"And such are little colts made of."
The walls buzzed slightly as the bell in the hallway went off. The purple mare in front of the blackboard paused mid-sentence, and she could barely get a word in before two dozen foals cheered as one and rushed for the door.
Cheerilee smiled as she watched them go. Ah, the wonders of youth, she thought. First ever day at school, and they can barely sit still...
While her students were busy storming down the hall to get outside, the teacher walked back to her desk and got out some papers she had to take care of. Dipping her quill in the inkwell, she gave a pleased sigh as she filled out the dotted lines for the latest group of children brought under her care.
Featherweight... Silver Spoon... Twist... Sweetie Bel—
The quill paused in her hoof, and she frowned, her ears perking up. Compared to how loud it was when the foals left the building, the yard now seemed unusually quiet. She waited for a few seconds, listening intently, but no distinct noise came from beyond the walls.
Closing the folder she had been working with, Cheerilee got up and approached her window, eyes narrowing from the brightness outside. The swings, seesaws, and other playground items all stood empty as they baked under the blazing sun. Not a single soul was anywhere near them. The mare gasped, and her gaze darted back and forth in panic, only for her to give a sigh of relief when she noticed a colorful crowd at the far end of the yard.
A small, slightly puffy colt with orange mane and blue coat stood on top of a tree stump, the rest of the class gathering around him. His grin got wider as the herd grew, and he waved and called eagerly for the more hesitant ones to fall in. Raising an eyebrow, Cheerilee reached for the handle and quietly cracked the window open, just in time to catch some of the child's banter.
"...so there I was, waiting... and waiting..." he said. His voice was high-pitched and slightly raspy, and his hooves kept making quick and dramatic gestures to increase the tension. "And she sat down, and the bubblegum got stuck to her butt, so when she got back up, I grabbed a stick and started poking her cutie mark..." He had to pause and giggle a bit. "And I said: 'Hey! Your mark is bubbles! Ya should blow a bubble with that bubblegum from your bubble butt!'"
He reared up, holding his snout and forelegs high, a wide grin on his face. His eyes darted back and forth, no doubt expecting a wild reaction. The children all just stared at him.
"You're stoopid," a voice finally emerged. Some of the others chuckled. It was the only thing to get a laugh out of anypony. The rest just shook their heads or blinked in confusion.
Cheerilee watched the scene curiously. The colt on the stump did not even look sad or angry, just confused. The herd he had gathered slowly drifted away, and the playground soon returned to its natural state: filled with restless children that ran about and hollered non-stop. The teacher was about to close the window and head outside to help the defeated colt, but she froze when she noticed something odd.
One foal had stayed behind: a tall, slender colt with half-lidded eyes and a vapid grin on his face.
"Heh heh... You're kinda funny!"
His voice was much lower, not to mention sluggish compared to the sharp, rapid-fire babbling of the other kid. He even stomped with his hooves a few times, the limbs just as slow and deliberate as his speech.
I do hope his head doesn't work at the same speed... Cheerilee thought.
The other colt hopped off the stump and gave a hesitant smile. "R-really? Ya mean it?"
"Yyeeaahh!" The tall one laughed. "I dunno why, but... I get the laughies when you talk."
"Wow, cool!" The shorter colt laughed with him. "Ya know, yer kinda funny too!"
"Yeahhh!" His companion blinked, jaw dropping in confusion. "Wait... Huh?"
"Hahaha! See! That's what I mean! That's funny!"
"Ohhhh... I get it. Heh-heh..."
"Haha, yeah!"
The two colts spent the rest of the break just talking to each other and laughing. Cheerilee watched them the whole time, fascinated by their slow bonding. She winced when the bell went off again and hurried back to her desk to put away the unfinished papers. Seconds later, the once lively herd of foals slowly trudged back inside and took their seats.
A smile tugged on her lips, and she made quick mental notes as some of the children did not return to the same seats as before. Diamond Tiara and Silver spoon were now next door neighbors. Twist and Apple Bloom did the same. A few of the more athletic types huddled together as well. Meanwhile, toward the back, a familiar pair of giddy colts dragged their desks next to each other.
"Welcome back, class!" Cheerilee said with a wide smile. "Now that we have introductions out of the way, what say we do a bit of math?"
Everypony groaned and hung their heads. The teacher chuckled.
"Ah, not excited by numbers? Okay..." She tapped her chin, feigning deep thought. "Hmm... Oh! And what if we do some math... while playing a fun game?"
The children immediately lit up and erupted into cheers. Cheerilee laughed again and waved her hooves to make them settle down. Toward the back, the small colt from before leaned over to his taller companion, hoping the teacher would not notice from all the commotion. She did, but pretended she did not.
"Pssst!" He waved at his new friend. "Hey! I never even asked: what's your name?"
"Duhhh..." The other one blinked. "Snails. And, uh... you?"
He held out his hoof with a grin, and the shorter one reached out to bump it. "Snips."
"What is the meaning of this?"
The colts who stood nearby yelped and quickly scurried away, pretending not to have been watching and giggling the whole time. Snails watched them go with the same vapid smile that he always wore. He was barely fazed by Cheerilee's fury, even as she marched up to him and tore the box of matches from his grip.
"Are you out of your mind, Snails?" she said. Her nose wrinkled when she got a whiff of his "release" from a few moments ago. "You could get seriously hurt if you try something like this! What if you set something on fire? Or worse: what if it burns back, and your flank would be..." She trailed off, struggling to come up with a delicate way to say it.
"Heh-heh..." Snails just kept smiling at her. "Would I, uh... have baked bads in my butt?"
"That's enough! Ugh..." Cheerilee groaned, her hooves rubbing her temples. "I don't want to go into it, and it doesn't matter anyway." She frowned and pointed to the school. "Detention. Today. No excuses. Such reckless behavior, and in front of the whole class too. Last thing I need is for the others to try something like this..."
A panicked shout came from behind her, and she sighed, not even bothering to look. "And you can put that rock down, Snips."
The colt froze in the middle of his throw, while a stallion at the windows covered his head with his forelegs, almost falling off his ladder. The frame behind him had half the panes missing, while the rest still had the stickers on them to show they were fresh replacements.
"Yes, I know what you want," Cheerilee went on. "Yes, I know you two did all the other ones too. Yes, you're going to detention with him. You can even get the same room."
"Yesss!" Snips dropped his rock and stomped his hooves proudly, while the stallion breathed a sigh of relief.
The teacher gave a malicious grin. "Oh, don't get too comfortable. You won't be laughing so much once you find out just how many chores I have for you, starting with the books in the library. The poor things all got lost, and you'll have to help them find their way back..."
"Heh-heh... Can we just burn them?" Snails suggested.
"Yeah!" Snips said with a laugh. "If they're all ashes, they'll look the same, so we can just pile 'em all up!"
Cheerilee's grin faded, and she facehoofed. "Never mind!" she snapped. "Let's just get going."
With that, she led them across the yard back toward the school, while the foals nearby chuckled and whispered to each other, pointing their hooves at the two troublemakers.
"Heh, look at them. Messing about, as usual..."
"Gosh, those two are just total doofuses..."
"Come on, what do you expect? They're colts."
"Hey! I'm a colt too, but I'm not stupid."
"At least they'll get what's coming to them..."
"Aww, come on! I think they're kinda funny."
"Yeah... if you're two years old, maybe..."
But the pair did not seem to notice, or they just did not care. Snips merely winked at his friend along the way, and Snails grinned in response.
The doors opened. Everypony inside piped down and turned to look. Hoofsteps rang out on the wooden floor and echoed throughout the now silent chamber as a tall and handsome stallion calmly emerged from the opening. He glanced around for a moment and approached an empty table up front.
It was indeed a sight to behold. From top to bottom, he was dressed in the finest garments available to the Canterlot elite. His orange coat and blue mane were barely noticeable with the fine iron horseshoes, the black silk suit, and the designer top hat grabbing all the attention. He kept his snout in the air, a regal expression on his face, and his legs made fancy arcs in the air as they moved. Every inch of him – his elegant pose, expensive clothes, and graceful motions – all screamed about his posh status.
The gentlecolt sat down at the table, adjusted his suit, and his forehoof lifted up to tap on the wood impatiently. He then checked his watch, and after half a minute had passed, he cleared his throat loudly, the crowd around him holding its breath.
"Comiiing!"
A piercing, raspy voice came in response, making everypony cringe. They turned to look at the other end of the chamber, where a short and stout pony in a dirty and wrinkled waiter's outfit scrambled toward the table of the new guest.
"So, what'll you have, huh?" He spoke in short, cheerful bursts between gasps for breath. "Did ya already decide? Hey! Guess what? We have a super-special menu today! It's got, uh... hay fries with some ice cream on top! Or maybe sprouts? They're only two weeks old, but you can have a discount!"
One could almost touch the tension in the air as the annoying waiter kept going on and on. Finally, after what seemed like an hour of reciting the endless and ridiculous menu, he went silent, grinning widely as he waited for a response. Everypony looked at the fine stallion in anticipation, who had not moved a muscle this whole time. His snout sill high, he glanced at the waiter nonchalantly and sighed.
"Yyeaahhhh," he brayed. "I'll have the sooper-speshul menure, thanks!"
That was the final straw. The moment his face twisted into a silly grimace, and his voice reached their ears, the audience erupted into laughter.
"Excellent!" the waiter said without skipping a beat. He then turned around and called out to the imaginary cooks. "One super-special with extra manure!"
"Oh wow, great!" the gentlecolt said happily. "I've been reeaally hungry, and I ate all the crayons back home..."
Every word from the exquisite stallion's mouth, each one in the same ridiculous voice, made the outbursts of the audience more and more intense. Everypony laughed, stomped, and hollered, some of them close to falling out of their seats. Meanwhile, those onstage seemed oblivious to their reaction, although if one were to look closely enough, they might see a twitch or two as the pair struggled to hold back their own laughter.
Only one pony managed to stay calm amidst the roar. The purple mare just smiled, and her eyes narrowed as she focused on these subtle details on their faces.
"Add some crayons too!" the waiter shouted. "Extra sprinkles! Hold the pineapple!"
"Huhhh?" The guest blinked. "PIE-napple? Heh... I looove pie!" He let his jaw hang limply, making him drool.
"Extra pineapple then! In fact, make it a whole pineapple pie!"
Cheerilee permitted herself a small chuckle and leaned back.
Looks like you two didn't get bored of this nonsense after all... she thought and sighed happily. What did I always tell you? "You might as well go join the circus"?
She glanced at the ticket in her hoof, which featured the name of the show in big, bold letters:
THE CANTERLOT NATIONAL THEATER
proudly presents:
SNIPS & SNAILS
(and Puppy Dogs' Tales)
Well, I guess I was close enough...
She chuckled to herself again, and as the pair finished their act, she stomped her hooves a few times, a modest addition to the roar around her. The two stallions walked up to the edge of the stage with a wide grin, held each others' forelegs, and gave a dramatic bow. The cheers got louder, only to turn into a collective gasp when Snips reared up, and Snails leaped onto his friend's outstretched forelegs.
Everypony stood up, stomping and cheering for the magnificent duo. Cheerilee stayed in her seat. She glanced at her ticket again and flipped it around, where a few lines in familiar hoofwriting and a pair of signatures could be seen. Around her, the audience erupted in laughter once more as the stallions "lost their balance", stumbled their way off the stage, and a loud crashing noise came from behind the curtains.
