Belle of the 7.62x51mm Ball

by Hap

Rating: teen
Tags: Human, Applejack, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Random, Adventure, Crossover
Length: 9620

As Belle settles into the Beast’s castle, she and Lumière find an ancient book that transports them into Equestria. Unfortunately, the time/space vortex pulls a lot of things into the land of candy-colored horses – some of which are not so sweet

As Princess Belle settles into her new home in the Beast's castle, she and Lumière encounter an ancient book that transports the pair into Equestria. Unfortunately, the time/space vortex pulls a lot of things into the land of candy-colored horses – some of which are not so sweet. Can Belle and her new friends – Chun-Li, Applejack, and Annie Oakley – fight off monsters from across time and space long enough for Twilight to seal the rift and send everyone home?

Published 2015-03-17 23:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-03-17 23:00:01 UTC

In which Belle mows down hordes of monsters with a minigun

Belle hefted the long chunk of metal onto the mantel above the castle’s biggest fireplace, then stepped back and set her hands on her hips, ignoring the grimy yellow silk that was hanging in tatters from the remaining hoops of her ball gown. She let her hazel eyes wander over the brutal, ugly lines of the anachronistic weapon.

It was nearly as long as she was tall, and completely unlike any of the muskets that she’d ever seen in her provincial hometown. It had six barrels that spun around each other when it fired, spewing orange lances with a roar like a dozen ravenous dragons. Although she was sure that Maurice would love to examine this machine, Belle doubted that he would be able to understand whatever magic it was that “General Electric” had imparted to this device.

She sat down and leaned back into the gigantic leather chair, kicked off her muddy boots, and propped her feet up onto the ottoman. The polished leather creaked when she reached over the arm of the chair to dig around in a saddlebag. Belle smiled as she pulled out a brown bottle labeled with nothing more than a drawing of a shiny red apple. After halfheartedly tugging on the metal cap a few times, she set the bottle in her lap and reached into the neckline of her dress, fishing around in her brassiere.

Belle pulled out a slim little pistol, and hefted it in her hand. It was much heavier than its size would imply. What had the suave Englishman called it, when he wanted it back? Walther. That was it. She tugged on the back of the gun, and the whole top half slid backward, popping out a stubby little gold-colored cylinder before zipping forward again. She did this three more times, and on the last cycle, the slide remained at the rear, leaving the barrel sticking out the front.

Belle propped the pistol’s barrel against the top of the bottle cap and hooked the front of the frame beneath the edge of the cap, then levered the gun upward. The bottle gave a sharp hiss as the cap popped off, then fell to the floor with a melodic tinkling noise. She took a long sip.

“Hmmmm.” She held the bottle at arms length and looked over the label again with an approving nod. “I can see why Rainbow Dash likes this stuff.”

—————————

Belle turned the last page. Slowly, she lifted the back cover, feeling the worn leather slide beneath her fingertips as she allowed the book, and the story, to close. Characters and plotlines swirled around her head as she rejoiced and mourned the ending of another wonderful story. The dim lamplight flared briefly, causing her to take a deep breath and blink as she pulled herself out of the fictional world she’d been living in for the last several hours.

She tossed the fluffy goose-down comforter back and sat up, settling her feet into the warm slippers that were waiting on the floor. As it turns out, no matter how opulent a castle could be, it was still cold in the middle of a winter’s night. She lifted the fur-lined robe from its hook on the wardrobe, and twirled it around her shoulders, snuggling into its warmth before lifting the lamp and stepping into the hallway.

The snow falling outside the giant window blanketed the entire castle in a silence that seemed to swallow her footsteps. Belle made her way to the library and pushed open the heavy door, leaving it ajar as she shuffled inside.

Lamplight poured into the room, catching gilded letters on the spines of a thousand books that all competed for her attention. One book in particular, though, seemed to glow a bit brighter than the others. Almost as if it didn’t need to be illuminated at all. Belle took a deep breath and tried to calm her racing heart as she told herself that it had to be some trick of the full moon shining off of the snow-covered world outside.

Still, though. Belle had never seen this book before, and she had spent the last few weeks with nothing better to do than pore through the library. She stepped closer to the shelf, lifting the lamp above her head and pushing one auburn lock of hair behind her ear. The lettering on the book’s spine didn’t seem to be any alphabet she recognized.

She reached out and pulled the book off of the shelf. As cold as the rest of the room was, this book was warm to the touch. The cover was illustrated with a stylized pair of unicorn busts, one white and the other deep blue. Instead of taking a few steps to one of the library’s several desks, Belle cradled the oil lamp in the crook of her arm and hurriedly flipped open the front cover.

It was that exact moment that Belle felt something bump into her. It was enough of a bump to throw her off balance, causing her to drop everything in her arms. She watched the oil lamp fall, leaving a smoky trail through the air. The glass reservoir shattered and sprayed heavy droplets of oil and glittering shards of crystal across the marble floor. Flame followed quickly, spreading into a rough star-shape as it lapped up the spilled fuel.

The book landed on its spine in the middle of the conflagration, falling open to a page somewhere in the middle. Still off balance and trying not to step into the burning oil, Belle spun around on one foot and twirled her arms around like windmills. Lumière, with his hair mussed and his bowtie undone, reached out to grab her hands. A similarly disheveled maid behind him let out a gasp as the pair tilted farther into the fire. As they tumbled together, they each stretched out a hand to break their fall.

But when Belle’s hand touched the book, she continued falling. She and Lumière clung to each other as they spun through a world of confusion. People and things swirled past in a blur of mist and lightning. There were men in historical or fantastic costumes, boats and wagons, machines whose function she could only guess at, and creatures she never would have imagined.

Suddenly, there was ground beneath Belle’s feet. The world was blurry, confusing. Like trying to remember a dream just after waking. Slowly, sounds began to filter in through the haze in her mind, chirping birds and rustling leaves distilling from the roar in her ears. Trees coalesced in front of her, shafts of warm sunlight punching through the dense canopy and dancing on the grass below.

A warm breeze played around her ankles, carrying distant voices and the scent of moss and cupcakes. Belle took a deep breath and licked her lips. “Lumière?”

“I am right here, ma cherie. But…”

Belle turned to see that Lumière was no longer himself. In his place, there sat an off-white quadruped with an enormous head, staring at the blunt ends of his own arms. A brilliant yellow curl sat on top of his head, with a ponytail hanging down the back of his long neck. He looked up at Belle and twitched his large, pointy ears.

“Lumière, you’re…”

He clopped his hooves together and said, “I’m an horse, I think.”

Belle hesitantly prodded at the horn sticking out of his forehead. “No, I think you’re a unicorn. But why?”

“Who cares?” Lumière shrugged. “It is better than being a candlestick, no?”

“But you’re a, sort of, pony-ish thing. Doesn’t that bother you?”

“We just came from a magical castle that used to be full of talking furniture. Why does it bother you? Magic is magic, no?”

Belle scrunched her nose and tapped her temple with one finger. “I don’t know anything about magic outside of fairy tales, but that book I was holding had unicorns on the front, so maybe it has the answer?”

Lumière pointed one hoof behind Belle. “You mean that book?”

She turned around and stared at the sickly green cloud, rising into the air and twisting about like the death throes of a world-eating serpent. At the bottom of the massive column, the book twitched and sparked as it issued the billowing smoke.

“Perhaps,” Lumière said with his ears folded back, “we should—”

KR-KRACK!

A bolt of lightning connected the cloud to the earth for an instant before arcing upward and shrinking into a narrow blue ribbon that evaporated into the air with the sharp smell of ozone. Where the lightning had struck the ground, a woman with absurdly muscular legs crouched in a combat stance, quickly scanning the forest until she made eye contact with Belle.

The woman stood up and marched directly to Belle and Lumière. She threw her hands out to her sides and said, “What the hell?” As the woman put her hands on her hips, Belle wondered how she managed to avoid stabbing herself with the massive spikes on her leather bracelets.

Lumière spoke before Belle could form a coherent sentence. “Perhaps we—”

“Aaah! What the hell? That thing talks?”

Belle stepped forward, standing protectively in front of the little stallion. “This thing is my manservant. I don’t know why he’s a” —she waved a hand toward his pastel body and enormous head— “pony… unicorn… talking horse. And I don’t know where we are, but you seem just as confused as we are. So why don’t we work together, and maybe we can all find a way home?”

The woman looked Lumière over slowly while chewing on her lip. Finally, she nodded and said, “At least he’s not dressed like a Nazi, or shooting fireballs out of his fist or something. I think we can work together.” She stuck out her right hand. “I’m Chun-Li.”

“Belle. Nice to meet you.”

Chun-Li stuck out her hand to Lumière, who held up a hoof, but neither one of them seemed sure what to do about shaking, so they both opted to bow instead. “Lumière at your service, mademoiselle.”

“So,” Chun-Li said as she turned in a circle, eyeing the trees. “Any ideas where to go from here?”

Belle pointed into the woods. “I heard voices coming from that direction, and the trees seem to thin out that way.”

Chun-Li immediately took off, striding confidently between the trees. Belle followed, and Lumière trotted along behind.

After a few minutes of walking in wary silence, except for occasional popping sounds in the distance that made Chun-Li extra cautious, another crack of lightning caused all three to look back at the green vortex. A loud droning noise drew their eyes upwards, where five tube-shaped machines with square wings were crossing the sky.

Leonardo DaVinci had speculated about such machines, even going so far as to draw schematics. But Belle never thought she’d see a real one.

Chun-Li held a hand above her eyes and squinted at the machines. “Are those… torpedo bombers? From World War Two?”

Belle raised one eyebrow. “World war?”

“You know, Hitler, Pearl Harbor, and all that crap? Where are you from that you haven’t heard of this?”

Belle squinted and tilted her head. “Fraaance?”

“What?” Chun-Li threw her hands into the air. “France spent half of the nineteen-forties crawling with Nazis!”

“Nineteen… Nineteen-forty?” Belle’s head was swimming. “It’s nineteen-forty?”

“Noooooo,” said Chun-Li, pointing at the sky. “They are from nineteen-forty. I just walked out of nineteen-ninety-three. And I’m guessing you’re from way before that.”

Belle just nodded.

“Can I play this game with y’all?”

The trio turned and looked at the source of the country drawl. It was a short woman, holding a rifle to her shoulder, backing toward them while sweeping her weapon back and forth across the woods. She stole a glance over her shoulder and grinned. “Eighteen-ninety-nine. Annie Oakley. Hate to ruin the party, but somethin’s huntin’ out here, so why don’t we add some pep to our step?”

As if to accentuate her point, an unearthly howl came echoing out of the woods behind them. They hurried toward the thatched roofs peeking through the thinning trees, occasionally glancing up at the colorful winged ponies flying circles around the airplanes. Soon, they could see swarms of creatures of all types being directed into town by a few ponies on the outskirts.

They walked past an orange pony with a wide-brimmed hat who was busy arguing with a pair of men in black suits and bright blue gloves. As they entered town, they saw a cafe with some mushroom-shaped outdoor tables, where a pony waiter was wrestling with a short man in a red hat and a big black mustache.

Belle looked to the other side of the street, where a man in a pastel suit was being ushered out of another restaurant. When he turned around, Belle jumped as she saw his green skin and the tiny red horns sticking out of his forehead. He saw the startled look on her face and reached out a green hand to her shoulder. “Believe me, sister, this isn’t the worst alternate dimension I’ve been to, but I hope you’re not looking for anybody who can make a decent Sea Breeze.”

Belle just nodded and backed away, trying to stick close to her companions. By the time she turned back around, Chun-Li and Annie were watching Lumière waggle his eyebrows at a pair of nearly identical blue-and-pink mares. Belle stomped up and grabbed him by the ear, pulling him into the street and hurrying past the spa.

“What do you think you’re doing? You’re not really a pony. Are you really going to—” she made some vaguely suggestive motions with her hands “—you know? With a pony? That’s not natural.”

Lumière licked his lips and smirked. “And this comes from the young woman who fell in love with a beast?”

Chun-Li paused with a wooden mug on her lips, looked at Belle, and raised her eyebrows. Belle pursed her lips and held up one finger, but failed to form any words.

Lumière smirked all the more. “And besides, I have been making love to a feather-duster for over a century.”

Chun-Li spit into her mug, then hid her face in it as she coughed and sputtered. An incredibly purple unicorn trotted past, and Lumière’s eyes followed the three diamonds on her flank. Lumière winked at Belle and sang, “Au revoir,” then trotted off after the mare.

Annie lifted her jaw and blinked rapidly. “A beast?”

Chun-Li cleared her throat and wiped her mouth. “A feather duster?”

Belle growled, “It’s a long story.”

Just then, a golden man hobbled stiffly past, muttering, “Oh, dear.” He was followed by half a dozen miniature bears carrying wooden spears.

Galloping after them all was the orange pony from the edge of town, but she trotted to a stop next to Belle and hung her head, panting. She took off her hat and fanned herself, then looked up at the trio of ladies and said, “Eh, I’m sure they’ll be fine.” She plopped her hat back on her head. “Y’all seem a mite calmer than the rest. Mind if I spend some time helpin’ you out, while I catch my breath?”

Chun-Li shrugged and took another drink. The orange pony grinned hugely and pointed a hoof at the mug. “I see you’re already enjoyin’ my prize-winning apple cider. I’m Applejack. Welcome to Ponyville, Equestria!”

After the three ladies introduced themselves, Applejack spun around slowly, taking in the chaotic town and all its new inhabitants. She looked back at the group, then said, “Is there something I can help y’all with? I hope?”

Chun-Li spoke up quickly, counting off on her fingers, “Why are we here? How can we get home? What the hell even are you?”

Applejack sighed. “I dunno, I dunno, and we’re ponies. I’m an earth pony, but there’s also unicorns and pegasus ponies. Growin’ stuff, magic, and weather, respectively. Now, is there anything I can do to make your stay more comfortable?”

“Well,” Belle said as she tugged her robe tighter around her waist, “I could use some real clothes.”

Applejack’s face lit up like a kid on Christmas morning. “I know just the place. Follow me!”

They had gone barely a block when Applejack stopped in front of a gigantic tent. “This is my friend Rarity’s boutique. If anypony can make you a… whatever it is you wear, it’s her.” She pushed open the door and led the way inside.

“… so many creatures so uncomfortable in their own skin, I swear. This is—”

Applejack cleared her throat. “Hey, Rarity.”

A white unicorn stuck her head around the corner. “Oh dear, I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you come in. What can I do for you, Applejack?” She trotted into the room with half a dozen objects floating next to her in a glowing blue aura.

Belle curtsied, then spoke up with a smile. “Actually, madame, I was hoping to get some clothes more appropriate than a nightgown for being in public.”

Rarity held a hoof to her chin and furrowed her brow, then started digging around in an overstuffed closet. “You know, I might have something that would work. Twilight thought it would be interesting to make a dress to fit the humans she encountered in the mirror world. But this one turned out ‘horribly disproportionate’ in her words.”

She lit up her horn again and stepped back, pulling out a yellow ball gown with a wide hoop skirt. Belle gasped, holding a hand to her mouth. “This… This is my dress.”

“Well,” Rarity said with a chuckle, “you’re welcome to have it. There’s a fitting room right through there.”

Annie poked the end of her rifle at the side of one of Belle’s disintegrating slippers. “You might wanna get some real shoes, too. Who knows how long we’re gonna be walking around.”

Rarity pointed to a pair of boots by the door. “A man came by earlier asking for some shoes, even though he had a pair in his hands. He said, ah, he had found the ‘one terrorist with feet smaller than his sister,’ whatever that means. So I gave him a pair of socks - beautiful lavender with eggplant stripes, I made them for Twilight - and he left those shoes behind when he walked out.”

A few minutes later, Belle stepped out of the dressing room. Rarity sat down and clopped her hooves together with a grin while Chun-Li rolled her eyes. Annie just stood there with her rifle over her shoulder and said, “Ain’t the most practical, but it sure is pretty.”

“Yes,” said Rarity, “and it fits perfectly.” She lowered her voice and looked at Applejack, “Just don’t tell Pinkie. I don’t need another ‘I told you so’ party.”

The bell above the door jingled, and a blue pegasus stuck her head into the room as she hovered in the doorway. “Hey, Twi’s back! She’s gathering everypo– Uh, everybody at Town Hall.” She stabbed a hoof toward Applejack. “And I hope you saved me some cider this time!”

She zipped out the door, already yelling at someone else before the door jingled closed. Rarity chuckled and said, “Even if the world was ending, all Rainbow Dash wants is some cider.”

Applejack polished one hoof on her fuzzy chest, then pretended to inspect it for a moment before looking up at Rarity with a smirk. “My cider is just that good.”

“It is,” Chun-Li said with a nod, then pointed toward the door. “But let’s get to this meeting. Hopefully, the world isn’t ending.”

“Heh, right. Town Hall is just down the street. Let’s find out what all this is about.”

As they stepped out the door, something like a wagon came careening around the corner with a loud growl very much like the airplanes. It passed by in a cloud of dust, and Belle thought she saw a huge toad in the front seat, grinning maniacally beneath a pair of goggles.

Applejack rolled her eyes, and took off at a trot, heading in the same direction as the noisy wagon. Belle and the rest followed, merging with the restless crowd that was gathered in a courtyard in front of a tall building. Before long, an elderly man in a long white coat shuffled up to a podium and adjusted the thick glasses that completely hid his eyes. He spoke in a loud but wavering voice. “Good news, everyone! Twilight Sporkle has studied the interdimensional quantum inverted singularity, and will be here in just a moment to—”

Half of the crowd ducked and gasped as a lavender blur passed overhead, then touched down on the stage next to the old man. The pony folded her wings and said, “Thank you, Professor. It’s Twilight Sparkle actually.”

Twilight Sparkle lit up her horn and pulled off a saddlebag, brimming with books and scrolls, and dumped it unceremoniously onto the makeshift stage. “As some of you may have noticed, you don’t belong in Equestria.”

A wave of chuckles passed through the crowd.

“The culprit seems to be a tangle of time-space vortices, all bound together in a magical book. Unfortunately, I can’t get close enough to identify the book. Do any of you have any information regarding this book? Perhaps you performed a magical ceremony involving fire and the light of the full moon?”

Belle gasped, recalling the accident in the library. She hesitantly raised one hand, eventually waving it until Twilight noticed and pointed at her with a purple hoof. “You, there. Do you know anything that can help us?”

“I… I found a book in my castle library. It glowed in the moonlight, and it had blue and white unicorns on the front. I dropped an oil lamp that caught the book on fire. The next thing I knew, I was here.”

“Castle library, huh? I like your style.” Twilight scribbled onto a scroll. “And how much experience do you have with magic?”

“None. Well, I’m about to marry a prince who had been cursed to look like a beast, but I broke the curse when I fell in love with him. Does that count?”

A murmur passed through the crowd. More and more bystanders started staring at Belle as Twilight looked up from her scroll. “That explains how you got here. But something went wrong with the—”

“I’ll tell you what went wrong!”

Every eye turned to the woman hobbling up to rear of the crowd. She could have looked like a kindly grandmother if there hadn’t been blood splattered across the snowmen and Christmas trees on her sweater. She planted her stiff leg and spoke loud enough for the entire crowd to hear. “That bastard Ray betrayed us!”

Twilight held her quill in a ready position as she said, “Can you elaborate just a bit, please?”

The woman took a deep breath and sighed. “Ray was in bad shape after he lost his Susan, God rest her soul. Christmas time roll around, and he stepped up to plan the party. We figured he was done moping in the archives. At least, till he started throwing blood on the floor and chanting.”

Belle shivered and tried to choke down the bile in her throat. Some members of the crowd gasped in horror, and others just rolled their eyes. Applejack looked like she was feeling sick too, but Chun-Li was busy cracking her knuckles while Annie’s fingertips idly traced the lines of her rifle.

“The blood caught fire, and that sumbitch fell through the floor. Only, it wasn’t a floor then. Just blackness.”

Twilight looked up from her notes and nodded her head. “Alright. I think I know what turned a simple portal into the giant vortex that brought you all here. I just need to do a little research, and then I can send everyone home. Thank you, miss…”

“Dorcas. But you’d better hurry. When Ray disappeared, things started coming through. Swarms of ‘em.”

Twilight smirked and held her head a little higher. “We’ve got a lot of experience dealing with monsters around here.”

Dorcas twisted her face into a scowl, causing several onlookers nearby to flinch away. “Not like these, you don’t. Used to could hold my own, till a werewolf took my leg.” She bent down and rapped on her shin for emphasis, sending a hollow noise ringing across the silent crowd. “But these ain’t no damned werewolves, or vampires, or, well. Sorry, honey, you just got no idea what you’re dealing with. These things are mindless… endless. They will never stop. Your entire world will be consumed. Hell, they might could even get into all everybody else’s worlds, too.”

She let that sink in while she tugged her sweater down over a conspicuous bulge on her waist. “If I got sucked into your world, they can’t be far behind.”

Twilight sighed, then glanced at the train station behind the crowd. “Alright then. The first detachment of Royal Guards has just arrived. They’ll organize ponies and visitors into defensive groups. Hopefully, we can keep these monsters at bay long enough for me to seal the portal. Everyone, please report to a guard pony for combat capability assessment and assignment. Thank you.”

The crowd began to disperse, obscuring Belle’s view of the stage as Twilight turned toward a group of pegasi in yellow and blue uniforms. Chun-Li and Annie glanced back at the green cloud, still visible above the wooded horizon. Applejack turned to Dorcas and said, “Well, I guess you’d better tell the guard ponies everything you know about these monsters. We’ll tag along.”

Dorcas replied without taking her eyes off of a tall man in a black suit. “Of course, dear. Right after I meet young Sean Connery.” She glanced at Belle and winked. “And maybe get a handful of those perky buns. Leroy won’t mind.”

Belle looked at Annie, who just shrugged. Chun-Li grinned, but didn’t say a word. Applejack scanned the crowd, then pointed at the nearest guard pony who wasn’t swarmed with volunteers and said, “We’d best be gettin’ signed up.”

Belle bit her lip and fiddled with the yellow silk at her fingertips. “I… I don’t think I’d be helpful in a fight. I’m not like Dorcas. I had to be rescued from a few regular old wolves.”

Annie leaned her rifle over her shoulder and tilted her head. “Belle, you heard what Dorcas said. If we don’t stop these things before that purple pony can fix the whatsit, these monsters are gonna take over the world. All the worlds, I guess.”

Belle looked at Annie. She had a way of holding her rifle like she forgot it was there. Belle wasn’t that comfortable with anything but books. “Maybe I could help if I could find the local library? I could help Twilight research the…”

Chun-Li and Annie both gave Belle a look that made her drop that line of thought entirely.

Chun-Li sighed and looked at the sky, as if searching for the right words. “Look. There’s a famous speech from World War Two. Something about ‘if you don’t fight when you have a chance of success, you may have to fight when all hope is lost and there’s no chance of success, but you fight anyway because it’s better than dying without a fight.’”

Belle raised her eyebrows. “Is… Is that supposed to make me feel better?”

“Sorry, I remember the speech being really inspirational, but I guess I don’t remember much about the speech itself. My point was that if you don’t fight now, you’re going to die later.”

“Still not helping.”

Annie sighed. “Miss Chunly, I don’t think she lacks the willingness to fight. She lacks the capability.”

“Also not helping.”

“Sorry,” Annie said. “Ain’t no fault of your’n. You just never needed to fight before. You’re pretty good at, um. What is it you’re good at?”

Belle smiled, grateful for the change in topic. “I really love to read books. Fiction, history, science, philosophy, anything really. I’m a quick study, too. I taught myself to read Italian in just six months!”

“Well,” said Chun-Li, “it sounds like we can teach you to fight.” She threw an arm over Belle’s shoulder. “You just talked yourself into some kickboxing lessons.”

Belle looked down at Chun-Li’s massive leg muscles. “Even if I learn how to kick, I don’t think my kicks will do much damage. I’ve always had someone around who could protect me. I never thought I’d be fighting for my life.”

Dorcas put a hand on Belle’s shoulder and stepped around from behind her. “Oh, hon, things get better in a couple hundred years. You’ll get” —she patted the bulge under her sweater— “guns! And once y’all figure out you don’t got to depend on men for protection any more, you even get the guts to demand the right to vote.”

Annie froze in the middle of her nod, raising her eyebrows. Chun-Li crossed her arms across her chest and raised only one eyebrow. “I’m not sure that’s exactly what happened. How was Sean Connery?”

Dorcas put a hand over her heart and sighed. Then she looked at the crusty blood on her hand, wiped it on her pants, and went back to smiling. “That wasn’t Sean Connery. That was” —she lowered her voice and affected a fake British accent— “Bond, James Bond.”

“Ha! No way!”

“I ain’t pullin’ your leg. Took this right off him.” Dorcas pulled a tiny pistol out of her pocket and held it up for inspection.

Belle made a face. Guns were for muscle-brained, obnoxious men. Hunters who lacked the skill to use a bow or a spear. They were loud, and smelly, and heavy, and useless. They reminded her of Gaston and his illiterate friends. She still couldn’t figure out why Annie had one.

“You okay, hon?”

Belle blinked and looked down at Dorcas. The older lady gave a sad smile and said, “I’m afraid you might need this before the day’s over.”

“So that’s why you had your paws all over me.”

All four ladies turned around to look at the Englishman. He tugged his shirt cuffs out of his jacket sleeves, then looked up and said, “You just wanted my Walther.”

Dorcas grinned. “Oh no, sonny. You got that backwards.”

James Bond returned the grin. “I do hope you found what you’re looking for.” He held out his hand. “But I’ll be needing that back now.”

Dorcas shoved the Walther back into her pants pocket. “Not a chance. I seen you fight, and you can do right well without it. Hell, you lose the damn thing half your movies anyway.”

His grin faded away as he said, “I’m afraid I’m going to have to insist.”

Belle suddenly realized that Chun-Li had slipped off to the side, and Annie’s rifle was hanging a bit less casually in her hands. Dorcas hooked a thumb under the hem of her sweater and looked him in the eyes. “Nope. Now scat, before I put my plastic foot in your ass.”

He turned his deep brown eyes on each of the ladies in turn, finally settling on Applejack. He shook his head and turned away, muttering, “I need a drink.”

Dorcas watched him walk away, then turned back to Belle as she pulled the gun out of her pocket again. “I know it ain’t much, but it’s a sight better than throwin’ rocks. Guessing you got no clue how to use it?”

Belle shook her head.

Chun-Li held out her hand and said, “I have handgun training. I can show her how to use it.”

Dorcas plopped the little black gun into Chun-Li’s open hand with a chuckle. “Oh, that’s right, you’re INTERPOL.”

Chun-Li’s eyes widened. “I’m supposed to be undercover. How the hell did you know?”

“We got a Super Nintendo at the compound.”

“You’ve got a what?” Chun-Li asked.

“Don’t worry about it. Y’all stay safe, now.” Dorcas turned and hobbled toward the nearest guard pony, swinging her prosthetic leg wide as she waved to get his attention.

Chun-Li stuffed the pistol down the front of her blouse and jiggled her breasts to settle it into position. “Why don’t we go somewhere private, so we’re not waving a gun in everyone’s face?”

“Actually,” Annie said, “I think we should start her off on this here twenty-two rifle. Get her some trigger time.”

“Do you have enough ammo for target practice? We might have to fight off swarms of monsters to avert some kind of interdimensional apocalypse.”

“Sure.” Annie pulled a hand out of a pocket in her dress. She showed Chun-Li a fistful of short little golden rods with dull gray tips. “I was about to start an exhibition. Got pockets full of the stuff.”

Chun-Li looked down at Applejack. “Is there a place outside of town with enough room for target shooting and some sparring?”

“Well, I got an apple farm. Will that work?”

“Sounds perfect.”

—————————

Belle held her pinkie out as she slammed the magazine into the grip well. It stayed in place when she tugged on it. She checked that the safety was in the forward position, then gripped the rear of the slide and glanced up at Chun-Li. After getting a nod of approval, Belle pushed the frame of the gun forward, retracting the slide and letting it snap forward again.

“Alright,” Chun-Li said, “for real this time. It’s ready to fire. Remember, just a couple shots. We don’t have any spare ammo.”

Belle nodded silently and pulled the safety down with her thumb. After learning how to deliver some kicks, she’d spent the last twenty minutes knocking tin cans off of Applejack’s fenceposts with Annie’s lever-action rifle. That, and listening to dueling history and philosophy lessons. ‘God created all men, but Samuel Colt made them equal.’ ‘I’ve never seen a human trafficker without a gun.’ ‘Bet you never seen a slave with a gun, neither.’ ‘Leave guns to the trained professionals.’ ‘What do you think I do for a livin’? I shoot a rifle better’n any man alive.’

Belle lined up the front sight in the notch of the rear sight, and began pressing on the trigger. It was distracting to watch the hammer inch backward, but she refocused her attention on the sights.

PUH-BOOM!

So many things happened at once. The single loudest noise Belle had ever heard came slamming into her brain through the cotton balls stuffed in her ears. The tin can fell over. The gun kicked in her hands. A shiny piece of metal went flying to the side. Part of the gun itself jumped backward at her face before leaping forward again. The tin can hit the ground.

Belle heard cheering. She turned around, breathing heavily through her giant grin. Before she could get a look at her friends, she was nearly knocked over as Chun-Li grabbed her wrists and shoved her hands into the air.

“Remember that part about keeping the gun in a safe direction?”

Belle looked up at the gun still in her hands. She blushed and began stammering an apology before Chun-Li cut her off. “It’s okay, nobody got hurt. Let’s try one more shot before we head back to town.”

Belle nodded and tried to slow her heartbeat. She lined up the sights on the next can, but the front sight was dancing all over the place. Although her hands were trembling, a few slow breaths decreased it to a manageable level. The trigger was farther back this time, and the hammer was already at the rear. She began to press on the trigger, but every time she started to apply pressure, her hands shook even more. Finally, she managed to pull all the way through and the gun fired again.

The can stood resolutely on top of the fencepost.

Before she had time to think about the miss, the blue pegasus from earlier dropped right in front of her. “Hey, what’s all the racket?”

Belle flipped the safety lever downward to decock the Walther, then stowed it in her own bustier while Applejack made introductions and talked about target practice. Rainbow Dash kicked the last can off of the fencepost and said, “Anyway, Twi’s ready to get started. Everypony’s headed to the vorta-whatsit.”

Rainbow landed and folded her wings, looking at Applejack with an exaggerated pout. “And I hooooooope you saved me some cider?” She leaned into the orange mare’s fuzzy chest, looking up with giant puppydog eyes. “Right?”

Applejack pushed her away with one hoof. “Cider can wait till after the apocalypse.”

Rainbow jumped into the air with her forelimbs folded across her chest and whined, “Why did the apocalypse have to happen on the first day of cider season?” She stuck out her tongue at Applejack and grinned before disappearing in a trail of rainbow colors.

“Well,” Annie said, twirling her rifle in one hand, “I guess we’d better head on out.”

—————————

Belle followed the dirt path through Ponyville, her frilly skirt flouncing along with her steps. She couldn’t help but grin. Annie was quite the storyteller.

“So, I wasn’t braggin’ when I said I was a better shot than any man alive. In fact, I won my husband in a shootin’ match. He didn’t think a girl could beat him.”

Chun-Li looked sideways at Annie. “You won a husband? I’ve won my fair share of shooting matches, but all I got was trophies.”

“Heh. I guess you could say I won his heart.”

Belle chuckled. “That’s really sweet.”

“Yeah,” Chun-Li said with a sideways smile, “beating someone at their own profession is a surefire way to win their heart.”

Belle poked Chun-Li in the ribs. “Coming from the professional underground prize fighter.”

“Hey, I’m not trying to marry any of those weirdos.”

“Say,” Annie asked, “why are you doin’ them fights?”

“I could say that it’s just my INTERPOL assignment, but I picked that assignment. I’m investigating a criminal syndicate involved in human trafficking, but… It’s the same syndicate that my father was investigating when he was murdered. He’s the one who taught me to shoot. He said that I could do anything I set my mind on, if I worked hard and never gave up.”

Belle nodded. “I’m sorry to hear about your father. My father, Maurice, told me the same thing. That’s why he taught me to read. He never complained when we went a little hungry because I’d bought another book.”

“Heh,” Applejack said, “you sound a lot like Twilight. She sure loves her books. What is it with princesses and books, anyway?”

“Well, I’m not actually a princess. I am going to marry a prince, but I’m not sure that makes me a princess, even after the wedding.”

Chun-Li looked at Annie and said, “After you got married, you went around doing shooting exhibitions with your husband, right?” She turned to Belle. “What are you planning to do after you marry your prince?”

“I…” Belle hadn’t really thought that far in advance. “I don’t know. I guess I assumed that once I married the prince, I would live happily ever after. Just like in the books.”

Annie chuckled. “Well, marriage is what you make it. Can’t say I never fight with Frank, but we’re pretty happy. Dunno ‘bout the ‘ever after’ part, though. But you still live your life, you just live life together. What’d you do before?”

Belle thought for a moment before she replied. “All I’ve ever really done was tend the garden and clean the house and go to the market. I guess I’ll have servants to do those things now. When Father moves into the castle, I won’t have to take care of him so much. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I guess I’m pretty useless.”

“Hold on a second,” Annie said. “Didn’t you save your pa from his own self after your ma died? You said he couldn’t even feed himself.”

“Well, he did kind of dive into invention full-time, and forgot to eat sometimes, but…”

Annie held up her hand and continued, “And when he got locked in the Beast’s castle, you went to rescue him all by yourself. That’s pretty brave, ain’t it?”

Chun-Li nodded and pointed at Annie. “Yeah, and this prince guy. You didn’t just rescue him from the curse, you rescued him from a pretty rotten attitude, too. It sounds like he treated everybody like dirt, at least until you got to him.”

Applejack looked back at Belle. “Sounds to me like you’ll make a pretty good princess. And I’ve got some pretty high standards in that department.”

Belle blushed. “Thanks, everyone. But I still don’t know what I can do as, theoretically, a princess.”

Applejack slowed down until she was walking next to Belle. “Didn’t you say that you read a lot of books?”

“Yeah,” added Chun-Li. “I’m sure the prince would find it helpful to have an educated and well-read princess at his side.”

Annie said, “I agree. Sounds like your town needs some educatin’. I reckon a princess might help in that regard.”

Applejack laughed and shook her head. “It’s a shame Twi’s not here for this. She’d be tickled pink. She’d probly give you a book on how to be a princess of books.”

Belle smiled as she digested what her new friends had said. “It’s kind of crazy to think I could lift an entire kingdom out of illiteracy. I’ve got something to work toward now, thanks.”

As they rounded the last bend on the outskirts of town, a pair of lanky stallions came into view, wearing identical hats and pulling a roofed wagon. They groaned along with Applejack when the trio saw each other. Applejack scowled and took a deep breath as they approached.

Before she could speak, one of the stallions waved his hoof as they hurried past. “Those guys are crazy!”

Belle followed Applejack’s confused gaze down the road to a pair of men arguing as they slowly made their way down the road to the forest. One, wearing a brown suit, was touching the tip of every fencepost as he walked past, scrupulously avoiding any muddy spots in the road.

“…didn’t, because you noticed the scuff marks on the trap door.”

The other man placed his fingertips to his temple and said, “You’re just jealous of my psychic powers, Jack.”

“It’s Adrian. And I saw you notice the scuff marks. I—” He stopped and reached out to the other man’s shirt, straightening his collar. “You’ll thank me later.”

The ladies passed the bickering men on the other side of the road, then looked ahead to the edge of the forest where a group of ponies was ushering people and creatures along a trail toward the vortex. Belle gasped and ran ahead when she saw Lumière among the guards. After an awkward, fuzzy hug, Lumière said, “It’s good to see you, ma cherie. But we must head to the vortex. Twilight is ready to send everyone home.”

As they joined the crowds making their way into the woods, Applejack said, “How do you two know each other?”

Belle replied, “Lumière is my manservant. He turned into a pony when we got here.”

“I– But– Humph. This is all just so confusin’!”

A muscular black man with a gold crest on his forehead looked down at Applejack and raised one eyebrow. “Indeed.”

Chun-Li poked Lumière in the side and said, “Hey, featherduster. How’d it go with your, uh, girl pony?”

Lumière smiled as he trotted. “Amethyst Star taught me how to use my magic.” He summoned a few little fireballs that circled around his horn before vanishing in a big puff of flame. “And I taught her a little something about magic as well.”

As the women laughed, Applejack looked back and forth between them. “I don’t get it.”

Lumière’s debonair grin was interrupted by a sudden outbreak of rapid gunfire, followed closely by echoing screams. People were suddenly running in every direction; some toward the fray, some fleeing in the other direction, and others running in blind panic. Chun-Li and Annie took off, followed closely by Applejack. Belle took a deep breath and looked down at Lumière. He nodded. Belle ran after her friends, ignoring the brambles that tore at her ball gown.

When they arrived at the edge of the clearing, there was nothing left but bodies. Mounds of orange carapaces littered the ground, and bits of people dripped from the trees. A few unfortunate survivors writhed and twitched on the ground, bloody foam pouring from their mouths as alien poison dissolved their organs.

The green vortex towered over them, spinning and growling like some horrible otherworldly machinery. A few hundred feet away, Twilight Sparkle was hovering at treetop level, directing blasts of purple magic into the book as she dodged leaping insectoid creatures. At the base of the vortex, uncountable orange creatures poured out like a flood of rusty blades. They mindlessly swarmed towards the remaining defenders hugging the treeline on the other side of the clearing.

Annie jumped over a pile of oozing exoskeletons and made her way to a boxy metal carriage. It had a picture of a bear’s pawprint on the side, and there were pieces of men scattered around, each with an identical image on their shoulders or hats. Annie pushed aside a length of intestine that was hanging from a tree, and pulled open a heavy metal door. She stepped halfway into the carriage, and reached up to a gigantic gun partially protruding from its roof.

“Wouldja lookit this!” Annie said as she pushed a button that made the barrels all spin around a central axis. “I bet this Gatling gun coulda made a difference, if’n they’d got it unpacked in time.”

“Sweet,” Chun-Li said with a lopsided grin. “A minigun.”

Belle glanced at the trees only a hundred feet away. A man-sized turtle was busy chopping up monsters with a pair of swords. A hundred feet in the other direction, James Bond, who had somehow managed to lose his shirt and jacket, was gracefully striking bugs with the edge of his hand. Belle looked back at Annie. “I don’t think we have time to figure out how to unpack it, or how to use it.”

Lumière cleared his throat. “Allow me.”

He illuminated his horn, and the weapon was covered in a yellow aura. It shakily levitated up through the hole in the carriage’s roof, followed by a large steel ribbon connected to a flat box labeled “10,000 CRTG, 7.62x51 MM, 9 M80 BALL – 1 M62 TRACER.” The minigun fell to the ground, sinking a couple of inches into the soft dirt.

Annie tugged on the gun ineffectually with one hand. “That ain’t much help, Frenchie.”

“Wait! I have this.” Lumière again surrounded the gun in a magical glow, this time to no obvious effect. “Try it now.”

Annie reached down again, this time lifting the entire monstrosity with one hand. “Well, now. Ain’t that some useful magic?”

She dropped her rifle on the ground and hefted the giant gun, turning toward the vortex. “I’ll cut ‘em down while—”

An orange scythe burst through Annie’s chest, and the creature’s momentum carried her to the ground, where it quickly tore her body to shreds. It was the first time Belle had seen one of the creatures up close; all angles and claws and eyes and jaws.

Chun-Li kicked it in the head, shattering its shell and sending chunks of its mandible through the air. She spun and kicked two more creatures, but two more instantly took their place.

Applejack was spinning in circles, bucking one monster after another. Lumière grunted as he pushed waves of fire into the swarm. Dorcas was suddenly behind Belle, hacking at the bugs with a Roman gladius while hurling the most creative profanity Belle had ever heard.

Twilight flapped over their heads, shouting to be heard over the commotion. “I have to get closer, and I need to be able to concentrate to seal the rift. AJ, you’ve got to clear a spot for me to land!”

Belle knew that there was no way they were going to get closer to the rift. There were too many bugs. Everyone around her was useful, and there Belle was, standing in the middle of the circle, the eye of a bloody storm, waiting to be rescued again.

She took a deep breath and reached down to the minigun, lifting it effortlessly to her waist. With the press of a button, the barrels instantly spun up with a rattling hum. Belle mashed the trigger.

The entire world became nothing but a loud roar. A solid lance of brilliant yellow leapt straight from the muzzle, arcing across the clearing and cutting down everything in its path. Belle swept the minigun left and right slowly. Everywhere she willed, destruction followed in waves of chitinous shards and splashes of orange goo.

Occasional waves of heat from behind were reminders that Lumière and the others were fighting off the creatures that had already made it into the woods. Brass casings piled up at her feet until they began spilling into her boots and burning her ankles. From the corner of her eye she could see the barrels glowing a dull red, and the scent of burning silk began to mingle with the sharp smell of burnt gunpowder as bits of her skirt began to char and smolder. She gritted her teeth and clamped down on the trigger even harder.

Soon, the clearing was filled with motionless husks, and the only movement was from the newly emerged creatures before she cut them down. With all her targets in one place, she concentrated her fire on the vortex. Monsters shattered and splashed into chunks the moment they appeared, being chewed up by bullets before they had a chance to take a single step into Equestria.

Belle’s face hurt from smiling so hard.

Belle began to stomp forward, dragging the ammo crate behind her. Someone picked up the crate, but she didn’t stop to see who. The pile of dead creatures was growing so large that the newest arrivals had to climb out the top, erupting in a spray of orange limbs and fluids as they mindlessly pushed their way into Belle’s wall of bullets.

Twilight landed and kicked a few slimy orange shells out of her way, then nodded to Belle. The group closed around Twilight as she squeezed her eyes shut and lit her horn. Twilight’s face began to twitch as her mouth half-formed words and numbers, as if she was performing some complex math problem in her head.

As the pile of bodies grew taller and the trail of bullets angled more sharply into the sky, people began to emerge from the treeline, advancing toward the vortex and killing any bugs that wandered their way out of the woods.

A sudden silence fell like an anvil into the clearing. Without the minigun’s massive recoil, Belle nearly toppled forward. She looked at the cherry-red barrels, still spinning impotently. Lumière held the steel ammunition box in his hooves as he peered inside the open lid. He turned it upside down and shrugged.

Belle looked up as the pile of dead bugs began to swell. She dropped the minigun to the ground, where it landed with a hiss in a puddle of bug fluids. A single creature pushed its way out from under the mountain of corpses, then charged down the hill directly toward Belle with an otherworldly shriek that pierced through the ringing in her ears.

Reaching into her brassiere, she pulled out the little Walther and thumbed the safety off. Just as the creature reached her, she reared back and kicked it in the face with a heavy boot, knocking it to the ground. As it struggled to get up, she planted a boot on its neck. She lined up the sights on a red compound eye and pulled the trigger, sending a bullet directly into the creature’s brain.

The mountain burst open like a horrific volcano, with streams of orange creatures flowing down its slopes toward the defenders. Sporadic gunfire, bursts of magic, and even arrows impacted the swarm with little effect.

“Got it!” shouted Twilight.

An arc of lightning flung out of the vortex like a whip, impacting just behind Belle as the giant cloud dissipated. Each of the advancing monsters vanished in a flash of crimson flame, followed quickly by the corpses and fluids left behind on the ground.

Where there had previously been a giant tornado spouting from the book, now there were hundreds of thin, rope-like vortices twisting around each other. More bolts of lightning flashed, another visitor and their respective vortex disappearing with each crack of thunder. Twilight looked up and wiped the sweat from her face with one foreleg. “It should untangle by itself now. You’re all going home!”

Belle stowed her pistol back in her dress, and turned around. Dorcas was gone. Twilight hung her head and muttered, “I had to send her back where she came from. I’m sorry.”

Chun-Li put a hand on Belle’s shoulder. “I’m sure she’ll be fine. She’s a tough old biddy.”

Cracks of thunder continued to punctuate the moment as Belle looked back toward the carriage where Annie had picked up the minigun. “I just wish I’d had a chance to say goodbye.”

Chun-Li looked at the dwindling bundle of vortices, then back at Belle. “Speaking of goodbyes, it was an honor to fight next to you. You’re stronger than you think. If anybody’s got a chance at living happily ever af—”

A blinding flash of light cut her off. Belle smiled and reached out to the air where Chun-Li had stood a moment before. “Thanks.”

Applejack shouted into the treeline, “Rainbow, what the hay are you doin’ out there?”

Rainbow hollered back, “I ditched my saddlebag when the fight started. And now I can’t find it.”

“Well, why didja bring your saddlebag?”

“Ah-hah!” Rainbow stuck her head into a pile of brush and rustled around. She pulled back with a saddlebag in her teeth, then tossed it across her back. Within seconds, she was hovering next to Applejack.

Applejack narrowed her eyes and glared at Rainbow.

Rainbow grinned and blushed. “W-what?”

Another silence fell over the clearing, this one lying like a warm blanket across the muddy earth, still littered with discarded equipment and broken weapons. Everyone looked to the book where it lay open, a gentle glow sparkling above its pages. Belle looked at the clear blue sky, then back at Twilight. “Why am I still here?”

Twilight pointed at the book. “You have to walk through the book, same way you got here. But you’d better hurry - without the vortex, the magic is wearing off pretty quickly.”

“Well,” Belle said as she kneeled in front of Applejack, “It was great to meet you.”

“Heh, you too, sugarcube.”

Lumière bowed and picked up one of Applejack’s hooves, kissing it gently before stepping backwards to join Belle next to the book.

Applejack blushed. Belle rolled her eyes.

Belle turned toward the book, but paused when she stepped over the minigun. A wide grin crossed her face, then she leaned down and picked it up with one hand, pulling off the feed chute with the other. She hung the barrels over her shoulder, in as casual a manner as she could, like she’d seen Annie do. With Lumière by her side, she paused with one foot over the book.

“You know, I wish I could have tasted that famous Apple cider before I go.”

As Belle lowered her foot toward the pages, Applejack bit the saddlebag on Rainbow’s back, and in one smooth motion tossed it to Belle, who caught it in her free hand. Rainbow looked indignant, but the last thing Belle saw before the magic enveloped her was Applejack whispering in Rainbow’s ear, and Rainbow grabbing Applejack in a big hug.

The next thing Belle knew, she was standing in her castle library, in the middle of a charred spot on the marble floor. Babette burst through the library door with a sopping wet blanket in her arms. She gave a sigh of relief and said, “Oh, thank goodness! You already put out the—”

Belle followed the maid’s eyes past her tattered yellow ball gown, to Lumière where he remained on the floor, on his hands and knees, naked. Babette blinked rapidly, and finally managed to stammer, “Wh-what?”

“Well,” Belle said, hefting the saddlebag onto her shoulder with a clink of glass bottles, “that’s a long story.”

Epilogue

Scootaloo dropped her scooter in the sparse grass by the side of the road. After circling the huge machine a few times, she found a spot low enough to jump up onto the wing. She pulled off her saddlebag and laid out several wrenches and screwdrivers on the riveted metal surface next to the fuselage, then lifted up an engine cowling behind the massive propeller. There were huge metal cylinders, lots of pipes and hoses, and bundles of wires. She wasn’t quite sure what she was looking at, but nothing looked obviously broken.

She turned toward the tail and stepped up to the cockpit. Careful to avoid the locations labeled “NO STEP,” she leaned over to peer into the interior. The seat looked comfortable enough, if a bit too big. Her purple eyes scanned over the various dials and gauges before settling on one labeled “FUEL” with a needle pointing toward “E.”

Scootaloo grinned.