Sixty-Eight Reasons to Switch Placebos This Summer

by TheMessenger

Rating: everyone
Tags: Princess Luna, Comedy, Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle, Discord, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 6254

Sometimes, you don't need the Spirit of Chaos making chocolate rain clouds to turn daily life at the palace upside down. Sometimes, all you need is a princess giving birth. A kilala97 story.

Celestia's week has not been fun. First, her younger sister decides she's in no condition to rule and steals her job, then Discord disappears on her when she needs him most, and now she's stained her favorite bed sheets. Could this week get any worse?

But hey, at least that means the pregnancy's almost over. Soon, she'll be cradling her newborn baby, covering him or her with kisses and nuzzles as Luna, Twilight, and Discord watch beside her, waiting for their turn to hold. Everything'll go smoothly, her personal doctors will make sure of it. Childbirth's a breeze when you're a princess.

Right?

Written for the kilala97 Fun Fact contest.

Cover art by kilala97.

Published 2015-03-06 20:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-03-06 20:40:02 UTC

Pregnant pony princess puts palace in problematic predicament.

Pregnant pony princess puts palace in problematic predicament.

There was much Princess Luna owed her sister. For her horrendous crimes against Equestria, a thousand years of isolation was a light slap on the hoof, and when she had returned, even after all Luna had done that very night, Princess Celestia had welcomed her home with a sisterly embrace she refused to accept as deserved. When she had returned from her banishment, Celestia had prepared the most magnificent room with the prettiest blue curtains and the softest mattress with silk sheets instead of a dank, dirty dungeon cell. She had even prepared a warm bath and helped her wash the remains of moon dust off her coat. And she had talked, oh heavens above, Celestia had talked to her, apologized even for not realizing the younger sister's pain, making promises that this time everything would be different.

Ponies weren't always exactly welcoming toward Luna at first, but at least they were more shy and cautious rather than hostile and hateful, and for that, Luna was grateful. Nightmare Moon was nothing more than an old mare's tale, but Luna decided that it was better to be forgotten completely than remembered as a monster, and so she indebted herself to Celestia, for taking away the hate and for helping her settle into this new Equestria.

Now as she listened to the pair of stallions in ties and jackets bicker in front of her, doing her best to contain her yawns, the Princess of the Night figured that that debt had been paid in full. Making sure that her petitioners were more focused on insulting each other than her, she turned to the old bearded stallion seated beside her. The stallion shook his head and reached into his robe, pulling out a large gold watch with a chain. Wordlessly, he tapped on the watch twice before returning it into his pocket.

This time, Luna didn't bother hiding her sigh. She ignored the old stallion's pursed lips, too tired to care. Two more hours until recess. Two more hours of zoning disputes and traffic laws discussions and whatever the two ponies below her were arguing about, something about onion prices. Then she could have a ten minute break, followed by another four hours of Day Court, then enough time for a light supper, to check up on Celestia, and a half hour nap before returning to the throne room for Night Court and guarding the dreams of her little ponies. If there was time after all that, maybe she could start on that mountain of documents she had to look over for approval.

A knock at the door drew Luna out of her thoughts. Even the arguing ponies became quiet as a young mare, dressed in a standard palace maid uniform, entered with a trolley. "Coffee, Your Highness and esteemed guests?" she said nervously, keeping her head low as the bearded stallion glared at her. Luna's brow furrow as she tried to remember the mare's name. She was one of the newer additions to the staff, what was her name?

"Not necessary," the old stallion next to her declared with a sniff. "Honestly, interrupting Day Court to--"

"Poppy Seed!" Luna suddenly exclaimed, causing everypony, even the stoic guards on duty, to jump.

"Y-y-yes, Your Highness?" the mare stuttered.

"Bring me a cup posthaste, good mare. And," Luna continued, sniffing at the air, "is that the scent of Black Forest chocolate cake in the air?"

"Yes, Princess Luna," Poppy said, nodding her head quickly. "Would you like a slice?"

"I am certain the princess can wait for recess," the advisor said coolly. To his credit, he didn't completely wither under Luna's glower. He turned to the petitioners. "Please continue, Sir Layers, I believe you have the floor."

"Well actually--"

Another knock interrupted court. This time, a pegasus wearing a gold chest plate adorned with a blue star in the center stepped inside. The guard swept off his helmet, cleared his voice, and announced loudly, "Presenting Her Royal Highness, the ever lovely and most wonderful Princess Twilight Sparkle!"

A bit much, Sir Sentry Luna thought to herself as a blushing Twilight entered Day Court. She quickly noted the young princess's attire, or rather, her lack of one. Luna wasn't the only one as the old stallion's glasses slipped off as he gasped and gaped.

"P-P-P-Princess Twilight Sparkle," he cried, throwing his hooves over his eyes. "Please, cover yourself!"

"Cover myself?" Twilight said, confused. "Oh, right, my crown." Light radiated from her horn, and suddenly a golden circlet sat on her head. "Is that better?" she asked, rolling her eyes.

The old stallion took out a handkerchief and wiped his brow. "Yes, thank you, Princess Twilight Sparkle."

"Princess Twilight!" Luna suddenly shouted. Again, everypony leapt. "How absolutely wonderful it is to see you at this very hour. Come, there is much we must discuss in private! Day Court is adjourned until further notice!"

"But--" the advisor began.

"The fate of Equestria may be at stake, and you want to discuss crop prices?" Luna said, cutting him off. "Begone, all of you, NOW!"

For the first time in ages, the Canterlot Royal Voice rang through the halls of Equestria's court. Ponies scampered toward the exit, bumping into each other as they ran. "But leave the cart!" Luna quickly added at the maid, who curtsied before shutting the door behind her. Now, only the two alicorns occupied the room.

"Was that really necessary?" Twilight asked, frowning disapprovingly.

As she made her way to Poppy Seed's trolley, Luna winced. Though she was older and a more experienced princess by a great margin, Luna had always respected Twilight Sparkle. After all, she was the one who united the Elements of Harmony and cleansed her of Nightmare Moon's hold. She was the one who had helped her on her first Nightmare Night celebration win Ponyville's hearts. Yes, Luna had to admit, she owed Twilight almost as much as she owned Celestia.

"Another hour of that, and I might've gone mad," Luna said lightly. She poured out two cups of black coffee. "We know what a jealous alicorn can do, who knows what an insane one could do to Equestria, so perhaps saying the fate of Equestria is at stake wasn't entirely a hyperbole. How do you take your coffee?"

"Cream please." Twilight accepted the offered cup and took a sip. "Come on, Day Court couldn't have been that bad."

"Perhaps, but for the past week I have had a total of two hours of sleep," Luna grumbled tiredly as she drained her own mug before refilling it. "Adding my sister's duties to my own has not been an easy task. I've hardly had a moment to myself, so please forgive me for this display of weakness. Your intervention was most appreciated. I needed some reprieve."

"Well then, happy to help, I guess," Twilight said, taking another sip of coffee. "Sorry I couldn't come earlier. I meant to visit last week when I heard about what happened to Celestia, but, well..." She lowered her gaze to the floor.

"We understand, Princess Twilight," Luna assured. "Your duties in Ponyville must be keeping you very busy."

"Doesn't mean I shouldn't make time for my friends." Twilight set the cup down. "Is Celestia alright? Did she really faint in the middle of a public forum?"

"She did, and even then we couldn't convince her to take leave," Luna said, rolling her eyes. "Celestia nearly broke into hysterics when we forced her to bed, accused me of stealing her throne and screaming about the return of Nightmare Moon."

Twilight gasped. "She didn't, she wouldn't!"

"She did, and a minute later she apologized most dramatically, sobbing and getting tears and drool in my fur, trying to convince me that I was the good sister." Luna sighed. "And then it was back to the accusations."

"Wow, I mean, I knew dramatic mood swings were common, but I never thought Princess Celestia would, I mean..." Twilight shook her head. "I mean, it's Princess Celestia, I can't imagine her acting so crazy."

"Indeed, never mind her recent diet. I believe our entire dear kitchen staff is on the brink of resigning. There are only so many deep fired pickles and garlics they can lather with chocolate sauce and ketchup before they break."

"But isn't Discord helping?" Twilight asked, trying her best not to gag at the mention of fried pickles covered in chocolate. "That sounds like something he'd make for a snack. He should be doing something to help out at least. I mean, it's his foal after all."

Luna tossed her head and snorted. "Discord, helpful? Ha! He's tried, but we're lucky if he sticks to a job for more than an hour. When we decided Celestia was in no condition to run Day Court, Discord was quick to volunteer. The evening after his first day, I awoke to find my entire room wallpapered with letters of resignation. Responsibility and Discord are like oil and water, they don't mix. I'd be worried for my new nephew or niece if I wasn't so worried about my own health."

"Isn't that a little harsh?"

"Remind yourself who we're talking about," Luna said. She reached for the dispenser and tired to pour herself another cup. When only enough coffee to cover the cup's bottom came out before the dispenser released a hiss of air, Luna scowled. "I haven't seen hide or hair of Discord since, heavens know what hedonistic lands he's disappeared off to."

A snicker whistled through the room. Luna raised an eyebrow at Twilight, who quickly shook her head. The laugh grew louder and louder, until chuckles bounced all along the walls and against the stained glass windows. Twilight and Luna shared a look, and they sighed in unison.

"I'm sorry, but there's something utterly hilarious in hearing you describe Fluttershy's quaint little cottage as hedonistic." There was a thoughtful hum before the voice continued, saying, "Well, a few of her rodents do play cards. I swear, that bunny's a cheater."

Luna looked down into her cup. She narrowed her eyes. "Hello Discord," she said, "I honestly wasn't sure we'd be seeing you again."

"Ah, dear sis-in-law," the draconequus purred as he pulled himself out of the mug and grew to his full length, "is it winter already, or have you been taking your coffee chilled?" Discord snapped his fingers and caught a towel as it flew by like a bird. "Oh, and hello Twilight," he added as he dried himself. "You should seriously consider visiting Fluttershy more often, we've been by our lonesomes all week."

"You were at Fluttershy's this entire time?" Twilight exclaimed as Luna rolled her eyes and muttered under her breath. "What about Celestia? Why weren't you here with her? What were you doing at Fluttershy's? Why didn't she tell me you were there?"

"So many questions," Discord said, holding up his arms as if to physically keep Twilight's inquires at bay. "If you had asked dear Fluttershy how your old pal Discord was doing, I'm sure she would have told you where I was. As for why..." Discord rubbed the back of his head and turned away. "I kind of needed a little break."

"You, needed a break?" Luna said, frowning.

"Yeah. Never thought I'd ever say this, but I kind of had to get away from all the chaos around here," Discord admitted.

"You needed a break from chaos?" Twilight asked as Luna's eyes widened in surprise, breaking her cold facade.

"Between the mood swings and the nagging and demands and Celestia giving me all these mixed messages and the whole you're-going-to-be-a-father-but-you're-totally-not-ready thing, I'd say this place was more hectic than anything I could have done," Discord grumbled, crossing his arms over his chest as he sat beside Twilight. "So yeah, I needed a break, needed somepony to talk to, somepony to vent a bit about feelings and other icky matters and saying the L word a whole bunch while drinking copious amounts of tea." He sighed. "So yeah, I'm back, full of tea, guilt, and apologies. How's..."

Discord trailed off and bit his lip. He took a deep breath. "How's my w-w-wife?"

Luna shuddered. "Could you have sounded any more pathetic?"

"I thought it was pretty cute," giggled Twilight. "Aw, Discord's acting all wovey-dovey, I wish I had a recorder."

The draconequus groaned. "Ladies, please? My machismo at a record low already, and that's including all the times I wore that filly scout costume."

"Sorry, Discord," Twilight said with a smile. She turned to her fellow princess and prompted her with a nod.

"I apologize as well, I suppose," Luna said with exaggerated reluctance. Suddenly she grinned. "Then again, what's a little teasing between relatives?"

A smile broke across Discord's face, and he pulled both alicorns into an embrace. "Ah, it's good to be back home," he laughed as the two mares struggled in his hold. "Let's go see Celestia, I bet she's dying to see me!"

"More or less," Luna said, going limp in Discord's arms as the trio floated out of the throne room and through the long corridor. She waved her hoof at the guards patrolling the halls, ordering them to lower their weapons. "If she wasn't crying or apologizing or snarling, she was screaming for you. Honestly, I've heard your name so often this week it hardly has any meaning left."

Discord blinked and his smile grew. "So dear Celestia's been missing me, huh?"

"Don't look so pleased, half of the times she wanted to know where you were so she could castrate you."

"And the other half?"

"That's when she was uncharacteristically amorous," Luna said, squirming uncomfortablely.

A bright blush painted over Twilight's features. "Towards you?" she asked.

"What, no!" Luna exclaimed, also beginning to blush as Discord snickered.

"Well then, looks like I got here just in time," Discord declared with pride as the three stopped in front of a pair of large doors, their frames decorated with solar symbols and images with a carved replication of Celestia's cutie mark at the very top. Unceremoniously dropping Twilight and Luna, he snapped his fingers and produced a bouquet of uniquely colorful flowers before kicking open the doors. "Honey, I'm home!" Discord announced as he stepped forward.

A scream flung the draconequus out of the room and into the adjacent wall. Luna and Twilight winced, first at the shrill shriek, then at the crunch Discord made as his body folded over like an accordion. Cautiously, Luna entered the room.

"Dear Sister?" she said. "Is everything well?"

Celestia slowly lifted her head from the pillow. Her colorful mane no longer flowed freely like a morning breeze; instead, it clung to her face, matted with sweat. "W-where's Discord?" she breathed raggedly as she tried to remove herself from under the comforter.

Discord slithered out from beneath Celestia's bed and appeared by her side. "Surprise," he said, leaning for a kiss. "Miss me?"

The princess scowled and pushed her husband away. "It's coming," she whispered with a pained wince. Her grasp on the blanket tightened.

"What's coming?" Discord asked, setting a paw over Celestia's hoof. "The brutish? Winter? The chosen one?"

"Our baby, you idiot!" Celestia cried. Her back arched and her head rolled to the side, staining the pillow with tears. "Ah!"

"Our baby?" Discord's eyes grew wide. "Our baby!" he cheered, pumping a fist in the air. "Yes, I'm gonna be a daddy, I'm gonna be a--"

A well swung cushion swiftly silenced the singing draconequus. "Shut up and help me!" Celestia screamed, tearing the pillow in half and releasing a storm of feathers.

"We need to get you to a hospital immediately," Luna said, lighting her horn. A similar glow covered Celestia's body. "Twilight Sparkle, I require your assistance."

"Of course." Twilight's horn began to shine as well, and a layer of violet coated the blue glow. Slowly, the two alicorns raised Celestia out from her covers. She had been lifted maybe a few centimeters off the bed before Celestia shrieked. As her limbs waving about frantically, her own horn became bright, and suddenly a flock of pillows swooped down and attacked Luna and Twilight. Celestia fell back into bed with a groan as the two younger princesses ducked their heads and ended the spell.

"It hurts," Celestia moaned, grabbing at her bulging belly.

"We can't move her like this," Twilight said, her voice strained with panic. "What should we do, move the bed?"

"It won't fit through the door, never mind trying to maneuver it through the castle," Luna answered with a thoughtful frown.

"Teleporting?" Twilight suggested. Her ears flattened as Luna shook her head.

"Have you ever tried teleporting a mare bearing a child?"

"Well, no," Twilight admitted.

"Neither has anypony else, and I'd rather not test it on my own sister and her unborn child."

"Well we have to do something." Twilight turned to where Discord had fallen after being struck. "Discord, do you have any--Discord, where are you going?"

Luna turned as well and frowned as she saw what Twilight saw. "You're running away, now?" she asked the draconequus at the door.

"I'm going to get help," Discord said, ripping the doors off their hinges. "Where's Dr. What's-His-Face?" he asked as he stared down both corridors.

Luna opened her mouth and drew in a breath to speak. When she had finished registering the question, she closed it. "Pardon?"

"You know, that doctor who's a doctor in charge of all the other doctors that--the guy who deals with all of Celestia's health things and--her personal doctor!" Discord said at last, throwing his arms over his head.

"What are you talking about?"

"That's a great idea," Twilight said, running to Discord's side. "Celestia's personal medical staff would be perfect. Who else would know how to take care of the princess better than her own doctors?"

"Personal--what in Equestria are you--"

"I know, I'm a genius," Discord said smugly, rubbing a paw against his chest. Another scream from the bed sent him tumbling back to earth. "W-where is he anyways? I mean, he has to know Celestia's pregnant, all of Equestria does, why isn't he here right now?"

"Because he doesn't exist!" Luna shouted. "Celestia does not have a personal doctor."

The surprise that painted Discord's face quickly vanished as he recovered. "Then what about yours?"

"I don't have my own personal doctor."

"You don't?" Twilight exclaimed, her shock much more apparent.

"Why would we ever need to have our own private physicians?" Luna demanded. "We do not fall to illness, our wounds heal faster than any medicine can travel through veins, and taking away formidable healers for our personal sake would steal from the very ponies we're sworn to protect. Why would you ever assume we'd have our own personal doctors?"

Discord and Twilight hung their heads in embarrassment and kicked at the floor. "It seemed like a princess-y thing to do," Discord mumbled.

"What about the castle staff?" Twilight suggested. "There must be someone in charge of taking care of them."

"True," Luna said, nodding. Twilight's face fell, however, when Luna began to frown. "But I sincerely doubt that the staff nurses, capable as they are, are equipped for this sort of situation." She winced as Celestia started to scream again. "But at this point any help will be appreciated. Who knows, perhaps we will be surprised."

"Then we should also check the barrack sick bay," Twilight said. "Maybe the medics can help too."

"Very good, Twilight," Luna said. "I will visit the staff infirmary, you will go to the barracks."

"What about me?" asked Discord. Shoulder pads suddenly appeared over his back, underneath a blue and white sports jersey. "Come on, coach, put me in. Oh, I could--"

"DISCORD!" Celestia howled. A bright golden light sudden illuminated the outline of the draconequus's body.

"GuessI'lljustkeepCelestiacompanybye!" he managed to say before being yanked towards the bed. Twilight and Luna left the room and hurried down the hall. With a nod of understanding, the two separated, with Luna turning right and Twilight disappearing with a bright flash. She barreled through the castle, ignoring the looks the occasional maid or steward gave her.

Just as she was about to turn, a yawning stallion, one of her own night guards, appeared. The two collided in a messy pile of legs and wings.

The stallion lifted his head and groaned. Slowly, he got to his feet and stretched his leathery wing. "What's the big idea?" he grumbled, glaring at the pony that ran into him. His scowl vanished, and his face suddenly paled as he watched Princess Luna stretch out her own wings, giving them a quick flap to check for injury. "P-Prin--"

He cleared his throat and adopted a cheeky smile. The stallion ran a hoof though his mane, straightening it. "Why, hello there, my lovely princess," he purred. "Were you really so happy to see me that--"

"Captain Supernova!"

Supernova leapt to attention and salute. "Ma'am!" he shouted, straightening his back as Luna grabbed his shoulders.

"You are to locate every member of the staff, every cook, every guard, every gardener, every scholar, everyone, and you are to bring them before Princess Celestia's private quarters," Luna commanded. "Tell them this is a direct order from Princess Luna herself and of the most highest urgency." She removed herself from Supernova and prepared to break into another gallop.

"Wait, Pri--Luna, what's going on?"

Luna spared the off-duty guard a glance. "My sister's about to enter labor."

*

Even when ponies tried to make way for her, Twilight struggled to crawl through the crowd that had appeared in front of Celestia's room. Her screams could still be heard, and each one sent a shiver through the entire crowd. Frantic whispers flew here and there, filling the hall wherever ponies dressed in varies different attires, from business suits and ties to tuxedos to the threaded jackets of bespectacled professors, weren't. Even the armored guards and off-duty members of the night watch were scatter about here and there, though Twilight's attention was drawn to a specific guard with golden wings and blue hair.

"Twilight!" Flash called, carefully making his way to the princess. The crowd suddenly shifted and pushed him against Twilight, causing both to blush. "We really need to stop bumping into each other like this."

"I don't think I mind," Twilight said playfully. Her smile vanished, however, as another wail left the room. "What's going on?" she asked. "Why are all these ponies here?"

"Not too sure," Flash replied. "Apparently Princess Luna ordered everypony here, something about forced labor. I just followed the rest of the guards. Know anymore details?"

Twilight shook her head. "No, I--"

A shush echoed through the crowd, followed by silence as Luna stepped our of the room, followed by a group of downcast mares in white caps and aprons. Luna whispered a few words to them, and the mares's faces brightened slightly before they disappeared into the crowd. A few whispers broke through as gossip and rumors continued to spread until the princess cleared her throat. Everypony watched with bated breath as Luna's eyes swept over the mob of ponies in front of her.

"Does anypony here know how to deliver a baby?"

As one, the crowd took a deep breath and exclaimed, "What?"

"Princess Celestia is in labor," Luna announced as calmly as she could. "Is there anypony here who can help deliver her child?"

Panicked mutterings between ponies began anew as chefs and guards and librarians discussed amongst themselves. Several began to shake their heads sadly or shrug with evident reluctance.

"Haven't you read a book on pregnancy before?" Twilight heard one pony say. "You work in a library, for pony sake!"

"Wait, didn't we go over something like this in training?" a guard was saying to his fellows. "No wait, that's CPR."

"My mom's a vet," said another. "Does that count?"

The rumbling in the hall grew louder, and Luna's glower darkened. "SILENCE!" she roared, quieting the crowd. "Now, if there is anypony here that can help, please step forward."

There was much shuffling and movement, but nopony stepped forward. Luna bit her lip, her worry breaking apart her mask of serene authority. A hoof trembled, and she grabbed hold of it to keep it from shaking. She took a deep breath, a calming technique Twilight recognized. "Miss Quill," Luna called out, and a shaking mare with her mane tied in a bun stepped forward.

"Y-yes, Your Highness?" she said.

"Prepare your team and send me a book on this subject," Luna ordered. "And be quick about it, for I've been told I am not a fast learner."

"I'll help too," Twilight suddenly announced. The crowd suddenly parted to the sides, opening a path straight to Luna, and she hurried to the princess's side. "If it's in a book, I'll figure something out."

"You know, my dad always told told me stories about how I was born, maybe that'll help," said one of the chefs.

"We need clean towels, I know that much!" a robed mage said.

"Don't forget the warm water, there has to be a bath nearby."

"I'll find some ethanol, we'll need to sterilize the scissors."

"Has the princess's water broken yet? We have to hurry!"

Luna placed a hoof over her mouth. "If only you could see this for yourself, Sister," she whispered, her voice shaking. As discretely as she could, she wiped her eyes and smiled.

"Yes, it's quite touching isn't?"

The entire hall gasped as Discord appeared beside Luna. The smile Luna wore quickly faded and was replaced with a furious growl. "Where have you been?" she demanded. "Do you know how long it took me to restrain Celestia because you weren't there? This entire time, she's been asking for you! Are you aware of how dire this situation we are in is?"

Discord lifted his arms up defensively. "I know, but as much as I wanted to just sit there and twiddle my thumbs while my wife screams in pain, I figured there were more productive things I could be doing." He stepped to the side and revealed a large octopus-like creature in a blue shirt with a silver upside down V adorning the chest. In its tentacles, it carried a metal briefcase.

"This is Dr. Zxcrqtp," Discord said, gesturing to the alien behind him. "He agreed to be Celestia's doctor for the day for the low low price of a blood sample, a urine sample, and an x-ray scan of a draconquus." Discord patted his own back and cringed. "Oh, and a stem cell donation."

The creature extended a long limb towards the princess. Luna raised an eyebrow at the offered tentacle. Forcing a smile, she hooked her hoof around the creature's arm, trying not to flinch as slime soaked her fetlock. "A pleasure," Luna said. "I am Princess Luna, and this is Princess Twilight Sparkle." Luna gestured to the gaping alicorn beside her. "Why don't the two of you get acquainted with each other while I talk to my dear brother-in-law in private."

The creature gurgled and bobbed its body up and down. As Twilight offered her own salutations, Luna grabbed Discord and pulled him to the side. "Is this some sort of joke?" she hissed, wiping her foreleg on Discord's chest.

"A joke? Please, I have a sense of humor," Discord scoffed. "And don't be so rude. Dr. Zxcrqtp happens to be the greatest doctor this side of the multiverse, with thousands of medical degrees in disciplines that don't even exist here yet."

Stutters escaped Luna's mouth as the princess tried to process what Discord had said. "What?" she finally succeeded in saying.

"You can ask him for proof, but he'll be showing you all his diplomas for days."

"No, I mean--" Luna groaned. "Just, where did you find him?"

"Mirror in the basement," Discord answered with a shrug. "Seriously, you need to do more than just planting a sign that says 'Do not touch' in front of it. That's just asking for somepony to stumbling through it."

"I don't know about this," Luna said, throwing a glance toward Twilight and their visitor as they awkwardly attempted to communicate through gurgles and hoof motions. "This being, it may be an impressive physician from its world, but is it familiar with equine anatomy? And how do you know it can be trusted?"

"I--"

Ears everywhere flattened against skulls as one more shriek rang out that softened into sobs. "--think we're out of time and options," Discord finished, peeking nervously into Celestia's room.

"Agreed. Doctor!" Luna shouted, causing the creature to jump. "You are needed. Right this way."

The alien babbled an affirmative, and heaved the suitcase over its head as it quickly made its way into the room. Luna, Discord, and Twilight followed closely behind, and the crowd slowly melted against the walls along the doorway. As Luna led the doctor to the bed where Celestia laid, hunched over and moaning, Twilight looked around awkwardly. "Maybe I shouldn't be here," she said shyly. At the sound of her old student's voice, Celestia tried to lift herself.

"T-Twilight? Is that you?" she said weakly. At her call, Twilight ran to Celestia's side.

"I'm here, Princess Celestia," Twilight whispered as the doctor opened the suitcase and pulled out a long tripod with a lamp attached to the retractable pole. "Just hold on, okay?"

A bright beam illuminated the princess, revealing her sweat covered face.

"Who are--" Celestia began before gasping and crying out.

"Don't worry, sister, this is a doctor. He, he?" Luna asked, turning to the creature as it continued to remove equipment from the metal case. The alien spared her a nod before taking out and setting up a series of blinking machines that hummed and buzzed. "He's a doctor, and everything's going to be okay."

"Oh thank heavens," Celestia breathed. "Luna, it hurts," she said as the doctor slid a chrome sheet underneath her body and carefully shifted her upright. The alien wrapped his tentacles around the alicorn's legs, securing them safely, then motioned to Luna.

"Is there something you need me to do?" Luna asked as she approached. There was a blurb and a nod, and the doctor pulled Luna's hoof toward her sister's. The younger sister took hold of the limb, tightening her grip around it as she felt Celestia do the same. "I'm right here, everything is fine. You're doing fine."

Twilight grabbed the other hoof. "Come on, Princess, breath. Slow and steady, breath."

"Where's Discord?" Celestia asked, craning her neck. Slowly, without any fanfare, the draconequus stepped into the light. He lifted a paw and gave a little wave and a crooked smile.

"H-hey," Discord said as he moved closer. He walked the length of the room, with one mismatched foot after the other. No floating, no vanishing and reappearing, no slithering like a snake, Discord walked his way to Celestia's side. "You've, uh, you've looked better," he said, laughing nervously. "So, how you holding up?"

"How do you think I'm holding up?" Celestia snapped, tossing her head as her entire body contracted. "Ah!"

"Hang in there," Discord exclaimed, pushing past Luna to make room by Celestia's side. "We're almost done, just a few more seconds and it'll be finished. Don't worry, we're all here, e-everything's going to be okay. I'll even make those chocolate monstrosities you keep eating later."

Gently, Celestia slipped her hoof out of Twilight's grasp and reached toward Discord. "Do you really love me?" she whispered.

"Is this really the time for--yes, I love you, just hang in there, alright?" Discord exclaimed frantically. He grabbed the held out hoof and pulled himself near. His eyes grew wide with panic as he felt her slip away, only to wince as he felt her foreleg tighten around his neck.

"THEN WHY IN TARTARUS DID YOU LEAVE ME HERE ALONE IN THE FIRST PLACE!" Celestia screamed, shaking her lover violently. "YOU'RE ALWAYS LEAVING ME! I SHOULD HAVE NEVER TRUSTED YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE! YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ME AT ALL! YOU LIAR, WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU EVEN KISSED ME? YOU WON'T EVEN LOOK AT ME ANYMORE!"

"C-Cel--," Discord wheezed as he struggled to pull himself free. "Stop--"

"YOU DID THIS TO ME! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! IF I'M GOING DOWN, I'M TAKING YOU WITH ME!"

With a final cry, Celestia's entire body stiffened. Discord's eyes bulged out of their sockets as Celestia's hold around his neck tightened, and foam started to stream from his mouth. She shuddered and sighed, and suddenly her body relaxed. She released Discord, who collapsed onto the floor, twitching. Her screams finally ceased, and their echoes faded away. The only sounds for Luna and Twilight to hear were Celestia's long unsteady breaths, the gurgles from the doctor, and an unfamiliar wail.

The alien doctor drew near, holding the crying foal carefully. He first pointed at the foal, then used two separate limbs to point at himself and at Discord's prone body.

"A boy?" Luna ventured. She smiled as the doctor answered with a nod. "Congratulations, Sister, you have a son."

"Wow," breathed Twilight as she stared. "He looks a lot like you, Princess."

Slowly, Celestia looked up at the foal the doctor had given to Luna before returning to his equipment. The babe shared her coat color and had inherited her muzzle, but the tuff of dark fur on his chest and black hair on his head were not from her. The little tiny horn growing past his right ear was like the offspring of her own long spiraling horn that sprung from her forehead but the crooked one on his left was from his father. The long scaly tail and a paw instead of a hoof were also gifts from Discord.

"He's so beautiful," Celestia whispered, her eyes filling with tears. Luna carefully set the foal next to Celestia, and at her touch, he nestled against her leg.

"He already knows his mother well," Luna said with a smile. "Would you say it was worth the hurt?"

"Every ounce of it," Celestia answered firmly as she dipped her head and nuzzled the foal gently. The peeking audience outside cooed and aww'd, and tissues were passed along. The foal began to squirm, and Luna silenced the crowd with a glare.

"I think it's time we gave Celestia and her little one some privacy," she said, tapping on Twilight's shoulder.

"Huh?" Twilight turned away from her old mentor's foal. "Oh, right. We'll talk later, right?" she asked Celestia as she reluctantly stepped away from the bed. Celestia smiled.

"Of course, my faithful friend," she assured before fighting back a yawn. She lowered her head back against the pillow, pulling her newborn nearer, and sighed.

Luna all but dragged Twilight toward the exit. "Come now," she said, "there is still much to be done. It is over now, go back to your business," the princess added to the crowd, waving at the ponies, directing them to disperse. Their reluctance was obvious, and movement was slow, but eventually the hall became vacant, save for the guards assigned to the area, as the scribes returned to their offices, the cooks to the kitchens, and the gardeners to the yards.

Celestia hardly noticed, too focused on the foal clinging to her chest. With another sigh, she opened her eyes. "Discord, stop laying around and meet our son."

Like a spring, Discord popped up. He reached out toward the foal, only pull the claw back as the child yawned.

"Go ahead," Celestia prompted. "You can hold him."

"You really trust me enough to touch your kid?"

The princess rolled her eyes. "Our kid."

"I might drop him."

"You won't."

Discord took a deep breath and stretched his arms. Gingerly, he cupped the foal with his fingers and slowly lifted him up. "H-hey little buddy," he laughed. "Wow, you really do look like your mom."

The foal suddenly began to wiggle and whimper. "Guess you want your mama," Discord said, setting the baby back beside Celestia. "You know, we still have to decide on a name."

"Later, I'm too tired to think right now," Celestia murmured. "Everything looks so cloudy, it feels like I'm stuck in a dream or an illusion, I can't tell if this is real." She rested her cheek against the foal's forehead. "No, this is definitely real," she whispered, smiling. Her ears suddenly perked up, and she raised her head. "Where are you going?" she asked.

"Gotta get Dr. Zxcrqtp back home," Discord answered as he dusted off his knees and jerked his head toward the storm of tentacles trying to repack everything back into the suitcase.

"He can wait a few minutes," Celestia insisted, reaching for Discord's arm. He let her drag him onto the bed with her, securing their child between their bodies. Discord ran his claws through the foal's mane and grinned. He removed his hand and started to comb through Celestia's hair. The claw settled firmly against the princess's cheek.

"Hey, Celestia?"

"Hmm?" Celestia hummed.

"Remember what you said about how we don't kiss anymore?"

Celestia blinked. "Did I say that?" she asked. "Sorry, I wasn't myself, the--"

Discord's lips melted against hers, stealing away her breath.

Author's Note

Fun Fact used: Illusion was born in Canterlot Castle and delivered by Celestia's personal doctors (I'm assuming she's got some)

Edited 8 Mar 2015