Twilight gets her Princess Mane

by TheBigStallowski

Rating: teen
Tags: Spike, Comedy, Random, Adventure, Princess Celestia, Sex, DJ P0N-3, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Luna
Length: 1507

Twilight Sparkle is a princess, a powerful one at that. But why doesn't she have an awesome mane like Celestia or Luna?

Twilight Sparkle, a powerful equestrian princess, feels it is time to get her princess mane. Because Celestia and Luna refuse, she attempts to "troll" them in order to get what she wants. Hilarity ensues.

This story is part of a collection known as The Dank Bank. It is recommended, but not required, to read some of these stories first.

Published 2015-02-24 11:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-02-24 11:40:02 UTC

The MANE attraction!

All was quiet in the Princess' castle at Canterlot towards the end of the night. Luna (peace be upon her) had just begun lowering her moon, and Celestia had likely already woken up to raise the sun. As Luna (peace be upon her) walked quiet halls of the castle towards her room, she looked out the window to see the faint sunlight beaming over the horizon. All was okay to finally go to sleep after a long day of rest. Hell, even now the only thing keeping the Princess of the Night awake was the excitement of crashing on her bed and getting to spend time in her own dreams as opposed to the frivolous and random affairs of other ponies.

As she pushed the doors to her room open, Luna (peace be upon her) was suddenly jolted to full alertness as a an uncomfortably cold and wet sensation spiked across her head and spine, eliciting a loud, and rather girly, shriek from the Lunar Princess as all suddenly went dark. She realized something metallic was around her head. Her defensive instincts triggered, she launched the mysterious object off into the wall. Finally calming down, she realized it was but a simple bucket. A rather droll prank, thought Luna (pbuh), But whomever hath committed it shall pay!

She made her way to the bucket, and found a note hastily taped to it. Tearing off the note with her alicorn magic, she read it aloud. "You have been trolled..."

Tired and annoyed, she decided to just screw it all and hit the hay. As in, the bed. Horses eat hay, so "hitting the hay" is often synonymous for getting a bite to eat as well as getting to sleep. As she flung herself, wet mane and all, into the bed she crashed only to hear an abrupt farting noise. Removing the blankets, she found about a dozen whoopie cushions with the following note:

You're still being trolled XD

Luna (peace be upon her) looked curious at the last thing. "XD". Was it some kind of signature? Some new age slang? Some form of insult? Perhaps her sister would know. Unless Celestia is responsible... she then shook the thought away. Nay, my sister would have much cleverer trickery in store should she have some score to settle with me.

Meanwhile at the Royal Throne room, Princess Celestia sat doing absolutely fucking nothing as usual. To her guards, it seemed that Celestia merely sat there and waited for things to go unexpectedly awry, and only then would she do something. However, these days "doing something" usually only constituted her throwing Twilight Sparkle and the mane six at the problem.

Then all of a sudden Princess Luna (peace be upon her) barged through the door, holding the notes in her magical alicorn grasp "What are these, 'Tia? Who hath been pulling pranks before my royal hours of sleep?"

Celestia dramatically stared out towards the distance "Twilight Sparkle..."

The powerful princess of the sun rose from her throne, approaching her sister, head held high as though she were about to brief a platoon of Elite Equestrian Royal Special Forces. "Twilight Sparkle asked of me yesterday to grant her a flowing starlit mane, like ours."

Luna stared at her sister, perplexed. "These manes take centuries to form. Does she not know this?"

Celestia stared dramatically out towards the distance, despite Luna staring at her. It was very odd, and Luna quite hated her sister's inability to maintain eye contact. "I tried..." Celestia tread forwards towards the window. "I tried so hard to tell her. But alas, it was all in vain. She was too persistent and would not listen..."

"And now she is 'trolling' us in order to achieve what she wants?"

"Yes... but there is a way. According to our top researchers, some formula may have been developed to increase hair growth like ours."

"How!?" begged Luna (peace be upon her), hoping to finally get some rest.

"Princess Vinyl Scratch knows. We must ask her."

...

The "Glass Castle". A smaller castle that looked incredibly picturesque on the other side of Canterlot mountain, home to the Princess of Dankness herself, Vinyl Scratch. Inside the castle, Celestia and Luna stood outside the doors of Princess Vinyl's chambers, as they heard quite lascivious moans from another mare. As... those noises ceased, Vinyl exited, her flowing strobelight-lit alicorn mane looking a little unkempt. "Bruh... what's up?" she asked her two superiors.

"Your mane, how did you get it to be like ours so quickly?" asked the Princess of the Night.

"Oh, that. Yeah, our top researchers found that kush accelerates it."

"Kush...?" inquired Luna (peace be upon her).

Celestia sighed. "She means marijuana."

"Oh, right, cannabis."

"Yeah, bruh..." droned Vinyl. She chuckled. "Sorry, Octy and I just had a WICKED duo and--"

Celestia cut her off. "I'm... sure we don't need to hear about it. So all we'd need to do to get Twilight a mane like ours would be to give her some weed?"

"Well, the danker the kush, the faster the growth. Tell you what, I'll open my storage to you so you can withdraw some and give it to her. Judging by how tonight's going, I may need a few more rounds in there." said Vinyl as she gestured towards her bedroom.

...

So the two Princesses of Sun and Moon trekked their way two blocks down. Standing before them was a building with marble columns, and the title "The First National Equestrian Dank." This was it. This was where Equestria's dankest kush was stored. As the two entered the bank, they approached a zebra wearing a very formal suit, his mane in dreadloacks. "Hello! You two must be new here. Would you like to open a new dank account?"

Celestia answered, Luna (peace be upon her) standing bewildered at the fact that there was an entire building this elegant dedicated to the storage of weed. "Actually, we've been given access to the dank account of Vinyl Scratch."

"Ah yes, Xx_fl4nk_pulv3r1z3rXx has recently opened her dank account to Princesses Celestia and Luna (peace be upon her)."

"We'd like to make a withdrawal of... how much should we withdraw?" asked the Princess of the Sun.

"You have been allotted a maximum of four hundred and twenty grams of 'Rank Dank Kush', Vinyl's personal favorite brand."

"We'll take all of it."

...

Meanwhile in Ponyville, at the Princess of Friendship's war room, Twilight had composed numerous lists decorating the walls.

"Hm..." said Twilight as she thought. "I need more trolling ideas. Spike, have we tried rubber chickens yet?"

"Twi, bro," began DankLord Spike, "I really don't know if any of your ideas even really qualify as 'trolling'. They're just pranks..."

"Well, what's the difference?"

"TROLLING IS AN ART!" yelled Spike as he intensely adjusted his fedora.

Before Spike could continue his neckbearded rant, Celestia and Luna (peace be upon her) burst into the room holding a sack. Acting fast, they threw the sack around Twilight's head as the Princess of Friendship let out terrified shrieks of horror.

"SPIKE!" shouted Celestia, "THE BAG IS FILLED WITH DANK. YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO!"

Spike knew it. It was his time. His master had always refused to experience the true power of the dank side. Never had an opportunity like this been presented to the DankLord himself. He let a war cry as he charged the flames in his throat.

"JUST BLAZE!!!!!!!!!"

He then unleashed a torrent of green-hot fire (it burns much hotter than red fire), instantly turning the dank into smoke, and hotboxing the immediate vicinity around Twilight Sparkle.

As the pure white dank smoke began to clear away, Twilight's eyes shone white, her mane starlit and dank as ever.

Twilight's voice boomed through the room, sounding threateningly otherworldly. "I must go. My people need me." And then grabbing a .50 caliber sniper rifle, Twilight flew, her magic trail trailing marijuana leaves, as she jettisoned through the mirror leading to the human world.

"What... what just happened?" asked Spike.

"Oh no..." said Celestia, staring in dramatic awe at the portal. "The human world can't handle Twilight, not at full power and stoned off her ass."

"What're we gonna do!?" asked Spike, terrified at the prospect of the human world reaching utter destruction at the hands of Twilight Sparkle."

Celestia dramatically turned towards the distance. "We have to assemble a task force. A force of fan favorites that can stop Twilight Sparkle and bring her to sobriety, before the dank takes complete control of her, destroying both our realms."

Luna (peace be upon her) stood before them. "I will go and assemble the crew. Never has our land reached a darker time, and I will make sure we are prepared for the coming storm."

And there, our Princess of the Night flew off in hopes to restore balance between our two realms. Never had Equestria faced a threat this alarming, this quiet, this dark... this dank...

TO BE CONTINUED IN PART TWO.