So...you don't wanna do me?

by Dr Atlas

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Adventure, Sex, Big Macintosh
Length: 3506

Big Mac has prepared himself for "spring fever", only to find out that this year's very different from the past ones.

Weeks of planning has prepared Macintosh for the month mares decide to harass him and every other stallion in Equestria.
But after getting kicked out of the house, he finds out that this time it's different...
Very different.

Published 2015-03-14 19:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-04-14 23:00:10 UTC

Why Today!?

“Uh...ah...AH…AAAHH CHOOOOOOH...guh….Big MAAAAAAAAC!”

Applejack coughed and continued walking through the upstairs hallway. Her head pounded with pain and her legs could barely hold her up. She groaned and adjusted the blanket covering most of her body, and even with it she was still shivering. She had been like this for a while now, and she was getting sick (no pun intended) of the constant coughs, the freezing nights, a stuffed up nose, and throwing up once or twice after eating. She was surprised she was able to get out of bed right now.

“Uooogh...Big MAAAAAC!” She called again, her throat starting to hurt from the constant yelling. She slumped to the side of a door and weakly knocked on it. “Macintosh, I know you’re in there.” She sniffed in some snot and sighed, knowing it wouldn’t be this easy.

“Alright then…” She grabbed the doorknob, feeling no signs of it turning. “Uhg...MAC! Just open the door, it’s your sister for pete’s sake.” She ended with a cough and waited for an answer, only to receive nothing but silence in return.

She hopelessly knocked again. “Maaaaac!...come on!” She coughed again and hoped her plea would be enough, but silence continued filling the hallway, making Applejack think she was talking to herself at this point.

“Maaaaaaaaaaaaayaaayyayayaaaac! UGH!” She slid down to the floor and groaned, getting tired from this and her flu. “Mac! I don’t care what you’re doin’ in there, I care about what you’ll be doing once you’re out...so...get out here!” She stood up and grabbed the handle again, turning it with all her might.

After several attempts, the knob clicked. making the door fling open, and making AJ fall to the ground. “Uh...for once I’m glad for our shoddy craftsponyship.” She slowly stood up, trying to keep her blanket over her. “Alright, Mac where are...oh for-”

Applejack sat down in front of Big Mac’s bed, where, in plain view, she could see what looked like a...

“I can see your tail.” Once AJ said that, the short orange tail quickly dashed under the bed. Applejack rolled her eyes. “Big Mac, I know you’re under there.” All of this was giving her a bigger headache than the one she already has.

With the continued silence, Applejack decided that enough was enough, so she adjusted her stensen and walked over to the side of the bed. “Mac, if you ain’t commin’ out here, I’m gonna get you out myself, so what’s it gonna-”

“Were you followed?” A voice from under the bed said.

Applejack stepped back and tilted her head. “Was I fol- no! I was-” She hacked up a coughed and sniffed. “bleh, I was asleep until I realized that somepony was slacking off in his duties of taking care of the farm.”

“A-Ahm not slakin’ off!”

Applejack rolled her eyes and laid down in front of the bed, now looking in the eyes of her brother, who was currently curled up on the far end under the bed, shivering almost as bad as her when she was sleeping at night. “Mac, can ya explain wha you’re under here?”

Big Mac continued to shiver. “I-Ah already told ya, sis, I’m here ‘til next month, when everythan’s calm n’ cool, and when everythan’s not completely chaotic, and when nopony has those heart shaped eyes that stare into my soul!”

“What?”

Big mac shook his head. “Uh...n-nothin’ j-just, ya know, making sure things ain’t...bad, n’stuff.”

AJ sighed. “Mac, wha is it that every year, around this month, that ya act like this?”

Big mac shifted his eyes. “N-no reason.” He nervously chuckled.

Applejack still wasn’t buying it. “Mac, ahm starting to think you just hate the weather.”

“It’s not the weather, Ay Jay, it’s...w-well…”

Applejack sat up and crossed her hooves. “Well what?”

Big Mac gulped. “You don’t understand, sis. We’re talkin’ about mass destruction to the entire town, broken hearts, bones, and pride, complete chaos that even that Discord fella can’t cause-”

“Ah don’t care if the world ends, Mac, I care about the farm.” She sneezed and rubbed her nose. “ah don’t think you even know how sick ah am.”

“Of course I- ow!” He tried getting up, only to bang his head on the bottom bed. “ah know how sick you are, sis. Cause I know you-”

“Can barely get outa bed.” She shivered and grabbed the sides of her blanket, pulling them closer together to wrap herself in the warm fabric. “And right now, it’s pretty cold in here too.”

“It’s spring! How can you be cold!”

“MAC! If I was healthy right now, I woulda gone outside and worked while you stayed in here and do...w-whatever it is you’re doin’.” She then raised an eye and sniffed. “And you still haven’t answered me as to why you’re under your bed.”

Big Mac figited. “Ah told you before, Ay Jay, I’m staying in my room for...personal reasons…”

Applejack looked around him, there was an assortment of apples, canned food, apples, small barrels of cider, apples, a mug that looked like it was filled with cider, more apples...

“I don’t see any magazines, Mac. Unless you’re really into food or-”

Big Mac blushed. “Not that personal reason!”

“Then what? Do ya hate the weather? Can ya not face the sun? Cause ya seem pretty fine workin’ in the summer.”

“I can take the heat!...well, except for that other heat…”

“What other heat? Mac, from what I’m gettin’ at, it’s like you think an apocalypse is goin’ on outside, when right now.” She made her way to the window and opened it, making Big Mac gasp. “All I’m seein’ is a bright and shiny-”

Big Mac immediately ran out from under the bed and shut the window. He then shoved a nearby dresser in front of it and turned to Applejack. “It’s not just the outside.”

AJ rubbed her temples, feeling a headache coming on. “Mac, you’re really makin’ me confused and concerned. You’re startin’ to act like Applebloom on the first day of school.” She stepped forward and poked him in the chest. “Is that what you’re actin’ like right now, some scared filly who can’t face-”

“Ah ain’t afraid, Ay Jay!” Mac knew that was an outright lie, he was terrified right now, cause he knew if he stepped one hoof out of this house... “I’m just...worried is all.”

“Worried about what? The farm? Cause I’m pretty worried about what's happenin’ to it too.” She crossed her front legs. “Macintosh, how long have I been sick?”

Big Mac shrugged. “‘bout a week.”

“And how long have you been stayin’ in your room?”

“‘bout...two weeks, maybe twelve days.”

“And how long has it been since you’ve worked outside?”

Big Mac sighed. “Over two weeks.”

AJ went eye to eye with him. “And how long are ya supposed to-”

Big Mac pushed her away. “Alright! Alright...ah get it. I need to start tillin’ the fields, gettin’ more apples, all that regular routine stuff, but I told ya I need to take a break once in a while.”

AJ sneezed in her blanket. “Wha under a bed?”

“Cause it’s comfier under it than on top.” He grinned, hoping AJ would believe that, but all she did was glare at him.

“And all the food is for…” She motioned her hoof to make him finish her sentence.

“Uh...I-In case ahm hungry and don’t wanna go to the the kitchen.”

Applejack tapped her bottom hoof. “Mac…” She said plainly. “You’re workin’.”

Big Mac rapidly shook his head. “Aw nah, I ain’t steppin’ a single hoof outside of this house.”

“Mac! either you’re workin’ or you’re helpin’ me get better, and I don’t mind if I miss the bucket when I throw up.”

Truth be told, Big Mac wouldn’t mind getting chewed up lunch on him, but he knew that, if he keeps this up, he’d be doing a lot of work after all of this, all without help. Not only that, but the farm probably wouldn't survive if he didn’t do something, with his sister like this and all. So, he sighed in defeat and nodded, knowing the farm was more important than his dignity. “Alright, sis...I’ll...keep the farm runnin’”

Applejack smiled, happy to know that she won this argument, just like all of them. “Good, so wha don’t ya” She coughed again, so hard that she lost her balance and fell into Big Mac. “uhg...c-can ya help me to the bed, at least.”

Big Mac frowned, hating to see his sister like this. “Alright, come on up."

Applejack smiled and hoisted herself onto Big Mac’s back, making her front legs dangle one side and her back ones on the other, and also making sure the blanket stayed on her as well. “Thanks Macintosh. Yur...” She yawned and smacked her lips. “awh...ah good friend.”

Big Mac bit his lip, knowing that he was practically lying about why he was staying inside, he knew sooner or later he would have to tell her. “Look, sis, how ‘bout ah...tell you the truth, t-the reason why...I don’t wanna work, is..is because...Ay Jay?” The second craned his neck toward her, she saw her fast asleep. He sighed and continued walking to her room. “Perfect timing sis.” He thought.

Once he reached her room, he walked to the side of her bed and craned his head down, making Applejack slide off him and on the mattress. He then adjusted her blanket to cover her, doing so made her stir in her sleep. Big Mac stepped away as she flung her hoof to a corner of her blanket and did the rest of his work for him, almost hitting him in the process.

Big Mac rolled his eyes and turned to the door. It was at that point that something concerned him. “Wait...if it’s that time of year...then…” He grabbed the door and took one last look at Applejack. “Why ain’t she in heat?” He thought about this for a minute, then shrugged and closed the door. “Must be because she’s sick...yeah, that’s it.” Although, part of him hoped that every mare in town was sick, but he knew there was no chance of that happening.

“Nope...” He said. “No chance of that happenin’” He grumbled and made his way downstairs to the living room, seeing it empty. “Bloom must be with her friends, and granny’s probably out and about right now.” Before he knew it he walked right up to the front of the house.

Big Mac stood in front of the door. Wondering when was the right time to make a move. He looked over at a nearby clock, seeing it was ten past eight. “Ugh...wha does it have to be so early…” Though, he knew this was pretty late, since it was three hours past the time he should be working, but he knew that this was the time most ponies were up and ready for the day, especially in the middle of the week.

“Alright Mac, come on, you can do this, it’s just like every other year...where you can make it for a few hours before that...scent of heat comes your way, and before ya know it the mares are all over ya like flies on a carcass.” He shivered at both the thought and the analogy. “NO!” He stomped his hoof and yelled. “N-no. This time will be different, this time will be good, this time will be the month that Big Macintosh doesn’t get his dignity taken’ away from him by mares!” With his head held high, and bravery in his mind, he grabbed the front door and flung it open.

He then dropped his jaw and froze, unable to comprehend what was in front of him.

Author's Note

I hope you'll enjoy this fic in addition to my other "..." series.

Just stay at the farm

Nothing

That’s all there was...Nothing.

Nothing but an empty field surrounded by a fence with a barn out in the distance and trees that were even farther. Mac could only stand and stare in amazement.

He looked back and forth, still unable to comprehend what he was seeing. “B-But how?” He thought. “Why is it so empty, I expected at least ten mares waitin’ for me with their tails in the air, seein’ as how it’s the middle of the month and they’re probably gettin’ desperate.” He took his first step on the porch, flinching as it creaked. “Ah hope no one heard-”

*BARK BARK*

Big Mac jumped and hit the back of his head on the wall. “Ugh...what in-Winona!” Big Mac looked over and glared at the tail wagging dog. “Shush, girl, you want every mare in the town commin’ here!”

Winona only barked again in response, forcing Mac to flinch and look around more. When he saw no eye or tail of a mare, he stepped over to Winona, going nose to nose with the canine. “Winona, I know for a fact you ain’t feelin’ the heat every since we got ya fixed, so I don’t wanna hear any of it, alright?”

She then sneezed, making him back up and wipe the snot off him. He grumbled to himself and made his way off the porch.

He took his first step on the grass, still keeping his eyes peeled for any sign of mares. “Just keep calm, Mac. You’ve made it this far.” He looked ahead, seeing the barn. “Alright, just slowly make your way...and...with every...little step…”

*BARK*

Mac then went into high gear and ran at the barn with full speed, smacking into the red wall seconds latter. He rapidly shook his head and ran to the barn doors, flinging them open and quickly dashing inside. He then shut the doors and slammed a plank of wood in between the handles, making sure it wouldn’t open.

He backed away and slumped on a support beam. “It’s okay Mac. You’re safe...a-ain’t no mare gonna know you’re in here…” Mac knew that was a lie. He was sure some mares outside saw him, and any minute now they would be banging on the doors, trying to get in.

Minutes passed before he stood back up, surprised that it was still quiet. “Wha ain’t they bangin’ in, I thought for sure they would...w-wait…”

Big Mac slowly turned around and looked at some of the stacks of hay that he had to organize. He gulped and realized how much danger he was in. “This ain’t good, they’re probably in here right now, waitin’ to strike, and they’re probably outside too, just to make sure I won’t git away.” Mac hugged the support beam and trembled in fear. He scanned the entire room to look for a hiding place, but everywhere he looked, he was sure a mare would be.

“Uh...h-hello…” He squeaked out. He then fell to the floor and shielded his face from anything that might come his way. Mac raised one hoof and looked around the room again, “Still no mane or tail of one?” Mac was sure that would get their attention, just one word would drive a mare right to him. “Maybe they’re just teasin’...Ah know mares do that from time to time.” He shivered, remembering things he’d rather not think of.

Then Big Mac’s ear twitched, making him yelp and dash under a nearby tool table. “N-No...n-n-not now, f-for Celestia’s sake it’s only been five minutes!” He knew for a fact he heard something, ear’s don’t twitch without a reason. “I-It’s had to be the wind...y-yeah, wind! In a barn that has it’s doors shut!” He silently grumbled to himself and, with some courage in him, he stood up from under the tool table and looked around the room again.

“Still the same?” He thought. “Oh, wait. I know what they’re doin’. They’re waitin’ for me to come to them! Well, it ain’t gonna work.” He then took a step forward toward a haystack, which then led to another step, then another, then another, then ano-

“HOOVES! Will ya quit movin!” He clamped his mouth shut with said hooves. “D-did I say that outloud...s-since when was I this talkative?” He then looked down to see he was now in front of a haystack. His imagination went wild and thoughts of horrible things popping out of this pile of hay coursed through his brain.

“J-just one pile, Mac...just one, then you can move on to do...even more dangerous duties.” He knew he still had to harvest apples and till the fields, and both jobs were equally as dangerous. He ignored the future and focused what was happening to him right now. Just one pile…” He thought to himself

He slowly raised his front leg and reached into the hay, closing his eyes and looking away while doing so, he was certain he would be touching something that wasn’t even close to feeling like hay. The further he reached in, the more his heart rate and adrenaline when up, “J-Just grab a stray, Mac...not a bale...I said a STRAW Mac! NOT A-”

*SQUEAK*

Mac’s eyes went wide once he heard that noise. He then turned to the hay stack again, his hoof still in it. “No…” He wanted to pull out, but he could still feel it, it wasn’t hay, it wasn’t hair, it wasn’t a squeak toy. He could feel exactly what it was and, for some strange reason, he pressed harder, making the same noise.

Seconds later, the hay stack exploded and straws of hay went everywhere, one of them landing in Mac’s mouth. Mac backed away and shielded his face. Once everything settled he lowered his hooves and looked forward, wishing he didn’t.

Right in front of him stood an all too familiar looking pony, the one that divided bombed him from the clouds years ago, the one that tackled him to the ground when he was getting apples, the one that relieved him of his dignity in under ten seconds...it was...

“R-Rainbo-”

“HEY!” The spectrum haired pegasus yelled. “Quit poking my flank and find your own...hiding...spot.”

The two of them stared straight into each other's eyes, the only movement was Dash’s wings that were keeping her in the air and the only sound was Mac’s heavy breathing. After minutes of silence, Big Mac decided to break it the only way he could.

“AHH!” He screamed

“AAAHHH!” Dash yelled back.

“AHHAH!”

“EAH!”

“GEAH!”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

“AAAAH!”

“EAAAAAAAH!

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!”

“AAHUH!”

“EUUUAHH!”

"BWAAAHAA!"

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” Rainbow Dash ended it by flying away, faceplanting right into the support beam Mac was holding earlier. She slumped to the ground and groaned in pain.

Mac darted his eyes around in hopes to find an exit. He looked past Dash to see the doors. “Got no other option.” He dragged his hoof across the ground like a bull and ran toward the doors head first, intent on smashing them op-

*SMACK*

Big Mac then tumbled backwards and landed into the support beam again, smacking Dash into a wall. Mac turned to his side and realized what will happen next. “This is it, this is where I get violated. I didn’t even make it out of my property…” He sighed and laid on his back again, figuring it wouldn’t even be worth getting up. “Alright mares,” He said. “what are ya gonna...huh?”

Mac craned his head up to see what looked nothing like a mare, in fact, it wasn’t a mare at all. It was a light blue stallion with lidded green eyes and a rose in his mouth.

“Oh Dashie~” The light blue stallion said as seductively as possible.

Rainbow Dash gasped and flew into the air. “Get away from me, Soarin’” She glared at him, but still had fear in her voice.

Soarin’ slowly flew up to her and dropped the rose into his hoof. “Aw, come on Dashie, I just wanna spend some time with you.” He extended it toward her and raised his eyebrows twice. "You know, as coltfriend and mare-"

Without another word, Dash flew past him, out the door, and soared up into the sky. Soarin’ bit the rose and sat beside Big Mac, who was still laying on the ground. “Don’t you just love it when they play hard to get.” He sighed.

Big Mac raised an eye. “Uh...what?”

Soarin’ nudged him. “Come on, big guy, I’m sure you’re still trying to find a mare, right?”

“Uh…what?”

Soarin’ laughed. “Crazy guy. Hey! Thanks for finding her for me, by the way. The yell is pretty easy to hear, and it gets really hard to find her when you can’t see that trail of rainbows she leaves behind, am I right?”

“Uh…what?”

Soarin’ started making his way outside. “Welp, better get going, this heat ain’t gonna get rid of itself.” He nodded toward Big Mac and few into the sky, leaving the red stallion with a straw of hay hanging out of his mouth and an expression of bewilderment, and the only thing he could say was...

“Uh...w-what?”

Author's Note

What?