Chapters Cave Johnson and Twilight Sparkle here! Let's do this for Science!
I will burn your house down!
"Cave Johnson here, and Twilight and I are hiding out in trees inside of Sweet Apple Acres. There are explosive citrus fruits on every tree, but they look like apples. Twi, are you ready to collect data?"
"Everything's ready sir!"
"Shh, here she comes." Apple jack walked out of the barn, completely unaware of the lemons disguised as apples. She yawned and stretched, then licked her lips. It was still early. The sun had just risen up over the tree line. Our scientists both held kaleidoscopes, because they couldn't find binoculars. "Watch carefully, she's about to buck a tree," Johnson whispered to Twilight. Applejack trotted over to the nearest tree, turned around, readied her back legs, and slammed them into the lemon tree. Dozens of lemons fell down all around her. She picked up the first one in her mouth, then looked weirdly at the 'apple's' odd shape. Twilight was rapidly writing down every detail she found.
"What 'n tarnation?" Applejack said, examining the lemon. The painted lemon started peeling off its paint as it grew. Within seconds, the lemon combusted in an explosion of lemon juice and fire. A large black ring formed around Applejack, and her face was charred. She opened her eyes and blinked. "Twi... LIGHT!" She screamed into the air.
"Uh oh, uh, we should start running now!" Johnson told Twi. They both jumped out of the tree, running for their lives as Applejack raced after them. "Well, *huff* I think that turned out well," Johnson said to Twilight as they ran for their lives. "Twi, *pant* how much scientific data did you get?"
"A picture of a super model tripping down a walkway." Twi quickly told him, as they ran past trees.
"Now, that's good science!"
Cave Johnson and Twilight Sparkle here! Let's do this for Science!
"Careful Twi, careful," Cave Johnson directed Twilight has she held a cup 'o coffee with industrial tongs. The coffee was ninety percent caffeine. Any reaction at all would be an amazing one, if not one that will cause a nuclear melt down, thereby dooming Equestria to a fallout. Oh well, it's for science! "Now, bring in the test subject." They all were in a lab room, that was three miles underground and covered in five inch steel. A large bullet-proof window revealed an area with Pinkie Pie standing off to the side. It was completely white, with the exception of the large yellow 'X' in the middle, which was a symbol where the coffee will go. A robotic arm hung from the ceiling, holding onto a cup 'o Joe. It was covered in red warning labels. Twilight was on a console that was connected to the robotic arms. "Okay, now lower it." Twilight did as told, and the arms slowly went down. The coffee was placed gently on the floor, not a drop spilled. The arm quickly shot upwards back into the ceiling. Twilight held a clipboard in her hoof and a pencil in her mouth. Her eyes were fixated on what would happen. Cave Johnson tapped his hooves together, in nervousness.
Pinkie Pie smelled the air, and found the steaming coffee. She trotted over to it, with utmost curiosity. Her tongue was out, getting ready to drink out of the coffee. Every inch she got closer to the hot beverage, the two scientists got closer to the glass. Pinkie put her mouth on the cup, sniffed in the air, and dove right into the cup. She disappeared in a splash of brown liquid.
"Where did she go?" Twilight asked Cave Johnson.
"I have no idea," was Cave's only answer. They stood in silence for a few more moments, then an insane Pinkie Pie shot out of the cup, bouncing all around the room. The glass cracked as she crashed into walls. An alarm went off.
"ALERT ALERT! CRAZY LEVELS IN TEST SECTOR V ARE REACHING DANGEROUS LEVELS!" Said a robotic voice. The glass window grew bigger cracks with every bounce from Pinkie.
"Bad idea bad idea! Run away!" Cave Johnson yelled as they ran into an elevator. Twilight slammed the up button as they piled in. Elevator music played in the background as it slowly rose upwards.
"Wait," Twilight asked, "when did we get elevators in Equestria?" Cave Johnson only shrugged. After a minute or so of awkward silence, the elevator opened and they were outside.
"I think the lab's okay. We should head ba-" *BOOM* A large explosion exploded in front of them, right over the lab. Pinkie Pie shot upwards, and then landed near the two scientists. Pinkie then ran around them.
"Hiya!" Pinkie said as she ran around them. "That coffee was good I love coffee have you ever tried coffee I need more coffee I wonder what was even in that stuff oh hey I didn't see you there Twi have you tried the coffee I love coffee can I have more coffee!" Pinkie took a breath of air, then shot up into the sky, like a rocket.
"There goes the lab..." Cave Johnson said to himself.
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Cave Johnson and Twilight Sparkle here! Let's do this for Science!
If all goes right, we'll have giant orbital friendship cannons
"Cave Johnson here, yet again. Thought you killed me? Well, too bad. Although I liked the death-by-daytime-television idea, it just didn't have enough giant lasers that like tofu. Now, back to science. Twi, what's next on the list?" Twilight flipped through her clipboard full of poorly drawn Companion Cubes. She came across a list,
Twilight recalled on how hard it is to write with hooves. She then started to panic, as she had nothing planned for the fourth idea. The last thing Twilight wanted was to disappoint her mentor. Her mind raced for ideas on what they could do. Then she remembered stumbling upon Rainbow Dash painting her hair once, for no apparent reason. Twilight pondered how she could make the paint fall off, like in those cartoons where someone runs away, and their outline stays. An incandescent light bulb went off above her head, but she swatted it away. Then a compact fluorescent lamp appeared over her head, and she got an idea. But she swatted that away also, she hates hipster light bulbs.
"Sir, I've got it!" Twilight told Johnson. "If we could harnass the power of the rainbow, we could make a giant laser thing that shoots lasers!"
"Hmm, I heard the word laser... let's do it! Maybe we can use it to remove that slime thing that's been eating our scientists. Poor Colgate, she was so close to finding a radioactive toothpaste that only caused minor green peanut butter cravings. So, how do we harness this 'rainbow' thing?"
"I believe if we speed up a rainbow-colored object fast enough to break the sound barrier, it will cause a large enough blast for us to capture the energy and put it into a giant satellite laser in the sky."
"Good thinking, Twi. This is exactly what we need at Aperture. So, since flinging inanimate objects at high-speeds isn't fun, whose the test subject?"
"I suggest Rainbow Dash!"
"Good, where can we kidnap- I mean borrow him/her/it/giant-robot/portable-hamburger?"
"Uh, she usually hangs out on top of clouds."
"You know what that means..."
"Giant fan time!" They both said in unison.
"So... where exactly did we get this giant fan, Twi?" Johnson asked Twilight as they stood outside, with a giant fan towering over the clouds. It looked like this:
But about thirty times larger.
"I won it in a cereal box," Twilight replied.
"Good enough for me, hit it!" Twilight nodded, and slammed her hoof on a large red button that was on the back of the fan. The fan started to spin and make a whirring sound. All clouds in its direction shot away from it, causing all pegasus that were floating on clouds to fall off. The sky rained literal ponies as the two scientists searched for their rainbow-mullet test subject.
"Found her!" Cave Johnson said as he dragged Rainbow Dash over to Twilight.
"Hey! Lemme go!" Rainbow Dash yelled at them.
"On second thought, I think this might be a guy," Cave Johnson said as he met Twilight. "Now, let's drag him back to the lab."
"Hey! This is so NOT cool!" Rainbow Dash complained as she was strapped into a horse carriage with a giant rocket engine loosely duck-taped on. Twilight finished taping Rainbow Dash to the top of the carriage, and gave the all clear sign to Johnson. Cave nodded, and lit the fuse on the back of the rocket. Then the two scientists ran away, then jumped behind a thin piece of glass nearby. The rocket's fuse got shorter and shorter, until it disappeared inside of the large device. For a second, it seemed like a dud.
"Uh, is it working?" Twilight asked.
"It has to! Science won't fail us-" Cave said, as he was interrupted with, *BOOM*
The carriage shot forward, leaving an outline of rainbow that quickly dispersed into thin air. Rainbow Dash yelled as she went near-light speed. A cone formed around the carriage, then a large explosion of rainbow shot out in all directions.
"I will never forget thissssssss!" Rainbow Dash yelled as she flew away from our scientists.
"Twi, is the ramp in place?" Cave Johnson asked Twilight.
"Yes, and I even got the one that shoots jello at hipsters and Santa Claus," Twilight replied.
"Good thinking." Rainbow Dash sped towards the wooden, poorly-built ramp. Once the carriage touched the ramp, it disintegrated into saw dust, and Rainbow Dash shot past it.
"Uh, Mr. Johnson sir, there may be a problem," Twilight said as she noticed the ramp.
"Any backups?" Cave Johnson asked.
"Oh yeah! I planted a remote-detonated mine in case this particular event happened!"
"You're my number one student! Hit it!" Twilight nodded, and pressed the button on a remote that just appeared in her hooves. Rainbow Dash ran over the mine, and it exploded. She was charred, but unharmed. The carriage she was strapped to flew upwards, straight into a conveniently-placed giant laser satellite in the sky. A bar on it lit up green.
"Full power achieved, Orbital Friendship Cannon is ready to be activated," said a robotic voice on the satellite. Then, Rainbow Dash fell back down to Earth, but conveniently landed in a large trampoline designed to keep penguins from growing three flippers and shooting tacos out of their eyes. Twilight and Cave Johnson highhoof'd each other, and said in unison,
"For science!"
"Now, let's fire this baby," Cave Johnson said as he hit a red button on a remote that appeared out of nowhere.
The rainbow-colored blast hit Rainbow Dash as she flew toward the two scientists to beat them up. Once the beam subsided, a burnt Rainbow Dash flew to the ground.
Cave Johnson and Twilight Sparkle here! Let's do this for Science!
"As you all should know, Cave Johnson here, and Twilight and I will be making a volcano. And no, we won't be making those ones that shoot out that goop stuff like that one kid from bring your filly to work day. Originally, it was going to be real lava, but we didn't have the budget for that. So, we're taking whatever is left from the lab, and dumping it in a volcano-shaped container. Also, I'd like to introduce our backup scientist, Derpy!"
"Hello everypony watching and mom! Sorry, but Twilight had to take a break from testing, she said something about killer Canadian mayonnaise. So, I'll be filling in for her. For our first test, we shall be pressing large red buttons on scientific thingys," Derpy said as she sat upside down in a chair next to Cave Johnson in their lab.
"I couldn't have said it better myself. Poor Twilight, but we can't let her no-longer perfect attendance record get in the way of science. Now, let's transition to our experimental lab," Cave Johnson said.
"Wait, who are we even talking to?" Derpy asked. Cave only shrugged.
"Cave Johnson here, and we're back! Derpy and I are standing outside, in some meadow, a mile away from that glowing sticky stuff we threw into the plastic volcano. After about three minutes of staring at the substance, our research has determined that we can use the power of math to determine the level of damage this experiment will cause to Equestria. Derpy, punch those numbers in and see what we get." Derpy started hitting buttons on a calculator. She realized she didn't have fingers, and using calculators isn't possible. "What did we get, Derpy?"
"Muffins!" Derpy said.
"Good, I hate those donut-fakers we call bagels." Then the scientists held up hamsters to their eyes. Johnson lowered his, and said, "Uh, Derpy, these aren't binoculars." Derpy then lowered her hamster, blushed, and gave Cave a pizza. "Good idea!" Derpy continued to use the hamster as binoculars, while Johnson rolled up the pizza, and looked through it.
A mile away, at what they're looking at, we see a small, brown plastic volcano. A green substance bubbled and stirred inside of it. A small robotic arm, with the words, 'For science!' printed on it, went over the volcano, and dropped a blue rock into it. The green goop grew to massive size rapidly, swallowing everything in its path. Luckily, there were no towns nearby. Then green ninjas started jumping out of the stuff, using teddy bears as weapons. They also had poker night every Tuesday. But the teddy bear-wielding ninjas aren't important, our scientists are.
"Hmm, the ninjas are a nice touch. I think they came from our failed experiment, 'ninja-in-a-can.' Though I can't remember where the teddy bears came from," Johnson said to Derpy.
"Uh, that green stuff is getting kinda close. I think we should use the escape pods," Derpy said.
"You brought escape pods along?"
"Yep!"
"Good thinking, let's use 'em." The two scientists jumped into a two-person escape pod that appeared behind them. The doors shut, and they launched into the sky. "So, where are we headed?"
"I don't know." The escape pod then started staggering, and fell into the goop it was flying over. "Hmm, now would be a good time for the ejection seats."
"Ejection seats in an escape pod? Talk about redundancy, I love it! Hit that large red button over there, that's usually the button that does the cool stuff." Derpy saluted, and slammed her hoof on the large red button. The ceiling opened up, and the seats shot out. The seats used rockets, and traveled back to the lab.
"Well, I'd say that was good science," Cave said to Derpy as they walked back into their lab.
"Wait, what happens to that green stuff then?" Derpy asked.
"I'm sure Celestia will take care of it. Just don't tell anypony it was us." They then highhoof'd each other, while Derpy said,
"Yeah! Science!"
Cave Johnson and Twilight Sparkle here! Let's do this for Science!
"Cave Johnson *cough* here. I have a *cough* bit of a cold. Luna sneezed on me, *cough* so I won't be doing any science for today. So, *cough* I handed off the experiment to..." Cave holds up paper to his face. "Pinkie Pie, who after I realised how much scientific data we got from her, I just knew that Aperture could use her. Her co-scientist is somepony named Lyra. But anyway, Pinkie and the other one should be setting up the experiment as I speak. Oh yeah, and as an update from Twilight, she tracked down the condiment-mayonnaise thing, but it made an igloo out of mother-in-laws, and Twilight is having a hard time getting it out. This is Cave Johnson, and we're done here."
"Party, party, party!" Pinkie yelled as her and Lyra slid across Antarctica on sleds designed for ponies. Frozen wasteland surrounded them on all sides, with the exception of poorly drawn penguins dotting the ice.
"Pinkie, this is fun and all, but shouldn't we be testing something now?" Lyra yelled over the roar of Pinkie's sliding.
"Oh yeah, silly me, we didn't go to Earth just to sled. But it's still fun!" Pinkie jumped off the moving sled, and the sled spun and stuck itself upright in the snow, right next to Pinkie. Lyra slowed to a stop and get off, while standing next to Pinkie.
"Ahem, Lyra and Pinkie Pie here. Cave Johnson made some teleporter thing, and he sent us to Earth to examine the poorly drawn creatures that live here. We'll start off with penguins, because we hear they can make edible websites. Pinkie, if you will, go find a good specimen. And keep your hooves away from their edges, they aren't made of candy that you can eat." Pinkie saluted.
"Aye aye!" She then used her stomach and slid down the hill, holding her arms out. Penguins collected in her open arms. Once she was at the bottom of the hill, she stood up and hugged all the jagged penguins in her arms. "I need to put some of you in tight spandex..." Pinkie Pie then made her way back up the hill. Lyra tapped her hoof impationatly. Lyra then saw Pinkie coming up the hill, holding a emo sea lion.
"Pinkie... I said get a penguin. Do you know what a penguin is?"
"Yeah, and I have a penguin in my hoov- Where'd it go?!" Pinkie dropped the sea lion. "Uh, sorry, I don't know what happend. That seal just appeared out of nowhere."
"That's a sea lion."
"No, it's gotta be a seal."
"I was once a sea pony, and I know what a sea lion is."
"Seal."
"Sea lion."
"Seal."
"Fine! I don't care! Just get a penguin!"
"Kay!" Pinkie then dived back down the hill. While waiting for Pinkie, Lyra pulled out a bag of Rarity-mallows. She picked up a Rarity-shaped marshmallow, and chomped on it. She wondered what they were even made of, since they were a gift from Bon-bon. Pinkie Pie appeared next to Lyra, holding a rockhopper penguin.
"Good, we can use this one. Pinkie, are you ready?"
"Yep lep mep!" Pinkie then dressed the penguin in a pirate blouse.
"Get back here!" Yelled Twilight as she slid across the ice with magical sleds. She was chasing some kind of mobile igloo made out of middle-aged women. The scientists just shrugged. Pinkie then wrapped the penguin in a thin layer of rainbow foil. Then Lyra grabbed the penguin, gave it a coconut filled with eggnog, and pushed him into a cannon. Pinkie went behind the cannon, and pulled the string. After a short delay, a boom was heard, and the penguin slid out. Only it wasn't a penguin, it was turned into a jellyfish that does laundry every time somepony realises that traffic light buttons do nothing at all. The scientists looked at each other, then they highhoof'd, and said in unison,
"For science!"
Cave Johnson and Twilight Sparkle here! Let's do this for Science!
"Cave Johnson here, and we have a doozy for the test today. Our scientists spent all last night designing this glove that gives the user the superpower that they've always wanted. I tried it, and the sky rained companion cubes. I was disintegrating those things for weeks. But back to science, I have Shyflutter here with me, since she's volunteering to be our first volunteer. Go on, say hello to the invisable crowd of people watching us." Fluttershy was hiding behind her chair. She slowely poked her head out.
"Mr. Johnson sir, it's Flut-" Fluttershy attempted to say, before getting cut off.
"Flutters, you can't hide behind that chair all day, there's science to be done."
"O-okay, but my name is-"
"No time for names, put on this glove."
"But I can't... I'm really sorry..."
"Why? What's the problem?"
"No no, you should just find another pony."
"No, I need you for this."
"Are you sure? Do you really want to know what's wrong?"
"Yes!"
"Well, we don't have hands nor fingers, I can't wear this, it's an ugly green and purple, it's glued not stitched, the amount of energy coming off that thing could kill us all if it failed, and Celestia banned science after the goop and ninjas attacked Canterlot." Johnson stood there, wide-eyed at the large amount of problems that she found. He never thought she could complain like that.
"I see your problems, but you can just slip it over your hoof, Shutterfly."
"It want me to, I guess I could do that."
"Now that's what I like to hear, here's the glove." Cave handed the glove to Fluttershy, who then slipped it over her hoof.
"So, how do I use it?"
"I have no idea, we never got that far testing." Fluttershy got scared and tried to take the glove off, but turned into a tree as she touched the glove. "Huh, so that's how it works. That reminds me, what did I do with that poorly drawn guy, I think he called himself Treeman."
It was this.
Cave then shrugged, and left the lab to find other test subjects.
An hour later.
"I will punch thee with tofu!" Princess Luna yelled at Celestia as she assaulted her with rectangular-shaped tofu. They both stood in the throne room, with blown-up chunks of wall missing and a Canadian licking a keyboard spinning in the corner.
"When did you learn the art of tofu?!" Celestia asked Luna, as she shielded herself from Luna's tofu.
"I learned to use it as a medium on my first day at art school!"
"Uh, Mr. Camera man, we're over here, you can record us, if that's okay with you..." Fluttershy said, making a transition happen and the scene focusing on Cave Johnson and various ponies standing in a line. The background was a generic grass meadow.
"Okay, now it's time to test. Some of you may not make it, so we'll be sure to send your loved ones ponymart giftcards.
"Wait what!? I might die?!" Rarity squeaked.
"What? No, I mean you'll just have a sudden urge to impulse buy bad clothes." Rarity then dramatically fainted. Two giant doughnuts ran behind her, and dragged her off. "Okay, who's first?"
"Oh, me me! Me! Meeeeeeee!" Pinkie yelled from the end of the line.
"Uh, yes, the pink one. Step up."
"Yippee!" Cave trotted over to her, and sliped the glove over her hoof. Pinkie jumped into the air, and emitted a bright pink light. The ponies were blinded as Pinkie rose into the air. The light then dispersed, and she turned into a toster. The toaster landed on the ground, dinged, and spat out two bendy iPods. Fluttershy fainted from the ding, and two eclairs walked up and dragged her away.
"Hey, have the paramedics been changing pastries? I could've sworn they were doughnuts before. Whatever, more science."
"Ahem," Celestia said as she teleported behind Cave. She was covered in tofu bits. "I don't think giving Luna an endless supply of tofu was a good idea. Nor are any of your other experiments. I will politely ask you to refrain from causing mayhem in my kingdom, Mr. Johnson."
"Uh... hey look, a thing!"
"What?"
"In the sky!" Celestia turned around and looked up.
"I certainly don't see-" Celestia said, before she was interrupted by a glove being slipped on her hoof. "What the?" Celestia then shot into the sky, and turned into your math teacher.
"Well, that worked. Okay ponies," Cave said as he turned back to the test subjects. "We have two days before she turns back. I think we can finally use that glowing stuff we stole from Chrysalis. And hopefully this time it won't start shooting lions wearing Rainbow Dash costumes at us."
"I'm back!" Twilight yelled as she trotted toward Cave Johnson. "What the... what did I miss?"
Cave Johnson and Twilight Sparkle here! Let's do this for Science!
Weapons test: bananas and cuteness
"Cave Johnson here, long time no see, everypony. So I've been thinking, what if somepony just walks in a dark alley, then gets assaulted by fruit? I mean, what would he do!? There's no way he'd survive a banana to the face, so that's why I will be trying to weaponize everyday things, such as fruit, Fluttershy's cuteness, toilet plungers, bad music, toast, printers, math... Uh, that's all I got. Anyway, I'll be handing the lead to Twilight now."
"Thank you, Mr. johnson sir. It's good to be back in our lab... talking to this blank wall... again... with nopony watching us. Uh, anyway, let's transition to the testing fields." The two scientists disappeared in a flash of black that covered the screen. The scene opened up to Pinkie Pie taking a bath. She happily hummed Smile to herself as the water washed over her. She opened her eyes, staring directly at the audience.
"Oooh, the author put the wrong transition in. Don't worry, I'll fix it!" A series of exploding ninjas jumped around the screen, accompanied by cats with lasers strapped onto their backs. Once the transition subsided, the new scene revealed our two scientist standing on a familir meadow. A white table was laid out in front of them. It was covered with various items, and a strange alien gun thing. That had a fake Chuck Norris beard on it.
"Welcome, everypony!" Twilight said as she faced the audience. "I'm the main character and-"
"Wait wait, I'm the main character," Johnson interrupted Twilight. There was a brief pause as Twilight learned the hierarchy of the story.
"Oh. Okay then, back to science... Is that a hitchhiking otter?" Twilight pointed to an otter on the table. The otter had his thumb up, and the words, 'Death to thumbtacks' was on his head. Cave pushed the otter off the table, and it ran away.
"Nope! Now, let's weaponize this nose hair comb!"
"For science!"
"Twi, get the gun thingy that turns things into other things that you can attack ponies with,"
"Don't you mean the gun thingy that turns objects into things that you can attack ponies with?"
"Oh yeah, that. Let's start this test!" Twilight picked up the alien gun thing in her hooves, aimed it at the nose hair comb, and a green chunk of yogurt blasted out.
Meanwhile, at a random shopping center.
"Whadda mean I can't go in there!" Lyra yelled.
"I'm sorry, but all customers must be wearing shopping carts on their hooves. It's a rule," the store owner said as he blocked Lyra from entering.
"How do I get these shopping carts?"
"You can buy them in this store, and only this store."
"Then how do I get them if you won't let me in!?"
"You must do math while dancing to The Pinkie Pokie."
"Noooooooo! Not math! Anything but that! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo *cough* ooooooooooooooooooo! Oh, hey Rarity. Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" Rarity walked past the screaming Lyra, and had shopping carts on her hooves.
Back to the scientists.
The nose hair comb glowed purple, and morphed into a fried marshmallow. A mouth on the marshmallow took shape, along with yellow eyes and a rainbow unibrow. "Eat me, eat me, eat me," the marshmallow chanted in a German accent. Cave nudged it with his hoof, making it fall over. "Ow! Dat kinda hurt. Are you still gonna eat me?" Out of nowhere, Starfire dived at the marshmallow from the air. She grabbed the food in her mouth, and flew off.
"Well, didn't see that coming," Johnson said.
"Was it for science?" Twilight asked.
"Everything's for science! Except eating soggy toast. That's never science."
"Okay, next experiment! Let's see... Fluttershy's cuteness."
"I'll just... stand back here. You can do it." Cave Johnson then ran back about 50 feet. Twilight aimed the alien gun at Fluttershy, and pulled the trigger. This time, frozen hippies shot out. They all fell a few inches short of Fluttershy, but Fluttershy flinched, causing a shockwave of cuteness to hit Twilight. Twi's eyes spun around as she tried to stand. Cave Johnson walked up to her, and held her still. Twilight shook her head and returned to normal.
"I'd call that a success."
"I would also, now, what can we do with bananas?"
"Mr. Johnson sir, why bananas? Why not pointed sticks?"
"Pointed sticks? POINTED STICKS!? What if some psychopathic lunatic comes rushing at you at night, with a basket of fresh fruit!?"
"Yeah!"
"Then what will you do!? What would happen if somepony lunges at you with a passion fruit!? You'd be dead!"
"Yeah! You're right! We need to train everypony in Equestria about fruit self-defense before something bad happens! Can you think of all that damage somepony can cause with an orange?! We need to lockdown Sweet Apple Acres before anypony can realize how many ponies they could hurt with that many apples!"
"Um, excuse me Mr. Johnson, but I don't think that's really possible." Fluttershy said. Cave ran up to her.
"Oh, so when you get assaulted by cherries, DON'T COME CRYING TO ME!" Cave yelled, then breathed heavily.
"Okay! Sorry!"
"I think the science dude just went off the deep-end," Rainbow said to the block of cardboard she was playing poker with on a cloud over Cave Johnson.
Cave Johnson and Twilight Sparkle here! Let's do this for Science!
A silent ninja drops by the entrance to the lab, the soft thud of hooves hitting the dirt the only sound being made.
“Black Mesa makes best science,” the ninja whispered to himself in a hushed tone. He then knocked on the front door.
“Who’s there?” said one of the late night scientists as she peeked through a little hole in the door.
“Uh, cough, Cave Johnson,” said the ninja in a comically bad german accent, which Cave doesn’t even have.
“Who says ‘cough’? Why not just cough? Eh, whatever. Boss, you sound different. And you are dressed like a ninja.”
“Uh... I... I have a cold! And uh, my calendar is off, I thought it was Nightmare Night.”
“Who has Nightmare Night in July? Eh, seems legit. Come in, Mr. Johnson sir.” The scientist opened the door and trotted off.
“I can’t belive that actually worked.” As the ninja walked through the door, he noticed the large hole next to the door that he could’ve just walked through. He then facehoofed at his own stupidity, and then closed the door on his way in. His eyes scanned the hall, finding nothing moving. Once that was done, he trotted down the hall.
“Now, where is the power source of this place?” He slammed his head into a large, yellow, glowing sign that said, ‘POWER SOURCE TURN RIGHT.’ Well. He ducked his head into the door the sign pointed to, and inside, he found thirty or so hamsters running on hamster wheels. A black cable was connected from the wheels, to an unusually large battery on the other side of the room.
“Aperture science’s labs are powered by... hamsters? Are they serious?”
“Yes, we are, and they’re from the hamster races,” Twilight said as she blocked the ninja from leaving the room. “What are you doing here? Wait, I know those markings on your suit. You’re from Black Mesa.”
“You race.. hamsters...?”
“Long story short, hamster flavored coffee didn’t sell too well, and we had tons of hamsters left over.”
“I don’t even know what to think about that.”
“Back on topic, what are you doing here?” The ninja didn’t reply, and instead, threw a pickle, that looked like Celestia’s flank, on the ground. There was a brief moment of silence as they stared at the green object on the floor.
“Er, that wasn’t suppose to happen,” the ninja said, while searching for his smoke bombs.
“Pinkie! Sound the alarms!” Twilight shouted down the hall.
“We got rid of the alarms to make room for the talkative rocks,” Pinkie shouted back down the hall.
“Nice day we’re having I like chocolate ever been to space I want to be a kangaroo when I grow up,” one of the many talkative rocks rambled on about. There were 50 or so rocks dressed in various hats and ties. They all chatted constantly with each other in a large glass dome with many of the late night scientists writing down everything the rocks said. Needless to say, the scientists had a lot of paper.
“Yeah, in retrospect that wasn’t a good idea,” Twilight said as the ninja finally threw down his smoke bombs. Smoke exploded into the room, blocking every inch of Twilight’s view. The ninja pushed past Twilight and ran down the hall.
“You’ll never get me!” The ninja yelled.
“Get back here!” Twilight yelled back, and ran after him. The ninja trotted into an unlabeled door, which as we all know, means bad things will happen.
"You'll never find me here!" The ninja shouted before disappearing into the room.
"The rave party for potatoes? Why is he going in there?" Twilight chased him into the room, to find bright flashing rainbow lights spin all over the room, with motionless potatoes laying on the flashing dance floor. Twilight examined the potatoes, expecting the ninja to hide as one. After a quick sweep, she spotted a white potato. "An albino potato?! He's mine!" Twilight grabbed the potato and ran out of the room. The ninja got up off the floor, and ran out of the room. But Twilight heard him, and dropped the potato to chase after the ninja. The camera panned to Pinkie, who watched after Twilight chase the ninja.
"Author, stop calling that guy 'the ninja', it's getting annoying," Pinkie said to the camera. "Let's call him Steve. That was one of the names I was going to choose for Gummy."
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Cave Johnson and Twilight Sparkle here! Let's do this for Science!
Anyone ever want to drive a tank through the Macy's parade?
Twi chased the ninja around a turn, and into a dead end. The ninja backed into the wall as Twi cornered him.
"Now, let's see who's behind the mask," Twi said as she rubbed her hooves together. She levitated the black mask off the ninja's head, revealing...
No, I am not writing that! I don't care how much you people pay me, the ninja is not going to be him! What do you mean, 'I'm going to get fired?' What?! Alright, alright, I write the freakin' chapter... lousy good for nothing... * grumbles*
Ahem, revealing none other than...
Cave walked in on Twi damasking the ninja, and became utterly bemused at walking in on this scene.
"What in Celestia's name is going on!?" Cave exclaimed. "Why is Morgan Freeman here?"
"Sir, it's Gordon Freeman, and that's not him," Twi corrected him
"Oh yeah, the mute scientist who loves bashing things with crowbars and is somehow an expert on every gun, human and alien. I was thinking about hiring him." Twi shot cave a worried look.
"Sir, you're not suppose to point out video logic." The two scientists were distracted by their conversation which allowed the ninja to escape.
"Where'd Danial Craig go?!" Johnson demanded once he noticed the intruder slipped away, like a boss. 'Not even remotely close, sir,' Twi thought.
Completely expected and regular intermission.
*BEEP!
Confound these human microwaves!" Luna yelled as she slammed her hoof on the tiny buttons that all said 'press here for editable and explosive shower doors!' A small slip of paper popped out of the machine from somewhere. Luna picked up the paper, it looked to be instructions. "To activate this machine," Luna read aloud, "you must do Gangnam Style while wearing an outfit made from bacon and toasters. Then do the rain dance that makes it rain hamsters." Luna sighed, and did as the instructions said.
Somewhere else, at a DJ-PON3 party.
Back to the story!
"Twi, go rally the other scientists, go get a search party and block off the exits. We'll catch George Clooney eventually. I'll follow the trail of marshmallowless lucky charms Robert Downy Jr. left behind," Johnson said.Twilight facehoofed and ran off to get the late night scientists. 'He's got to run out of actors eventually,' Twi thought.
The ninja dashed into another room, finding a tank just sitting in the middle.
The sign near the tank read Party Cannon Mark II. 'That's oddly convenient,' the ninja thought. He jumped on top of the tank, opened the hatch, and slipped in. A few lights on the control panel lit up, revealing the spacious inside. 'This thing looks bigger on the inside.' Two buttons lit up, one saying 'stop' the other 'go blow stuff up in the most awesome way possible.' The rest of the buttons just said 'Scientific Crackers.' A bolt fell from somewhere in the tank and hit the blow stuff up button. The tank fired up, and blew a hole though the wall. The tank then started moving forward, through the hole. The ninja opened the hatch to look outside, then yelled, "Screw stealth! I have a tank!"
Cave Johnson and Twilight Sparkle here! Let's do this for Science!
"Hello all those guinea pigs listening. Today, we will see the effects of chickenizing a filly. We picked Scootaloo for this because she baked us cookies. Okay, we stole the cookies. But they were still good! Enough talk, more science! Hit it Twi!"
"Yes sir, Mr. Johnson!" Twilight looked around in the room for a large red button. They were both in a standard white lab with machinery and buttons covering the walls. Scootaloo was outside a window, stuck in a glass box with a giant laser thingy pointed at her. Twilight's eyes scanned the machinery, until she just shrugged and started running her hooves all over the buttons. Various lights flashed and an alarm sounded.
"The alarm must mean it's working!" Said Cave Johnson, "Twi, keep doing that." Twilight kicked the console she was at, and it wobbled. The laser pointed at Scootaloo started to power up. "Good job! Now, get the popcorn. And make sure it doesn't have any of that blue gel. The last time I ate that, I had pudding cravings for weeks." Johnson and Twilight put on welding masks as they watched through the glass. The laser glowed a bright green, and zapped Scootaloo. She turned all black, leave the skeleton, and transformed into different indescribable shapes. A large flash of green blinded them all. Once the light subsided, the two scientists pulled up their masks, leaving a unruly hollow circle of black ash around their faces. They pressed themselves up against the glass, waiting for the smoke to clear. A lone shape took form, and it was an orange chicken. Johnson and Twilight looked at each other, a large smile plastered on their face. They then highhoof'd and said in unison,
"For science!"
"Bawk, can you guys, bawk, let me out now? I think my bones have turned into hot sauce." Scootachicken said.
"Uh, I may have pressed the wrong buttons," Twilight said as she blushed.
"No matter, it's just more science! That gives me an idea, we should make chicken, that has sauce already inside!" Cave Johnson said, in an attempt to keep his number one assistant happy. "Now, let's throw some turrets in there and see what happens. Don't worry Scootaloo, you'll be fine!" Cave Johnson put a hoof over his mouth, and whisped to Twilight, "no she won't."
