Dear DiaryView OnlineAwkward MorningsDear DiaryDear Diary Dear Journal Dear Book Dear Piece of Paper Alright, to hay with that. It’s embarrassing. Why the sam hay did Rarity even get me this thing? It’s not like anything that goes on in my life can’t go straight into the Friendship Journal. Only reason I’m even using this is because she told me it would help me ‘vent’. I don’t need to vent, I tells her, I just need some space. To take this all in. She said if I wrote down what happened, and how I felt about it, it might help me think a little straighter. So here I go. I guess I should start at what happened last night. Not that I remember much of it. Me and Autumn came in late; workload was bigger than expected. Everybody was asleep, so we figured we could hang out for a mite longer before hitting the hay. I don’t remember who found the cider. I do remember telling him not to sweat drinking it, though. Feller was real apprehensive like. I guess he was just scared that Big Mac would get all mad, not that he’d admit it. Heck, Big Mac owes me. I think one keg of cider is small potatoes to setting him up with Fluttershy. We drank the whole thing. All of it. I definitely drank more, but I think I was a little less buzzed than him. I like to think I can hold my drink, but he was another story. Twilight’s a crazy drunk. Rainbow Dash is a completely sloshed drunk. Rarity is a sad drunk. I think I’m what somepony would call a fun drunk. And Autumn is, apparently, also a fun drunk. And when you put two fun drunks in a room together, you’re in for some good times. He was telling all of these jokes, acting completely ridiculous, and I would be lying if I said I wasn’t liking it. It was a good time. I don’t think I’ve laughed harder in my whole life then that night. I hope think he was enjoying himself just as much as I was. I joked something about him, I’m not sure what about. I think I called him a lightweight. Would have made sense at the time. And he just gets the biggest smile on his face, jumps over to me, and we start wrestling, both of us laughing our flanks off the whole time. If somepony had seen us, they would’ve called us crazy. I was holding back. And tired. And drunk. And sore. And It ends up with him on top of me, pinning my hoofs to the floor. And we’re both just huffing, trying to catch our breath, and at some point, the laughter dies down. He looked at me with just the oddest expression on his face, one I’d never seen on him. I don’t know what it was. He looked happy, I guess, but that’s not the right word. I don’t remember what he said, or what I said back. All I know is that we said something to each other. And then he leaned down. And I think I might have leaned up. And then And the next thing I know, I wake up, and I woke up and Autumn was My hoof was aroun I was sleeping next t I was sleeping next to Autumn. My face was in his shoulder, my hoof was on his chest, I was pressed into him, he was right there, in my bed, with me, in my room, in my house, with me, naked, in bed, with me, pressed up against me, and I I I j I ca I was scared as all hell. Scared about what this meant, what it would mean, how he would feel about it, what I just did to us, and it all came rushing into my head at once and it was just it was very it was really It was a little too much for me. I tried to stay calm, to just stay calm, to not flip my lid over anything, and just lay there. And so I did. I just laid there, doing nothing. I don’t know how long I did that, but it was enough time for me to think of something like twenty ways that all of this could end badly. He could accuse me of taking advantage of him, and Celestia damn me if any of the sort happened last night, because I have no bucking clue, and neither does he, and it’s just so much of a mess, and if we could just remember this would all get fixed up no problem, but right now, there’s some bucking problems. He was drunk, and I took advantage of that. I know it. I feel it in my gut. I can hold my drink better than him, I know that. We both know that. It’s my fault. It’s all my fault, it’s all my fault and it’ll never get better, we’ll never get up from this, he’s going to leave, leave the family, leave the farm, leave me. And I wouldn’t blame him. I really wouldn’t. And he wouldn’t be the only one who’d be hating me. I don’t know how long it was before I started crying. I just cried my eyes out, and kept saying ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.’ It woke Autumn up. He reached up, took my hoof in his hand, and just held it real gentle like. It calmed me down a little. I didn’t stop apologizing. I just kept at it, crying and saying sorry, making a real mess of myself. Crying because I did something terrible to him. Crying because I ruined our friendship. Crying because we’ll never have the chance to be something more. I didn’t do what I did outta nowhere. Autumn had been working on the farm from months, chatting with me, telling me all these nice things, making his dumb jokes, rambling like a mad pony. A total goofball, he is. But he’s my goofball. And soon enough, right there on that bed, holding my hoof, he was whispering something. Whispering something so quiet that I had to hush up to hear it. ‘It’s okay’ is what he said. He just kept saying it until I stopped blubbering. Then he turns around in bed real slowly, laying on his side, facing me. And I looked at him, and I saw that same look I saw last night. His hair was all tousled, his eyes were big and had some sort of emotion in them that I just couldn’t make out, and he was smiling. He reached out and held my cheek in his hand, running that one big finger over my fur. Wiping my tears. And he told me that it was all going to be okay. Smiling. He was smiling. I just couldn’t take that smile. Not after what I did. I jumped right out of that bed, ran out, and just kept running. He called after me, but I couldn’t bring myself to listen. I ran out of my own house because I couldn’t face what I’d done. What I know I did. What I wish I hadn’t done. And when I was running down the path to Ponyville, not really paying attention to where I was going, I kept yelling at myself in my head, telling myself to turn back like a real mare, for his sake. But I wasn’t strong enough. I just wasn’t strong enough. I was crying, and running, and hurting on the inside. Hurting something awful, deep in my heart of hearts. It was unbearable. It is unbearable. It’s a good thing Rarity was up and about to stop me, else I don’t think I would have stopped. She got up early for some fashion show thingy going on in town, but stopped me in the road. Asked me why I was crying, what was wrong, what she could do to help. I couldn’t say anything just yet. I just pulled her into a hug and cried until I didn’t have any tears to cry no more. She took me into the boutique. Said all kinds a nice things, and didn’t pry. I really appreciate that. She picked up that I just couldn’t say it, so she gave me this little book. She said to write down everything that happened, and that it would make me ‘feel better’. ‘Give me perspective’. ‘Let me think about it’. Well, I’m mighty thankful for the thought, but this didn’t help none. If anything, it just made me look at everything that happened a second time. Oh Celestia, I can’t even imagine how Autumn is right now. He’s probably feeling all hurt and alone. Vulnerable. Betrayed. And now I can’t stop thinking about him. The way that he would do little things, like say good morning and good night to me every single day. How he had Granny teach him to cook so he could pitch in for meals. How he would notice whenever my mane got cut. How calm he was when he woke up to something so horrible. How his fingers felt on my hoof. How safe I felt with his hand on my cheek. How soft his smile was. How that look in his eyes just how it how it just I put the quill down and shut the diary. “What the buck am Ah doing?”
Final ChapterView OnlineAwkward MorningsFinal ChapterI splash cold water on my face, trying to...I don’t know, get myself together, I guess. After what had happened an hour ago, I hadn’t done much. I stared catatonically at the door for a few minutes...maybe killed some time yelling at myself as I took a cold shower...I just don’t know anymore. Usually my mind is hectic, yet now I find myself feeling rather sluggish. Given the situation, this comes somewhat as a surprise to me. Maybe all of this just hasn’t sunken in yet. Maybe I don’t want it to. I don’t know if my own distaste for sudden and shock filled realizations is actually halting said realization, but if it is, then I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing. Though I guess the last sudden and shock filled realization I had was when I realized that I loved Applejack, which...well...it seems like a bit of a lost cause, at this point. I don’t know what I expected, really. Just because I felt a certain way about her didn’t change the situation. She woke up next to me, and her mind immediately went to a dark place, which I don’t blame her for...and then she left. I tried to comfort her. It didn’t work. I tried to tell her to stop. It didn’t work. By the time I could think straight, she was gone. I just kept looking at that door, as if I expected her to walk right back; just for her to turn right around, come back in, talk it over, and maybe even talk about how I feel about her. How I think she’s the most beautiful creature I’ve ever had the honor of meeting, whether it be in body or in spirit. That she’s the most determined, most caring, most wondrous individual I’d ever seen...all these things that I might never get the chance to tell her. I don’t even expect her to ever want to see me again. I hurt her. I...I hurt her. She ran out of here crying, and it was because of me… ...What the fuck am I doing here? “What the buck am Ah doin’ here?” Ah throw the book down and ran out the door, right into the main room of the boutique. Rarity jumped a bit when she sees me, but Ah can’t pay her no mind right now. Ah gotta see Autumn. “Darling, what’s wrong?” Rarity says, a concerned frown on her face. “Can’t talk. Gotta go,” Ah belt out, galloping to the front door. Suddenly, Ah feel something pulling me back. “What in tarnatio…” Ah trail off as I turned my head to see that Rarity’s magic was holding my tail back. “Rarity, what’re you-” “Applejack, not an hour has passed since you ran into me whilst crying, the reason for which you’ve not let me privy to...which is fine...but I can’t just let you run off without talking about-” “Rarity, I gotta talk to Autumn!” Ah shout. “A-Ah did somethin’ right awful, Rarity, somethin’ terrible, and Ah ran like a coward.” “Darling, slow down! What’s this about Autumn?” Ah don’t have time to talk. Ah pull myself out of her magical grip and run out the door. Ah know I have to give Rarity a better explanation later, but right now, Ah got some wrongs to right. I haphazardly throw on the first shirt and pair of pants I fished out of my dresser, not caring what I wore. I only had to worry about what I was going to say. “Applejack, what happened last night...no...Applejack, it wasn’t your fault that...augh, no....Applejack, I love you, and if you...uggh!” Nothing. I’ve got absolutely nothing. I don’t know how to console her, how to talk to her after something like this, whatever this is. At this point I can’t really imagine it being anything else but what it obviously appeared to be, despite my hope that it wasn’t. Applejack wouldn’t have ran. She wouldn’t have cried. I don’t bother with my shoes. I run down the hallway barefoot, barely mindful of the other occupants of the house. I jump down the last five stairs to the first floor and stumbled out the door, shutting it behind me. It’s raining. The storm is picking up; it had started drizzling an hour or so ago, but at this point it’s just getting ridiculous. The bottom of my shirt flies against the wind, and I’m already soaked from the torrent. It doesn’t matter. Personal comforts are arbitrary at this point. I have to stay on track. I can’t let my mind go astray. Not now. It can’t be now. Focus….focus...Applejack...Applejack… Her face fills my minds eye. Her emerald eyes glinting in the sunset, her lips curving into an unforgettable goofy smile, positivity and hope emanating from her expression of joy. Applejack. Applejack. I start to run. Applejack. Applejack. I don’t know where I’m going. I don’t know where she is. Applejack. Applejack. But I know what I want to tell her. Ah run down the muddy road, thinking rapid and quick thoughts. Autumn. Have to find him. Have to talk to him. Ah can’t worry about what to say, Ah can figure it out when I find him, oh Celestia what if he ran off after I left, what if he left the farm and never wants to come back, where is he where is he?! Ah run through the marketplace, which is pretty sparse of ponies. It’s probably because of this weather. Ah’m already soaked to the bone, and that last bolt of lightning nearly- CRACK! AH’M NOT SCARED! Startled, it just startled me. Ah can’t pay no mind to the weather, even with this mud slowing me down and this wet fur weighing me down. Ah’m stronger than this. Ah’m an Apple. More importantly than that, Ah’m Autumn’s friend. Ah can’t let him down. Ah can’t let him go. Ah can’t leave him like I did before. Ah have to find him. Ah have to make it right. Applejack Applejack Applejack Applejack. Focus. Find her. Talk to her. Comfort her. Make it right. My legs are pumping against the road to Ponyville; I’m running faster than I ever have in my life. I quickly brush my damp hair out of my face. Man, I should really get a haircu- Applejack Applejack. Her eyes. Her face. Her laugh. Her smile. “Applejack...Applejack…” I whisper to myself as I run. I have to give myself tunnel vision, have to focus until I can only think of her, can only see her, block out every other stupid thing that enters my head, because those thoughts just don’t fucking matter! “Applejack...Applejack,” I spoke louder, stronger, more confident. Pushing myself to my limits, I ran into Ponyville, set on my goal. Oh, Ah’ll never find him at this rate. He could be anywhere now; why would I leave? Why would I- NO! Applejack, you will find him, you will get through this, and you will atone for what you’ve done! You are an Apple, consarnit, and you will find a way! Oh hay, I’ve already searched half of Ponyville...Ah’m...Ah’m too tuckered out...gotta...gotta take a breather...just for a second… Ah fall down in the mud on my side, breathing shallowly. Ah’d never run this hard in my life. Ah...Ah shouldn’t have pushed myself so hard. “Autumn…” Ah whisper. “Ah’m sorry...Ah’m so sor-” “APPLEJACK!” My ear flips up and swivels, picking up the familiar voice. Ah shakily get to mah hooves and turn to the voice, and mah eyes widen at the sight. Autumn, crazy eyed and soaked, is just bolting down the road, screaming at the top of his lungs. “APPLEJACK!!” Applejackapplejackapplejackwhereisapplejackapplejackapplejack?!??! “A-Autumn!” APPLEJACK! I turn, almost unbelieving. But there she is, standing on unsure hooves at the side of the road, breathing hard. I don’t let myself catch my breath. I can’t waste any more time. I run up to her, not thinking. I stop about two feet in front of her, just standing there, breathing raggedly. There’s that face. There’s those eyes. But the smile is absent. “A-Autumn…” she breathes, looking a bit frightened. Gulping, she steeled her resolve and takes a shaky step towards me. “Autumn, Ah can’t express in words how sorry Ah am. There’s no denying what happened. Everything points to it. We were in bed together, we had been drinking, you weren’t wearing anything...Ah took advantage of you. Ah should have been more c-careful with drinking, A-Ah should have been more responsible.” Tears began to fall from her angelic eyes as she spoke. “Autumn, Ah d-don’t even know h-how to begin to make this r-right. A-Ah...Ah don’t know if Ah can.” Silence reigns, the only interruption being a crack of thunder. I take a step towards Applejack, closing the distance between us. I take a knee, looking her right in her beautiful eyes. “A-Autumn…” she says as I place one hand on the back of her head and one behind the base of her neck. “W-what’re-” She doesn’t finish. I interrupt. “Applejack, what happened doesn’t matter.” She begins to protest, but I lean in slightly, causing her to pause. “You may regret it, but I don’t. Even if it was the worst possible thing, I don’t care, and I will never hold it against you. What you did woke me up. I learned something that I should have known for a long, long time.” “A-Aut-” I press my lips into hers. I don’t pay any mind the the foreignness of the situation, but only focus on her. The texture of her lips, the feeling of her wet fur between my fingers, and the emotion that floods my body: Love.
Journal Entry #26View OnlineAwkward MorningsJournal Entry #26Journal Entry #26 My train of thought this morning was a bit odd. "God, my fucking head...wait...since when was my bedroom wall green? I’m not in my bedroom, am I? Then whose bed am I in...oh fuck." Yeah, it was something like that. Now if you’re confused, don’t worry. So was I. You’d be a bit out of sorts too if you woke up next to a coworker. ...Hm? Oh, that’s right. I didn’t give her name. On the upside, I just gave her gender. There it is again! Two sentences in a row. I’m on a roll now. Right, sorry, name. Applejack. She’s pretty distinguishable. Orange coat, blonde mane, wears a hat that’s coolness is only rivaled by the almighty fez. Yes, a Stetson. Three apples on her ass, southern accent; that’s southern America, mind you. No, not South America, south America. Am I prattling? Apologies, it’s in my nature to prattle. Or is it my biology? Wait, no, I’m thinking psychology. Is that the right - I’m doing it again. Derailing. Tangents. Cosine. No, that’s trigonometry. Never did pass trigonometry. Too many shapes. Or is that geometry? Did I pass geometry? Why am I apologizing to my journal? Applejack. Bedroom. Me. Naked. Did I mention that I was naked? I only ask because I was. Naked, that is. At the moment to which I’m referring to. That being when I woke up next to Applejack, the southern apple ass girl. Although I suppose ‘mare’ would be a more appropriate word for her. Because she’s a horse. Pony, actually. Stunted from birth, all of them. I thought it was horrific, but they didn’t know what the hell I was talking about. Right, naked, I was naked. I wasn’t quite sure why I was naked, but I was sure about what the aching pain in my head was. Hangover. Applejack found an unsold cask that Big Macintosh hid in the basement, and we fucking chugged that thing. Did I mention who Big Mac was? Macintosh, that is. Or Mac, whichever you prefer. Brother. Big brother. Applejack’s big brother. Big and red. Big Red. Juicy Fruit. Wait, no, those are gums...where was I? Naked in Applejack’s bed, that’s where I was. So there I was, naked, in Applejack’s bed, trying to retrace my steps. I remembered drinking the hidden cask, and thinking that it was a tad rude that we were drinking Big Mac’s stash. I think Applejack had said something about him owing her anyways, but that didn’t really make me feel any better about it. Though I doubt someone as placid as Big Mac would start cracking heads over some cider. I certainly wasn’t afraid that he would lecture me. Not with his vocabulary. Naked. Applejack. Bed. Right. So...waking up naked next to some pony who is not only my coworker, but also one of my best friends, and also somebody that I may or may not have the tiniest crush on...yeah, it’s a bit jarring. I won’t lie, I spent about two minutes just repeating ‘oh shit’ in my head. Once I finally regained my composure, to a certain extent, I assessed the situation. I’m lying on my back, and Applejack is on her side facing towards me. You know, it was actually kind of strange seeing her without her Stetson on. Not as strange as it was waking up next to her, but still. Strange. And adorable. But mostly strange. And also adorable. Assessment. I was assessing. One of the things I noticed was Applejacks snoring. And it wasn’t one of those obnoxiously loud horrible snorting sounds, no. It was more like…white noise, I suppose. Like I could fall asleep to it. I hesitate to call it ‘cute’. ‘Endearing’, that’s what I’d call it. What I called it. What I just called it. Sorry to change the subject, but am I downplaying how much I was freaking out? I think I am. My freaking out was about fifty percent ‘I’m in the nude in a bed next to my friend and that holds some implications’ and fifty percent ‘If a misunderstanding goes down, I am multiple variates of fuuuuucked.’ Alright, plan. Needed a plan. And so I planned! The plan was that I would turn over in bed, get out, cross the room to the door, open it, walk to my room, and pretend nothing had happened, all the while making sure that Applejack didn’t wake up. It seemed like a good plan. At the time. But hey, hindsight is twenty twenty. I got about one step though my plan before it collapsed like a bad game of Jenga. Or would that be a good game of Jenga? Either way, when I turned onto my side, Applejack mumbled something indistinctly, wrapped a hoof around my midsection, and pressed her muzzle into my shoulder. “Well...this complicates things.” No, wait, that’s not what I was thinking. Damn you ink and your ill erasability! “Fucking dammit.” “Shit.” “D’awwwww.” “Holy hell, that’s soft.” “What am I going to “How “I’m so dead, aren't You know what, I’ll just give you the gist. I felt annoyed, because she’d inadvertently thrown a wrench in my plans, scared, because I was pretty certain that she would wake up and get the completely wrong idea about whatever had happened, and embarrassed, because I felt her warm breath on my shoulder and her accented mumblings in my ear. I don’t quite remember what she said. Something about apples, no doubt. Although maybe I’m profiling by saying that. She has other interests. Like, uh...why did I write ‘uh’? I’ll just think of something then write it down No need to hesitate in writing. Except for dramatic effect, or comedic purposes. Interests. Applejack. Hers. She never tells anypony, but I’ve seen her buy a rose from Roses’ stall every morning whenever I man her stall. That wasn’t a sexual double entendre. I’m talking about her apple stall. Where she sells apples. At her stall. The apple stall. Of apples. Applejack. Hoof over chest. Speaking of, her hoof felt surprisingly velvety. Like a cat’s paw. Rarity has a cat. Opal. Opalescence. She’s a bitch. The cat, not Rarity...although… Another topic for another journal entry. Right now I’m talking about waking up next to Applejack. Naked, in bed, Applejack, hoof over chest, muzzle pressed to shoulder, warm breath, cute incoherent mumblings. First plan didn’t work. Like, at all. Needed a new plan. Okay. My second plan was pretty simple, but risky. I would pretend to be asleep until she woke up. That way, she’s less likely to buck me halfway across the known world. At least asleep, I’d look a bit more innocent then I would trying to walk out of her room naked. The risk is twofold: that Applejack would hit me anyways, or that I would make her feel guilty about whatever happened. I think the first one was preferable. Wait, no, not at all. Applejack kicks trees for a living, and has four legs. Or are the front two arms? I wouldn’t think so. I usually associate arms with either hands or bipedalness. Is bipedalness a word? I don’t think it is. Oh well. Ink. So there I was, laying on the bed, doing nothing. When given nothing to do, ones mind often wanders. Given that Applejack was right behind me, I thought about her. I tried to block out all the possible outcomes of the morning we’d shared, and instead thought of the pony herself. Honest to a fault. Strong headed. Blunt. Stubborn beyond belief. Quick to kick anything that walks on two legs. Yes, I’m still feeling that bruise on my leg. Thanks Applejack. Real good foreign policy skills. Just kick anything that doesn’t look right to you. Yeah, that’ll get you far in life. ...Hard working. Caring. Strong, in heart and mind as well as in body. Accepting...eventually. After the kicking, which admittedly, she felt awful about. After that was all over and done with, she took me in like one of her own. Introduced me to her family, who were just as kind. Gave me a job. A purpose. Friends. Giving. I guess I can add giving to the list of adjectives. My mind had taken an odd turn. I had begun the morning confused and scared, but oddly...I was started to feel complacent. Secure. Safe, with Applejack’s hoof around me and her body lightly pressed to mine. I kept thinking about her. Her soft orange fur that positively glowed when the sun set. Her straw blonde mane; it was a crime that hat of hers covered it up all the time, with how much it complimented her winsome face. Her iridescent green eyes, always so filled with determination and confidence. Her muzzle, and the way that it would softly curve into a smile, or completely burst open as she fell into a fit of uproarious laughter. And I just couldn’t stop thinking about her. I don’t think it had much to do with our close proximity anymore. For once, my mind kept on track, and didn’t divert into something absurdly unrelated. Even now, when writing about her, I find it easy to stay on course, something I haven’t been able to do for...as long as I can remember, I suppose. I don’t know how long I stayed like that. Just thinking about her. Not about the night before, or my headache, or about the possible consequences I would face from whatever happened; none of that mattered anymore. It all became brilliantly clear. I loved her. I love her. I felt the breath on my shoulder become irregular, her snoring interspersed with snorts. “Wha...huh?” Her affable accent filled my ear, her morning mumblings sweet as honey. I heard a gasp. And all I could do was smile.
Bonus Chapter: Bed-Ridden EveningsView OnlineAwkward MorningsBonus Chapter: Bed-Ridden Evenings“Achoo!” Applejack looked on sympathetically at her sick employee. Reaching over to the bedside table, she put a box of tissues between her hooves and offered them to Autumn. He eyed it, then shifted his gaze to Applejacks small smile. Returning it, he reached for the box. “Thanks…” Autumn said weakly. He took a tissue and blew his nose into it before throwing it into the bin sitting on the other side of the bed. “Y’know,” Applejack began, amused, “ya wouldn’t have caught that cold if you weren’t running out in the rain all half naked.” Autumn forced an embarrassed laugh, scratching the back of his head idly. “I guess I wasn’t really thinking with my head,” he replied. Applejack raised an eyebrow. “Then what were ya thinkin’ with?” Autumn adopted a thoughtful look in the resulting moment of silence before replying. “My heart, I suppose. Well, hearts can’t think, but, uh…” Autumn trailed off as he realized that he could probably go on rambling forever if he didn’t stop himself. “…you know what I mean.” Applejack didn’t seem to have noticed his lapse in speech. She was far more focused on what he had said rather than what he hadn’t. Her smile widened, and her eyes shone like emeralds in the sunlight. She put a hoof on Autumn’s open hand. “Ah'm glad," Applejack said quietly. She blinked, then proceeded to overthink what she had said. "Ah mean, not that you got a cold or nothing, just, that....w-well, y'know-" She paused as Autumn slowly wrapped his fingers around her hoof. They pressed into her fur to the point where she could feel the heat radiating off of them, warming her, reassuring her. "Yeah." Autumn couldn't help himself from smiling. "I know."
