Baking Brad

by kooarbiter

Rating: teen
Tags: Pinkie Pie, Flash Sentry, Random, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Comedy
Length: 2051

Twilight sparkle's birthday is today, so Pinkie decides to give her a special birthday treat, too bad Flash couldn't come...

It's time for Twilight's birthday, and what better way to celebrate than by making a treat she can really enjoy? Pinkie Pie is a sociopath discovers that Flash Sentry's corpse (generously donated by Mrs. Hearshwinny, of all ponies) has euphoric, drug like qualities. This is gonna be one hell of a birthday surprise

Published 2015-03-10 03:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-03-10 03:00:01 UTC

Happy Birthday!

It was a fair spring morning in Ponyville, as the denizens woke up bright and early at the prospect of a new day. There wasn't much night life in this small little tiny hamlet near Canterlot, but it was still an agricultural town, with farmers like applejack and foals alike having already woken up and began quickly scurrying about their daily rituals.Twilight Sparkle, however, decided to sleep in this fine morning for a very special reason; it was her 18th birthday. She had chosen (with very little consideration) to sleep in today, instead of her usual pacing and scrambling about to get her checklists. She slept in for a good couple of hours, until the sun shone brightly through her bedroom window so brightly that she couldn't hide from it any longer. So reluctantly she rose from bed, confident that she had a nice day ahead and nothing, not even the cutie mark crusaders or some other form of debauchery could ruin it. She quickly ran through the small mental checklist, audibly checking every mark for some arbitrary reason as she descended into the main room. Normally she would just eat a standard breakfast and be done with it, but not today. No today Pinkie Pie, premier party pony of Ponyville offered a delicious breakfast one the house just for her and her number one assistant.

Not surprisingly, it didn't take any coersion to get Spike out of bed when the concept of sugary treats for breakfast entered his head. Twilight was surprised the young drake was able to sleep at all with that sweet tooth of his. Pinkie didn't say exactly what she had planned for Twilight, but she knew that mare would not disappoint. She gathered Spike, left a note to anypony hoping to do some reading in her absense, and made off for Sugarcube Corner.

When Twilight had finally arrived, all the doors and windows were closed, an unusual circumstance most of the time, but Twilight knew better. She rolled her eyes at the obvious surprise that was sure to come as she and the small dragon on her back slowly opened the door to the bakery. When she entered, she was greeted with darkness and silence that only perpetuated as the duo walked further through the serving area. The place was deserted, with Pinkie or anypony else in the likely hiding spaces.

"Twilight, this is almost as creepy as the castle, where is everypony?" Spike asked as they looked around

"I have no idea, I was expecting a surprise party as soon as we enter, maybe the cakes and Pinkie are out getting supplies?" Twilight responded. "I mean, she didn't exactly say when to come over, but I figured she meant early, during business hours."

They searched the kitchen, nopony in sight. Twilight had began to leave and come back later, and when she came back...

" SURPRISE!

The entire serving area was lit up like a neon sign, with the usual influx of ponies excited to see the birthday mare and tables lined up with food and other party favors

"Pinkie, what, why, how did you do this?" Twilight asked, still reeling from the shock.

"Well, it wouldn't be a surprise if you weren't surprised, duh!" Pinkie replied, obliviously.

"I thought we were just going to have breakfast here and a small get-together later, not a full fledged birthday party, this is insane!" Twilight shouted over the loud music being played by the gramophone in the corner.

"Come on now twilight, you know me better than that! since when do I ever do "small"?" Pinkie asked.

She had a point, although she had learned a lesson about how friends don't always act the same or want the same thing (twice if she was counting Maud.), that didn't mean she cranked down her intensity at all, especially if it was about parties. Before Twilight could offer a rebuttal, Pinkie offered her an almost cake sized cupcake, purple and gold and very delicious looking, with a smaller (by relativity's sake) one for Spike. If Twilight's weekly trips to the Hayburger had taught Pinkie anything, is that she can put food down almost as much as pastry pony herself. She had planned accordingly, making a cupcake large enough to be enjoyed by a big stomach, but small enough to justify eating in its entirety. It didn't take long for Twilight to finish the crazy cup cake, and by George was it good! Despite her earlier reluctance, she had enjoyed the festivities, becoming more notably tired as time wore on. By the time every delicious pastry had been consumed. every song played at least seven times, and most ponies finally gone, it was 5 Pm! She wanted to leave, but she was too dizzy to stand up anymore, just like all of her friends (except Pinkie Pie, but she had stopped questioning that mare a long time ago. By 6, the only ponies left were her best friends, and Spike.

"Pinkie, that party was so awesome, I can't believe we crashed the doorframe in half when Applejack kept spinning me around!"

"Simply smashing darling, me must do this again sometime, although next time I hope there won't be as many...irritations to ruin it"

"Well shoot, you do a bang up job most times Pinkie, but this time was something else"

"It was nice when it was more quiet like now..."

"Fluttershy how would you know, you were gone for half of the party!" Shouted a enthusiastic Rainbow Dash. With no further response Rainbow took it that she had won the arguement and left it at that. However, there was one more issue to be addressed.

"Hey Twilight what did you think? I worked so hard on your birthday surprise I thought my head would spin! I hope it was worth it" Pinkie spouted

"It was... nice, I didn't expect it, but for a regular surprise party, it was more fun than usual." Twilight responded quietly. This seemed to make Pinkie even happier, if her large grin were any indication.

"Do you want to know the secret ingredient? it was very special, Flash sentry helped me make it. He really gave an arm and a leg to help me set it all up in time.

Twilight blushed at the thought of her crush helping to make her birthday surprise special. She then paused, even though the party was all day and quite blurry, she couldn't recall seeing him at all throughout the festivities.

"Hey Pinkie, how exactly did Flash help you make the cupcake? I don't remember him at all during the party, I figured he would have at least showed up to a party he helped orchestrate."

Pinkie's mood slightly faltered before picking back up again," Oh well, something came up when he was helping me and since he couldn't come to the party I knew we had to do something special to make it up. I also haven't been very truthful to you all today as to why this party was so amazing compared to most of mine."

They all looked confusingly at each other, each developing their own theories before the mare even had a chance to speak about it. They were all minor like buying more expensive food or paying off the party goers to act even more wily than usual. None of them had expected her actual answer

"Drugs"

"Wait you mean, like medicine and stuff? gross why would we want medicine in our food?" Rainbow asked as Rarity perked up in alarm

"Of course not silly, I wouldn't ever put something icky like medicine in tasty pastries, I put in blue crystal methamphedimines, to make the party a lot more exciting. But I guess you are all so worn out from all of the partying!" Pinkie exclaimed, as all but one looked at her with a mixture of shock and confusion.

"Pinkie, please tell me that this is some sort of sick joke, because putting drugs in our party foods is a serious deal, if you did we need to know the truth" Twilight said slowly as Pinkie comically shook her head.

"Nuh-huh, I didn't put in enough to do serious damage, besides at first, I didn't even know Flash was doing drugs" Pinkie announced. She quickly covered her traitorous mouth for diverging such secrets.

"What does that have to do with the food Pinkie?"

"Why did you think drugging us with drugs was a good idea, sugarcube?"

"Flash does drugs?"

Pinkie took all of these questions in with a calm demeaner, greatly upsetting all present.

"I didn't have any idea Flash did drugs until after my plan had started, and I put said drugs in your food to tell you my biggest secret!"

They all leaned in to listen as she prepared to deliver to them the shock of the century.

"I cooked Flash Sentry into cupcakes and put the drugs from his tummy into the baked...goods" Pinkie rang out with a smile on her face, eager to meet the reactions of her friends...

...that had reacted to sprawling out on the floor with heaps of laughter.

"Pinkie, *snort* that was the funniest.. that was the funniest thing I've ever heard!" Rainbow shouted in between gusts of giggles, chuckles, and various other synonyms for laughing.

Pinkie's smile had increased with a creepy grin, reinforced by the fact that she usually brakes down with laughter by this point in the joke, was starting to affect them. Fluttershy stopped first, worry laden on her mug as she stepped back a bit as the rest of them followed suit.

"You gotta be joking Pinkie, there's no way you'd do something like that... right?" replied Spike as they all formed lumps in their throat when Pinkie didn't stop smiling. The tension was cut, however, when Applejack walked up and gave a sincere look into Pinkie's eyes, always the ever present lie detector.

"She's...not...lying" Applejack confirmed what some had suspected. They were shocked, but not nearly as much as they should have been.

"This is really bad. but I can barely feel anything, it's like something is preventing me from feeling horror that my own best friend has just brutally murdered my love interest" Twilight mouthed.

"Love interest, Twilight you barely knew the stallion, he was a crush at best" Rarity interjected. "And a thief at worst" She quietly mumbled to herself.

"That must be the blue crystal Flash Picked up from the crystal empire, when I started the first batch and tried them I noticed it and decided to make this the best batch of cupcakes ever! Pinkie announced. "Oops, I'll be right back, Pinkie needs to take a tinky winky" She said as she took off.

"Hey guys, we should probably leave, I don't think she'll kill any of us but I'm not entirely sure about Spike." Twilight pointed out.

It was in vain however as Pinkie appeared to be the only mare in existence that could urinate in a speed that actually allowed restrooms to have space at any given time. It was so quick however, that prompted Rainbow Dash to accuse

"You've been serving us drugged food from our friend's remains all this time!?" before anypony else could comment on how ridiculously obvious this was she followed up with

"Without washing your hooves?!" It seemed so obvious that Pinkie would have no time for proper hygene in her rush to relieve herself, which quite frankly, was gross.

The entire group was repelled by this one fact for some reason, before marching off to the bathroom to make amends to their personal sanity, Rarity in particular. When they returned, Pinkie was no where to be found, however there was 5 sleeping bags (and a basket) randomly strown across the floor with the pink pony fast asleep in her own. There was a letter in Twilight's with a quick "Happy Birthday" written on it. Through the miracle of drugs and convenient plot devices, Twilight never remembered what happened, and still wonders what happened to Flash Sentry to this day, but has more or less moved on.

The End

Author's Note

Written as a Birthday present to my best friend because I'm cheap, I sincerely hope this doesn't get to the feature boc