Quickfix Gets Sick...

by Festus

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Other, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Nurse Redheart
Length: 6762

Quickfix sneezed. Now, Nurse Redheart has to try to stop the Apocalypse from happening

Part of The Shimmerverse

Quickfix sneezed.

And that started the epic tale of how the apocalypse began, why you should never let Nurse Redheart fight Time Monsters, and how to take care of a sick Northerner.

Published 2015-03-01 21:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-03-01 21:50:02 UTC

... And That's How The Apocalypse Started!

Quickfix sneezed.

Redheart looked up from her book, wondering if she had heard right. As a Northerner, Quickfix’s immune system was like military grade armour. She was raised in the cold North, after all. Getting a cold wouldn’t just be ironic, it would be downright insulting!

No, she must be imagining things. Quickfix must have come across some dust while cleaning up her lab. Redheart should really stop overreacting to these things.

“A-choo!” Quickfix sneezed again, reaching for a tissue.

Okay, now Redheart was sure she wasn’t overreacting.

“Quickfix, are you okay?” Redheart asked, putting her book down onto a table. She had visited today because she was starting to get worried for the inventor. Nopony has seen her come out of the lab in days, and as her friend Redheart wanted to make sure that she was still alive. Thankfully, she was “That sounded like a terrible sneeze.”

“A sneeze? Pah!” snorted Quickfix as she went back to clearing out her worktable “Ah’m a Northerner! It’s prob’ly nothin’ – AHCHOO!”

“That doesn’t sound like nothing,” Redheart trotted over to the mare and placed a hoof on her forehead “Your temperature seems a bit high, too. I know that this might sound crazy, but I think-”

“It’s nothin’!” Quickfix slapped the nurse’s hoof away and went back to cleaning her table “Ah just… uh, got a mosquito stuck in my nose! Ye know how those crazy lil’ bugs jus’ love noses.”

Redheart gave her a quizzical look, as if asking her ‘Really? You can do better than that!’ She would have pressed further, but she has seen one too many sick ponies going off the deep end and attempting to murder their doctors while in denial of being sick. How should she go around to asking her for confirmation?

It didn’t even take her three seconds to think up of a plan.

“So, did you do anything interesting today?” she asked with a glimmer of hope in her eyes “Oh, I don’t know, something you don’t normally do every day?”

“Well, ah did go to the Everfree this mornin’…” Quickfix wiped away some of her snot with her right hoof, earning a disgusted look from Redheart

“Wait, but nopony’s seen you leave for days. How did you-?”

“Underground passageways” she answered quickly and placed her right hoof on Redheart’s mouth.

Realisation quickly came to Redheart as she remembered what Quickfix had just done with that hoof. With the speed of a Pegasus on caffeine, she dashed off into the bathroom and puked out her breakfast, lunch, and last night’s dinner. She then started scrubbing her tongue with soap in a desperate attempt to cleanse her mouth from the filth and taint.

“As ah was saying!” Quickfix called out from outside the bathroom door “Ah went to the Everfree Forest this mornin’…”

Earlier that day

The Everfree Forest was a terrifying place filled with monsters and beasts of every shape and size. Even the terrain was chaotic, filled with haphazard locations like swamps and steep cliffs. Any pony who even dares to step in the forest either had a death wish, or was insane.

Quickfix, on the other hand, was the third kind of pony: A Northerner.

She stared at the giant beast towering before her with determined eyes as she readied a battle stance. It was a giant shark with dark blue skin. Ice covered most of its body, forming impenetrable armour that not even blades could cut through. It even had four limbs sticking out of its body with webbed legs at the end of each one of them. Several of its teeth were broken, and its left eye was bleeding as a scar ran through its face.

The giant land shark cowered in fear as Quickfix took another step forward. It was known as the Terror Below, the Frozen Hunter, the Cold Stare of Death; yet a single Unicorn had managed to subdue it with nothing but her hooves, a rock, and some string.

“Boo.”

GRAAAAWWWRGHH!!

It let out a feral roar as it dived into the marsh behind it, swimming away as fast as its webbed feet could take it. The creature would never be able to look at another Unicorn for the rest of its life, and will one day die of a heart attack when it sees a lost little Unicorn foal that conveniently had Quickfix’s colour scheme. That colt will then get a Cutie Mark of a dead land shark, and he will forever be known as Shark Slayer.

But that is a story for a different day.

“Easy pickin’” Quickfix laughed as she used her magic to levitate up some of the shark’s teeth and place them in her saddle.

She was just about to head home when she spied a small dark blue creature cowering behind a fallen tree. Her curiosity got the better of her as she walked up to it. Just in case, Quickfix also levitated up a rock from the ground. It was the same rock that she used to blind the land shark in one eye, by the way, but that was just a coincidence.

When she finally got to the fallen tree, Quickfix noticed that it was a baby land shark. Its dark blue hide was a stark contrast to the mostly green background, and it only had two webbed feet on the front of its body. If Quickfix stopped to think about it, she would have realised that this was the child of the land shark she had just traumatised for life. But then again, it was just so cute!

“Daww, look at ye!” Quickfix picked the small up beast from the ground, snuggling its spiky back “Aren’t ye just the cutest lil’ thing ah’ve ever seen! Ah’m gonna take ye home, and pet ye, and feed ye, and raise ye ta bring death and destruction ta all mah enemies!”

“Mraawrgh!” the shark squirmed in Quickfix’s hooves

“Are ye scared, lil’ fella?” she placed the land shark on its back and started tickling its belly “Aww, the lil’ baby’s scared! C’mere ta Mummy, ah’ll take care of ye!”

Now, most ponies didn’t know much about land sharks. Unfortunately, Quickfix was part of that demographic. If she did know a thing or two about land sharks, then she would have stopped tickling it right there and then. That was because land sharks, especially their pups, were extremely ticklish in their bellies, which was softer than their backs. They stored cold air in a small sac right next to their stomachs which they can use to shoot ice beams. So if one were to tickle them and even so much as touch the Ice Sacs…

BGHHHHHHHHHFT

“AGH! MAH EYES!”

Back to reality

“And that’s when ah first met Snap!” Quickfix grinned as she leaned against the bathroom wall, still wiping away her snot with her hooves. A single tear slid down her face in memory of that fateful encounter

Several minutes later, the sound of running water finally stopped. Suddenly, there was a painful ”Yowch!” and the sound of somepony knocking her head on the sink before slowly sliding off and falling face first onto the floor. Quickfix was just about to ask if Redheart needed some help when the door finally opened, revealing the nurse with a land shark chomping on her flank.

“You tamed a Zamite,” she said matter-of-factly

“Yup! Isn’t it just the cutest?”

Redheart looked at the shark biting on her flank. She’d have to see Sunset later to make the scars disappear, but that was just an afterthought. However, Redheart still can’t see which part of the Zamite actually counted as “cute”. Was it the empty black eyes that stared into her soul? Or maybe the rows upon rows of teeth that were still in her flank? Or maybe it’s the sharp scales protecting its back.

Maybe it really was the teeth. It’s the only thing Redheart could think of, anyway.

“Well,*ow* as long as you’re *ow* safe…” she sighed, wincing in pain after every other word. She would have pulled the shark off of her flank, but she only knew how to remove sharks from other ponies’ flanks, not her own “I’ll be taking *ow* the Zamite… well, Snap, for the *ow* day. These things are known to emit *ow* cold air, and I wouldn’t *ow* want to make *ow* your *ow* cold *ow* worse-”

“NO!”

Before Redheart could even react, Quickfix had grabbed her pet shark and pulled it hard, instantly tearing it off of Redheart’s flank. She was lucky that Snap had let go by then, or she’d have more than just a few teeth marks to take care of. All she could think of as she rubbed her backside was ‘YEEOOOOWWWWWWW!!!!’

“Snap’s my pet, and ah’ll be the one ta take care of ‘im!” she hugged the shark closer to her stomach. She could no longer wipe away the snot coming out of her nose, and it looked like she was trying her best to hold a sneeze in “Ah don’t have a cold, trust me! By tomorrow, ah’ll be healthy enough ta hunt ‘nother land shark!”

“W-Whatever… you say… Quickfix...” Redheart slowly crawled away, a hoof still on her flank as she tried to bear the pain “I... I’ll just… just come visit you… tomorrow…. Now if you’ll – if you’ll excuse me, I-I’ll need to… take care of this...”

Redheart limped all the way out the door while a hoof held her flank. If she knew that she would get bitten by a Zamite today, she would have packed in the required medicine. Just her luck that that was the one medicine she didn’t bring. Hopefully, Sunset wouldn’t ask too many questions. Even if she did, she’ll probably accept ‘Quickfix happened’ as a viable answer.

“ACHOO!”

She prayed that it was just more dust.

The next day

“Ah feel like death...” Quickfix grumbled. Her voice was so raspy it was barely inaudible.

“I told you that you had a cold,” Redheart was holding Snap by its chest, dragging it away from its owner. Her flank was covered in medical bandages. Apparently, Sunset hadn’t reached the topic about curing land shark bites yet. She was planning on reading that next Tuesday “See what happens when you don’t listen to your nurse?”

“Hey, ah’m dying by some mutant shark virus! Ye shut yer damn mouth, woman!” Quickfix hugged her blanket even closer to her body, wondering why it wasn’t working right “And gimme back my mutant shark! If ah’m dyin’, ah’m dyin’ with my boyfriend!”

“Quickfix, you aren’t dying. You just have a cold and it’ll pass fairly quickly if you just lie down and have some rest. See, I even brought some cold medicine, you’ll be fine.”

She paused.

“Snap is your boyfriend?”

“He’s the only one who understands me!”

Throughout history, nopony has ever seen a sick Northerner. After all, the cold climate they were raised in made them immune to them. But now Redheart was bearing witness to the first ever sick Northerner, and it was creepy. Although, she was a bit giddy at the thought of analysing the first ever sick Northerner.

It was still creepy as heck, though.

“Quickfix, I’m going to make you some hot tea. Is that okay with you?” Redheart asked from the bedroom door while still holding a squirming Snap

“... Want ice cream,” Quickfix huffed

“Ice cream is bad for colds. It will just make it worse.”

“But Redhear... a... A-CHOO!” the Unicorn called out from her futon “Ah need the ice cream ta cool mah throat!”

“No, what you need is rest and something nice and warm to drink. I am going to leave the medicine here, as well as a glass of water. When I get back here in about ten minutes, I expect to see you lying down on that futon and that you’ve already taken the medicine. Do I make myself clear?”

“… Don’t want tea,” Quickfix mumbled underneath her covers “… Too hot,”

“Then how does soup sound to you?” Redheart giggled inwardly. She was reminded of the time she took care of a sick Lightning Dust back when she was a foal. That also included all the carnage and destruction she brought with her.

“… Soup good,”

Redheart rolled her eyes as she continued walking out of the bedroom. Well, if it could even be called a bedroom. It was just a side room that used to be Quickfix’s broom closet until she realised that brooms are actually pretty dumb and invented the vacuum. She had a single futon thrown unceremoniously on the floor. Pillows and blankets are strewn around haphazardly and did that thing just move?!

Before Redheart could start cooking the chicken soup, she needed to keep the Zamite somewhere that Quickfix would never find, while at the same time making sure that it was comfortable. That meant that the one place she could actually think of was the bathroom, as depressing as that sounds. Despite her past trauma with the room, she steeled her resolve and ran in there screaming, quickly filled up the tub with ice cold water, and dropped the land shark into it.

“Mrawrgh!”

“AAAARGH!!” Redheart screamed and left the bathroom, closing the door in the process. Never again.

“Phew, Now, where is her kitchen...?”

Good question, Redheart!

Considering just how much time Quickfix spent in the laboratory part of the building, she soon found all the other rooms inconvenient and decided to merge them all into the lab. Nurse Redheart quickly found out about her renovations when she saw the fridge right next to the highly explosive chemicals. Apparently, explosives made Quickfix hungry.

That would explain a few things, really.

After forcing her neat freak tendencies back, Redheart opened the fridge to look for the ingredients. Five minutes later, she finally found a can of instant soup right behind the giant Mega Baboon heart. Since she can’t for the life of her find the utensils to cook the soup in, Redheart went against her better judgement and cooked the soup with a beaker and a Bunsen burner.

Once the soup was cooking on low heat and stirred, Redheart figured that she had some time to check up on her patient. It’s been ten minutes, and she hasn't heard any explosions yet. Maybe Quickfix was finally listening to her advice and is sleeping right now?

“Oh, for goodness sake!”

She should really stop being so optimistic.

In the ten minutes that Redheart had left the room, Quickfix had already bolted her bedroom door down and set up every single security protection that magitech had to offer. Not even a nuclear apocalypse could break that door down. If even the most professional hacker were to attempt to crack through all the protective barriers, it’ll take at least two months not counting all the shock traps Quickfix had set up. And don’t even get me started on the literal Firewall.

Five seconds and one emergency reset button later, Redheart entered the bedroom.

“Quickfix, what are… you… doing…?”

She quickly regretted coming in when she did.

“Oh, hey Red!” Quickfix turned to look at the nurse, a rather manic look could be seen on her face “So ah got ta thinking, what’s the best way to take care of an evil mutant shark virus? *cough* *cough* By destroying it at its source, a course! But it’ll be really hard to go and kill every single land shark in existence, so ah thought ‘Then ah’ll just go back in time and kill Snap before ah adopt him’! It’s the perfect plan!”

If Redheart was listening, she sure wasn’t showing it. Instead, her attention was brought to the giant machine standing behind Quickfix. It was a metallic ring, large enough to fill the entirety of the back of the room. Wires and nodes were sticking out of the machine, letting sparks fly around the room dangerously. In Quickfix’s hooves was a remote control made from a calculator.

“Y-You built a time machine…” Redheart’s voice came out as a tiny whisper. She knew that her friend was prone to do crazy things, but this just takes the cake “You’re planning on going back in time and killing Snap before you adopt him… because of a cold?”

“That’s called tough love, lady *Achoo*. Live with it,” Quickfix went back to her machine, tightening up a random bolt that looked like it really shouldn’t be there

“I thought you said that it was your boyfriend?” if this is how Quickfix treats her pets, then Redheart didn’t want to know how she treats her actual boyfriends.

“Oh, ah considered that as well. So my plan was ta kill myself after killing Snap, then taking over her place as the new Quickfix.”

“But… But you’ll still be sick!”

Quickfix dropped the spanner in her hooves and pondered the situation for a moment “… Ah did not think that through very well, did ah?”

“No, you did not,” Redheart said with all the kindness she could muster. It was her Element, dammit, and she was going to use it! “Now let’s go to your futon and… where’s your futon?”

Now that Redheart had accepted her friend’s insane logic, she finally noticed that the room no longer looked like a bedroom, or should it be futonroom? In fact, none of the things that were previously in the room were there anymore. It was just the giant time machine, the calculator-switch, and a crowbar. She couldn’t even find the glass of water she had given Quickfix just now.

“Used it as a motherboard,” answered Quickfix curtly, still staring at the time machine questioningly

“The blankets and pillows?”

“Ah needed somethin’ ta sacrifice to the god of time.”

“And the glass of water?”

“LED.”

“Ah,”

The first chapter in the book Redheart will one day write about sick Northerners will be about how insane they are, and how to properly knock one out so they won’t destroy too much property. There will be no second chapter, because that was all you needed to know about a sick Northerner; they’re crazy and should be left unconscious and kept in a cellar at all times until they’re healthy enough to think straight.

“Well, that doesn’t matter,” Redheart discarded the thought of the futonroom’s demise “Now, I know it’s just a cold, but maybe I can get you a room in the hospital? I’ll even make sure that it’s first class, just for you! How does that sound?”

“Ah got it!”

“Celestia help me…” she slapped her face with a hoof

“Ah could just go back in time, and cure the common cold!” Quickfix ran up to the nurse and grabbed her by the shoulders “How good are ye at killing Time Monsters?”

“Time Monsters?!”

“Yeah, Time Monsters. Or maybe Time Lords, ah’m not judgin’,” Quickfix’s face was dangerously close to Redheart’s, and not in the intimate way either. It was more like the way a psychopath looks at their victim while the chainsaw was revving up “You know how in TV shows, there are always things protecting the time-space continuum whenever the main characters open up a time machine? *Achoo!* Yeah, ah’ll need ye to hold it off while ah go back in time. Remember, don’t touch its tentacles. Those are always filled with time energy that could probably turn ye into a baby. Or give you immortality, ah dunno.”

“No! I am not fighting any… Time Monsters(!) and you are not going to go back in time! You are going to drink your chicken soup, get some rest, and take your medicine. I swear, with Celestia as my witness, that I will make sure that you don’t touch that time machine!”

In the blink of an eye, Redheart was already behind Quickfix. The inventor didn’t even have enough time to react before she grabbed her by the chest and forcefully dragged her away from the time machine. Quickfix was left kicking and screaming, albeit fruitlessly, at the nurse. Despite being a Northerner, the cold had sapped away all of her strength. Now she was more or less just a big lump of meat flailing about in Redheart’s hooves.

“Wait! a-ah have ‘n idea!” Quickfix suddenly shouted, still kicking and screaming “Ah won’t use the time machine, a-ah promise! *cough*”

“Then pray tell, what are you going to do?” asked Redheart. She was starting to feel that getting her to go to bed was futile and she should just give up right now.

“So the problem here is that ah have a cold, right? Then I’ll just make a robot that could fight the cold viruses when ponies get sick!”

Then the room exploded.

Redheart and Quickfix stood aghast as the time machine activated, covering the entirety of the room with a blinding white light. And considering how small the room was, it must have hurt a lot. When the light became too much for them to handle, Redheart dropped her load and shielded her eyes, although it was far too late for that.

“Agh! My eyes!”

From the centre of the portal, a figure could be seen stepping out of the time machine. It was a pony with a coat so white it was probably bleached. Her mane and tail were both a dark brown colour, and on her flank was a Cutie Mark of… a spanner.

“Quickfix Aperture! I am you, from the future! You may call me… Future Quickfix!” she declared in a commanding voice, although devoid of her usual Northern accent “Because I tried to fight my destiny of having a cold, I had caused the deaths of millions of ponies! Now, as penance for my actions, I have managed to sell my soul to the time god Clockwork so I may go back in time and stop myself from ever building those robots in the first place!”

“… Wait, how far into the future?” Redheart asked, bracing herself for the worst.

“Next Tuesday!” Future Quickfix yelled out commandingly.

“… Well, I guess that explains those crazy conspiracy theorists questions. The world doesn’t end by flame or a zombie apocalypse, but by robots and a sick Unicorn, good to know!” answered Redheart sarcastically “Okay, we get the message. Now can you please go back? I’ll make sure that this Quickfix doesn’t cause the apocalypse.”

“But I cannot!” Future Quickfix’s commanding tone echoed throughout the room “Because somepony didn’t kill the Time Monster like I told them to!”

“Fer Celestia’s sake, Redheart, ye had one job!” Quickfix piped up before getting knocked in the head by Redheart

“I’ve never fought a battle in my life, Quickfix. Of course I can’t beat a Time Monster!”

“Well, then maybe ye should start training right now!”

“ENOUGH!”

The two mares turned to look at Future Quickfix, who they had conveniently forgotten was there in the first place. Because really, when you learn from your future self that the world is going to end in a few days and it’s all your fault, you sort of forget trivial things like that.

When they did get a good look at Future Quickfix, however, she had already transformed. She was surrounded by golden energy, and her mane had also turned blonde. Her originally grey eyes had turned bright blue, as well. Redheart could swear she could hear a rather pissed off midget screaming ‘Oh, now there are super ponies, too?!’

“I did not only come back to stop myself,” Future Quickfix boomed commandingly as she took a step, instantly cracking the floor beneath her “I came back to kill myself and take her place!”

“Is that your answer for everything?!”

Quickfix barely had enough time to answer Redheart’s question as she grabbed the pale white nurse by the tail and dragged her out of the room. They managed to escape in just enough time, too. One second later and they would have fallen prey to the giant blue ball of explosive energy that blew apart the futonroom. They were also lucky that Quickfix had managed to close the door in time.

“Curses! My bedroom door! The only thing that survived the apocalypse!” they heard Future Quickfix scream from behind the door

“Where are we gonna hide?!” Redheart was shivering on the floor. When she woke up this morning, she really didn’t expect to face the start of an apocalypse. But then again, she lived in Ponyville. That was just another Tuesday.

Oh.

“The bathroom!” Quickfix shouted, earning a confused look from Redheart “I’ll never think to look in the bathroom, okay?!”

“But since it’s the last place you’ll probably look, then wouldn’t it now be the first place you’ll look?”

“Don’t get smart with me, woman! A-A-ACHOO!!”

CRAKOOOM!

“Open, vile entrance!”

“You’re right, Quickfix, you are so right!” Redheart quivered as she stood up and started running towards the bathroom “Bathroom it is!”

Not wanting to waste any time, the two mares quickly escaped to the bathroom and ran in, slamming the door shut and locking it for extra measure. Redheart slowly slumped onto the floor with panicked breaths, if breaths could even panic. She really didn’t want to be here anymore.

Splash Splash

“Mrawrgh!”

“Snap!” Quickfix squealed and ran up to the land shark who was still swimming around in the bathtub “Aw, did ye miss mummy? Ah missed ye! C’mere, lil’ fella-a-a-ACHOO!”

“We need a plan.” Redheart said from her spot on the floor “Because I am not going to fight Future Quickfix!”

“Okay, ah think ah have a better plan!” Quickfix said, using the bath water to wash her face “What if ah put my brain into an android body?!”

“… Why would you even do that?” Redheart knew that she wasn’t going to like the answer

“Because then ah could beat the schnoz out of Future Me, and ah won’t ever get sick ever again!” Quickfix smirked “It’s killin’ two birds with one stone! Why didn’t ah think of it sooner?!”

And then the room exploded.

“AAGH! MY EYES!”

Once again, Redheart had failed to shut her eyes in time as the bathroom was filled with blinding white light. When the light finally disappeared, it left behind a giant metal ring not unlike the one that was in Quickfix’s futonroom, and that obviously meant that it was so big that it destroyed everything in the bathroom except the sink, because as everyone knows sinks have the innate ability to always avoid destruction.

The time machine slowly sprang to life, once again blinding the room with white light (“MY EYES!!”). What appeared out of the machine was a brown pony with a creamy white mane and grey eyes, almost exactly like Quickfix. In fact, it would have been an exact carbon copy of Quickfix had it not been for the obvious nuts, screws and metal plates covering its body.

[Greetings. My name is Android Quickfix Aperture 2.0, android form of Quickfix Aperture. Mission objective: To kill subject name: Quickfix Aperture so she may not cause the Apocalypse next Tuesday.]

“Urgh...” Redheart rubbed her eyes, but the black spots just wouldn’t disappear “Tuesday again?”

[Subject identified as ‘Nurse Redheart’. Primary Objective: murder for being unable to kill a Time Monster.]

“Even in an alternate future, ye still can’t do one simple job,” Quickfix sighed as she shook her head

[Engaging Battle Mode. Selecting weapon-class, Crowbar]

The door to the bathroom suddenly exploded, revealing the pale white glowing blonde Future Quickfix in all her glory. She was holding a crowbar, which was also glowing with golden energy, and her expression could bring a land shark to tears. Not that she needed to do much to bring one to tears, anyway.

“Quickfix Aperture!” she declared in a commanding tone “You may have thought that the toilet shall be the last place that I will look for you, but you are wrong! For because it is the last place that I will look, it has henceforth become the first place that I will look! Now, prepare to face your imminent doom!”

“I told you!” Redheart shouted

[Alert: unknown presence detected. DNA and iris scan matches the new presence as subject: Quickfix Aperture. Power Level is exceptionally high: far beyond quadruple digits. Engaging Battle against new subject.]

From Android Quickfix’s sides then appeared two crowbars, both of them shining brightly as electricity coursed through the metal weapons of mass destruction. Redheart and Quickfix merely stood there in the middle, both dumbfounded at the situation.

Replying to Android Quickfix’s challenge, Future Quickfix screamed to the heavens and flew towards her enemy. The two alternate Quickfixes fought an epic battle, trading blow for blow as their crowbars clashed. Sparks of energy flew everywhere, illuminating the bathroom in its glow.

Mere words cannot express how amazing the battle was as Future Quickfix fought using energy balls and physics defying punches, while Android Quickfix deflected each move and returned with her own modified arsenal, all stored within her robotic body. Bards shall sing of the battle for years to come, yet it will never be as good as actually being there in person and watching the battle unfold. Movies will be made of this very fight!

“Quick, let’s run!” Redheart whispered as she crawled towards the door “If we hurry, we could-”

“HALT!” Future Quickfix boomed “Why are we fighting amongst ourselves, while our true target is still alive? I say, we shall stall this battle for now and continue with our main objective! Killing Past Quickfix!”

[Statement addressed. Battle shall recommence once Prime Directive has been achieved. Switching to Prime Directive…]

Redheart gulped.

Quickfix pointed Snap at the alternate Quickfixes.

“Quickfix, what are you-?”

“SNAP USED ICE BEAM!”

Putting her newfound knowledge on land sharks to good use, Quickfix then tickled Snap right in the stomach. As soon as she touched the small Ice Sac, Snap fired a beam of ice right at Quickfix’s two other selves which was so powerful it sent Quickfix flying right out of the bathroom door. She slammed into the wall right next to the fridge, making the explosive chemicals shake a little bit.

With the two parties left frozen in ice, Redheart followed suit and left the bathroom. She quickly found the sick mare dazed on the floor with mucus running down her nose. Not wanting Quickfix to get any sicker, Redheart used her tail to grab Snap and place it on her back.

“Ah guess t’was… super effective… Achoo!” Quickfix chuckled as she got onto her hooves

“You know, we could have avoided all this if you just listened to me and stayed in bed,” Redheart reminded, earning a death glare from Quickfix.

“Hide now, complain later.”

“But we can’t hide anywhere else! Your lab only had two other rooms and, unless you’ve forgotten, they’re both destroyed! The only thing we can do right now is to try and send the two of them back to the future!”

“If we do, ye’ll have to take care of the Time Monsters!”

Redheart snarled “Fine, then we won’t use a time machine. Then what else are we supposed to do? Wait for another alternate version of you again?

And then the room exploded.

“Oh, me and my big – AAGH! MY EYES!!”

A new figure walked out of the blinding white light. However, this time the new visitor looked exactly like Quickfix, although she wore a scientist lab coat and goggles. In fact, she could even pass off as Quickfix’s twin sister if it weren’t for the fact that they’re the exact same pony.

“Hello, there, Past Me and Redheart. The name’s Scientist Quickfix!” she said, fixing her goggles the same way a nerd fixes his glasses whenever he says something smart “I came from next Monday, from a future where I listened to Redheart’s advice and rested in bed for the entire day. I’m here to help Past Me save herself from getting murdered by Future Me and Android Me!”

“Wait, Monday?” Redheart asked. Her eyes were closed shut in an attempt to make the bright spots disappear, but to no avail “N-Not Tuesday?”

“Of course not. Everypony knows that Tuesday is Apocalypse Day! Who knows what would have happened to me by then? Mutant Quickfix, with the ability to shoot laser beams from her eyes, maybe?”

A small pocket of light suddenly appeared next to the group, prompting Scientist Quickfix to throw a small bomb into it. The hole then quickly disappeared, leaving behind a pained scream echoing through the lab.

“So is there any way ta stop those other ‘me’s?” Quickfix asked as she picks Snap off of Redheart’s tail and places it onto the ground next to her “Somethin’ that wouldn’t involve a time machine? Speakin’ of which, what happened to your world’s Time Monster?”

“In my world, Redheart heeded my advice and took Time Monster Battling lessons. She quickly learned how to dispose of them and took it out while I travelled through time. Surely, she is the best Time Monster fighter in the history of Time Monster fighters!”

“Ah wish ah had yer Redheart…”

Their conversation was cut short, however, as two figures appeared from the bathroom door. Future Quickfix’s mane and tail had grown much longer and spikier, making her look like a blonde hedgehog. Android Quickfix, too, had an upgrade as her entire body was decked out with every weapon a ten year old colt’s mind could think of.

“You will not escape our wrath!” Future Quickfix shouted dramatically before seeing Scientist Quickfix. She then tapped her chin epically for a moment before adding “And from now on, I shall be known as Super Quickfix, for there are far too many future versions of me in this timeline, therefore making my name redundant!”

[Alert! New lifeform detected as subject: Quickfix. Changing objectives to include murder of new specimen after Prime Directive is achieved.]

“Wait, but ye were frozen! How’d ye get out so fast?!” Quickfix went slack jawed

“Well, it’s because they’re both fire and steel types,” Scientist Quickfix said smartly as she once again fixed her goggles “And we all know that ice attacks do less damage when fighting against those types.”

“Darn it! If only ye were a ground type instead!”

“Mraawrgh!”

“Daww, ah just can’t get mad at ye!” she snuggled Snap again

Super Quickfix and Android Quickfix both squee’d at the scene. They, too, had a soft spot for their beloved Snap, but both Super Snap and Android Snap didn’t join them on their trip back to the past. This made the two future Quickfixes very jealous. They wanted to pet Snap, and hug it, and raise it to become a giant Zamtrios that will bring death upon their enemies.

But there was only one Snap.

“I shall be the one to care for my beloved Snap!” Super Quickfix jumped after them, glowing balls of energy in hoof

[Negative. I shall be the one who will claim Snap as my own. Prime Directive overridden.]

What happened next was the second greatest battle scene ever to be seen by mortal eyes. Bards all around the world cry as they will never be able to tell the tale in its full glory. Famous film director and producer Michael Hay will attempt to recreate the battle scene, but will instead fill audiences worldwide with rage as he failed to recreate such an epic scene.

Scientist Quickfix, however, took this chance to run towards the beaker of chicken soup still cooking on the Bunsen burner and a vial of explosive chemicals. She bit her lip as she dripped a single drop of the explosive liquid into the chicken soup. Prayers left her mouth as she threw the beaker to the wall, breaking it in an instance.

The wall soon cracked open, revealing a large black hole that swirled with dark energy. The Quickfixes all stopped fighting as they stared at the crack with fear in their eyes. From the hole came a giant black creature with leathery wings and a maw filled with rows upon rows of teeth. Its sickle-like hands slashed around in the air aimlessly, narrowly missing Redheart by a hair. A scar could be seen running through its left eye.

If that didn’t scare the Quickfixes enough, then the tentacles on the back sure did. They lashed out at them with the fury of a thousand land sharks who held a grudge against Quickfix in particular.

Super Quickfix was the first to be captured and dragged into the vortex, shouting to the heavens about how she will return. Android Quickfix had much less luck. She tried to fight back with her missiles and rocket launchers, but they all phased through the monster and into the black hole. The tentacles grabbed her and flung her into the hole.

Quickfix would have been thrown in as well had Scientist Quickfix not stepped in, holding a rock in her hooves. The monster stared at it and shuddered, slowly backing away until it was finally back into the portal. With a final flick of her hoof, she threw the rock into the portal.

GRAAAAWWWRGHH!!

Then it closed, leaving no trace of a portal ever being there in the first place.

“That… That was…”

“Snap’s mother,” Scientist Quickfix fixed her goggles smartly “In my timeline, it sold its soul to the time god Clockwork and became a Time Monster so it may return to the past and kill every single Quickfix in existence. However, it will only appear if you mixed a single drop of an explosive chemical with chicken soup left boiling on top of a Bunsen burner for about ten minutes.”

“Well, that was oddly specific,” Quickfix snorted before wiping away some mucus from her nose “An’ the rock?”

“The very one I used to blind its eye.”

“Awesome. Wait, what happened ta Super Me an’ Android Me?”

“Well…” Scientist Quickfix looked at the ground and shifted her hooves “Let’s just say that they’re in a place worse than Ponyville next Tuesday.”

“Detrot?”

“No… the time portal that they were sent to led them… to the YouTube comments section.”

Quickfix visibly cringed as she dropped to her flank. Not even she would have wished that upon her greatest enemies. But what was she to do? There was no way for her to rescue them anymore. May Celestia protect their souls.

“Well, I should return to next Monday right now,” Scientist Quickfix sighed smartly and fixed her goggles “I must help the Elements of Harmony face the Apocalypse the next day. This shall be the very last time we meet, Past Me. May your adventures be as awesome as mine are.”

“And may yours be as awesome as mine.”

Redheart groaned beside them “Ugh… I-I think I can open my eyes now. I can see again! I can see!”

Scientist Quickfix opened up a time portal, filling the entire room with an intense white light that illuminated the entire lab. When it finally disappeared, Redheart was left standing there with her irises shrunk and veins popping in her eyes. She tried to shut her eyes, but realised that they stung too much whenever she tried to.

“MY EYES!!!”

“Well, would ye know it? Ah think my cold’s gone!” Quickfix cheered and hugged Snap “Who knew that the best way to cure a cold was to get yourself stuck in a battle against two of your alternate future selves?”

“I CAN ONLY FEEL PAIN AND THEY’RE ALL IN MY EYES!”

“Mraawrgh!”

“Well, ah think ah could fix ye up with a pair of glasses,” Quickfix smiled, feeling a bit sorry for her friend “C’mon, ah’ll even give it to ye free! Ye know, to show ye that I’m thankful that you took care of me for the entire day. An’ hey, if ye never made the chicken soup, then we would never have managed ta save the day! Ye’r a hero, Redheart!”

“I JUST WANNA GO HOME!!”

Quickfix’s lab was in shambles, Redheart was probably going to need glasses after this, and Snap became terrified of more than two people holding him at one time. But all in all, it could have ended worse. After all, this was the only universe in which the Apocalypse didn’t happen next Tuesday. And really, what could be better than knowing that the world wouldn’t end in a few days?

Today was a good day.

Author's Note

This was weird