Real Policemares of Ponyville

by Starlitomega

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Crossover, Slice of Life
Length: 3977

Ride along with the baddest mares this side of the Everfree forest as they keep the peace!

Ride along with the baddest mares this side of the Everfree forest. join Swift justice and Static mane as they negotiate, outwit, and taser anypony who might be foalish enough to break the law.

Seriously though, this is a light-hearted comedy fic inspired by police women of broward county. hints of shipping do come into play but not a single kiss occurs. not a real kiss anyway.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-02-11 10:14:01 UTC

Chapter 1

None of this is canon, fanon, or serious business. Put on your shutter shades and face the madness.

Any notes between {} denote statements from the Policemare directly to the audience in a one on one sitdown between them and the Cameramare just as in the show "Real Police Women of Broward County."

~

"Some ponies think Ponyville is safe, they think we don't have crime and for the most part they're right." A pink unicorn in uniform with a hoofcuff cutie mark explained. "A lot of what we do have though are what we designate as "10-12's". Events that are not easily explained in one of the preset codes are 10-12's: unusual circumstances that require further investigating."

"Yeah, I can't remember the last time I got a robbery or grand theft carriage call." Replied her partner, a green pegasus with a taser cutie mark. "Sometimes I wish for the crime to be something bad, that way I know what I'm getting into."

"Static Mane! You don't wish for bad crimes, no matter how easy it would make our jobs! You're just looking for a reason to taser somepony."

"Look, we've been through this like, a bajillion times Swift…"

"That's not a real number."

"…I only deploy the taser when it's absolutely necessary to protect a townspony or a fellow police mare."

"Absolutely necessary? Absolutely necessary! I think you forgot the incident last week with the rabbit!"

Static shrugged "What? You can wreck some shit with a carrot."

{Swift justice: Working with Static is quite the… experience. She's the only pony ever in the history of Equestria to have a taser for a cutie mark. She refuses to carry a stick but I've seen her get real handy with the electricity at the drop of a hat. That being said, she's also one of the best damn Policemares on the force. She's got an iron will and the speed to catch nearly any law breaker and she's not shy about using either of them.}

The radio on Swift's flank crackled to life. "Swift, this is Central."

"This is Swift Central, go ahead."

"Swift, we've got a report of a 10-12, looks like some sort of disturbance at Carousel Boutique."

Both mares groaned in response. " Ugh! Rarity? Again?"

"Affirmative, we couldn't identify the problem with the complainant, stay on alert."

"10-4 Central, moving out, eta: one minute.  OK partner, ready to get it over with?"

Static rolled her eyes. "Sure, let's go bust Celestia for making dust, or the weather team for bringing the rain again or somepony else for looking "absolutely dreadful!"

{Static: At the station we call Rarity "waaaahnity"…. I know, It's not very catchy but it gets the point across. She once asked me to arrest a grasshopper for hopping at her in an obscene manner.}

~

Static and Swift jumped inside Carousel Boutique scanning for any sign of disturbance. In the back of the showroom they spotted the distraught unicorn crying pools into her "drama couch" next to a colt with a confused and apologetic look on his face. Static approached the crying mare first.

"Something the matter here?"

Rarity cut the waterworks instantly leaping to her hooves, "OFFICERS! I demand you detain this cretin at once for assault!" she ordered pointing to the pony next to her.

Swift looked the colt over with an expert eye, less than impressed with the criminal potential in their first suspect. "Well, what's your story?"

The colt took a deep breath, clearly shaken by recent events. "I came in here with my Fillyfriend to find her a new outfit and I accidentally spilled a little grape juice on Miss Rarity here when I bumped into her.”

"The sign clearly states NO FOOD OR DRINK ALLOWED IN THE BOUTIQUE!"

Static put one hoof on her taser in an instinctual manner, Swift just rolled her eyes. "Ma'am, please lower your voice. Now what sign states that in the boutique?" She asked scanning the room for the aforementioned warning.

"Are you all blind its right…. There. Oops."

Rarity’s hoof fell upon a sign completely obscured by an outfit thoughtlessly hung on the wall.

"Officers, I even offered to pay for the emergency cleaning of her outfit." The colt said gesturing to some bits in his hoof.

"But, officers, it's the principal of the matter! He must be made an example of! I demand you arrest him for assault!" Rarity whined.

{Static: listening to Rarity whine is like listening to a bag of potato chips being thrown against a chain link fence.

*off camera whispers*

Static: Spiderses? What's that?}

"So you want to file a report for assault even though no real assault took place to make an example of this young colt who offered to pay for the cleaning of your dress?" Swift reasoned out loud.

"Exactly officer! I knew you'd understand." Rarity smiled.

"Rarity, you're being placed under arrest for filing a false police report." Swift said cuffing the surprised mare.

"You can't be serious! He's the criminal! Not me!" she whined again.

{Static: Seriously, what's Spiderses?}

"Central, this is Swift, one in custody, need somepony for pickup."

"Swift, this is Central, be advised pick up is en route, eta: one minute. Report of 10-50 at Applejack's stand, please investigate, suspect is 10-99."

"Central, this is Swift, eta to Applejack's stand: five minutes."

"10-99 huh, leave it to Applejack to do our job for us." Static said with a wry grin.

{Swift: 10-50 is a report of stealing, being an apple stand there's no real question as to what was stolen. 10-99 means the suspect is otherwise incapacitated. If a report comes in 10-99 it's usually because Applejack got to them first.}

~

Swift and Static walked up to the apple stand a few minutes after leaving Rarity with pickup.

"Now that is a rare specimen all right." Swift stated looking over a griffon trussed up like a turkey in front of the stand.

{Swift: We don't get many griffons around here. They're unusually powerful, but they bleed just like anything and they sure can't stand up to a taser hit any better as Static has proven on countless occasions. }

Applejack stood over the bound griffon politely waiting for the officer to start.

"Having some problems today ma'am?" Swift asked.

"Oh yeah sugar, you could say that. Ah was busy bundling up a bag of apples for a customer when this here snake in tha grass trundled up and tried to use her tail to snatch one o my apples!"

"Any witnesses to that?" Swift asked, notepad at the ready to take statements.

Ponies all around her raised their hooves.

"I think I'm going to need a bigger pad." Swift sighed.

{Swift: Applejack is a good pony. She might cause a noise disturbance or minor health panic now and then, but she is definitely an honest pony. That being said, I don't know if all of those witnesses actually saw anything or if they're just vouching for her.}

" Where’s the evidence?" Static asked

"She dropped it right there as soon as I roped her. I hadn't touched it just in case." Applejack replied.

Swift carefully bagged the apple as evidence. "Excellent. We'll send it to the lab and see if we can get a hair match to her. Mind if we get the rope back to you later today?"

Applejack shook her head. "No ma'am, just don't forget about me is all I ask."

Swift grabbed her radio. "Central this is Swift, come in."

"Swift this is Central, over."

"Central, we have suspect in custody, need pick up, over.

"Pick up is en route, eta: two minutes."

Static hefted the griffon onto her back with a grunt, "C'mon bird brain, let's go."

"You ponies! You're all a bunch lame-os! Let me go you freak!"

"Shut up buzzard breath before I light you up like the Summer Sun Festival." Static said gesturing to her taser.

{Static: if there's one thing you need to know about Ponyville it's that anything can happen, any time, anywhere.}

Having just handed the griffon off to pickup Swift and Static found themselves staring down a rainbow blur.

*CRASH*

All three ponies tumbled to the ground in a heap.

Swift slowly rose to her hooves shaking off the impact. Looking around she saw Static still prone with stars in her eyes and a rainbow maned pegasus with a mouthful of dirt. Static Mane slowly came to her senses rising to her hooves. After spotting the injured Pegasus next to her she promptly freaked out.

"SHE'S IN SHOCK! OH NO! WHAT DO YOU DO FOR SHOCK?" the green pegasus screamed frantically."

Swift facehooved.

{Swift: I should probably mention that Static has a crush on Rainbow Dash.}

The green pegasus trotted in place frantically next to the injured pony, "Do you elevate their legs? No that's not for shock. Oh! Is it grabbing a warm blanket and keeping their temperature up? No wait, that's hypothermia." Static gasped, "CPR! She needs mouth to mouth!"

Static rushed over to Rainbow flipping her stomach up and took a deep breath.

Rainbow blinked a few times still dazed from the impact. "Huh, what's goi-"

Static brought her mouth to Rainbow's breathing out forcefully. Rainbow’s cheeks puffed out and her eyes widened as the air rushed inside her causing her belly to blow up like a balloon. Removing her mouth from the Pegasus' she put her hooves on Rainbow's chest to start compressions.

"Hang in there! I'll save you!" Static screamed frantically.

Swift knocked her off the pegasus with a tackle matching her namesake. "Hold on! She's not in shock, besides, you don't even use CPR on shock victims unless they stop breathing. She's perfectly fine… apart from what you did to her anyway." Swift said gesturing to the pegasus' swollen belly.

"You mean I… I hurt her? She might have to go to the hospital… because of me? "Static asked, her eyes filling with tears and all around looking very pathetic.

"Oh, ow…um I think I uh, sprained my hoof." Rainbow spoke up, fidgeting with her hoof in a very unconvincing manner.

{Swift: if I were ever injured and my options were throwing myself off a cliff or letting Static patch me up, I'd take my chances with the cliff.}

Static hit her partner in the back of her head. "Call it in!"

The unicorn rolled her eyes and grabbed her radio. "Central this is Swift."

"Swift this is Central, go ahead."

"Need rescue here by Applejack's stand, reporting injured Pegasus with sprained hoof and umm… swelling… in the abdominal area." Swift turned back to her partner whose gaze bore into her very soul.

"Make that priority rescue central."

"Affirmative, priority rescue, eta: imminent."

"OK, let's go get lunch." Swift said replacing the radio.

"I'm staying here with Rainbow until they get here." she replied petting the pegasus’ mane affectionately.

"Step aside please." A white pony with a red heart on her flank stepped forward to examine the injured mare. Eying the pegasus' ballooned stomach, her jaw nearly hit the ground. "What in Celestia's name causes T…THAT!" she stuttered.

"She does." Swift replied pointing back to her partner.

"Ok, let's get her to the clinic, though I'm not sure exactly what to do yet." The nurse mused out loud.

"Bye Rainbow! I'll be sure to visit you later!" Static called out to the patient being hauled away. "Maybe I should bring her a bouquet later and make sure she's OK."

"As long as it's not balloons."

"Central this is Swift, going on lunch, back in an hour."

{Static: in Ponyville there are many places to get sweets and then there's THE place to get sweets, and that place is Sugarcube Corner.}

~

Swift and Static took up a table in the back so they could keep an eye on the exit as their training taught them. A blue pony with pink hair came over dropping off a powerbar and a muffin at their table.

"Here we go, One "Power Trip" energy bar and one raisin muffin for Ponyville's finest!"

"Thanks Mrs. Cake! Smells delicious as always!" Static said drooling over the baked treat.

Magic enveloped the power bar bringing it to Swift’s mouth and took a large bite out of it. Static followed suit tearing into her muffin scattering Crumbs all over the unicorn's paperwork. Using her magic Swift swept the crumbs away so she could continue with her paperwork.

{Swift: Static tends to have very bad table manners. I would've told her she needs to be an example for all Policemares but she still hadn't used her taser yet and I know she's just looking for a reason.}

"Do you think Rarity made bond yet?" Static asked sending more crumbs flying.

"They probably didn't even charge her. It's not like we wanna punish her. We just want to show her we're not her personal army and that she needs to be more understanding of accidents." Swift said wiping her paperwork clean again.

"Yeah, she is a good pony. She just kinda gets hung up on details."

"Any word on Rainbow yet?"

"They pumped her stomach and splinted her hoof. She should be right as rain in a day or two. Oh! Right as rain? Rainbow? get it?" Static said clopping her hooves together, extremely proud of herself.

"Yeah, sure."

Swift, having finished her paper work and power bar rose to her hooves. "We've still got twenty minutes of lunch. Want to hit up the library for a little guard duty?"

{Static: You should probably know Swift has a crush on Twilight. Personally I think it's a distraction, a way to let your guard down without realizing it. That's why I keep my mind on the job twenty four-seven.}

~

Static sat in a chair in the library, a line of drool connecting her mouth to the table snoring away while several ponies studied quietly.

"So is a blackhole really a teleportation device used to connect star systems?" Swift asked with glee.

Twilight smiled, "Well nopony knows for sure but odds are good you would end up somewhere else… that is if the gravitational pull didn't tear you apart of course."

"Yeah, with pull of that magnitude, there's no way you could enter a black hole unassisted and not become some sort of pasta."

"SWIFT THIS IS CENTRAL, COME IN!" The radio crackled to life disturbing everyone in the library.

"EAT ELECTRIC JUSTICE!" Static screamed and instinctively fired her taser into the leg of a nearby chair.

Swift blushed. "I must've accidentally bumped the volume knob up during lunch." She said apologetically as the smell of charred wood hit their nostrils.

"Central this is Swift, come in."

"We have report of a 10-12 underway at the post office."

"Copy central, on our way."

"What's a 10-12?" asked Twilight.

"Flip a coin, C'mon Static, let's go." Swift said heading for the exit.

"Coming!" Static chimed in a sing song voice freeing her taser's hooks from the chair.

{Swift: we have a very dedicated Mailmare here in Ponyville. She's a hard worker, keeps her nose clean and raises a fine young filly unicorn. No idea how a Pegasus has a unicorn but hey, I'm a Policemare, not a doctor. Maybe I should ask Twilight.}

~

Swift and Static came upon an argument underway between a brown colt with an hourglass cutie mark and the Mailmare.

"OK, what's going on here?" Swift asked loudly to gain control.

"Derpy here is a thief! She's stolen an important package and I want her arrested!" The colt accused.

"He keeps demanding a package I don't have. I have to finish my rounds but he won't stop following me." Derpy explained indignantly.

"The invoice I have right here says it should be here today, she has to have it!" the colt insisted eying the Mailmare warily.

{Static: I've never trusted this guy, he's always doing secret…. stuff.}

"Let me see the bags please ma'am." Static said.

Derpy handed over her saddlebags.

"There's only one package in here…"

"That has to be mine!"

{Static: give me a reason, punk.}

And it's addressed to Berry Punch."

Rage filled the colt's face. "You're all in on this together! I'll have your badges!"

Swift motioned to her partner with a smile.

"STOP RIGHT THERE CRIMINAL SCUM!" Static fired her taser clamping down on the trigger. The air filled with the sounds of screaming and the smell of burnt hair as her target crumpled to the ground.

{Static: so satisfying.}

Swift snatched the invoice as it fluttered to the ground free from the seizing hooves of its prior owner. "It says here the package is expected to be delivered on the twenty-fifth."

"But today is the twenty-fourth." Static said holding the trigger to her taser for all she was worth leaving the colt writhing on the ground in agony.

Swift rolled her eyes, "Who knew a pony with an hourglass cutie mark could suck so hard at getting the date right?"

~

A few minutes later the colt sat in cuffs muttering to himself in a daze awaiting pickup, Static simply stared at her taser with pride.

"You enjoy that way too much."

"Amp and I have a relationship you could never understand."

{Static: What do you mean it's weird to name your taser? You're weird, poop face.}

~

Static stood by Rainbow's bed while Swift worked on her paperwork

"You look like you're doing better." Static said trying to hide a blush.

"Yeah, it wasn't really a big deal once they got my hoof splinted up and my stomach back to normal." Rainbow replied nonchalantly.

"I brought you a cupcake from Sugarcube corner if you're up for it later." Static said placing the sweet on the bed next to her. "What were you doing this morning anyway?"

The cyan pegasus' eyes lit up, "Oh! Well I start a corkscrew low to the ground and then pull an almost ninety degree turn as a demonstration of how many G's I can withstand at once. It probably would have worked better if the path was clear." Rainbow grinned sheepishly, "You weren't hurt were you?"

"No, no way! I'm a tough one! Maybe not as tough as you but tough nonetheless."

Static fidgeted for a moment in the quiet of the sterile room.

"Hey Rainbow?"

"Yeah?"

"I was wondering if you wanted to go ou-"

"Swift, this is Central."

{Swift: Thank Celestia for the radio.}

"Central this is Swift, go ahead."

"We have a report of a 10-79 involving a pink mare by Sugarcube Corner, over."

"I copy, eta: two minutes." Swift replied placing her radio back on her flank. "C'mon Static, 10-79 is a riot, they need everypony they can get."

Static looked back down at Rainbow with disappointment in her eyes. "Duty calls, I'll be back later, I promise.”

{Swift: when you get a 10-79 you expect a lot of things. Riot gear, pepper spray, pepper ball launchers, and most importantly, lots and lots of pissed off ponies.}

~

Swift and Static hid behind the now empty apple stand. Several other Policemares hid behind other obstacles such as trash cans, hay bales, empty stalls, even garden fences provided scant cover as twenty experienced officers faced down their greatest enemy.

Pinkie Pie stood in the middle of the street shaking uncontrollably with an erratic smile twitching on her face.

Static had four tasers strapped to her flank, "Sweet Celestia, what the hell is wrong with her! Our pepper ball launchers are useless against her. She puts hot sauce on her cupcakes! What are we gonna do!"

Swift could tell the situation could reach a boiling point without intervention. "I don't know, but I gotta do something." Swift said disarming herself and slowly poking out of cover.

"Be careful!" Static hissed.

The unicorn slowly approached the jittery earth pony making a clear demonstration of being unarmed.

"Hi Pinkie Pie… are you OK?"

"I’mgreatfinefantasticandecstatic!"

Relief washed over Swift as she realized her target was at least in a good mood. "Is there… anything we can… help you with?"

"idon’tneedhelpiwashelpingothersbeforetheyallranoffscreamingforhelpsoihelpedevenmoreandmadeahomeforthelessfortunateofponyville.”

Pinkie jittered as she pointed out a newly erected building.

“itriedtopaintitpinkbutwheniwenttobuythepainteveryoneranawayscreamingsoitstillneedspaintbeforeeveryonecanliveinitandnotleadbasedpaintbecausethatstuffisntgoodforyou.”

{Static: Pinkie Pie is the nicest and best pony in Ponyville. Even out of her mind she's busy taking care of others needs.}

Swift struggled to understand the pink pony's frantic speech but caught the most important bits. "Pinkie, let's go to the hospital …. And get you checked out."

"idon'tneedtogotothehospitalthat'sonlyforsickponiesandi'mnotsicki'!"

Swift realized she hit a dead end. Waving her hoof slowly, her fellow officers slowly came out of hiding. "Ok Pinkie, something's going to happen soon but I promise you'll be all right. We have to take you to the hospital and make you all better." Swift waved her hoof towards her partner.

{Static: Sorry Pinkie Pie.}

Six darts full of large animal tranquilizer hit Pinkie's flank as Static jumped from her cover dual wielding tranquilizer pistols.

"YIPES!" The earth pony reared up on her hind legs.

"GRAB HER!" Swift lunged for Pinkie's poofy tail.

The pink mare took off like a rocket as the other officers grabbed Swift's rear legs while she held on for dear life to Pinkie's tail.

The pink mare rampaged through Ponyville while a chain of fifteen ponies held on desperate to slow her down any way they could.

Swift felt her belly getting hot from the friction of being dragged mercilessly through town. Looking around an idea formed in her mind.

"EVERYPONY SHIFT TO THE RIGHT ON MY MARK, THREE, TWO, ONE, MARK!"

All of the ponies the line jerked to the right forcing Pinkie to steer to the right as well directly into the front of the parked train.

*CLANK*

Ponies flew through the air scattering in all directions following the forceful impact.

Swift slowly got to her feet stumbling over to Pinkie Pie. The earth pony's tongue lolled out of her smiling mouth signifying she had passed out cold and thanks to the tranquilizer would probably stay that way for quite some time. The cow catch sported a massive dent thanks to its lopsided battle with the rampaging pony.

"What the hell could've done that to her?"

"Swift! I found this near the spot we tried to take her down at." Static said showing her a tin can.

The unicorn grabbed the can turning the label towards her. "Who in their right mind would give Pinkie Pie coffee? Bag it, and tag it!" Swift ordered.

{Swift: Coffee? Are you serious? This is Pinkie we're dealing with. Who's got that big of a death wish?}

"Central, this is Swift."

"This is Central, go ahead Swift."

"We have Pinkie Pie restrained, she is 10-99, I repeat she is 10-99. Send priority rescue for checkup and detox immediately.

"Copy Swift, priority rescue is en route, eta: two minutes."

"Copy Central, Our day is over, I'm going dark."

"Copy swift, get some rest."

Swift turned the radio off, her duties complete for the day.

"And so ends another good day of work partner." Static said patting the unicorn on her back. "Where are you going now?"

Swift removed her uniform finally glad to be free for the day. "I'm gonna visit Twilight and see if I can get a private tutoring lesson. You?"

"I'm going back to Rainbow Dash's room. I'm sure she could use the company right now. See ya tomorrow Swift."

"Back at ya Static."

{Swift: Yeah, policing Ponyville isn't the easiest job in the world, but it is one of the most rewarding. On a daily basis I have a chance to touch lives and help ponies out who need it. I'll wake up tomorrow knowing I have to do it all again but when it comes right down to it there's nothing else I'd rather do. }

{Static: No seriously, what is Spiderses?}