Hiyah!

by A Tin Can

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Human, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 6836

A dropkick happy human enters Equestria. This will only end well.

A dropkick happy human enters Equestria. No one reads the description, so just read the story already. Unless you want to hear lil' ol' me flab my face muscles. And yeah, it's really happening. Do yourselves a favor, and don't write something like this.
[Hello, it's your pal again. Just a quick (and poor) attempt at a random story while I get my crap together. Any questions, comments, or concerns, please feel free to let me know. PM them even if you'd like to keep it private. As I always ask, please give me feedback about the story if it sucks, and why. If anything, I encourage you to dislike it. Seriously, I came up with the idea for thing at a last minute's notice fifteen minutes before I went to school because I saw a Jack:ajsmug:ss video on the internet, and just now got around to publishing it because while yes, it was typed out and everything, I kinda just pushed it away and under some old junk. Same rules apply as always, I add tags as I move along. Enjoy.]

Published 2015-06-23 06:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-12-11 01:11:45 UTC

Round one!

Author's Note

Round One. Enjoy, or he will find you. And that's something you don't want. Or better yet, at least let me know if this should continue.

Round one!

A creature looked out at the town from a hill. The sun rising on the horizon, the birds chirping, and the sweet smell of flowers and clean, unpolluted air reached his senses. 'Yes', it thought,'this will be the perfect place to start domination'. It jumped up into the air and started flying into the town.

"Dropkick!"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Twilight was reading books. Come on, we all expect this nerd to be reading. Anyways, she was sipping coffee while reading through her book, when Spike begins bumbling down the stairs.

"Spike," Twilight began,"I've been waiting for you. Could you please make breakfast?"

"Can't you do it yourself?" Spike grumbled.

"Remember what happened last time?" She asked.

"... Point taken. I'll get right on it," The purple drake replied.

Yes, Twilight was enjoying a book with coffee, and her ~~slave~~ loyal assistant was now making breakfast. This day was off to a good start-

"Hiyah!" A voice yelled from outside.

Suddenly, a creature crashed through the window feet first, and said feet connecting with Twilights face. She flew across the room and crashed into the bookshelves, knocked out.

"Dropkick!" It yelled while pumping its fists into the air, before crying out again as it leaped out the window.

Spike ran back into the main room to see what the problem was, and saw Twilight. He contemplated calling the authorities, but decided against it. Instead, he finished breakfast, left it for Twilight at the table, and ran to the upstairs bedroom with a tub of ice cream.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Fluttershy was enjoying a nice tea party with her animal friends Harry the bear, Angel the bunny, and Fluffy the manticore. Angel was uncomfortable around the two predators, but did so anyway for Fluttershy. The demonic white hare was nibbling on one of the crumpets, enjoying that Fluttershy still favorites him by putting carrots in his crumpets. Yet, despite his appearance though, he planned for world domination. Soon, no one would demean him as a 'cute wittle bunny wabbit', oh no! He would rule them all as Angel the Destroyer! Mwuhahaha-

Belch!

"Angel, manners," Fluttershy asked gently.

... but for now he would have to listen to these peons. Nodding, he tapped his mouth with a handkerchief and gave a fake sheepish smile.
Pointing to the the teapot, then his cup, he made gestures only suggesting he wanted tea. He may be evil, but Fluttershy made real good tea party goods. Perhaps she could be his secretary once he's global emperor?

"Very well Angel," The butter colored pony said.

As she tipped the pot over his cup, something unexpected happened. The pot lid fell off.

"Hiyah!"

A pair of feet flew from out of the teapot and sent Angel flying deep into the Everfree forest. A creature climbed out of the teapot while Fluttershy was too busy zooming after Angel.

He brushed himself off and stole Angels crumpets. The predators looked at him, and growled at first. When the creature didn't back down, they nodded like a disciple to their master to him, and gave him bro-fists.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Rainbow Dash. Fastest flier in Equestria. And here she was, sleeping on a cloud. Now, normally, she had duties to do with the weather team, but today was her day off. So what better way to spend it then nap?

"Screeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

The noise brought her from her slumber, and was confused to see a white rabbit flying off into the forest. This didn't bother her much... until an odd, predatory tune started up. She looked up in surprise, wondering where the orchestral theme was coming from. It's dark feel didn't exactly comfort her.

" Eheheh... Pinkie, is that you?" She asked nervously. " C'mon Pinkie, I know you're out there..." Rainbow trailed off, before realizing she was in the sky with a cloud.

Now this was cause for concern. And she noticed that more clouds were starting to gather around hers. Suddenly, a fin sprouted from one of the clouds a distance away from her. She began to panic. She was just about ready to fly off, when suddenly, the finned thing dived under. Still worried, she looked over the edge of her cloud to make sure it was gone.

Big mistake.

" Hiyah!" A creature shouted, it's feet colliding with her face from beneath the clouds. Rainbow Dash was launched back onto the cloud, and skidded a couple of feet back. Her hoof reached to her face to find she had a bloody nose, and looked up. There was a strange bipedal creature in a business-stallions suit and tie, and was almost hairless with the exception of a short, hair jelled black mane, and it's fur-less skin was lightly tan. Duct-taped to its back was the fin she saw earlier. Now getting a closer view of the fin, she realized it was made using cardboard and chalk. The creature crouched down to Rainbow Dash, and grinned.

" Dropkick," Was the last word she heard before her lights went out from the pain.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Applejack was currently bucking apple trees. The work was hard, but the work was honest and money was plentifully available. Big Macintosh was in the other end of the orchard taking care of other trees, so she would have to take care of hauling her cart. Not as if that were a problem. But there were still too many apples in this section for her to do on her own today-

"Hiyah!" Something yelled from behind.

Suddenly, a creature was flying towards her. She only had time to brace herself, as the inevitable was sure to happen. She shut her eyes and braced herself. Rather than colliding with her though, the creature flew overhead and drop-kicked a tree instead. Confused, she looked up to see the creature collecting baskets.

"Figured you could use a hoof," It shrugged, placing the baskets in the nearby cart. After all, one does not simply dropkick best pony.

"Uhh, thanks pardner?" She asked, not knowing what to do.

"No problem. Let's get this orchard finished. Hiyah!"

The entire orchard was finished that very same day from the sheer awesomeness of his kicks, so that way none of the other trees would feel the pain of his kick. A world record too.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Rarity's day could not have possibly been better. For the first time in a while, she actually had some breathing time from her orders. Without warning though, a creature, ahem, a handsome creature came in through the door. It grinned at her and bowed.

Oh, Rarity could be swiped off her hooves at this point-

"Hiyah!" It yelled with a nobles accent, before it spun around a couple times and then leaped in the air. Without warning, the creatures marvelous leather dress shoes connected with her face, sending her crashing through the boutiques walls, and out into the backyard and landing in her spice garden.

The creature bowed once again to her unconscious body, and jumped into the air again through the holes in the wall, but not before sticking his pinkie high into the air.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Pinkie Pie was hiding in her room, with an assortment of furniture barricading her door and windows. Her Pinkie Sense had been going off all day, but she didn't know why until she heard about Rainbow Dash getting hospitalized. RD described something about a 'Tall creature in a suit' before passing out. All of her friends had been affected by this creature, for good or for bad. She normally would have tried to protect her friends, but once this creature attacks, it only attacks once. After all, she knew of this creature quite well...

Thump!

'Here it comes.'

Thump!

'It's at the door!'

Whump!

'Brace yourselves!'

Whump!

Crick!

Crack!

...

She heard cursing mumbles from behind the door, before thumping steps slowly faded away.

'Whew! That was a close-'

Ka-boom!

The door flew open in a fiery explosion, and she cursed at herself for not remembering it could warp physics like herself. The creature
walked in looking dusty and grimy. On its shoulder was a strange tube with smoke coming from it that reminded her of the party cannon, and he wore a pair of shades. Dropping the tube onto the ground, he walked towards Pinkie with deliberate slowness. Picking Pinkie up, he pulled her in and hugged her.

" You fought well against me, but it's futile," He said with a grin, before tossing her mid-air and drop-kicked her out of the air and through the window. She crashed into a harmless cart of flowers, before passing out.

The creature pulled his shades off and carelessly tossed them to the side. Reaching into his pockets, he pulls out a notepad and pen, before scratching her name off.

Twilight Sparkle.

Fluttershy.

Rainbow Dash.

Applejack.

Rarity.

Pinkie Pie.

Looking down the list, he spotted the rest of his targets.

Trixie.

Gilda.

The Flim Flam brothers.

Lyra Heartstrings

Celestia.

Luna.

Blue Blood.

Discord.

Chrysalis.

King Sombra.

Flash Sentry.

Tirek.

... This is gonna be a while.

Round two!

The Great and Powerful Trixie... was down in the dumps. That Twilight Sparkle back in that backwater town had succeeded in overpowering her not once, but twice! Trixie had been hearing some rumors as of late though that there was a creature whom had managed to defeat her. So, Trixie set up a master plan to capture this beast and force it to work for her. A trail of candy leading to a box held up by a stick with a string on it. The plan was foolproof to capture this simple minded creature. Trixie waited from behind a bush patiently, hoping for her prey to arrive. If she captured this dangerous beast, ponies big and small would cheer 'Trixie the Beast Tamer!'.

"Ooh, piece of candy," A masculine voice arose from above

Suddenly, a bi-pedal creature in a business-stallions suit landed softly on the ground as if it were made of cotton. The creature bent over, grabbed the first piece of candy and ate it.

"Ooh, piece of candy".

...

"Ooh, piece of candy".

...

"Ooh, piece of candy".

...

"Ooh, piece of candy".

...

"Ooh, piece of candy".

...

"Ooh, piece of candy".

...

"Ooh, piece of candy".

...

"Ooh, piece of candy".

Now!

Trixie tugged on the string, causing the box to collapse and fall over the bi-pedal creature while it bent down to pick up the candy. Trixie danced in place with glee for a brief moment, but ran over to the jiggling box to tame her newly captured servant.

Trixie slowly lifted up the box, and spoke. "I have successfully outwitted you creature. Upon being bested, perhaps now you are ready to serve your new mistress, The Great and Powerful-"

"Hiyah!"

A pair of size eleven leather soles flew out from underneath the box and collided with Trixie's face, sending her flying several feet back before she skidded to a halt face first and stopping, groaning in pain as she slips into unconsciousness.

The creature slid out from under the box and stood up, brushing itself off.

"They always fall for that one," It spoke out cheerfully to no one in particular.

Suddenly, a jingly ringing came from it's one of it's pockets, and it reached in to pull out a flip phone. Opening the flip phone, it put the phone up to its ear.

"Yellow," It said.

"Howdy!" A voice cheered out from the phone, "It's me, your employer! I just thought I'd let you know to add a few more to the list".

The creature held the phone between its shoulder and head, and pulled out its list and a pen from earlier.

"Kay', I'm ready when you are".

"Great! Okay, first ones are Iron Will, Princess Cadance, and Shining Armor".

"Overcompensating man-child, Cadance... and Armor... got it".

"Next up are the Cutie Mark Crusaders. Then there's Zecora, the potion maker? And finally to add to the list is Diamond Brat and her sidekick Blunder Spoon. I'm pretty sure you know who I'm talking about, right? "

"The C.M.C., the hermit lady, and... Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. That all?"

"Yuppers! That should be it! I'll keep you updated whenever I can."

"Alright, but I better be getting-"

Click.

"... Bonus pay... screw my life..."

All that resounded from the phone was a dial tone now. Shaking its head and shrugging, the creature shut the phone and tucked it away. Cracking its neck, the creature jumped back up into the sky like a superhero and screamed its furious battle-cry.

"Dropkick!"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Gilda was not a happy Gryphon at the best of times. That being said, she was even less thrilled when she found that one of the only safe passes into her homeland, Griffonstone, was through Ponyville. She traveled Equestria for a good while, but now it was time for her to head home. Quite a shame, really. Nah, I'm just kidding, the b:pinkiegasp:ch needed to go. But that'll come in a second. She was slipping through the town, trying her best to not get noticed. Not paying the best of her attention, she bumped into someone. Looking up, she sees it's her again.

"O-oh my, I'm so sorry," Fluttershy squeaked out.

"Yeah? You should be! Always a klutz, so weak! What's wrong, leave your diapers at home baby?!" Gilda screeched out.

Leaving a crying Fluttershy behind, she turned around, only to bump into a pair of well-dressed legs. Looking up, she sees a face scowling down on her in disgust.

"What do you want you ugly ape?" She growled.

"Your soul," it growled evilly.

Gilda had no time to react as the creature bent down and uppercut her in a flash. And in the fraction of the time she was airborne, the creature jumped up.

"Hiyah!"

Gilda was sent flying out of town, and a sound cone began forming around her body.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMM!!!

Her body created a sonic rainboom, and soon enough the streaming rainbow Gryphon disappeared over the horizon. The ponies in the town stopped their general activities and looked at the creature in awe. With a flourished bow towards the townsfolk, the creature turned towards the startled Fluttershy.

"Next time, just call this number. I'll be there free of charge the first time around, but after that you'll have to pay," It said, handing her a business card.

Call 1-800-DROPKICK for your very own personal Guard, Assassin, Mercenary, ~~Sex Escort~~, and so many more options!

"Dropkick!" She heard the creature yell. Looking up, she saw the creature flying off, despite not having any wings. Strangely enough, she thought the creature seemed familiar, but couldn't put her hoof on it...
~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Danged varmints... settin up shop again in this town..." AJ grumbled. To be honest, she was upset. Those darn Flim-Flam brothers came back into town with an improved version of the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000; The Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 7000. Applejack honestly didn't see much of a difference, other than the paint job and complementary cup-holders.

The problem? They were actually taking customers from Sweet Apple Acres. And that stupid jingle they sung. It was catchy, but stupid. Suddenly, she heard something land beside her. She looked up to see the same fellow that helped out around the acres. And who also attacked her friends. She was conflicted with him, he was a... what was that fancy word? Enigma? Anyway, she wasn't sure what to think. Sure he helped out around the farm, clearing the orchards faster than she ever could of hoped, but he still hurt her friends. Admittedly, it was funny when she heard how it happened to Rarity, but it's still the principle of the matter!

It walked towards the Flim-Flam brothers, apparently sizing them up by the way it looked at them.

"Can I help you dear sir?" Flim said.

"Well I'm sure my dear brother that he's here from a far away land just to try our cider!" Flam cheered.

"You guys the Flim-Flam brothers?" It said in its usual masculine tone.

"Why yes indeed! He's Flim!"

"He's Flam!"

"And we're the world famous Flim-Flam brothers!"

The creature looked at them bemusedly. It put its paws to its mouth, and let out a shrill whistle.

"Yo! Come on out!" it yelled.

A rustling was heard from nearby bushes, and another bi-pedal creature came out. This one was different though. It's brown mane was shaggy, had blue eyes and a scruffy beard. It wore a green shirt with a picture of a tree with the words 'Got wood?' underneath, and wore baggy yoga pants and flip-flops on its lower paws.

"What?" It said lazily, scratching its flank.

"Dear Flim-Flam brothers, I would like to introduce ourselves. I'm Kickston, and this is my lazy brother Cuppy".

"Sup," 'Cuppy' said .

"Sure, he doesn't go anywhere besides my couch and eat Pringles all day, but he's still family. That's besides the point though. We have a business proposition".

The unicorns' eyes brightened at that.

"A... business proposition you say?" Flim asked curiously.

"Yes we do. Cuppy, could you let him know more closely?"

"Sure"

The second one leaned in closer to Flim. Before Flim knew what happened, the unthinkable happened.

"Cupcheck!"

The second one swiped his hand under the stallion, and gave a swift slap to the balls. Flam was ready to go in and save his brother, when a cry was heard from the first one.

"Hiyah!"

Flam was sent flying back by the first ones feet, and collided with the cider making contraption, knocking him unconscious.

It then got up off of the ground and dusted himself off, and walked towards the crying Flim whom clutched his stallion-hood.

"Our business proposition is this; get the hell out of town and we won't do anything worse. You've caused enough problems for these simple folk who are trying to make a living. Now get the hell off of this farm!" The first one said softly at first, but yelled out at the end.

Flim didn't need to be told twice, as he crawled onto the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 7000 and levitated his unconscious brother onto it, and they drove off and away. Far away. It nodded with a small smile, and turned to Applejack.

"If you need anything else, don't be afraid to holler," it said, handing Applejack a business card.

"Dropkick!" the creature hollered, flying off into the sky.

"Dropkick!" the other one said, only for nothing to happen.

"Cupcheck?" He said, hoping for results again.

"Hiyah? Wort Wort Wort? Snickerdoodle?!" He tried, but to no avail.

Sighing, he turns to the ponies in the crowd that had gathered for a glass of cider, all of whom were wearing masks of shock and awe.

"Uhh... do any of you have a phone I could use real quick? I need to call a cab".

Applejack had right then and there decided that, despite his methods, this being was a great friend to have, and would cherish its business card.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Perfection is the reason why He is here! He has come to give us a chance of salvation, and to show us that our newly found light is underneath His hands!" Lyra yelled from a podium.

A decently sized crowd of ponies had actually gathered around her. Bon-Bon was sitting in the back, with her face resting deeply within her hoof at Lyra's antics. A few days ago, A 'Hue-min' had appeared, and attacked some ponies, more specifically went after The Elements. It came by later today and kicked a poor gryphon into oblivion. Granted, that gryphon was causing problems, but she didn't need to suffer like that. And not to mention that, most recently, he attacked the Flim-Flam brothers too.

"He has delivered divine punishment to those who cross the innocent, and those who are loyal to the tyranny of Celestia. This. Is. The end! But do not be wary fellows, for the end He brings will be His followers' new beginning! He will bring us into a crusade against the wicked!"

"Excuse me miss?" A voice said from the backstage.

Bon-Bon turned, and looked on with uncertain fear.

Lyra's head turned toward the creature, and stared on with glee.

"Our dark lord and savior is here, for He is here to spread His wisdom!" Lyra gleefully yelled as the creature walked onto the stage with a set of index cards.

"Ahem, alright," it began, "First off; do you sincerely think I'm a god?! Pfft, that's the greatest bit of comedy I've ever heard. I'm far from godly. Hell, last week I farted in the cheese aisle at a grocery store. Then a couple came by and complimented how good the cheese there smelled. Do you know how awkward that was for me? Secondly, if you want to be religious nutcases talking about crusades, just read the damn Bible. At least then you'd be mainstream about it. So stop worshiping me please. I'm not a god, I'm just your average twenty-seven year old male human who happens to be in the 'soldier for hire' business. Nothing more, nothing less. Actually, I used to be a sex escort too, but I stopped that after that one time with... ughh... tentacles everywhere... never mind".

And with that, the creature began to walk off stage, but stopped.

"Oh, almost forgot. Hiyah!"

He flew back at Lyra, and drop-kicked her. She flew back against the wall, colliding with it. The creature walked up to her and crouched down to whisper in her ear.

"Psst, please tear down that shrine of me you have in your closet. It's beyond creepy".

Lyra, despite having imaginary birds flying around her head, blushed and nodded.

"Right then. Dropkick!"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Celestia was reading the letter with worry. According to her student, a creature was in Ponyville causing havoc. The strange thing about this creature was its intentions. While it was caught committing acts of kindness and aiding the townsfolk, it was also attacking innocent ponies. This creature was almost as confusing as Discord. So in order to take care of it, she sent Equestrias finest guards, along with the recently appointed Captain Flash Sentry. She just hoped they could capture the creature for questioning.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"C'mon... are we there yet?"

"Green, if you don't shut up, I will personally buck you out of this carriage. And it'll be an awfully long drop for you".

Flash was sent to a town called Ponyville to find a tall creature in a business-stallion suit. It didn't help that he decided to take a pair of recruits on this mission as well.

"Oh c'mon Fresh, you don't mean that, right?" Green Grass said.

"Depends, you wanna find out?" Fresh Bait replied.

As to why or how these two managed to pass the entry exams and survive training, it was a mystery to him. Luckily for him though, they weren't the only ones on this mission. Along with him were eighteen well trained guards, all primed and ready to take this beast down. The carriages safely touched down just outside of the town, and the soldiers emptied out. The reason they brought this many guards to apprehend one creature was so they could spread out and find it faster, and because of Celestia warning of how dangerous it was.

"Remember fillies and colts, we're here on a mission. Stay frosty," The captain ordered.

Just as the guards were ready to split up, they heard a cry from above.

"Hiyah!"

The creature they were looking for was ready to crash onto them. Acting on instinct, one of the guards blasted the creature with a magic bolt, sending the creature hurtling away before it crashed in some bushes.

"That thing was a threat?" Green muttered.

Suddenly, the creature burst out of the bushes, looking angry.

"You ruined my tie!" It yelled out.

"Oh great, it's a vanity freak," Fresh groaned.

The creature charged towards the guards and jumped into the air again.

"Hiya-" it didn't get to finish its yell as it was blasted back with another bolt.

Getting up, it charged and jumped again.

"Hi-"

But was unfortunately blasted again.

"H-"

And again.

"Hiy-"

And again.

Eventually, the creature was blasted back a final time, skidding across the road. It slowly got up, groaning in pain. Its business suit was completely tattered, and it was coated in bloody wounds and scrapes, but it still stood with a fire in its eye.

"Screw you! I don't need to put up with this crap!" it yelled, running off towards the town.

"After it!" Flash yelled.

Suddenly, as they were chasing the creature, a tune started to fill the air seemingly out of nowhere.

The creature ran through the town, dodging townsfolk and carts to and fro, with the guard in hot pursuit. One of the faster guards almost caught up to it, when a cart appeared out of nowhere between the two. Unable to slow down, she crashed into the cart, freshly coated in mushed apples. The pony hauling the cart was Applejack, and she tipped her hat to the creature. The creature looked back, and smiled with a nod.

The creature was coming near the town sqaure, but saw a small group of guards ahead, in a peculiar triangular formation. Get struck with an idea, the creature grinned.

"Hiyah!" He yelled, flying straight towards the center guard.

The guards were unfortunately charged through like paper, and were knocked over like bowling pins.

"Strike!" It yelled, continuing down the road. Spotting an alley to the left, it charged over to prepare.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Flash and the guards saw the creature dive into the alley. Sending an order to surround the alley, the guards did just that. Flash noticed movement in the alley and something glowing for a minute.

"Alright creature!" Flash yelled,"We have you surrounded. You have the right to remain silent, and anything you say can and will be used against you in the Court of Law. What is your defense?"

A low, muffled chuckling was heard from the alley, and a pair of unblinking, glowing green eyes rose up to stare at flash, sending a chill up his.

"My defense? t51-b power armor. Hiyah!"

The creature started to charge, which Flash responded to by throwing his spear. A metallic clinking was heard, and he saw why. The creature was flying through the air in a suit that seemed impossible to even move. Flash couldn't help it; he froze up in fear. The creatures now armored feet collided with the soldiers face, sending the pegasus flying into a building across the street and through a window.

"And that's for all the worthless forty year-old neck-beards back home in their mothers' basements!" The creature yelled from behind its helmet.

All the guards looked at the now armored creature in awe. But nonetheless, lifted their spears up at him.

"Oh? That's cute, really is. But you're not on my list, so don't worry. Dropkick!" the creature yelled, flying off into the sky. The pegasi were unable to fly after him, due to the speed he took off at.

The recruits lean in to one of the other guards.

"Psst... is this what all of these missions are like?" Green asked.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Rarity was in her shop, nursing her still sore body. Luckily, insurance covered the property damage, and considering Ponyvilles accident streak, they worked fast on getting it fixed. Although she was sore, she didn't suffer anything other than a couple of bruises and a concussion, but they let her out after a couple of days. Still though, she was unhappy that such a handsome fellow wasn't as friendly as he appeared.

Ja-cling!

Speak of Sombra and he shall appear. Here was the creature again, but his suit was torn up and dirty. Not to mention he had wounds covering his body.

"Greetings madam," He said tiredly, "You uhhh... you're a seamstress, right?"

"Yes..." She said slowly,"And judging by your appearance, I'd say you need your suit fixed?"

"Yes I do".

"Hmm... I don't know... I may be the Element of Generosity, but considering how you treated me last time... what's it worth to you?"

"You aren't the only one I've kicked you know. Blueblood happens to be next on my list, you wanna come and see it?"

"You drive a hard bargain Mr..."

"Kickston... just Kickston..."

"Hmm... understood Mr. Kickston, but one more condition..."

"Yes? Please, anything, I need this suit ready as soon as possible".

"Would you like to take me out for dinner later this evening?"

"... You're kidding, right?"

"Welll... if the suit doesn't mean that much to you..."

"Sigh, fine. Does seven o' clock sound good?"

"Yes, it sounds excellent. Unfortunately, I wont have the suit done in a little bit based on its appearance, so you'll have to wait a while. Come by at five to pick it up, and it should be good".

"Mother of... understood".

"Excellent! Now if you wouldn't mind taking it off?"

"... understood madam".
~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The creature was spotted by ponies walking out of carousel boutique, but the weird thing about it right now was that it was wearing nothing but a pair of undergarments and several bandages. Looking up at the clock tower, the creature sees it's one o' clock.

The creature looks down on itself, and frowns.

"Well... serves me right for not packing a spare suit in my hammer-space pocket... this is gonna be awkward... Dropkick!"

And with that, the almost naked creature flew out into the sky. Heading towards Canterlot.

Author's Note

Alright, so I promised someone I'd get this out in a week, and I've done it. Don't know when the next one will be... I'll be gone a while visiting family on the 4th of July. It'll be a few days, but until then, be patient.

Round three!

Thump.

Kickston landed just at the base of the mountain to catch his breath, still in his boxers and bandages. Taking a look up the mountain, he studies the height.

"...Sigh, knew I should've just taken the train. I really need to lay off the hot-pockets".

Shrugging, he sighs again, before letting out his trademarked cry and flying up.

"Dropkick!"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Blueblood is a pompous arse, we all know this. And we all suspect he's gay too. Good thing both of those are canon in this fic, right? Blueblood had called up a delivery a little while back, and he had already prepared himself for what was to be a good time, aka Black Jack and Male Strippers. Sipping on his tea in patience, he sighed as the doorbell rang.

Opening the door, he comes face to face with a minotaur dressed for the occasion, wearing a tight mail-stallions suit and holding a large box right in front of where a certain no-no square lies.

"I take it you brought your 'Package'?" Blueballs asked

"Oh yes~" The minotaur replied, opening the package.

Then all hell broke loose. In the form of a well defined, almost naked human.

"Hiyah!"

A pair of bare feet sprouted from the box, slowly though, as he crawled out and brushed himself off.

"... I didn't ask for any exotic dancers, but I can make this work," Blueblood said devilishly.

"Yeah, about that, this isn't what you think it is. I've been hired by someone to pay you a visit," the creature said.

Blueblood looked at the creature confusedly, before going wide-eyed as the creature reached into his underwear and pulled out a pair of large pies while the minotaur pulled out a camera.

"Some pies mothabucka!"

The creature threw the pies into Bluebloods face, smearing them all over him and his dapper suit.

"My mane!!! It's ruined!" Blueblood screamed, before promptly fainting.

The creature looked down on him sadly.

"I'm so sorry I ruined your suit by the way. You may have been an a-hole, but you knew how to dress, I'll give you that," It said, before turning to the minotaur and tossing him a bag of bits. "Thanks by the way for helping me out with this Will, and here's your cut".

"Anytime, this was definitely worth it," Iron Will said, scratching his chin as he grinned down on Blueblood.

"... By the way, you wouldn't happen to have a spare Mailman suit, would you?"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Celestia was beyond concerned, but only her more experienced guards could see it. According to reports, the 'Kicking Mad-Stallion' as many had turned to calling it, had been sighted within Canterlot. Unfortunately, there was not much she could do at the moment, seeing as how these nobles and their 'complaints' have been keeping her from taking the matter into her own hooves. Until a battered guard entering the room and falling to the ground caught her attention.

Jumping from the throne and ignoring the complaining nobles, she galloped over to the guard.

"What is it my little pony?" She asked calmly.

"The... the creature is-" The guard began, but was interrupted by the main doors swinging open, and a creature in a peculiarly tight mail-stallions suit.

"American express! Special Delivery!"

The nobles panicked and fled the room rather quickly as the creature ran towards Celestia.

"Praise the sun b:pinkiegasp:ch!" It yelled out, jumping into the air and flying towards Celestia...

...Only to be grabbed in her telekinesis and thrown up to the ceiling, and falling back down with a crash.

"Oww..." It muttered, sitting up and rubbing it's head.

"Did you legitimately believe that such a simple tactic would've worked?" Celestia asked, gazing down at the creature.

"... Yes. But Celestia, I must ask, what is that on your face?" The creature asked.

"What? Something on my face?" Celestia asked, tilting her head and looking at the creature with confusion.

Suddenly, the 'creature' disappeared into a cloud of smoke and was replaced with a log that clacked onto the ground.

"It was pain!" She heard from behind.

Celestia barely had time to even react. As she quickly spun around, a pair of feet collided with the side of her face, sending her flying into a wall across the room. The creature landed on it's feet, not far from Celestia herself. It pulled out a notepad, marking something on it before closing it up and stuffing it away.

"Man, these shorts are tight," It mumbled, rubbing at one of its legs. "Wasn't able to go full force,".

And with a shrug, the creature clicked its heels and yelled it's furious battlec-

"Dropkick!"

... don't f:pinkiegasp:ing interrupt me next time.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The skies were green, the grass was blue, and the birds were mooing. Something was wrong here. A certain god of chaos was resting at his post, awaiting the creature. Luckily, Discord had read the past chapters, so he knew it was going to be his turn. He was leaned against a Cottonwood tree, with 100% pure cotton bark, and had a cow-printed cow-pony hat tipped over his head, providing shade over his face. A theme of a western variety was playing.

The man we're all acquainted walked up to Discord, no longer donning the Mailman suit, but stood there proudly with nothing but what he was born with. It's okay though, there's a censor bar... though he's kinda small

Kickston looked up at the author with a snarl.

"What the crap?! Not cool! Don't listen, he's lying!" Kickston yelled out in embarrassment.

What are you talking about?

"You know well what he's talking about," Discord chuckled.

Seriously, I did nothing wrong-

"Bull Puckey and you know it! And another thing, there's a plot hole you so blatantly missed!" Kickston said, before turning to Discord. "No pun intended of course".

Discord merely shrugged.

"If I could summon power armor last round, then why the hell can't I summon a suit?!"

Well, your Hammerspa-

"Huh?!"

But you don't underst-

"No buts!"

Grrr... you know what?! I gave you a hammerspace to store stuff in, and you had the opportunity to bring more stuff, but fine! Take a suit! A suit mysteriously fazed into existence upon Kickston. Without further ado, let the games begin! We'll talk about this later...

Discord cracked his neck, and gained a serious look, staring daggers into Kickston.

"Well well well..." Discord muttered, spitting onto the ground and rubbing the brim of his hat. "You've been stirring up some trouble, human. I don't think you understand... there's only enough room for one chaos bringer in this universe..."

The human grinned, craning his neck to the side and cracking it, before repeating the process on the other side.

"Yeah yeah, for the good of Equestria, you must stop me, blah blah blah, threat threat threat. Can we get this over with? I've got a dinner date at seven".

Discords poofed into a cloud, and came out with his attire shifted into a Gi with a black belt on it, before he bowed.

"Of course," Discord began, before shifting into a stance and motioned for Kickston with his lion paw, "Come at me bro".

"Hiyah!" Kickston yelled, leaping at Discord.

Discord swiftly judo chopped Kickston out of the air with a brutal 'Hiyah!' in return.

"Gakusei, you have much to learn in the applications of the Unnecessary Kung Fu Scream. For example... Hiiiiyaaaaah!"

Discords roar shattered the very earth, with prismatic rays shining through the cracks in the ground. Energy seemed to be pouring into his inner being, and flowing out through his... oh no... Discord grinned devilishly, before turning around and bending over.

"Gas Giant Style, Winds of a Thousand Backsides!" Discord yelled with righteous fury, as a dual beam of rainbows and visibly green shart flew towards Kickston, who was too paralyzed and speechless by the awesomeness of what he was witnessing.

The blast completely consumed Kickston, causing him to shriek in horror and pain, as he disappeared in the beam. Slowly, but surely, the beam faded, leaving nothing but a deep ditch singing with crap and smoke. At the end of the ditch was a decent crater, where Kickston rested, back in his birthday suit. He whipped his head up... at the author... I see where this is going... alright, fine... ahem, miraculously, his suit was completely unscathed, though he felt the pain all too truly. But he was not angered by this... on the contrary, he was thrilled! He rolled back a little, and pushed himself up into the air with his hands, before landing on his feet perfectly, and bowing.

"Yes, Sensei, but you do not seem to understand..." He said, before making a series of hand gestures. "Shadow Clone Ninjitsu!"

Without warning, thousands of Kickston copies appeared out of clouds of smoke.

"We are legion, for we are many! And we are the masters of references!"

Discord stared in shock, before muttering something along the lines of 'mercy'. Or 'uncle'. Not really sure, couldn't hear it over the sound of him getting his flank kicked. On the plus side though, He found a nickel after Kickston disappeared with his trademark yell.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Kickston landed harmlessly, just outside of Ponyville, before opening up the hammerspace... which he had filled up with a few things from some stores in Canterlot for the date. Double checking his inventory, he then pulls out a flip phone, and dials a number. Sticking his ear to the device, he waits for someone, or rather, somepony, to answer.

Rrriiing...

Rrriiing...

"Bonjour? Zis is Olive's Garden, how may help you?" A french accented stallion asked from the other end.

"Yes, this is 'Mr. Kickston', I'd like to clarify my reservations for two? The table next to the windows we talked about?"

"Ahhhh... yes, yes, that table. You are quite the gentlecolt, and your lady is lucky to have such a beautiful table with you today".

"Thank you kindly sir, have a nice day," Kickston said, shutting the flip phone and putting it in his pocket. He sighs, shaking his head. He didn't exactly expect a date with a former target. Surely, this day has turned out to be... interesting.

Author's Note

Author: Y'all are probably asking 'What the hell man, what took you so long?!'. And to that I'd like to reply that I have no excuse other than absolute laziness. I mean, you can't just force it. You know how hard that is? Well, I hope the size of this chapter doesn't matter... can't say the same for Kickston...
Kickston: ... I hate you more than words can express...
Author: Hey, not my fault, blame your maker.
Kickston: ... which is you...
Author: Oh... hehe... right... OH JEEZ LOOK AT THE TIME! LATER! :trollestia:
Jumps out the window with a giggle, flying into the sunset.
Kickston: ...GET BACK HERE!!! HIYAH!
Starts flying towards the author feet first.