I Ship It!

by Hoshii Niisan

Rating: teen
Tags: Romance, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Random, Sex, Main 6, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 982

Twilight Sparkle stumbles on a book about shipping.

One day after a tramatic experience with Spike and Rarity, Twilight Sparkle stumbles on a book about shipping, and I think you can tell what happens next. Shipping. Shipping everywhere.

Published 2015-04-13 20:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-04-18 18:49:45 UTC

The Art of Killing

"Oh my GOD.....wait, I mean OH MY CELESTIA!"

Twilight Sparkle was visibly shaken at the sight of her experiment's results. Spike lay motionless on the floor, his head cracked open to reveal a small brain and a slightly thicker skull. Blood started to ooze out to the floor below, making Rarity start to hyperventalate.

"What the hell did you do to my HUSBAND?"

"I didn't know what would happen! I promise!"

Rarity merely pointed her nose in the air as she trotted towards the door. "Have a nice bucking day," she said with sarcastic derision as she exited. Sounds of uncontrollable sobbing could be heard upon the slamming of the door.

"Oh Celestia, oh Celestia," Twilight whined to herself as she searched for a book that might give her some answers. She rummaged through what seemed like millions of books, when she had only rummaged through about a billion. She whimpered as she pondered all the different possibilities that could happen. What if-

"Ah," Twilight gasped, "what's this?" She didn't bother to wipe the dust off its tattered cover, she just opened the book, instantly greeted with dust, moths, and assorted spiders. Through all the dust lay a single page that merely read:

TOUCH ME

Pervert, Twilight thought as she reluctantly pressed her hoof over the page.

The Art of Forcing Canon

The page opened up to reveal an entire room full of information on what looked like a hologram screen.

"What..." Twilight trailed off as she noticed a picture of two ponies doing things that I won't mention for safety reasons. "Wait..." Twilight suddenly had an idea. "That's it! I can make Rarity fall in love with somepony else so they can [I said I wouldn't mention what was on the picture] like they're doing on the picture!"

Scootaloo sighed with disgust. "'Nopony can force two ponies to be together.' God I'm an idiot."

Apple Bloom made her best efforts to console the troubles filly. "Don't worry," she said gingerly, "We can try again when we READ THE INSTRUCTIONS! DAMN SCOOTALOO WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM!?!"

"Shut up," Scootaloo said nonchalantly as they approached their clubhouse.

Twilight ran over to the hole that Big Mac and Cheerilee were in, only to find they were gone. She spotted two ponies walking in opposite directions, one red and one purple.

"Guys!" she hollered to the two. Both turned their heads and trotted over cautiously.

"Oh, Twilight, it's you!" Cheerilee said with a smile. "Was there something you needed?"

"Actually," Twilight said, grabbing Big Mac by his ear, "it's somepony YOU need!" She smiled with an almost malicious expression as she tried to recall the spell the book had told her. Her horn started to glow a familiar shade of purple.

"Twilight," Cheerilee sighed, "this better not be another experiment."

"Maybe it is, maybe it isn't! You'll never kno-"

A huge blast erupted on the sidewalk, waking ponies all over Equestria. The dust settled after a few minutes to reveal a ghastly sight.

Yes, Twilight thought to herself, giving herself a pat on the back. Now to do this with Rarity. Before she trotted off, she turned to the couple whose moaning was interrupted.

"Maybe you should consider taking that to the bedroom, you're waking ponies up."

The Art of Canon

Rarity arose from her fainting couch to vomit after eating about twenty large tubs of ice cream. It was then that the door produced a knocking sound. Or it could've been a bomb. Her head hurt too much.

"Hi Rarity!" Twilight said as she teleported to Fluttershy's house.

"What..." Rarity dismissively closed her door to clean up her vomit-ridden rug.

"Sure, I'll do anything for a friend, especially Rarity, because she helps me out in a dark situation. Like this one time, Angel was-"

"Yeah," Twilight interjected, "whatever." She grabbed Fluttershy by the hoof and teleported to Rarity's house once more, whom had recovered fully from her vomiting episode.

"I miss you, Spike," she said, grabbing a picture of him and her at their wedding. She hugged it tightly until she heard knocking again. "Twilight! If that's you, I swear..."

She opened the door to see a Twilight and a clueless Fluttershy.

"SURPRISE!"

Like she had done with Big Mac and Cheerilee, she cast her shipping spell, producing a less catastrophic explosion than last time. She walked off proudly as she heard lamps falling and zippers unzipping from inside.

But Twilight suddenly had a vision.

"What if... oh my Celestia! What if I can cast this spell on at two ponies I want and make them together?!?! I need a name for this..."

"How about hogtying?" A familiar voice told her.

"No, Twilight, how bout castration?"

"Ew, Twilight!" How about CANON?"

"Say, Twilight, that isn't a bad idea!" Her pupils started to shrink as she turned more and more into her insane counterpart.

"I'll... canon...EVERYPONY MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

The art of random fight scenes

While Twilight was walking away, she heard a rustling in the grass. She turned around and text suddenly appeared under her hooves.

A WILD ANGEL BUNNY HAS APPEARED!

WHAT WILL TWILIGHT SPARKLE DO?

Well this is weird, Twilight thought. Hmmmm, can I use my magic?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE USED MAGIC BLAST. 28 DAMAGE TO ANGEL BUNNY.

ANGEL BUNNY USED BITCH SLAP. 30 DAMAGE TO TWILIGHT SPARKLE.

Owwwwwww, what else can I do. Hmmmm, oh look a burrito.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE ATE A BURRITO. THIS STORY CAME OUT OF HER ASS.

ANGEL BUNNY IS TOO SHOCKED THAT THIS STORY WENT THERE TO MOVE.

THIS STORY USED PLOT CONVEINENCE. ANGEL BUNNY DIED.

YOU WIN (NANANANANAAAANAAANANNANNANANANANANANANA) MY VIRGINITY!

"Ewwwwwww, I don't want that, that's gross!" Twilight exclaimed, repulsed at her prize.

"Says the pony who just farted out written poop. I don't think you should judge" text appeared at the bottom of the screen.

.........."touche"