Twilight Sparkle Eats Shit

by DickDastardly

Rating: mature
Tags: Romance, Sex, Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 4687

Princess Celestia has a very special mission for Princess Twilight Sparkle. Surprise: it’s eating shit.

Princess Celestia has a very special mission for Princess Twilight Sparkle. Surprise: it’s eating shit.

(All characters depicted are 21 or older)

Published 2015-03-06 21:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-03-06 21:40:02 UTC

Twilight Sparkle Eats Shit

Twilight Sparkle Eats Shit

Twilight Sparkle tumbled and rolled across the marble floor, tripping over her own wings in her haste to enter the throne room. “I came as quick as I could!” She struggled to her feet, hastily using her magic to put her hair and wings back in order. “What’s the emergency?”

Celestia raised an eyebrow. “What emergency? I just told you I wanted to see you about something.” She motioned to the guards. “Leave us, this is a private matter.”

Twilight panted as the guards closed and locked the throne room entrance, throwing a heavy bolt across the door as they left. “Well it must be important, or else you wouldn’t have summoned me, and you wouldn’t be locking the door!”

“I had them lock the door because this matter is...Well, some things are best kept private, for the sake of decorum.” Celestia walked down from her throne, putting her wing around Twilight’s shoulders. “So tell me. Have you noticed anything...Different in the past two years you have been a Princess?”

“Oh jeez, I dunno where to start!” Twilight blushed, twisting her tongue in her effort to spit out the words as fast as possible. “I mean, I never knew what it was like to be so important! Everyone looking up to me, turning to me for decisions or advice, and the fillies – how am I supposed to be a good example for them?”

Celestia bit her lip. “I wasn’t talking about that.” She paused turning around to face twilight. “And not about the molting of your new wings, or the increased care you must take when using the power of your horn.” She leaned in close, her words barely a whisper. “I mean...More to your posterior.”

Twilight blushed, both trying to examine her backside and hide her face behind her hoof. “Oh sheesh, did you...Did you summon me to tell me I need to go on a diet? It’s only temporary, I swear. I just...I haven’t been eating right, what with all the stress, and all the work I need to do with the new castle and stuff. But I’ve been talking with Spike, and it’s gonna be all salads, no more hayburgers…”

“I’m not here to talk about your dietary choices.” Celestia put her hoof on Twilight’s lips. “I’m talking about the inevitable result of them. And I don’t mean your fat plot.”

“You mean…”

Celestia put a hoof to her forehead, sighing deeply. “Your poop, Twilight. Has there been anything unusual about your poop since you became a Princess?”

Twilight tilted her head, her jaw slack. “My...Poop?”

“I tried being subtle with you about it, but apparently you’re still not much for subtlety.” Celestia walked back to her throne, sitting on it and looking down at Twilight. “All ponies are magical beings, and as such, our magic persists in what we leave behind. The hoof trimmings of an earth pony must be disposed of properly, lest they promote the growth of weeds. The feathers of pegasi must be handled delicately, or else we’ll be dealing with flying trees and clods of dirt. Unicorns must be very careful with any chips or scrapes from their horn. I know you know this, I’ve seen you following horn care protocols to the letter since you were a filly.”

Twilight gulped. “I still...What does this have to do with my poop?”

“Since we’ve eschewed subtlety for the day, permit me to be direct: you shit magic, Twilight. Your shit, your excreta, your road apples, they literally have magic inside of them. This is one of the more...Awkward side effects of being a Princess. And it’s something that requires special handling.”

“Bwuh…” Twilight's jaw almost hit the floor. It was hard to say what was more shocking – that Celestia had said the word “shit,” or that she was so frank in her explanation of...What exactly? It was hard to believe. What she did in the bathroom was, barring the occasional bout of constipation or diarrhea, not something she thought about a great deal. But it did follow a sort of clear logic. Her horn shavings and feathers had to be sent to special facilities to be “de-magic-ified” before being thrown out, as did some of the messes left by Spike and even Owlicious. “So I um...So do I like...Need to use a special toilet or something?”

“Not yet, obviously. Trust me, you’d know if you would.” Celestia giggled a bit, hiding her muzzle behind her hoof. “Luna, remember the first time I laid down a ‘magic log’ as we used to call it?”

Luna emerged from behind her throne, giggling excitedly. “Of course I do. It literally grew wings and then flung itself into the face of that poor guardsman! Oh, but it was funny. And remember when one of mine that started spontaneously turning into various vegetables?”

Celestia was now laughing out loud, her laughter so contagious as to force her to lean on the sides of her throne. “I remember you saying ‘but I haven’t even been eating corn’! Oh, fun times, Luna, fun times. But it’s not all fun and games and, well, some of the results have been less comedic, more dangerous. Ponies can get hurt, especially those ponies who have the essential but unpleasant task of running the Canterlot Sewage Treatment Plant. So it’s essential for a Princess to...Dilute her waste before the actual disposal.”

Twilight blushed a bit, struggling not to laugh and failing. The idea of a turd with wings, or one spontaneously turning itself into corn and back again, was the sort of comedy even Pinkie Pie couldn’t dream up. But clearly, this was a serious matter, and it merited serious consideration. “All right then, I’ll keep it in mind when I have to go. So what do I do, then? Flush twice? Make sure I get plenty of fiber in my diet?”

“It’s a bit more...Involved than that.” Celestia bit her lip again, pressing her front two hooves together. “Have you ever seen how we actually de-magic magical waste? You can’t just wish it away, or dilute it and hope it disappears. Magic is an intrinsic part of magical beings, and it must be absorbed by another magical being. Generally there are sand worms which can handle the offal and process it into harmless fertilizer. I’m sure your school toured such a facility when you were young.”

Twilight remembered the trip. It had been more than a little unpleasant, what with the smell and the disgusting sight of all those worms, squirming around on masses of disused feathers and the clippings of horns and hooves. “So what, then? Do I need to have something eat my poop? I mean, it’s gross but...Nature is gross, I guess I can...Do what’s necessary, if I have to.”

“It’s not a some-thing, Twilight. It’s a some-pony. In order for a Princess’s excreta to be properly diluted and made safe for disposal, it needs to pass through the body of another pony, ideally one who...Enjoy such service. Sexually. It makes the whole endeavor easier for the both of us.”

Twilight stuttered, trying to form words, but finding herself unable. She’d heard rumors, of course, that some ponies enjoyed...THAT. Indeed, some of the books on her “private” shelf described such acts in lurid detail, to the point where she’d gotten maybe a bit more curious than she should be. But never to the point where she’d actually try it. Indeed, after a few flings in Magical College had turned out disappointing, she had resolved to not try out what she read, but just enjoy reading, ideally with a bookstand so she had both hooves free.

“It’s hard to swallow, I know. But it’s just one of those little things about being Princess that’s very important, yet we don’t talk about, for obvious reasons. We each have our own ways of disposing of our problems – Cadence has Shining Armor, and Luna here investigates the kinkier dreams of naughtier minded ponies, leaving ‘deposits’ in the mouths of those who are most excited about such opportunities. Personally I’ve been relying on certain trusted members of the royal guard, but…” Celestia let out a big sigh. “There’s no good way to say this: Twilight, will you eat my poop?” she paused. “It’s for the good of Equestria.”

“Wait...You...Me? And Shining Armor does...But… And…” Twilight had thought she was shocked before, but it was nothing compared to how she felt now. She could have been knocked down with a feather. This was the big secret that Celestia had summoned her about? That the royal posterior took dumps in the mouths of willing ponies? And that she, Twilight, was tentatively being recruited for such a position? Not to mention the revelation that her brother and sister-in-law were kinky to a degree that exceeded even Twilight’s wildest speculations. At least the bit about Luna explained the “stink mouth” that afflicted some ponies in the morning. Though if only she had known…

“You can say no.” Celestia sat back in her chair, her gaze somehow a bit less regal. “I’m not going to force you to do this sort of thing, Twilight. It’s a big ‘ask’ of anyone, especially since all your sacrifice would do is delay the problem, since you’ll need to find your own solution eventually. But you’ve always been my favorite student and, gross as it is, this is somewhat of a privileged duty. I need to be able to trust you’ll keep this a secret, since we can’t exactly have this sort of thing coming out in the tabloids.

“I uhm...I don’t…” Twilight stumbled, finally collapsing on her rump. She had always said that she would do anything for Princess Celestia, but she had never realized that “eat shit” was on that list of “anything” that she might be asked. She wasn’t wholly adverse to the idea, especially the way it was presented as a pleasurable, if disgusting, sex act in some of the more kinky books she’d read. But it wasn’t like she was unfamiliar with the smell, and she doubted it was like one of those fancy cheeses that tasted better than it stank.

“Twilight, it’s fine.” Celestia descended from her throne, gently placing a hoof beneath the younger pony’s chin. “I wanted to ask you because I know how you feel about me, and I know what you’re capable of. This is not one of the things you must do. But it is one of the things that I want you to do. Out of everyone I could choose to do this, I choose you. Because I’ve grown to trust you, and I know that you could handle it.”

Luna came over, putting her hoof on Celestia’s shoulder. “Sister, don’t pressure her like this. Give her a few days, let her think it over. I know you’re a bit backed up, but I’ve been diving into the dreams of this stallion not three blocks away who won’t even hesitate. It will be like a treat for him.”

Celestia sighed and turned around, slowly walking back to her throne, Luna’s hoof still around her shoulder. “I’m sorry I bothered you, Twilight, really I am. I should have known this was too much for you, and I won’t ask again. I’ll find someone else, and you needn’t worry yourself about this problem, at least until you encounter something...Unexpected in your toilet bowl.

“Wait…” Twilight gulped. She could hardly believe she was doing this. But she had to. For Celestia. “I’ll do it. Just this once. To see if I’m up to it.”

Celestia stopped, then turned around. There was a tear in her eye, and she sniffled lightly behind her hoof. “Oh Twilight, you’d do that for me? You’d eat my poop?”

“Y...Yes…” Twilight swallowed again, shuddering as she got back on her hooves. Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad. Maybe it would be kinky and fun. The ponies in books seemed to enjoy it sometimes, so maybe she would to. And if not, well, then she was helping the Princess. And what could possibly be wrong with that? “I um...I just...So what do I do exactly?”

Celestia turned around, her massive plot now facing Twilight. She raised her tail, the celestial brush now waving and dancing above Twilight’s head as Celestia bent down slightly, bringing her back door only a few inches from Twilight’s face. “Well, most of my partners start by licking me a bit back there, helping me loosen up. It feels good too.”

Twilight nodded, tentatively sticking out her tongue. She had explored this end of a mare before, in one of her more cider-driven romps back in college, but she had never worked that particular hole. It was warm and wet, but the taste was distinctly different. Thick, musky, and a little unpleasant. She dug her tongue in a bit, tasting the hole, trying to remember what she’d read in those kinky books Pinkie had given her for her birthday. Was she supposed to push it in now? And lick here? Celestia’s moaning seemed to indicate she was doing it right, but what about what came next? She had so many questions, but with her mouth otherwise occupied, she couldn’t say much.

Sitting down, she shifted to more, deeper licking, exploring Celestia’s hole with her tongue. She twirled and rubbed her tongue tip around the edge, then, as Celestia’s hole expanded and twitched, she darted inside, pressing herself deep into the Princess’s ring. She stretched beyond it, doing her best to staunch the taste and smell that was tricking across her muzzle. She worked the hole as she might a delicate young filly’s more southerly flower, kissing it with as much of her lips and tongue as she could fit.

“Oh Twilight, just like that! Yes, you really are my most special student!” Celestia braced herself, spreading her hooves out and biting her lower lip, her eyes rolling back as she began to grunt. “Brace yourself, Twilight, here it comes!”

No amount of preparation would have made Twilight ready for what came next. The stench alone would have sent her falling on her haunches, had she not already been sitting down. It was overpowering the massive chocolate long sliding into her mouth with urgency and speed. Before she realized it her entire mouth was full, forcing her to begin chewing and swallowing the stuff immediately. She pulled back a bit, trying to give herself room and time to chew, but just as she did, she realized that Celestia was still expelling, her waste slowly making a chain down towards the floor.

“Don’t let it hit the marble!” Celestia panted, adjusting herself slightly and whimpering. “You’ve got to take it all!”

Desperate to do her duty, Twilight swallowed hurriedly and began to press herself against the turd extending from Celestia’s rear. She pushed and shove it into her mouth, her cheeks expanding as she struggled to fit it all in. She’d always had a talent for stuffing her face, as anypony who’d seen her eat hayburgers was well aware. But shit had much a much less pleasant flavor than a toasted-bun hayburger, and she struggled with the depths of it all, straining to stuff, chew and swallow the long rope that she was jamming into her mouth.

“Are you okay, Twilight? Please tell me. I have more, but I can hold it if you’re not all right!”

Twilight burped, then groaned a little. She was feeling a bit woozy, her body unused to what she’d just eaten. But in some gross, perverted way, she was enjoying herself. The intimacy of being so close to her beloved teacher’s rear end. The service she was providing, and its importance to the Princess. Not to mention the fact that, deep down, she found this disgusting, humiliating act quietly arousing. The thought of being Celestia’s private toilet, of being an object she could literally shit on whenever she wanted, it scratched an itch deep in the back of her mind, one that she did not even realized needed scratching.

“Twilight, let me know you’re okay, I don’t want to do this if you’re not okay!”

“I...I’m fine, Princess!” She gulped, licking her teeth a bit and preparing for more. “Please continue.”

“Please what, Twilight?” Celestia pushed her hole up against Twilight’s open mouth, her ring tensing and stretching, opening loose and contracting. “Tell me what you want me to do, Twilight.”

“Please poop in my mouth, Princess Celestia!” Twilight’s words were muffled by the flesh around her mouth, forcing her to shout at the top of her lungs. “Please, Celestia! I want you to do it!”

“That’s my good toilet mare!” Celestia grunte.d. “Here it comes!”

The load was enormous, pushing and shoving and overwhelming Twilight’s mouth even as she struggled to choke it all down. Soft and loose, she swallowed what she could, but even then she felt it overloading her muzzle and piling up around her lips, threatening to overflow and hit the floor. She brought up her hooves, catching what could not fit in her mouth, the filth piling up on her forelegs as she strained to work the rest into her maw. She chewed and swallowed as eagerly as she could, working the filth through her mouth and down into her stomach.

Once she was finally done with this, she began to clean up her hooves, licking them clean, swallowing the small flecks of shit that had escaped her mouth and dropped down to where she had caught them. She struggled, somehow these last bits had more “taste” to them than the others. But desperate to please, she persisted, her tongue licking and lapping until the brown stains on her fur grew faint. She groaned, her stomach gurgling in protest as she looked up at the Princess’s big black ring yet again. “Do you...Need anything else from your toilet mare, Princess?”

“A toilet mare who is so obedient deserves sweeter fruits for dessert.” Celestia adjusted herself, pressing her sex to Twilight’s nose. “Go on, treat yourself, Twilight. You deserve it, for being such a good little toilet for your Princess. But clean yourself first. You wouldn’t press yourself into me when you’re so filthy, would you?” Using her magic, she retrieved a warm, wet towel from somewhere, depositing it between Twilight’s seated legs.

Twilight could hardly believe her good fortune. For long months in Magical College, and on lonely evening ever since, she had lusted over Celestia’s plot. She had longed for it, longed to see and feel and taste it. And here it was presented to her on a silver platter, with the Princess herself insisting she dig in. She quickly picked up the towel and began to clean herself, wiping her muzzle clean, and even going so far as to open her mouth and wipe around, trying not to look at how brown and disgusting the towel became.

Now at least minimally clean, she dug in with gusto, using her nose, lips and tongue to pleasure the Princess’s folds. Driven by lust and passion, she put her whole face into it, licking and slurping with more enthusiasm than talent. She had done this before, of course, but even her most generous partners had only deemed her “good” at it. She had read many books since, but no amount of written words could prepare her for the actual experience. The sweet smell, the salty taste, the warmth of the folds enveloping her tongue. She did not know what she was expecting, but she was pretty sure it wasn’t this.

“Keep going, Twilight, you’ll have your dessert soon enough!”

Closing her eyes, Twilight redoubled her efforts, licking and twisting and twirling her tongue with wild abandon. she sucked and slurped on the folds, working the clit in her lips and teeth. She tried everything she’d ever done, or read about doing, or remembered being done to her, until her jaw ached and her tongue was rubbed raw. She groaned and whimpered, leaning in hard and struggling, eating at the Princess’s sex with every last ounce of strength she had.

“Oh Twilight, I’m cumming! I’m cumming!”

The rush was hot and wet, splattering over Twilight’s face and showering her with a softer, gentler mess than the one that had been there before. This she ate up greedily, licking at it, her lust driving her to suck and swallow great globs of the mare-juice as it hit her face. The first act had been carnal, humiliating, and had filled her with unease even as it aroused her. But this, this was good. This was perfect. This drove her mad with passion, and before she realized it, her own hoof was between her legs, pushing and shoving her to her own orgasm, her more petite wetness soaking her and the marble floor alike.

Princess Celestia moved forward slowly, taking her time to turn around. Somehow her celestial hare was more disheveled, the bright colors seeming to intermingle and cross rather than maintain their usual distinct separations. Her makeup and fake eyelashes were likewise out of order, and whatever servant had helped her prepare her face this morning would no doubt need to be called again before there were any more royal visits. She was blushing as well, a bright afterglow firm on her cheeks.

She bent down, kissing Twilight on the tip of her horn. “You’ll forgive me if I eschew your cheeks and lips, since I know where they’ve been. But you served me well, Twilight. You are my loyal toilet mare, and I now know I can depend on you for my most intimate needs.”

Twilight blushed bright red. She couldn’t believe what she had just done. But the taste in her mouth, and the smell in her nose, let her know that she had. And in a weird, disgusting way, she’d even enjoyed herself, finding the disgusting act a debasing, gross route to arousal, something that plugged away at a side of herself she didn’t even know she had. “Thank you Princess.” She took in a deep breath, then leaned back, looking at herself. “Is there...Some place I can go wash up? I don’t think I can keep this a secret if I go through the castle looking like this.”

“You may use my private bath.” Celestia raised a hoof, pointing towards one of the doors adjacent to the throne. “It’s just through there. Be sure to lock the door behind you, unless you want some servant interrupting you to drop off fresh towels. Speaking of.” she used her magic to pick up the now brown-stained one at Twilight’s feet. “Be sure to put this in the dirty laundry chute on your way over there.”

“But don’t I need to lick the shit stains off first?” Twilight panted, daintily holding the towel near her face. “I mean, to keep the magic pollution from creating trouble in the laundry room, or something.”

“There isn’t much, I’m sure it will be fine.” Celestia tapped Twilight on her flank, playfully pushing her towards the bathroom. “Now go, I have a three o’clock meeting with the Prime Minister, and he can’t see you like this. What would he say?”

“You can count on me, Princess!” Twilight galloped towards the back of the room, the shit-stained towel flying above her like some disgusting flag. She disappeared through the door, slamming it shut firmly, the bolt locking hard enough to be heard through its great length.

As soon as the door was securely bolted, Luna collapsed on the floor laughing. Kicking her hooves wildly, she laughed and rolled this way and that on the floor, unable to contain herself. “Bwaaa ha ha ha ha ha ha!” she gasped for breath, reaching out her hooves towards Celestia. “Oh my, I can’t believe...I can’t…”

“I do believe you owe me fifty single-portion cakes of assorted varieties, to be delivered each evening after dinner one at a time.” Celestia calmly walked over to her throne, trying to keep from breaking a smile. She failed, and soon she too was overcome with laughter, flopping across the golden edges of her throne as she erupted with loud chuckles. “I told you she is incredibly gullible. But to be honest, I really thought she was going to balk. I mean, eating my shit like that – oh Luna, do you think I went to far this time?”

Luna struggled to her feet, still quaking with laughter. “I think I pulled something. By the moon, I never knew I could laugh so hard! And that story you told – about your shit being magic, and needing-” Luna collapsed, her laugher overtaking her completely for a second time.

“To be honest I was just winging it mostly, seeing if she’d catch on.” Celestia pulled a brush out from behind the throne and began to brush her hair, trying to get it back in order. But she was laughing too much, and each brush stroke seemed to only make it worse. “I can’t believe, in all those books she’s read, she never found out that my poop is no different than anyone else. I mean what was she thinking – that even though she’s never had a dump do anything more than slide down the pipes that somehow it’s going to grow legs just because it came out of her?”

“I’m beginning to understand why you hesitate to give her any real duties, even if you really do have so much confidence in her abilities.” Luna struggled to climb into her throne, still collapsing in fits of giggles. “I’ve never met a pony who can be so smart and so stupid all on the same day.”

“She sees what she wants to see, and until I break her of that, I’m not going to give her anything to do that isn’t an emergency, and even then, not unless she’s got those five much smarter friends with her.” Celestia took a deep breath, setting down her brush gently. It didn’t last, and soon she was once again bursting out into laughter. “By the sun, did she not guess that when I had that tear in my eye and hoof over my mouth I was stifling a smile? she’s got a lot to learn about questioning authority, especially when that authority is looking to drop a deuce down your pie hole.”

Luna leaned over, nudging Celestia’s shoulder with her hoof. “Oh please, she was loving herself back there. I’ve seen her dreams, I told you she was kinky enough to at least try this. Judging by how she dug into your plot afterwards, I think you’ve got yet another crush on your hands. And this time, you can’t just politely turn her down and wait for her to die!”

Celestia picked up her brush again, smiling lightly and chuckling to herself. “Oh lay off, can’t I have a bit of fun? She’s always wanted to make me happy, and with a few lessons on technique, she could definitely get things going on the back end. She got me going off, you may have noticed. Something my last fillyfriend wasn’t up to consistently!”

“So you’re going to do this to her again?” Luna leaned back in her own throne, retrieving her mirror and putting her face and hair back in order. “Or are you going to tell her that this was all a prank, just a lesson about literally not taking shit from your superiors?”

“A bit of column A, a bit of column B…” Celestia leaned over, straightening Luna’s crown before returning to her own grooming. “After all, you saw how eager she was, and you know I’ve been wanting a playmate who’s keen to experiment. And seeing as she’s literally eaten my ass burgers, I think that breaking out the whips and chains might be a calming step down.” Celestia licked her lips, grinning. “And I sure could use a playmate who’s that eager to keep up with me…”

Author's Note

This is to be taken with as little seriousness as possible.