How To Get All the Mares You Ever Wanted (And Some You Didn't): a Guide for Sexy Stallions
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Hearts & Hooves Day for Dummies
How To Get All the Mares You Ever Wanted (And Some You Didn't): a Guide for Sexy Stallions
Author's Note
This is not any of the fics I planned on working on, but I've always had a secret soft spot for these two failboats and then I heard about the Poniverse H&HD contest and somehow, well, this happened 
as always, feedback is much appreciated and I'd love to know your thoughts (if any)! Thanks for reading and happy late Hearts and Hooves Day, everypony~ 
How To Get All the Mares You Ever Wanted (And Some You Didn't): a Guide for Sexy Stallions
"Snails, are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
"I think so, Snips, but last time the monkey bit me."
Sometimes, Snips worried about his best friend. And by "sometimes", he meant "every time he opened his mouth".
"I meant," he explained, "that Hearts and Hooves Day is in three days, and I'm thinking it's time we did something to bag ourselves a couple of sweet young fillies!"
"Oh," Snails said, and there was a long silence while he considered this possibility. "How are we gonna do that, then, Snips?"
"I'm glad you asked, because..."
"Cause we didn't even get any cards last year."
"I know, but..."
"Or the year before that."
"Well, no, but I..."
"Not even one between us -"
"I know, Snails," Snips interrupted, cutting him off with a swift hoof to the mouth, "for some reason, we're just too much for the ladies of Ponyville to handle." He sat down on his rump with a defeated sigh. "I just don't get it - two fine young stallions like us? Charming, funny, talented..."
"Uh - who's this again, Snips?"
Snips chose to ignore him this time. "But just look at us - even Featherweight is getting more tail than us," he grumbled, nodding in the direction of the playground, where the editor of the Foal Free Press was trotting along with two fillies, deep in conversation.
Snails blinked, squinting at him. "But Featherweight only has one tail, Snips."
"And no mare's even spoken to us since the Great and Powerful Trixie."
They both sighed dreamily at the memory. Sure, Trixie had been mean and yelled at them, and once whipped them and made them pull really heavy carts. But she was also really pretty, and sometimes she'd even smiled at them. Well, once. And it might have been at her reflection. But she definitely smiled.
"She said she'd come back for us, remember?" Snips said, hopefully. "That she was gonna make us her Great and Adequate Assistants?"
Snails remembered. He still had a very faint whip mark on his flank, but that had been, like, a really long time ago. "I don't think she's coming back, Snips."
Snips hated it when Snails was right - it was a rare but unsettling occurrence. "Where did we go wrong, Snails?" he sighed in frustration. "We did everything she told us to! I mean, what else could a mare possibly want?"
"I made her pudding," Snails said sadly, his ears drooping.
Snips frowned. "I dunno if it counts if we ate it all before you got to bring it to her."
"Oh, yeah." That memory made Snails grin, perking up and licking his lips. "That was some good pudding."
"It was pretty sweet," Snips admitted, smiling before he remembered the plan and stamped his hoof on the ground for emphasis. "But this is not the time for pudding, Snails! This is the time for action!"
"Aw, can't it be both?" Snails was hungry now.
Snips ignored him again. "And what I was trying to say...is that I have here something that could change both of our very destinies as we know them!" he announced dramatically, Trixie-style, before opening his saddlebag and levitating something out. "Behold!"
It landed on the ground between them with a dull thud, and Snails lowered his head, eyeing the mysterious item cautiously as if it might explode. "It's...a book?"
"This is not just a book, Snails," Snips corrected him. "This is How To Get All the Mares You Ever Wanted (And Some You Didn't): a Guide for Sexy Stallions! Neat, huh?" he added proudly. "I swiped it from my older brother, so it must work because he's dated all the mares at Canterlot College! At least, that's what he told me."
Snails glanced down at the book, where an impossibly muscled stallion was grinning out at them, flexing his startlingly huge forelegs. He was surrounded by a huge crowd of mares, all gazing adoringly up at him with hearts in their eyes.
"But we don't look like that, Snips."
"We don't have to - we just have to do exactly what the book says, and we'll be fighting off the fillies before you know it!" Snips flipped the book around with his magic and pointed to the blurb on the back. "See, it says right here - 'or your money back'!"
"Huh," Snails mumbled, still transfixed by the cover. The stallion, with his piercing eyes and smug, challenging grin, was kinda scary-looking. But then, Snails thought about what it would be like to actually be popular - to have ponies other than Snips actually like him and want to hang out with him, not just to laugh at him. The kind of pony who always got a ton of Hearts and Hooves cards. "I guess that would be nice. Really nice. If it worked."
"Of course it's gonna work - when have I ever steered us wrong before?" Snips declared confidently - then, before Snails could answer, he added hastily, "No, don't answer that! Just shut up and give me a sec..." He started flipping through the book's pages with his magic, brow furrowed in concentration, "while I figure out a plan of action. Then, you know what to do, right?"
Snails nodded - same as all their other plans. "Follow your lead," he said obediently.
Snips was the smartest pony he knew, after all, so what could go wrong?
"It says here," Snips read, levitating the book in front of him as they trotted through the playground, "'mares may talk about wanting a 'nice colt', but what they really mean is they want a total flankhole - no girl can resist a bad boy! So treat 'em mean to keep 'em keen, and you'll soon have her falling at your hooves!'" He smacked his hoof to his forehead at the revelation. "So that's where we've been going wrong! We've been way too nice this whole time - and no filly wants a colt to be nice to her! We need to up our game, Snails."
"Ohhhh, I get it!" Except Snails didn't. "Wait...we get fillies to like us by being mean to them?" He knew he wasn't the smartest of ponies, but that somehow didn't sound right.
Snips nodded. "That's what it says - and why would the book lie to us? But now we know what to do, it's no more Mr Nice Colt! And I say we start right now!"
"Yeah!" Snails agreed happily, all caught up in his friend's enthusiasm. "Right now!" Then Snips stopped, and he stopped. "Right...now?"
"You can start with the next filly who comes along - no time like the present!" Snips declared cheerfully. "Ooh, look - here she comes! Quick, go, go!"
"Go wh - oaaaa!" Snails cried out as he suddenly received a swift headbutt to the rump, propelling him forward. Unprepared, he stumbled and tripped over his own hooves, landing in a painful heap and finding himself looking up into a pair of concerned violet eyes.
"Um, Snails? Are you okay?"
"Uh, hi, Scootaloo." Snails attempted a sheepish smile as he got back on his hooves, twisting his head experimentally to see if it hurt. Scootaloo took a few steps back from him. "I was just wondering..." He glanced over his shoulder back towards Snips for a signal, who winked and gave him a hoofs-up. Snails racked his brain for the meanest thing he could think of to say. "How's it feel to be a pegasus who can't fly?"
Scootaloo's eyes grew wide for a second, then furious, narrowing into a laser-beam death glare as her wings reflexively sprung to attention in defence.
"I don't know," she shot back, "how does it feel to be a unicorn so stupid you can't even chew gum without getting your flank stuck to something?!"
"Hey!" That was uncalled for, Snails thought, but she was already stomping off before he could think of anything to say back. He shrugged and trotted back over to Snips, who didn't look too happy either. "I don't know, Snips, but I don't think she liked that."
"No, no - you did it all wrong, dummy!" Snips headbutted him again in frustration, his horn poking into Snails' side, but it just made him squirm and giggle. "Do I have to do everything around here?"
"Sorry, Snips." Snails shuffled his hooves, feeling guilty. "It all happened so fast..."
"Okay, okay - never mind, first trial, it's all good, still time," Snips muttered, half to himself, as he spotted a filly with a pink coat and curly blonde mane on course to pass right by them. "Just stand back and watch the master," he informed Snails smugly, pushing him back out of sight with a hoof-to-lips "ssh" gesture.
Hastily smoothing down what little mane he had, Snips proceeded to casually trot out right in front of the filly, as though he hadn't even seen her there. Snails watched from the shadows as the two of them collided with a smack that made him wince.
"Hey, watch where you're going!" the filly said indignantly, scooping up her thick black-framed glasses and settling them back on her nose. "You nearly broke my glasses!"
"Sorry about that, good lookin'!" Snips drawled, in a ludicrous fake deep voice that sounded nothing like him - Snails had to press his hoof to his mouth to stifle his laughter. "But with a flank that size, I guess there's just not enough room for little old me!"
He turned back and winked over his shoulder, but seeing the expression on the filly's face, Snails gulped. "But don't you worry about that," his friend continued, oblivious, with a suggestive waggle of his eyebrows, "cause that's just the way I like 'em!"
Snails held his breath, and much like Scootaloo, the filly just stood there for a moment, speechless, as her face started to turn an angry tomato colour. Maybe that was good - blushing was supposed to be good, right? Snips shot him another triumphant look, as his new date took a deep breath and opened her mouth wide.
"MISS CHEERILEE!!!!"
"What's going on over there?"
As Cheerilee glanced over at them from across the playground, Snips panicked. "Abort mission!" he yelped, and galloped as fast as his little legs would carry him back to where Snails was waiting, ready to tug him along. Before Snails had time to process what was going on, Snips ran smack into him, heads colliding painfully so that they ended up he fell over right on top of Snails, limbs flailing uselessly in an attempt to escape. "Abort, abort!"
"I dunno, Snips," Snails replied thoughtfully. "Miss Cheerilee's getting close. And she looks pretty mad."
Snips would have facehoofed, but Snails' hind leg was already jammed there anyway.
"I can't believe it," Snips grumbled, as they sat in detention long after everypony else had gone home. "If only Miss Cheerilee would've given me time to explain, I really think we were onto something there!"
“Mmmmph,” Snails replied through the bitter taste of chalk in his mouth. He didn't know how long he'd been writing I MUST NOT BE INAPPROPRIATE TO FELLOW STUDENTS on the chalkboard, but they weren't allowed to to leave until it was all filled up. Snails wasn't the greatest at long-distance levitation, but if he reared up on his hind legs he was tall enough to reach nearly the top. Still, he thought it might go faster if Snips was actually helping him, instead of sat at his desk studying the Guide for Sexy Stallions like it was his actual homework.
"No, no, no..." he murmured, flipping through the pages past Buy her flowers – that she's allergic to! Ladies love a stallion with a sense of humour! and Hide chocolates in her bed, but don't tell her. She'll love the sticky surprise in the morning! – and then something caught his eye.
“Snails, that's it!" he shouted with glee. "I'm a genius!”
Snails jumped, nearly swallowing his chalk (again). “You are?”
“The book says,” Snips said excitedly, trotting over and helpfully removing the chalk from Snails' mouth with his magic, “that mares are always more interested if they see that other mares are into you too. So, if we get a bunch of Hearts and Hooves cards, all the fillies will be totally jealous and lining up for a piece of our awesomeness!”
“Oh yeah! That'll totally work!” Snails pondered it for a second. “But, Snips, I thought nopony ever sends us cards?"
Snips smiled deviously, rubbing his hooves together. “That's the best part, Snails – we're going to send us cards! We write ourselves a bunch of Hearts and Hooves cards, sneak them into our boxes at school, and then we make sure everypony sees us opening them! Then all the fillies will know that we're hot stuff –" he wiggled his flank, like how he assumed a Sexy Stallion was supposed to, “and they'll be dying to get a piece of the action! It's the perfect plan!”
“Oooooh,” Snails drawled, a slow grin spreading across his face as he got it. “So...our secret admirers are us! You're so smart, Snips.”
"Yeah, I know," Snips grinned, preening a little nonetheless as he started to scribble frantically on the chalkboard. “Now get writing – we've got a lot of work to do back at our secret base!”
Snails did as he was told, asking through a mouthful of chalk: “You mean your room?”
Snips sighed – he kept telling him not to call it that, it sounded way cooler and more secret. “Yeah, there.”
“Can we get hay fries?”
“If the circumstances allow it."
“You mean if your mom says we can?"
“...Yeah.”
Later, surrounded by endless amounts of paper, stickers, scissors, paint, glue, glitter, ribbons, and just about every kind of craft-y thing known to ponykind, Snips and Snails were hard at work crafting the most jealousy-inducing Hearts and Hooves Day cards ever.
At least, Snips was, his brow furrowed and tongue sticking out in concentration as he arranged paper hearts in various shades of pink imaginable carefully onto a card. Snails, meanwhile, had just picked up a rubber stamp in the shape of a pair of lips and was covering his card in kisses, but it still didn't look quite right.
“Snips,” he said, looking down with dismay at the lopsided thing he'd cut out that had started out as a heart, but now looked more like what happened the first time he'd tried to make pudding, “couldn't we just, y'know, buy these at the store?”
“Of course we can't buy them at the store, Snails – any dumb pony can do that. We have to make the most amazing, incredible, sparkly super-romantic Hearts and Hooves Day cards ever – so everypony can see just how totally awesome and desirable we are! The fillies will go crazy for us when they get a load of this,” Snips declared, his eyes sparkling with excitement as he glanced up from his masterpiece. Snails held up his own effort in his mouth, and his face promptly fell. “...Um, but maybe leave that part to me. You can work on thinking of something awesome to write in them.”
“Okay,” Snails agreed gratefully, sitting down before sneezing out a bunch of glitter that had somehow managed to make its way up his nose. He was happy just to sit and watch Snips create – his best friend had never wanted anypony at school to know what his special talent really was (he thought that “cutting things” sounded awesome and manly), but Snails secretly thought it was really cool, how Snips could just wield a pair of scissors and some craft-y stuff and make something pretty, or something awesome like the birthday cards he made Snails every year. Snails watched the paper hearts float through the air in a kind of all-pink rainbow, and just for a moment, he wondered what it would feel like to get one of those cards for real – if somepony really liked him enough to spend time on making something just for him. The thought made him feel all warm and fuzzy inside, like he'd eaten the little pom-poms Snips was using on the ladybug card. (He didn't think he had.)
“Snails!”
He jumped to attention. “Huh?”
“Focus,” Snips told him sternly, tossing a bunch of cards at him. Snails managed to catch one in his mouth without thinking, which made Snips grin and they brohoofed. “Nice – but don't drool all over the cards! You want this plan to work, don't you?”
“Mmmmrph,” Snails mumbled indignantly, but he set the cards down as carefully as he could. “I wasn't drooling.”
“Sure you weren't,” Snips replied distractedly, busy sorting the cards into two piles. “So, I figure you write in the ones for me, and I'll do the ones for you. That way, if anypony asks, we didn't technically send them to ourselves, right?”
“But...we did,” Snails said, frowning. Then he thought about it. “Ohhh...except we didn't! Because I'm sending the cards to you!” He clapped his front hooves together with glee - he really was lucky to have such a smart best friend.
“Now you're getting it,” Snips grinned, his chest puffing up with pride. “Except, as far as anypony at school knows, they're not from you – they're from our “secret admirers”, remember? So don't write your name in them!”
“Geez, Snips, even I'm not that stupid,” Snails replied, rolling his eyes as he laid the cards out carefully with his magic, one by one. They all looked so pretty, he was almost scared to ruin them.
“I know, buddy,” Snips smirked, reaching up to ruffle Snails' mane, except he couldn't quite reach so had to settle for booping him on the nose instead. “But we both know you're not the brains of this operation.”
Snails blew a raspberry at him in retaliation, but Snips had already ducked away, laughing, before any spittle from his friend's unfeasibly large tongue could touch him. “Now start writing a bunch of awesome stuff about me – it's gonna take me long enough to think of some for you."
“Whatever, Snips," Snails retorted, too distracted to think of a better comeback as he twirled a red pen around in his magic as he pondered what to write. At least it was Snips he had to think of nice things to say about, he thought, and not some filly he didn't really know.
There was a rare few minutes of silence, as both ponies set to their task, pens scribbling in their magic. After a while Snips glanced over at Snails, who was doing his concentrating face – nose scrunched up and tongue sticking out, just like at school – as he focused intently on his work. Snips couldn't help but be curious – what the hay was he writing in there? Knowing Snails, he'd probably gone off on a tangent somewhere about bugs, or pudding. Maybe bug pudding.
A few minutes later, Snails looked down and realised he'd done it – somehow, he'd filled all six cards! He grinned to himself, feeling a little surge of pride, and he wished school work was as easy as this. Then he looked over at Snips, whose head was still bent over his final card signing off with a flourish, and his smile turned devious.
“Hey, Snips,” he said innocently, barely containing his laughter as he hid the kiss stamp behind behind his back. “Want a Hearts and Hooves Day kiss?”
“A whaaaaa-?!” Snips spluttered, but before he could finish Snails pounced, stamping bright red kisses all over his cheeks, nose, forehead, horn and anyplace else he could reach.
“Oh, you asked for it,” Snips declared when Snails was too busy laughing at him to resume his attack, as he reached for the heart-shaped confetti with one hoof and glitter glue with the other. “This is war.”
Things rapidly escalated from there, Snips' bedroom a flurry of glitter, hearts and anything else the two could find to throw at each other until they both eventually collapsed on the floor, snorting with laughter. They had to call a truce sometime after Snails had somehow gotten his hooves glued together and Snips was so thoroughly covered in glitter he could be on display at the Carousel Boutique.
Snips' mom made them clean up, but it was worth it.
After three long days of blood (Snails when he had an accident with the scissors), sweat (Snips, because crafting beautiful cards was hard, okay?) and tears (both of them, when they realised what time they'd have to get up in the morning), Hearts and Hooves Day was finally upon them.
Snips made his way across the playground as stealthily as he could, tiptoeing along close to the walls and stopping every so often to look around, checking nopony was watching. Success! He could see Snails waiting at their agreed meeting point, under the canopy of a large tree. He spotted Snips and waved enthusiastically, in a not-terribly-secretive way. Snips cringed, but quickly trotted over to him before he could blow their cover.
Snips sidled up to him, eyes shifty, and asked in his best spy voice: “Have you got the goods?”
“What?” Snails asked, loud enough to startle a few birds out of the tree.
“I said, have you got the goods?”
“You didn't say anything about baked goods,” Snails frowned, cocking his head to one side. “Should we go to Sugarcube Corner?”
Why did Snips even bother. “The cards, Snails,” he sighed, in his normal voice. “Did you bring them?”
“Oh, those!” Finally, Snails' face lit up with recognition. “Duh – of course! Got them right here," he said proudly, patting his saddlebag. A button fell off, but at least it wasn't any of the cards.
“Good.” Snips glanced around to check nopony was listening in and lowered his voice again. “Now here's what we're gonna do – we wait here for Miss Cheerilee to open the doors. Then, we get to class early – if she asks, we tell her it's because we're so eager to learn! You distract her, and I'll sneak the cards into our boxes. Then everypony else gets here, sees how popular we are, and all the fillies instantly adore us!” He beamed. “Any questions?”
“Uh, yeah, actually, I -”
“Rhetorical question - we don't have time for questions,” Snips informed him. “You just do exactly as I say, and we'll pull this off. And then, we rendezvous again here at 1300 hours.” Snails looked mystified by this. “Recess.”
“Got it,” Snails nodded, and saluted. “Sir, yes, sir!”
“Sssh – here she comes!”
The plan went off without a hitch.
Well, apart from the part when Snails asked Miss Cheerilee where foals come from, and then if she could draw a diagram (he thought it was an ingenious way of getting her to turn around and write something on the board). But at least the coughing and blushing and explaining that was really something Snails should ask his parents about instead did occupy her long enough for Snips to stuff the cards in their boxes before anypony else arrived.
After that, it was like every other Hearts and Hooves Day: everypony came rushing in when the bell rang, eager to see if there was anything in their boxes yet and full of excited chatter about who this or that card might be from. Snips and Snails got a few disbelieving looks when they emptied the cards onto their desks, but apart from that, everypony pretty much ignored them. Like usual. But that was okay – they just needed exactly the right moment to make their move, and that was why they'd waited til now, in the playground right where everypony could hear them, for the grand opening.
“Okay, remember,” Snips urged his friend, winking in the most subtle way he could manage, which wasn't very, “read it loud.”
Just like they'd practiced, Snails picked up his card – it was the ladybug one, which made him smile – opened it and cleared his throat.
“Dear Snails,” he read, in his best loud reading-to-the-class voice (he didn't get to read to the class very often), “Even though everypony else thinks your special talent is dumb, I think it's really cool that you can communicate with bugs on a very special level. There is nopony I'd rather race snails with.” Snails could feel a giant, goofy smile spreading across his face at the words – he remembered when he'd first gotten his cutie mark, and everypony had laughed cause it just looked like more proof that he was the dumbest pony ever. But Snips didn't laugh at him – he'd told him it was an awesome talent, and one day he'd show them all when he took over the world with his army of snails.
“Awww, Snips!” Snails felt a rush of affection for his best friend as he slung a foreleg around his neck, trying to pull him in for a hug. But Snips jerked and squirmed away, shoving him away roughly.
“No, you idiot!” he hissed, cheeks blazing scarlet like he'd just been smacked, not Snails. “It's not from me, remember?! It's from your secret admirer!”
“Oh...yeah, right.” Snails' smile faded, and he rubbed at the hoofmark on his cheek. “Sorry, Snips. I messed up the plan again, didn't I?"
He stood there with his stupid sad face and his dumb droopy ears, and Snips couldn't help feeling a twinge of guilt. “No, it's okay,” he said, awkwardly patting Snails on the shoulder. “Just...I think maybe we should spit up. That's what they always do in the movies.”
“Split up...?” Snails' eyes grew huge and his face fell even further. “But, Snips, I can do better, I...”
It was totally dumb, but the look on his face still made Snips feel bad – damn those stupid puppy-dog eyes. “Not forever, Snails. I mean just so we can cover more ground – get more fillies to hear us opening these cards. Then we'll meet again after school to report our progress. Got it?” He saluted just as Snails had earlier, hoping it would get him to smile again.
“Yeah, got it,” Snails replied, saluting back, but his smile didn't seem quite as big and goofy as usual.
Finally left to his own devices, Snips set out to find a spot with optimum card-opening potential. He didn't like to admit it, but trotting across the playground without Snails felt a bit wrong – kind of like he'd lost a leg, even if Snails was more like a useless wooden leg that just kinda dragged behind you. Still, he reminded himself, it was all for a good cause – and right here by the jungle gym, there were plenty of fillies around to hear how desirable he was.
“Dear Snips,” he read in his best outside voice as he opened up the card. “Even though you made me promise never to tell anypony that your real name is...” he blushed, and made sure to lower his voice for the next part, “...Snipsy Snap, I think it's...” Something that looked suspiciously like the word “cute” had been crossed out, and next to it: “...totally badflank and manly!”
He made sure to say the last part extra-loud to compensate for the somewhat un-manly blush still colouring his cheeks, and looked around expectantly to see if any fillies were listening in.
“Snips!”
His head whipped round eagerly upon hearing the female voice, but it was just Miss Cheerilee, frowning at him from across the playground. “Indoor voice, please!”
Snips' heart sank. “But Miss Cheerilee, we're outdoors!”
“Then pretend you're indoors,” she replied sternly, and walked off.
Snips let out a groan of frustration, collapsing onto the floor. The plan was not working out quite how he'd hoped – but out of the corner of his eye, he caught sight of the card, a huge sparkly heart with stick-on googly eyes, grinning back at him, and it was so ridiculous he couldn't help chuckling a little to himself.
The book really was right about those stupid cards, he thought. It still felt good to read the nice stuff about himself - even though he knew it was only from Snails. Maybe that was why everypony liked this day so much.
As the school day drew to an end, all the fillies and colts were once again gathered in the playground, all talking and laughing as they waited for their parents or older siblings. Nearby, a group of the more popular kids were loudly comparing notes on their Hearts and Hooves Day haul.
Snails had been reading out his cards all day, just like the plan said, but as usual, everypony just ignored him. Or if they did talk to him, it was to ask where Snips was: “Did you guys have a fight or something? You're always together.”
He wasn't too sad about it, though, even if it was lonely at first on his own, because he still got to read the cards over and over, and that made him smile. Even though he knew they were from Snips, it was still pretty sweet to actually have something to open on Hearts and Hooves Day, just like everypony else. Plus, he'd saved one card for last – the biggest, prettiest one, with paper hearts in all shades of pink, which he levitated carefully out of his saddlebag.
“Dear Snails,” he read. “Even thought everypony says you're dumb, in many ways, you're the smartest pony I know. In your own special way.”
He smiled at the card, and then looked around automatically to see if anypony was listening. They just carried about their business as usual – but this was his last shot at the plan they'd worked so hard on, so Snails decided it was time to make somepony notice him.
“Hey, Scootaloo!” he called, when he spotted her a few feet away talking with her friends.
Scootaloo turned around, but kept her distance, eyeing him warily as though expecting some kind of trick. “What do you want, Snails?”
Snails tried to think of something to say, and then he remembered he didn't have to be mean to her this time: “Wanna see this awesome Hearts and Hooves Day card I got?”
He floated the card in the air for her, and once again Scootaloo's eyes widened, but this time she actually looked impressed as she trotted over for a closer look. “Whoa,” she commented, “that's huge! It looks like somepony really likes you, huh?” She raised her eyebrows a little at the last bit, like she couldn't quite believe it.
“Yeah, I guess they do,” Snails replied, grinning and blushing a little as he put the card carefully back in his saddlebag. Then he remembered he was supposed to be making her jealous. “I mean – I wonder who it could be from? I guess I'm just soooo popular with the fillies that we'll never know, right, Scootaloo?”
Scootaloo started to reply, but then her gaze shifted to something behind Snails. “You know what?” she said, a mischievous smile playing around her face, “I think I might have a hunch.”
“Huh...?” Snails had no idea what that what that was supposed to mean, but before he could ask she just winked at him, giggling as she trotted off to catch up with Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle.
He turned to see what she'd been looking at, but couldn't see anything except Snips. Snails waved to him, glad his friend was back. He didn't think he liked spending a whole lunchtime apart.
“Scootaloo, huh?” Snips said as he joined him, nudging him with a grin. “Nice work! She didn't even run away that time! What'd she say?”
Snails remembered the last thing she'd said, but he still didn't understand it. “She liked the card,” he said, truthfully. “But I don't think she was jealous. But I think she might be psychic.”
Snips decided not to ask about that last part. “What about anypony else – any fillies ask about the cards...?”
Snails shook his head reluctantly. He hoped Snips wouldn't be mad at him for messing up again, but he just sighed. “Me neither. I don't get it, Snails – the book said that all the fillies would love us if it looked like we were popular! Why would it lie to us?”
He scuffed at the ground with a hoof, his ears folding down in defeat. Snails frowned too – he didn't really care that he hadn't made anypony jealous, but he hated it when Snips was sad. He tried to think of something to cheer him up.
“Sometimes, books lie,” Snails offered, in his wisest voice – he didn't know if it was true, but it sounded good, and he'd never entirely trusted that book anyway. The stallion on the front looked shifty. “And maybe it's just like you said – the ladies of Ponyville just aren't ready for our awesomeness.”
Snips managed a smile in response. “Yeah, I guess you're right – they're the ones missing out. I feel sorry for them, don't you, Snails?”
“Uh-huh,” Snails nodded, and as the few remaining ponies trickled out of the school gates, they sat in silence for a few moments. Snails was thinking, chewing his lip.
“Snips?”
“Yeah?”
“You know when you have a special somepony - what are you supposed to, like...do with them?" Snails hadn't really thought about it until now, but he supposed if anypony did want to be his special somepony, he'd have to do something other than what he normally did. Most girls didn't like bugs.
“What do you do with them?” Snips repeated, incredulously. It was a...pretty good question, actually. He tried to remember what the book said. “I guess you're supposed to...I dunno, buy them flowers and stuff?”
“But tulips give me heartburn.”
“Not the kind you eat, dummy. Then you, uh...take them out. To a fancy restaurant, and dancing. Mares like that kinda stuff.”
Snails pulled a face. “That sounds boring. And we don't have any money to do that.”
He was right. It was annoying. “Geez, Snails, I don't know! The book said...something about finding somepony who you like spending time with. Who you have fun with, and who likes you for you, and not your money or good looks.”
“Nopony likes us for our money or good looks,” Snails said thoughtfully. “Or anything else.” He thought a bit more. “But we have fun together.”
Snips shook his head, but could feel himself starting to blush again - Snails couldn't mean that, could he? He was probably just confused again. “Yeah, but that's not what...”
“Bet you six pudding cups on Speedy to win the next snail race.”
“We're best friends, and we're both colts, we can't be – wait,” Snips stopped, quirking a suspicious eyebrow at Snails. “No way - you're bluffing. You don't have six pudding cups.”
Snails just smirked mysteriously. “Maaaaybe my mom just bought a bunch?”
It was pretty difficult for Snips to back down from a challenge like that. “Fine – prepare put your pudding where your mouth is,” he replied, grinning at the prospect. Snails was just gonna have to learn the hard way that calling a snail “Speedy” didn't magically make him faster than the others. As they started on the long trot back to Snails' house, he continued, "I guess maybe it wasn't such a bad Hearts and Hooves Day.”
“Way better than last year,” Snails agreed, smiling.
“I mean, we did get cards.”
“I really liked the cards.”
“And maybe next year will be our lucky year with the fillies. I'm sure to have an even better foolproof plan by then.”
“Yeah.” Snails was quiet for a few moments, and then: “Hey, Snips?”
“Yeah?”
“Does my breath really smell as sweet as a summer breeze?”
“No, and don't mention that ever again,” Snips groaned, cringing but laughing a little at the same time. “That was just me trying out some sweet lines for the fillies. Your breath smells like pudding.”
“Oh yeah? Well, yours smells like...” - Snails tried to think of a good comeback, but it was hard - “...pudding, too.” He liked pudding. It was good that they had that in common.
“So what about when you said my eyes are as pretty as...”
“Snails, shut up!”
Snails shut up.
But he didn't stop smiling.
