Caught Between a Rock and a Pie

by Calm Wind

Rating: teen
Tags: Pinkie Pie, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance, Braeburn, Random, Adventure, Maud Pie
Length: 9211

Braeburn can't forget his past mistakes... but what happens when Pinkie and Maud take him on an adventure? It’s okay to have regrets. Just remember to learn from them and then move on. Enjoy life, find your happiness, and most of all… smile!

No matter how hard he tries, Braeburn can’t forget the bad choices he made that forced him to leave Appleloosa… BUT FORGET THAT! There’s an emergency! Maud Pie arrives in town with SHOCKING news! Pinkie Pie needs Braeburn if she is to help her poor, over dramatic sister! It’s time for an adventure! It’s gonna ROCK! And we’ve got cupcakes! (Braeburn is doomed)

A story about enjoying life. We all have done things we regret, but the important thing is to keep on living, find what makes us happy, and more importantly, makes us smile.

Edited by: Lucky424

Featuring in chapter art by: eveyannie

Published 2015-02-23 03:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-02-23 03:20:02 UTC

Chapter 1

(One month after That's Not Quite How He Told It...)
(Around the same time as the events of The Flaws Of Perfection)

(For timeline info, please visit my homepage)

The morning sun squeaked through the windows—

“Psssssst…”

… THE MORNING SUN squeaked through the wind—

“Psssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssst…”

THE… MORNING… SUN…

“I know you can hear me Sillypotamus!”

I didn’t even get a full sentence out this time… What is it Pinkie?

“Who’s this story gonna be about?!”

If I’m letting you be self-aware, who do you think it’s about?

“If I’m letting you see me, why am I asking?”

Wait what?

“EXACTLY! OO! Can I write it?! Nopony writes Pinkie Pie like Pinkie Pie! Not even Pinkie Pie!”

Actually…

“DRAMATIC GASP! YOU’RE GONNA LET ME!?”

No I’m going to let Pinkie Pie.

“Awww… but I’m much better than myself!”

But yourself isn’t as good as yourself.

“I know that silly and—heeeyyyyyyyy! Trying to outthink the pink? You sir, are an amateur and a fool!”

It was worth a shot, now go along into the story Pinkie… and… I actually may need you at some point, I was serious about that.

“WOOHOO!”

The things I put up with…

The morning sun squeaked through the windows, filling a dark room with just enough light to dispel the night and welcome the dawn. A single, thin sunbeam found its way between the curtains and directly into the eyes of a slumbering pony.

“Mmm…” the pony stirred in their sleep and instinctively rolled over, but… “WHOA—OW!”

“Braeburn?” the door to the room swung open, spilling light from the hallway into the room and revealing Applejack in the doorway. She blinked as Braeburn came into view. He was upside down, tangled in his bed sheets against the side of his bed. The back of his neck was against the floor and his new hat floated down, landing on his face.

“I need a bigger bed…” he sighed.

“Y’gotta stop apple buckin’ in yer sleep,” Applejack chuckled. Braeburn reached up and pushed his hat off his face as he slid out of the bed sheets and got to his hooves.

“Why does that sound so wrong?” he asked as he rose. Applejack flattened her brow and shook her head.

“Gutterbrained stallions…” she grumbled as she turned. “We’ve got a lot of work t’do today, so get a move on!” she ordered before leaving.

Braeburn smiled as he shook his mane out and went about his room, getting ready for the day. He loved messing with Applejack, she was so easy to put off. Sometimes it ended with her forcing him down and sitting her plot down on his back, but it was priceless. With Mac never saying a word, Braeburn was surprised Applejack hadn’t gone insane here on the farm with nopony trying to keep a fun, casual air about them.

Life had been good living with his cousins. He was working hard and earning his keep. Ponyville was a mighty nice little town as well. Very friendly and welcoming with lots of great ponies around.

Braeburn slid his arms into his vest and balanced his new hat on his head that he had bought the other day. Before heading down to breakfast, he took a look at himself in the mirror hanging on the wall.

However… the sight made him frown. The reason he bought the hat was because it reminded him of the old one he used to wear in Appleloosa. He didn’t expect his old look to… heavily remind him of the past.

Who was he kidding? It wasn’t just the hat. He hadn’t gone a single morning since his disastrous mistake without thinking about it. The blunder that led him to be driven from the very town he was so proud of founding. How does one bounce back from such a terrible mistake? Sure, Granny Smith wrote a very angry letter to their relatives in Appleloosa, but it didn’t change the fact that he violated the sacred ground of the buffalo and nearly destroyed the warm relationship the ponies and buffalo shared as a consequence.

He deserved the punishment he got… and he would have to live with it.

“BRAEBURN!!!!” Applejack yelled up the stairs.

“HOLD YERSELF A.J.!” he yelled out his door before taking another look at the mirror. He shook his head and sighed before turning and leaving his room behind.

It was time for another day of work… work that he wouldn’t be doing if he didn’t make such a stupid choice.

MLP: FiM
Caught Between a Rock and a Pie
By: Calm Wind
Chapter 1:

“OOF!” Braeburn grunted as he dropped to the ground in the storage barn., the two apple baskets in his saddle harness plopping down with him, an apple or two spilling out and rolling around him.

“A.J.! He’s down again!” Rainbow Dash yelled from behind him as she emptied her baskets and reattached them to her harness.

“Again?!” Applejack yelled as she stepped into the barn with her own baskets of apples.

“Down for the count triple knock out, the match goes to the apples…” Dash joked as she passed by Applejack.

Braeburn sighed as he struggled to stand back up. Just great, now he had their resident super pegasus mare making fun of him. Her and her strength training routines… as shameful as he felt for letting a non-earth pony out work him, he just wasn’t feeling it.

“Whoa! YIPE!” Thunderlane suddenly fell beside him while trying to not spill the single basket of apples he had been gliding along with. At least Braeburn wasn’t the only one having some issues.

“Hey now! Careful there, Thunderlane!” Applejack suddenly rushed in front of Braeburn and helped Thunderlane up.

“No worries, just lost my grip on it,” Thunderlane chuckled before flapping his wings and going on his way. Applejack turned and looked at Braeburn as he lay on the floor, giving little effort to stand, drenched in sweat.

Oh, great… here comes some sort of lecture. Braeburn wasn’t really in the mood, he was too frustrated by his own troubles. Applejack should worry more about her stupid coltfriend gliding around with apple baskets. He could manage.

“Braeburn, you feelin’ alright?” Applejack asked, acting the opposite of what he expected. She reached down and hoisted up one of the apple baskets for him.

“I’m fine,” he quickly replied as Applejack turned and dumped the contents of the basket into a large storage container. No one else needed to know his troubles.

“That’s a load of crap, Braeburn,” she quickly retorted. Braeburn looked up quickly as Applejack walked up to him and leaned her head down. “You haven’t been yerself lately. We c’n see it from a mile away, I dunno what it is, but knowin’ you, ya won’t talk about it,” she said as she looked up at all the apples they had brought in over the course of the morning. “Ya know what? Just take a load off, we’ve made good time this mornin’. Let us handle the rest.”

“What?!” Braeburn stood up quickly, but Applejack shook her head.

“Cousin, I know better than anypony how bad it is to keep workin when yer not all there,” she said while pointing to her head. “Sit yer plot down on a bale of hay or somethin’ and rest up.”

“Applejack! I’m—”

“Not fine!” she cut him off while headbutting him lightly. “Now REST!” she pushed him away from his apple baskets and pointed towards the hay bales opposite of the apple storage crates.

Before Braeburn could fight her any further, she was already out the door and going back to work.

“Dammit…” Braeburn muttered as he looked over at the bales of hay. It was hot outside, the work was tiring, and he couldn’t concentrate. He was having trouble doing the job that was synonymous with his family name. With the cover of the barn shielding him from the sun, perhaps a rest and a moment to clear his head was what he really needed.

His thoughts swirled as he stepped towards the hay, wondering why he just couldn’t move on. He was too proud. Too proud at how much he accomplished in so little time. Proud to the point where he lowered himself to making shortcuts in order to save himself… and it only got him burned.

Braeburn sighed as he removed his hat and flopped down on his back on a pile of hay next to the stacked bales. Pinkie Pie had managed to help him back on his hooves when he first arrived, but it felt only temporary. It wasn’t long until he was back to feeling like a failure, even if he did have family around him for support.

Why couldn’t he find anything to be happy about?

“You’re killing me Calm… lemme at him!”

Actually… you missed your entrance Pinkie…

“I oughtta go slap a smile on his sorry—WAIT WHAT?!”

Yeah you were supposed to burst into the barn about ten seconds ago.

“AH! NO TIME TO USE THE FRONT DOOR!”

Huh? PINKIE WAIT—

“BITE YOUR PILLOW! I’M GOING IN FROM THE SKY!”

Aaaaaand she’s gone…

“Huh?” Braeburn looked up as his ears picked up a high pitched noise. It sounded like a distant, high pitch, squealing noise… and it was getting louder and louder as if it was falling towards the—

A small portion of the roof over Braeburn’s head gave way with a loud CRASH.

“WHAT THE F—”

“INCOMING!!!!!!!!!!” Pinkie pie yelled as she laid out spread-eagle, and landed right on top of Braeburn.

“WHOA!” Braeburn grunted as Pinkie struck him, her body making a loud noise similar to a squeak toy as the force of her fall pushed them both into the thick of the hay pile. Braeburn flailed as he came to his senses, pushing and throwing the hay off of him until his head emerged from the pile. “Pinkie Pie?! What are you—” Braeburn was cut off as Pinkie fired upward out of the hay and landed on the bale beside him. She grabbed the edges of his vest.

“THERE’S NO TIME!” she yelled in his face, making his mane blow back. She grabbed his hat off the ground and stuffed it back on his head. “WE NEED YOUR HELP!” she yanked him out of the hay and started dragging him towards the apple carts lined up against the side wall.

“We?” Braeburn tried to asked but before he could react to anything he was being hooked up to one of the small apple carts that was generally used for taking apples into town. “Pinkie, what’s going on?” he calmed down and asked casually.

Braeburn had actually spent a good amount of time with Pinkie since his arrival in Ponyville. She was his first good friend in town after all and helped him get back on his hooves. He had grown accustomed to her randomness… not quite so weirded out by it as most but that never stopped her from finding some way to surprise him.

“YES! WE!” she said while jumping onto his back instead of getting into the cart. “HYA!” she said while giving him light kicks to the side.

“Ow! Ow! Okay! We’re going!” he flinched as he started trotting.

He had absolutely no idea what was going on… but apparently Pinkie needed his help. Applejack forced him to stop working for the rest of the morning, so whatever, he had time to help a friend in need…

Only… Celestia knows what it was Pinkie Pie had in store…

---To Be Continued---

Author's Note

Oh boy...

Chapter 2

MLP: FiM
Caught Between a Rock and a Pie
By: Calm Wind
Chapter 2:

(WARNING! FROM THIS POINT ON, THE STORY IS DELIBERATELY NONSENSICLE. YOU HAVE BEEN ~~PINKED~~ WARNED)

Pinkie rode on Braeburn's back all the way into town and to Sugar Cube Corner. Braeburn was less surprised that they ended up there, more surprised that Pinkie somehow managed to jump off his back and pull him out of the harness at the same time. The cart fell away from him and parallel parked itself between two of the tables out front as Pinkie dragged Braeburn into the bakery.

“So are ya gonna tell me why I’m here now or do I have t’just sit back and enjoy the show?” Braeburn asked with a chuckle, knowing he was in for some sort of silliness. Pinkie grabbed him by the vest and shook him.

“If only you knew! IF ONLY YOU KNEW!!!!!” she wailed while slowly sliding down and falling face first to the floor.

“I’d know if ya told me…” Braeburn scratched the back of his head as he tried to figure things out. Popped up from the floor and got in his face.

“We’ve lost a good soldier! Maud! TELL HIM!!!!!!” Pinkie yelled.

“Maud?” Braeburn blinked and glanced around. “WAH!” he yelped as there was suddenly a grey mare with a straight greyish-violet mane. She wore a bluish-grey frock and an incredibly blank expression on her face as she stood right next to him.

Braeburn put a hoof over his heart and took a few steps back, startled and confused as to how the mare had suddenly appeared beside him. She looked like she hadn’t moved for hours. How did he walk in and not notice her standing there like she was just a rock on the side of the road or something?

“Hi,” said the mare in a monotone voice, her body language and expression remaining incredibly stiff as Pinkie dragged herself along the floor, wailing and crying as she hoisted herself up and draped her body over the grey mare’s back.

“This is my sister MAUD!!!!!” Pinkie shouted dramatically.

“Er…” Braeburn glanced between the two. Pinkie Pie’s sister? They couldn’t look or be acting any more differently…

“I like rocks,” Maud added plainly.

“Right… howdy… I’m Braeburn…” Braeburn answered. “And I like… apples?” he decided to add since she so eagerly told him her singular interest. Braeburn glanced at Pinkie as she continued flail while balanced on her sister’s back.

“She just arrived to pay me a visit!” Pinkie cried “But… But…”

“Boulder fell off the train on the way here,” Maud cut in, again her tone note changing at all, nor showing any emotion. Pinkie fell off Maud’s back, slumped on the floor, and willingly bumped her head against the floor.

“OH, THE PONANITY!!!!!” Pinkie cried out. “He’s surely out there somewhere! He could be hurt! Oh, this is tragic! My sugar high brain can’t take it!” Pinkie’s arm extended, stretched all the way into the kitchen, and came back holding a tray full of cupcakes. Pinkie sat up and began stuffing her face with them as tears flowed from her eyes like waterfalls, but stopping at the edge of her face instead of falling to the floor.

“I’m sad,” Maud claimed despite not moving a single muscle in her face.

Braeburn tried breaking down what he knew so far.

This was Pinkie Pie’s sister. She was Pinkie’s polar opposite. She had just come into town… but on the way she lost who Braeburn assumed was her travel companion… a pony named Boulder.

“THIS IS NO TIME FOR TEARS MAUD!” Pinkie shot up and grabbed her sister’s face. “PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER!!!!!!!!” she demanded as Maud blinked once.

“Do you think he’s alright?” Maud asked.

“YOU BET YOUR ROCK HARD PLOT HE IS!” Pinkie pounded her chest. “And we’re gonna find him! Dry those tears Maud! Braeburn is here to help us!”

“I am? WHOA!” Braeburn yelped as Pinkie grabbed his vest and dragged him back outside. Once out, she whistled and the cart unparked itself, and rolled up to them. Before Braeburn could blink, he was back in the harness. He turned around and saw Maud sitting in the cart and Pinkie dropped from above, landing beside her while clapping her hooves with excitement.

“Adventure time!” Pinkie yelled cheerfully. “We must save Boulder! We’re his only hope!” she proclaimed.

“Uh…” Braeburn’s ears flopped down. “Why exactly do I have t’come along?” an adventure wasn’t really the first thing on his ‘want to do’ list at the moment. Frankly he was too busy trying to figure himself out.

“WHY?!” Pinkie was suddenly in front of him.

“BECAUSE IT’S DANGEROUS TO GO ALONE!” Pinkie yelled as Maud was suddenly standing beside her.

“Take this…” Maud suggested while reaching forward and fastening a pebble glued to a baby pin to Braeburn’s vest.

One thing was clear about Maud. She was the opposite of Pinkie in every way… but she seemed able to disappear and reappear randomly just like Pinkie. By the time Braeburn finished looking at the new ‘pebble badge’ that was on his vest Pinkie and Maud were already in the cart, and a pair of reins had appeared on the harness, attached to Braeburn.

“ONWARD! TO VICTORY!” Pinkie yelled while shaking the reins.

“Let’s rock,” Maud added.

Realizing he had no say and definitely no way out of this, Braeburn gave in and started walking slowly.

“WHOA! We’ve got a wild one here! Whoa! WHOOOOOAAA!!!!” Pinkie yanked on the rein, tugging at Braeburn.

“This cart rocks too much,” Maud complained monotonously.

“I AGREE!” Pinkie yelled. “Time for plan B!” she proclaimed, giving the reins an incredibly hard yank.

“YIKES!” Braeburn yelped as he suddenly lifted off the ground, detached from the harness and flew backwards, landing face first in a pile of hay that wasn’t in the cart when they left Sweet Apple Acres. Braeburn flailed about in the hay, sticking his head out of the top and spitting a mouthful of hay.

“It’s a good thing I always keep my PARTY JETS on hoof!” Pinkie exclaimed as Braeburn looked towards her. Pinkie reached behind herself and pulled out two enormous cylinders that looked like double sided party cannons. She fastened them to both sides of the cart.

“Yay, dangerous custom attachments,” Maud ‘cheered’ as Braeburn pulled himself from the hay.

“Pinkie,” Braeburn sighed. As much as he appreciated Pinkie getting him involved with her fun, he wasn’t in the mood. She wouldn’t like it, but he just wanted to go back to the farm and relax.

“LIKE HELL YOU’RE GONNA RELAX!” Pinkie yelled in his face.

“Wait, WHAT?!” Braeburn didn’t even SAY it. Did she read his thoughts!? THAT wasn’t creepy or anything.

Pinkie turned around and stomped her hoof on the floor of the cart. A wooden post popped up at the front of the cart. Pinkie reached into the pile of hay behind them and pulled out a large wooden steering wheel akin to those found on a ship. She smashed it against the post and gave it a spin. The cart started spinning uncontrollably.

“WHOA!” Braeburn yelled as he grabbed the side of the cart and held on tight. Pinkie grabbed the wheel and stopped it from spinning, causing the cart to stop spinning as well. Pinkie’s mane had puffed up some more as her eyes spun and Maud sat completely still only with her mane over her eyes.

“YEEEEAH!” Pinkie cheered. “The marvels of modern engineering! Alright let’s get this puppy moving!” she yelled while pulling a long string that was attached to the two ‘party jets.’ They fired in the wrong direction, sending the cart backwards and smashing into the side of Sugar Cube Corner.

Braeburn, Pinkie, and Maud all flew backwards into the pile of hay. They all popped their head out, Braeburn glaring at Pinkie as they did.

“Oops! I think I put them on backwards… hee hee!” Pinkie giggled as Braeburn sighed. He was definitely not getting out of this.

“We’re off to a rocky start,” Maud commented. Pinkie pointed at her and gave her the stink eye.

“GIRL! CALM YOUR ROCKS!” she demanded as she reached out and smacked both party jets so they turned around. “And HERE! WE! GO!!!!!” she yelled as she reached for the string.

“Celestia, gimme strength…” Braeburn rolled his eyes as her grabbed the side of the cart.

The party jets fired, this time behind them, sending the carts from zero to sixty in sugar faster than a fat free cupcake.

“IF SUCH A THING EXISTS!” yelled Pinkie as the cart cleared the edge of town in seconds, Braeburn hung on for dear life, and Maud remained sitting perfectly still in the center of the cart.

“Wheeeeeeeee…”

“Darn! Where was he hiding! I swear these cops get craftier every year!” Pinkie whined as they suddenly came to a stop after traveling for only about a minute down the road from Ponyville.

Once Braeburn was done pulling half of his mane out of his mouth, he looked behind the pile of hay to see a police Pegasus slowly walking towards them wearing a hat that was blinking blue and red lights.

“Gosh darn it Pinkie Pie, now you’re getting’ us in trouble?” Pinkie Pie had led him on trails of random and silly events in the past, but this was already turning out to be by far the weirdest… and to top it off, it was getting them in trouble?

“Shhhhh chill out guys, I got this!” Pinkie blinked and looked at Maud. “SERIOUSLY MAUD! SETTLE DOWN!”

“Okay.”

“Pinkie, we can’t mess with a cop, that’s—” Braeburn was cut off as Pinkie stuffed a hoof in his mouth.

“Oh you BET I can! Just leave it to me! The Pink won’t let this ship sink!” she reached into the pile of hay and pulled out three bundles of clothes. “Everypony hold still!” Pinkie yelled as she went to Braeburn first.

“Yikes!” Braeburn yelped as Pinkie hit him over the head with the clothes. When he opened his eyes he looked down to see he was wearing a long brown robe and a fake white beard. He looked up to see Pinkie and Maud wearing something entirely different. Maud also had a fake beard, only it was much bushier and black. She was wearing what looked like an old grey military uniform with gold buttons from over a century ago. Pinkie was wearing an outfit that looked to be from a similar era, only it was blue instead of grey. She wore a big, brown fake moustache and a wide brimmed hat.

Before Braeburn could ask what the hell was going on, the cop was floating beside the cart, staring at all of them with an extremely confused look on his face. The blue Pegasus shrugged and shook his head before looking at Pinkie, seeing as how she was at the front by the steering wheel.

“Do you have any idea how fast you were going? This is a public road,” he stated strictly… even though there were no other carts on the road… extending for miles.

Braeburn thought about trying to explain to the cop it was useless to question Pinkie, but he never got the chance.

“Oh! Silly you! We’re filming a movie here!” Pinkie nodded.

“Filming?” the cop asked, looking completely unconvinced.

“You betcha!” Pinkie smiled wide, turning the fake moustache upward. The cop looked around.

“Without cameras or a crew?” he asked.

“They're hidden! This scene has to be as realistic as possible!” Pinkie kept up the nonsense.

“Right… might I ask what film?” the cop asked, not fooled in the slightest.

“Oh, you haven’t heard?” Pinkie gasped. “It’s the blockbuster of the century! Bizarre Wars: A New Dope! Featuring the amazing story of how two rival generals from the Equestrian Civil War Era are so awesome that it teleports them to a galaxy far, far away! If you haven’t noticed, I’m playing the role of Legstrong Custard!” she said proudly while striking a glorious pose.

“And I’m…” Maud spoke up. “Playing Rockwall Johnson,” she explained as if she knew exactly what Pinkie Pie was playing at.

Braeburn flinched as the cop looked at him. Pinkie was beside Braeburn instantly.

“And HE…” Pinkie pie grabbed Braeburn around the neck. “Is playing the role of the old Jepie warrior they meet! Obi-wan Kanblowme!”

“Alright, I’ve heard enough,” the cop rolled his eyes. “I swear I always get the weirdos…”

“NOW!” Pinkie pie suddenly yelled. Maud suddenly tossed two big rocks the size of basketballs towards the cop. They were connected with a chain that draped over the cops back, the rocks dragging him roughly the ground.

“Enjoy your rocks,” said Maud as Pinkie pulled the strings, firing the party jets. They shot down the road at high speeds, leaving the cop in the dust.

“Looks like them Pie sisters are at it again!” Pinkie yelled as she and Maud bumped hooves. “By the way, kids… if you ever get pulled over, don’t do what we just did!”

“Granny’s gonna kill me if she finds out ‘bout this…” Braeburn sighed as he held on to the cart.

---To Be Continued---

Author's Note

Oh Jeez...

Chapter 3

MLP: FiM
Caught Between a Rock and a Pie
By: Calm Wind
Chapter 3:

“Pinkie… where are we?” Braeburn asked as they came to a stop in an open field lightly spotted with trees. They were far from the road and more importantly… “I thought ya said Boulder fell off a train, why aren’t we anywhere near the railroad?”

“Boulder is resourceful,” Maud answered as Pinkie looked around the field with binoculars. “He would probably try to find his way.”

“Even after fallin’ off a train?” Braeburn scratched his head. “Sounds like a tough feller…”

“Look alive matey’s!” Pinkie yelled as she shoved the binoculars into Braeburn’s face.

“Ah!” Braeburn yelped as he grabbed the binoculars and looked through them. “Uh… Pinkie? What am I lookin’ at?” he asked as he looked back and forth with the binoculars. He flinched as Pinkie face shot up in front of the lenses, her face distorted by who close she was standing.

“Nothing, I’m lost!” Pinkie said with excitement.

“Lost?!” Braeburn put down the binoculars and stared at her in disbelief. “Why do you sound happy about that? Or do I wanna know?” he asked, lifting an eyebrow. Pinkie bounced up and down in place while sticking her tongue out.

“Because being lost makes it even MORE of an adventure! Plus you can’t escape now, tough shit, you’re stuck with me,” she said without losing the smile.

“But—” Braeburn blinked as Pinkie began bouncing around the cart as Maud sat still and occasionally blinked. “Guess yer right there…” Braeburn said, defeated. He didn’t know why he was hoping Pinkie would let him go. Convincing Pinkie off a crazy trail was like a parakeet trying to push a freight train. You just knew before it even tried that it was going absolutely nowhere.

“Let’s go ask the locals!” Pinkie suggested eagerly as she jumped out of the cart, Maud climbing down right behind her.

“Locals? Er… what locals?” Braeburn asked as he stepped down from the cart as well.

“The trees, silly!” Pinkie turned and smiled brightly at him.

“The rocks too,” Maud added as they kept moving. Braeburn observed that there were indeed rocks and trees everywhere… but… what?”

“Gosh darn it, I must be going crazy…” he said while shaking his head. If it were anypony else, Braeburn would think they were insane. But when Pinkie pie suggested something absolutely ridiculous, it had a funny way of actually working.

“Have you seen my friend boulder?” Maud abruptly stopped and asked a small rock in the grass. She stopped so suddenly that Braeburn walked right into her before stepping around and following Pinkie. “No? Okay, I’ll ask your neighbor,” Maud said as she moved to a rock a few feet away. Maud was starting to creep Braeburn out a little. He wondered how this Boulder friend of hers lived with it.

“Ooo!” Pinkie spoke up as she hooked her arm with Braeburn’s. “Let’s ask those five!” she said while dragging Braeburn over to a small circle of five trees that were all close together in a tight pentagon formation. “Hey guys! We’re lost! Can you give us directions?!” she asked happily to the tree at the back point as they walked into the middle of them. Braeburn rolled his eyes.

“Hate to break it to ya Pinkie, but trees can’t—”

“Sure, where to?” the tree replied, causing Braeburn to scream like a filly and jump three feet into the air.

“Whoa!” The tree to the right reacted, one of its branches swaying towards and pointing at Braeburn. “You’re friend seems a little high strung!”

“Huh?” the tree to the left snorted. “What’s going on?”

“Lost, candy colored, miniature cartoon horses,” the tree behind them to the left spoke up.

They were talking… TREES were talking. All of them were male voices of varying pitches, or at least the first four were.

Braeburn froze as he felt something brush up against the back of his neck. He slowly turned his head to see the tree behind them to the right, REACHING a branch down and lightly stroking his long mane. The tree at the front sighed.

“Stine… you’re scaring him…”

“But Chris… he’s so pretty!” the tree petting Braeburn spoke in a female voice.

“You say that about every pony we see…” the tree to the left of the front spoke.

“Don’t ruin this for me, Justin,” the female tree said casually as it continued to pet the frozen Braeburn.

“But you do say that about every pony we see,” the back left tree agreed.

“You’re not helping Connor…” the female tree huffed as it seemed content to continue petting Braeburn.

“Heehee! You guys are funny!” Pinkie stated, not even fazed by the fact trees were talking to her as Braeburn remained perfectly still… and Maud continued questioning every rock she found.

“So where are you trying to go?” the front tree asked again. Pinkie rubbed her chin as she pondered.

“Oh! We need to find the train tracks, which way are they?” she asked while bouncing in place. The tree paused and swayed back and forth.

“Hmm… to be honest, I’m a bit directionally challenged…” the front tree turn to the tree on the right. “Mitch, can you help them?”

“The north south line?” the right tree spoke up. It reached a branch out and pointed it behind Pinkie. “Just go in that direction, you haven’t strayed too far, you’ll see it in no time.”

“Thanks!” Pinkie said as she turned and looked at Braeburn. She looked up and saw the tree petting him and smiled. “Oo! Oo! Can you pet me too?!” she asked.

“Only one at a time,” the female tree stated. “But Connor might want—”

“WAY AHEAD OF YOU!” the back left tree was already reaching down and scratching Pinkie behind the ears.

“Heehee! That tickles!” Pinkie giggled as she started thumping her back hoof.

“Oh Connor, you’re such a silly pony,” the right tree said jokingly.

“Mitch… you know Connor’s not a pony…” the left tree said seriously.

“Yes Justin, I know,” said the right tree.

“What are you guys talking about?” the front tree chimed in.

“Mitch thinks Connor is a pony,” the left tree answered.

“You know…” the front tree began. “That Connor’s a tree right?”

“Yes, Chris I know…” the left tree said in frustration.

“I’d like to be a pony…” said the back left tree.

“THAT’S IT! I CAN’T TAKE THIS! LET’S GO!” Braeburn grabbed Pinkie, picked her up and sprinted back towards the cart.

“Wheeeee! Seeya guys!” Pinkie waved to the trees as they left.

“Aww… I wanted to pet the pretty pony more…," the back right tree whined.

“Okay, we know where t’go, so let’s go!” Braeburn said as he shook his head out continuously, wondering if he somehow got drunk along the trip… what other explanation was there for talking trees?

“The rocks haven’t seen Boulder,” Maud spoke as she was suddenly sitting beside Braeburn in the cart. Braeburn flinched hard, but held his breath and sighed.

“Well gosh darn, that’s a shame… can we just get movin’?” Braeburn suggested. He was a little frustrated… but… he didn’t want to admit that this strange little adventure they were on was taking his mind off his troubles. It was hard to think about your problems when you had talking trees petting you and stone-faced sisters of your best friend staring into your soul.

“TOGETHER WE RIDE!” Pinkie yelled before firing the party jets and sending the cart flying towards the railroad tracks.

---To Be Continued---

Author's Note

Oh man...

Chapter 4

MLP: FiM
Caught Between a Rock and a Pie
By: Calm Wind
Chapter 4:

Eventually (two hours and three failures to drive in a straight line later) our heroes found themselves riding beside the train tracks of the north south railroad line extending from Ponyville to Canterlot. Maud had connected through Canterlot and claimed that Boulder fell off the train about halfway between. The line running between the two wasn’t very long, only a twenty to thirty minute ride on the express train, so how hard could it be to find a pony nearby? If this Boulder pony stayed put at least. Braeburn was beginning to wonder if they’d ever find Maud’s friend. Who was dumb enough to fall off a train anyway?

The search continued… but bore little fruit as they continuously scanned the area.

“We’re going beside the rails… on a crazy train…” Maud ‘sang’ as they looked.

“Look, uh, Maud…” Braeburn spoke up as he took his eyes off the surrounding field for a moment. “Could ya… um… stop?”

“You don’t like hard rock?” she asked, giving him a blank look.

“Well, it’s fine an’ dandy, but ya been… singing the same thing fer the past hour…” Braeburn explained as humbly as he looked back out.

“Okay…” Maud agreed before singing something else. “Here I am… Rock you like a hurricane…”

“I might be wrong…” Braeburn leaned over to Pinkie. “But I think you’re sister likes rocks.”

“What gave you that idea?” Pinkie said cheerfully as she turned around, letting go of the wheel. “It’s her life!” Pinkie said as the cart continued to move slowly and steer itself without her touching it.

“I love to rock and roll all night…” Maud switched up.

“AND PARTY EVERY DAY!” Pinkie added as she began singing with her.

“I have no idea what I’m doin’…” Braeburn shook his head. He had accepted his role on this little journey of theirs, but that didn’t mean he understood what was going on.

Suddenly the cart came to a sudden stop, followed by a raspy yelp from the front.

“Whoa!” Braeburn lurched forward, grabbing the wheel to support himself as Maud didn’t budge but Pinkie LAUNCHED from her seat as if catapulted and flew in a high, thin arc up and back down while yelling,

“WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!” before landing right on top of Braeburn and forcing him to the floor of the cart.

“What the heck?!” the raspy voice came from in front of them again followed by the cart lurching backward, throwing Braeburn and Pinkie off the back, but Maud remained sitting as if glued to her seat.

Braeburn scrambled to his hooves and looked up.

“Aw… horseapples…” he gritted his teeth. “Diamond dogs!” Braeburn exclaimed as one large and one small diamond dog stepped around the cart. They hey had a large pile of gems sitting in front of the cart. It seemed like while Pinkie wasn’t looking, the cart drove directly into these brigands.

“Ponies! With a cart too? It’s our lucky day!” the small one rubbed his paws together while the big one just grunted and nodded.

Just great… as much as he didn’t want to admit it, Braeburn was beginning to enjoy the brief, crazy respite he had been given from his work, but this just threw a curveball into the mix. What were Diamond dogs doing away from the mountains or the digging grounds outside of Ponyville? They usually never left those areas.

“That’s a fine looking cart you’ve got there!” the small one snickered as he started taking steps towards Braeburn. “We’re far from home and looking for something to carry our load of gems here… and that cart of yours is looking mighty useful for that purpose!”

“Stay back!” Braeburn threatened. Braeburn wasn’t strong like Mac… hell he was barely half Mac’s size, but as a stallion he refused to cower and leave two mares at the mercy of these ruffians.

“And what are you gonna do about it? Eh, little pony?” the diamond dog sneered as the big diamond dog walked up behind him. Braeburn gulps, shuffling backwards slightly. “I’d say you goose is cooked! Now give the cart or—”

All Braeburn did was blink and Pinkie Pie was suddenly standing right up in front of the diamond dog on the tips of her hooves. Braeburn internally screamed.

“Hi!” Pinkie greeted the diamond dog happily. “I’m Pinkie Pie! What’s your name?!” she asked. Braeburn was ready to reach up and pull her away, but for some reason he had the feeling he wouldn’t have to.

“Get out of my face, pony!” the diamond dog snarled and swiped his paw towards her. Pinkie Pie sprung upward, complete with a SPROING noise, causing the diamond dog to swing, miss, and spin around. Pinkie landed softly just in time to get right back in his face as he stopped spinning.

“That’s a funny name Mr. Getoutofmyfacepony!” Pinkie giggled.

“YOU!!!!” the dog swiped again, but as his paw connected with Pinkie Pie’s face, she didn’t budge. Instead a whole cloud of confetti fired out of her main, peppering the dog in the face. “WARGH!” the dog yelped as he lurched backward and swatted all the confetti away. “Just give us your cart or I’ll get angry!” he demanded.

“Whoa! Whoa, bro!” Pinkie held her hooves out while scrunching her face. A wide smile grew on her face and she bounced her eyebrows. “Bro… you sound a little mad.”

“RRGGHHH!!!!” The dog growled as the big diamond dog behind him scratched his head curiously.

“YOU MAD BRO?!” Pinkie leaned forward while sneering.

“YES! I’M MAD!” the dog roared while lunging forward. But he was abruptly stopped as Pinkie stepped forward and their noses bumped together, Pinkie’s nose making a HNRK noise as his smushed.

“Okay! I’ll give you the cart!” she said happily.

“WHAT?!” both Braeburn and the diamond dog said at the same time.

“IF!” Pinkie’s eyes bulged out as she pressed her face further against the diamond dog’s. Braeburn released a temporary sigh of relief. He had a feeling there was a catch, and he hoped it was a prank to trick the dogs into leaving. “You beat me in a match of rock, paper, scissors!” Pinkie challenged.

“What…” Braeburn blinked and stared blankly. The diamond dog looked down at Pinkie’s hoof, lifting an eyebrow.

“You can only play rock…” the diamond dog had calmed down slightly, amused by Pinkie’s challenge.

“I don’t mind the handicap!” Pinkie suddenly got serious, tying a headband around her forehead that read ‘victory!’ in big pink letters across it. “You feeling lucky? Mr. Getoutofmyfacepony?” she said while glaring menacingly at the dog. The diamond dogs looked at each other and shrugged.

“If you say so!” the dog accepted, cracking his wrist before balling up his paw and holding it out. Pinkie held her hoof out towards it and the two stared each other down.

“We’re finished…” Braeburn sighed as he sat down, not sure what Pinkie had in mind, but it didn’t seem to have any positive outcome. Pinkie and the diamond dog began in unison,

“ROCK! PAPER! SCISSORS! SHOOT!” they both yelled. The diamond dog flattened his paw and held it forward. Pinkie… held her hoof forward.

“Ha!” The dog laughed. “Paper beats rock!”

Pinkie suddenly ducked and a large rock the size of the dog’s head flew over her head and crashed right into the diamond dog’s face. The diamond dog shouted in pain as he fell backwards and clutched his face.

Braeburn stood up quickly and looked towards the cart. Maud was standing up on the edge of the cart, wearing her own headband that read ‘ROCKS’ on it in big grey letters.

“Rock beats everything…” she flatly proclaimed.

“YOU TELL ‘EM MAUD!” Pinkie cheered as she bounced up and down.

“THAT’S IT! GET THEM!” the diamond dog yelled to his large friend, but upon looking up, his eyes widened.

“Time to clock out with your rock out…” Maud said casually. She had hopped down from the cart and was standing on her hind legs, holding the entire bulk of the confused large diamond dog over her head. Braeburn’s jaw dropped as he watched how easily she lifted the bruiser into the air. Braeburn wouldn’t have known since Maud was wearing a sweater that covered her whole body… but Maud was REALLY strong! “Here’s your rock…” she said as she launched the big dog towards the little one. “Clock sold separately,” she added as the dogs crashed into each other and tumbled into a dazed pile.

Braeburn blinked and Maud was suddenly back in the cart. Pinkie zipped over to Braeburn and grabbed him by the arm.

“C’mon silly! Time to catch the train home!” she giggled as she pulled him over to the cart.

“The train home?!” Braeburn asked as he climbed into the cart.

“That one…” Maud pointed behind her. The express train from Canterlot was thundering down the rails towards them. It was seconds away from passing right beside them. Maud suddenly handed Braeburn a rope. “Quick, do something cool…” she asked. Braeburn saw the train coming and glanced at the diamond dogs recovering.

He had been sitting on his plot doing nothing aside from being confused during the whole sequence. In fact he hadn’t really done much at all to help during their little search. Could he do something to help? Pinkie hadn’t reloaded the party jets. They were definitely not speeding away… so…

“What would Pinkie Pie do?” Braeburn whispered to himself. “Probably something… absolutely ridiculous…” he chuckled as he turned and stepped up on the front of the cart. “Think like the pink!” he said to himself as he tied one end of the rope firmly to the front of the cart. The train zoomed by, the many coaches clickity-clacking behind it. Braeburn grabbed the other end of the rope, tied a lasso as quickly as he could, spun it around over his head, and tossed it at the last coach as it passed. The lasso hooked the emergency brake crank on the back of the coach and pulled taught in an instant.

“HOLD ON TO YOUR FUN!” Pinkie Pie yelled as she grabbed hold of both Maud and Braeburn. The cart was forced around and yanked along so roughly that Braeburn was surprised it didn’t rip to pieces. Before they knew it, the cart was being pulled behind the train beside the tracks, taking them back towards Ponyville and leaving the diamond dogs in the dust.

Braeburn poked his head up as the wind hit his mane. The rope was not straight, but somehow they were being pulled straight by the train. He wasn’t one to know how fancy physics worked, but he knew that wasn’t possible. Then again, he was riding in a cart with two sisters that didn’t listen to reality either, so he was willing to just accept it.

“Back home we go! And I don’t even have to drive!” Pinkie squealed delightfully as she fell backwards into the pile of hay that somehow stayed put throughout all the fast movement the cart had been a part of. Braeburn sighed and smiled, shaking his head and wondering if there was ever anything normal when dealing with the Pie family. But then he realized… they never found Maud’s friend.

“Shoot,” Braeburn turned to Maud. “Sorry, looks like we didn’t find yer friend,” Braeburn suddenly felt ashamed. Which was funny when he thought about it. He spent the first part of the whole trip annoyed and confused, now he felt bad that in the end he couldn’t help them.

“Actually I found him,” Maud said. Braeburn blinked and looked at her curiously. He looked around the cart just in case Boulder happened to be another pony that liked to appear out of thin air, but he saw nothing.

“Huh?” Braeburn looked at her again.

“He was actually in my pocket the whole time,” Maud explained as she reached into a pocket on her sweater… and pulled out a little stone. “He’s very good at hiding.”

“What…?” Braeburn flattened his brow. “What?” he looked back at Pinkie, who was rolling around in circles in the hay. “WHAT….?” Braeburn repeated as he stared at the small stone in Maud’s hoof. “THAT…?”

“This is Boulder, do you want to pet him? He likes that,” Maud held the stone out towards Braeburn.

THAT was what they were looking for? THAT was ‘Boulder’? They were looking for a ROCK?! AND IT WASN’T EVEN LOST?!

“That’s what we were looking for?!” Braeburn reached up and grabbed his mane, yanking it in disbelief. “And it wasn’t even lost?! It’s just a ROCK!” he exclaimed while looking back at Maud.

Pinkie shot up from the hay and released a long, loud gasp as Maud remained perfectly still, her expression unchanged.

“Just a rock?” said Maud.

“Oh jeez, oh jeez, OH JEEZ!” Pinkie scrambled out of the hay.

“Just a rock?” Maud repeated.

“Whoa! Maud!” Pinkie stepped in between them.

“Just a rock?”

“It’s not worth it Maud!!!!” Pinkie yelled.

“Just a rock?”

“DON’T DO IT MAUD!!!!!!” Pinkie got behind her sister, hooked her arms around Maud’s shoulders and pulled as if she was holding Maud back, but Maud continued to sit and stare at Braeburn.

“Just a rock?”

“Maud! CHILL!!!! CHILLLLLL!!!!!!” Pinkie desperately shouted as she continued to yank backward. “REIGN IT IN!!!!!”

Braeburn just watched and blinked as the strange scene played out before him. Maud pointed at him.

“The passionate rage I feel towards you right now is indescribable,” she said monotonously as Pinkie fell off her back and released a high pitch scream, while covering her eyes.

There was a long silence before anything else happened. Pinkie uncovered her eyes and looked up at them.

“Is it over?” she stood up.

“Uh… nothin’ hap—”

“OH THANK GOD!” Pinkie jumped up and hugged Braeburn tightly before pushing him over to the other end of the cart. “Dude, you crossed the line there,” she said while poking Braeburn in the chest.

“What?” Braeburn blinked. “But it IS just a—”

“SHHHHHHHH!!!!!” Pinkie stuffed her hoof in his mouth before slowly looking back at Maud, who hadn’t budged nor stopped looking at Braeburn. “You really wanna make her any angrier?! Trust me! You don’t want that!”

“Right…” Braeburn gave in and played along.

Speaking of personal possessions, Braeburn looked around for his hat. He took it off earlier wedged it in the corner of the cart so he wouldn’t lose it during the high speed traveling, but when he looked, it was gone.

“Aw, dammit!” he looked all around the cart for it… and then looked up at Maud. She was wearing his hat. “Oh! There it is, thank Celestia, I just bought that—” but as he reached for it. Maud put up a hoof and stopped him. “Maud, that’s mine.”

“Not anymore it isn’t,” she retorted.

“Aw, c’mon… Sorry I insulted your rock…” Braeburn reluctantly played along.

“His name is boulder,” Maud stated.

“I’m sorry I insulted boulder…” Braeburn corrected himself.

“That’s peachy,” Maud denied him again as he reached for the hat.

“C’mon Maud, that’s mine…” Braeburn whined as he kept trying to reach for it, but each time Maud caught his hoof or swatted it away.

“You see this face?” Maud said flatly while pointing to her face. “This is my not giving a f*SQUEE*k face.”

Braeburn looked over at Pinkie as she continued to press together a little squeaky ball that kept making squeaking noises as she did. She looked up at Braeburn, then at Maud and shrugged.

“Good luck getting that back!” she giggled.

Braeburn sighed and gave up. He decided to just chuckle and flop down on the pile of hay as Ponyville appeared on the horizon.

It had been an interesting day… but whatever, in the end it was pretty fun.

Braeburn sighed as he approached the barn with the cart in tow. As soon as he returned the sisters to Sugar Cube Corner, the cart was back to normal as if Pinkie had never touched it. He had excused himself, eager to get back to Sweet Apple Acres because they were probably wondering where the hell he disappeared to for most of the day.

It was all a little bit of a letdown. They were not only actually looking for a rock… but it was never even lost to begin with. He felt like he had been dragged along in one big practical joke between the opposite ends of the crazy spectrum of Pinkie and her sister Maud.

But… it was kind of fun. Thinking back on all of it, Pinkie brought him along and included him in some random silliness, something that ultimately had a positive effect since he was smiling about it now.

However… as he turned back to reality… so did his brain. He found himself thinking about his failure in Appleloosa again. He would be living with that on his shoulders till the day he died. Rousing success followed by a colossal failure, how did he manage that?

He sighed and shook his head as he reached the door to the barn. The sun was setting and the fields were empty. He assumed that the rest of the family had already gone in for the night and were preparing dinner. He would park the cart, and go join them as usual. Maybe they’d help him get his mind elsewhere.

He took a step into the barn.

“SURPRIIIIIIIIIIIISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Braeburn stiffened, his eyes widened, and his ears shot up. He blinked and stepped backwards out of the barn, shutting the door in front of him. He stayed still in shock for a moment before the door opened and Pinkie Pie stood in the door way.

“HEY! Get back in here birthday colt!” she yelled as she grabbed him by the vest, smiled, and yanked him free of the cart harness and back into the barn.

Braeburn’s jaw dropped as the sight met his eyes again.

There was a party in the barn, everypony was looking at him. Everypony being all of Applejack’s friends (save for Rarity who was out of town), all of his buddies from his favorite tavern, and his whole family. There were tables and fun activities set up all over the barn and a banner that hung from the rafters that read: 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRAEBURN!'

His birthday?

Today was his birthday?

Had he been so stuck in his own little world with his regret that he forgot about his own birthday?

Braeburn walked into the party slowly, personally greeted by everypony that he passed, given pats on the back and hugs that he all accepted, but was admittedly still in shock. After finally getting through everypony present, the party and fun began.

Braeburn took a moment to sit down at one of the tables as the ponies began laughing and playing. It wasn’t long before Pinkie bounced over to him.

“Sorry! Maud and I had to distract you long enough! You wouldn’t believe how long it takes these slowpokes to set up a party without me!” Pinkie explained herself as she bounced in place in front of Braeburn.

Braeburn still hadn’t really given a full smile the whole time since he came back. Pinkie, of course, decided to change that. She stopped bouncing and looked him in the eyes while bouncing her eyebrows.

“It was fun, wasn’t it?” she asked.

“Huh?” Braeburn blinked. “Oh… yeah it was kind o’fun,” he said with a shrug. Pinkie frowned.

“Aw, c’mon… that doesn’t sound too enthusiastic! If it was fun, you have to smile!” she demanded. Braeburn looked at her and heavily faked a smile.

“PFFFFFHAHAHA!!!!!” Pinkie rolled over once. “What was that?! C’mon birthday colt! Smiiiiiiiile!” she said while giggling in his face.

Braeburn couldn’t hold it in. Pinkie always managed to make him smile or laugh… and he couldn’t hold it in. A smile curled on his lips and a chuckled as her eyes grew wide and sparkly.

“YAYYY!!!!! That’s a smile!” she exclaimed happily as she bounced up and down again.

“It was fun Pinkie…” Braeburn admitted. “Weird… but I had a good time.”

Pinkie stopped bouncing and looked at him sincerely.

“You’ve been looking in the dumps lately, you think I was gonna let my best stallion friend be all grumpy gills in MY TOWN?! Forget it buster! Sometimes you gotta let your troubles go and enjoy yourself! Life’s no fun if you’re always super serious! So keep that smile! It looks good on you!”

Braeburn looked up at her curiously. Now that he thought about it… not once during the silliness of the day did his focus fall back on his past mistakes… Pinkie had effectively distracted him from his problems, on his birthday no less. No matter what presents he was getting tonight, he doubted anything could top that. He couldn’t help but smile even wider at that thought.

Pinkie stopped bouncing and looked back into Braeburn’s eyes as he smiled at her. Her ears flopped down and she blushed lightly as she turned around and glanced at the rest of the party goers. When she saw nopony was looking, she turned back to Braeburn and smiled brightly.

She leaned in and planted a light kiss on his cheek.

Art by: eveyannie

Braeburn’s brain broke for a moment. All thought processes stopped as his expression went from smile to shock… again. Pinkie kept her head near his and whispered into his ear.

“I like your smile! Please keep doing it. Happy Birthday Brae Brae!” she whispered giddily before turning and bouncing away while giggling and blushing.

Braeburn just watched, surprised and befuddled as Pinkie easily rejoined the festivities.

His shock quickly turning back to a smile, before he too got up to join in the fun.

He was lucky… so incredibly lucky… to have a friend like Pinkie Pie…

“THERE! Y’see? THAT’S more like it! I’m not some nervous blushing damsel! If I wanna kiss a guy, I’m GOING for it!”

I know Pinkie, that’s why I wrote it that way.

“I guess that’s your excuse for the romance tag this time, huh?”

Whatever makes the readers squee, right?

“You’re a sly bastard,”

I know.

“And hey! In the end I didn't need to take over at all! I approved the WHOLE time! So for that, you get five hooves up!”

Thanks and… wait, five?

“SHHHHHHHHHH… Go start part three of Piercing the Heavens…”

---The End---

Author's Note

I have no idea what i just wrote...

WELP

Hope you enjoyed!:pinkiecrazy: