Teleology

by Syeekoh

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Flitter and Cloudchaser, Slice of Life, Human, Twilight Sparkle, Anthro
Length: 8365

What purpose does a human in Equestria serve?

Teleology—the explanation of phenomena by the purpose they serve rather than by postulated causes.

Roger Schwartz is a newcomer to Equestria. The only issue with that is that everything in Equestria has a reason for existing. A purpose.

What is Roger's purpose?

Edited by Bad_Seed_72!

Preread by Rainedash!

Published 2015-03-05 19:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-05-05 22:54:38 UTC

This Isn't My Bathroom

This was not my bathroom.

It appeared, in fact, to be a modestly sized home—the living room of one, at least—with a green couch and matching easy chair surrounding a coffee table while a record player sat on a table in the corner of the room. The living room itself seemed to have a hallway that connected to the rest of the house.

“Hello? Is anyone there?” I heard a deep feminine voice ask, accompanied by the sounds of unusually heavy footsteps.

My legs locked in place as the footsteps entered the room and revealed their owner, a surprisingly human-like… horse, person, thing.

Well, let me explain.

The woman (?) was bipedal, but had a roundish muzzle and a coat of greyish-purplish hair covering her body, as well as white hair that extended down to her shoulder and about… we’ll say eight inches above her head in spikes, extending above her strangely equine ears. She also had round hooves in place of feet and wore a white nightie.

She was as surprised to see me as I was to see her. She stared at me and blinked. I returned the gesture.

She then crouched down, narrowed her eyes, and extended a pair of wings—which I honestly didn’t notice before—to an impressive length.

Well, I wasn’t sure how impressive it was, never having met a creature like her before, but it was impressive to me nonetheless.

She snarled. “You have until the count of three to tell me what the hell you are and what the fuck you’re doing in my house!”

Shit. What do I tell her? That I had no idea how I got here and was just as flabbergasted as she was? Do creatures here usually react so poorly to intruders in their home? You know what, I’d probably be pretty miffed if someone had broken into my house as well.

“One.”

Oh yeah, the countdown. She was going to do things to me if I didn’t come up with an explanation of why I was in her home. Probably very unfriendly things, judging by her posture and facial expression.

“Two.”

Why wasn’t I able to say anything? I need to say something. Anything! Quick! Say the first thing that comes to mind, before she—

“Thr—”

“Can I use your bathroom?”

Previously crouched low, she slowly stood up as she raised her eyebrow and scratched the back of her neck. “... Really? Why didn’t you just piss in a bush?”

I shrugged. “I’m not… much of a bush pisser.”

She snorted. “Heh, I like that.” She pointed with one of her wings down the hall. “First door on the left.”

“Thanks.” I nodded and went to the bathroom to relieve myself.

After relieving myself, I re-entered the living room to find the horse-woman still standing there, examining me as I went to the front door and opened it.

My apartment was not on the other side of the door.Instead, there appeared to be a small village on the other side of the door. I blinked, closed the door, and turned around to face my host.

“Where are we?” I asked.

She snickered. “Dude, you wasted or something? You’re in Ponyville.”

“Uh huh...” I slowly nodded and sat down in the easy chair. “And what’s your name?”

“Cloudchaser. You want something to eat? You don’t look so good.”

“Sure, Cloudchaser.”

Cloudchaser headed down the hall, returning with something wrapped in tin foil in her hands. She threw it into my lap, whereupon I opened it. It appeared to be a burger of sorts.

“This looks like a burger,” I intelligently noted.

“Yeah,” Cloudchaser said with a smirk, “a hayburger.”

I froze before the hayburger entered my mouth. “Did you say… hayburger?”

Cloudchaser nodded. “Yeah, so?”

“Hayburger,” I repeated, “as in… a burger whose patty is made of hay.”

Cloudchaser shrugged. “I don’t see what the big deal is. Everypony eats hayburgers.”

I stared at the hayburger, having just learned that it was made of hay. I lifted the bun, noticing ketchup and onions on the hayburger. I then put the bun back in its place.

I was faced with a dilemma: Either turn down the hayburger in accordance with my biological functions and risk insulting my host, or eat the hayburger, appeasing my host and risking indigestion.

Well, my course of action seemed clear.

I smiled. “Thank you,” I said before I took a bite of the hayburger, noting that it indeed tasted like hay.

What did you expect me to do? Cloudchaser could probably kill me without even trying and she let me use her bathroom.

I forced down the hayburger as best I could while Cloudchaser continued to study me. She then headed for the door.

“Listen… I don’t think I ever caught your name.”

“Roger,” I replied.

Cloudchaser snorted. “Roger, that’s a weird name… Well, Roger, I’m going to get someone whose weird shit-o-meter can handle this right now, because mine certainly can’t.” She grasped the doorknob and looked back at me. “You won’t choke on anything while I’m away, will you?”

I shook my head, still trying to eat the hayburger. I didn’t appreciate my intelligence being insulted as such, but maybe I gave off that impression by not knowing about this Ponyville or hayburgers.

I don’t know. I’m the one sitting here eating a burger made of hay.

“Alright. Cool,” she said as she opened the door, extended her wings, and took to the air, seemingly forgetting to close the door.

I stared at the door while I continued to eat the hayburger. I probably should have stopped eating it now that she wasn’t present, but I didn’t really want to waste the food. Plus, I could only imagine the indignation that Cloudchaser would feel if I had thrown her hayburger into the trash.

And despite being made out of hay, the seasoning made it almost palatable.

So I finished the hayburger and stared at the door. This was rather strange. Rather strange indeed.

I just hope I can go home soon. The way I came in seems nonfunctional.

After about twenty minutes of me doing absolutely nothing, Cloudchaser returned, flanked by a similar creature wearing a golf shirt and khakis, whose body hair was a light purple. Cloudchaser and her… friend, I guess, entered the house, when I noticed that the purple one had a horn sticking out from her purple bangs. She turned to Cloudchaser.

“This is the creature?” she asked.

Cloudchaser nodded.

She hummed, walked towards me, and extended her hand with a smile. “Hi, I’m Twilight Sparkle. Nice to meet you!”

I quickly stood up, dusted myself off, and shook her hand. “Roger Schwartz. Pleasure’s all mine.”

Twilight nodded and pulled her hand back. “That’s fine. With your permission, I’d like to examine you, this being first contact and all.”

I raised an eyebrow. “First contact? What do you mean, ‘first contact’?”

“Well, it’s just that we’ve never seen a creature like you before and I’d like to get some data on your species.”

I felt a cold hand grip my heart. That didn’t give me much hope for going home anytime soon.

I swallowed hard, being in the weaker position. “Well, examine away.”

Twilight grinned manically as she entered my personal bubble and grabbed my head, twisting it this way and that. “Well, the neck seems to have standard mobility.”

Twilight then grabbed my jaw and pried it open, poking at each of my teeth. “The dental composition of the mouth seems to suggest a carnivorous or omnivorous diet. Would that be correct, Roger?”

I nodded, her fingers still in my mouth.

“That’s nice,” Twilight said with a grin. She removed her hand from my mouth and gripped my hand, bending each of the fingers in turn.

“It seems odd that your species would develop hands,” Twilight mused as she felt the lack of muscles in my arm. “Then again, I suppose hands are the mark of an intelligent species.”

“I suppose—”

I grunted from being poked in the stomach. Twilight was getting rather touchy.

“Definitely not an apex physical specimen, if equine physiology is any marker to go by.”

“Hey, I can bench press, like, a hundred pounds!”

Cloudchaser laughed. “Really? I can bench three-hundred with my wings!”

“Well, you’ll have to excuse my lack of wings.” I glared at Cloudchaser. “I’m sure I could bench press that much with my wings if I had them.”

“Actually,” Twilight said as she stepped away, “judging by your physical make-up, you probably couldn’t. Cloudchaser here has been accepted into the Wonderbolts and, honestly, you seem barely capable of weather management… or any physical activity, really.” Twilight looked me up and down. “What do you do all day?”

“I… uh…” I trailed off, unsure of what to say. I eventually decided honesty was the best policy. “I fix computers.”

Twilight beamed. “That’s great! You see, I have a computer in the basement where I used to live. Could you take a look at it for me tomorrow?”

“... What do you mean tomorrow? I kind of want to go home.”

Twilight looked down and rubbed her chin. “Well, hmmm… that’s a bit of an issue.”

“Why?” I raised an eyebrow.

“Because I don’t know where you live.”

“Well, give me a map, I’m sure I can find it!”

Twilight shook her head. “Look, Roger, it’s late. Just get some rest, and we can go over some maps tomorrow. That sound good?”

“That sounds… acceptable,” I replied. “Where will I stay, though?”

“If it’s just for the night, I can put you up,” Cloudchaser said.

I nodded at Cloudchaser. “Thanks. That’s very gracious of you.”

Cloudchaser smiled. “No probs. I’d expect you’d do the same for me if I woke up wherever they’d come up with a weird name like Roger.”

“I’ll have you know Roger is a perfectly acceptable name where I come from.”

Twilight grinned. “Well, now that that’s taken care of, I have some sleeping that needs attending to,” she said as she rubbed her eyes. “Good night, then.”

With that, Twilight exited the house and closed the door behind her.

Cloudchaser looked at me, then headed off down the hallway. She returned a moment later with a comforter and pillow and threw them on the couch. “Well, it’s not a bed, but it’s the best I got.”

I moved to the couch. “This should do fine for now. Thank you.”

Cloudchaser stretched her arms and wings. “Well, if we’re done talking, I’m a bit tired, too. Night.”

“Night.”

Cloudchaser presumably went to her room, leaving me alone with my thoughts. Like where on Earth was there a colony of humanoid equines with names that sounded like they all had hippies as parents and why they all seemed to have wings. That purple one, Twilight Sparkle, had a horn, too.

Whatever. It was too much to think about and I was tired. Maybe tomorrow I can go over some maps and figure out a way home.

I awoke to gentle prodding. It appeared that these equines had no sense of personal space.

The laborious process of opening my eyes revealed what I thought to be Cloudchaser at first until I saw the turquoise hair extending down past her shoulders and nowhere above her head. She was wearing a bathrobe and a quizzical expression as she continued to prod me.

I looked up at her. “Why are you poking me?”

She squeaked and pulled her hand back. “Holy shit, it talks!”

“Of course I talk.” I sat up and looked her in the eye. “And what’s your name? Moondancer?”

She snarled at me. “No, it’s Flitter,” she said as she flexed her wings slightly.

I quickly disengaged eye contact, not wanting to offend her any further. “Sorry. I’m not much of a morning person.” I looked around the room, trying to think of a topic of conversation. “So, I, uh, met your roommate last night.”

Flitter snorted. “Oh, you mean my sister? What’d she do, bring you home and fuck you?”

“That sounds more like something you would do, Flitter,” Cloudchaser’s voice called out from behind me. I turned my head to witness her hunched over a bit and rubbing the sleep out of her eye.

“Hey! I’m a liberated mare and am allowed to do what I want with my body!” Flitter shot back.

Cloudchaser shrugged. “A slut by any other name is just as loose.”

I turned to face Flitter, who turned her head away and crossed her arms.

“So, how’d you sleep last night, Roger?” Cloudchaser asked.

“What the fuck kind of name is Roger?” Flitter scoffed.

I gritted my teeth and faced Cloudchaser again. “I slept well, thank you. Yourself?”

“Eh, alright. Why don’t you come into the kitchen? I’ll make breakfast for the three of us because you’re a guest and Flitter can’t cook for shit.”

“I can cook great, thank you very much!” Flitter said.

“Yeah, like when you set the stove on fire last week and I had to pull in a cloud to put it out,” Cloudchaser said, punctuating her sentence with a giggle-snort.

“Wh-whatever,” Flitter said as she walked past Cloudchaser down the hallway.

That… seemed to be an odd turn of phrase. Pull in a cloud? I seemed to recall hearing something about weather management last—

“Roger.”

I looked at Cloudchaser. “Yes?”

She pointed with a thumb down the hallway. “You coming or not?”

“Yeah, sure.” I quickly stood up and followed Cloudchaser down the hallway into a small kitchen that had all of the normal accoutrements that one would expect from a kitchen. Flitter was eyeing me at she sat at the table, where I took a seat.

Cloudchaser opened the refrigerator. “So, you eat eggs?”

“Yeah, I eat eggs.”

“Good, ‘cause that’s what we got,” she said as she pulled out a carton of eggs and put them on the counter. “How do you like them?”

“Scrambled is fine.”

“I want my eggs poached,” Flitter said.

Cloudchaser groaned. “It’s eight in the morning. I’m not fucking poaching your eggs!”

“Some sister you are.”

“Shut up! I’ll make yours sunny side up, okay?”

Flitter smiled. “That sounds great.”

Cloudchaser cracked a few eggs into a bowl. “Don’t know why you couldn’t just have them scrambled like the rest of us.”

Flitter seemed to ignore her sister as she fixed her gaze on me, appearing to examine my features.

“Your face looks weird,” she said.

“Well, you’re not exactly the model of attractiveness on my end,” I replied.

Flitter recoiled. “How rude of you! I’ll have you know I’m one of the prettiest mares in town!”

“Well, while that may be true, you’re not attractive to me.”

“Whatever. You just don’t know true beauty when you see it.”

“Flitter, he’s a different fucking species than us.” Cloudchaser put the scrambled eggs on a plate, grabbed a fork, and setthe plate and the fork in front of me. “Here ya go.”

I nodded at Cloudchaser. “Thank you.”

“No probs,” Cloudchaser said with a smile.

“Where are my eggs?” Flitter whined.

Cloudchaser groaned. “They’re fucking coming! Celestia, you’re such a bitch in the morning.”

So Celestia, whatever that is, is a deity among these beings. Best I file that away for the future.

After a few minutes of Flitter staring at me uncomfortably while I ate my eggs, Cloudchaser came back and slammed a plate in front of Flitter. She then took a seat at the table with her own plate of scrambled eggs.

Flitter smiled as she picked up her fork. “Thanks, Cloudy!”

“Whatever,” Cloudchaser said between mouthfuls of eggs.

A moment of silence pervaded the air as we all ate our eggs in peace, Flitter still sneaking peeks at me. I did my best to ignore her. Maybe changing the subject would help.

“So, what do you call yourselves?” I asked.

“What do you mean?” Cloudchaser replied with food still in her mouth.

“Like, what species are you?”

Cloudchaser snorted. “Man, you really aren’t from around here, are you? We’re ponies.”

I nodded as I finished my eggs. “Alright, sounds reasonable. So, uh, what do I do with the plate?”

“Just throw it in the sink. Flitter’ll wash it.”

Flitter glared at Cloudchaser. “Why the fuck do I have to wash this asshole’s plate?”

“Because you’re washing all of our fucking plates. One of us cooks, the other cleans, remember?”

“Oh, right,” Flitter said, blushing.

Cloudchaser finished off her eggs, grabbed both of our plates, stepped away from the table, and put them in the sink. She then looked at me. “Hey, Roger, I’m going to put on some better clothes so we can go to Twilight’s castle and see what she needs your help with. Sound cool?”

I blinked. “Did you say castle?”

“Yeah, you dumb shit, she did,” Flitter said as she chewed. “It’s like you’ve lived under a rock your entire life or something.”

Cloudchaser glared at Flitter. “Don’t fucking mouth off to our guest.”

“I’ll mouth off to whomever the fuck I want.” Flitter flipped Cloudchaser off. “Plus, he smells bad.”

Cloudchaser grunted, clenched a fist, and flexed her wings a bit. “I’m asking nicely. Please be polite to our guest.”

Flitter grunted in return. “Fine.”

Cloudchaser smiled weakly. “That’s good to hear. Now I have to get dressed,” she said before she walked out of the kitchen.

Flitter finished her eggs and started at me. “You do smell bad.”

I lifted up my arm and smelled my armpit. I was unable to smell anything because I finally noticed the stench of farm animal that infected the atmosphere.

“You know, you don’t smell so good to me either.”

Flitter laughed. “I’m sure you weren’t saying that after you fucked my sister.”

“What?” I glared at Flitter.

“You heard me,” Flitter said with a wicked smile on her face. “That’s why you were in the house, wasn’t it? Cloudchaser just had to get some of that strange and—”

“We didn’t have sex.”

She snorted. “What? You just appeared in our house in the middle of the night?”

“... More or less.”

“Bull. Shit.”

I shook my head. “Look, I don’t even find ponies attractive.”

“I’d believe that if I didn’t notice you burning holes in her ass with your eyes.” Flitter smirked.

I felt my face heat up furiously. It appeared that my biological programming had betrayed me.

Flitter leaned over the table. “Admit it. You find Cloudchaser hot.”

“... Not really.”

“Then why were you ogling her like a piece of meat?”

I looked up as I searched my brain for the correct way to word this. “Because… Um… Her butt shares… certain similarities with the females of my species... that… make its shape visually appealing.”

“So you like my butt.”

I turned around to see Cloudchaser smirking at me, her arms crossed, wearing a mauve tank top and camouflage cargo pants.

“You heard that?”

Cloudchaser snickered. “Yeah, at the end.” She stretched her arms and yawned. “Honestly, I’d be more worried if you didn’t like my butt. I put a lot of effort into keeping my body in tip-top shape.”

I nodded, my face still burning. “Then… could you tell your sister that we didn’t have sex?”

“What?” Cloudchaser facepalmed. “We didn’t fuck, Flitter.”

Flitter leaned back and crossed her arms, her ears twitching. “Fine. I believe you.”

Cloudchaser slid her hand down her face and groaned. “Seriously, Flitter, not everyone’s you.”

“Well, they should be.”

“Whatever, I’m not getting into this with you.” Cloudchaser looked at me. “You ready to go to the castle?”

I stood up. “Sure, whenever you are.”

Cloudchaser grinned. “Alright, let’s head out!”

Twilight's Castle

The weather outside was rather pleasant—a wonderful coincidence because I wasn’t exactly dressed for it to be anything other than it was. It was also a quiet morning, being rather early, and presumably a weekend. Presuming that these ponies had weekends at all. Well, if they did have weekends, I’m guessing that they would look like this.

All I heard was birdsong and the sound of us walking, me with my shoes and Cloudchaser with her hooves clopping against the cobblestone road, tail swishing behind her. I looked around as we walked, taking in what seemed to be a quaint little hamlet with nice little houses.

One of the doors of those houses opened, revealing another pony with a brown coat of hair on his body and a darker shade of brown hair on his head wearing a green bathrobe. He took a deep breath with his eyes closed, then opened them and locked his gaze on me. I looked back and waved, whereupon he went inside and slammed the door.

“I appear to have offended him,” I said to Cloudchaser.

Cloudchaser shrugged. “You do look really weird.”

“Speaking of weird,” I began, attempting to change the subject, “you and your sister seem to have a rather inflammatory relationship.”

“Heh. Nah, we’re cool. I think she was just especially bitchy today after finding you on the couch.”

I raised an eyebrow. “I wasn’t aware that I would spark such feelings.”

“Well, you see,” Cloudchaser said as she put her hands behind her head, ”Ponyville isn’t exactly welcoming of non-pony outsiders.”

“Uh huh.”

“Yeah. You’ll notice I almost flipped out on you at first, too.”

“Yeah, I did. Thanks, by the way.”

Cloudchaser snorted. “Well, I figured that you couldn’t really be bad if you asked to take a leak. I would think most killers or burglars wouldn’t ask to use the bathroom.”

“I suppose not,” I said, looking down.

“And Flitter didn’t see you until she woke up this morning.” Cloudchaser put her arms to the side. “I’m surprised she didn’t freak out when she saw you.”

“She did poke me.”

Cloudchaser chuckled. “Like I said, you’re lucky that’s all she did. So you sleeping on our couch might’ve skeeved her out a bit.”

“Hmmm.” I blinked and turned to face Cloudchaser. “I meant to ask earlier… That pony we saw didn’t appear to have wings.”

“Why would he have wings? He’s an earth pony.”

“I thought all ponies had wings.”

“Why would you think that?”

We passed by a fountain at this point, the sunlight dancing in the running water.

“Well, all the ponies I’ve met so far have had wings. You understand where I’m coming from.”

She shrugged. “I guess. But only pegasi and alicorns have wings, and Twilight’s the only alicorn in this area.”

“Alicorn?”

“Unicorn with wings.”

I nodded. “That would explain the horn, then.”

Cloudchaser turned to face me. “I thought you didn’t know what we were.”

“I know what a unicorn is.”

The two of us came up to a dirt path that had a large crystalline castle at the end of it. “How would you know what a unicorn is?”

“I read about it in a book.”

Cloudchaser raised an eyebrow. “But you didn’t even know we were ponies. How could you know what a unicorn is?”

“See, now you’re assuming that only a pony can be a unicorn.”

“...Yeah. That’s how it works. Only ponies can be unicorns. What else do you think could be a unicorn, a Diamond Dog?”

I snapped my head towards her. “Did you just… nevermind.”

“See? I told you it sounds silly.” Cloudchaser snickered. “Non-pony unicorns… What’ll you think of next?”

“Nevermind. Forget I brought it up.”

Cloudchaser pursed her lips. “You know, you’re awfully non-confrontational.”

I grinned weakly. “I find it to be a valid coping mechanism.”

“And you speak like you’re reading out of a script sometimes,” she said, crossing her arms. “You should cut that out.”

“What? The non-confrontational tendencies or my seemingly constructed speech patterns?”

“Both.” Cloudchaser shuddered. “They kind of creep me out, to be honest.”

“I… I don’t know whether to take your advice to speak less eloquently or your advice to be more confrontational first.”

We came to the two large double doors that presumably marked the entrance to the castle. It was kind of gaudy, but all things considered, it was an impressive castle.

“Eh, I’m sure you’ll figure it out,” she said with a shrug, before she kicked the door. The door shuddered in response.

A few minutes of awkward silence passed before the door opened inward, revealing a bipedal purple lizard with a green sail adorning its head. It smiled and waved at Cloudchaser, who returned the gesture.

“Hey, Cloudchaser,” it said. I believed it to be male.

“Hey, Spike,” Cloudchaser replied. “Could you take us to Twilight? She’s been expecting him,” she said as she pointed a thumb at me.

Spike nodded. “Sure! Follow me,”

Cloudchaser followed after him. I followed as well, closing the door behind me.

Cloudchaser and I followed Spike through the castle. I leaned into Cloudchaser. “Why doesn’t he… look like you?”

“Why would he? He’s a dragon, not a pony.”

That made me frown. I was definitely a long way from home.

Eventually the dragon led us to a room with a lot of scientific-looking equipment and the same purple pony from last night, her hair in disarray. It seemed like she hadn’t slept since then.

“Twi?” Spike asked.

Twilight turned to face us, her eyes bloodshot and a manic energy possessing her features. Her pupils seemed to be dilated as well.

Definitely didn’t sleep last night.

“Oh, hi, Spike. I see Roger’s here, as well as Cloudchaser. An unexpected yet pleasant surprise.” A ceramic mug seemed to float of its own volition into Spike’s waiting claws.

I raised an eyebrow at the cheap parlor trick. I don’t know who she was trying to impress.

“Well, I had today off, and I figured he didn’t know his way around town, so I showed him the way.”

“Spike, could you get me more coffee?”

“Are you sure—”

“More coffee, Spike.”

Spike nodded and walked out of the room.

“Well, that was nice of you, Cloudchaser. You two seem to be getting along rather well,” Twilight said.

Cloudchaser shrugged. “Eh, he doesn’t really seem to be here to cause trouble.”

“Yeah, I’m not,” I said. “You said you had a computer that needed looking at?”

“Right, the computer,” Twilight said. “I was wondering if I could do more tests on you first. You see, I’ve been looking over my equine anatomy texts and I find it odd that our bodies share structural similarities.”

I felt my legs give out from under me as I was planted into a chair.

“And since you were so kind as to give me permission to examine you last night,” Twilight continued, “I would assume the same consideration would extend into today.”

“I, um—”

“Great!” Twilight walked over to me. “Now, to get these hoof covers off.” I felt tugging at my feet.

“What are you doing?”

Twilight looked at my shoes, then knelt down, unfastened the velcro on my sneakers, and slid the shoe off of my foot. Twilight looked at my sock-clad foot and blushed. “Oh, you’re wearing socks…”

Cloudchaser blushed as well. “Seriously? I didn’t know you were into that kind of stuff...”

I raised an eyebrow. “What? You always wear socks under shoes.”

Twilight giggled nervously. “We’ll, ah, chalk that up to cultural differences, shall we?” She grabbed the sock and pulled it off my foot.

Twilight’s eyes bugged out.“What’s… what’s that?”

“What? My foot?”

Twilight nodded as she dropped to her knees and grabbed my heel. “This… this is fascinating.”

“My foot?”

“Yes. It appears that your entire foot structure is contained in this small space as opposed to the equine foot where the ankle and heel are constantly off of the ground.” Twilight manipulated my ankle. “The entire foot structure is designed to remain in contact with the ground at all times. Also,” she continued as she bent my big toe, “it seems that your feet are rather… unprotected, explaining the requirement for an article of clothing to encase the, erm, foot.”

Twilight picked up my shoe, placed it under her muzzle, and took a sniff, recoiling at the smell. “I hate to put it like this, but your body odor is quite offensive.”

I chuckled weakly. “That’s what happens when you sniff a shoe.”

Twilight shook her head as she stood up. “No, not just that.” She leaned over and sniffed my neck, recoiling again. “Everything about your scent is mildly repulsive on a base level.”

“Really?” I asked, looking at Cloudchaser. “Why didn’t you say anything? I could have taken a shower or something.”

Cloudchaser shrugged. “It seemed rude to tell you that you smelled bad. I’m not my sister, after all.”

“That probably wouldn’t help.” Twilight shook her head and walked back to the table. “It’s not just that you haven’t showered. Your scent is uniquely repelling. I bet we smell just as offensive to you.”

I scratched the back of my head. “... This entire town does smell like the inside of a barn.”

“Exactly. Although due to our probable genetic incompatibilities, you could fornicate with whomever you want without risk of pregnancy.”

“What makes you think I’d want to have sex with a pony?”

“Dude,” Cloudchaser replied, “you were staring at her rack the entire time.”

I looked back at Cloudchaser. “... Really? I didn’t notice.” I grinned, my face heating up yet again.

“Of course you didn’t. You’re male.” Twilight jotted down something on a piece of paper. “And I’m not holding it against you. Just letting you know that you do find something about us appealing.”

I grabbed my sock and slid it back on, Cloudchaser looking away while blushing.

“Look. Your bodies share certain attractive features with the females of my species. I won’t deny that,” I said as I slid my shoe on. “But just the fact that you have those hooves, not to mention muzzles, is enough to turn me off. Not to mention the smell. The smell is a deal breaker right there.”

Twilight hummed. “Fair enough.”

Spike walked back in holding a tray with three steaming mugs. “Hey, I made three cups of coffee in case you two wanted some.”

Twilight turned to face Spike. “That was incredibly kind of you!” One of the mugs floated in front of Twilight’s face and tipped itself into her mouth.

“Alright, how are you doing that?” I asked.

“Doing what?”

I stood up and shook my head. “Do you have wires attached to it or something?”

“... Attached to what?” Cloudchaser asked.

“The mug! It’s weirding me out that I can’t figure out how you’re moving it.”

Spike walked over to Cloudchaser and gave a mug to her. He then faced me. “Isn’t it obvious?”

I shook my head.

Cloudchaser took a sip of the coffee and looked at me. “... You honestly don’t see her magical aura surrounding the mug?”

I squeezed my eyes shut, then opened them. “Magical what?”

Twilight stared at me as well. “The aura that my horn creates when I use magic.”

“And I thought you knew what a unicorn was,” Cloudchaser said, taking another sip of her coffee.

Twilight’s mug set itself down on the table. “Hmm.” She focused her gaze on me. I stared back at her.

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Did you feel that?”

“... Feel what?” I asked.

“I see.” Twilight looked at Cloudchaser. “He doesn’t have magic nerves.”

Cloudchaser choked on her coffee, hacking profusely. After a few moments, she took a few deep breaths and collected herself. “What?”

“No magic.” Twilight looked at me. I felt a force grip my hand and move it up. “That last spell should have disabled your magic… but you have no magic to disable. Now,” she said as my hand jerked forward, forcing me to walk, “this doesn’t mean he’s immune to magic, as I’m clearly demonstrating. It just means that he has no internal magic of his own to draw upon.”

I jerked my hand back, breaking the ethereal grip. “Alright. This has officially taken a trip into crazy-town. Just get me a map so I can find my way home.”

Twilight smiled and nodded. “Certainly, Roger.” She waved her arm at the table. Here’s a map. As you can see, I’ve been trying to figure out where such a creature as yourself would come from. It’d be far easier if you could point it out, though.”

“Thank you.” I nodded, walked to the table, and grabbed the most map-looking thing I could find, feeling the rough grain of the paper beneath my fingertips.

I scanned it, gravely unsettled by what I saw. It appeared to be a serviceable facsimile of the United States and Canada, but… everything was off.

Where New York should be was a city called Manehattan—likewise for Baltimore, which was replaced by Baltimare. There was even a city smack-dab in the middle of the map with no known equivalent called Canterlot.

I might be in trouble.

I must have been staring at the map for some time because I felt a hand touch my shoulder.

“You having trouble with the map?” I heard Cloudchaser ask behind me.

“Maybe he doesn’t know how to read,” Twilight offered.

“Of course I can read,” I replied, “it’s just… everything is wrong.”

I gently laid the map down. “Everything is so similar, yet… different.” I trudged back to the chair and sat down.

Twilight hummed. “I think this would be the part where you tell me how you got here, then.”

“Yeah, how exactly did you end up in my house?” Cloudchaser asked.

“Well, I was in my apartment, and I opened the bathroom door… but when I closed it behind me, there I was in your house.”

Cloudchaser raised an eyebrow and glanced at Twilight, who yawned and furrowed her brow.

“So,” Twilight said, leaning on the table, “you’re saying you just randomly ended up in Cloudchaser’s house?”

I shrugged. “Yeah, pretty much.”

“And you didn’t think anything was weird until just now?” Cloudchaser asked.

“No.” I shook my head. “I figured maybe I was dreaming or something, but the sensory information just doesn’t add up. The taste of hay, the sounds of birdsong walking over here, the feel of the map in my hands, the smell... oh God, the smell!” I chuckled weakly. “I guess I’m not in Kansas anymore.”

“What’s Kansas?” both ponies asked simultaneously.

I snorted. “Exactly.”

I heard slow clapping emerge from behind me. Both mares looked past me, Twilight’s lips pursed and Cloudchaser’s lips snarled as she clenched her fists and twitched her wings.

Turning around, I shot out of my chair and laid eyes upon the most horrid creature I’d ever seen.

It appeared to be part lion, part eagle, part goat, part… everything, really. It was about two heads taller than Cloudchaser and I, a wicked grin curving across its face. It clasped his paw and talon together.

“My, my, Roger Schwartz, it certainly took you long enough,” it said with a wizened, sinister voice. “It was quite interesting watching you come to the realization of just how far away from your apartment in Delaware you actually are.”

“Stuff it, Discord,” Cloudchaser spat as she unfurled her wings their entire length, “and return him to where he belongs.”

Discord chortled. “And what makes you think he doesn’t belong here?”

I laid my eyes on who was presumably the reason for my presence in this strange world, and I took in what was also presumably his name, which probably boded ill for me.

Discord.

Enter Discord

“And what makes you think this is my fault?”

Discord put his arms behind his back and paced towards Cloudchaser, who trembled at the sight of him.

“Because you’re always responsible when weird shit happens!” Cloudchaser shot back, recoiling when Discord reached her. He examined her up and down, finally grabbing her jaw and studying her face.

“You look familiar… Have I seen you somewhere before?” Discord asked, turning her head this way and that. “I feel like I’ve seen that hairstyle somewhere…”

Cloudchaser smacked his talon away, drawing a smile from his face. “Yeah, when you lured us in to get our magic drained by Tirek!”

“Ah, yes…” Discord backed away. “I remember you. So young and reckless.”

Cloudchaser spat in Discord’s face, the glob hitting its target and trailing down into his beard. “I’ll never forgive you for that!”

“That’s a shame.” Discord clicked his tongue as he wiped the saliva off of his face with a paw. “Because your fearless leader has already done so.”

“And I’ll never understand why!”

“Cloudchaser,” Twilight cut in, “I forgave Discord because he’s my friend. Sometimes friends make mistakes.”

Cloudchaser retracted her wings, stomped over to Twilight, and grabbed her by the shirt collar. “You call betraying all of Equestria a ‘mistake’?”

Cloudchaser’s hand was removed from Twilight’s collar. “Look, I appreciate spirited debate as much as the next pony, but I won’t have any roughhousing going on around here,” Twilight said, narrowing her gaze. “We’re all adults here, right?”

Cloudchaser snorted and crossed her arms. “Right.” She glared at Discord. “And you?”

I looked at Discord, who appeared to be playing with a cup-and-ball. “Ponyfeathers, I can never seem to get the ball in the—” He looked up at Cloudchaser. He blushed and put the paw holding the cup-and-ball behind him. “Oh, right. Adults.”

“So,” Twilight said, “now that that’s behind us, could you tell us why you brought Roger to Equestria, Discord?”

Discord crossed his arms, the cup-and-ball disappearing, and snorted. “Like I said, what makes you think this is my fault?”

Twilight giggled. “Because you’re really the only being with enough power to create such… metaphysical inconsistencies.”

“Please. Just because I’m the resident reality warper doesn’t mean reality doesn’t just warp itself every now and then.” Discord approached me and rubbed my collar between his talons. “That’s a very nice shirt you’re wearing… Silk, is it?”

I nodded dumbly.

“Well, it seems you have better taste in shirts than you do in shoes.”

“The shirt was a gift from my mother,” I replied.

Discord smiled as he let go of my collar. “Well, remember to thank your mother—oh, right, you can’t.”

I hung my head.

“See?” Discord waved his talon at me. “Why would I want to inflict that level of existential discomfort on someone?” he said to Cloudchaser. “What do I look like, a monster?”

“Could’ve fooled me,” Cloudchaser said with a huff as she crossed her arms again.

“Please,” Discord replied, “you’re just uppity about the Tirek thing—”

“—Of course I’m pissed about having my magic drained!” Cloudchaser screamed, her arms at her sides and her chest heaving in and out. “I lost who I was! We all lost who we were because of you!” Cloudchaser pointed at Discord.

Discord snickered. “But everything is right as rain because Twilight and I realized that we were friends. Isn’t that right, Prin-cess Twi-light?”

Twilight took a deep breath. “... He’s right. I didn’t realize what I had until I thought I had lost it. And when Tirek didn’t return him immediately, I thought Tirek was going to kill him. I couldn’t let my friend die because of one mistake, no matter how grievous.”

“So,” I said, “I’m completely lost right now. Can Discord send me back home or no?”

“I’m not sure,” Twilight said.

“No,” Discord said.

“Probably,” Cloudchaser said. “But he’s being a prick right now, so he won’t.”

Discord tapped his chin with a talon. “I’m sensing some tension between you and I, Cloudchaser.”

Cloudchaser flipped Discord off, then looked at me. “I’d bet my bottom bit that Discord has something to do with you randomly ending up here.”

“You overestimate my cruelty if you think I’d cause that level of teleological distress on a sapient being after experiencing it myself.”

Cloudchaser raised an eyebrow. “What?”

“Huh?” I didn’t understand what he was saying, either.

“I think what Discord’s trying to say is that Roger has no purpose here,” Twilight replied. “While earth ponies harvest the land, pegasi control the weather, and unicorns have appointed themselves the guardians of esoteric knowledge, Roger doesn’t fit into the natural order of things. He doesn’t belong here.”

“Which is why Discord should send him back where he came from,” Cloudchaser growled.

Discord chuckled. “You’re assuming I’m capable of such a feat.”

“You are.”

“Are not.”

“Are too.”

“Are not.

“Are too—”

“Stop!” Twilight stepped in between Cloudchaser and Discord, waving her arms. “The two of you sound like foals right now!” Twilight turned to Cloudchaser. “If Discord says he can’t do it, he can’t do it. Can you at least trust him on that?”

Cloudchaser crossed her arms and looked away. “Sure. Whatever.”

I slowly sat back down in the chair, taking in what had transpired. Yes, I was somewhere that wasn’t Earth—and, yes, I didn’t belong here. But the weird creature who claims he didn’t bring me here, despite debatably having the power to bring me here, thought I might have a reason to be here.

Something struck me.

“Discord?”

“Yes?” Discord asked, sipping on a cup of coffee. He looked at Spike. “I usually take mine with cream and two sugars, but this’ll do nicely.”

Spike looked at the cup in Discord’s paw, then back at the tray, noticing it was empty. “Huh.”

I cleared my throat. “How do you know my name?”

“What do you mean?” Discord asked.

Cloudchaser steeled her gaze at Discord. “Were you fucking spying on us?”

“Discord, friends don’t spy on each other,” Twilight said.

I shook my head. “No, it’s not just that. He knows where I live. I haven’t mentioned that since I’ve gotten here.”

“Quite the perceptive one, aren’t you?” Discord let go of the cup, which then floated where he left it. “Well, you see, I noticed your appearance in my domain as soon as you entered,” he said as he walked towards me, “so I decided to take a peek inside the ol’ noggin.”

“You what?” Twilight shouted.

“Let me finish, Princess,” Discord said. “So, I took a peek inside of his skull and figured out his essentials—age, place of residence… you know. But I also implanted a bit of a neural suggestion.”

Twilight leapt up and expanded her wings. “Discord, you know mind magic is strictly forbidden!”

“Told you he was up to no good.” Cloudchaser looked at Twilight, then back at Discord as she unfurled her wings.

“Let me finish,” Discord said with a huff. He then ruffled my hair with his paw. “I simply made him more… accepting of the realities of our world, is all.” Discord looked at Twilight. “Did you know that his world has only one sapient species?”

Twilight’s glare softened. “No, but—”

“Or that he’s a predator on his world?”

“Excuse me, but I am not a predator,” I interjected, stiffening my posture.

Discord facetaloned. “Not like that, you pervert! An apex predator!”

“Oh,” I said, slumping back into the chair. “I suppose, although I don’t really hunt.”

Cloudchaser snorted. “Please. Twilight already figured out that he might eat meat.”

“I do eat meat and I enjoy every second of it,” I said.

Twilight cringed. “Whatever. He seems like a perfectly reasonable pony.”

Discord turned to Twilight, a mad spark in his eye. “Don’t you find that strange in and of itself? That he would be ripped from his home and end up in a world full of an alien species and just be mildly curious?”

“Well, that’s not—”

“Think about it, Twilight!” He then looked at Cloudchaser, who snorted. “Or better yet, Cloudchaser,” he added, a wicked grin slashing itself across his face.

“What?” Cloudchaser asked.

“How do you think you would react if the situation were reversed? If you ended up in a world full of creatures like him? In a world without magic? No pegasi or unicorns, where the weather did whatever it pleased?”

“I’ve been meaning to ask about that, actually—”

“Not now, Roger, I’m on a roll. How do you think you would react if the situation were reversed, Cloudchaser?”

Cloudchaser looked down and to the right. “Um…”

“I’d bet my bottom bit that you’d freak out,” Discord said with a smirk.

“Alright, Discord, you’ve made your point.” Twilight retracted her wings. “I just want to test that hypothesis. Could you please remove whatever suggestions you’ve implanted into Roger’s brain?”

Discord raised an eyebrow. “Well, you’d have to ask his permission first.”

“You just—” Cloudchaser facepalmed “—you just fucked with his head without permission!”

“I object to your unfounded accusation.” Discord smirked. “I did it last night.”

Cloudchaser screamed a whine. “Damn you!”

Twilight held out a hand. “Whatever, Cloudchaser, what’s done is done.” She then looked at me. “Roger, is it alright if Discord removes the mental suggestion?”

I stood up and shrugged. “Sure, why not?”

Discord giggled. “Oh, this should be rich,” he said, snapping his talon.

Everything went black.

I awoke looking at the ceiling, Twilight looking over me and the sound of retching nearby. I sat up and looked to see Cloudchaser on her hands and knees, a puddle of vomit underneath her muzzle. I then looked at Discord, who was smirking.

“What happened and why are my pants wet?”

Twilight sucked air through her teeth. “Well, Discord removed the mental suggestion. You then looked around, let out a violent scream, wet your pants, and passed out. The scent of your urine made Cloudchaser vomit.” She then turned to Discord. “Am I missing anything, Discord?”

Discord chuckled. “No, that about covers it.” He grabbed the cup of coffee and took a sip.

“Well, I guess some suggestions are better than others,” Spike offered.

Discord nodded as he took another sip of his coffee. “Indeed.”

“Okay...” Cloudchaser wiped the vomit trail from her muzzle and stood up. “You’ve made your point. Now remove the piss from his pants because it smells horrible!”

“You overestimate my powers once again, Cloudchaser,” Discord said.

Cloudchaser retched. “So we have to deal with that disgusting stench?” she asked. “No offense, Roger, but your piss smells horrible.”

“Trust me, I don’t enjoy having piss-soaked pants either.”

“Doesn’t one of your friends specialize in making clothing, Twilight?” Discord asked as he finished off the coffee, the cup disappearing when he snapped his talon.

“Discord, where’s the—”

“It’s in the sink.”

Twilight nodded. “But couldn’t we just wash his pants?”

Discord inhaled sharply. “And curse him to wearing the same thing day in and day out when you all get to wear different styles as the mood suits you?” He shook his head. “Oh, no, I’m afraid that won’t do at all. Think of the social hit he’ll take for wearing the same clothing every day on top of looking like he does.” He waved his paw at me. “Do you really want to do that to the poor soul?”

“... How long do you think I’ll be here?” I asked.

Discord grinned. “Remember what I was saying about purpose before?”

I nodded.

“Good, at least you can listen. Well, for whatever reason, reality decided to spit you out here. That must mean there’s a reason for you to be in this world, because you don’t just get spat out in random places without a purpose.”

I blinked. “Maybe it’s to fix Twilight’s computer.”

Discord raised an eyebrow. “Do you know anything about vacuum tubes?”

“What?”

“I thought not. Besides, Twilight already has a repairpony on call for these sorts of things.” Discord shook his head. “No, there must be something uniquely about you being you that makes you special. Whether it’s the feet, the lack of muzzle, or the inability to do magic, I can’t say for certain.” He rubbed his chin and hummed. “But I’m almost positive that once you do whatever you were sent here to do, reality will figure out a way to send you back home.”

Cloudchaser gritted her teeth. “You seem to know an awful lot about something you weren’t involved in.”

Discord chuckled. “Merely conjecture, my dear pegasus—”

“I’m not your dear anything.”

“It’s just a turn of phrase, no need to get uppity.” Discord turned to Twilight. “Now, don’t you have a friend who specializes in stitching together fabrics of all kinds?”

Twilight blinked. “You mean Rarity?”

Discord narrowed his gaze. “No, your other friend who owns a clothing business.”

Twilight looked down. “But I don’t have—oh!” She giggled. “You were being facetious.” She walked over to the table and scribbled something down on a piece of paper, then handed it to me. “This should explain the situation to Rarity.”

“But… I don’t have any money.”

Twilight smiled. “That’s fine. I’m sure Rarity could find something for you to do to make up the cost.”

I shrugged. “As long as it isn’t anything weird, I guess…”

“Hey!” Spike glared at me. “Rarity isn’t like that!”

“Calm down, Spike.” Twilight waved a hand at Spike. “I’m sure he was just talking theoretically.” She hummed. “That does bring up something else, though.”

I looked at Twilight. “What?”

“Well, you don’t really know anything about how Equestria works. You’ll be completely lost navigating it without some kind of help. And with that,” Twilight said, glancing at Cloudchaser, “I assign you, Cloudchaser, to be Roger’s friendship liaison!”

Cloudchaser flicked an ear and blinked. “What?”

Twilight clasped her hands together. “Friendship liaison! It’s a position I just made up myself where you’ll aid someone—Roger, in this case—in interacting with Ponyville and its natives without causing too much of a stir.”

Cloudchaser looked down and hummed. “Alright, I guess I could do that… But what about when I’m training with the Wonderbolts?”

“Hmmm.” Twilight rubbed her chin, then her eyes popped open. “Then your sister Flitter could help him.”

“Uh huh.” Cloudchaser crossed her arms. “But Flitter hates Roger.”

I raised a finger. “I wouldn’t say—”

“She hates you, Roger.”

“Oh.”

Twilight gave a toothy grin. “Then she’ll just have to get over herself in the name of friendship!”

Discord snickered. “Nice to see you acclimating into your new position so smoothly. Twilight.”

“Don’t mention it!” Twilight said with a titter.