Eek! It's a Taboo!

The Roast

Meanwhile, Spike had returned soon after, quite pissed that Twilight had made him trek all the way to Manehattan, just to pick up three thousand sheets of parchment. He dropped the purchases on the floor and made his way to his beckoning bed. As soon as he reached the top of the staircase, he immediately noticed that Twilight and Shinning were in bed together. It wouldn’t have bothered him, save for the face that Twilight’s face was dripping with semen.

“Holy hell! I hate my life.” He cursed as he turned around and descended the stairs and left the library.

He sulked and cried as he went to Sugar Cube Corner, where he would drown his sorrows in donuts. Pinkie Pie was just about to close up when she noticed the purple dragon enter the shop. She recognized his sadness and pouted commensurably.

“Aw, what’s the matter Spiky?” She asked.

“Where do I start? How about everything!” He wailed, taking a seat at a nearby table.

“Oh, It can’t be that bad. Tell me everything and Auntie Pinkie Pie will cheer you right up.”

“Okay,” Spike surrendered, “I think that Samuel Laird, er… I mean Twystron500 has been writing me into Fanfictions again.”

“What gives you that idea?”

“Twilight just randomly asks me to travel five miles to Manehattan just to buy some parchment, only so that I could return and find her sleeping with her brother.” He explained.

“That doesn’t sound too bad.”

“She had semen all over her!”

“Oh,” Pinkie deduced, “that does sound like some shit Twystron500 would pull.”

“I know, right. I’m so helplessly out of character and I’d rather play baseball with a live hand grenade.”

“And I want to deep throat a hot poker!”

“And I want to play jump rope with razor wire!”

“And I want to play Russian roulette with a fully loaded revolver.”

“That’s nothing, I want to play hopscotch in an African minefield.”

“And I want to butt-fuck an energized blender.”

“And I want to sodomize a toaster.”

“It’s so bad, I want to juggle nitroglycerine.”

“And I want to play chicken with a scud missile.”

“And I want to butt-chug hydrochloric acid.”

“And I want to bathe in Texas Pete.”

“And I want to slip ‘n’ slide on salty gravel!”

“What’s worse is I want to poison an orphanage.”

“Even better, I want to piss shit and shit piss.”

“Good one! I want to galvanize my genitals!”

“I want to play Operation with an electrical outlet, whatever that is.”

“And I want to shotgun with a forest fire.”

“That’s nothing, I’d rather swan dive into a vat of Ponyville’s collective menstruations!”

“I can top that by wanting to…”

“Wait, why don’t we summon Twystron500 and give him the comedy roast he doesn’t deserve!” Pinkie thought aloud.

“Great idea, let’s do this.”

Five minutes later, they had summoned Samuel to the world of Equestria magically somehow and had sat him down in a poorly built throne in front of a crowed of angry ponies, all waiting to heckle the retarded author. Samuel seemed rather confused that for all the reason’s he could be in Ponyville, it was just so they could make fun of him.

Pinkie grabbed a microphone from the mic stand and addressed the disgruntled audience.

“Welcome everypony to the roast of Samuel Laird! He’s had this a long time coming, so let’s give him a warm welcome!”

The crowed all booed and threw trash at the human guest. A particularly large forty bottle nearly gave him a concussion from a drunk pony.

“Easy now! Save it for the roasters.” Pinkie demanded. “All in due time.”

Rainbow Dash was the first to cross the stage. She shot Samuel a sad backwards glance before beginning.

“I have to say, before I take a stab at Samantha here, I must admit he’s not one of the annoying writers that make my character out to be a lesbian.” She admitted. “But he still couldn’t write his way out of an open cardboard box!”

The audience roared with laughter. Samuel just shrugged and smiled.

“It’s sad enough this guy hit ever branch of the ugly tree when he fell out of it, but then he chopped it down and used it to make paper to write shitty Fanfictions!”

The crowed laughed again.

“How many Twystron500s does it take to change a light bulb?” She joked. “It never happened because he sat in the dark and jerked off to rule 34!”

“Oh come on!” Samuel roared. “It was just Fluttershy porn! Everypony does it.”

“Whatever, save it for the judge.” She said as she left the stage.

Pinkie Pie approached the mic and cleared her throat.

“I read one of Twystron500’s Fics, now I can only read brail.”

The audience collectively chuckled.

“No, no! It’s a good thing.” Pinkie assured. “Thanks to all the suicides his writing caused, over population on earth has been resolved.”

“Yeah!” A random pony cheered.

“But, seriously, he’s really a talented guy, when he isn’t passed out naked on the street! What’s up with that!?”

More hollers erupted.

Pinkie left the stage and a very angry Twilight Sparkle grabbed the mic. Samuel sunk in his chair, fearing the criticism to come.

“For a virgin, this guy knows a lot about sex!” She declared.

Laughter ensued.

“So he watches porn, but how does he know what semen smells like anyways?”

“Oh come on!” Samuel yelled. “Everypony masturbates!”

“But not as gaily as you.”

“Shit.” He swore.

“The Royal Guard has weaponized all of Twystron’s stories and are using them to fight terrorism as we speak.”

“Well at least I’m doing some good.” Samuel acknowledged.

“It’s a horrible death trying to masturbate to the loopy shit you write.”

The audience all stomped the ground and cheered.

“Whatever.” He dismissed.

Fluttershy was the last pony to take to the stage. She nervously approached the mic and adjusted it just so.

“I love all animals, except Twyston500.” She chuckled softly.

Samuel face palmed.

“Look on the Brightside, at least he’s promoting birth control. No mommy wants a retarded child like that.”

“Hey, I happen to be a well educated Airman, Fluttercry!” Samuel rebutted.

“So that’s why the military accepted you, because you’re too stupid to flip burgers even.”

“Oh for the love of god just send me home! It’s passed my bed time!” Samuel begged.

“Not until I’ve said my piece!” A radiant voice cried.

Everypony bowed to appreciate the presence of Princess Celestia, save Samuel, who just pretended to jack off and fling the spunk at her. The white alicorn took the mic and spoke.

“So, I might be royalty, but not as royally a pain in the ass as Twyston500.”

“Bob Saget!” Samuel cursed.

“I initially thought that all Twystron500’s Fanfics should be banished to the moon, then I realized that he would just write more.”

“True, true.” Samuel admitted.

“So I thought about banishing him to the moon, but I realized that he would just find a way to return to earth using his retard powers.”

“Yeah, so?” Samuel encouraged.

“So I figure that somepony should just kill him dead.”

The audience roared.

“But then I thought, he would just make pony hell a worse place, so I think I should just lock him in a lead crate and feed him tree moss.”

“No!” Samuel exclaimed.

“I have something to say!” A familiar pony yelled.

Berry Punch walked over to the stage and reached the princess.

“Proceed.” Celestia permitted.

“So I’ve been killed and raped because of this guy, and surprisingly enough, neither has happened to him yet."

Pinkie Pie quickly manned a stage side drum kit.

*bum bum tish!*

“He wrote me out of character so many times, I forget what species I am, just like his father, who fucked the seacow who gave birth to him.”

*bum bum tish!*

“Samuel talks the same way about sex the way a diabetic fantasizes about donuts.”

*bum bum tish!*

“Keep it above the belt please!” Samuel begged.

“Samuel couldn’t find the G-spot on a blue whale, even if there was a neon sign pointing to it.”

*bum bum tish!*

“Ouch.” Samuel said as he clutched his chest.

“Samuel is so retarded that even down syndrome kids make fun of him.”

“That’s it! I’m out of here!” Samuel shouted.

Twystron500 jumped off the throne and flung himself out a nearby window.

The End