Living By The Wrong

I am in love with Nyarth.

There, I finally said it. And I mean it with the entirety of my heart.

It doesn't matter how many times he tries to catch me, tries to manipulate me, tries to attack me, or even tries to threaten me. And it doesn't matter how many times I've threatened him back, or blasted him off, or treated him harshly, or even drove him to his breaking point. None of that matters since they never waver my everlasting and growing feelings for him.

It all seemed to start the moment I laid my eyes on him. A bipedal and talking Pokemon part of Roketto-Dan. I knew he was bad, that was obvious but there was just something about him that caught me off guard. I still remember the way my heart beated. It literally felt like it was going to burst. I had no idea what that feeling was until much later.

I had a delayed reaction in attacking them. I didn't want to hurt him. But he was bad, he needed to be stopped. I obeyed Satoshi. Sometimes, I wish I never did. But then Roketto-Dan would not be continually following us, like now. I would have probably never seen him again and that would've crushed me.

But maybe that would be better. With him still being within my reach, I now feel more and more strain on my heart. I want nothing more than to be his. I would've even care if I was treated badly, I just want to be by his side.

I remember when I truly began to realize my feelings for him. We had been bound together and forced to stay together. I could see a new, vulnerable side of him which only made the little feeling in my chest grow. Without Musashi and Kojiro, he was scared and sensitive. But I now know that that is not who he truly is. He was panicking and couldn't think straight. I don't blame him.

I had taken that time together to be kind to him, helping him and keeping him safe. I didn't even know what came over me, but I went far enough to fall asleep on him. I guess I trusted him that much. I should've know that wouldn't have lasted long and the moment Musashi and Kojiro appeared in his vision, he was gone from my grasp. He was in his own world once more.

I only truly realized my feelings the next night when I curled up next to Satoshi. I didn't feel the safe and happy feeling I had when I fell asleep besides Nyarth. I only put two and two together when I began to think about what I heard the others talking about a few days earlier.

I still remember my own shock when I figured it all out. I remember telling myself it was wrong and that I couldn't love him. He was the bad guy, someone who lived by doing the wrong. But that fact only seemed to intensify my feelings for the scratch cat.

Was it bad that I kept my feelings hidden for so long, many years to be exact? I never told anyone else and kept them to myself as they began to grow more and more. Around the time of the Johto League however, I had found myself unable to hold back my feelings anymore. I just needed to tell someone my feelings.

So who else but the subject of my feelings, right?

I remember finding Roketto-Dan's little camp by our own where they had set up their sleeping spot in a tent, the flab opened enough to not bring in too much cold air but enough to provide an easy escape route if necessary.

I remember peeking my head inside and watching my three arch-enemies. I had searched for my secret love and found him in the most unexpected place. I expected him to be apart from them, what with his tough attitude and all but instead, I found him laying in the center of Musashi and Kojiro, their arms wrapped gently around him. He slept peacefully and safely within the caring grasps of his teammates, something I had neglected to notice until that very moment.

Bad did not mean evil. I never saw the difference until that very moment. Seeing the feline who would normally be 'abused' by his teammates in the daylight hours, seeing him seemingly be protected by those same people while he slept... I swear it was in that moment that I began to respect them.

But I still needed to tell him, even if I did think he was cute when he slept. I still think that, but like usual, I keep it to myself.

I had used my electricity carefully so as to not hurt him and to only use enough to wake Nyarth. It was more like sparking than anything and that alone was able to get the feline to stir. He had shifted slightly and then carefully opened his eyes and drowsily looked around. Then his eyes had locked with mine.

I remember so clearly his eyes. Unlike any other nyarth, his eyes were a deep shade of blue and every time I was able to meet them, I was seemingly mesmerized. So many emotions could travel through his gaze in so little time. Now was one of those times. I saw confusion, slight fear, anger, and a strange emotionless and distant hint in them.

He stared at me and I stared back, time seemingly standing still as I watched him. Slowly, he sat up, balancing himself with his paws.

"Pikachuu?"

His voice still rings in my head whenever I think of him. With a slight accent and the rather screechy tone, he truly is someone to be mesmerized simply by his voice alone. I love that about him.

"What are ya doin' here?"

His question had snapped me back to life as he stared back into the scratch cat's. He was so calm in his voice and yet, in his eyes, was a waterfall of emotions. There was another thing I loved about him. He's just so complicated.

"I need to talk to you"

I remember saying that and I remember his confused expression and then his reluctant yet careful movements as he crawled out from underneath his teammates. He had then stepped over them and signaled for me to leave. Of course I listened and within just a few seconds he was out there with me.

I was finally alone with Nyarth and all I had to do was let my feelings out. I didn't even wait for him to question me, I just blurted it out. Maybe I should've waited.

"I love you Nyarth!"

My own voice still rings in my head today. I just downright said it and now I got the straight reaction.

Nyarth's eyes had immediately widened and he had instantly took a step back. I truly believe I had frightened him, what with my sudden outburst, and I hated myself for doing that but there was no going back now.

He simply stared at me, and I stared back. I wanted him to know that I was being truthful. I wanted him to know that I wasn't trying to trick him. He seemed to get the message for he had begun to shake his head and whisper 'no' multiple times under his breath. He was panicking, but at the time, I didn't know why. Instead, I had simply let him begin to ramble.

"No, no. Ya can't be. Ya're not supposed ta return ma feelin's. Ya're supposed ta hate me. We're enemies, we're not even friends. Dis... Dis can't be happenin'"

I had felt my heart swell at his words, although a jumbled mess of words. I loved him and he loved me back. But then, was the main issue with this entire situation. We were enemies, not friends. He was right but I had wanted to change that. I still do.

I basically was just trying to calm him down and not create too much noise at this point. My attempts had done their job but I still knew he had to say something. What he said is still something I have problems dealing with.

"Pikachuu... No matta what happens, we cannot be tagetta. I belong wid Musashi an' Kojiro an' ya belong wid da twerps. If I can learn to not love ya, den ya can taa"

I cannot even describe the amount of crushing sadness on my heart at that very moment. He had turned away from me and was looking longingly back to the tent. I hadn't moved, he had known that and thus, he had spoken.

"Go Pikachuu an'... goodbye"

He hadn't even waited for me to react before he had shut his eyes and slipped back into the tent. I was frozen to my spot at first but I had regained the energy I needed a few minutes later to hop over to the tent and peek in.

Although my heartbreak at his painful rejection, I couldn't help but to feel a wave of happiness as I saw him nestled within the gentle yet tight grasps of his teamma- no, friends. He was safe and nestled in between them.

I had left at that point and I had learned something that night. Even though when I tried, I would never be able to forget my love for Nyarth. But I do know one thing about love. Many say it's a wonderful thing and I believe them. Just not in my case.

I truly believe that in that moment, I had discovered the true nature of love.