Apples and Honesty

by ExOttoyuhr

Rating: everyone
Tags: Slice of Life
Length: 1966

Applejack was mistaken about which element she bears.

When an exasperated Rarity calls her out in a poker game, Applejack discovers that she doesn't have the element she thought she had.

(For the purposes of this story, assume that Equestrian verbs aren't inflected for number.)

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-02-21 23:50:02 UTC

Horse Noises

Twilight Sparkle turned up the last card to be revealed in this hand: the nine of hearts, which joined the two of suns, five and ten of spears, and princess of moons.

Rarity sighed theatrically. With the five and nine of suns, she would certainly win, but why must all the hands they played be so prosaic? When a story featured poker, a straight flush or royal flush would be a common event, and a straight or a full house would be unremarkable; but here? She and her friends could sleep over in Sugarcube Corner until the night before next year's Winter Wrap-Up, and they still wouldn't play one hand worth talking about.

Twilight looked hard at her cards, the other players (Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy had already folded in this hand), and her dwindling pile of chips. "I fold."

Applejack looked hard at Rainbow Dash and Rarity. "Stay."

Rainbow Dash, hovering over her seat, looked at her cards. Her face stayed neutral -- her whole body stayed neutral, to her immense credit -- but knowing Rainbow Dash, Rarity suspected that that last card had been bad news for her, and now she was going to bluff.

Rainbow landed. "Raise by two chips."

"Raise by three chips," Rarity declared. Victory was assured, after all.

"Ah Ain't got nothin'," Applejack said, "but what th' hay. Call."

"Raise by a chip," Rainbow said, still on the ground.

It was time to end this. "Raise by fourteen chips," Rarity declared, levitating the rest of her pile into the pot.

"Mighty bored of this game anyways," Applejack said. (But was that a hint of a smile on her lips?) "Call."

"I fold," Rainbow Dash said, tossing her cards to Twilight to be shuffled back into the deck.

"Well then," Rarity said. "Let's see what we've got. Two pair for me." She tossed her head proudly.

Applejack smirked, leaned back in her chair, and tossed her cards on the table. Princess Celestia and Princess Cadence -- the deck was cloyingly patriotic, but predated Twilight's coronation -- smiled up at the world.

"Three princesses," Rarity said. "Three. PRINCESSES. And here you said you were bored, and you had nothing. Applejack, that was a very low blow, particularly for the Bearer of [3/4-second whinny cut short][right-ear flick]."

Applejack smirked in that infuriating way she had, still lounging in her chair. "Y'all don't like the game, y'all don't have to play." She came back up to a more normal position. "But Ah don't get what [3/4-second whinny][right-ear flick] have t' do with it. That some kinda big-city thing?"

"Applejack." Rarity put both hooves on the table and loomed towards the farmpony. "You are SUPPOSED to be the Bearer of [3/4-second whinny cut short][right-ear flick]. You just won a game of Dodge Junction Hold 'Em with FLAGRANT. BRAZEN. LIES. How can you NOT SEE that there is some sort of contradiction there?!"

Applejack blushed and rubbed her neck with her right forehoof. "Well, Ah admit it ain't somethin' Ah'm proud of, but it's how ya play th' game, an' Ah don't get what it has t' do with [3/4-second whinny][right-ear flick]. Now, [sudden lash of tail][3/4-second whinny][right-ear flick] Ah could see carin' about all this, but ordinary [3/4-second whinny][right-ear flick] ain't exactly got ears."

Rarity just stared. "And what, pray tell, is zap [3/4-second whinny cut short][right-ear flick]?"

Applejack blinked. "That's what we make inta jam, remember? We sell Filthy Rich a hundred jars a year? Princess Celestia once got caught eatin' it straight outta th' jar?" Neither Applejack nor Rarity noticed Twilight's shame-faced attempt to stop them at that point. "Most famous product of Ponyville, 'part from somepony's dresses and somepony else's modellin' photos?"

Fluttershy gave a faint squeak and hid under the table.

"Applejack..." Rarity fumed. "One cannot make jam out of [3/4-second whinny cut short][right-ear flick]. What will you propose next, distilling loyalty into hard liquor?" (Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie shared a whisper, an elbow nudge, and a titter.) "Pickling generosity?" (Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash shared a whisper, an elbow nudge, and a titter.) "Shall Savoir Fare offer friendship-and-daisy sandwiches? For all that I respect your livelihood, dear Applejack, you surely understand that a concept of moral philosophy is something other than a food product!"

"Rarity," Applejack said, evenly, "Ah have absolutely no idea what y'all are talkin' about."

Rarity deflated somewhat, and returned to her chair, favoring Applejack with a disgusted huff.

A long moment of silence ensued.

"I think," Twilight said, "that I might understand what's going on.

"Applejack, when you kick a tree in your orchard during harvesting season, what are you trying to knock down?"

"[3/4-second whinny][right-ear flick]," Applejack said.

"And when you tell the truth and have fair dealings with other ponies, what's that called?"

"[3/4-second whinny][right-ear flick]."

Twilight clapped her hooves together. "See, Rarity? It's just how Applejack pronounces these things! [3/4-second whinny][right-ear flick] and [3/4-second whinny cut short][right-ear flick] sound the same when she's saying them!"

"Hold on there, Twi," Applejack said. "Y'all really mean... Ah've been the bearer of" -- she cleared her throat, and used a careful pronunciation -- "[3/4-second whinny cut short][right-ear flick] all this time? As in, tellin' the whole truth an' doin' right by others?"

"Of course!" Twilight said. "What element did you think you had?"

"T' be honest, [3/4-second whinny][right-ear flick].

"Ah never did quite get why. Sure, it's hard t' be friendly when you're starvin', an' a good meal can bring ponies closer together, but [3/4-second whinny][right-ear flick] always seemed awful specific -- like the universe was seein' just how one-trick of a pony it could make me.

"But if Ah'd known Ah was bearin' [3/4-second whinny][right-ear flick], well... that time in Dodge Junction, an' that surprise party, an' on th' road trip, an' th' whole Mare-Do-Well business...

"Well... if Ah'd known that, Ah might've been a slightly different pony."

Rarity, still out of the game, just slouched and fumed.

What Applejack Heard

"Three princesses," Rarity said. "Three. PRINCESSES. And here you said you were bored, and you had nothing. Applejack, that was a very low blow, particularly for the Bearer of Apples."

Applejack smirked, still lounging in her chair. "Y'all don't like the game, y'all don't have to play." She came back up to a more normal position. "But Ah don't get what apples have t' do with it. That some kinda big-city thing?"

"Applejack." Rarity put both hooves on the table and loomed towards the farmpony. "You are SUPPOSED to be the Bearer of Apples. You just won a game of Dodge Junction Hold 'Em with FLAGRANT. BRAZEN. LIES. How can you NOT SEE that there is some sort of contradiction there?!"

Applejack blushed and rubbed her neck with her right forehoof. "Well, Ah admit it ain't somethin' Ah'm proud of, but it's how ya play th' game, an' Ah don't get what it has t' do with apples. Now, zap apples Ah could see carin' about all this, but ordinary apples ain't exactly got ears."

Rarity just stared. "And what, pray tell, are zap apples?"

Applejack blinked. "That's what we make inta jam, remember? We sell Filthy Rich a hundred jars a year? Princess Celestia once got caught eatin' it straight outta th' jar?" Neither Applejack nor Rarity noticed Twilight's shame-faced attempt to stop them at that point. "Most famous product of Ponyville, 'part from somepony's dresses and somepony else's modellin' photos?"

Fluttershy gave a faint squeak and hid under the table.

"Applejack..." Rarity fumed. "One cannot make jam out of apples. What will you propose next, distilling loyalty into hard liquor?" (Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie shared a whisper, an elbow nudge, and a titter.) "Pickling generosity?" (Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash shared a whisper, an elbow nudge, and a titter.) "Shall Savoir Fare offer friendship-and-daisy sandwiches? For all that I respect your livelihood, dear Applejack, you surely understand that a concept of moral philosophy is something other than a food product!"

"Rarity," Applejack said, evenly, "Ah have absolutely no idea what y'all are talkin' about."

Rarity deflated somewhat, and returned to her chair, favoring Applejack with a disgusted huff.

A long moment of silence ensued.

"I think," Twilight said, "that I might understand what's going on.

"Applejack, when you kick a tree in your orchard during harvesting season, what are you trying to knock down?"

"Apples," Applejack said.

"And when you tell the truth and have fair dealings with other ponies, what's that called?"

"Honesty."

Twilight clapped her hooves together. "See, Rarity? It's just how Applejack pronounces these things! Apples and honesty sound the same when she's saying them!"

"Hold on there, Twi," Applejack said. "Y'all really mean... Ah've been the bearer of" -- she cleared her throat, and used a careful pronunciation -- "honesty all this time? As in, tellin' the whole truth an' doin' right by others?"

"Of course!" Twilight said. "What element did you think you had?"

"T' be honest, apples.

"Ah never did quite get why. Sure, it's hard t' be friendly when you're starvin', an' a good meal can bring ponies closer together, but apples always seemed awful specific -- like the universe was seein' just how one-trick of a pony it could make me.

"But if Ah'd known Ah was bearin' _honesty_, well... that time in Dodge Junction, an' that surprise party, an' on th' road trip, an' th' whole Mare-Do-Well business...

"Well... if Ah'd known that, Ah might've been a slightly different pony."

Rarity, still out of the game, just slouched and fumed.

What Rarity Heard

"Three princesses," Rarity said. "Three. PRINCESSES. And here you said you were bored, and you had nothing. Applejack, that was a very low blow, particularly for the Bearer of Honesty."

Applejack smirked in that infuriating way she had, still lounging in her chair. "Y'all don't like the game, y'all don't have to play." She came back up to a more normal position. "But Ah don't get what honesty has t' do with it. That some kinda big-city thing?"

"Applejack." Rarity put both hooves on the table and loomed towards the farmpony. "You are SUPPOSED to be the Bearer of Honesty. You just won a game of Dodge Junction Hold 'Em with FLAGRANT. BRAZEN. LIES. How can you NOT SEE that there is some sort of contradiction there?!"

Applejack blushed and rubbed her neck with her right forehoof. "Well, Ah admit it ain't somethin' Ah'm proud of, but it's how ya play th' game, an' Ah don't get what it has t' do with honesty. Now, zap honesty Ah could see carin' about all this, but ordinary honesty ain't exactly got ears."

Rarity just stared. "And what, pray tell, is zap honesty?"

Applejack blinked. "That's what we make inta jam, remember? We sell Filthy Rich a hundred jars a year? Princess Celestia once got caught eatin' it straight outta th' jar?" Neither Applejack nor Rarity noticed Twilight's shame-faced attempt to stop them at that point. "Most famous product of Ponyville, 'part from somepony's dresses and somepony else's modellin' photos?"

Fluttershy gave a faint squeak and hid under the table.

"Applejack..." Rarity fumed. "One cannot make jam out of honesty. What will you propose next, distilling loyalty into hard liquor?" (Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie shared a whisper, an elbow nudge, and a titter.) "Pickling generosity?" (Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash shared a whisper, an elbow nudge, and a titter.) "Shall Savoir Fare offer friendship-and-daisy sandwiches? For all that I respect your livelihood, dear Applejack, you surely understand that a concept of moral philosophy is something other than a food product!"

"Rarity," Applejack said, evenly, "Ah have absolutely no idea what y'all are talkin' about."

Rarity deflated somewhat, and returned to her chair, favoring Applejack with a disgusted huff.

A long moment of silence ensued.