Destruction is a dish best served by an Espurr.
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And that's how Equestria was nearly destroyed!
Destruction is a dish best served by an Espurr.
DING! DING! DING!
Nothing like the sound of bells in the morning. In fact, those very bells were coming from Twilight’s castle, a very large castle that sat in the middle of Ponyville. Twilight had installed those bells on her door so she would know when somepony borrowed books from her. It was only a short incident, but she had counted three missing books on the history of Equestria just last week. It wasn’t an issue at first, but when she found out that nopony in all of Ponyville had taken them, she figured that she’d install the bells in case this book borrowing thief decided to come back.
Perhaps it had come back. Twilight rushed to the front room to find her thief. She was sure that it was the thief this time and it was.
Three of her History on Equestria books were coming in by themselves, but wait. They were floating off the ground. From behind the books peeked a small purple creature, who stared up at Twilight. It dropped the books it was carrying and came from behind the books. It stared up at Twilight with light purple irises and dark purple pupils. They were huge and adorable on its small fluffy purple body. It had two stubby arms that probably had small paws on the end. The end of its arms were white tipped. Its legs seemed to end at points rather than feet and were white tipped on the end too. Its ears were folded on the sides of its head and seemed to pressing into its head as if hiding something. It stared up at Twilight for more than a minute and with each growing second it became even more adorable than Twilight wanted to imagine.
“Did you borrow my books?” Twilight asked in a whisper. It looked at the books then went behind them again. It started to push them towards the book shelf. Once the books were close to the bookshelf, it stood in front of the shelf. It stared up at the books.
“Hey do you need help?” Twilight asked as she went up to bookshelf. It pointed up to a book and Twilight levitated the book of the shelf and towards the creature which gripped it tightly.
“What’s your name?” Twilight asked. It looked directly at her and for a second they both stared at each other.
“Espurr.” It said.
“Espurr. Huh. What a name.” Twilight said. Espurr began to walk away with the book as Spike walked out of the back. He slid to a stop as Espurr looked directly at him.
“Twilight! What is that thing doing in here?” He asked angrily.
“That’s Espurr!” Twilight said.
“Where’s the flamethrowers?” Spike asked quickly and looked around.
“What do you mean?” Twilight asked as Espurr began to adorably push its book towards the door.
“That thing needs to be burned with a flamethrower!” Spike shouted.
“Spike!” Twilight gasped. She looked over to make sure that Espurr didn’t hear that rude comment and thankfully it didn’t seem to.
“That thing is a monster! It will destroy Ponyville with its cuteness! Vast ancient cities have gone down because of that!” Spike whispered angrily. He pointed a shaking claw at Espurr who had somehow pried the large door open and was scooting its book outside.
“Sure.” Twilight rolled her eyes. “Do you get enough sleep at night, Spike?”
“I do!” Spike said. “And it’s not the comics either!” He added.
“Are you sure?” Twilight asked.
“Do you know where I packed the flamethrower?” Asked Spike.
“You’re a dragon, Spike.” Twilight laughed. Spike frowned.
“My flames will send it to Princess Celestia! There is no way the Princess will be able to resist its cuteness!” Spike said. Twilight kept smiling and chuckling. Spike snorted and stomped away. “Just great! It took the Burning Things for Idiots book!”
***
Espurr pushed its book through Ponyville. It kept going with no intentions of stopping. Around it many ponies stopped to stare at the creature who pulled the book through town with its tiny stubby white tipped paw things.
Spike followed from about a mile away, carrying his flamethrower that he finally found. It was a little rusty but could still work. He was rather glad to have bought it from Pinkie at a low price of twenty bits. Pinkie, who sold weapons of all sorts for ponies with special needs was happy to let him have it.
Slowly he carefully slipped in and out of alleyways of buildings, trying to make sure that the Espurr did not see him. The last time he met an Espurr, it burnt down part of Canterlot. It was a creature of unimaginable horror and paralyzed any unfortunate creature with its cute glaze. Only Spike who had remembered the horror that he had witnessed from it would withstand its cuteness. Everypony else had fallen prey.
Espurr had stopped. Spike stood frozen in his alleyway as it walked towards him. Had it spotted him and had now come to take its revenge? No… it was buying an apple from a nearby fruit stand. It sinisterly ate the apple while eyeing everypony who had stopped what they were doing to literally stare at the Espurr. It seemed to shrug then walk back to its book which it began to haul away at an incredible five miles per hour.
Spike was growing weary. It had been only fifteen minutes as he slowly followed the Espurr through Ponyville. He wondered if it would ever stop when it slowly came towards the dreadful Everfree Forest. Spike shuddered. The thing probably ruled the Everfree with an iron paw. Yet he was the only one who could save his friends. He was sure of it. Spike reluctantly followed it inside the dreaded forest as the town snapped out of its cuteness coma and went on with their lives.
Now that Spike had more undergrowth to hide under, he ran ahead of the creature until it came to a giant tree. It sat down beneath the tree and propped up the book against the tree.
“Espurr.” It spoke as its eyes glowed blue. The book glowed blue too and began to flip through the pages.
Spike knew this was the equivalent of Twilight’s magic. The creature was probably really powerful and could take Spike out if he wasn’t careful. So he hid in the undergrowth to watch its movements.
It flipped through the book until it came to a random page. The page showed three simple steps on how to start a fire with pictures. Espurr began to do as the book said. It broke two branches off the tree. The book showed matches, but Espurr held up the branches as if they were matches.
“Never!” Spike yelled and ran out of the bushes. It turned to stare at him as he flicked the on switch on his flamethrower and watched as… nothing happened. He frowned and flicked the switch back and forth.
“Uh oh.” He said and looked up to see what Espurr would do next. It walked up to him and hugged him. He waited for it to do something cruel or evil, but it just hugged him.
“Maybe you’re not so bad after all.” He said and hugged it back. It was like hugging a fluffy pillow. It smiled at him and dropped the branches. Then it let go and held out a flower.
“Whoa. For me?” He took the floor and sniffed it. “Thanks. Hey wait. Isn’t this poison joke?”
Spike’s world began to go dark and as he fell, he caught a glimpse of Espurr’s evil and disturbing grin.
***
With the sounds of screams, the smell of smoke and the orange flames tickling at the sky in the background, Espurr walked away from Ponyville. It grinned as it walked away from the flames. It carried a baseball bat in its tiny paws as it headed over the hills towards Canterlot.
***
Canterlot was a huge city. Espurr strolled through it. High class ponies that hardly paid attention to anything were now staring at the adorable Espurr. It happy skipped through the streets as it dragged its baseball bat through the town. Espurr hardly paid them any attention as it strolled into the middle of town. Its eyes glowed blue and all of the buildings around it grew blue in color. There was a sudden clicking sound like a match against a rock and all of the buildings caught on fire. The ponies were still motionless and stared at Espurr as their town burned down around them. One dark shadow moved out of the corner of Espurr’s eye and it turned around to face Spike.
Spike was covered in black ash. His eye was twitching and he held his flamethrower up with pride. He stood across the square as his mouth moved though no words could be heard. Espurr only blinked at him as he came closer.
“You!” Spike said and pointed at Espurr. Espurr only stared at him, unblinkingly, as he coughed at the smell of smoke of the burning buildings around them. “There are two of us. Only one will leave this place alive, buddy!”
“Espurr.” Espurr said. Spike frowned.
“So be it.” He said and raised his flamethrower in the air. “AHHHHHH!”
He ran straight for the creature and as soon as he was close enough, he flicked the on switch to his flamethrower. It worked this time and beautiful orange, yellow and red flames of death came out of the nozzle and straight towards Espurr. The flames went straight at Espurr then upward. Spike frowned as he watched the flames miss Espurr completely and fly straight into the air. It was using some kind of magical protection field.
He flicked his flamethrower off as Espurr only grinned, showing its sharp pearly whites. Its eyes glowed blue and Spike watched his flamethrower get pulled off him and crumpled into a mini ball the size of a tennis ball. He sadly sank to his knees as the buildings around him collapsed.
Espurr rose into the air. It floated above the burning buildings as it rose. Its purple fur began to blink red as if it was some kind of explosive. Perhaps it was. The wind began to pick up and storm clouds began to form above the city. Spike hoped it was rain to put out the fire, but somehow he knew it was much, much worse.
“Espurr. Espurr. Espurr.” Espurr chanted. “Espurr! Espurr! Espurr!”
Spike only watched in horror as Espurr began to blink red at an even faster pace. A swirl of wind and fire began to swirl around Espurr in a mini tornado of flames. Spike wondered if this would ever end when a beam of dark rings shot Espurr out of the sky. The clouds disappeared and Espurr fell to the ground. It looked angry and Spike turned to see that a black fox like creature had leapt out of the shadows. It growled at Espurr.
Espurr seemed frightened and Spike knew that if Espurr was scared, then this thing was a real force to be scared of. He just hoped that it was on his side.
It rushed past him towards the Espurr. It shot a beam of dark energy at the Espurr which exploded on contact. It rushed into the smoke that the explosion had let off and came back holding an unconscious Espurr. It rushed right past him again and back into the shadows where it came from.
“Whoa.” Spike said as he watched the creature go. “What just happened?”
***
“And that’s how Equestria was destroyed!” Pinkie said with a smile. She smiled at Scootaloo, Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle who all stared back at her with confused expressions. She grinned at them as Scootaloo blinked and looked at her friends who sat in the wagon with Pinkie.
“Does anypony remember how she got there?” Scootaloo asked in confusion. Apple Bloom shrugged.
“What was with that story anyways?” Sweetie Belle asked. “What’s an Espurr?”
“Huh.” Pinkie said with a tap at her chin. “I don’t know!”
“You’re so random sometimes, Pinkie.” Apple Bloom said. “Now who’s ready to get their cutie marks in roller coaster test subject?”
“We are!” Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle both said as they rocked their wagon back and forth over the edge of the steep cliff.
“Alright, let’s take our parachutes just in case.” Apple Bloom said. “Where are they?”
“Espurr.”
“Oh thank you!” Sweetie Belle said as she took the parachutes from the polite purple fluffy creature with the round, light purple eyes. “Let’s get ready to lift off!”
“Or drop off.” Scootaloo muttered and stared at the purple creature for a second. “Hey guys, who’s that?”
“Who’s what?” Apple Bloom asked and looked at the creature who held up a white flag. “Oh that’s Popcorn. She said she’d help us out.”
“By doing what?” Sweetie Belle asked. “And I don’t remember asking her to help us. And what is she?”
“That’s an Espurr!” Pinkie screeched and ran. They watched her run off before turning to look at Popcorn who had moved to the back of the wagon to push them off.
“That was weird.” Scootaloo said. “Now let’s go in one, two three…!”
Popcorn pushed them off the edge and let the wagon fall. It smiled as they went down then turned towards Ponyville. Ponyville reflected back in its eyes, except the town was on fire…
