Employee Training Turns Sour
"Pinkie, dear?"
Pinkie looked up from the tray of cupcakes she was frosting. "Yes, Mrs. Cake?"
Mrs. Cake stood in the doorway that separated the sales counter from the kitchen. "I was hoping you might train a new hire today."
"A new hire?" Pinkie frowned. "I know we're busy and all, but do we really need more help here?"
"It's just to take some of the pressure off you, dear," Mrs. Cake said. "And, well...you do tend to be gone a lot, especially when Princess Twilight needs your help with something..."
Pinkie shrugged. "Yeah, you've got a point there. Okay. Let me finish up here."
"Oh, I'll take over there, dear. Besides, the mare that answered our ad is coming any second now. Her name's Lemon Cookie, and she's from Trottingham."
"Oooh, Trottingham! I only know a few ponies from there!" Pinkie frowned. "She's not...moving into Sugar Cube Corner, is she?"
Mrs. Cake laughed. "Heavens no, dear! She's rented her own place."
"Whew. Okay, leave everything to me!"
It was a relatively slow morning; most ponies were either at work or at the market. The door opened, and a slight, thin-faced yellow mare shuffled in, her gait surly and slouched. She had a long copper mane that was gathered in a messy ponytail, and her tail was unbrushed and unkempt. Pinkie gave her the once-over, and was surprised to discover she lacked a cutie mark. "Good morning!" she said.
The mare looked at her the way a particularly dim dog might look at a train's controls. "A'riight," she drawled.
"Are you Lemon Cookie, the new hire?" Pinkie asked.
"S'pose I am, then," the mare said.
"Well it's nice to meet you! I'm Pinkie Pie! Mrs. Cake asked me to train you."
"Izzit then?"
"Is it what?" Pinkie asked.
Lemon Cookie looked at her like she was stupid and made a particularly condescending noise, then slouched behind the counter. "Right then." She produced a chunk of bubble gum from her saddlebag and began chewing.
The door opened, and two mares walked in. "Alright, Lemon Cookie, watch and learn." As the mares approached the counter, Pinkie greeted them cheerfully. "Hi Lyra, hi Sweetie Drops! What can I get you this morning?"
"Hi Pinkie Pie! I'll have an eclair," Lyra said.
"I just want an oat muffin," Sweetie Drops said.
"One eclair and one oat muffin coming right up!" Pinkie produced the orders promptly, placing each in a separate wax paper bag. "That'll be four bits, please!"
Sweetie Drops paid; the two mares took their order and left.
"And that's all there is to it!" Pinkie said. "Well, except for learning what our menu is, and identifying what we have in stock, and giving special orders to Mrs. Cake or Mr. Cake, and...well, you'll get it. It's pretty easy."
Lemon Cookie slouched against the counter and blew a large bubble. It popped; she sucked the gum back into her mouth and chewed noisily.
The door opened again, and a portly grey unicorn stallion waddled up to the counter. "Good morning!" he bellowed jovially.
"Good morning!" Pinkie called. "Okay, Lemon Cookie, you're up. Take the nice pony's order."
Lemon Cookie rolled her eyes, sighed, and leaned forward. "Whatchoo want, then?"
"I'll have two cherry turnovers and a banana cream tart," the stallion said.
Lemon Cookie looked at the rack of fresh-baked pastries, then back at the stallion. "Ain't you a bit fat, though?"
The stallion frowned. "What?"
"Ain't you, though?" Lemon Cookie repeated. "Don't you want a bran muffin, though?"
"No, young lady, I most certainly do not want a bran muffin!" the stallion said.
Pinkie paled. "I'm terribly sorry, sir. She's new." She quickly rounded up the customer's order. "Here...take it. On the house. I'm so, so sorry."
The stallion gave Lemon Cookie a withering glare, then stormed out with his treats.
Pinkie turned to Lemon Cookie, hooves on her hips. "That was really, really rude!" she said. "You shouldn't say things like that to the customers, ever!"
"But he was fat, though."
"That doesn't matter!"
"But he was fat, though."
"So what?"
"But wasn't he fat, though?"
Pinkie groaned. "Yes! Okay! He was kinda fat. But that doesn't matter! Our job is to serve the customers what they order."
"But he was fat, though."
Pinkie's face turned red and she began issuing steam from her ears. She took a deep breath, let it out, and pasted a smile on her face. "Okay! So I see we're going to have some issues here, but...I think we can move past this and try again!"
Lemon Cookie blew another bubble, popped it, and sat down. "I ain't sellin' nothin' to no fatties, though."
Pinkie sighed. "This is gonna be a looooong day..."
"Innit though."
The door opened again, and a grey pegasus mare with misaligned golden eyes and a blond mane trotted in. Pinkie cringed. "I'll just—"
Lemon Cookie stood up. "Take your order, mum?"
Derpy fluttered her wings. "I'll take two banana nut muffins, two chocolate chip muffins, and two blueberry muffins."
Lemon Cookie looked down at the display case. "We're out of blueberry, though."
"Oh," Derpy said. "Okay, I'll take three each of the other two then."
"But we ain't got three, though."
"Sure you do," Derpy said. "I can see them." Indeed, there were six each of the banana nut and chocolate chip muffins sitting right in front of her.
"Bet you can't, though."
Pinkie facehoofed.
"They're right there," Derpy said, pointing with a hoof.
"Bet they ain't, though."
"No, really, they are!"
Pinkie pulled three banana nut muffins and three chocolate chip muffins out of the display and bagged them up for Derpy. Derpy dropped her bits on the counter. "Is she...?" she asked quietly, making a 'crazy' gesture with her hoof.
"I don't know," Pinkie whispered. "I'm really sorry about this."
As Derpy left, Pinkie turned to stare at Lemon Cookie. "WHAT is your problem?"
"What?"
"So far, you've been really rude to two customers!"
Lemon Cookie rolled her eyes. "So?"
"So why?"
Lemon Cookie shrugged. "I didn't like 'em," she said.
Pinkie's eye twitched. "Well I don't think I like you very much," she said.
Lemon Cookie faced her straight-on. "Am I bovvered?"
"What?"
"Am I bovvered?" Lemon Cookie repeated. She gestured with a hoof at her face. "Is my face bovvered?"
"What?" Pinkie asked, blinking in confusion.
"Are you disrespecting me?" Lemon Cookie asked.
"Look, just..."
"You're disrespecting me," Lemon Cookie interrupted.
"You're rude to everypony!"
"Am I though? But I ain't bovvered though." Lemon Cookie leaned forward aggressively. "Look at my face. Is my face bovvered? My face ain't bovvered. My face ain't bovvered though." She took a step forward, forcing Pinkie to inch backward. "My face ain't bovvered. I ain't bovvered."
Pinkie took a deep breath. "Look...I think we got off on the wrong hoof..."
"Because you're disrespecting me."
"Let's just—"
"I ain't bovvered though."
"STOP SAYING THAT!"
"But I ain't though."
Pinkie threw back her head and let out a scream of frustration. "THAT'S IT!" She turned her back to Lemon Cookie, pawing the ground with a hoof. Coiling her body, she used her full earth pony strength to buck the other mare over the counter and through the wall of Sugar Cube Corner. Lemon Cookie landed in a bruised heap on the other side of the street, drawing stares from various bystanders.
"AND STAY OUT!!" Pinkie roared through the hole.
Lemon Cookie dragged herself to her hooves. "I still ain't bovvered," she muttered before shuffling away.
Author's Note
Lemon Cookie is, of course, based on Lauren Cooper from The Catherine Tate Show.
Although this is marked complete, I might add new skits featuring Lemon Cookie in the future. Also, if you'd like to write a skit with Lemon Cookie, feel free to contact me via PM and let me know. 
