One Lonely Man

by Hadjii

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Human
Length: 944

Massively changed, see long description please.

[size=1.5em]AN:[/size]
Given the fantastic [size=0.7em][citation needed][/size] critical reception, I have continued writing this story, but not here. Apparently, some ponies just can't take a joke.

It has been massively rewritten, and changed from being possibly a self-insert to a blatant self-insert that probably screams "This dude needs psychiatric assistance. Or geriatric assistance. Or geometric assistance."

So, of course, you'd expect there to be tons of over the top, hilarious and disturbing shipping. There is, indeed.

Except, of course, for the fact that the two main characters don't actually hit a home run until the 7th chapter.
I mean, come on! [spoiler]Discord[/spoiler] gets introduced as a character three chapters before that!

And, also, the story has a negative view of cloppers, so yeah no, don't bother reading it.

On the bizarre chance that you're either really high or really bored, here it is.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-02-25 18:10:02 UTC

Guten Morgen

Hadjii was asleep. All was quiet, until the soft white noise of the morning was broken.

"GUTEN MORGEN! ES IST NOIN UHR!"

Wait, what?

Hadjii started very rapidly waking up, or at least he tried to. His brain was still decidedly asleep. It recognized the harsh sounds as being German, though the meaning was lost. He really wished that the shouting would stop. Then things got interesting as he felt a weight jump onto the bed.

"Ugh, what do you waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaant?"

Hadjii wasn't quite sure how to react to what he was seeing. The simple fact that someone had entered his room to wake him up was already surprising, as he had moved out of his parents house years ago, and lived alone now. More to the point, however, the intruder was not human. She was a pony. One purple, or perhaps lavender, alicorn pony. With a cutie mark like that, there was no doubt that indeed it was the one and only Twilight Sparkle.

Or there would be no doubt if it weren't for her strange uniform. It was a tan military uniform, and it looked to be from around World War II. That in and of itself was not a problem, but much to Hadjii's great alarm, it had a swastika symbol on the armband.

Oh no. No no no no. No no no please no. Not Twilight. Of all the ponies to be a Nazi, it had to be Twilight.

"ICH BIN EIN BERLINER!"

The heck does that mean, and why does it sound familiar? "Listen, I don't speak German, so if you're going to interrogate me you might want to use English."

"SCHMETTERLING!!!"

Crap. Uhh... what do I do? What do I do? whadoidowhadoidowhadoido???

Hadjii scooted backwards with his hands raised in a defensive gesture. This scooting backwards made him aware that his phone was on his bed, and this gave him an idea.

Can I call 911? No... stupid idea. Not like they could do much in time... or win in a direct assault. I need to gank her, somehow, but she's got magic. ... Rarity interrupted Sweetie Belle's magic by smacking her horn. I could throw my phone. I need another weapon, though. Ah, yes. That good old railroad spike from that camping trip forever ago. That'll do. Well, here goes.

Hadjii subtly reached over and grabbed it while doing a rapid shaking gesture with his other hand to distract Twilight, then he set his plan in motion. He flicked the phone at her horn, nabbed the spike, and lunged towards her head.

The plan worked fairly well, except for the fact that it didn't. The phone hovered about an inch away from her horn, and he himself was now hovering slightly above the bed, with the spike about three inches from her skull.

Uhoh.

Twilight did not look happy. She did not look particularly angry, either. She had a very neutral expression, though it was by no means calm. She glared at the phone, then her telekinesis dropped it onto the bed. She next turned her attention to the spike. She did not drop it, she merely turned it so it was pointed downwards instead of at her. Then she turned her attention to Hadjii.

Oh my.

Her face was stunningly beautiful and perfectly motionless, and terrifying. Her lips were closed tight, her brow was furrowed, and her eyes were stern.

Those eyes. Those deep eyes. They hate me. They condemn me. They speak doom to me, but they're still mesmerizing. They're even moreso in person than in the cartoon.

"Did you really just try to do that?"

One last chance.

"Eh, it was worth a shot."

YOU HAD ONE CHANCE. THAT ONLY WORKS WHEN THEY HAVE A GUN, DANG IT!

Twilight no longer looked emotionless. Now she looked straight-up furious. She pushed Hadjii back down onto the bed, and walked on top of him. Under other, less threatening circumstances, Hadjii probably would have enjoyed that, but right now he was more concerned about imminent immolation or general defenestration. She then put the pointy end of the spike up against Hadjii's forehead.

Oh. So, lobotomization then. Come on, I haven't even had breakfast yet!

Hadjii waited for the pain. He flinched when he felt her shift.

"PSYCH!!!"

Quite unexpectedly, she tossed the spike to the side and hugged Hadjii.

Wat.

"That was a little bit close for comfort."

We're sorry. The number you have attempted to dial is currently unavailable. Please hang up and try again later.

After a few seconds of silence, Twilight asked "Uhh, Hadjii, are you okay?"

"You... you're not a Nazi?"

Twilight rolled her eyes, and in a flash the uniform disappeared.

"No, you dork. It was a prank. So what didja think?"

"... You got me good, though maybe you shouldn't use a prank like that on someone as stabby as me."

Twilight looked sheepish, and scratched the back of her head with a hoof. "Yeah... I should probably rethink that part."

Gosh dang it she's adorable like that. Oh. Umm.

I'm in bed.

I'm in bed with a Twilight on top of me.

I'm in bed with a non-evil, not-threatening-the-freedom-of-the-world, adorable, rather pretty Twilight on top of me.

Uhm.

"Brain.exe" is encountering significant technical issues, and will not be available until a certain lavender unicorn stops being so cute and so very close.

"Sorry about almost shanking you."

"It's alright."

Then Twilight looked a little bit nervous.

"I need a favor from you."

"Sure! Anything for you, what's up?" Anything...

"Anything?"

"Just about, yeah." Okay, now I'm concerned.

"Perfect!"

Then Twilight leaned in close, and their lips met.