As You Bite It: A Caninody of Errors

by Zaid ValRoa

Rating: everyone
Tags: Diamond Dogs, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Random, Slice of Life
Length: 4136

When you've lost everything and life has you in the dumps, it's good to have friends.

Well, what do you know. Apparently it wasn't a good idea to give Rarity all those gems.

Now Fido, Rover and Spot have to live their lives away from their pack, trying to make it to the end of the day.

How hard can it be?

A Short Series of Vignettes Portraying the Adventures of Three Diamond Dogs Across Equestria. Inspired by an idea of a random Anonymous Poster on /mlp/ back in 2013.
Wherever you are, Anon. I hope this makes you proud.

Published 2015-02-27 21:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-04-06 22:26:13 UTC

1

The mountain rose over the treetops, a towering behemoth piercing the heavens. It’s rocky and gray surface contrasted heavily against the clear blue sky. Near the mountain’s base was a cave, its opening large and menacing, like the gaping mouth of a predator, with sharp rock protrusions acting as fangs to complete the illusion.

And in front of it, stood three Diamond Dogs.

“D-do we have to go inside?” Spot asked, quivering on his feet.

“You have a better idea? Yes?” Rover asked.

“Well, I--” Fido said.

“That’s what I thought, so let’s go,” Rover said,

The two Diamond Dogs sighed before following their self-appointed leader inside of the cave.

The air in the cave felt really hot, and slightly humid. It got to the point where the Diamond Dogs actually wondered if they had walked into the throat of a sleeping animal. The absolute darkness in which they encountered themselves didn’t help to get rid of this notion. They had gotten used to the underground lights that illuminated their tunnels and caves, so it took some time for their eyes to adjust to their pitch black surroundings.

Still, they felt overjoyed when they saw the light coming from some point deeper into the cave, a proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. And their joy grew tenfold when they saw what waited for them at the end of the passage.

“Gemsss!” the Dogs cried out in unanimous joy.

Lying on the floor of the cave, were gigantic heaps of gems, of every shape and size imaginable. Yes, from rubies, to sapphires, to emeralds, and jades, the Diamond Dogs relished on their newfound loot.

“See? I told you things would be better!” Rover said before plunging into a small mountain of gems.

Spot and Fido nodded in approval as they stuffed their pockets with all the gems they could find. They had never seen so many gems and of such quality, it was almost as if they had been chosen amongst other gems.

The Diamond Dogs were so enraptured that they didn’t notice the group of ponies coming towards them from deeper into the cave.

“Hey! What do you think you’re doing?” a unicorn stallion yelled, pulling Rover out of one of the piles of gems with his magic.

“Poniesss…” Rover grunted, “go away, we’re enjoying our gems!”

“Your gems?”

“We found them first!”

“Get out of here, you mutts!”

The Diamond Dogs groaned in frustration, gnashing their teeth and pulling their ears as the memories of a certain whining pony came to their minds.

“Shut up!” Rover said, jumping in front of the ponies “These Diamond Dogs gems now. Ponies leave!”

“We’re not going to repeat ourselves, you don’t know who you’re dealing with here, so you better--” the rest of the unicorn’s diatribe was interrupted by the growls of the three Diamond Dogs.

“Then so be it,” the unicorn spat, gathering energy on his horn, as did the unicorns behind him.

Before the Diamond Dogs could react, they were teleported outside of the cave, and flung into the forest.

“Stupid Dogs…” the stallion muttered.

“What now, boss?” another one said.

“Keep bagging the gems, we don’t have much time,” their leader said.

The unicorns levitated large burlap sacks into the air and started throwing the gems inside. Soon enough, the large heaps of precious stones started to decrease in size.

And then, an eye opened beneath the mountains of gems.

“This is unbelievable!” Rover yelled as he stood up, “Ponies take gems from Diamond Dogs again!”

“What we do now?” Fido said. He was hunched over and his ears were drooped.

“Well, this isn’t the end of it, let’s go--” Rover started, but just as he said this, a large flame shot out of the cave, singeing the treetops and rising the temperature of the air by several dozen degrees.

“Gemsss… belong to dragon,” Spot said, blinking.

The Diamond Dogs stared into the darkness in incredulity.

"Uh, maybe we should ask if things belonged to someone else before taking them..." Fido said scratching his head.

"Mm-hmm." Rover said, nodding, "Because taking other people's stuff can get you in trouble."

"Painful trouble," Spot added.

A pained cry came from the cavern.

"Maybe we Diamond Dogs should return gems we pocketed from Dragon's lair?” Rover said, looking down, in what could almost be described as regret.

The three friends looked at each other for a couple of seconds before breaking out in laughter and walking into the forest, carrying the sacks of gems on their backs, and ignoring the cries of anguish that came from deep in the cave.

2

As the sun made its way down the sky, the creatures of the Everfree got ready for the night. The hydras laid to rest at the bottom of the bog, the manticores went out to search food for their cubs, and the odd parasprite fluttered by in search of something to nibble.

And three Diamond Dogs made their way down one of the paths of the forest, looking for a way out.

“Now what?” Spot said, trailing behind his two companions.

“We keep walking,” Rover said in a more raspy tone than usual, “we find food and we find where to sleep. Yes…”

“Do we know where we’re going?” Fido asked.

“Of course we do! Now shut up and keep--” Rover’s reply was cut short when he reached the end of the path, and stood on the edge of a large cliff.

“I don’t think there’s food here,” Fido said, leaning to the side to get a better look of the sharp drop ahead of them.

The rocky cliff marked the limits of this part of the Everfree, and at its bottom was what it seemed to be another dirt road, albeit a far wider and more well-kept than the one they were currently treading.

Rover grumbled in exasperation before turning around and facing the other two Diamond Dogs, “I’m out of ideas, and you?”

The Diamond Dogs stared at each other for a while, looking up or back at the forest every now and then, trying to think of what should they do now. Thankfully, a solution appeared to them in the form of a bright point in the distance.

“There!” Spot said, pointed towards the approaching object, “What is that?”

“Seems like… ponies!” Rover said , excited.

The Diamond Dogs squinted, and could make out the shape of several carts being pulled by pairs of ponies. The caravan was advancing slowly, but it wouldn’t be too long until it got close to them.

“Where there are ponies,” Rover said, “there is food.”

“We must stop them and take their food!” Spot said, jumping up and down.

“How?” Fido said, scratching his head.

This made the Diamond Dogs think. What could they do to stop the ponies? They stood in silence for a moment, unsuccessfully trying to come up with a solution to their problem, until Rover had an idea.

“I got it!” he said, “We block road. Ponies stop. We go and take food from ponies.”

Spot and Fido seemed uncomfortable, almost as if they wanted to say something, but before either of them could, Rover pushed them back into the forest.

“Now, we push the rock when I say now,” Rover said.

“You said now, now. Two times,” Fido said back.

“No, I am going to say now and then you will throw it,” Rover said, raising his voice.

“You mean now?” Spot said.

“What? No!” Rover said, his eyes twitching in exasperation.

“Now?” Fido said.

“No!” Rover yelled stepping away from the rock and pulling down his ears.

“Okay, then…” both Spot and Fido said in unison.

“I say ‘now’ after this and we push the rock. Got it?” Rover said.

“The ponies are passing now,” Spot said, looking down at the passing caravan.

“What!?” Rover yelled, “Now, push it now!”

“You mean now, or--” Fido started.

“Now, push!”

And so, they pushed.

“We are making good time, Canter,” one of the stallions said to his partner.

“Yes, without any unexpected delays, we should make it to Hoofington before midnight,” Canter said.

“Thanks to Celestia we’re on the final stretch of the trip, I don’t think our families back home could have hold much longer without these supplies,” the first stallion said

“I suppose they will have to make do, somehow,” a voice said, causing the caravan to come to an abrupt stop.

“What… Who is there?” Canter yelled into the darkness, his eyes darting back and forth in search of the mysterious voice.

“Do not move any further, and nopony will get hurt,” a hooded figure said as she stepped out of the shadows.

“Who are you?” Canter said, his voice barely above a whisper.

“Who we are is not as important as what we want,” the hooded pony said, walking slowly towards the caravan, closely followed by a group of equally hooded figures, “and what we want is in that caravan.”

“No…” Canter said as he gave a frightened step back, “you can’t take these supplies, our town needs them! We will die if we don’t get these on time.”

“Does it look like we care?” the leader of the group said as she pulled down her hood, “Your town may not make it without these supplies, but you won’t make it to your town unless you hoof them over.”

Canter and the rest of the caravan ponies looked at the mare with a mix of anger and fear.

“Well, what will it be?” the mare said, smiling.

“D-damn you…” Canter said, trembling on his hooves, “Damn you all to Tartarus.”

“Feeling feisty, don’t you? Seems we’re going to have to do something about that…” the mare said as she got ready to pounce over the caravan ponies, but before she or any of the hooded ponies could do anything, a small pebble fell on her head, eliciting a small yelp of pain from the mare, “What is the meaning of this!?”

All the ponies looked up, and their pupils turned into pinpricks when they saw the large rocks tumbling down towards them and the trail of dust that followed it.

“No! This can’t be happening!” the mare said, the ground rumbling beneath her hooves.

Both group of ponies scurried away, to avoid being crushed by the coming avalanche. The hooded ponies darted back and forth, dodging the falling rocks as they crashed around them. The caravan ponies, on the other hand simply ran back, pushing their carts out of the range of the rocks.

“Nooo!” the hooded mare said as her group unsuccessfully tried to run away as the last of the rocks fell on top of them.

The caravan ponies coughed as the dust settled, and a sensation of happiness and euphoria invaded them once they realised they were safe from the thieves, but once they could see clearly again, they gasped at the sight of three figures jumping on top of the rocks.

“Aha! Now the ponies can’t--,” Rover said, but cut himself off abruptly when he noticed the looks of admiration every pony was giving him.

“T-the thieves…”

“You saved us!”

“Oh, thank you so much!”

The Diamond Dogs stared, stupefied, at the ponies closing upon them.

“Thieves?” Fido asked.

In an instant, the caravan ponies started to cheer. Tears were flowing from their tired eyes as they all ran towards their accidental saviours.

The Diamond Dogs were overwhelmed, as they didn’t fully understand what was happening.

“Quick, pull the thieves out and restrain them! They’ll face justice once we return to Hoofington,” Canter said, ordering a couple of ponies to move. Once the thieves were being tied and gagged, he turned around to face the Diamond Dogs, “Dear sirs, how could we ever repay what you’ve done for us this day?”

“Re…” Fido started.

“...pay?” Spot finished.

Meanwhile, Rover just looked confused.

“It is thanks to your heroic actions that the ponies of Hoofington may live to see another day,” Canter said, his eyes brimming with tears.

The Diamond Dogs simply stared at him.

“I understand, words are not necessary,” Canter said with a smile. He then turned around and called his companion, “take out the chest from the caravan.”

“But Canter, we cannot part with any supplies--”

“Not supplies, I meant my crate,” Canter said, and the other pony gulped before nodding and going back to the cart, “I hope this is compensation enough for your act of bravery today.”

“Bravery?” Rover asked.

Finally, the other pony returned, bringing a wooden chest with him. The wooden object was slightly smaller than the pony’s head and, judging by the strained expression the carrier had, quite heavy as well.

“I was keeping this in case of an emergency, but with Hoofington being so close now, I no longer had need for them,” Canter said before opening the chest, and pushing it forward to the Diamond Dogs. The crate contained several large sparkling gems.

“Gemsss!” the trio said in unison.

“It’s the least we could do for our saviours,” Canter said as he trotted towards the rest of the caravan, “Hoofington will always remember you and the heroic actions you performed today.”

“What,” Rover said in a flat tone.

“Goodbye, our heroes,” Canter said, smiling as he trotted away with the rest of the caravan.

“Thank you!”

“May Celestia bless all of you!”

“I’ll get my daughter a dog when I return home!”

The Diamond Dogs watched, befuddled, as the caravan took off. They looked back at the chest full of gems and then at each other.

“What just happened?” Spot asked.

3

The Moon was high in the sky, casting its light glow over the ground below. The mantle of stars framed the moon, causing the sky to look like a sparkling tapestry. It stood as a work of love and devotion from Princess Luna to all the creatures of Equestria.

Meanwhile, three Diamond Dogs walked down the road, disregarding the spectacle above them.

“What do we do now?” Spot asked in a tired tone.

“We have no food,” Fido said, rubbing his stomach, “We ate all the fruits from the forest.”

“Stop complaining! There is plenty of food here!” Rover yelled, throwing his arms in the air.

Fido and Spot looked around them, they could barely find an odd small patch of grass growing amidst the barren soil that surrounded them. They both turned around and faced their self-appointed leader with a hard glare.

“We just have to know where to look,” Rover said defensively, “Now come, we will find food.”

Rover then turned around and kept walking. Letting out a tired sigh, Fido and Spot went after him. Together, they kept trudging along the empty lands, unsuccessfully trying to sniff out something edible, until finally they caught a scent, a scent that reminded them of something familiar.

“Are those…?” Fido asked as he sniffled the air.

Rover grimaced as he muttered a single word, “Ponies.”

The Diamond Dogs ran forward, until they reached a grand plateau. Exchanging glances, the walked up to the summit. Once they reached the top, the trio of dogs huddled behind a large rock, peeking from one side at the scene in front of them.

A large encampment could be seen at the far end of the mesa, and Several groups of ponies were walking around, pulling carts behind them. Though initially the Diamond Dogs couldn’t see what they were doing, they soon recognised the unmistakable glimmer of--

“Gemsss!” The three Diamond Dogs yelled in unison, and quickly scurried back behind the rock to avoid being seen by the group of ponies.

“They’re mining gemsss, so many of them!” Rover said, barely able to contain his excitement.

“We must have them!” Spot said, clenching his fists.

The Diamond Dogs once again stared at the group of ponies from behind the large rock, and stayed there, immobile, as they waited for them to go back to their tents. Once they couldn’t see more movement, they jumped from behind the rock and ran for the open field.

“Where do we start digging?” Spot asked with an anxious edge in his voice.

“The ponies seem to be digging over there,” Fido said, pointing at one of the several holes made by the diggers.

“Then we start there!” Rover said as he took the lead.

Soon, the three Diamond Dogs found themselves at the edge of one hole, and just a simple glance revealed the gems still buried underneath the soil.

“There are so many!” Spot said as his eyes watered.

Not losing a single moment, the Dogs started to dig, only to find several gems after only a few scoops of dirt, and they kept finding more and more. They were so enthralled by the sheer amount of gems they kept finding, that they didn’t notice the dampness in the soil they had just unearthed.

At least, not immediately.

“Report,” an auburn mare asked to the two unicorns who had just entered the tent, she removed her glasses and leaned back on her chair, letting go of the map she had been studying.

One of them simply shook his head, while the other one removed his scarf, “I’m sorry, Miss Meadows, we still haven’t been successful.”

Miss Meadows slumped in her chair, as she let out a long, sadness-filled sigh, “It’s already been more than a week, and still no results.”

“We’re sorry, Miss Meadows,” the stallion said in an apologetic tone, “It’s just that the large amount of gems make it hard to locate anything else.”

“You don’t have to apologise, Radiant, it’s not your fault,” the mare said.

“Lush, it’s not your fault either--” the first stallion said before being abruptly cut off.

“Yes it is! The ponies of our village entrusted me with this task and I promised them I would see it fulfilled, and I failed them,” Lush Meadows cried, “I’ve failed all of them…”

The two stallions stood, mouths agape, not knowing how to react.

“If we can’t find any source of water soon, we will have no choice but to leave the village behind,” Lush Meadows said in a whisper.

“Lush, but we can still buy water from the nearest towns with all the gems we are finding,” Radiant said, trying to cheer her up.

“But for how long, Radiant? Our families can’t keep going like this, we can count on other towns helping us out for the time being, but not forever,” Lush said.

“But we can’t simply--”

Their discussion was interrupted by three shrieks of horror in the distance, followed by a loud gushing sound.

“What in the name of Celestia was that?” One of the stallions said before running outside of the tent.

Radiant looked at Lush Meadows before heading outside as well, only to be tackled by the returning stallion with a huge grin plastered on his face.

“Meadows, Radiant! You won’t believe this, you have to see it, it’s a miracle!” the stallion cried in ecstasy before running away one more time.

Both Lush and Radiant looked at each other in incredulity for a moment before exiting the tent, and finding a most peculiar sight.

A water column, as wide as the widest of trees and nearly as tall, rose from a gaping hole in the surface of the plateau, and towered above the encampment.

“Thanked be Celestia…” Lush whispered as she started to tear up. The other ponies, for their part, had either fallen to their knees and were sobbing with happiness, or were prancing around the water column in sheer ecstasy.

It was only after the celebration had died down, and the water column started to decrease its pressure, that the ponies heard once again the cries of fear that came from the top of the water column.

“Quick! See who is responsible for this!” Lush Meadows ordered a couple of unicorns, who used their magic to grab the creatures and bring them down.

The entire group of ponies let out gasps of surprise when they saw the three large, wet figures as they landed on the ground.

“Water…” Fido muttered as he trembled in shock.

“So much water!” Spot cried, trembling as well.

“Who… Who are you?” Lush Meadows asked the trio.

Rover looked up at Lush Meadows, and stared at her in silence for a moment before jumping to his feet and shaking the water off of him, “We’re Diamond Dogs.”

“Diamond Dogs…” the words were echoed by the group of ponies all around them.

“Dear gentle-uh-dogs…” Lush said, pausing for a moment to collect her thoughts, “I cannot express how much we appreciate what you’ve done this night for us.”

“What we did?” Spot asked.

“The water must have been collecting underneath the ground for centuries, but the gems were acting as a barrier, preventing it from reaching the surface!” An old stallion said as he examined the rising water levels.

“What is pony talking about?” Rover said.

“When the Diamond Dogs managed to remove all those layers of gems, the water was no longer trapped and came out, releasing all that pressure!” The old stallion yelled as he jumped in place.

“You did it!” Radiant said, throwing himself at the feet of the Diamond Dogs, “You managed to find the water that our village so desperately needed!”

“What,” Rover deadpanned.

“In this day, you have saved our town from certain doom,” Lush said as she walked towards the Diamond Dogs, “We could never thank you enough for your help.”

Fido, Rover, and Spot, blinked at the same time, but neither of them said a word.

Lush then motioned at one of the ponies to bring her one of the carts, “You’ve given us something far more valuable than gems, today. You’ve given our village a chance,” and after saying this, the ponies gave the Diamond Dogs several bags full of the largest gems they had seen.

“Thank you, and may Celestia bless all your actions,” Lush Meadows said before bowing in front of the Diamond Dogs.

“Thank you!” Radiant said, still laying in front of the trio.

“Thank you, Diamond Dogs!” the rest of the ponies cried out in unison.

The Diamond Dogs looked at the group of ponies, who were still smiling. Then, they looked at each other, and at the bags of gems they were carrying.

“Thanks again,” Lush Meadows said as she waved.

The Diamond Dogs turned around and walked away, not entirely sure of what had just happened.

“Ponies… are crazy,” Rover said, and the other two nodded in agreement.

Prologue

“What!?” the three Diamond Dogs yelled in unison.

“You heard me, now go. Shoo,” a larger Diamond Dog said.

“But it was the pony’s fault!” Rover said, flailing his arms in the air.

“Yesss! Her whining was driving us insane!” Spot said, pulling down his ears.

The large Diamond Dog grumbled before turning around and opening the door to a large room, “She took out all the gems too?”

“Uh, no... We gave her those,” Fido said, looking down.

“We wanted her to go away! We gave her the gems so she would leave!” Rover said, stepping forward.

“I don’t care. We don’t have gems anymore, you gave them away, you leave,” the large Diamond Dog said, and with that, he pushed them out of the cave.

Rover, Fido, and Spot found themselves being thrown out of their lair, landing on the hard ground. They kicked and tossed, trying to untangle themselves from the bodies of the others.

“Bah, who needs them,” Rover said, waving his fist towards the cave entrance.

“We do?” Fido said as he shook away the dust from his vest, dirtying Spot in the process.

“No, no we don’t, we’re better now,” Rover said, turning around to face the other Diamond Dogs.

“How?” Fido asked.

“We don’t have to worry about the rest of the pack, just us,” Rover said back, nodding in affirmation.

“Oh, alright,” Fido said.

“What do we do now?” Spot asked once he had cleaned himself.

“...”

“Rover?” Spot asked again.

“I am thinking!” Rover yelled.

“I’m hungry,” Fido said, rubbing his stomach, and a rumble coming from his friends told him that they felt the same way, “Where can we get food?”

“Hmmm…” Rover mumbled as he scanned their surroundings, “There’s a forest there. Where there’s forest, there’s food.”

Spot and Fido looked with incredulity at the direction Rover was pointing.

“Are you sure that’s safe?” Spot asked.

“Do you have a better idea?” Rover barked as he started to walk towards the trees.

Fido sighed and went after his friend. Spot looked back to the cave before grunting and running along.

And so, the three Diamond Dogs started their journey.