Kalopsia

"That's it. It's final, I want you gone."

Xolotl, Lord of Decay and Deformity sat before me as he delivered the news, his huge twisted dog paws neatly placed before his body; His great head still and his dark, obsidian eyes boring into me.

"Why?" I said, gulping and  desperately trying to fight back the stinging tears that threatened to come to the surface.

"I just think we're too different."

"How are we different?" I asked, feeling almost ashamed at the panic I felt. How could Xolotl think we were different? Surely chaos and deformity went hand in hand?

"You even have to ask?" said the dog god. "I don't even know what you are."

When Xolotl and I first came into being, I was fascinated by the fact that he could deform things. More than fascinated, I was downright smitten. Here was someone like me, someone who thrived on random change. Nature never questioned what we did. We were allowed free reign to do as we pleased. It didn't matter that he was deformed and twisted. He was beautiful to me, and he let me be chaotic and bask in the idea of being me.

Until now.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Why do you exist? Some of the stuff you do is just downright weird. Why did you make those palm trees sentient the other day? It really hurt when they started throwing coconuts at us."

I grinned. "Come on, that was hilarious!"

"Then there was that thing you did with those Equinedorian islands--where you changed all the birds' beaks so that they were all different. What was the point of that?"

"Why does everything have to have a point? It seemed like a good idea and Mother Nature was cool with it, so what's the problem, exactly?"

"It's just...odd. What is the purpose of it? What is the purpose of you? Ahuizotl is Lord of the River and makes sure the stream flows fast and strong, I make things disintegrate so there's room for other things, and I make deformity and mutations so that not everything can grow strong and there's balance in the world. What do you do?"

"I can make mutations too."

"Yes but your mutations never stay in one place. They're always changing. Nothing's ever static with you. I don't get some of the rubbish you come up with. Why did you give those tree frogs so much poison when they're so tiny? Why did you make so many different kinds of beetles? Why give those pink birds with long necks knees that point backwards?"

"I...I thought you would like that, since your feet point backwards too," I said.

"But the worst thing," continued Xolotl, "is that you can't control those ridiculous emotions of yours. One minute you're shrieking with joy and the next you're a total, total bastard."

Now I felt angry.

"You're a bastard too, in every sense of the word!"

Xolotl barked with laughter.

"Cute. But it won't fly, Discord. You are an absolute nightmare to be around. I can never tell from one minute to the next whether you're going to fly off the handle at me and do something weird and crazy."

"When did I do that?" I asked as innocently as I could.

"You know when."

A few days ago Xolotl had been particularly rough with me. The act was pleasant enough, but his huge paw pushing me down on the ground was hurting me and I didn't like it and told him so. He didn't care, so I set his tail on fire and screamed bloody murder at him. Later I sat in the corner crying and begging him not to hate me for it.

"It hurt. What was I supposed to do? Just sit there and take it?"

"Why not?" He grinned horribly at me. "Not like something like you has much chance with anyone else."

"And you do? The last people that came to you went away covered with boils. At least I'm immune to that."

"You really think someone would touch something as freakish as you?"

"So why did you if I'm such a freak?" I snapped in response.

"Because you were convenient," snarled Xolotl. "You have a clever mind and you know where things are. Things that I can destroy. Except now you won't let them stay destroyed. The last time I made something rot you grew new things all over it, flowers and weird fungus. Then there was that time I killed that toucan and instead of letting it stay dead you brought it back and then gave it a giant beak! What is your obsession with beaks? Never mind, it doesn't matter. The point is you've outstayed your welcome.  I don't need your services any more."

He said the word "services" as if it was some dark double entendre and I knew what that implied. My heart sank.

"But..." I said, the tears now streaming unchecked down my face, "I love you."

Even saying those words hurt. They were tainted with pain and yet I still felt desperately attached to the idea of Xolotl wanting me around.

The next thing I said made me feel so pathetic I wanted to kick myself.

"I thought we were friends."

Xolotl's cruel barking laugh echoed off the trunks of the giant silk cotton trees surrounding us.

"Is that what you called our little arrangement? Maybe you're not as smart as I thought you were."

He moved closer to me, his rows of teeth gleaming in the dim forest light. His eyes raked up and down my body.

"But you did have your...uses."

Before I could even think about bolting away he was on me, and I was struggling to fight him off. I tried to use magic but for some reason I felt frozen. Nothing was working.

Make his fur fall off I thought. Set it on fire. Make hailstones drop on his face.

But nothing would happen.

I realized with horror that my magic wasn't working and instinctively tried to claw and bite my way out of Xolotl's grasp. I sank my teeth into his paw but he just laughed at me and pushed me down on the ground so hard that I thought my jaw bone would snap.

"You think anyone cares, Discord?" he sneered at me as I struggled. "No one does, and that's why before I get rid of you, I'm going to take something to remember you by..."

I screamed.

"Discord...Discord! Wake up, you're having a nightmare."

I thrashed out at the air with my paw and realized I was in Fluttershy's cottage. I sat up, my heart pounding as I tried to get my breathing under control.

Fluttershy ran over to the bed, climbed up and embraced me softly.

I froze in response.

Ever since the flu the Tatzlworm had given me, I'd been having nightmares. Sometimes they were about being trapped in my stone prison again. I would feel like I was suffocating as the darkness closed in and I couldn't move or speak; yet inside my head I was screaming and screaming.

Lately the nightmares had been about my time with Xolotl. What was truly disturbing about the dreams was that instead of being random images my subconscious brain threw up, it was like I was reliving the past verbatim. The only thing that had been different was Xolotl trying to take me by force when I left.

I shuddered.

Fluttershy squeezed me in response.

"There, there," she cooed. "It was all a dream and you're awake now and we can talk about it if you want, but if you don't want to I'll understand that too. If you want I can make us both some hot cocoa and we can stay awake for as long as you need."

I looked around the bedroom with the soft lighting and warm throws and covers.

Very, very slowly, I felt the tension in my body relax and I buried my snout in her mane and embraced her. Even after a scented bubble bath, she still smelt faintly of grass; testament to how much time she spent outside with her animals--and unlike other pegasi she spent most of her time on the ground. She was so strange.

She felt so soft and nice.

Could I trust her? Could I really? Couldn't I easily go back into stone if I upset her? Wasn't she just doing this so Celestia and Luna could have their cake and eat it too?

I felt the soft fur of her cheek on the side of my face.

She made me feel...wanted.

Maybe I could. Just for a little while.

Nothing is static.