Author's Note
in the eyes of the criminal justice system, there are those who commit the crimes, and those who prosecute them. there is also the jury, who is ideally a group of indifferent third party mediators who is really the deciding factor of any given case. unless you consider civil courts like judge judy. I saw a judge judy the other day where a Mexican guy sued his roommate over a broken lamp. the indemnity was over 20 dollars so it went through. I didn't see that episode. I lied. I don't watch judge judy
chivalry is not dead
Twilight flipped rapidly through the book in front of her.
"Worbablblrblblrblrblr" the book said.
Twilight stopped at page 237, the page about properly brushing your teeth with dark magic. "Must you really make those sound effects? I can just listen to the natural rustling of the page"
"Oi mate when you get as bored as I do being a book, you tend to want to mix it up." The book stated defiantly. The book made no effort to move or provide any sort of action to emphasis its discourse because its just a book.
Twilight closed her eyes for a very long time. Like, very long.
She raked a hoof through her mane and slammed the book shut,
"wHAP!" the book screamed, its guttural irish exclamation echoing deep from within the bowels of its pages.
Twilight went back to her rut, wearing a few more picometers out of the floor. She must have been at least three millimeters down in there by now. Maybe four if she was being generous.
"Twilight, I didn't want to bring anything up before," spoke up her coffee table shyly, "but I'm beginning to worry that something may be bothering you." Her femimine voice lilted gently with concern for Twilight's mental well being. How sweet of her. I wish my coffee table was like her. Mine taunts me with the fact that I always trip over him and dares me to just try again, and so I do and I trip again and he laughs at me. My coffee table is kind of a douche.
Twilight stopped her pacing and began rubbing her eyes. "Coffee table, you can't talk. Yet you are. You are talking to me right now. I am talking with my coffee table and that bothers me, coffee table."
"Oh, I-I'm sorry," coffee table responded, having its wooden feelings hurt a little more than it'd care to announce. "I'll shut up, if that's what you want..."
"Oi! Don't be mean to coffee table!" book shouted from across the room, "she's too cute to be mean to!"
"Oh!" coffee table reacted, getting flustered and not blushing because it was a table made of wood and lacking veins, "O-oh, oh my~," she said, voice trembling as much as her table legs were not. "T-thank you, book,"
In the midst of this budding coffeetable-book otp Twilight had slumped her face to the floor, mumbling various nothings.
The floor was whispering back, providing reassurance in the form of thinly veiled puns.
"If you fall, I'll always be there to catch you," floor whispered into Twilight's ear.
Meanwhile flower vase on top of the bookshelf was whistling loudly. "Whoooo-wee!" he was marveling shamelessly at the view of Twilight's face on the floor and rump in the air. "Face down, ass up, that's the way I like to-"
"NOW I'LL BE HAVING NONE 'O THAT" book roared. "There is a lady present you crass scourge of the biosphere!"
"oh book," coffee table swooned, "you're so confident and stalwart"
Twilight has gone into the kitchen unnoticed. She was preparing for herself a little beverage to calm her nerves. Setting her coffee maker to high, she listened quietly to book and flower vase argue loudly about how a woman ought to be treated. Curtain joined in with many vehement opinions about how coffee table was a strong independent piece of furniture and didn't need no dead tattooed tree. Meanwhile dust molt and floor moulding were discussing the implications of Søren Kierkegaard's assertion that subjectivity is truth.
"You aight?" coffee maker asked.
Twilight sighed and massaged her temples. "No, my head really hurts and I wish the voices would stop."
"Mm. I feel you dawg." coffee maker empathized. "don't worry pretty thing, you can figure a way out of this."
Twilight smiled at her coffee maker while flower vase loudly denounced chivalry in the other room. "You really think so?"
"I know so, mangg," coffee maker asserted. With a ding and a flash of a red LED, coffee maker released a full pot of coffee, "You just need a little of this. And maybe an asprin."
Twilight gratefully took the pot and brought it to her lips. "You know, maybe this isn't so bad," she remarked. "I mean, I can actually have a conversation with some objects, like you,"
coffee maker made an affirmative grunt. "Drink up, I put the good stuff in there. You're gonna need your energy either way. When did you last get a full night's sleep?"
Twilight just laughed.
Pondered quietly for a moment.
She drained the full pot of scalding liquid in one gulp.
"dayum," remarked coffee maker.
Twilight got to work.
She ran back into her living room where book was threatening fisticuffs of the highest order at flower vase. To dispel the conflict situation, Twilight took careful steps to come between the heated debate and gently subside the anger of both sides in order to reach a median point of compliancy and compromise.
She took flower vase and threw him out the window.
Meanwhile, Pinkie Pie happened to be skipping by outside. She had just finished her 37th lap of Ponyville and was considering visiting her bestest best friend in the whole wide world when a flower vase smashed through the window and fell in a bush. Pinkie Pie stopped skipping, reflecting on the scene before her for a time.
Twilight grabbed her quill and settled down on top of coffee table, grabbing a piece of paper from her bookshelf. "B-be gentle," quill whispered, "it's my first time."
"No it's not," Twilight corrected.
"Hecks yeah, a letter," paper got pumped, "I got a hella itch on my front side,"
Twilight flipped the page over and back, "Which side is your front?"
"I was hoping you knew."
"Oh, I hope the ink doesn't bleed through you, paper," coffee table worried aloud, "my mother warned me not to get tattoos or I'd become a slut."
"I'LL CHERISH AND SUPPORT YOU IN ALL YOUR WALKS OF LIFE SO LONG AS THEY ARE HEALTHY FOR YOU" book screamed
"chivalry is dead you twat!" flower vase announced from outside.
"ANOTHER WORD FROM YOU AND I'LL END YOU"
Twilight threw book through the other window.
Pinkie Pie had finally resolved to go up to Twilight's door, knock on it, and ask what was wrong and why did she throw a flower vase through her window. She was on the front porch, hoof inches from the door knocker when a book was flung through the window on the other side of the door, shattering it and stunning Pinkie Pie into silence again. She reflected for another time.
Twilight began her letter. Dear Princess Celestia,
"O-oh, ohh~!" quill screamed, "too rough!" quill whined loudly.
Twilight dunked quill in the ink until quill agreed to be silent.
Today, I learned not to tread in black magics. You know, again.
"Mm, mm, right there," paper praised, "little lower."
Due to my natural curiosity as a student of science and magic, and your prized pupil as you no doubt remember, I regret to inform you that, in gross negligence of your endlessly wise advice,
Quill was panting and just barely containing extraneously loud moans. Twilight decided to be more succinct.
I found a book on black magics and I couldn't help myself but investigate. I now come to you, my teacher and graceful authority on all magics to make the voices stop because I have accidentally laid a curse on myself, and now inanimate objects are talking to me.
Upon reflection, I learn that this is not desireable.
Any and all assistance you can give in removing the curse would be very much welcome.
Yours truly,
Mentally Insane.
Twilight rolled up paper and sent him away. On his way out he was cheering about his itch finally being gone.
Pinkie Pie opened the door slowly, "Twilight? You okay in there?"
She found Twilight furiously chastising her feather quill pen.