When Perception Decides to Laugh
Maybe I should get my eyes checked...
The process of tea-drinking is a very tedious but rewarding process, requiring masterful control of either your magic or your hooves. As the tea poured from the small ivory kettle, Celestia had to giggle a bit and remembering that lesson. Maybe it is a form of culture, but something as trivial as drinking tea may not be as cultured as her old friend Starswirl thought it would be.
As she put the ivory teacup up to her lips, she affably tilted the cup in a 35 degree tilt. Not 34 degrees, not 36 degrees, but only 35 degrees. Might as well honor his memory like this, she thought.
"Sister! We require your assistance!" A booming voice was heard from the other room. Celestia raised her right brow in confusion. Luna's use of the Royal Canterlot voice was all but trained out of her, so Luna regressing back into the loud tone meant there may be trouble.
When Celestia entered her sister's room, she was treated to the sight of the princess of the night, the former enemy known as Nightmare Moon, stuck in a fetal position at the center of the room. Instantly, Luna stood up and rushed almost right up to Celestia's muzzle, causing her big sister to back up one step.
"You have to help me, sister! This is a grave disturbance!" Luna exasperated in a lower tone.
"What seems to be the matter, dear Luna?" Celestia asked.
"What seems to be the matter?! What seems to be the matter, she says! You must be able to see the matter with thine own eyes!" Luna walked back to the center of the room, and sat down with her chest puffed forward, and a worried glance towards Celestia. The Princess of the Sun examined her sister, finding nothing out of the ordinary.
"I'm.. I'm not sure what is the matter you are worried about. Is it that you haven't gained any weight since your reformation? I assure you, sister, wide girth is not a wanted physical trait anymore, even if some of the nobles would testify against that with their own presence."
"It is nothing to do with my size! And I'm not of the right mind of whether thou meant the comment as a compliment or an insult."
"In these times, low weight is a compliment, unleeeess it is an extremely and unhealthy low weight, in which case one would want to advise a trip to a doctor rather than insult someone on their low weight."
"humph, must I spell it out for you then?!"
"Spell what out, my dear sister?"
"My coat! My flanks! They have changed colors! I seem as if I am a walking crown!" Luna raised her hooves in the air in frustration. Celestia could only raise her right brow, while tilting her head.
"I... do believe you are your colors, sister. What colors do you see yourself?" Celestia asked.
"Some manipulation of clean ivory and royal gold! Do thou say you cannot see my new and unwanted coat!?"
"Calm down Luna, you are slipping into the old language. No, I do not see you as 'a walking crown', I see you as your colors of the night."
"THOU...ehem, you surely must jest, my dear sister!"
"No, I do not 'jest', dear sister. And now the modern equivalent is 'kid', or in the process of 'kidding'."
"I DO NOT CARE FOR THY LESSONS IN PRESENT SPEECH, CELESTIA! I CARE OF MY NEW COAT!" Luna screamed in the Royal Canterlot voice, causing her sister to smother her ears to heal the ringing in them.
"What seems to be the matter, Your Majesty? You haven't yelled like that since the first time one of the male guards came into your room to bring you tea. We're still trying to heal his ears by the way, my princess, but his mother is content with the agreement of funds to be paid in his absence and oh dear..." A light brown unicorn with a grey wig walked into the room, stopping at the sight of Luna. "Your majesty, I realize that you want to endear to your citizens, but even a dyed coat like that won't do much. I doubt that they even wouldn't laugh at you, much more taunt you!"
It took Luna only three seconds before she bursted into tears and ran into her washing room nearby, slamming the door.
"Sir Watch, what have we said about tact with Luna!? Yes, you can add a little bit of honest opinion when addressing me, but you must be careful around my sister! She is in a fragile state, and her visits by the royal psychologist is only just beginning to rebuild her psyche."
"I...I am terribly sorry princess. But you must agree that those colors are laughable, much less unhealthy in a perceptive sense," Sir Watch replied.
"No, I do not, because I only currently see her natural colors of the night, blue and black. Something is amiss here, Sir, and I have to ask that you send a report to Fluttershy to request Discord's presence. He is the only explaination I have for this trouble." Just then, they heard a cry of joy eminating from the washing room. Luna stepped out.
"Have no fear, Celestia and slave! My natural colors have returned!" Luna walked to the center of the room, and puffed her chest out with a satisfied smile.
"Wonderful Princess! And they are shining too! Though I must remind you that I am not a slave, and that you must refrain from addressing me with that title," Sir Watch smiled and looked up to his princess of the sun, who held a straight complexion but with widened eyes.
"Wow. You were right, Sir Watch. She does look ugly," Celestia finally remarked in a straight tone.
"What.. well... comments about your size should be considered insults then!" Luna replied, with a horrified expression from the words of her sister.
"Wait, what do you meant by that?!" Celestia momentarily forgot the strange sight of gold and white in front of her and marched up to her sister, and Sir Watch silently wondered if the room suddenly became a little bit hotter.
"I say what I say, dear sister. You are gobbling up those cakes of yours like a noble's son's wealth."
"And just what does thou insinuate about me?" Celestia lowered her voice to a lower, and darker tone. Both sisters' eyes were now just a few inches from each other, both seething glares, while both of their horns were glowing in ready positions. Sir Watch was now certain the room became inexplicably hotter.
"If you cannot understand the implication, we suppose that we must indeed spell it out for thee, and we will spell it in a word that seems to be the insult in this day and age..."
"Do it. I dare you." The white diarch had her haunches raised, as did her sister's.
"Celestia, my sister of the sun. You are...
eff...
ey..."
ENOUGH!" Sir Watch yelled. He quickly tried to defuse the escalating situation, before Nightmare Moon the sequel happened in the room he currently stood in. He pushed the two princesses away from each other, and began to lecture goddesses.
"You two are sisters! Family! Celestia, you tell me about tact, yet you are quick to insult and then fight your sister even after a short time of Luna coming back from what was probably the most regretted mistake in her life!? And Luna, you can't just think for one second how Celestia was just shocked, and instead of innocently berating her you insult her about a very delicate issue?! Both of you should be ashamed of yourselves!" Both princesses bowed their heads in shame. This was both a sad and confusing situation, and the fact that they quickly turned to fighting reminded them that they still needed to fix and repair the bond they had as sisters before.
"Ehem, ignoring the fact that I just berated two of the most powerful creatures in existence, Celestia, you see Princess Luna as her weird colors, correct?" Sir Watch gestured with his hoof toward Luna.
"No, now I see her as her regular colors," Celestia replied.
"Well, now we, er, I see mine own coat has been switched to the colors of gold and white again," Luna gave an unamused frown at her reflection in the mirror next to the door to her washing room.
"Hmm... Perhaps we need some more opinions on the matter..." Sir Watch mused.
"Ooo, I know! Quickblade! Iron Hoof! Can you two come into the room?" Luna called out to the door to her room. A moment later, the two guards stationed at the front of her room entered. One of them widened his eyes.
"Princess! Have you dyed your coat? It looks...uh, lovely!" one of the guards remarked.
"Uh, dude. She hasn't dyed anything. At least, nothing noticeable to our eyes, if you wish for me to be honest, your highness," the other guard sheepishly smiled. His friend gave a glare to him.
"You aren't seeing the gold and white princess in the center of the room, dude?"
"I see a white princess. I don't see a gold princess. I also don't see a gold and white princess."
"So you see Princess Luna in her original form while your friend sees her in a weird gold and white coat, correct?" Sir Watch asked.
"Yeah, why do you ask?"
"Hmm... this is a most interesting problem. Celestia, perhaps Discord may be to blame for this. I'll send a message to his keeper, Fluttershy. Let's meet up with him in the royal gardens, so as not to attract suspicion from some of the nobles."
"Excellent idea, slave!-"
"Advisor."
"-Advisor! If Discord is not the problem, mayhaps the solution. Or some form of solution. Come, advisor and sister! We must await the Draconequis's arrival!" Luna stood up from her spot and walked out the door, with .
"Guards, stay here for a moment," Celestia asked the two guards following Luna. They looked at each other with worry before standing at attention for Celestia.
"How was the name change?" Celestia asked.
"Name... change, your highness?"
"Yes, your name changes. A few days ago, I knew you two as Sea Breeze and Cranks. Now Luna calls you 'Iron Hoof' and 'Quickblade'. And so I ask, how was the name change?"
"uh, it, uh, went well?" one of the guards said.
"Sister! What are you waiting for?" Luna called out.
"I'll be right there, Luna! We will discuss your... guard duties for Princess Luna after this matter is settled." With a glare, she stood up and trotted out of the room, leaving the two guards alone to their thoughts.
"So... You want to go see how our 401K's are doing?" one of them asked.
"I think that's a good idea," the other guard replied. The two guards quickly walked out of the room, with one slowly closing the door.
Author's Note
I'll try to get the next chapter done by this weekend.
Also, I accept XKCD as my savior from this madness.
When Perception Decides to Laugh
Oh, so there was an explanation...
The trio of Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, and Sir Watch waited when a carriage the size of the royal ballroom was pulled into the front of the royal gardens by a lone sparrow. Said sparrow subsequently grew larger, and turned into the dragonequus whom Celestia was silently dreading to begin discussing with.
“Discord…” Celestia gave a sharp glare to the God of Chaos, and nodded to the large and ornate carriage haplessly resting on one of the bushes that led into the gardens.
“Just give me one sec, Princess. Oh, Fluttershy!” Discord called out. The yellow coated, pink-maned pegasus walked out of the carriage, and with a pop the carriage disappeared.
“Oh, um, I hope I’m not going to interrupt anything, but after yesterday’s innocent I’m having Discord grounded on my eyesight,” Fluttershy said.
Finally, in the Royal Canterlot voice, Luna spoke up. “DISCORD! EXPLAIN YOURSELF!”
“Okay, okay, it wasn't anything big this time! I just changed some of the flower paths and disguised them with poison joke! Nothing serious, I even had a remedy bath ready for them, free of charge too!”
“...what?” Luna spoke, a look of confusion on her face.
“She doesn't mean that, Discord. She wants you to explain this,” Celestia stepped to the side and raised a hoof towards Luna. The princesses were then treated to a rare view of a being of chaos with a look of confusion.
"Luna, I know it's been a long while since you were banished. I've been gone longer than you! Buuut...do you think changing colors would help you? Not to be mean, I assure you-"
"Do not say anything, being of chaos, if you value your health," Luna spoke in a dark tone. Discord could only gulp in fear. After yesterday's incident, he REALLY did not want to anger any more ponies than he wanted to today.
"Discord, what do you mean by changing colors? Princess Luna looks the same to me. Unless, of course, you want to change colors Princess, and that's okay with me, if...if you want..." Fluttershy was still a little scared of Princess Luna from that one Nightmare Night, even though she had grown to become friends with Luna.
"And that's precisely the problem miss. You see, it seems some of us here see her majesty as her usual colors, while others, including herself, sees her as a white and gold pattern," the advisor spoke.
"White and gold? You must be blind, slave-"
"Advisor!"
"-advisor, because she is very clearly gold and blue," Discord said.
"Gold and blue? I'm certain she is white and gold," Celestia remarked.
"I see black and blue," said Fluttershy.
"Gah! Now I am black and white!" Luna exasperated.
"Enough!" Sir Watch yelled. All four ponies turned to him. "If we cannot agree of what her majesty's colors are, can we agree that something is wrong, and that Discord may be the source of the problem?"
“Ugh, of course. Always blame the being of chaos. Why can’t we blame natural disasters, or poor planning of magical experiments, or even this squirrel!” Discord brought out a squirrel from a pocket in his right leg. The little creature looked up at Celestia with an innocent smile.
“Why would a squirrel be the cause of Luna’s predicament?” Celestia asked. Just then, the squirrel chomped down on Discord’s finger.
“Yowch!” Discord flung the squirrel off him, sending the creature away. Luckily, Fluttershy caught the squirrel, and while cradling the creature she sent Discord a glare. “Oh, come on! You can’t tell me that creature isn't plotting for the destruction of our dear Equestria, can you?”
“The squirrel is not plotting for the destruction of Equestria.”
“...Well, okay, technically you can tell me, but you can’t prove that the squirrel only wants to see the world burn!”
“Oh, it will be okay, Oliver. I’m sure your wife and 5 kids are missing you very much. I promise you will be brought back home once we are done here,” Fluttershy cooed. Discord and Celestia blinked.
“We have no more time to spend on games, Discord. Are you the cause of Luna’s predicament?” Celestia asked.
“gasp! Such lack of faith, Celestia! I’ll have you know I have done nothing other than witness this predicament myself!”
“It’s true, Princess,” Fluttershy interjected. “I’ve been watching him since yesterday, he hasn’t done anything except help the ponies who were having problems with his poison joke prank.”
“Thank you, Fluttershy! You really are a good friend!” Discord walked over and gave a blushing Fluttershy a big hug.
“Well, if it wasn’t Discord, than what could be the problem?” Sir Watch murmured.
“Is there anything you can do? Any magic?” Fluttershy asked.
“I have tried. Nothing. It seems to be of a magical illusion, yet it is protected by a lock spell that only the original caster can unlock. I also had a funny feeling when I used my magic,” a white and gold Luna replied.
“Wait. Funny as in ‘funny ha-ha’, or funny as in ‘funny uh-oh’?” Discord mysteriously inquired.
“Strangely, ‘funny ha-ha’. Why must you ask?” black and blue Luna remarked. Discord quickly went over to black and gold Luna and picked her up. Holding her up, he delved his snout into the now gold and blue Luna’s chest, causing her to blush brightly.
“Discord! What in Tartarus are you doing?!” Celestia blushed as well, along with Fluttershy. Sir Watch only had a look of shock.
“I am sniffing her,” he casually answered.
“Tiaaaaa! I need an adult!”
“Compared to you, I am an adult. Now then!” Discord dropped Luna unceremoniously on the ground, causing her to yip in response. “Princess, I must warn you, keep your eyes closed, and do not for one second think about what is happening to your body!”
With that, Discord forcefully shut Luna’s eyes, and barfed on her.
Both Celestia and Fluttershy recoiled in horror, and Sir Watch gagged, as they watch the embarrassing spectacle of the princess of the night being showered by a being of chaos. Discord wiped and toweled Luna using himself as a towel. Luna’s colors actively changed from black to blue to white and gold. They changed at such a rapid pace it was nauseating for Sir Watch, who had to sit down. Finally, it settled on the original black and blue, and Luna’s eyes were opened.
Shock. That was all they showed. Her pupils dilated to tiny pinpricks. The air suddenly felt colder, and Fluttershy could have sworn her hair was getting static currents in it.
“What did you do to me…” Luna asked.
“I cleaned you of the poison joke’s influence. By the way, did I ever mention how poison joke was created? I was a young and inexperienced freshman back in my college days…”
“Did you...did you just wash my sister with the contents of your stomach?!” Celestia screamed.
“Yes. I had to. My stomach is the only way to break the lock, other than the regular remedy, and I don’t think we had time for that now. I call it the ‘Chunky Shower’!”
“That is just...ugh!” It took only a second before Sir Watch did his own Chunky Shower on the ground.
"Discord! Couldn't you have least told us it was poison joke before you 'washed' her?!" Fluttershy scolded. Discord's smile grew into a frown.
"Eheh, maybe I shouldn't have been so quick to fix-YOWCH!" Discord turned to see his tail was blasted by magic. He looked up to see Nightmare Moon glaring at him.
"Have you ever known the feeling of all the bones in your body, broken?" she asked.
"Well, not my bones, as my power helps my skeleton to survive hits and-YIPE!" Discord dodged another blast from Nightmare Moon. His eyes widened in horror when she grabbed one of the statues in the gardens with her hooves and swung down at him. He screamed a louder pitch than normal as he ran away while she kept swinging at him.
“Um, Princess? Shouldn’t we get the elements, seeing as *gulp* Nightmare Moon is back?” Fluttershy tentatively asked.
“Don’t worry, my dear Fluttershy. That isn’t Nightmare Moon. That is just Luna when she’s just a little angry,” Celestia laughed with Sir Watch. Fluttershy only watched with worry as her friend was chased by a very angry princess of the night.
“So...If the cause was poison joke, how did she come in contact with the plant, if I may ask?” Sir Watch said. He looked to Celestia, who only shook her head.
“I do not know, my advisor. I suppose we need to have the guard scan for any trace of the flower in the castle.”
“I shall get to it right away then. Goodness knows we need another ‘changing guard’ incident after the scene in the barracks,” Sir Watch mumbled. He quickly trotted off to the castle, with a Fluttershy close behind if only to get away from watching Discord get beaten mercilessly with a thorny shrub.
“Tell me, slave-”
“Guard.”
“-Guard, why is it that I always have a mirror mysteriously disappearing?” Blueblood asked. He was inside his own washing room while his personal bodyguard stood outside in his room.
“I don’t know, sir. I suspect the maids are up to their tricks again,” his guard spoke in a monotone voice.
“Well make sure you ask ‘politely’ who is the perpetrator and her motives. Maybe she just wanted to have something of my own. I wouldn’t put it past them, seeing as how I am their hopes and dreams,” Blueblood sighed. The guard rolled his eyes. “In any matter, I will just have to make do with your breastplate as a mirror to see if this new shampoo is adequate for my liking.”
Blueblood walked out of the washing room and stood up close to his guard. He leaned in on his reflection on the guard’s breastplate. He gasped.
“What have I told you about cleaning your armor, slave-
“Guard.”
“-guard! I can’t just have my personal guard come with me if he doesn’t wash his armor! Hmph!” Blueblood trotted out into the hall. The guard looked at his breastplate, wondering where he had missed cleaning, before following Blueblood outside. They trotted down the hallway past two maids, one with a very shocked expression. Turning a corner, Blueblood entered one of the regular restrooms, hoping no one wouldn’t see him go in. He pulled his guard inside too, so as to not raise any suspicions.
‘Now then, let’s see how I wa HA HA!” Blueblood cried. Instead of his usual colors of a white coat and blonde mane, now he had a blue coat and a black mane.
“NOOOOOOOOOO!” Blueblood sat down to his knees before he lifted up his forelegs in the air in a dramatic gesture. His guard could only give him a raised eyebrow, before he blinked and recoiled at the sight.
Author's Note
Blah. Didn't get the chapter out in time as I hoped. Oh well, I hope you enjoyed this story!
