I sat back on my cushy bed and watched as Amber peeked in. She grimaced heavily and shook her head. "You're an ass."
I laughed softly as she backed up, behind the dull burgundy wall. She left her chin peeking into the room. "What?"
Amber shook her head and huffed. "You're such a scumbag."
I jostled the bag in my hands. "Oh--oh this?" I bounced the bag of mints in my hands. "You're talking about this."
The bitter doe grumbled and hid behind the door frame. "You know, they haven't left yet. I could go back."
"Oh? But then you'd miss out on all these." I pulled a packaged mint out of the bag and ripped it open. "They really are good. I can't believe you don't have these in the Tsardom." I nipped the end of a mint and sniffed it. "Smells good, tastes good--"
"Alright you son of the bitches!" Amber stomped her hoof and snarled in a very nonthreatening way. "I'll eat your damned candy...you monster."
I laughed heavily. "Oh, now you'll eat them. Not like when I found wrappers everywhere." I set the bag down and met the doe's glare evenly. "I know about the midnight raids."
Amber backed up until her face was half hidden by the door again. "You know, you're the one who brought them."
I snorted. "Yeah? Do you want me to throw them out the window--"
"No!" She screamed in a heavy form of Finnish. "You monster! You absolute monster! Evil creature!" She stomped her hoof. It let out a tiny tap that echoed around the room. "You know I don't--"
"I know it makes you speak like a Finn if you're mad." I laughed and sat back on my bed. "Oh, and It's not great, but thanks for teaching me."
Amber grumbled and ducked down. "Yeah, sure. Not like you foiewhf anyways."
I scratched my ear. "Huh? Didn't catch that."
Amber grunted and lifted her head. "I said, it's not like you listen anyways." She sighed heavily and walked into the room. "Now are you going to give me some or not?"
I reached into the bag and grabbed a mint. "Here, take it."
Amber's antlers sparked with magic as she scooped up the mint. "Fine I-- Oh you're such an ass!" She tried to sheer the package open and ended up dropping the chocolate on the floor. "I hope you die! You're such an evil prick!" She bucked the foot board of my bed and bounded around the room. She hopped around the room like a child. "I want one! Why would you do this to me!?"
I laughed and reached back into the bag. "Is it just you, or does mint make all ya'll nuts?"
"Shut up!" Amber snapped around and jammed herself against the door. "You're such a prick--and I hate you!"
"Hmm--hmm. Okay." I grabbed the bag. "I guess you don't--"
"Stop it!" Amber bashed her hooves against the ground. "Stop it stop it stop it!" She kicked and stomped and swore to herself as I sat there. "Hate!"
I watched her throw her fit. She didn't mean any of it, but when the mints came out, the gloves came off. "You done?"
Amber stomped one last time and screamed. She sat there huffing, hunched over and panting. "...My hooves hurt."
I laughed and stood up. "Well you were stomping and kicking everything. I'd have to imagine it would hurt after a while."
Amber let out a long whine and slowly lowered herself to the ground. "I hurt myself and you laugh at me?! Why!? Why would you do this!?"
I nodded at her. "Should have been an actress, you know that?"
Amber's watering eyes went dry in a single blink. Her horrid moaning gave way to a single grunt. She glared at my boots. "You are a shit. Just a large piece of poo."
"Toothless words." I pulled a mint out and unwrapped it. "Here." I slowly reached down and put the small round mint patty against her cheek. Amber opened her mouth and dropped the mint into her mouth. She chewed it slowly and kept her mouth shut. "Good?" Amber just kept chewing. "You're like a baby." I pulled her forehooves together and plucked her from the ground. I slung her over the back of my neck and held two hooves in either hand.
Amber grumbled to herself as I lifted her up and carried her out of the bedroom, back into a soft peachy colored hall. "Bite--me."
"Oh I will." I carried her out into the sitting room and looked out the window. The later winter streets of Canterlot were dotted with snow, and the occasional couple would walk past my house's window. I took a deep breath and plopped down onto a rickety sofa. "Amber, thanks for staying."
Amber sighed and went slack against my neck. "Yeah...." She huffed and looked towards the window. "...I might have told my family where you live, so, either they might show up, or you might get something lit on fire soon."
I swallowed hard. "What?"
Amber shook her head. "Or maybe they'll just send stuff from my old house. Probably that."
I carefully maneuvered Amber off my neck and onto my lap. She stretched out and touched each arm with her hooves. "Wait, what--"
"Don't worry. I'm joking. Mostly." She coughed and looked to the window. "Families are...big and...." She shook her head. "I wouldn't worry about it too much."
I scratched my neck. "They might come over?" I swallowed hard. "The people I called a bunch of headlight loving idiots...might visit?"
Amber looked up to me and turned her head away. "Visit. Uh...they'll try to move in."
"What?" I put my hand against her belly.
"Yeah...." Amber stretched her toes, each hoof spreading out wide. "Have this whole big thing about large families and sharing the wealth in the family." Amber rubbed her hoof against the couch. "I wouldn't worry, it probably might not, maybe, won't happen."
I felt my skin grow cold. "After what I said, they'd be--"
"Well it'd be expected after what you said." Amber laughed and grew a bit pink. "Oh boy...well, you might end up with other doefriends...so look on the bright side." She reached up and poked my nose with her hoof. "But you'll always be mine...even if you're an ass."
I felt my skin grow cold. "Wait...what?" I stared down at her. "I asked you to stay, and you had this whole big hangup about--"
"Yeah, I did." She frowned and laid her head across the couch. "I'm gonna miss home. And I don't think ponies are gonna like me too much. But you're here, and they're...they're gonna--"
I bit my lower lip. "Did they--"
"They're moving in on the weekend." Amber sighed and went slack. "I told them I was staying, they went back to the tsardom for the week, and they're going to come back and stay with me and you."
I frowned hard. "Amber, why didn't you--"
"You asked me to stay." She whimpered, looking away from me. "I told you it wouldn't be a good idea, but you just had to be all emotional and say nice things to me."
I picked her up and put her over my shoulder, hugging her back against me. "Amber, why!?"
Amber huffed. "Well...family." She laughed softly. "I'm worth it, right?"
I reached my hand out and slapped her square across the flank. She let out a sharp yelp and flipped her tail up. "Amber! Seriously!? This is why I called you-- those things I said...."
"Stupid fucking dipshit deer?" Amber corrected. "You were pretty clear about it."
I grew a bit hot around the cheeks. "You were standing square in a bike trail. You could have moved."
Amber huffed. "Well what would you do if something was coming after you like that!?"
I looked over at her, butting noses with her. "Move? I'd move."
Amber scoffed. "You say that like it's easy."
I pushed my forehead against the base of her antlers. "Amber...it really is that easy." I took a deep breath and stood up. "So, they know I live in a tiny house, right?"
Amber nodded. "I told them it wasn't that big. They said they'll try and get citizenship and settle in. It's not super easy, but it's way easier than moving back to the Tsardom." Amber looked around behind her. "Frank, where are we going?"
"Bedroom."
Amber whimpered softly. "You're gonna hit me, aren't you?"
"No."
"Liar!" Amber tightened up around me. "You're gonna use the stick again!"
"It's a paddle, but yes." I pushed the door open, the bag of mints was still sitting on the bed. "...Amber, I love you."
Amber let out a sharp squeal as I carried her to the bed. "Be gentle this time...."
I set her down on her back. She jammed her thin forelegs against her stomach. "Well, if you invited your family, and we're going to be sharing a house this small, this might be my last time to do this." I pulled open the drawer I kept the paddle in. "Gonna make you scream."
Amber's eyes went wide as I slapped the paddle against my hand. She looked over to the bag of mints and levitated one out. She unwrapped it and slowly started chewing. She looked back to me and shook her head. "Don't tell them about these...."
"I won't." I walked over to her shook my head. "And next time, just give me some heads up. I really don't mind, but I'd like to know with a little more warning."
Amber sighed. "It's not that big a deal."
"I ran you over with a bike in front of them. I called them all retards for standing on the bike trail. I don't think your family likes me too much."
Amber shook her head. "They'll like you more than the ponies. So, look on the bright side."
I scratched the back of my head with the paddle. "Do they know who my boss is?"
Amber pouted. "You always have to make things complicated."
"It's my job." I gave the paddle a practice swing. "So, ready?"
Amber looked back to the bag of mints. "One more."
I shook my head. "Seriously, is it you, or all deer--"
"The price of mint is sixty Ruval per pinch. You take a guess." Amber stuffed two chocolates into her mouth. "You know what, I can't even deal with you right now, just--"
"I'm gonna take that bag away--"
"No!" Amber grabbed the bag and clutched it with all four legs. "Please, Frankie...don't."
I rolled my eyes. "Seriously, got some problems with those things."
Amber nodded. "I know. But its so good I don't even care."
I coughed into my wrist. "So...you're not really--I'm just gonna-" I tossed the paddle against my dresser. "-do this instead." I walked up to the bed and sat down next to her. I spun her sideways to me and placed her over my lap. I grabbed the bag and unwrapped one of the mints. The mint sat square in my palm as I offered it up to her.
Amber looked up at me, then back to my hand. She grew a bit pink and turned to face away. "You're an ass--"
"Mints, deer friend, mints."
Amber grabbed the mint from my palm, kissing my skin lightly on accident. "You're such an ass I swear."
I nodded. "So I've heard."
Amber went back as I placed another on my palm. "...Frank, I don't mean it."
I rubbed her head with my free hand, running my fingertips along the base of her antlers. "I know sweetheart."
Amber relaxed as I brushed my fingers through her mane. She rested the back of her head against my free palm and ate quietly. "Mmm. You can't tease me with this though...I will bite you next time--"
"Sure." I closed my eyes and focused on the feeling of her soft mane in my hand. "All bluster, no bite."
Amber sighed. "Well if you stopped--"
"So, you wanna go get some clothes tailored later?" I opened my eyes to find a puffed up face staring back at me. "That a yes?"
Amber huffed and took another mint from my hand. "I'm gonna kick you." She nuzzled herself into my palm as I teased her antlers. "... Frank, I'm sorry."
"Mmmhmm." I rubbed her head.
Amber relaxed and closed her eyes, softly chewing each mint I fed her. "These things make me--"
"I know. That's why I bought them." I scratched her ear, causing it to flick. "Tsundeer girlfriend has a lot of charm to it."
Amber sighed into my palm as I covered her mouth, no longer feeding her. "I don't even know what that means." Her voice was slightly muffled by my hand. "Mmmhh...you smell like mint."
I kept on pedaling through the path. Amber held onto my back as we zipped through the dirt path just outside of Canterlot commons. "So you sure they'll be here?"
"Well, we were staying close. And this was the easiest place to get directi--"
I spotted a deer as it headed out of the bushes along the path. "Holy fuck--" I veered off the path and onto the grass. The bike wobbled under me but I managed to stop it before I could go ass over elbows. "Fuck! See!" I looked back at Amber, the doe shook slightly as she hopped down off my back. "This is why I called you a fucking idiot! Again!" I got off my bike and kicked it away. "You can't go out on the path like that!"
Amber shook herself hard. She tossed a few sparks into the snowy grass along the path through the mountain town's outskirts. "Okay, that's way more terrifying when you're going that fast!"
"Duuuh-uuuh." I slapped my hand against my chest. "Oh my god...you just come out of the bushes like Solid Snake!"
Amber caught her breath and rubbed her chest. "Why were you going so fast!?"
"Because it's a bike! On a bike path!" I pointed to the cleared out dirt, well raked and cleared of snow by a pony with a plow on his mike, going by a few yards ahead of us. "There's a walking path right there!" I pointed down the soft slope to a paved path maybe ten feet from the bike trail. "You can't do that! This is why the ponies don't like you! You're road hazards!"
Amber puffed her cheeks out. "We can't ride bikes!" She started speaking in Finnish, or whatever she called it. She held up a hoof and stretched her toes. "See these!? These aren't made for those pedal thingies!"
"Well don't start yelling at me like some pissed off drunk because you guys can't stop getting in front of bikes!" I pulled my hair back and looked over at the small herd that was coming out of the bushes. "Jesus...seriously, this is why I got mad the first time." I picked my bike up and turned to face the deer coming out of the bushes. "You can't keep doing that! Just walk on the normal path! It's not that big a deal!"
The deer spotted me and started walking over. Six or so all rather young compared to the full herd that Amber had dropped out of. One of Amber's brothers shook his head and started walking over. "Well, it is apparently a big enough deal you cry about it."
"It's." I corrected, they already knew who I was. "And I meant walking on the walking path. It's really easy. Just stay out of the fucking woods." I rubbed my arm and rolled my bike over to them. They were about the same color as Amber, either shades of reddish brown, pale light brown, or red washed out with white. The bucks had no mane, the doe had shorter antlers.
Amber walked past me and bopped the first buck on the nose. "Morning Argus."
The apparent Argus bopped her back. "Morning Amber."
"Great, Finn meet and greet, now can we go home?" I rolled past them, taking in the herd. Eight in total, three bucks, six doe including Amber, and one big ass caravan two bucks were pulling out of the woods. "Okay, stop--stop, stop stopstop!" I put my hand out towards the pair, but they rammed straight into the treeline and got yanked back by the caravan harness. "Oh my god, you can't just run over trees! Where are you from that you can do that?!" I slapped myself across the forehead and groaned. "Seriously...this is why Equestrians don't like you!"
A small group of ponies, either out biking or walking started gathering up around us. Most were wearing scarves or something to keep warm, but the few faces I could see were locked in complete disbelief or confusion. A dull grey unicorn walked over to me and looked me up and down. "...Ya got deer."
I took a deep breath and nodded. "Yeah...."
He laughed. "They tried to pull it through the trees?"
I nodded again. "Yep...."
The grey coat laughed louder. "Oh man, they're dumb as heck. You want me to go tell the guard, they can bring a chainsaw out here and help you out?"
I took a deep breath and watched as the deer tried to figure out how to pull their caravan through the tiny crack in the treeline. "Yeah...."
The grey mane started snickering and wandered off. "I'll go find a guard station, b r b nerd."
I grimaced hard. "Wow...what a prick." I huffed and watched as my girlfriend and her family failed to navigate a ten foot wide caravan through a yard long slit in the treeline. "Oh my god...come on!" I started to walk over. "It's not going to happen! Just wait!"
The deer tried to push the trees aside. Amber and Argus turned to me, both bickering at eachother before turning it to me. "These trees are terrible, they don't bend." Argus turned around, his tail straight upwards. "A coverage tree should bend--"
"It's not a fucking sapling!" I held my arms out. "I swear, I don't understand where you're from that you think this would work!"
Amber took a deep breath and rubbed her head with her hoof. "Home is a lot of ice plains, taiga, and the few forests there are, are vast and have a lot of space between the trees. And he's right, you should be able to force your way through the path here--"
"It's a hiking trail, not a fucking highway!" I closed my arms around my chest. "Oh my god, how?! How did-- why, why did you come down here if you were just going to fucking-- Ah!" I yelped and let my voice crack. "Fuh-hu-hu-huck!" I shook my head and kicked my bike over. "This spot is satan! This spot sucks all the cocks!"
Amber scratched the ground. "You know we're trying our best to--"
"Just stop pulling the-- sled...that's a sled." I grabbed my head as I spotted the bright metal tracks jutting out of the bottom of the caravan, it's not even rolling, it's just a sled." I sat down in the snow, my ass grew wet and cold as I did. "Amber, I love you baby. But you deer are fucking idiots."
Argus huffed and snapped around to face me. "You come to the Tsardom, see how long you last before someone calls you stupid!"
"Point taken-" I forced myself out of the snow. "-but this is bad! Why didn't you use a road!?"
Argus looked down the bike path. "The road that was big enough was paved. It would have damaged the sled."
"That's why you put wheels on it!" I held my arms out. "Wheel go turn, wheel doesn't scrape up the fucking cobblestone, wheel far superior to filthy sled track!"
A soft chime came from down the bike trail. A human guard on a bike slowly coasted over with a pegasus flying overhead. "Canterlot Royal Guard, what hap-- Oh, nice." The woman rolled to a stop and looked up and down the mobile home trapped in the treeline. "How'd you get it in there?"
I walked over and shrugged. "Look, they're new here, they're coming down a long way, and I have no idea. Can you help or not?"
The guard started laughing and pointed up. "Dewey brought a saw."
The pegasus that was flying overhead slowly fluttered down and back against the earth. He had a large Dewalt chainsaw strapped to his back. "So...I didn't think it would be this. I thought it would be like...a log on the path or something." The pegasus started laughing and pulled the chainsaw off his back. "Monica, you got this?"
The human guard dismounted her bike and went over. "Yeah. Next time bring Swirl, he can do this on his own." She grabbed the saw and started trying to figure out how to cut the caravan free.
I stood next to Amber and Argus. We all watched as the guard cut a hole in the treeline to let them pull it through. Amber looked up at me, eyes wide and a bit watery. "We're not good at Canterlot...I told you."
I rubbed my face. "Yeah...you're not." The caravan lurched forward and was out onto the open area between the bike path and the walking trail. "Really not good." I looked at the beast of a cart. "You're gonna park that in my lawn, aren't you?"
Argus scratched his head. "You have land? I thought you were poor."
"Well fuck you too." I looked around again. "...Someone stole my bike...." I dropped to my knees and grabbed my face. "Whhhhhy!?"
"If we met again..."
"Don't."
I dropped down to one knee. "If we spent more time together..."
Amber shook her head, her antlers sparking slightly. "Frankie, don't." Her voice was soft, her tone low. "Please."
I swallowed hard and looked up to her. I lifted her hoof up with one hand, spreading her pads apart with my index finger. Her coat was warm, her pads dotted with damp snow. "If I could take back what I said..."
Amber tried to pull her hoof away. She tugged once, forcing my fingers apart but keeping her hoof on my fingertips. "Frank, please...don't."
I took a deep breath and looked past her, unable to face her. The thick collection of trees that sat behind her walled us in. The stripped branches felt like they were holding us in place in the damp clearing surrounded by snow. "If I was like you..."
Amber leaned forward and jammed her forehead against my own. "Frank...it's not going to happen."
"If you weren't leaving..." I stared deep into her rust hued eyes. The deep black centers glistened slightly in the pale morning light. Her mouth parted only at the center, forming the smallest pouting frown I could imagine. Her eyes were drawn down, eyebrows peeked upward near the center. Ears laid back. Body loose. Legs shaking in the cold winter morning. "Could I ask you to stay?"
Amber shook her head. Her antlers patted my temples as she did. "Frank, no." She leaned forward and planted the top of her muzzle against my shoulder. "Why...why would you ask me something like that?"
I felt my stomach twist a single notch. I put my arms around the back of her neck, holding her against me. I could feel the tip of her ear against my thumb. "I'm sorry. I needed an answer." I pulled her tight and pressed my eyes against her neck.
Amber huffed sharply. "I come to say goodbye, and you ask me that!" She started the shriek towards the end of her words. "I can't believe you!"
I felt my eyes burn roughly. "I'm sorry."
"You're not even a pony! You're not supposed to be here!" She pushed against my shoulder with her chest. "I can't go to Canterlot! You know I can't!"
I took a single quick breath and shifted my knee to the side. "I'm sorry!"
Amber whimpered softly. "Frank...how am I supposed to answer that?" She pulled back and looked at me, dead on, unblinking. Her black nose burned slightly pink. Her soft cream and washed out red coat wore well on her. "Frank...why would you ask me such a stupid question?"
I swallowed hard. "I just had to know--"
"You already knew!" she screamed. She took a deep breath and screamed right in my face. "Frank! You knew the moment you asked me to come say goodbye!" She stopped and donned a deep frown. "No, you can't ask me to stay." She shook her head gently. A few tears dripped down from the corner of her eyes. "You can't ask me something you know the answer to." She jammed her eyes shut and forced her head into the nook of my shoulder. "...You have to make things so complicated." She pressed a hoof against my thigh. "You have to be such a stupid asshole!" She nuzzled my arm. The loud rustling sent a shiver down my spine. "Such an idiot, Frankie."
I dug my fingers into her coat and watched her tail wiggle. "I didn't know--"
Amber yanked her head back, knocking the back of my head with her short antlers. "Well you should have!" She poked me in the chest with her hoof. "What did you think I would say!?"
"No--"
"Then you're an idiot!" She shoved me hard with both hooves. I stumbled back and fell to my ass. "Honestly!"
I tried to stand up. Amber shoved me back down and onto my back. She stood over me. "I was gonna go home...." She laid down against my chest. "I was gonna get a dog when I got back!" She stared down at me, her rust colored eyes forcing me to look away. "I was gonna start a family.... And you come, and you ask me to stay." She huffed loudly. "You took my family away...." She laid down with the side of her muzzle across my lips. "You'd better replace it...."
I slid my hands over Amber's sides. They came to a stop along her back and dug in. "I promise I'll work harder."
"Frank, shut up."
"I'll make up for what I said." I squeezed her against me, burying my mouth in her neck. "I promise I'll make it better."
"Frank, shut up!"
I closed my eyes and held her tight. "I'll take you anywhere! I promise! Please, just stay with me and I'll follow you anywhere."
Amber leaned her head up and looked down at me. "Frank-" She ducked down and kissed my forehead. "-Canterlot is fine. But they'll--"
"They'll treat you fine." I pulled her head down until she rested flat against me. "If they don't, I'll make them."
Amber sighed loudly. "You can't make ponies do what they don't want to."
"Then we'll move." I sat upright. Amber sat calmly on my lap, her back hooves splayed out while her forelegs kept her stable. "Equestria's a big place! And you name a place, I'll go with you!"
Amber leaned against me. "The Tsardom?"
I took a deep breath. "You need me to change, you need me to be like you, to be a pony, a griffon, you tell me and I'll do it."
Amber sighed loudly. "Frank, I need you to be you." She forced my chin up with her nose. "Now, take me home." She sniffled softly. "I think we're gonna get sick." Her antlers started to glow as she levitated a scarf from her saddlebags. "I was gonna give this to you." She wrapped it around her neck, covering herself up to her chin. "I think I'm going to need it more if we're staying out in Canterlot.... Stupid cold."
I slowly got to my feet. I cradled Amber's rear in my right arm and held her to my chest with my left. Her forelegs dug into my wrist. "I'll go--"
"Home. Frank, take me home." She sighed and pressed her forehead against my neck, her antlers jutting off against my shoulder. "Ponies don't trim their horns, do they?" She huffed and turned her head down, poking my cheek with her antlers. "They'd better learn."
