Discord's Crack-Fic Folder!!
Alright, let us begin...!
Once upon a time, in the spanking new royal bedroom in quaint little Ponyville, the girls that we know and love (and obsess over, let's keep it real here) had a lovely, relaxing time playing Truth or Dare.
It began innocently enough with Twilight being asked who were her crushes. After she listed her mother, father, father's brother, father's father, brother, brother's wife, her mentor, her mentor's sister, that old librarian from the Crystal Empire, the girls had had quite enough and begged her to hold her peace.
Rarity was next. She wanted 'truth', so Fluttershy asked her to admit something embarrassing. Rarity admitted that she on occasion sneaks into Applejack's room to put makeup on her. Something about being unable to pounce on the Earth Pony during daytime in order to accentuate her rugged good looks. No one was surprised by this, least of all Applejack. They got all snuggly-wuggly about it even. Then they got all whispery and mumbly... and naughty.
Rainbow Dash thankfully yelled at them very rudely to move on and demanded that Applejack, upon asking for 'truth', admit something that she obsesses over that she shamefully likes.
After a brief period of uncharacteristic stuttering, Applejack blurted out that she likes pears. Rarity had to take her out of the room because she couldn't stop crying. If a cosmic knife appeared in that room at that very moment, it could've carved out a beautiful cube of cosmic butter for how awkward it was in that room.
Rainbow was next. Upon being asked if her dad was single (Pinkie Pie), she proved otherwise by presenting her fan fic on how Rainbow Blaze and Firefly had a sordid love affair that ended with the birth of the author, as in, herself. It was as massive as a dictionary (Twilight stroked its spine shamelessly).
And of course she began to read from it, and the details were especially sordid. Especially detailed were the various places that her parents made sweet ravishing-
"Okay enough already!! Your hot dad's taken by your yummy mommy mom, yeesh!!"
Wait how did- anyways, it was Pinkie's turn. Seeing as this game was looking more rigged by the minute, Twilight very carefully asked what was her favourite book series, nothing gross about that.
"Discord's Crack-fic Folder of course!! Followed closely by Twilight Sparkle's Secret Ship-fic Folder!! I especially enjoy your four way romance story with the Cakes, myself and Tom!"
How does she keep inserting herself into my story!? I have a style I'm trying to follow here!! I mean, I'm flattered and all, but this is preposterous!!
Moving on, a genius's work is not done till it's worthy to be thrown at with tomatoes!
After copious amounts of guffawing at the princess of books, at last we come to the gloriously shy beauty, Fluttershy. Applejack, returning after having a shameful snack (one pear carved in the shape of an apple), gave the question. It was: is there someone that you love?
Fluttershy squeaked and hid under her hair. But she poked out of her hidey hole with a little smile and the softest of blushes. What she confessed took no effort at all. She admitted that the one she loves is-
"You're gonna' say it's you, isn't it?" Pinkie Pie smugly commen- PINKIE PIE!!
"'Sup fool," said the- I refuse to do your narrations, Pinkie Pie!
"That's okay, my dialogue should provide enough context for readers to comprehend!" chirped the pink one adorably, hee hee, I feel really powerful narrating for myself!
And the even more powerful Draconequus is not amused.
"Aww, don't get your tongue up in a twizzle, Dissy-wissy!" chortled the ravishing mare like a spicy fruit cake!!
Definitely a fruit cake... what do you want, Pinkie?
Pinkie changed the mood immediately from 'comedy' to 'drama'! She eyeballed Mister Goat Face and said, "You didn't answer my question, Discord."
What question?
The one several lines up above this sentence! I mean, "The one several lines up above this sentence!"
Discord was tired of masquerading as the annoying pink filly and so he began to continue on with his crack fictio-
"And the pink filly can't be written off so easily, but if you want me gone, I guess I'll just take THIS crack fic!" and she shoved a small piece of paper on Discord's face.
Discord's Crack-ship Folder!!
The apex predator lurked in the shadows, about to pounce onto a tasty morsel, all too naive about its surroundings.
Just as she is about to jump for the attack, a hissing voice yelled out from behind, "Hi Dissy! We're hunting! Wanna' join us?"
Caramel finally noticed the gigantic chimera behind the shrubbery. With a high-pitched scream, he high-tailed away from the swamp.
"Aargh!" yelled the tiger head, "Now we have to chase it!!"
"After it!" yelled the goat head.
"Yeah, go ahead," said the snake head, clearly in 'la-la land', "Dissy can keep up..."
He tickled her chin affectionately, "Indeed I can, my serpentine sweetness, would your sisters finally want to join us in a little makeout session?"
"For the hundredth time, Discord, go swallow your own tail!" The chimera kept chasing whilst Discord floats right behind their rear.
"We got a meal to catch!" the goat head yelled.
"They'll warm up to you one day, in the meantime, since I'm cold-blooded, why don't you warm me up..."
And the goat head and tiger head wretched at the sounds of their tail-bound sister slurping it up with her latest sugar-daddy.
It was the weirdest chase scene Caramel has been in.
"And present it to Fluttershy! Maybe she'll even want to meet this marefriend of yours!!" Pinkie Pie oh so smugly smugged!
Wait, don't! That crack fic was just for laughs! And Fluttershy won't give me a chance if-
"Aha! I knew it! Scene change time!" demanded Pinkie as she moved the two of us to Donut Joe's donut shop for some donuts and two chocolate milkshakes, you know, 'cos it's a cosier setting than whatever ambiguous setting we were at just now!
Discord moodily sucked his chocolate shake, because as of right now, he really hates Pinkie Pie. But he relented, "Yes, fine! I was going to write my name for Fluttershy to say! But does that matter at all? I am merely writing my crack fic for my own entertainment and for those that can see it inter-dimensionally!"
"But my friends were acting almost borderline OOC, because you were rewriting our reality!" I absolutely accused most accusingly whilst I sucked on my tasty shake, "In fact, you've done it before, haven't you?"
The Draconequus shook his head; annoyed that the pink one was being so rude.
The pink one wasn't done yet; the pink one then asks whilst SMASHING three short stories on his face!
OW!
"Then what's with THESE then!? Everypony knows they're together now and it sounds like your doing, Dissy-wissy!"
Discord gently took the parchments in his talon and took a quick glance at them.
Discord's Crack-ship Folder!!
Princess Celestia rubbed her mane nervously, "Sweetie, I know we've been together awhile. I know that what we have between us has only been nasty, vulgar, and totally smexy. But I want more. I want more of you. And I know you want more of me, something about licking under my hooves I think? Granny Smith, will you marry me?"
"As sure as unshorn fetlocks Ah' am!" hollered Granny Smith lustily, "Now let's break some hips!! Sugarcube, watch and learn."
Applejack, tied up in a chair, cried profusely as Princess Celestia and Granny Smith waggled their tongues at each other. Granny Smith then took out her dentures and Celestia's wings popped right up. Applejack cried some more.
Discord's Crack-fic Folder!!
The Summer Wrap-Up Hoedown and Festival was wonderful, thought Celestia as she was flown on chariot back to her castle; such wonders, such games, such fun... and so many stallions looking gelded for even trying to beat her in hoof-wrestling.
But when she touched back down on her balcony, a little bit of the Hoedown and Festival sort of came to the castle as well.
"I found a nice, big, red, juicy one this time!!" declared an airborne Luna very happily as she cuddled a familiar large red stallion as if he was an oversized teddy bear. As she snuggled her face to his, she wasn't even bothered by the huge amount of sweat poring out of him.
Celestia gave a thought, then asked nicely, "What is his name?"
Luna opened her mouth to clearly give an answer, but then closed it very, very slowly, as the dawn of realization slowly crept its obnoxious smirk on her.
With wide eyes, she stared at his snout, mane, even sniffed him up the neck (the big red pony whimpered), desperate for any clues, until she sighted his cutie mark.
"His name is Big Granny Smith of course!!"
"NOPE."
"And there you have it, Luna," said Celestia.
Luna dropped Big Macintosh down and walked away in a huff.
"Are you alrigh-" Before Celestia could continue, Luna galloped to the stallion and gave him his second kiss on his cheek of the night before huffing away again, face now flushed like a love-struck thief.
"Sorry about her, Big Macintosh," Celestia giggled, "She can be quite impulsive."
"EEYUP."
"So unless if you want to make it a best five out of seven, you may take a ride back home on my chariot."
"EENOPE," His right hoof still felt numb after that challenge. He walked towards her chariot.
"Oh, and tell your grandmother to not bother putting on dentures next time I sneak into her room, she knows when. I want to have a completely 'toothless' experience!"
"NOPE-NOPE-NOPE-NOPE-NOPE-NOPE-NOPE-NOPE-NOPE-NOPE-NOPE-NOPE-NOPE-NOPE-NOPE-NOPE-NOPE-NOPE-NOPE-NOPE-NOPE-NOPE-NOPE-NOPE-NOPE-NOPE-NOPE-NOPE-NOPE-NOPE-!!"
Discord's Crack Fic Folder!!
Princess Celestia has a terrible secret.
Actually it wasn't really a secret anymore; she's been seen cuddling and snogging it up with Granny Smith for awhile now.
Now they're just snuggling it up in a barn (they won't say which one), and enjoying each other's company.
Suddenly, Luna made a hole in the wall.
"AH-HA, ACCURSED BIG SISTER!! WE HAVE A TRUMP CARD OVER THEE!!"
"Howdy, Princess!" Granny Smith greeted. She always liked how spunky her future sister-in-law was, as she made little circles over her lover's neck with her hoof.
"SILENCE LICENTIOUS ONE!! BEHOLD, DIRTY SISTER, OUR VENGEANCE FOR TRAUMATIZING US WITH THINE CREEPY AFFAIR!!"
Luna revealed an old yellow mare with curly white hair.
Luna smacked her a wet one right on the lips, long and luscious tongue to boot.
"WOO! Ah'm in love!!" exclaimed the old mare breathlessly.
"HOW DO YOU FEEL NOW, CELESTIA!?" bragged Luna, "PRETTY GROSS OUT NOW, HMM!!?"
Celestia giggled, "A little bit, little sister. Seeing as the mare you just kissed is Granny Smith's cousin, Goldie Delicious."
Luna froze. Her eyes swizzled to Goldie; her eyebrows jerked up and down with a big toothy smirk.
She licked her lips. She wants more.
"Keepin' it in the family ah' see! Just the way ah' like it!!"
I chortled. "What a nasty old mare," I commented in passing.
"You got some explaining, Mister," demanded Pinkie.
"Whilst it's true most of my short stories are fiction; I just happened to find Celestia sneaking off somewhere and I followed. Needless to say, this series of stories happened in this universe, I even left out a few details just to keep it 'rated for everyone'! Brrrr...!"
"... that explains why Applejack's been staying over at Rarity's every Saturday night," muttered Pinkie to herself, but audibly enough so words can appear on the screen.
“Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't.”
Mark Twain
Quote by Mark Twain. (n.d.). Retrieved February 26, 2015, from http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/4650-truth-is-stranger-than-fiction-but-it-is-because-fiction
The aforementioned quote is pretty much my best guess as to how they hooked up.
"Ooh, Mark Twine! He's famous for some reason! But we have been sidetracked too long! This story is about you and shy little Flutters! I mean, how did you and her-but-without-her even happen!?"
Discord made little circles around his chocolate milkshake with his straw, clearly embarras-
Do not narrate my actions Pinkie Pie! The readers don't need to know that!
Yes they do, the circles symbolize your endless, worthless cycle of never getting any pony booty-
"It started after my third Granny-Tia fic okay!" I admitted very angrily as I called on for more chocolate milkshakes!!
"I got jealous of that Celestia! How she got together with that wrinkly old mare! It's a genuine crack-ship, but they genuinely love each other! Then I thought, well why couldn't Fluttershy and I work out!? She sweet, and I'm a stud!!"
Pinkie paused. And gave a deep thought at it.
You're not thinking deeply, Pinkie, you giggling like a little schoolfilly, don't lie to the readers, you're better than that.
Pinkie smiled because she knows the readers will think she's being charming. Back to 'drama' mode!! "But Discord, look, don't you think Fluttershy will get really disappointed if she finds out what you've done?"
"What makes you think she'll find out?" said Discord.
"What makes you think I won't tell?" said Pinkie.
"What makes you think I won't get away with it?" said Discord.
"What makes you think Fluttershy won't un-friend you when she eventually finds out this, especially when you've done anything to me?" said Pinkie.
"What- what- why are you do insufferably sharp today!?"
Pinkie shrugged her shoulders, "I'm not just a bag of silly jokes, silly."
"I know," I mumbled as I bit into another donut, "So, I suppose now you want to advise me to do it the old-fashioned way. The orderly way."
Pinkie, looked down, crestfallen.
Pinkie?
"Look, Discord, that's not what I'm about to say. Fluttershy... her ship has sailed with Rainbow Dash."
"I WILL DESTROY THAT STALLION MARE!!"
"Now Dissy-wissy, you are not a villain anymore-"
"I WILL DYE HER WHOLE BODY GREY!!"
"Discord, Fluttershy will be very-very angry with you-"
"I WILL SHIP HER WITH HER FATHER AND THEY WILL HAVE A DRUNK MAKE-OUT SESSION AND SHE WILL FEEL TERRIBLE ABOUT-"
And I bat Discord in the head with a bat.
OW! Pinkie that really hurt! Yeesh, Discord realized what he said was wrong, and sulkily sucked on his chocolate milkshake, and also ordered a chocolate Rainbow Dash. He slowly nibbled on her head. Happy?
Gross! Hee-hee, but also a little bit funny.
Discord chuckled; a little bit I suppose. But how, how did such a rude, meatheaded thing like her end up with my Fluttershy?
Pinkie Pie smirked, feeling a little pleased that only she, and not he, noticed it.
Noticed what?
Then it hit Discord. The crack fics, the constant breaking of the fourth wall, this incredibly hard to follow narrative style...
Discord gripped his head, because he thinks he gets it now, I think? "We are in a fanfiction right now. We're in fanon."
"And not canon! Bingo! And that means!"
"All ships lead to Rainbow Dash."
"Eeyup, as Big Mac would say! So someone's gotta' be shipped with Rainbow in a fanfic sooner or later, so it might as well be Fluttershy! They've known each other since childhood, y'know."
Discord remembers how fondly Fluttershy spoke of Rainbow Dash, how often she will protect her from bullies and the occasional evening shadow.
"I can't compete with Rainbow Dash in fanon," Discord muttered sadly, sipping on his fifteenth chocolate milkshake and not caring that he now looks sympathetic.
"Well, in any case, thank you for telling me Pinkie Pie, you have been a good friend for, well, thwarting my evil plan," admitted Discord, clinking his glass to hers.
Pinkie Pie looked at him. What does she see? She sees an all-powerful being with everything in his fingertips, but with a conscience that bottles it all up. He wants just one pony in the world, somepony to live with, share with, love with. There is nothing wrong with that, thought Pinkie. And then a thought surfaced, a thought that Pinkie wanted to say outloud for a long time, but didn't had the guts for it. Her ginger tea was warm.
"Discord, wanna' go out on a date with me?"
...
...
...
Discord, stop typing the ellipsiseses out and just spit it out?
What.
Pinkie blushed, okay, I'm blushing! I just thought you were always so cool and crazy with your magic. You're kinda' like me; a big chaotic party pony, who was once evil, sure, but a good guy now! And when I read that fic of yours, I realized that you've also got a big heart as well.
Fic? Which fic is that?
The one I copy and pasted below.
Discord's Crack-Ship Folder!
"No, I won't let you have it, Twilight!!" screamed Spike, "Back off!"
And he spewed a warning breath of fire at her. But the panicky and frazzle-haired pony would not back off.
"Spike! You are being very naughty now, young dragon!!" lectured Twilight angrily, "And Scrolly doesn't appreciate being called an 'it'!"
"Scrolly's a scroll, Twilight!" he replied, "A giant rolled up parchment with a red ribbon on it, that you drag around Ponyville all day!! Ponies can see the saliva marks, for Celestia's sake!"
"They're from when I nap with Scrolly!!"
"Those marks are the shape of your lips, Twilight! YOUR LIPS!!"
"Urrghh!" Twilight's face was covered in red, "I don't have time for your shenanigans, Spike! Scrolly and I have many things to recap on!"
And Twilight teleported the scroll to right in front of her; drool started to flow out immediately, "So much stuff to dictate; My Very Big Scrollyyyy..."
The trance-like approach to the giant scroll was interrupted by some quiet crying. She looked up and saw Spike curled up in the corner, his back facing hers. She could see her baby dragon heaving back and forth, clearly trying to hold back his tears.
"Spike!!" she cried, and leaped over the rolled up infatuation. She ran right to Spike and hugged him and nuzzled him and cried with him.
"Please don't cry, oh Spike, please don't!" cried Twilight.
"Some- some-" Spike struggled to get his words out, "Sometimes, I think... you love your scrolls and books... more than me..."
This made Twilight cry and hug him even harder still, "No, Spike! Nothing will ever replace my love for you! I love you, like, like...!"
She sputtered, "An assistant! No, that's too technical! A squire! No, I'm not even in the army! Oh Celestia, I'm such a klutz in the head!!"
Spike chimed in, gingerly, "How... how about, little brother, or son? Am I those things to you?"
Twilight drew her breath in, and smiled. They have much to talk about.
"How about we just go and bake ourselves some gem cookies first? Like how it was back in Canterlot?"
Spike sniffed, "Okay. I'd like that."
And so they did, but not before Spike tripped, and barfed out a green flame at the giant scroll. It knocked Celestia out cold upon impact.
Discord chuckled at how that punchline still cracks him up.
"No silly!" said Pinkie, "It's a fic about Twilight and Spike! You have no idea how long I've wanted to see them get together like this! I cried and cried! It's so cute! It was puppy even! It was so sweet of you to write this about them! Anypony who could write something so adorable like that must have something special inside of them! And Discord puffed his chest wide open like a fat turkey, looking very proud of himself.
I cannot help but feel pleased when someone recognizes the work of a genius.
Pinkie Pie rubbed her hooves nervously; still waiting for an answer.
You... you are actually serious, aren't you Pinkie Pie?
Uh huh. I think the two of us are like peanut-butter and jelly; hayburgers and hay fries. Roses and chocolate. Why not, you know?
It's okay... Heh. Hah. HAHA. AHAHAHAHA!! OH-HAHAHAHA!!!
It that an evil laugh or a eureka kind of laugh?
The latter; don't you see, Pinkie Pie?
Ooh, my turn to not be aware of something!
Indeed, for I think, and I am merely insinuating here: I think we are in a crack fic ourselves.
Wait, the two of us counts as a crack-ship!?
Of course, I was once evil; you're cotton candy. I am suave and debonair; you're cotton candy.
And I'm young and spritely, and you're ancient!
"Way to ruin the mood kid," stated Discord, flicking her little snout.
Ow. Discord!
Discord chuckled. Merely playing around Pinkie. So, a date then?
Pinkie gulped (red-faced). Uh huh, is that okay?
"My dear Pinkie Pie," he gently said, placing his paw over her hoof, "I believe we have completed our first one already."
Author's Note
Let me actually try to explain myself.
This fic is based on a series of crack fics called 'Discord's Crack-fic Folder' that I made up and wrote for quite awhile, and have posted them on various brony-related social media community sites.
Seeing as all of them are less than five hundred words, I decided to write a long one, but also incorporating some of the short fics I've written into it, so you guys can get a taste of the more typical model.
When I have found the right platform to post up my other fics, I will notify you guys on this page.
...
...
...
GrannyTia foreva.
