Children are bundles of joy
Author's Note
So apparently I cannot find the frickin double space feature.
If someone could help, it would be much appreciated.
This fic is something that i've been tossing around in my head for awhile and i thought "Hey dude, lets see what people think of your writing ability. You are writing that book for fun might as well use that fanfic idea as a way to get criticism and tips and maybe entertain some folks"
To which i responded : "Dude, thats the stupidest fucking idea i have had since i started writing the damn book!"
"You're still gonna do it aren't you?" My brain asked in that smug fucking tone i take with myself.
"Way ahead of you." My brain replied.
Children are bundles of joy
Argus sat on his rock, a rock that he had taken to calling his waiting rock, as he waited for his little sister/daughter to get back from Ponyville. She was a small thing when he had found her, only a three year old foal looking for her mother. When she had laid eyes on him she had immediately ran up and asked where her mother was. After much searching Argus had found a fresh corpse, one that looked quite similar to the foal he had hidden in his underground base, in the entryway to a cave. A cave that he had come to call Manticore mating den and from the numerous forgotten items that he had been able to acquire; ones that were to his shock somehow readable even though they weren’t English, he’d surmised that her deceased mother had been used as a trophy to woo a mate. The sounds that had been coming from the cave confirmed that theory in his opinion. Although after the manticores were done he had made sure they screamed in another fashion.
Argus reflected on how much he had changed. When he had first been dropped into this forest he hadn’t a clue what he was doing. All he had was his labtop, his crank generator and a gun. He still remembered the first kill he made, it was some sort of chicken…lizard …thing. Anyways he and the thing had stared at each other’s eyes for a good minute before the thing charged at him in shock and anger. His internal debate over his first potential kill of what could very well be some other chicken-things parent was quickly answered with a loud ‘bang’ and the sounds of brain tissue splattering the ground.
After he had eaten it he had been surprised at how delicious it tasted! It had much to his delightful shock tasted like KFC. “heh, the taste sure made killing those chicken things easier!” Argus said to himself as he narrated his life from a third person point of view. Oh yes, It was an interesting quirk that Argus had developed and had yet to get rid of as he rather liked it. Although he only fell into it when he was distressed. Were one to take a psychoanalytical view of it one could surmise that he developed the quirk to cognitively distance himself from the first two years that he had spent alone. Sure he had experienced his share of hardship but never social isolation in another world with no humans and the only lifeforms that can communicate with you seem to think of you as some sort of AntiChrist. Although He had never been able to find out why.
Anyways back to his psychotic narrating; Sometimes he tried to make it sound like Lemony Snickett as his life was a series of unfortunate events and other times he tried to inject as much purple prose as he could simply to keep his vocabulary from deteriorating. “Yes,” He had decided to himself, “I may live like an animal but that doesn’t mean I will be reduced to one. Mah mamma raised me betta thane that” he said trying to remind himself of what a southern accent was and failing miserably. He hated being stressed like this but he could not follow his little sister into town.
She had once learned a shapeshifting spell but all that had done was lead them down a research road that culminated with them learning that he was effectively immune to all forms of magic that could affect him. Meaning that she had to go into town… alone… by herself. Were it not for the seemingly omnipresent benevolence of the Pony-things, he refused to call them ponies despite that being what they called themselves, then he would feel more than a tad remiss about sending her in unattended. However the ponies were as previously stated quite benevolent… well, so long as you didn’t look threatening. If you did then they treated you like a monster.
“Big brother I’m here,” I heard my foals voice, heh my foals, come from below me.
“Be down in a second!” I said loud enough for her to hear. We had a system in place, she calls out for me, I call out for her and she comes to where I am and then we skedaddle. I heard her little hooves come closer as if she was trying to sneak up on me.
“Found you!” She exclaimed jumping at me and sending me to the ground. We rolled around in the fallen leaves and moss covered ground for a few moments before we stopped with her resting on my stomach. She had pitch black fur as were her hooves, she had green eyes, green hair and neon green eyes.
“Yes, you did,” I chuckled as I lifted her off and we got to our feet. I then asked in my best mobster voice, “So? Didja get da goods”
“Myah, I did shee, and I got outs wit no trouble shee!” she responded in a voice that sounded like these mobsters from this show I watched as a kid. I think it was called Samurai Jack… or maybe it was Samurai Champloo. I don’t really remember and I guess it ain’t all that important.
“So, where is it?” I asked not seeing it on her.
“here!” She said and reached into… somewhere and pulled out a large grocery bag.
“What. What what what was that.” I sputtered, eyes wide.
“Oh it’s this storage spell thingy that I learned from this nice mare called Twilight Sparkle.” She chirped.
“Okay breather Argus, breathe. She’s just a foal, she still doesn’t know deception. Shit, most of the ponies I’ve seen couldn’t lie even if it was to save their child’s life!” I repeatedly told myself to keep myself from taking out my anxiety on her. It was a problem that I got from both my parents. We get anxious really easily and then we take it out on others.
“So… uh, what have you guys talked about?” Argus asked, his hands clenching into the ground. He could feel his teeth grinding into each other as he forced his face into an uneasy smile.
“Well the first couple of times I went into town I had to lie to this one pink pony who thought I was a newcomer, she wouldn’t leave me alone and she got really distressed when I refused her party. She was all like Lemme throw you a party! And I was like no thanks I only care about reading books and my big bro now please leave me alone. She didn’t take the hint so I had to lie a bunch about actually living there and that she was mistaken. Unfortunately she didn’t fall for that so I had to lie and say that I would accept one of her parties. I think its next week actually and she made me Pinkie Promise. Whatever that means. But anyways, three visits ago I had met Twilight and after a bit she gave me those books you’ve seen me reading,” She rattled on to Argus’ ever increasing horror. “After that we decided to make it a study session whenever we met and we talked about you.”
“You what!?” Argus exclaimed and grabbed her. “What have you done Polaris!”
“I-i-i-I,” Polaris blubbered. “I didn’t know I wasn’t supposed to.” That made Argus pause in shock preventing him from his yelling rant. “I never told her not too, fuck I.” he thought to himself not knowing how to feel but the cries of his younger sister answered that question.
“I’m sorry, I should have told you, I am sorry for yelling at you. It’s not your fault.” Argus hurriedly rushed out. “Shush, it’s alright now.”
“I’m sorry,” Polaris said in that way a child does to their parent when they think it’s their fault mommy or daddy is stressed. You know the one where they think it’s their fault even when it’s not.
“It’s not your fault, I promise. I never told you not too and you’re only seven kiddo. It’s my fault, I’m the adult here I should have told you to not tell them about it,” Argus said disappointed with himself. “Now then, what kind of questions did she ask?”
“She asked about where we lived, how to get there, what kind of things you owned, how you treated me, what I was fed, what kind of pony you are and things like that. Also if we could meet with her and her Mentor.” She spoke. I stared at her for a few minutes, the whole forest seemed to know just how badly I was fucked. “Why, is that bad?”
Were it anyone else, anyone at all, Argus would have slapped them in the face then grabbed them by the collar and yell in their stupid fucking face just how fucked they were. He would have then proceeded to throttle their heads back and forth until it threatened to snap off their neck. He also would have done all of this whilst using his extensive list of curse words, racial slurs, derogatory terms and other offending things to tell them just how much he was mad at them.
“Polaris,” Argus began taking in a deep breath through his nose.
“Y-yes?” Polaris said sensing that something was off.
“I love you,” he rasped before letting the air through his mouth and falling onto his back in resignation.
