Chapter One: Stealing Is Bad

Chapter One: Stealing Is Bad

“Oof!” I exclaimed as I landed flat on my back in the middle of Garland Market. I really have to work on my landings, though nothing hurt too much excluding my pride. I looked around at the hoi polloi around me and pushed self up to a sitting position. I was already picking out an avenue of escape, but I was smarting from that fall.
.

“After him! That rat stole my wife’s pendant!” Called an elderly man from the balcony I’d previously occupied. I could almost feel the mob of the market turn their eyes on me. Not like there could’ve been many other miscreants that fit the bill at the moment, with me scrambling to my feet and all, trying to avoid being conspicuous.

I really must remind myself that blending in only works if you haven’t been spotted.

I beat feet to avoid the crowd gathering around me; occasionally calling out a belated apology to the poor bystander I may have trampled in my desperation to escape. Honestly, using one's sticky fingers would be much more peaceful if people knew when to get out of the way. I traced the old familiar brick paths through alleys and across open streets to get back to my asylum, an old abandoned church just outside of town. Once inside, I eyed the swag that I'd been hired to take and the few other baubles I'd gotten. They'd sell for a half decent price if I went to the right guy and keep me fed for a little while.

I suppose an introduction would be in order, seeing as how you don’t even know my name. You may call me Master of Thieves, or maybe The Sticky-Fingered Shadow! You may call me by those titles; however, most people just call me Kaid. Yup, Klepto Kaid, that’s me. Not as tall as I’d like to be at a whopping one hundred and seventy five centimeters, and not as handsome either. The only thing I’ve really got going for me is a lack of moral decency and a mess of curly black hair that no one can see through. Though you’ve got to understand, when you happen to be a slight, shortish lad with few true friends and no relatives, you’ve got to be a bit more resourceful than your average lay-about. Granted, life hasn’t been all honey and roses for me, but I make the most out of it, albeit with other people’s belongings. I digress. We were on about my day, yeah?

I stashed the shit I hadn't been hired to steal and pocketed the pendant. After adjusting my apparel, I left the church and headed back onto the streets to find my employer so I could hand off the pendant and get on with my life. Breaking into that old couples house had taken some doing in broad daylight, and I hadn't even had breakfast yet, let alone lunch. I was ready to blow some of the cash in my pockets, and I wasn't going to fuck around waste time, so I kept a brisk pace while heading to the drop spot. Unfortunately, I ran straight into some fat fuck on my way.

“Hey! Watch where you're goin’ ya lout!” Officer Oscar yelled at me, gaudy mustache quivering. He whipped out his baton faster than I could regain my balance and whacked me across the knee like the Polo playing nobles in their fancy estates do.

“Oi, I recognize that mop o’ mess anywhere! If it isn’t Klepto-Kaid! What’ve ya nicked this time, ya guttersnipe? Have ya grabbed some old lady’s last bit o’ gold perhaps? Maybe you've finally been ousted?” Oscar sneered at me. I swear, the crook gets more twisted and sadistic every time I see him.

“Hey there, Officer, I’m just goin’ for an evenin’ jog, honest! You know I’ve been out of all that stealin’ rubbish for awhile no-“ Was as far as I got before he caught me on the temple with a swing of his stupid club. I’d seen it coming from a kilo away by the jiggles in his third or fourth chin, so I’d had plenty of time to get ready to roll with it. This was all par for the course anyhow.

“Oh shush your lies, you bloody… Um, liar? Yeah, Liar! Hand over whatcha got, or I’ll just be takin’ it from you downtown!” He blustered. I handed the pendant over before he cuffed me, thus beginning a long, uncomfortable stroll through town.

Officer Oscar was, in fact, the guy who hired me to steal the pendant in the first place. No one really liked Oscar and no one really cared to get to know him well enough to try. By all means, Oscar is a right fucking prick, but he knows my price, and he's the most efficient way to skip the legal procedures. If he handles my case, then everything looks official and I get off Scot Free. It was all a part of a song and dance we'd partaken in a few times before.

“I spy with my little eye; something steaming!” I joked as we passed through the industrial district. A swift and painful tap to the tip of my elbow silenced me with a grimace.

“Ya just had to be extra reckless this time around, didn't ya?” Oscar hissed at me under his breath. “With all them people about, I couldn’t let ya go or else they’d know somethin’ was up!” He punctuated with another rap, this time to my shoulder blade. Much more of this and Ol’ Porky would be my next mark. I guess you can never have too many.

“Gee, officer, I sure am awful sorry about all o’ trouble I’ve gone an’ caused ya. I promise on me mum’s grave I won’t do it again!” I sniped in response.

“Are ya gettin’ smart with me boy? Yer lucky it’s me that caught ya. Any other officer would have just picked you up and searched you because of your reputation, Mr. Gecko." Oscar growled

“I hear you Oscar, but things were getting awfully fuzzy back there. You should have told me they were home! That old bag of dust nearly had me back there!” I protested.

“I woulda told ya if I’d known, boy! Don’t mouth off to the one thing between you and the slammer!”

“Cram it, Oscar! You know I have dirt on you and half of your buddies in the station! You couldn’t keep me down if you tried.” I scathingly replied.

Oscar didn’t speak after that.
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The rest of the trip was made in silence. We both knew that we had each other in a vice. We both knew that I hated being locked up and we both knew that Oscar had to provide for his family. One wrong word and we’d both go down. We arrived at the station to see it operating at normal capacity. Oscar sat me down with some of my usual people, so I started talking to the skinhead next to me.

"So what are you in for, mate?" I asked.

He lifted his hands and showed my the blood on them. "Killed some darkie's mutt 'cause it shit in my yard."

"Not cool, dude. Beat the guy up, not the dog. The guy should have picked it up." I chided.

The skinhead just looked at me like I was retarded and went back to moping about getting arrested. I shrugged him off and looked around the constabulary some more. Nothing really caught my eye besides this one lady rozzer. She was terribly hideous, and I couldn't help but smile at her. I thought she might need one because she looked like that. The woman eventually caught me goofing off in her general direction a flipped me a very unkind gesture. Oscar showed up again and started dragging me off in the Chief's general direction, the exact opposite of where I wanted to go.

"Oi, what gives, man? What the hell are you doing?" I whispered indignantly. Luckily the hum of the office covered the noise.

Oscar shushed me. "What did you do to the Wiltshires?"

"What? Nothing, they were fine when I left."

"That's not the case now, fool!" He hissed. He practically threw me into the Chief's office and had me take a seat. He was none too pleasant about it.

I took a brief moment to examine the room. It was all rather neat and orderly, though the Chief himself seemed like he hadn't slept in a while. Still, his grey eyes were ferocious, yet calm, like he was waiting to unleash some damning evidence that would get me put behind bars for years. His mustache twitched as he watched me, and I could help but laugh. I tried to cover it with a cough, but it didn't do me much good.

“Kaid,” The chief began before sighing and pouring himself a drink of something I could smell from nearly two meters back, “The Guffrey’s, Mandrake’s, Steinleich’s, and Wilshire’s have all been murdered. Cold blood I’m afraid; Pillars of the community, all of them.”

"Hold on, Chief," I said quickly, "you can ask anyone in Garland Market! The Wiltshires were yelling after me as I ran, honest to goodness alive and well!"

“Is that so?” The Chief inquired. He leaned forward on his forearms, all thoughts of his drink gone. There was something about his eyes I didn’t trust…

"Damn straight! You know my track record! I'm a sticky fingered fool that's kind of clever sometimes! You know thieves don't kill around here, anyways!"

The chief looked to Oscar and made a strange gesture. My last memory was of being knocked forward.
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“-nd He’ll wake up when he’s ready. “ An unknown voice said.

I stayed completely still and tried to even out my breathing. It wouldn't do to let whoever knocked me out know that I was awake. I listened carefully.

“You sure? That oaf Oscar hit him pretty hard; you might wanna take him to a doc or somethin’.” Another voice said.

“I’m quite sure, Mr. Svikari. You may take your leave.” The first voice sneered.

I heard the fellow walk away after muttering something under his breath. A door slammed nearby, so I stayed quiet.

“Mr. Gadai, it would seem you’ve awakened.” Came the deceptively calm, gruff voice of the Chief.

“Ugh…”Was my eloquent response. In my defense, getting knocked out in real life ain't nothing like it is in the movies.

“Seems like you could use some sleep: Too bad. You've got a job to do, Mr. Gadai.”

"What the hell? Did you seriously knock me out for a job? You could've just asked, mate.

"I don't ask, lad, I tell. Right now, I'm telling you that you're going to a part of something very important to my friend and I. You should be excited. After all, you'll never have to wear a condom, at the very least." He chuckled darkly

“What the fuck? Wait, mate, come on, now!” I sputtered out. The pain in my head was slowly receding, thought the taste of burnt metal in my mouth was as strong as the monumental headache I was still nursing. I really wasn't excited about the prospects of having my little friend cut off, but there was precious little I could do about it at the moment.

“Perhaps now really isn't the time. You have five hours, Gadai. I suggest you ponder your very limited options.”

With his words falling on effectively deaf ears, The Chief walked out of the dingy room with a relaxed, confident gait. The door slammed behind him sending shards of pain rocketing through my head. The single electric light above me lit the would-be interrogation room, shedding light on some mold and a dead rat in the top left corner of the room. I tested my arms and legs to make sure nothing was broken. Hands? Bound, but intact. Feet? Free to move as they please. Chair? Bolted to the floor, against my previous hopes. Head? Still reeling from Oscar’s special brand of love. It was shaping up to be a long five hours in this little corner of heaven. By the time five hours passed, I could have painted you an exact replica of that damn room, every smoke stain on the wall, coated either on or by mildew, the exact size and shape of that stupid rat, which turned out to just be sleeping. It scurried through a smallish hole in the wall after an hour or so. The dubious fluids on the floor left me with a rotten feeling in my stomach, but none of it seemed like it was blood, so I figured I Was halfway okay for right now. The room was dank and overall just plain nasty.

I was contemplating taking a bite out of my tongue to drown in my own blood before the Chief came back when the door swung open.

Speak of the devil and he shall appear

“So Chief, what brings you to my little piece of heaven? ‘Fraid I can’t offer you a snack. There was a rat, but it scampered off somewhere. Probably went to go sit behind one of those desks upstairs.” Contempt dripped from every word, though the Chief maintained his aloof expression.

“Always the jester, Mr. Gadai. Godfrey, the syringe.” He called into the doorway. A thin, ratty looking man shuffled in with a wooden case in his arms, embroidered in silver.

“Of course sir, here you are sir.” The newly dubbed Rat Bastard wheezed.

The Chief popped the clasps on the fancy box and pulled out a needle longer than my rap sheet. My face went whiter Rat Bastard’s lab coat.

“This, Mr. Gadai, is a… Steroid, of sorts. I’ve been looking for a test subject for an awfully long time, and here you are!” He approached me with an evil gleam in his eyes.

My mouth gaped as he drove the the point into my stomach. My abdomen exploded in pain and my silent scream went unheard. Sadly, things didn't get any better after he drove the plunger on the syringe down until it empty. I'd thought that the pain before was bad, but now it was like I was on fire from the inside out. I blacked out multiple times, only to awaken in agony. I never did learn how long that cycle repeated.

Once the pain started fading, I slowly came back into the world of the living. I was soaked from sweat and something else that I'm none too proud of, but the pain had honestly been that intense. I heaved and panted while dripping sweat, and the Chief just looked on in sick glee. The Rat Bastard was openly touching himself in the most disturbing of ways.

Things got worse after that

I wish I didn’t remember what he did after that. I'll probably carry that to the grave with me, just so no one ever hears about how I was completely dominated like I was a fucking child.
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I woke up in a forest. I could barely move and my head felt like I’d been clubbed by Oscar a dozen times, but the rest of my body just had aches as if I’d just finished practicing my escapes. I’ll… I don’t think I’ll ever forget what that bastard did to me, even if it did feel like a dream, now. I sat up a few minutes later when my head stopped pounding so hard and looked myself over. Most of my clothes were still intact, though my hair felt a bit singed at the ends. I stood and looked around, not recognizing any of my surroundings. It appeared to me that I had awoken in a forest, like I literally just fucking wrote. What the fuck did you expect? The surroundings to change or some shit? Man, I wish I could start that over so I didn't repeat myself because I hate doing that, but there's more important shit to say. It wasn't unlikely that I'd been thought dead after the Chief's little game of darts, or being used as a temporary punching bag... Or the rest of it, but still, I had to get up and get the fuck out of dodge if I didn't want to get caught again.

Welp, time to see if I can still do that trick with the sun I cast my gaze skyward and saw the Sun on the rise, not quite at its summit, but getting close. After getting my bearings, I decided to head south.

The further I get away from the Chief, the faster I can forget.

Every time I took a step, I swear there were at least three roots trying to trip me up. Needless to say, I fell often and I fell hard. Though the ground was soft enough to mitigate some of the impact, my poor gloves still got worn down from patches of saw grass and small stones. It didn't take me long to figure out that I’d have to be more careful. I continued, glancing between the path and the sky for a few hours, only stopping when I came across a river. Cupping my hands, I bent and drank from the fast-moving water. It was far cleaner than the Thames was, that's for sure. When I rose, a large, purple, scaly hand scooped me up and brought me face to face with a river serpent. I just sat and stared for a moment while it rose out of the water, and I thought I was tripping fucking balls.

"Oh hello there little ape! What brings you to my little neck of the river?" It asked. It sounded like it was 'batting for the other team' as one might say. Oh my God, I'm talking to a flaming sea serpent. What the hell was in that needle?

"Oh you know, just resting for awhile, taking a quick drink," He smiled at me creepily "and, uh, just looking to be on my way?" I finished weakly. While the serpent thing was staring at me like a predator stares down a rabbit. Or a serpent and a rodent, take your pick. I took the liberty of studying his multi-colored mustache to stop myself from hurling.

"Oh, I see you've seen my mustache!" He exclaimed, "Why I, Steven Magnet, was once a beautiful serpent! I had the most simply magnificent mustache, that is, before some awful mare chopped half of it off!" He swooned, stroking the purple half of his mustache.

I don't know why he thought I gave a shit, but far be it from me to tell something that can crush me without trying to fuck off. Sounds like a pretty fucking retarded idea to me.

"And while I was wallowing in my darkest of despair, a certain Miss Rarity happened upon me, offering her tail to give me back my beauty! Such selflessness! Such generosity! Such style!"

"That's a nice story, Steven- it was Steven, right?" He nodded "As nice a story as that was, I really must be going, I have to go find shelter for the night." It wasn't a lie per se, it just wasn't the complete truth, but when dealing with a giant talking sea serpent in a strange land, I think it pays to be a bit on the nice side.

"A shame, truly. Do you know if you'll be stopping by Ponyville, perchance?" He asked while batting his lashes.

"I probably will, if I'm not mistaken." I replied, not that I knew just what the hell he was talking about. If there were less of him wherever this Ponyville was, you could count me in. Anything to avoid getting buttfucked by Sinner Serpent over here.

"Then if you wouldn't mind too terribly, could you please take this to my dearest friend, Rarity? You know, the one who saved my mustache?"

He pulled a shiny golden crown from the bottom of the river bed, I assume. It was a nice enough crown, but I've stolen nicer. It had obviously seen better days and I’m sure being on the bottom of a river bed hadn’t done it many favors. He handed it to me and set me on the other side of the river, warning me to not stray off of the path. True to my word, I stayed the path until I saw a smallish village in the distance, thought that walk had taken me hours. It might not have since I didn't exactly have a watch on me, but it felt like it.

I surveyed the village from a distance, taking in as many details as I could. The town looked... Strange to say the least. Most of what I'd seen in Wiltshire had been gray or mossy. This place was... Vibrant, if anything describes it well. The trees were greener than any other I've ever seen. The buildings were a little old fashioned, but they didn't seem quite out of place. One thing was for sure, I wasn't in Wiltshire anymore. I sat and watched the town for a little while because I was fucking tired. I noticed that the people in the distance seemed to be wearing a lot of colorful clothing in layers, and they either all were wearing wigs or had dyed their hair. Suddenly, I hoped that I wasn't in some Tumblr based town that hated men.

Since there was no better way to figure out what I was dealing with than to see it for myself, I stood up and made to leave the tree cover. As I stepped out of the mugginess of the forest, I breathed in the crisp, clean air that washed over me. Being born In a semi-industrial town meant that the air was always thick with smoke; Even parts of the forests were stained black from pollution, but here there were no traces of the heavy pollution my town had become accustomed to. I wandered out of the treeline to further investigate the landscape.

I’d hardly gotten ten paces away from that dank forest when a blue blur rocketed into my side.