seems nice other times. He just gets so mad, and I don't see why. Doesn't he love his family? I'm sure he does. Why would he make a family if he didn't love it? I mean, sometimes he just acts like such a meanie-head, I wonder if he really does love us... A single tear ran down the right side of Pinkie's face. It crawled down her cheek and splashed onto the paper below, staining it with water. I just don't understand how somepony could scream at a little pony like me... He's just so much bigger than me it's scary. It makes me feel helpless... I wonder if Mommy feels helpless when she gets yelled at by him, too. Why does he turn into a monster when he's mad?
Pinkie felt a little angered at the thought of him lashing out on his family. Why did they have to be victims of such a strong emotion? Why couldn't he just swallow his anger like she did sadness? Why was anger such a hard emotion to keep down? She never got that angry when she was upset...
Sometimes, he gets so angry he throws things... He once threw a potato at my mom when she defended one of us. How can he do that to sompony and still live with himself? How can he keep letting himself get mad? It's like he doesn't care if he's hurting us. It doesn't make sense to me...
Pinkie Pie flipped the page. She wasn't used to holding a pencil, and her letters were sloppy. Her jaw started to ache a bit, but she did have to admit that it almost felt good to write out her emotions. If she were lucky, maybe one day her dad would read it and realize how bad he'd been making her feel.
Maybe it's just a phase. Maybe he'll get over it. Pinkie smiled at the unrealistic thought. Her perfect reality was something she knew she'd have to write about. Maybe it'd put her in a positive mood. Maybe he'll realize that what he's doing is bad, and then he'll try to better for us. Maybe he'll think on the positive sides of things, and my sisters and me won't have to work all day in the fields! Maybe if he could just see how amazing life could be, he'd cheer up and be a happier pony. That probably won't happen, though... He'll probably die before that happens.
It was then, the filly's eyes went wide at the thought. Not so much at the thought of her father dying, but the shock that the thought didn't seem like a negative one to her. In fact, something about the thought of him passing on and just having a household to her sister and mom seemed surprisingly pleasant. But she couldn't actually want her father dead... could she?
"No, no... Don't think things like that."
Even with her demanding voice, she couldn't help but keep the thought on her mind. The thought of a peaceful household, where everypony was happy and not worried about being yelled at seemed kind of nice. It almost seemed ideal to have her father out of the picture.
No, don't think that way, Pinks. Daddy loves you.
Does he really? Somepony in the depths of her mind asked her. If he honestly loved you, then he wouldn't be constantly yelling at you. He's called you useless, stupid, and even an insignificant brat. When was the last time he said something positive about you?
The young filly thought for a moment, trying to recall any hint of a compliment she received from him. It was a bit hard to do, but then again, it was rare she even talked to her father. The very thought of the names was causing the earth pony to start crying again, realizing how rude he actually could be to her.
Why would he do this to me? she thought as tears started rolling down his face. Why does he think it's okay to take advantage of how defenseless and little I am? Why doesn't he think I'm delicate? Why can't I just be happy?
"Wh-why?" the young filly hissed out between a set of trembling lips. Why can't I be the daughter he wants?! He never treated Maud like this! What can I do to make him love me more?! I wish he knew what it was like to be me!
With the thought of her father in mind, the young pony angrily kicked her journal off her bed. The little book landed on the wooden floor with a thump. The sudden spike of energy and anger rushed through her blood and caused Pinkie to flip from the exciting feeling. She didn't care about it at the moment, though. She only cared about digging her hooves into the bed before her, clawing at the bed sheets and taking her anger out on something that couldn't feel. Her hooves aggressively pinched the blue blanket beneath her, squeezing it of life. She only imagined it being her father's neck. She imagined him beneath her, gagging for a chance to breath and struggling under her strength.
"What's it like to be helpless?!" she angrily asked her mental image. She could almost feel her body on top of his, sucking him of life and stripping him of his power over her. She imagined angrily punching him in the snout, causing blood to drip from his nostrils. She imagined pressing her hoof to his face and crushing it with as much force as she could. Something about it made her smile wickedly.
"What's it like to be defenseless?" The sheet between her hooves started getting more tangled and unhappy as it was squeezed, thrown, and punched by the angry eight year-old. With the image of her father beneath her, begging hopelessly for mercy she felt her hooves tighten and her eyes moisten with tears. As her heart pace started to slow from the rush, she let go of the stallion's "neck" and simply started banging her hooves against the mattress below. Her little hooves pounded on them over and over again. In her mind, she saw her father being hit repentantly. She saw his trembling hooves shoot up to his face to defend himself. She smiled at his weak attempt.
"What's it like to feel weak?" she growled with anger. Finally, her hooves pounded into the soft bed one last time. She was panting heavily from the rush of anger and energy, and she felt worn out. Her bed had received a good beating, and slowly, her heart started to return to its regular pace. She looked down at the mattress with tears invading her blue eyes. She quietly swept one of her bangs away from face and realized everything that had just happened. She let out a long, unhappy breath and sighed. She felt better after the strong release.
Alrighty, Pinkie... Just calm down and get yourself together. Everything will be okay...
Pinkie frowned as she hopped down from her bed. She quietly went over to her journal and picked it up, before hopping back onto her bed and looking at the second page. She only had one more sentence she knew she had to write, and it was one that she wanted her father to see more than anything else.
I don't hate Daddy, and I don't want to see him hurt, I just wanted him to know what it's like to be hurt by someone you love.
"Pinkamena..." The voice was followed by three loud knocks on the door. "Pinkamena Diane Pie, please open the door..."
Pinkie's blue eyes shot opened at the sound of her father's voice calling her through the other side of her door. After her meltdown, the young filly found herself passed out on the sheets, exhausted from her own emotions. In the craziness of the evening, she completely forgot to unlock her door in case somepony needed to come in. She immediately shot up to answer the door.
"Coming!" she called. Quickly, the filly shot up from her bed and hopped onto the floor. Her little hooves carried her to the other side of the room, where she swiftly undid the lock on her bedroom door and opened it. Standing on the other side was her father, who had a slight twinkle of sadness glimmering in his yellow eyes.
"A-are you okay?" he asked in a very gentle tone. Well, as gentle as the gravel in his voice would allow. The young filly looked up at her dad in an almost confused manner.
"Of course I am... Why wouldn't I be?"
"You... You just locked the door last night and I thought something awful had happened. Just glad to see you're alright."
The older pony tossed his daughter a sincere smile and knelt down closer to her.
"Listen, Sweet Pea. I know you must be overwhelmed with everything lately. It's just been real hard to get anything done since the parasprite invasion and all." The stallion frowned. "I just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry about yesterday and all. I feel real bad about the whole thing, and I just came up here to tell ya I love you."
Igneous smiled gently and brought his daughter into a hug. She felt her heart melt like butter at his apology, and her mouth turned into a smile. Maybe she was wrong about the whole thing. Maybe he was okay... Maybe, he did know how she felt. It was something she'd liked to believe. As long as nopony ever knew about how violent she'd acted the previous evening, she thought there was a slight possibility things could possibly work out between them.
"I-I love you too, Daddy..."
The stallion broke away from the embrace and looked at his child with a glimmer in his eyes. She smiled back, and her father cleared his throat to speak once more.
"So, uh... Wanna go down and help your mom in the kitchen?" Dumbly, the little filly nodded. She usually helped her mother bake, and actually thought it was pretty fun. Her father smiled widely at her and stood back up to his normal height.
"Good... Because it takes a lot more than one pony to plan a picnic."
Author's Note
Lately, I've been dealing with a lot of sadness and stress in my life, and I wrote this one shot to free some of the feelings I had as a young child. I hope you enjoyed, even if there wasn't too much to read.
