Only sane mare

by SSky

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1950

A day in the life of Twilight Sparkle tells of Ponyville's insanity.

Twilight Sparkle is quite obviously the only sane pony in town, and demonstrates this by displaying her obviously superior life.

(Note: I just needed to write something. I don't know maybe I'll revisit this, but ATM I just need to write. This is kind of a satire on some things, then it's also kind of random. Meh. Feedback, especially criticisms are GREATLY appreciated.)

Published 2012-05-09 18:44:03 UTC
Last updated 2012-05-09 18:44:03 UTC

Only Sane Mare

Twilight studied the learned pages of this ancient tome that lay breached before her. The wondrous knowledge of it's parchment basked her eyes as they feasted upon the literary documentation, unraveling the universes wonders. Breathtaking words captivated her every essence, sucking her into the very fabric of the world, and her soul. The great depths left no room for skimming nor skimping in attention as the whole of all cr-

Twilight closed the book and set it aside, “Well Mr. Olive's Ostriches was a nice read. A tad inaccurate in biologic detail, though.” The lavender unicorn checked the pile she had left to read this Saturday night, or was it Sunday by now? As, pending further developments by the learned men tinkering in Canterlot's residences, there was no accurate way to tell time at night, at least not this week, Twilight simply had to estimate the time during these evenings where she stayed awake. She followed a intriguing timetable where during weekends she had nights to spend with all of her friends, yet maintained a healthy amount of sleep. Contrary to what would seem logical, nopony else followed this clearly superior schedule so she was left alone at night.

But she was not alone, for she had her books. The books had served her so many nights before she even came to ponyville, so it was no real shame to her to go through these hours solely with them, be they fiction or studious chronicles. The penstrokes of great scholars, poets, historians, mages, minstrels, and hacks wanting a quick buck by slashing a quill at a page adorned the shelves of the ponyville library. It was a home truly made for her. Though paling in the comforts of canterlot, her residence in the capitol had no match of the literary stores offered her now.

Dear Luna, she loved books.

But the night did not, in fact, last forever, and it had only been a few documents by the likes of Edgar Allen Pony and William Trotsworth Longfellow, till the sun rose. She had also dipped into more recent novels with only marginal success. Wading through works of fairly common names by then such as Eoin Coltfer and Stephanie Niegher. She enjoyed classics and her magical studies more at times than the newer books, which had their own merits, but were occasionally written slightly poorly. But the merits of a series bearing her own name were another topic for another time.

This being Sunday, mail would not usually come. Yet she opened her door to a package and some correspondence. She observed the neighborhood postmare, Ditzy, going about her weekday job. “Good morning Ditzy, working an extra day?”

The gray mare whirled around at her name being mentioned displaying her yellow, crossed eyes. “Oh, it's Sunday?” she inquired, a bit bewildered, “Aw horse apples, I need to get a better day marker.”

Twilight giggled and waved, “Oh, I think everypony would appreciate this little unexpected surprise.” Ditzy smiled and waved back before taking off down the street again, obviously enlightened by Twilight's well placed remark. Though, she soon realized, “unexpected surprise” was redundant. The unicorn collected her things and returned to the library, checking over the mail. “Horn enlargement, wing enlargement, invitations to the Trottingham theater starring the Great and Powerful Trixie, and a package containing a scroll upon which a spell to summon the stellar goddess and bring all harmony back to Equestria is written. Like I need another one of those.” She disposed of the junk spell with with the other pile of harmony-bringing devices. If Equestria was ever in trouble, she had enough to ensure that she wouldn't have to track down the elements of harmony again, freeing her to do more important things like enjoy cake with her friends in the “Six random fillies saved Equestria again yet we don't follow them like superheroes so we make up for that in this way” party.

Yes, that's what they were called. Pinkie helped name it that after the whole Spike terrorizing Ponyville incident. Four “you saved the world” thank yous that were promptly forgotten was a bit too many for even her. I mean, seriously. And speaking of Pinkie, she noticed the pink mass of energy herself pass her residence. No, she was coming toward her. Twilight pulled Spike out of his bed and threw the startled dragon into a black box she made for Pinkie's visits. Assume crash position, remove all breakable objects, engage friend. Pinkie zipped through the door, her speed suggesting that there would be a question, which were Twilight's favorite types of visits. Yes, she was smart and she liked that her friends admired that, but sometimes their questions were... peculiar.

“Twilight, how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?”

“Twilight, if I was given a call for twenty-seven of these, which cost one-hundred bits, and ten of these, which cost one hundred thirty-seven bits, and I have a 17% off discount of purchases over 500 bits, what color envelope should I send the bits in?”

“Twilight, what should I name my illegitimate love child if I ever had one?”

Those were standard fare, though that was one awkward situation with Fluttershy. She braced for Pinkie's obviously inane question. “Twilight,” Pinkie predictably began, “have you been half asleep and have you heard voices? I've heard them calling my name. Is this the sweet sound that called the young sailors? The voice might be one and the same.”

Twilight relived herself from the mental crash position, “For starters, Pinkie, the tale of the Odyssey was a myth, therefore it could not be the same voices. Secondly, are you sure it's not the twins? Thirdly, I have a sneaking suspicion by the flowery language that you are inadvertently quoting something.”

Pinkie gasped. “Wow, Twi-li, You're gooood!”

Twilight flinched. “Please, don't call me Twi-li. I have a name, it's a perfectly good name.”

“Okie Dokie Lokie, Twi-li!” Pinkie giggled. Twilight groaned and picked up her saddlebags, depositing everything that would possibly be needed in any situation inside, along with a few choice books. She began walking out the door, Pinkie in tow. Though she got on her nerves most often, Pinkie was the closest of her circle of friends. The two were never too far apart, despite being polar opposites. It was odd, really. They normally went out on the town together, the first stop often being Applejack's stand.

As per usual, Pinkie insisted on pointing out anything remotely interesting.”Oh, lookie! Cherries are a bit a piece!”

“That's an insane price for one cherry!” Twilight remarked.

“The price is insane? Then why isn't surrounded by white padded walls? Leaving it out is dangerous! Besides, it wouldn't be too sad in there! A little bored, but not sad!”

“How would you...” Twilight realized how stupid a question that was and cut herself off. She had yet to grow accustomed to the oddity of Pinkie. She loved the hyperactive pony dearly, but she wasn't altogether there, at least, in her obviously professional opinion. Then again, who was sane? It seems that even she had begun to creep into the padded room that was Ponyville, what with that want-it-need-it spell incident and that whole thing with the gas escape. Look, she stood by her idea that the best way to rid themselves the fumes that were escaping into the house was to simply burn them Maybe after a bi more preparation though...

Pinkie continued her search for items of interest, “Oh, there's Lyra and that... thing with her!”

“The human?” Twilight inquired. The green unicorn had recently found a primate that he had been studying all week. It seemed incapable of hearing, and used its “hands” to communicate, fascinating the pseudo-scientific pony who had searched for his kind for years. It had been most of the news that week, but pretty much everything had died down about it. It would take a full-scale invasion of extraterrestrials for anything about ponyville to be possibly remembered for more than a week, as Twilight had noted earlier that day.

“Yeah, don't you find how he talks so superly-duperley-awesome-- ly?”

“About as interesting as last week's goat-pony who communicated by flatulence.” quipped the lavender unicorn.

“We had that?”

“No, the whole town smells like beans for absolutely no reason.”

Pinkie gasped, “What if the bean cart spilled here because the evil water wolves attacked the carter person!”

Twilight rolled her eyes, “Pinkie, there's no such things as water wolves.” She turned to her friend to find that she wasn't there. Out of her saddlebags a pink blur jumped out.

“As far as you know.” she ominously murmured into the purple mare's ear.

“I think I would know.”

Pinkie grinned and exited the saddlebag. “Okie dokie!” She turned her head back around and proceeded to act like nothing happened. Twilight truly believed that she was the only sane mare around. Well then again there was also that one time... oh Celestia the blood.

As they approached Applejack's apple stand, they noticed Applejack and Rainbow Dash in the heat of an argument. The vendors had moved aside their stands as to not catch the flames emanating from Applejack's body as Rainbow Dash explained that because she was her best friend she could have as many free apples as she wanted... right?

Twilight nodded at Pinkie to start argument disruption tactic #499135. Pinkie reached into Twilight's saddlebags and took out the marshmallows, then ran over to start roasting them. As planned, Applejack whipped around to tell off Pinkie. Phase two: enter in and display amazing friendship prowess.

“Girls, why are you fighting so much” Twilight asked as she trotted up to beside Pinkie.

Applejack whipped out her argument first, “Rainbow here thinks she can steal mah apples from me!”

Rainbow shook her head, “Hey, you let me have them off the tree all the time!”

The glare that Applejack then gave knocked Rainbow to the ground and pinned her down. Twilight had to act fast, “Rainbow, it is wrong to steal something like that. It hurts Applejack, and if she can't get paid, well, say goodbye to all your apples.”

Pinkie grabbed an apple from the pile and bean crying “Bah-hah! Goodbye Applella! And you too, Applinta!”

Ignoring her friends reactions, Twilight continued, “Say you're sorry Rainbow Dash.”

The cyan pegasus sighed and rolled her eyes. “I'm sorry, AJ.”

The hated that surrounded Applejack dissipated and she forgave her. Twilight turned and cantered away, mission accomplished. What a good friend she was! She began mentally writing the letter to Princess Celestia, “Dear Princess Celestia, today I hel-”

“AIEEEEEEEEEEEE”

Twilight whipped her head in the direction of the noise to find that a blue mare was being chased by a wolf that seemed to be composed f a liquid. Twilight shook her head and moved slowly toward the location of the beast's rampage. She picked up a pole along the way and tapped the ground. When the wolf was in full view, she called, “YO, fatso!” The wolf spun around and charged. As casually as if it were a fly, she swatted the wolf away. The wolf lay limp on the ground, but Twilight wasn't finished. She picked up the wolf and levitated it in the air, then ripped off it's limbs and head, letting it spray water everywhere. The vendors were covered in the aquatic blood. The magician discarded the corpse and thought about visiting Fluttershy, but now she smelled of animal death, so she just trotted home to sleep, where she would wake a the night, and begin the day once again.

As the only sane mare.