"Beware The Pies of March..."

by Harmony Charmer

Rating: everyone
Tags: Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Random
Length: 4223

When Pinkie gives Twilight an extremely ominous message just days before Winter Wrap-Up, Twilight finds out about how Ponyville really celebrates Pi Day.

Now that March has arrived, the whole of Ponyville prepares for the coming Winter Wrap-Up and the supplies needed for it. But, then things take a rather odd turn when Pinkie runs through the streets just days before spring with a rather ominous message:

"Beware the pies of March."

Published 2015-03-15 20:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-03-15 20:10:02 UTC

"...Or Something Along Those Lines."

"Spike, have you got the checklist?" Twilight called out, looking around the room for her dragon assistant.

"Here, Twilight!" Spike answered, waddling into the room with a scroll in his claws. "What do you need me to put down?"

Twilight frowned at him. "Uh, what's the only thing we could ever need a checklist for?"

"My chores?" Spike asked, raising a brow in confusion.

Twilight rolled her eyes. "OK, name another thing we could need a checklist for."

"Stuff you need to do for the princesses?" Spike added, hoping it would be the right answer.

Twilight sighed. "OK, so maybe I do use checklists for lots of stuff, but that's not the point of this conversation." She smiled and looked outside the snowy landscape of Ponyville. "Winter Wrap-Up is coming up in a couple weeks, and I want to make sure we don't miss anything!"

Spike frowned almost immediately. "But, Twilight, what about the other stuff you could be doing? Didn't Celestia give you some books to read for the upcoming Princess Summit?"

Twilight's brows furrowed a bit in worry, but then she waved a hoof dismissively. "Those can wait! Besides, Celestia knows that I'm in charge of the Winter Wrap-Up committee and, despite what I think, my duties come before my studies."

"But, aren't your studies part of your duties?" Spike asked, a bit confused.

Twilight sighed. "It's confusing, I know, but you wouldn't understand. Heck, even I don't understand it!" She looked out to the ponies outside, frowning as she saw them shivering in the cold. "I just don't want Ponyville being late for spring like it has been before we came here."

"Yeah, I guess that makes sense." Spike walked up to Twilight beside the window. "And I'm not a big fan of the cold, either. Must be nice having wings to keep you warm, huh?"

"Yeah, I'm not gonna lie when I say having Pegasus down is a great way to stay warm," Twilight replied, smiling a bit. "So, let's get started on this checklist!" She peered outside, her eyes looking to the trees. "Make sure we have enough twigs to make nests for the birds."

"Twigs... Nests... Birds..." Spike murmured, scribbling on the scroll.

"And we also need to make sure there's enough bells and strings to wake up the animals from hibernation."

"Bells... Strings..." Scribble, scribble.

"And we need to make sure that Rarity has mended any of the work uniforms for the teams." Twilight let out a hum of thought. "Might as well ask if she can make any altercations to mine. I haven't gotten the chance to make holes for my wings, yet."

Spike paused for a moment and dreamy look went on his face. "Rarity..."

"Spike, focus!"

"Oh, right, sorry." Spike quickly wrote on the scroll. "What else do we need?"

"We also need to make sure that the ice skaters have their skates cleaned and have any rusty blades replaced," Twilight told him, her eyes following a trio of fillies skating on a pond from afar. She shook her head with a smile as she noted it was the Cutie Mark Crusaders, probably trying to get their ice skating cutie marks.

"And then what?" Spike asked, his eyes looking at the checklist intently.

"Oh, I think we could definitely need-- Pinkie Pie?!" Twilight shrieked suddenly.

"Pinkie... Pie..." Spike muttered, not looking up. He paused, then looked to Twilight with baffled eyes. "Pinkie Pie? Why is she on here?"

She didn't hear him. "What is she doing down there?" Twilight leaned out the window, her eyes going down the street. "Is she screaming?"

Spike leaned out the window with Twilight, his eyes widening at the sight of Pinkie's frantic behavior. "Does she have a pie on her head?"

"I don't know, but I'm definitely gonna find out!" Twilight proclaimed, sparking her horn alive.

"Wait, don't teleport, I wanna come with--" Spike paused as Twilight disappeared in a flurry of sparkles. "--you." He sighed. "Great, now I gotta take the stairs..."

Meanwhile, Twilight had appeared in the snow covered street, her eyes flicking left and right for any sign of Pinkie. She arched a brow in confusion. "Huh... I swear she was just out he--"

"BEWARE THE PIES OF MARCH!" a voice screeched.

Twilight let out a terrified yelp as she felt something rush past her, causing her to spin in place like a deranged ballerina. She fell forward and her spin dwindled down in speed as the snow beneath her sloshed around her, revealing slick, icy mud. Twilight let out a groan as her eyes lolled around and her face turned green from dizziness.

"Twi... Light..." Spike huffed out, dragging his legs over to Twilight's incapacitated body. "Can't... Run... Any... More... Legs... Burn... With... Effort..."

Twilight lifted her head up off the ground and she held her head as she tried to refocus her vision. She let out a gasp as she caught sight of Pinkie's curly tail disappearing off into the distance and she leaped to her hooves.

"C'mon, we gotta catch up with her!" Twilight called out, shaking off the mud and snow that covered her.

"Can't... Breathe..." Spike wheezed, collapsing into the snow and mud.

Twilight broke into a gallop, her eyes narrowing in concentration as she thought out a plan to catch up to the eccentrically running mare. 'OK, I could always teleport, but then she'd knock me over again... But I could also risk losing her on hoof!' She let out a frustrated sound. 'I'll just teleport again, but I'll be ready for her this time!'

Twilight flicked on her horn and focused on the area in front of Pinkie, then screwed her eyes shut as she focused her magic in. She knew that teleporting multiple times in a row, especially after sustaining dizziness, but Twilight's curiosity was taking precedent over that at the moment.

Then, as she opened her eyes, she found herself a couple feet in front of Pinkie once more, though this time, she focused her magic onto Pinkie to put her in a field of magic.

"Pinkie Pie!" Twilight exhaled, letting out tired breaths as she pulled Pinkie in front of her. "What are you doing?"

"BEWARE THE PIES OF MARCH!" Pinkie exclaimed, causing Twilight's mane to blow back from the sheer force of it.

Twilight winced and held a hoof to her ear, but she continued to stare Pinkie down. "Pinkie, you're not making any sense! What does that even mean, anyway?"

"Beware the pies of March!" Pinkie said again, though, thankfully, not as loud. Her urgency still remained the same, a hint of worry going through her tone. Her mane was frazzled and sprigs of hair stuck out, though it was barely noticeable as there was a pie on her head.

Twilight's brows furrowed and she gently put Pinkie down on the ground, releasing her from the her magical grip. "What are you even talking about? What pies? And what does this have to do with March?" She paused. "Also, why do you have a pie on your head?"

However, Pinkie didn't answer. Instead, she darted away, continuing her shrieking as she did. "Beware! Beware the pies! Bewaaaaaaare!" Pinkie paused mid-run. "Or something along those lines..." She resumed her canter. "Beware!"

Twilight raised a brow. "What the heck was that all about?"

* * *

Later

"Twilight, why are we going to Applejack's?" Spike asked, laying lazily on her back.

Twilight frowned, but she held in her sigh of annoyance. "Because-- for the millionth time-- I figured she might know why Pinkie's acting like this. She's known her longer than a lot of us have and they're practically family, so maybe she might understand what this whole 'Beware' business is about."

Spike yawned. "No, I got that. I just meant why are we going? I kinda wanna take a nap to be honest."

Twilight, this time, did sigh. "Just hang in there, Spike. You'll be home in no time."

"OK, fine," Spike muttered sleepily, resting against Twilight's mane.

Twilight smiled a bit tenderly at Spike's sleeping form before turning forward to see her destination. She brightened as she caught sight of Sweet Apple Acres, covered in snow and icicles from the winter cold. Standing in front of the barn, sorting some baskets and barrels, was Applejack and Big Macintosh, both of whom were too immersed in their work to make talk of any sort.

"Applejack!" Twilight called out, beginning to trot a bit faster.

Applejack looked up and she smiled at the sight of Twilight. "Well, hey, Twilight! What brings ya here? Did ya want to help out with preparations for Winter Wrap-Up?"

"Sorry," Twilight replied, causing Applejack to frown a bit. "I was just coming by to ask you a question. Or, really, a couple."

Applejack furrowed her brows. "Questions? What about, sugarcube?"

Twilight sighed. "Pinkie Pie."

"Oh, honey, it's gonna take more than me to figure out whatever it is she's got goin' on," Applejack told her with a chuckle. "Was it something to do with Pinkie Sense?"

Twilight shook her head. "I don't know. That's why I'm here." She looked off a bit. "You see, Pinkie was running around town this morning... Something about 'Beware the pies of March'."

Suddenly, Big Mac dropped the barrel he was carrying, his entire body freezing in place. Applejack's eyes widened. "Sweet Celestia... Ah can't believe Ah forgot!"

"Forgot what?" Twilight asked, blinking in confusion.

"Pi Day!" Applejack cried, her hooves going to her face. "It's tomorrow! Oh, this ain't good! This ain't good at all! We have to change the locks, fix the shades, prepare the panic room--"

"Wait, huh?"

"The panic room! Everyone in Ponyville has one! Heck, even the library had one before it got blown up for Tirek!"

Twilight winced at the mention of Golden Oaks Library, but she didn't falter. "But why do you need one for Pi Day? What's a day in the celebration of a mathematical term and Einstein's birthday got to do with causing a public panic?"

Applejack grabbed Twilight. "Listen to me, Twi. Promise me you'll lock your doors tomorrow and that you won't talk to Pinkie."

"Why shouldn't I talk to Pinkie--"

"Shhh, don't talk, pig," Applejack said, putting a hoof to her lips. "Seriously, Twi, stay inside. Pinkie ain't reasonable on a daily basis, but on Pi Day, hoo-wee, do we got a hoofful! Promise me you'll stay inside and keep away from Pinkie!"

"OK, I promise!" Twilight said, holding up a hoof. "Cross my heart and hope to fly--"

"No, ya fool, that only makes it worse!" Applejack exclaimed, grabbing Twilight's shoulders. "Don't mentions pies, don't mention Pinkie Pie Promises, and don't talk about anything having to do Pi!"

"But... you just did all of those thi--"

"Don't do it, Twi! It makes her stronger and then we won't be able to stop her! Haven't you ever stopped to wonder why Winter Wrap-Up was so hard to do and why it was so disorganized for years before?" Applejack threw her forelegs into the air exasperatedly. "Because Pi Day is less than a week before then and nopony is ready to deal with Winter Wrap-Up after dealing with Pinkie on Pi Day!"

"That doesn't even make any sense!" Twilight said finally. "What's so bad about Pinkie on Pi Day? She's never done anything crazy then when I was here!"

"Duh, 'cause ya never are! You were either doin' princess stuff or working in the library! You never saw anything outside yer books!"

"You know, she has a point," Spike said, leaning over Twilight's shoulder.

Twilight glared at him, then looked back at Applejack. "But what does Pinkie do, exactly? You never told me that."

"Ah can't say..." Applejack admitted. "'Cause if Ah do, you'll try to stop her. And Ah can't lose you like we almost lost Ditzy."

"Ditzy?" Twilight repeated. "You mean Ditzy 'Derpy Hooves' Doo, our mailmare with the walleyes? What happened to her?"

"Well... A couple years back, she went up against Pinkie to stop her, but she ended up gettin' hurt... Now, she ain't the same as she used to be..."

Twilight's jaw dropped. "Is that how her eyes got like that or why she has the lisp?"

Applejack waved a hoof. "Nah, she always had those. She just had to go to therapy for a long time after."

"Whoa." Twilight looked down. "So what do I do?"

"Lock yer doors, hide yerself, hide Spike, and stay hidden!" Applejack pointed to the gates where Twilight had come through. "Run, Twilight, run! Make sure you get home on time, before it strikes midnight and fear takes a hold of us all!

"Applejack, it's not even noon y--"

"RUN, TWILIGHT, RUN!"

"Gah, OK, I'm running!" Twilight broke off into a gallop. "This whole thing better be worth it, though!"

"Yeah, if you think your life is worth it, that is!" Applejack sighed, then turned to Big Mac. "Big Mac, get the panic room ready. We got a long day ahead of us tomorrow."

"Eeyup," Big Mac agreed, making his way to the barn.

Applejack sighed. "Ah just hope Twilight's ready for this..."

* * *

It was March 13, 11:59 P.M., just less than seconds away from the death of an old day and the birth of a new one. However, as this transition was getting ready to take place, many of the residents of Ponyville were getting ready for the day in their own ways.

Many were stocking up their panic rooms with food and other necessities, along with some blankets and ways of entertainment for the coming day. Others were already prepared and in waiting, some watching the clock with terror in their eyes and others looking away, the experience of past years coming to haunt them.

Then, the clock struck twelve, a loud bong from the town bell ringing for all to hear. All waited with baited breath as they counted down the seconds for the coming threat to reveal itself, eyes wide and petrified.

Then, deep in the depths of Sugarcube Corner, a pair of blue eyes popped open, eccentric and crazy. The owner smiled and slowly rose out of bed, like a vampire out of it's coffin. She walked to window and looked to the snowy streets, illuminated by Luna's light.

"The day of pi has returned," Pinkie murmured. Then, she giggled and clapped her hooves excitedly. "Now to celebrate!"

* * *

"It was really nice of you to let us stay with you during Pi Day, Rarity," Twilight said, unrolling her sleeping bag. She looked around the metal encased room. "I didn't even know you had a panic room in the boutique."

Rarity smiled a bit and she fastened another lock of hair into her curler. "Well, you have to be prepared. I'm rather glad that the Crusaders decided to stay at AJ's, however, since I don't think I'd be able to accommodate for Sweetie and her friends."

"That's understandable," Twilight replied, settling onto her sleeping bag. "So, what are we gonna do while we wait? I mean, how long does this usually last?"

"Hmm, Pinkie's usually worn down by the afternoon, but it's best to stay in until midnight. She might recharge and start a second swarm." Rarity looked to the clock and frowned. "Oh, my, it's almost time. Quick, I better get the door closed and locked."

Twilight frowned as she watched Rarity lock the hatch on the door. "You know, no one ever told me what Pinkie did. Or does, I mean. Is it bad?"

"Yeah, does she bake a bunch of pies or something?" Spike asked, looking up from his comic book.

Twilight rolled her eyes. "I seriously doubt that."

Rarity shivered. "If only it were that simple... You see, Pinkie has this... talent, I suppose. However, you'd never know unless you asked her about it or you happened to be near her on Pi Day."

"What kind of talent?" Twilight and Spike asked, curious.

Rarity cleared her throat. "Well, I don't understand how she's able to do it, but she has this uncanny ability to calculate the constant of pi, and in doing so, she is able to count up the digits all the way to... Well, nopony knows, really. It's like a Tootsie Pop; the world may never know."

Twilight's brows furrowed. "Wait, Pinkie has an understand of Piphilology?" When Rarity gave her a blank stare, Twilight frowned. "What? It's the creation and use of mnemonic techniques to remember a span of digits of the mathematical constant!" When there was still no response, she sighed. "The word is a play on the word "pi" itself and of the linguistic field of philology?"

"Er, I'm not very affiliated with mathematics outside of business costs and such, dear," Rarity told her.

Twilight smiled. "It's OK, it's just I'm rather fascinated by pi, too. I can count up digits, too! Heck, I even figured out a way to use a sonnet to use it as a way to remember the constant up until the first 140 decimal places! Do you want me to show you?"

Rarity shook her head. "No, no, that won't be necessary... I don't think this town can handle another pony with a strange, pi related talent."

Twilight frowned. "But think of how incredible that would be! I mean, being able to calculate a constant is so incredible and it takes time to be able to memorize the order in which the calculations come! It's a time consuming process and it's very difficult to do!" She paused. "Wait, how did Pinkie even learn how to do it?"

"No one knows," Rarity told her. "To be honest, it's rather strange... I think it has something to do with her name, but no one knows for sure... But, she's rather obsessive over it and if she gets started, it'll be hard to get her to stop! She can go on for hours and hours without end, and she'll snap at anyone who won't listen to her."

"Huh," Spike commented. "Weird."

A small chime came from the clock on the wall and Rarity's breath hitched. "It's midnight." She looked to the door fearfully. "She'll be out soon."

Twilight looked at the door to the panic room. "Rarity, do you think it'd be too much to ask if I could go out to see Pinkie?"

Rarity gasped. "Twilight, no! It'd be suicide!"

"But, as long as I'm not talking to her or near her, I should be fine, right?" Twilight questioned.

"No!" Rarity stood in front of the door. "Pinkie isn't reasonable at all in this sort of state! She's already capable of so much, but if you let her near you she'll go catastrophic! It happened with Ditzy and I won't allow it to happen to you!"

"But, I'm an Alicorn. And I'm the Element of Magic, too." She shrugged. "Why is this a big deal, anyway? So Pinkie can say digits to the constant of pi! So what?"

Rarity let out a growl. "I won't allow the Princess of Friendship to hurt herself like this! You're my friend, but you're also royalty and Equestria can't afford to lose you!"

Twilight stood up. "Rarity, come on, it can't be that bad. I'm sure everypony is just reacting."

"No, they're not, because this is just as bad as everypony has been saying! Worse, even!" Rarity pointed to the door. "Nopony can describe the horrors you'll experience out there!"

Twilight frowned. "OK, this is starting to get less amusing and more crazy. Is this some sort of elaborate prank on me? Because if so, it's gone too far."

"I don't think this is a joke, Twilight..." Spike said. "I mean, why would Rarity have a panic room?"

"I don't know what she does!" Twilight exclaimed. "Sometimes, I don't even understand why half of the ponies here do half of the stuff they do!"

"Well, you're just going to have to stay here and figure it out, because you're not leaving!" Rarity shouted. She sat down in front of the door. "Get, comfortable, Twilight. You're not going anywhere."

Twilight raised her eyebrows. "OK, I didn't wanna do this, but you left me without a choice." She flicked her horn on. "Sorry, Rarity."

Rarity let out a shriek as Twilight picked her up and moved her from the door, then proceeded to open the hatch while Rarity remained suspended in the air. Twilight quickly grabbed her saddlebags, darted out of the room, then dropped Rarity on her sleeping bag, then slammed the door shut, leaving Spike and Rarity alone.

"Have fun, you two!" Twilight called, galloping away.

"Twilight!" Rarity screamed. "Twilight, you get back here this instance!"

"Hey, maybe we could, uh, hang out while we wait for her to come back?" Spike suggested.

"TWILIGHT, GET ME OUT, NOW!"

* * *

"Oh, Ponyviiiiiille!" Pinkie called out. "Come out and plaaaaaaaaaaaay!"

"I'm right here, Pinkie!" Twilight exclaimed, stepping outside. She stopped. "Well, I'm not Ponyille, per se, but you know what I meant and Holy Celestia, what happened out here?!"

Ponyville was in disarray. There was dozens of random digits drawn into the snow with silly string and paint, along with random pi symbols all around. Buildings had all sorts of mathematical graffiti written on the walls and roofs, dusted with confetti and streamers. Then, there were banners and flags with phrases like, "Pi Day!" and "3.14" hanging around poles and streetlamps.

Pinkie turned to Twilight, her eyes twitching. "Oh, I was just celebrating! You know, since it's Pi Day! And my name is Pinkie Pie! Ha, get it?"

Twilight shifted a bit awkwardly, but she continued towards Pinkie. "So, I heard you can trace the constant of pi for a long time, right? I just wanted to know if you could tell me how you could?"

PInkie shrugged. "Dunno, but I know I can!"

Twilight blinked. "Really? Well, I'd love to take notes on--"

"3.14159265358--" Pinkie started, bobbing her head with each number.

"Oh, wow, you already started!" Twilight clapped her hooves excitedly, then pulled her notepad and pen out from her saddlebags. "Wow, this is so fascinating!"

"--9793238462643383279502884197169399375105820974944592307816406286-- Hey, are you still getting this?" Pinkie asked, stopping in the middle of it.

"Oh, yeah, totally! Just keep going, I wanna see how far you go!"

"OK! 208998628034825342117067982148086513282306647093844609550582231725359408128481--"

"OK, wow, that's a lot... Do you think you could slow down?"

"--117450284102701938521105559644622948954930381964428810975665933446128475648233--"

"Pinkie?"

"--786783165271201909145648566923460348610454326648213393607260249141273724587006--"

"Pinkie?"

"--606315588174881520920962829254091715364367892590360011330530548820466521384146--"

"Oh, sweet Celestia, I should have listened to Rarity! This was a terrible idea!"

"--951941511609433057270365759591953092186117381932611793105118548074462379962749--"

"Somepony! Somepony, is anypony out here? I wanna leave, but by social obligation I'm not able to! Can somepony please take my place?"

"You're on your own, Princess!" a voice from afar shouted.

"--567351885752724891227938183011949129833673362440656643086021394946395224737190--"

Twilight's ears drooped. "Oh, I should not have left the panic room."

* * *

Hours passed. Friendships were tested. Energy ran low. And as the final hours of the day of pi came to a close, as did Pinkie's final digits.

"3... 6... 2... 5... 4... 1..." Pinkie panted, her head laying against the snow. "Oh, I did it. I said a good 100,000 digits for pi. Hurray."

"So... many... digits..." Twilight gasped, lifting her head up, then dropping it from exhaustion. "Oh, so many digits... Why? What is the point of pi? Why does it exist? What is it's true purpose?"

"Oh, I know why!" Pinkie proclaimed, perking up instantly. "You see, pi is basically the relationship between the circumference and diameter of a circle. (c/d). If you divide the circumference by the diameter you will always get pi, since C=Pi times d--"

"Oh, sweet Celestia, why me?!"

Author's Note

OK, so this idea came from "The Tragedy of Julius Caesar", where in the first act, a Soothsayer approaches Caesar and proclaims, "Beware the ides of March," claiming that the date will bring a tragedy unto him. If you don't know what that means, the ides of March is a phrase used to describe March 15, which just so happens to be the day after March 14.

Why is that significant?

BECAUSE 3/14 IS PIE DAY! Of course, this pun came unto me in the middle of class when I was reading aforementioned play, and I had to stop giggling because I was playing Cassius and as far as I am concerned, Cassius does not giggle. He probably scowls a lot and plots a lot, but he probably doesn't giggle.

Ha, maybe I'll write another story for Pi Approximation Day when it gets to July 22nd! Ya know, since Pi Approximation Day is observed on July 22 (or 22/7 in the day/month date format), since the fraction 22⁄7 is a common approximation of π, which is accurate to two decimal places and dates from Archimedes. Or even one for Square Root Day, AKA, April 4, 2016 (4/4/16), since Square Root Days fall upon the same nine dates each century.

1/1/01
2/2/04
3/3/09
4/4/16
5/5/25
6/6/36
7/7/49
8/8/64
9/9/81

Good God, I have a problem... Keep me away from small holidays, because I will RUIN THEM WITH STORIES I CAN'T STOP MYSELF. Oh, and the sites where you can find all of the info you want on the holiday is here!

Source 1
Source 2
Source 3
Source 4
Source 5