Prince Charmless

by Eyeswirl the Weirded

Rating: teen
Tags: Adventure, Prince Blueblood, Main 6, Trixie, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy
Length: 3440

Blueblood takes over Equestria. Not related to my other story, Blueblood Takes Over Equestria.

Roughly a week after Tirek is vanquished, five ponies responsible for it get an urgent message from the sixth. They have a new menace to contend with.

Meanwhile, Trixie is summoned to the Crystal Empire. Hilarity ensues.

---
Based on Comic from way back when!

Published 2015-03-13 03:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-03-13 03:10:01 UTC

Chapter 1: New Management

Strange things happen, sometimes. Often enough situations are pretty clear-cut, unambiguous enough that we can probably hop, skip, and jump right in without a second thought. And then, something starts that we're not sure how to respond to, at least not right away. Is this bad, we wonder, is it good? It can be almost paralyzing, a little twist of fate, one little thing you didn't see coming making you stop dead, if only to stare at it another moment.

That, Trixie decided, was what had happened to her yesterday, when she'd gotten that envelope addressed to her, stamped with the royal seal. It wasn't signed, she didn't know which of the princesses had sent it to her, just that she was wanted for something in the Crystal Empire. The train she arrived on left behind her as she faced the tall crystal castle in the center of town.

"Your presence is required for urgent services in the Crystal Empire," Trixie muttered to herself as she started toward the shimmering castle, having read the letter enough times in the last twelve hours to memorize it, "it is advised that you make haste, as important events are unfolding in which you will play a key part. Elaboration will be provided when you arrive in the throne room."

Paying no mind to the odd looks the shiny locals were giving her, the pointy-purple-hat-and-cape-clad pony approached the guards at the door, who seemed to recognize her. They nodded to eachother, urged Trixe to follow them with a quick hoof gesture, and led her inside.

The showmare had performed on stages before hundreds of viewing eyes without breaking a sweat, but being in the presence of those in high authority, especially when vague letters giving her orders were involved, made her nervous. Still, she kept her cool fairly well, the rim of her hat hiding her eyes as they darted about the crystal halls, simultaneously looking for a sign as to what was going on, possible escape routes, and taking in the sights. So many pointy spires all over the place... I wonder if anypony ever gets hurt on those things?

When she got to the throne room, the guards stepped back, closing the door behind her, which did nothing to soothe her nerves at this point. Heart beating a little faster than a minute ago, she looked around only to find herself alone. Shouldn't somepony, probably Princess Cadence, be here? Am I early? Am I LATE?!

"Hello," she called out, voice wavering slightly as she began to sweat, "I-is anypony here? Trixie was asked to come here on royal-"

She was interrupted by a sound from behind the throne, little scratching sounds like claws tapping along the ground, followed by a familiar green and purple reptile, looking like he just woke up.

"Oh," Spike said, yawning, "You're the one I was told to wait for? Sheesh..." He scratched his head, still blinking away lingering drowsiness.

Trixie sputtered for a moment before connecting a few dots. "Twilight Sparkle's pet dragon? Is she the one that summoned Trixie?"

The little drake scowled. "I'm not a pet, I'm her number one assistant! I-" His eyes widened and he belched, a scroll appearing from a puff of green flame, followed by another seconds later. Spike caught both, eyed them curiously, and handed one to Trixie. "Both're for you, looks like."

She muttered a quick thanks before eagerly taking the scroll in her levitation, she needed to know what this was about.

On second thought, let us leave it as "Prince", the title of King holds certain connotations your new charges wouldn't take too kindly to, I imagine.

She turned the paper over, looking for the rest. Again. And again! What kind of message was this?! The frustrated confusion must have shown on her face, because she heard the delivery dragon give an awkward laugh.

"I, uh, probably should have given you this one first?"

She looked to see him holding the other scroll. Biting down a colorful string of words that could make her situation marginally worse should anypony important be listening in, she took the 'first' letter and began reading.

Dear Lady Lulamoon, I have an important task for you...

The doors to the Canterlot palace throneroom burst open, five ponies of particular importance galloping to the rescue of a sixth, who had sent them a letter as a cry for help. Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Fluttershy, and Twilight Sparkle, recently dubbed Princess of Friendship, stopped in their tracks as they caught sight of their friend, throroughly bound in ropes and surrounded by ponies in some kind of armor none had ever seen before.

The curved plating was black, a dark red patch of cloth on their chests, helmets that looked like little umbrellas with domes at the top, part of the rim cut out where their faces would be seen, if not for the ski-mask like cloth covering everything but each soldier's green eyes. They were holding spears, and stood at attention near somepony the group recognized.

Their exclamation was delivered as one. "Prince Blueblood?!"

He stood by Rarity, who was bound in ropes from her neck nearly to her flanks, mouth covered with a band of tough, though thankfully quite clean fabric of some sort, sitting on her haunches as the prince gave a wicked smile to her friends. Worse than his faintly malevolent expression, however, was the sight of the Alicorn Amulet around his neck. "Welcome, I trust you didn't have too much trouble getting here?"

Twilight took a step forward, wings extended just enough to look intimidating. At least, she hoped so, there was no time to ask Rainbow if she was doing it just right. "Let her go, Blueblood," she said calmly, "there's no way you can win."

He smirked, head raised slightly, clearly looking down on them with aid of more than the elevation of the platform on which the throne rested. "Oh? I wouldn't say I share your optimism," he gestured to his armored henchponies, "I have quite a bit of help on my side."

Applejack rolled her eyes. "Ya gotta know we've dealt with more'n you can throw at as, some goons in fancy paddin' ain't gonna make a dif'rence."

"Except in shininess," Pinkie chimed in with a smile, "these guys are definitely less shiny!"

"Not the time, Pinkie," Rainbow grumbled, eyes locked on the prince as she waited for a signal by either side that things would get violent as more similarly-clad soldiers filed in behind them, closing the door.

Twilight tilted her head slightly, the inquisitive part of her mixing with her memory of Canterlot, the combination objecting to the presence of these new guards. "Who are they, anyway? I've never seen armor like that in the royal guard."

Blueblood shrugged, a relaxed grin on his face. "They're new. I refer to more than my elites, of course," The Alicorn Amulet seemed to glow faintly for a second, "I would say I have more than ample power now to triumph."

Twilight stood tall, chest puffed out just slightly as she struck a heroic pose, her friends following suit. Even Rarity seemed to wiggle in place before remembering she was bound at the moment. "The amulet may be powerful," she said confidently, wings extended as far as she could stretch them, "but it's nowhere near as powerful as our friendship!"

They held the pose for a solid minute, nopony saying a word as Blueblood raised an eyebrow. "Right. You refer to the power granted by the elements and that lockbox, I imagine?"

"Yeah," Rainbow replied, "It was just last week!"

He grinned. "Then you boast the power collectively wielded that day at this very moment?"

"Totally!" She looked to Twilight, who stood very still. "Right?"

There was a long, yet informative silence before she replied, head slightly lowered. "Uhm... Well, I, we, uh..."

Fluttershy put a hoof to her chin, eyebrows furrowed in concentration. "Does anypony know how we did that, again...?"

"Nnnope."

"Nuh-uh."

"I have no idea!"

Rarity shook her head. All present looked at to the Princess of Friendship for answers.

"I, uh... While it's the power of our friendship that saved the day, I think it needed the boost from the Tree of Harmony to let us-"

"Get Rainbow-poofed," Pinkie interrupted cheerfully, the nearest blue pegasus quietly wondering if she could use that verb in the future, "grow crazy hair and stuff on our hooves and glow like Hearthswarming lights?"

"...Riiight, that," Twilight picked up, "but we don't need the Tree of Harmony to stop you, Blueblood!"

He raised an eyebrow, smirking. "Really? The five of you-"

A muffled A-hem! was heard from Rarity's direction before the prince remembered his captive.

"Right, sorry, the six of you-"

"Muff buhher." She appeared content. Not pleased, but content for the moment.

"...Can match the power of the Alicorn Amulet?"

Applejack scuffed the ground with a hoof as the others adopted similarly war-like poses. "Jus' cuz' we didn't wanna hurt Trixie none, don't mean we'll be givin' you the same treatment if ya don't let the princesses go!"

Fluttershy gasped. "H-he's done something to...?!"

Pinkie quickly turned to face the farmpony, worry clear on her features. "Uh, oh! He nabbed the princesses, too?"

Applejack hadn't lifted her glare from the evil noblepony. "Kin'na follows, don't it? Don'tcha think they would'a stopped him by now otherwise?"

"Happening a LOT lately," Rainbow grumbled.

Blueblood gave a sinister chuckle. "Right you are, Miss Apple, capturing the other three alicorns was magnitudes easier than freeing Tirek."

"WHAT?!"
"Omigosh!"
"HUH?!"
"You low-down...!!"
"MRRHR?!"
"YOU BETTER NOT HAVE HURT CERBERUS!!"

All present, apart from the armed guards, regarded the furious animal lover inquisitively, if only for what seemed slightly misplaced priorities.

"The beast wasn't harmed," he said with calm disinterest, "just distracted long enough for my plan to take root."

Fluttershy nodded, speaking quietly as her rage subsided. "He's a good boy..."

Blueblood waved a hoof dismissively. "Anyway, consolidation of power? Tirek was the first step..."

The five mares who weren't tied up exchanged quick looks, knowing where this was going. As most of them were waiting for Twilight to come up with a plan, stalling for time while hearing Blueblood's seemed like the best option. Applejack rested on her haunches. Might as well get comfortable, she thought. Pinkie Pie seemed to think the same thing, having obtained a box of popcorn from somewhere.

"It was easier than I'd have guessed, playing the part of the clueless noblepony out sight-seeing, irrititating those assigned to protect me into shirking their posts," he nodded to the nearest black-armor elite, "one more reason I brought in new help, of course, before removing Cerberus with a well-practiced illusion. Did you know he's an ancient Diamond Dog crossbreed? Combing over the Canterlot Archives for weeks, I uncovered just the information I needed, both on Cerberus and the spell to distract him. The spectre of a sufficiently large gemstone, disproportionate light glittering off it's non-existant surface, all but a siren's song for the beast's simple mind." He smiled almost smugly. "Focusing enough magic to create such shimmering perfection was itself no simple task, but with-"

Pinkie raised a hoof, swallowing her current mouthful of what Fluttershy quietly wondered might have been illusory popcorn, if Pinkie weren't an earth pony. "You know a ball would have worked too?"

The prince blinked. "A... Ball?"

She nodded, her expression cheerful as she ate another hoofful. "Yuh, 'swhat we used ta' ge' 'is atte'sion."

A royal eye twitched. It wasn't clear if this was because of somepony speaking with their mouth full in his presence, or what may have been weeks of wasted effort on his part. He spoke through gritted teeth. "Right. Good to know."

Rainbow fought the urge to laugh in his face, settling for high-hoofing an ever-eager Pinkie.

Shaking his head, he went on. "Of course, fittingly, once the guard dog was out, all hell broke loose. It was all I could do to keep the entrance sealed, let alone transport Tirek's energy-deprived and near-lifeless body from his holding quarters to the exit." He indicated Twilight with a hoof. "You recall the scene when you returned, yes?"

She nodded, glaring at the pony responsible. "Yes, and I wouldn't have been able to stop them without Cerberus's help."

"I spent most of that afternoon dragging Tirek a few inches, blasting renegade spirits before they could escape, -few were in any condition to do so, mind, but those that were proved damnably tenacious- and running to the entrance to make sure my best effort at a warding spell hadn't been ruptured by any that might have slipped by." The confident grin returned. "And then Miss Twilight showed up and I hid, with my monstrous prize, behind a large rock until the coast was clear enough to slip out."

Part of the youngest alicorn felt a pang of nostalgia for the days she wasn't called 'princess' dashed by the reminder that she was doing all manner of crazy, dangerous things then, too.

"The first thing Tirek tried to do when he regained conciousness in the dilapidated watch tower I brought him to was drain my magic, unaware that I had dilligently practiced a sort of mirror spell for precisely that moment." There was an almost cruel glint in his eyes. "You know the look of somepony that's just had their own trick used against them? I did my best to drain him dry and left the husk for dead."

"YOU BUCKIN' MORON!!" Those standing near Applejack jumped, startled by the outburst. "Don'tcha think if it were that easy, they wouldn'a locked 'im in Tartarus ta' start?!"

Blueblood, face deadpan, answered very calmly. "I see that now, thank you."

Twilight, mental gears turning, steered the story back on track. "So you learned, or stole, Tirek's absorbtion ability. What have you done with it?"

He chuckled. "Nothing like what the original owner pulled, I assure you. It would do no good to rule over ponies who can hardly take care of themselves, and I'll have ample power to rule without their magic." He smirked. "Afterall, I'll have that of Auntie Celestia and Luna all to myself."

Applejack caught Rainbow by the tail at the last second to prevent a scuffle, as much as she would have liked to join. "You bastard!"

He only smiled wider. "I'd hold off on the damnations, you haven't even heard about Cadenza, Discord, and the Changeling Queen yet."

Stunned silence reigned before Twilight remembered her own difficulty in controlling the power of four alicorn princesses. "This... This plan will never work!" She started to grin with confidence, stepping one hoof forward in challenge. "I've studied and practiced magic all my life and could only contain so much power when I was releasing it,"

"At Tirek's face!" Pinkie cheered.

"Yes, thank you, to keep from teleporting myself across Equestria, how do you think you will hold so much power without exploding?"

Rarity visibly cringed at the visceral image, but Blueblood practically laughed, brushing a hoof against the Alicorn Amulet, which shined red as if in response. "Do you know why they call it the Alicorn Amulet? It's a momento of one of my predecessors, a long-forgotten Blueblood that tried to usurp the throne with dark magic. None are better suited to weild it's magic, and all the power it can store, than one of my bloodline, that descended from Celestia herself! However, where he tried to rule out of a selfish lust for power, my reasons are actually benevolent."

He didn't wait for the collective outburst of disbelief, his tone an oddly compassionate one. Whatever sympathy this might have earned, however, was dashed by the presence of a smug smile. "Auntie works so hard, you know, day-in, day-out, literally, for centuries. While Auntie Luna has not-at-all enjoyed a long, forced vacation, it pains me to see them both perpetually under the weight of the crown. What kind of family would I be not to share the burden?"

"And Cadence," Twilight demanded, "Discord, and even Chrysalis? Are you taking over for them, too?!"

Rainbow stepped defensively in front of her purple friend. "And I guess Twilight'd be next?"

Blueblood shrugged a bit. "Ideally, no. I only mean to take responsiblity for the sun and moon, but I can't very well have them standing against me, now can I?" He directed a misplaced friendly smile to Twilight. "No need to worry, I won't be needing to absorb your energy, because I know you're a smart filly." The black guards shuffled their spears meaningfully. "Smart enough to know better than to do something that may endanger your friends?"

She glanced nervously to the guards, then the four standing by her, then Rarity. Something in the eyes of her fasionista friend suggested Blueblood's goons were nothing to whinny at. "And why did you kidnap Rarity? It's not like she has a lot of magical power!" Twilight winced, quickly speaking to the unicorn in question. "No offense."

Rarity nodded. "Nuhm tahem, dahhing."

Blueblood grinned. "I've felt just dreadful about what happened between us, the night of The Gala, and felt I should make it up to her." He turned to the pony that once spattered him with cake, gently drawing a hoof under her chin. "I hope you can forgive me, Miss Rarity, as none in Equestria are finer than you to be my queen."

Her pupils shrunk as he drew close, his eyes admiring before a variety of increasingly unpleasant images of what may await her flashed through her mind. He stopped a few centimeters away from her face, pulling back and drawing a hoof to his chin in contemplation. "Well, 'princess,' I should say. Decided against the title of 'king', you know?"

Rarity blinked slowly.

He stared quietly at her for a moment before emitting an awkward cough. "Give it time, the idea may grow on you. Until then," he returned his attention to the other five, "I'm in charge now, submit to my rule and we can skip any messy conflicts."

Twilight spoke quietly, glaring at the prince. "You'll never get away with this, we will stop you from absorbing the magic of Celestia, Luna, Cadence, Discord, and even Chrysalis!"

He all but beamed, he had been waiting, no counting on her to say that, delivering a low, sinister laugh in response. "Did you think I would tell you my plan if there was any chance you could stop me? I'm not going to steal their magic."

He was met with a collective, confused head-tilt before grinning malevolently. "I did it thirty-five minutes ago."

He blinked, eyes glowing red when they opened, his body immediately enveloped in blinding red light. When it cleared, he was adorned in a golden mantle and horseshoes, a magnificent red cape covering most of his body below the neck, the Alicorn Amulet proudly displayed on the shimmering gold on his chest. His horn lit with red energy, the scelera of his eyes turning yellow as the irises grew red, his pupils sharp and cat-like. More noteworthy was the presence of white wings emerging from under his cape as he reared back, laughing maniacally, and conjured a strange crown, looking like a menagerie of horns and hats from those in his absorbtion list, Discord's mismatched antlers sticking out the most.

Five ponies badly hoped the sixth was coming up with a plan right about now, that sixth pony nearly having an aneurysm.

"Now," he said standing on all four hooves again, cape billowing lightly, "I learned my lesson about underestimating others with Tirek, so I won't pretend the lot of you are no threat to me." The black guards that had been standing behind the newcomers since shortly after they arrived took a step forward. "I'll be placing all of you under house arrest, here at the palace. Gentlemen, if you would please escort our guests to their quarters?"

As the five were led away at spearpoint, Twilight looked over her shoulder at Rarity, whose eyes were full of pleading desperation. She gave her bound friend a look that roughly communicated a familiar thought, one she'd seen in dire situations before;

I know this looks bad, but don't worry, we can do this!

Author's Note

I would have loved to work in the song, Prince Charmless, that inspired the comic that inspired this story, but the rules are "No copyrighted lyrics", and I couldn't change the words for a decent parody and still keep the meaning. Sorry about that. :fluttershysad: