Wayward Hearts

Chapter 20

Dreams, Wishes, and Setting Goals

Sleep came easily that night with the moon staring down at us like an envious observer. Even though I was wrapped snugly within my Void I still felt the ache and exhaustion of the day. Thankfully the Disc, which more resembled that of a coffee saucer with the edges tilted up than a DVD, took more of a mental toll and only a little tax upon my body. Which is good actually, I'd rather feel sleepy than bleed all the time.

“Let's go to that park again, the one with the fountain?” Glitterlamp nudged me ready for another adventure in the human world. The black sand that was the stuff of Dreams moved sluggishly beneath my fingers and just made me more aware of my need of sleep. Glitterlamp looked at me waiting for the nothingness to change into something and had to get my attention for me to focus.

“Could you make something instead? I'm really tired.” Every time I looked into those glowing green eyes and my chest hurt. It's like a sharp pain in my chest that's only soothed by her touch, and I fear the pain would only grow with her absence. I thought I knew what love would be like but I was wrong, so wrong. It was nothing I could've imagined. I trusted her before this but I had a line that I kept my own little space. Back on earth people came and went so I never developed any relationship any further than a co-worker. Just another face that I had to talk at to get by, nothing personal. It suited me just fine, I didn't really devote myself to anyone anymore. I always messed things up.

Commonly one of my “friends” would be just goofing around and play fighting with another of his “friends” from the wrestling team. I was never at the start of it so I would walk in, middle of the fight, and try to defend my “friend” that was getting attacked. Then I would get yelled at by him for freaking out. Or hell, another time I was called a bully because two people really were fighting and I just stood in the lunch line watching without interest as everyone around me tried to get it to stop. In the end, I convinced myself that I hated everyone around me. After a week of that I was tired with snarling all the time and being mean. So up until now I really didn't care about anyone, I would never talk to anyone unless spoken to first and avoid them as best as I can, if someone broke the ice first and I liked them I hung out at their table, I never got involved with anyone's hobby and I certainly never told anyone about mine. The only reason why I was going to that guy's, wow I feel really bad not even memorizing his name, birthday party was because I pitied him. Because once upon a time, I wanted a birthday party but no one ever wanted to come. Like that mattered!! I had my family of seven and I didn't need no one else!!

Until now, that is. Now I have Glitterlamp but even thinking of her starts a thousand fires in my head and it isn't just a distant 'I like you' either. I think I understand the reasoning for Draiden wanting to turn himself into a pony now, but I don't want to give up my thumbs! Even if I did changed my body to be something that she likes, I would still be human inside and all I would be doing would be lying to both of us. I lifted my hand from the sand and went to touch her face tenderly.

“Don't worry, making things here is easy. The void isn't empty, not really. It's full of everything that can make something.” I murmured trying to force my eyes open. My finger hovered just an inch above her face and Glitterlamp looked sad and felt pondering about what to make but more confused on the “how” piece. She leaned her face in to fill my hand but only touched the black sand as my arm disintegrated.

“Dreamer!” Glitterlamp snapped out of her thoughts and tried to catch the sand in her hooves and stop the sand from pouring out. “What do I do?!” She jumped. “Oh, Luna! What have I done!!” Glitterlamp tried to gather me into her hooves as my body lost all shape and definition.

“Don't worry, I'm not dying. I'm just really tired and I can't concentrate on this shape.” My voice came from all around as usual but Glitterlamp, I think, really understood the reason for it now. “I love you, Glitterlamp, and remember; when you stare into this void, I stare back.”

Glitterlamp didn't say anything but clutched the sand that used to be me tightly to her chest and merely looked around. Her mind was in a jumble and hard to decipher but her face looked around fearfully. After a few moments I began to sing around her, well singing is little strong but humming is too weak. A song, regardless, came up around her and usually I enjoy much harder music but I enjoyed softer music when I slept. Sadly I couldn't focus on a single song for long and switched to a different song. A smile grew on Glitterlamp's face and she looked down at the sand she held then she began packing it into a ball and made a snowball.

Hours passed and Glitterlamp only woke me up a few times to ask questions but I was too tired to remember what I said to her. Blissful sleep rejuvenated me but even then Glitterlamp's creations appeared in my double dream, a dream within a dream; that would make for an interesting concept for a movie, or a book. Glitterlamp's emotion still invaded my rest but she was having fun and often times she would disappear from my radar for only a moment. These were moments that old memories would spark up and replay themselves and I knew she was wandering through my memories. Soon she knew of the worries that plagued me and my new feelings about her. An intense warm was her response for my new thoughts about her. What she made was a lone apple tree in bloom with a picnic for two underneath its leafy branches and the only thing that was missing, she told me, was me.

The dawn came gently rousing both of us out of our sleep.

“Did morning have to come so soon?” Glitterlamp snarled at the rising sun.

“Didn't you tell me that Celestia raises the sun?” I asked unsure of my memory.

“She does. And I don't think She ever sleeps in.” Glitterlamp sighed angrily at the rising sun. “Do you ever have this problem on Earth?”

“No, the sun rises on it's own. Same with the weather, no one controls it.” I stretched myself out on the stiff roof and sat up. Fearbane sat close by but not close enough to roll on. My feet felt like sponges and stung because I forgot to take off my shoes before I fell asleep. I was still dead tired and I misjudged the distance between me and Fearbane doing two things that I didn't like. First thing that made me jump and gasp was that my palm caught the wide ax-like hilt and sliced it clean open. Second thing was that Fearbane rolled down the roof and fell off disappearing from sight. I tried to dive and catch it but Glitterlamp slammed down on me right before the section of the dull crystal roof cracked like a gun firing, a moment later a section cracked cleanly into a square and fell inward.

Being on the roof was no longer fun nor romantic! I was trapped on a decaying roof which could collapse at anytime. Glitterlamp was not trapped since her wings were probably long enough to carry her now. Any false move or even the correct step might send me falling, I don't even know how many stories up I am! Too many! I just wanted down but any movement may get me down far faster than what I want to.

I was frozen to the spot. I was lying down staring into the newly exposed room estimating and imagining the shattered bones along with the agony it could bring. Glitterlamp slowly half coaxed, half dragged me away from the edge until I was well away from that dizzying, crumbling, broken edge.

“It's OK, Dreamer.” Glitterlamp said looking into my eyes. “Let me look at that.” My right hand was turned upward to reveal a slash starting from the base of my index finger running diagonally across my palm giving it the longest possible cut. The wound itself was disgusting. Dirt, dead bits of leafs, a feather stuck into my red flesh like a thorn; the blood was bright and flowing. A trail of blood told the story of my assisted crawl to where I now sat. Looking at the wound did do anything but make me aware of the breach in my skin and the nervous system has only one signal of skin breaks, high amounts of pain.

“Tsss!” I hissed as Glitterlamp pulled out the junk out with her magic. Glitterlamp put on the Alicorn Amulet and lowered her horn to the wound. The wound closing wracked pain up and down my arm as the magic erased the wound but I willed myself to stay still.

“Just a little longer it's almost done!” Glitterlamp shouted through the hurricane of screams roaring through me. The potions never hurt this much, was that the reason why Sapphire's always made you sleep? Did it numb the pain as well? Whatever the reason those potions never hurt like what this did! I snapped my mouth open and breathe in ragged gasps so I didn't crack my teeth by clenching my jaw so hard. The wound was closed but the pain was still there, it was just smaller now.

“Is-is it over?” I asked pathetically looking around. Glitterlamp threw her arms around me until I could at least stop shaking.

“First it was your left hoof, now it's your right hoof.” Glitterlamp mumbled to herself. “Are you OK?” Glitterlamp asked me looking into my eyes. “No where else is hurt, right?” I shook my head and she looked at the edge. “OK, I don't know if I can carry you. You're bigger than I've ever lifted before.”

“I don't want to break my legs.” I said simply looking at the edge. “Is it getting closer?” I asked suddenly.

“No, it's not getting closer.” Glitterlamp assured me but glanced at the edge. An inner war fought within her. She wanted to leave and get Fearbane but wasn't sure if I would be fine alone, she might be able to slow my fall but she can't if she's not with me. “How are you scared of heights? You were flying yesterday.”

“My feet wouldn't have left my hover Disc!” I spoke loudly and I swear I could hear the roof cracking again. “I could fly with my wings since I wouldn't fall! My magic is gone! I need Fearbane!” I spoke rapidly but Glitterlamp understood, then I felt her being inspired.

“Would this work?” Glitterlamp unclasped the Alicorn Amulet and wrapped it around my neck. The instant the metal clasp clicked around me the chain adjusted to fit me and my wings emerged from my back. The feeling of the Amulet was different from Fearbane and when I looked down a green glow came from the gem. “OK, let's get down.”

With my energy-tendril-wings the descent was easy and no longer a problem but I felt that I made myself lesser in Glitterlamp's eyes. I found where Fearbane had fallen sticking out of the ground but the scabbard, which looked like it belonged in a post apocalyptic setting with how shoddy it was, broken. I knew it would fall apart and I've always had enough of it left to fix it but this was not the case. The wood that held the blade was split in half and all the wrappings which had began to fray, now lay useless in short tattered strips, in short? I no longer had a scabbard. Crap.

I handed the Alicorn Amulet back to Glitterlamp without a word.

“Sorry, for behaving like that.” I said tonelessly.

“Don't apologize. You're not a pegasus. You don't have real wings, plenty of Earth ponies are scared of heights.” Glitterlamp treated it like it wasn't a big deal that I messed up. It was nice. “Ha, I could've levitated you down and used my wings to get myself down.” She laughed at this new option. “Why didn't I think of that sooner?” Then something seemed to dawn on her. “Wait, how many days have we been out here?” Glitterlamp asked suddenly and I knew exactly what she meant. I only told Braeburn that I'd be gone for three days. I've lost count and can't remember how long we've been out here.

“I can't remember. Hey, let's go back today then.” I said and began to go to where we stashed our loot.

“Take it easy. Everypony gets scared, don't beat yourself up over it.” Glitterlamp hovered in the air placing a comforting hoof on my shoulder. I wish I had met Glitterlamp years ago when I really did need a friend. “Anyway, I thought the Amulet would work for you. You tamed it after all. Just like the stories; where ever a human goes, change follows in their steps.” Then she kissed me on the cheek and I felt a little better.

“It didn't feel like that the other day. It felt, empty.” I said looking at the emerald that now rested upon the Alicorn Amulet.

“It did feel empty when you gave it to me. You chased out whatever was in there and I took it's place. You have Fearbane and now I have this.” Glitterlamp said happily.

With Fearbane in hand I made the carriage that would carry the loot and made it attach to the bottom of the flying saucer that I had dreamed up. It came easier but with all this gold and treasure it reminded me of my hospital debt. That had to be taken care of now before I forget.

“We need to make a stop before we go home.” The sun hit me in the eyes and I tilted my head down to allow my cowboy hat to block it but nothing happened. The hat was gone and I felt a panic fall over me.

“Where did that hat go!? It was a gift!” I searched around and saw Glitterlamp pull it off the top of the loot pile and put it on. I relaxed that she had it and calmed down but then I really looked at her. In some weird way the hat gave a sense of a hardened look about her without destroying the soft delicate beauty about her.

“Ooh!” Glitterlamp shivered for a moment and the Amulet shined brightly at the same time. “I felt that.” She looked at me from under the hat and winked at me. I felt the tips of my ears burn at her words.

“Ah, yes. Well, let's get going.” I stammered not really sure how to respond to that. My relationships never got passed 'distant friend' let alone anyone else being attracted to me. Shaking my head to clear my head of this and tried to focus on getting ready to leave. The flying saucer waited for us and we both mounted the dreamed up vehicle and began to fly towards the hospital in Ponyville. The flight passed in silence as I concentrated on keeping the Disc from swinging the loot around violently.

Glitterlamp changed into her unicorn 'Springdew' before we entered town and Glitterlamp found a large coin that could fit in my palm with a bunch of smaller bits.

“A hundred-fifty, right?” Springdew asked openly.

“Yeah, that's right.” I gave a quick reply constantly looking over my shoulder at Ponyville worried that Twilight or any of her friends still wanted to pick a bone with me. The three story building of white and cream stood taller than what it seemed. It felt as if this was the pinnacle and sum of their Elements of Harmony, a place of healing and safety. Glitterlamp felt peaceful at the sight of this building and at ease, one of the few places where anger and violence has never violated. I wonder why I never saw this before. Oh, right. I was to wrapped up with my own problems to notice these things, I suppose. Like everything else in this land I had to duck to clear the top of the doorway and walked calmly to the counter.

Suddenly something struck me as perverse. In one hand I held Fearbane, blade pointing down and in control of where all sharp bits and in the other hand I held a sack of money carefully counted to repay my visit here. Fearbane's shape; a double edged sword with the cross guard closer resembling ax heads and sharper than anything I've ever encountered before. It was a momentary hesitation but I wondered exactly what they saw when I held Fearbane. In times of Earth's history I would have been considered wealthy for the purchase, a wizard with the magic that flows with it, maybe even a knight errant but definitely a hero in all the video games I've played.

But what about here? What does it mean here? Was it the golden symbol that floated in the back of my head, or was it a sign of true evil? A sword has very few uses, cutting, thrusting, hacking, slashing but outside of combat and in a peaceful world; where did it belong? Where did I: a human, who could bring both destruction and restoration, death and life, war and peace, chaos and harmony wrapped up in a neat bundle, where did I belong?

“Earth, home.”

“Glitterlamp.” Two voices answered me trying to be the first to answer the question.

“Home, where my heart resides, is Glitterlamp.” This voice sounded like a soft clear bell that cut through the normal chatter and clatter in my head within held that sweet answer that made perfect sense to me, if not put a little red on my cheeks. Feeling a little crowded and perhaps a little sad at this revelation, my short stumble, break in step, hesitation, whatever it would be called placed a heavy burden on my head. Glitterlamp's brush of confusion on my mind let me know that of all the lost things in this world, we belong.

“Good morning,” A bright eyed mare behind the desk greeted, “how can I help?” The innocence and outright sincerity just only added to the near-holiness of this place.

“Uh, yes. I'm Michael. I have a debt to pay off, hundred-fifty I believe.” I spoke trying to break out of my own distractions. A quick scan of her desk drawers showed the paper that proved my claim, I presented the sum of the debt and she collected it but seemed to be disappointed. The frown wasn't directed at me but at the Bits.

“Thank you,” the mare said beaming. “Is there anything else?”

“No, that's it.” I replied neutrally. “Thank you.”

“Have a nice day!” The mare beamed at me then we left.

“You too.” The response automatically sprang from my mouth.

The loot we collected sat in front of the hospital with no sign of the Disc anywhere. Ponies milled about staring at the pile without greed but with curiosity. They didn't whisper between themselves but spoke openly. Mostly asking who's it was, no darling don't touch it, where did it come from, the usual questions.

“Dreamer, where did your. . . thingy go?” Glitterlamp asked scanning the sky for the missing Disc.

“I guess it has a limit. No matter it's not that hard.” I said shrugging and raising Fearbane to the sky and closing my eyes trying to bring forth the image again. I heard the surrounding ponies gasp and when I opened my eyes the Disc hovered above my loot ready to leave. Hooves and cheering greeted me as I vaulted unto the disc and helped Glitterlamp up. I looked at them in confusion.

“Do a bow, they think you did a trick.” Glitterlamp whispered to me. Obediently I made a bow, if somewhat stiff.

“We can't stay, we must get back to Appaloosa.” I reminded Glitterlamp. The trio that was known as the Cutie Mark Crusaders cheered a little louder at it, I love kids, there was something about them that would bring a smile to my face no matter what. I spotted the white mare with curly purple mane, then I saw the older Texan Accent as well. Something that felt like spite churned in my heart, mixed with fear. These are the friends of the pupil of Celestia, eyes and ears of her majesty, they didn't seem to scowl though. I stood straight brushing off my orange shirt and green pants even though they didn't need to be dusted.

“We really need to go.” I tried to convey my suspicions about them.

“Can't we stay just a little while, it's still morning.” Glitterlamp pleaded enjoying the attention. My stomach growled quietly but she heard it anyway. “Might wanna get some breakfast while we're at it.” She added with a smirk.

“Very well.” I submitted begrudgingly feeling that this was the price of running out of the Saloon. I clapped my hands together and smiling openly to the crowd. Being this close to Canterlot set me on edge but I tried to bury that baggage until I can deal with it later.

“How ya doin`?” The small red headed crusader greeted me as if we were old friends.

“Oh, nothing special,” I said conversationally, “just exploring old, crumbly castles, decaying towers, looting gold and magical items, and fighting Nightmares and Hellish demons alike.” The dead pan uncaring tone cast the right touch of shock and curiosity that I had desired.

I began to spin our tale of adventure and hesitated then decided to leave out the violence and horrors that we had to fight. Hearing my own tale of exploring ruins certainly captured their attention filly and adult alike. I formed a throne behind me as I sat down because this was going to be lengthy. Another weird thing about me; once I start talking I find it hard to stop. Glitterlamp trotted off into town probably to talk with the ponies around here. Abandoning me to story hungry kids!

“But what's that for?” The white filly with the squeaky voice asked.

“Ah, what this old thing?” I said tapping Fearbane. She nodded and I sighed since I had to answer. “Since I don't have a horn,” I started weakly as if it was embarrassing and to a degree, it was. It was just another reminder that I didn't actually belong here. “I have to have things like these to allow me to do magic.”

“That's terrible!” The white filly squeaked.

“But why does your magic look like this? What is it?” The small pegasus that owned the scooter asked poking the throne to which I sat upon.

“It's the stuff of dreams. I am a Dreamer, this is my magic.” I explained as the black sand shimmered from black to a stream of colors seemingly locked in stone. Speaking of things that looked real; I had to, more than once during my visit, refocus on my Disc. Whenever I would get distracted from the Dreamed up Disc it would began to become faded and lose form. Splitting my attention from the Crusaders and their questions and my Disc was more of a mental strain than I expected.

“Can you grant wishes?” The orange pegasus asked hopefully.

“Depends on the wish.” I answered mystically.

“Can you make my wings bigger, so I could fly?” The hope and want of this question touched my heart. I didn't really know how to change things, my grasp of magic theory and understanding was weak at best. I might be able to give, for a short time, some dreamed up wings that won't be permanent.

“Kinda, might not be forever but maybe for a little while.” I said scratching the stubble on my chin. Great! Yet ANOTHER thing I might wanna take care of when I get home. Gathering my will and allowing the Disc to return to it's state of raw material, the sand lingered in the air behind me for only a moment before the shadowy mass rushed forward and gathered around the stubby excuses of wings perched on her shoulders. It was obvious that it didn't belong there at first but as I touched and shaped the mass into feathers both true in function and in style, I couldn't tell where the dream began and ended.

The wings were large, angelic, and orange, that spoke in volumes of strength and beauty. One flap of her wings sent her sky bound but it didn't take long for her to start doing tricks around the town square happily proclaiming her joy. I watched the little filly for quite some time concentrating on keeping the wings formed and on her shoulders.

“I see you've been busy.” Glitterlamp observed the flying filly. “Here I got you a sandwich.” I didn't take my eye off the flying orange figure as it played with her friends and ate the sandwich, there was something wrong with it but I couldn't focus enough to tell what it was. “I didn't know you could do that, are you feeling well.” She asked worrying if I was going to reach my limit.

“Yeah, just need concentrate.” I said brokenly as the orange figure began to get a little far away. “Too far.” I growled and the wings began to work the orange, I can't believe how hard it is for me to memorize names, filly til she was standing in front of me with a growing headache and maybe a little tired, I'm definitely getting stronger the more I use this power though.

“Hey! I wasn't done! I was going to go to school to show off my new wings!” The filly demanded firmly.

“They are not real.” I said flicking a feather and the wings turned black starting from my touch and spread rapidly crumbling to dust.

“No!” She cried out trying to make the wings stay to no avail.

“They weren't truly there, and if you went too far you would have dropped suddenly and broke something!” I said firmly. “I was losing concentration and needed you to come back here.” I sighed and patted her head. “I wish I could make something like that permanent but I can't yet, I need to get stronger first.”

“How long will that take?” She sniffed and tried not to cry.

“ Maybe sooner than I think,” I said standing up and releasing several cracks from my neck. “Write your wishes down on paper and maybe when we meet again I'll be able to really grant them. Your friends can do the same.”

“Truly?”

“As true as water is wet.”

I said my goodbyes to the Cutie Mark Crusaders and swore to myself that I would memorize their names. I got their faces down in my mind, names are always harder. But I know what my next step is, master my magic and study these 'Magic Resistance' charms and see if I cannot make armor for myself. And the first thing I wanna do with my magic is change something, permanently.