Rarity The Spy

by The Infinity Doctor

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Crossover, Human, Anthro, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Rarity, Other
Length: 2485

Well, it finally happened. I've gone crazy. Go to sleep after finishing up some homework, and wake up as a fan-character from something called 'My Little Pony'. God help me.

Well, it finally happened. I've gone crazy. Go to sleep after finishing up some homework, and wake up as a fan-character from something called 'My Little Pony'. God help me.

Yet another TF2 crossover! Coverart doesn't belong to me.

Published 2015-03-11 02:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2018-04-06 06:08:35 UTC

Chapter 1

"Rarity? What are you doing here?" a scratchy voice asked, prompting me to groan "I thought you were up in Canterlot for some big shindig with Spike."

That should've tipped him off that something was wrong, right off the bat.

"Who the hell is Rarity?" he spat, sitting himself up, then realized that his voice was way too high.

"What the hell happened to my voice?!" he shrieked, a hand shooting to his throat.

"Wow Rares, never heard you swear twice in one day." the cyan woman standing over him chuckled.

'God, that voice is going to annoy the hell out of me...'

"So, what are you doing here? You didn't forget a dress or something, did you?"

"What in the blue hell are you talking about?" he/she said, standing up, then looked down "Why the hell do I have hooves?!"

"Did you...hit your head or something, Rarity?" Rainbow-hair asked, apparently concerned.

"Why the hell should you care?" he/she snarled.

The colorful girl's jaw dropped, then clenched as she took hold of his shoulders, squeezing them painfully as he was held in place by the woman.

"Rarity, are you sure you're alright? You're acting funny, and since when have you ever worn a suit?"

He shook her off, heading for the front door of the library, not wanting to deal with the reality around him. It was too real, it didn't exist, he was just dreaming, he was just dreaming, he was just-

"Hiya Rarity!" a short, alabaster unicorn cried, approaching him.

He shrieked, running down the street at a breakneck pace, leaving the smaller unicorn in the dust.

"Wow...she must be really stressed..." Sweetie said to herself, watching her sister run towards the mayor's office "I'll have to ask her where she got that ski-mask though, I bet Scootaloo would like it."

Mayor Mare sat at her desk, blowing a lock of her grayed mane out of her face as the quill in her hand scribbled furiously on one of the many pieces of parchment. Oh how she wished there were some easier way to file paperwork, she'd most assuredly get carpal tunnel before she'd hit 200. Her office was empty and quiet, just the way she liked it. Several members of the town council were out today, and her secretary was quietly sifting through letters in the front office. She didn't know what she'd do without Crisp Quill, the amount of chain letters and junkmail he went the extra mile to go through helped greatly, which in turn, helped her to run Ponyville as efficiently as she could.

Calm and quiet, just the way she liked it.

...

Too bad it didn't last.

Her office suddenly became home to a tornado, ripping through her office as one of the Elements of Harmony, Rarity she believed, shouting to Crisp. The shouting match between the two of them went on for a few minutes, before she stood up, hands firmly spread on her desk.

"Both of you sit down, right this minute!" she screamed, out-screaming the other two.

They both immediately shut themselves up, and stared wide-eyed at the grey-haired mayor, and obediently sat in the two chairs placed before her cluttered desk.

"Now," she said calmly, idly straightening a stack of documents "let's discuss this calmly, shall we?"

She pointed an ink-stained finger at Crisp, whom stared fearfully at it, as if it were the hand of Celestia herself.

"I know I asked you to keep visitors out of the office today, but I believe I can make an exception for the Elements of Harmony."

She waved Crisp off, bidding him to go back to the front of the building, to continue sorting through the mail.

"Now, Miss Rarity-" she began.

"First off, my name isn't this 'Rarity' everyone keeps saying that I am." he huffed, crossing his arms.

He quickly uncrossed them, however, as he realized that he was now a female, and the placement of his hands needed some work In the future.

"Alright then," the mayor said, humoring the alabaster mare "what is your name, then?"

He/she looked down at him/herself, actually wondering whether he should give the freakishly-human, grey-haired alien his actual name.

"Spy." he/she replied, after giving it some thought.

"I beg your pardon?" the mayor asked, clearly confused at his answer.

"That is my name, and I wish to be called by it." he said firmly, hoping to high heaven that she'd buy it.

The tan-coated mayor nodded after a short pause, wondering to herself if she should send Crisp off to call for a doctor to come and give the Element of Generosity a check-up.

'It could just be stress...' a rational portion of her reasoned '...Celestia knows I know what that's like.'

"Is that it?" 'Spy' asked smoothly, motioning to the door.

The mare nodded hesitantly, seeing no point to keeping the masked-mare in the office any longer.

"That's absolutely ridiculous, Dash," Twilight stated, idly leafing through a tome on dragon migration "you know as well as I do that Rarity and Spike left for Canterlot yesterday."

"I'm telling you Twilight, I know what I saw!" Rainbow replied vehemently, her wings flapping in frustration "I know I saw Rarity sitting right here on the floor!"

"And I know that I saw Rarity and Spike board the train." Twilight replied, looking up from her book.

Snapping it shut, she placed it neatly back in its proper place in one of the many shelves that lined the walls of the library.

"Well...what if she teleported back and forth?" Rainbow asked.

"No offense to Rarity, Rainbow, but we both know that the only ones who have the magical capability of teleportation to somewhere as far as here from Canterlot are the Princesses."

"But...there's got to be an answer!" Rainbow replied, scratching at her multi-colored mane.

"I'm sure there is, Dash," Twilight reassured "we'll just wait until she comes back, and then ask her."

The front door to the library suddenly opened, and Rarity herself, clad in a blue two-piece double-breasted suit entered the room, a ski mask matching the suit covering most of her alabaster-furred muzzle.

She then cleared her throat, snapping Twilight and Rainbow out of their daze.

"Gentlemares." she said, acknowledging them.

Author's Note

Well...this is a thing...apparently...

Chapter 2

"Rarity! So nice to-"

"I'm not RARITY!" I snapped, cutting off the purple mare "Get it through your thick skulls! God, put out an A.P.B for all I care!"

"How did you...why are you..." the unicorn stammered, then shook her head "what is your name then, if it isn't Rarity?"

"Spy." I replied tersely.

"Woah, you're a spy?!" the rainbow cried, shrieking in excitement "That's so awesome! Wait a minute...who're you a spy for?"

"No-one that affects you," I said, being as vague as possible "directly, at least..."

"Well...'Spy'; I'm Twilight Sparkle, and this is Rainbow Dash." Twilight said, motioning to herself, and then to the winged-woman.

"A pleasure, I'm sure." I said gruffly.

"So..." Rainbow began "are you a changeling?"

"Rainbow!" Twilight admonished.

"What? If she's a spy, then we can't rule out the possibility!" Rainbow argued.

"That's no reason to just out-right ask her, though!"

"Yes it is! Think about it, she-" she said, pointing to me "comes into town, the very week that Rarity and Spike are up in Canterlot; that doesn't seem the least bit suspicious to you?"

"Well...eh...yes, it does, but it was still rude!"

"You really shouldn't jump to conclusions," I said, not believing that I was actually engaging in conversation with the two...furries? Was that the right term? Screw it. "especially with someone you just met."

Twilight's eye twitched.

"Why is it that everypony assumes that this town is so speciest?" Twilight stated flatly.

He heard Rainbow groan beside him just as the unicorn appeared to be getting ready to launch into a rant.

"I mean, it was just one incident! Zecora forgave us, right? No harm, no foul! Right?!"

'Panic attacks apparently still exist...' he thought to himself, now muzzle-to-alien-muzzle with the unicorn.

"Uh, right!" he fumbled "Uh- who's Zecora?"

Another twitch of the eye.

"Right, right! You haven't met her! Let's go right now, we've got time!"

Twilight grabbed at his gloved hand and tugged, walking towards the door of the library.

He shook out of Twilight's grip, backing away from the unicorn. Rainbow now sported a huge smirk, threatening to turn in to a full-on grin.

"Is she always like this?" he asked.

"Nah, just when she's crazy." Rainbow replied.

He shot her a flat look, sighing as he dug into his pockets.

"Doesn't answer my question, smartass..." he muttered.

"What did you just say?" Rainbow asked angrily, the multi-chromatic mare now gripping his tie firmly.

"I said- it doesn't answer my question." he stated, finally removing a thin, flat case from his breast pocket.

Cracking it open, he discovered a small console on one side of the case, and the other contained several cigarettes held in place by a black, elastic band.

'Awesome! I can disguise myself!' he thought with glee, despite being the source of Rainbow's ire'But who can I disguise myself as? There're no mercenaries here...'

"Hey, buddy- are you listening?!" Rainbow shouted, snapping him out of his amazement.

"Huh? Uh, no- I wasn't...sorry..."

Rainbow tugged on his tie, forcing the cloth to constrict around his neck. His vision began to go fuzzy, he felt the disguise kit slip from his hand as he felt the back of his head start to prickle, meaning the loss of blood flow.

"R-Rainbow..." he gasped.

She tugged tighter, and he began to choke, thinking that he was going to turn as blue as Rainbow if she didn't let go.

"What?" she replied, another smirk coming to her muzzle.

'Is- is she seriously oblivious?!' he thought incredulously 'Ponies must be super-human...'

He gagged, and his vision finally failed, slipping off into unconsciousness, but not before he vaguely felt his tie being loosened.

'Merde...'

His nerves suddenly caught fire, forcing him to jump. He sat up, discovering himself to still be in the library. Leaning forward, he placed his head in his hands, then immediately removed them in disgust- his mask was cold and damp with sweat. He took in his surroundings, appearing to be in a laboratory.

'I'm alive?' he thought, once his brain had caught up with what was happening 'How am I alive?'

He rolled off of the table, his hooves touching to the wooden floor. He ran his hands down his front, smoothing out his suit. He immediately remembered that he wasn't a guy anymore, and uncomfortably shifted as he became aware of his feminine assets.

It didn't feel...that much different- he still felt the same...but the absence of his features from before he fell into this candy-coated carnival of crazy was noticeable.

He ran a hand through his mane, now realizing just how much of it there was. Moving on to the ears, he giggled as he felt the tips of his ears, feeling the wonderous feeling of the fabric of his gloves brush against them.

'That could come in handy...' he thought 'I don't know how it would, but it could...'

Last but not least, he carefully touched at his horn, unsure of how it would react. Hell, it could explode, for all he knew.
It didn't, thankfully- it was so alien to feel it. It felt just like bone, and he wondered how the biology of a unicorn was possible, if that was the case.

He decided to explore a bit more, later, and began his journey up the stairs, wincing as his mask shifted, the dampness of it rubbing uncomfortably against his fur.

'That's right...I've got fur now...'

Well...if that wasn't a sobering thought, he didn't know what was. Almost every part of his body was covered by his suit, unlike the five or so ponies he'd come into contact with. He began to wonder what it would feel like to be 'out there' like they were, what grass against his bare fur would feel like.

He filed it away to possibly be experimented with later, and instead focused on what was beyond the top of the stairs. He quickly found out, as he entered the library proper, discovering Twilight, Rainbow, his double, and a tall, alabaster, winged-unicorn with an ethereal rainbow for a mane turned to stare at him.

"Mon dieu..." he muttered.

Chapter 3

I began to remove my mask, rolling up the thin fabric and struggling a bit as my muzzle gave me more trouble than I would have realized.

"Welcome to Equestria, wandering one," the tallest mare said, Celestia I think it was "your presence here gave me a great fright."

"Sorry to disappoint," I snapped, rolling off the mask at last as a flood of curly, rich purple hair cascaded over my right eye "I guess you people in ponyland have never heard of wormholes."

"Giant Sloth or Tetzle variety?" Twilight questioned, standing behind Celestia.

"That answered my question, thanks." I said snarkily, rolling up my sleeves as I stared Celestia dead in the eye.

"There's no illusion or enchantments surrounding you, wandering one, so who are you and why are you in the form of an Element?"

"If I knew, or had a choice for that matter, I'd sure as hell not be a female." I replied, whipping out a cigarette and placing it between my lips, then patting down my pockets for a lighter.

"Anybody got a light?" I asked.

The princess simply snapped her fingers and produced a flame from between them. The cigarette dropped from my mouth and hit the floor, as my jaw fell open. I stared at the flame, then looked at her in disbelief.

"Judging by your reaction, you're not familiar with magic." Celestia stated coolly.

'Shit.'

"No ma'am," I responded honestly, tentatively picking up the fallen cigarette and holding it to the flickering flame still positioned between her white fingers. To no surprise, the flame took to the cigarette and lit it. "I don't know a thing about it."

"Again, there's no surprise, you have a faint magical signature, and no knowledge of magic or its properties." Celestia nodded.

"So what's going to happen now?" I asked "Prison? Torture? Lab experiments?"

Celestia gave me a dumbfounded look.

"No, we're going to get you trained in proper magic usage." she said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"Who? One of you three?"

Celestia gave a dainty laugh.

"As fun as that would be, my and my sister's schedules are very full. And my student, well, wouldn't be quite ready for the task," she said as she patted the blushing Twilight on the back. "No, given your little knowledge of magic, you'll be training with the other unicorn foals at the local schoolhouse."

'Hell's bells....'