Looking around the small shop, I noticed that most of the patrons had gone home, and only three of us remained as the party came to a close. Soft snoring could be heard from my right where a large pile of pink curls wrapped around an empty bottle and peeked from behind a small army of glasses. Across from me I was getting strange looks from the lavender mare, who was visibly swaying in her seat from behind her own collection of mugs and glassware. I still held my own single shotglass, and slid another empty bottle toward its brothers farther down the table. These ponies really knew how to party!
“Hey! Hey. Hey. *hic* Hay...” the inebriated mare tried to get my attention, her face flush with something more than alcohol. I just looked at her and smiled. It was always uncomfortably being the last person standing at a party. Seeing your friends wasted was kinda fun, until you realized you were alone.
“Ya know, yer kinda cute as a pony.” Raising an empty glass with her magic, it barely made it off the table before the field collapsed, and she giggled at the sight. I just facehoofed, knowing that this was not going to end well, and wondering where Pinkie kept the cleaning supplies. As I pulled my hoof away from my face, I felt a thump and warmth as the scholarly mare decided to join me on my side of the table, leaning drunkenly against me after her swift descent. I could smell the cider on her breath. Then again, my own breath was probably much worse.
“Yesh, yer kinda cute. I wanna kish yew. Righ hea, righ now.” I tried my best not to laugh as she actually closed her eyes and puckered up, waiting for my expected response. Rolling my eyes, I figured there was no harm, and leaned forward to give her a friendly peck on the muzzle. I immediately realized my mistake as a tingle gripped the back of my head and held me fast as her muzzle slid against mine. I fought a moment as she amateurishly just rubbed her lips against mine, until she released me with a gasp. “Da wash nish.” she muttered, as she swayed again, before toppling over in a heap.
I sighed, realizing that once again I was going to be the nice guy and drag a friend home from a party. Why was I always one taking people home? Oh yea, because most my my friends were assholes and would pull stupid pranks if I passed out at a party. With a groan, I maneuvered the unconscious unicorn onto my back and took a few steps. She slept on blissfully, and I could feel the wet warmth of drool starting to seep into my own coat.
“Night Pinkie, thanks for the party. I’ll check on you in the morning, I guess?” I peered at the pile of pink slumped on the table, but my only response was a loud belch and a giggle, before she returned to her snoring.
With a last weary sigh, I trudged my way through the darkened street of Ponyville, and headed to my temporary lodgings at the library. It was a short walk, but the cool air started the process of sobering me up along the way. Soon enough I was staggering into the main hall, and the warmth of the Library started to make my mind melt again as the events of the day caught up to me.
“See strange places, meet new creatures, pave the way for our future!” I muttered darkly. “I can’t believe I fell for that shit. Bleh, at least it was ponies, and not some intergalactic soul-sucking vampire.”
I staggered again as the warmth and sound of my voice woke my passenger, and she unceremoniously slid to the floor from my back. “Owie.” She looked dazedly around at her changed surroundings, until she stopped at me. “Oh right. That really happened didn't it?”
“Indeed it did, Miss Sparkle. Party’s over, welcome home.” I sighed and sat on my rump.
Still flushed with drink, she slowly staggered over to me. “You know, yer not just cute, you got a shexy voish. I bet you look just as shexy without that spell.” Still slurring her words, the mare made a quick grab for my pendant with her hoof, and I was a bit too slow to avoid it. “Oh wow...”
In a quick but painful flash, I was back in my normal body. Lean, hairless, and half naked, my human body suddenly felt strange to me after all day as a pony. It also seemed to drop a few degrees as I lost my protective fur.
“Meh, yer not sho bad. I dunno why Shelescha wash afraid you’d scare ponish. Yer even kinda cute like this.” She grinned wickedly, as I performed my first ever full body blush. Really, I never knew I was capable of it. “Quick, shay somthin! Somethin shexy!”
“Umm, something sexy?” I snarked, my mind trying to go blank on me. Gimme a break, what would you do if a drunken Twilight was hitting on you?
She laughed a bit too loudly, and slapped her knee with a hoof as she fell back. “Oh, cute an funny. And you can read booksh! Commere an gimme another kish!”
“Yeaa, I don’t think that would be a good idea right now.” I tried my best to be the voice of reason, but my blood flow was quickly being redirected away from my brain.
“Bullshift! I read the reporch the Prinshesh gave me. All you broniesh think bout is hot pony lovinsh. Now git over here and kish meh!” She climbed onto a nearby couch and tried her best to imitate Rarity by fluttering her eyelashes. “Les explore some interspesh, interspek... lets have sexsh!”
Rubbing the bridge of my nose, I stared at the floor and took several deep breaths. This had to be some sorta prank. Any minute now somebody was going to jump out and tell me it was all a joke.
“I believe the term is interspecies relations. And I am also quite sure that this is not what either of our superiors had in mind. Besides, not all humans are bronies.”
Looking offended, she started to pout cutely at me. “Whadda yer a shenophobe?”
I had to laugh at that. “A xenophobe? My dear you couldn't be farther from the truth. I am, however, a gentleman, and refuse to take advantage of someone that is under the influence.”
Too late I realized that I was talking to myself, as I was answered with more snoring. Shaking my head, I move forward to carefully lift the purple pony and carry her upstairs. Even despite my training, it was a grueling feat, for while ponies may be small, they were solid muscle, and weighed more than I did. It was a good thing that the program included training for possible high-G worlds, so I was able to carry the snoozing mare up to her loft bedroom. As I slid the covers over her now-drooling form, I turned to see a sleepy-eyed Spike blinking at me.
“Whoa. What the heck are you?” he rubbed his eyes, still clutching his blanket in one claw.
“You’re having a dream, Spike. Go back to bed.”
“Umm, okay. This is even weirder than that dream about rarity being made out of gems, and kissing me.” Muttering to himself, he rolled over and was right back asleep in moments.
With one final sigh, I made my way downstairs, curling up on the couch with a blanket and trying to process the day I had just had. I was still drunk enough for it all to seem unreal, and the weariness to drag me down. As I spiraled into the abyss, I did what I usually did when I thought about ponies; I happily cried myself to sleep with a huge grin on my face.
