Machinations in the Dark of Celestia's Prophet

by abcd_z

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Princess Celestia, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Main 6
Length: 17382

Long ago Celestia imprisoned a powerful, dangerous entity. Too bad nobody seems to realize he's a harmless dope.

Long ago Celestia imprisoned a powerful, dangerous entity. Too bad nobody seems to realize he's a harmless dope.

This story started out as a parody of the two stories Machinations in the Dark and Celestia's Prophet. You may wish to read them first to get some context for the first chapter.

Now has a tvtropes page!

Published 2015-03-12 17:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2016-11-03 03:57:39 UTC

Comedy of Errors

"Who's a pretty pony?"

"Stop that."

"You's a pretty pony!"

"I mean it. Knock it off."

When the guard was first stuck in the cell with Conrad he had been terrified beyond measure. But terror gave way to boredom, as it does in situations like this, and then to full-blown annoyance at Conrad's antics.

At first the guard had been terrified that the human would do intolerable evil to him. Eventually he realized that Conrad was merely intolerable.

"Ooh, I know!" Conrad said. "We could have a mask party!"

Brave Heart stared deadpan at Conrad.

"A mask party," Brave Heart said.

"Sure, a mask party! We each put on masks and pretend to be somebody else! Here, take this!"

Conrad threw a mask at Brave Heart, who caught it and examined it.

Brave Heart said, "This is a mask of you."

"Uh huh!" Conrad said, putting his mask on. "And mine is a mask of you!"

"That's not the point of a costume party!" Brave Heart yelled. "You pretend to be some pony well-known and important, like Princess Celestia or Fancy Pants or some pony. You don't pretend to be the only other person in the very same prison cell as you!"

"Oh. Well that's too bad, because I only have these two masks."

"Yeah, I- wait, where did you get these?"

"Over there," Conrad said, vaguely gesturing somewhere else in the dungeon.

Brave Heart sighed and put the mask on. "Fine, if it makes you happy."

"Yaaaaay!"

"Now what?"

"Well, now we try to guess who each other really is underneath the mask!"

"You can't be serious."

"I am! Are youuuuuu... Princess Celestia?"

Brave Heart facehooved.

There was a bright white flash of light. Celestia had teleported into the dungeon.

Conrad-wearing-a-Brave-Heart-mask smiled and waved at Celestia. "Hi!" He said cheerfully.

"Quickly!" yelled Celestia. "I'm here to rescue you! There is no time to talk! We must be off!"

There was another flash of light and Princess Celestia disappeared along with Conrad.

There was a long pause.

"Okay, what the hell just happened?" Brave Heart asked.

"Though it pains me to admit it," Celestia said, "I have done you wrong. I let my fears get the better of me and forgot my responsibilities to you. My sister reminded me of my duties and obligations, while you were stuck in that cell with a horrible monster."

Well, that's a bit harsh to Brave Heart, thought Conrad.

"Tell me, my little pony," she said with eyes shining with unshed tears, "can you ever forgive me?"

"Okay!" he said cheerfully.

Princess Celestia sighed with relief.

"I'm very glad to hear that," she said. "Now please tell me, is there anything I can do to make this up to you?"

Conrad looked at a map of Equestria hung up on one of the walls.

"I'd like to travel," he said. "It's always been a dream of mine."

"Of course. Where would you like to travel to?"

"I don't know!" he said. "Let's find out."

*Thunk!*

Faster than Celestia could react to, Conrad tossed a throwing dart at the map. He then walked over to the map and inspected the spot the dart landed on.

"'Ponyville', huh? Well, I guess that's where I'm going! I hope it's a boring place."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!!"

The giant squid monster had rallied its flying monkey troops and was rampaging through downtown Ponyville. Twilight, Applejack, and Rarity had been taken out an hour earlier by Trixie's unexpected treachery, and Spike had been knocked unconscious in the first few minutes of the engagement.

"Don't worry, every pony! I got this!" yelled Pinkie Pie, coming over the hill with a large vat strapped to her back.

"It's Pinkie Pie!" yelled Twilight from her containment globe. "And she brought the chocolate-chip frosting!"

"We're saved!" yelled Rarity.

"'tis a rather boring, normal place," Celestia said, speaking honestly as far as she knew. "You'll like it there. Additionally, there is the matter of restitution. When the crown has been found guilty of crimes against its citizens, the leader may choose to give the victim money to compensate him or her for their loss. It can never truly make you whole, but please accept this weregild as a sincere token of my regret."

Celestia levitated a bag containing hundreds of bits to Conrad. As she passed him the bag he said, "Where gild? There gild!" and pointed to it.

There was an awkward silence.

"Well, I thought it was funny" he muttered to himself.

Despite the fact that the Brave Heart mask was a completely inanimate object, with no volition of its own, it still somehow managed to decide that Conrad's life wasn't chaotic or awkward enough, and chose to slip off his face just as the train passenger in the seat in front of him had turned around and was facing Conrad. The passenger screamed loudly. Conrad slid the mask back into place as quickly as he could.

"Don't worry, ma'am," he said, "I'm just a normal pony, just like anybody else here."

"You said anybody! That's not a normal thing for a pony to say."

"No I didn't."

"Yes, you did!"

"No, I didn't."

"I swear you did!"

"I didn't."

...

"Well, maybe you didn't. But I still have my eyes on you."

The pony in question gestured with her hoof back and forth between her eyes and Conrad's in a "I'm watching you" gesture before turning back around.

"Well you don't need to worry about me," Conrad said loudly, "because I'm going to sleep now."

The pony sitting next to him piped up. "Why?" she asked. "It's the middle of the day."

"Well, I spent a lot of time in the dark and I'm not really adjusted to a proper sleep schedule yet."

"Oh. You spent a lot of time in a different time zone?"

"No, I've spent the last century and a half in the Canterlot Dungeons."

The pony giggled. "And why is that?" she asked playfully.

"You know," Conrad said thoughtfully, "I'm not really sure. The princess told me to surrender, and I did, and then she put me in the prison cell, so I just sort of stayed there."

The pony giggled again. "You're silly," she said. "So what are you doing out of jail? Was there a jailbreak?"

"Again, I don't really know. I was throwing a mask party with my new friend, and then Celestia set me free and apologized for throwing me in there, which I thought was rather nice of her to do. So now I'm travelling to Ponyville, because I wanted to explore and it's someplace I've never been before."

"Well you shouldn't go to sleep now, 'cuz then you won't be able to wake up on time tomorrow! You should talk to me instead!"

Conrad thought about this. "Okay."

Conrad and the pony (he learned her name was "Rose") talked for several hours. They talked about the world he came from, about Rose's family (two brothers, one sister), about their favorite things, and about whatever came to their minds. Eventually Conrad couldn't keep his eyes open any more and he slowly fell asleep. Rose smiled but said nothing.

The ponies Ketchup and Mayo saw Conrad and started screaming.

"Please don't scream!" Conrad said. "I'm not a bad person!"

"Do you think he's telling the truth?" Relish asked Hamburger.

"For absolutely no reason whatsoever, I believe him," replied Condiments.

Conrad smiled. Was this all it took? Ever since he'd arrived here, Conrad had wished he knew the right things to say to make friends with these skittish ponies. Now, at last, it seemed that everything could be good and peaceful.

A fish floated by, wearing a top hat and monacle. "Good day," it said to Conrad, doffing its top hat as it floated past.

"Oh bugger," said Conrad. "This is only a dream."

Conrad drooled a bit as he leaned against the window. Rose had fallen asleep as well, and she unconsciously snuggled against Conrad's body as she slept.

Mrs. Harshwhinny, the pony sitting in front of Conrad, poked her head over the back of her own seat.

They're both asleep. Excellent.

She climbed over the back of her own seat and reached out towards the mask that Conrad wore that no other pony seemed to notice. Closer and closer her hoof inched towards Conrad's face.

It was particularly unfortunate for her, then, that at that moment the train hit a particularly bumpy patch of track. She lost her balance and toppled towards Conrad just as Conrad slumped forward towards her. Their foreheads collided, knocking Mrs. Harshwhinny out and throwing her back into her own seat.

Conrad opened his eyes groggily, saw nothing but the back of the seat in front of him, shook his head, and went back to sleep.

"Well, looks like this is my stop," Conrad said.

"It's my stop too, you know," Rose replied.

Conrad chuckled. "You know what I mean."

Rose smiled. "I do. If you ever need a place to stay or some pony to talk to, just look me up. I'm staying at-"

A giant squid tentacle reached in through the open window, grabbed Conrad, and tossed him high into the air outside the train. After several seconds of hang-time, gravity kicked in and slammed him to the ground dozens of yards away from the train.

Rose put her hooves to her mouth in shock and horror.

Conrad got to his feet and yelled, "I'm okay!"

That's when he was trampled by the army of winged monkeys fleeing the city.

Applejack and Rainbow Dash

By the time Conrad managed to get to his feet, the stampede had carried him well outside of the town.

"Well, shoot!" Applejack said. "If that don't beat all! That's got to be the third craziest thing I've seen today!"

"This is not a boring town," Conrad said, slightly winded.

Applejack laughed. "'course it ain't, pardner! There's always something crazy or dangerous coming out of the woodwork, but don't you worry. The Elements of Harmony are here to keep you safe."

Conrad exhaled sharply. "Of course there is," he said frustratedly. "I just managed to escape from the dungeon, and the first thing that happens is I land right in the middle of dangerous scary central."

Applejack looked at Conrad sharply. "Did you say you escaped from a dungeon?"

"Well, not 'escaped' so much as 'was let go,'" he explained. "I was legally released for reasons I still don't understand."

Applejack narrowed her eyes and looked hard at Conrad. "I'm the Element of Honesty, so that means I can always tell when some pony is telling a fib. And my instincts are telling me that you're a filthy, no-good liar!"

Conrad reared backwards. "No!"

"Yes! You're a dangerous criminal, and you escaped from the Appleoosa prison! You're here to steal all of our silverware and buck all our apples!"

Conrad made a face. "That is disgusting!"

"No, buck. It means I hit a tree so hard that all the apples fall out of it."

"Wow, really? That sounds awesome! Could you show me how you do that?"

Applejack swelled with pride. "Well, applebuck season isn't due for another few months, but I suppose it couldn't hurt to show you how it's done. But once I'm done showing you this," her voice took on a dark and ominous tone, "I'm taking care of business."

"Wow, you're a farmer and an accountant?"

"No, I meant..." again her voice became ominous, "I'm taking care of you."

"You're a nurse?"

"No! I meant-... oh, consarn it. Just stand there and watch what I do."

Applejack grabbed some buckets and placed them underneath the nearest apple tree, lining them up according to guides that only she could see. Then she spun around and delivered a mighty blow to the tree. Apples fell from the tree in clumps, each one landing in one of the buckets she set up. Not a single apple landed on the ground.

"Wow!" Conrad yelled with childish glee. "That was amazing!"

Applejack swelled with pride. "Don't I know it! There are some families that try using fancy-shmancy contraptions to do twice the work in half the time, but we here at Sweet Apple Acres do everything by hoof!"

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why do everything by hoof if the contraptions can do twice the work in half the time?"

"Well... traditions, and values, and..." Applejack stuttered.

"And wouldn't that give you more free time to spend on your hobbies or playing with your friends or even taking a vacation? Hell, if you used the contraptions AND hired seasonal workers, you could probably cut your overhead to a fraction of what you're currently spending."

"Look, we ain't never had no truck with no... no... contraptionology! And we never will!"

Applejack thumped the tree behind her with her back hoof to emphasize the point. There was a loud "SNAP!" above her. Applejack looked up in time to see a large branch falling towards her face.

"Oh, buck me," she said.

The branch collided with Applejack's head, knocking her to the ground. Conrad rushed over to check her body.

"Apple pony, are you okay?"

Applejack said, "No cheddar for me, I'll have the green one." Her head lolled forward and she lost consciousness.

Conrad picked Applejack up and carried her in the direction he assumed the town was in.

The sun was hot and Applejack was heavy. Due to the sweat and the heavy load he was carrying, Conrad felt very uncomfortable. He took off his shirt and tied it around his waist, then took off his mask and tied it around his wrist. It helped a bit.

A rainbow blur cut through the sky above him. Then another rainbow blur knocked him to the ground, resolving itself into a light blue pony with rainbow-colored hair.

"Monster! You killed Applejack, and now you're going to eat her!"

"Why does everybody think I'm going to eat ponies? I don't eat ponies! Chickens, fish, and the occasional cow, but never ponies!"

Rainbow Dash cried, "You sick bastard!"

Elsewhere, the cow Clara Bell sat at home in an armchair, reading the newspaper.

"Could you pass me the sports section when you're done with it?" her husband Prime Rib asked.

"In a minute, dear. I'm just about done reading this article about the animals in Equestria. It says here that chickens, fish, and of course us cows are all intelligent, and for any pony to cook and eat one would be the most horrendous crime possible."

"Good article?"

"I'd say it's well-done."

"Besides," Conrad protested, "apple pony is fine!"

"She doesn't look fine!"

"No, no, she's just... um... resting! She was showing me how she bucks apples-"

"That's disgusting!"

"No, bucks apples. Then she got all tired out from kicking the trees, and decided to take a nap, so I'm carrying her back to town so that she can get some medical attention- er, I mean so she can rest."

"So she can rest," Rainbow Dash said skeptically.

"Yes."

"Even though her house is the other direction."

"Um......"

"I don't know who or what you are, but I'm gonna pound your face in for whatever it is you've done to Applejack!"

"No, no, she's fine! See?"

Conrad got behind Applejack and lifted her upper body into the air by her front hooves.

"Everything's just fine!" he said in a falsetto voice, swinging Applejack's hooves around with his hands. "No need to worry! I was just showing this nice young man how I buck apples, and I got over-excited and fainted from the exertion! I'm all right now, though, really!"

Rainbow Dash stared at Conrad deadpan.

"Aaaand you're not buying it, are you?" Conrad asked.

"Nope."

"Nuts."

"Funny you should mention that. You're a guy, right?"

"Yeah, but I don't see what that has to do with-"

Rainbow Dash bolted forward and performed an uppercut to Conrad's crotch, hitting him so hard that he briefly left the ground.

"OH GOD MY TESTICLES!"

Elsewhere:

Brave Heart sat alone in the jail cell, muttering to himself.

"Stupid Conrad. Stupid Celestia. Teleport him out of here, don't even think to check she's got the right prisoner. Teleport him-"

Brave Heart looked up at his own horn. Then he facehooved.

"I can't believe I didn't think of this sooner."

It wasn't Brave Heart's specialty, but he could cast the teleportation spell, if just barely. Brave Heart had just enough magical power for a single short-range teleportation spell. It would drain his reserves, but it would take him outside the cell. From there he could talk to the guards on duty and get the whole situation straightened out.

Brave Heart cast the spell, landing just in front of the two guards standing in front of the thick metal cell door cover.

"At ease, soldiers," he said.

Both guards stared at him in shock and horror. One of them shrieked and passed out. The other guard yelled, "THE PRISONER HAS ESCAPED! CODE RED! I REPEAT, CODE RED!"

Brave Heart stared at the guard in confusion. "What are you-"

Twenty guards appeared at the end of the hallway and charged Brave Heart. He panicked and bolted the other direction.

"After him!" a pony yelled. "He must not escape!"

Brave Heart ran and ran and ran, making his way through poorly-remembered corridors and keeping as far away from the soldiers as he could. At one point he stopped in a dimly-lit cubby-hole to catch his breath. He lifted a hoof to wipe away his sweat, only to realize that he couldn't because he was still wearing that stupid mask of Conrad's.

Ohhhhhhhhhh... Brave Heart thought, comprehension finally dawning upon him.

Brave Heart swore.

--- Non-Canon Extra (AKA "Omake") ---

There was a loud "SNAP!" overhead, and a large branch fell off the tree, clobbering Applejack.

Conrad rushed over to her. "AJ are you okay? Are you okay? Are you okay, AJ?"

Applejack looked at Conrad and sang, "You've been hit by - you've been struck by - a smooth criminal."

Conrad and Applejack moonwalked away.

Innuendo

Much later, a curious Mrs. Cake stood at Pinkie Pie's door, her ear pressed up against the solid wood. This is what she heard:

Pinkie Pie moaned in pleasure.

"Mmmm, that feels so good," she said in a low, throaty voice. "Harder, please. Right there. Yes!"

"Like this?"

Another moan escaped Pinkie's lips.

"Oh God, yes. Do it as hard as you can."

A male voice said, "I don't know, Pinkie, we've been at this for a while and I'm getting pretty sore. Maybe your friend could take over?"

Pinkie moaned in frustration. "No..."

Another male voice said, "I've tried, but I'm just not the right shape or size to give it to her like she needs."

"Well, what if we both did it at the same time? I could take the area that needs it the most and you could take the smaller, tighter area."

There was a pause, then Pinkie said, "I'd be okay with that."

The second male sighed. "All right, Pinkie," he said. "But remember: you asked for this."

There was a pause and the sound of bodies repositioning themselves, then:

"OH GOD, YES!"

Mrs. Cake gasped and jumped backwards from the door, hitting a table and knocking it over. In a panic she reared about and dashed off down the stairs.

"What was that?" asked Conrad who, along with Discord, had been giving Pinkie Pie a massage and working the kinks out of her knotted muscles.

Pinkie Pie replied, "Oh, probably just Mrs. Cake listening at the door and coming to a completely wrong conclusion."

Conrad nodded. "That seems to be something ponies do a lot around here."

"So, wanna have sex with me?" Pinkie Pie asked.

Conrad thought about it for a second. "Yeah, okay."

Discord looked at his wrist. "Oh my, look at my wrist," he said. "I should probably get going."

Discord opened the window and hopped out, slowly floating to the ground below. A pony shrieked, but Discord yelled, "I'm a snowflake!" and the pony responded, "Ohhhhhh, okay."

"I will touch your gonads now!" Pinkie Pie said, entirely too cheerfully.

"I see nothing wrong with this," Conrad replied cheerfully.

Conrad wound up spending the night with Pinkie Pie. He woke up the next morning to breakfast prepared by Mr. and Mrs. Cake, and the subject of conversation turned to the different types of sweets their store sold. They sold fruit pies and pastries and donuts and fritters and cookies and muffins, but there was one treat that Conrad loved making that the ponies didn't seem to sell. So Conrad, helpful as he was, offered to make one for them and at the same time teach them how to make it themselves.

This was a nice gesture that had no possible way of being misinterpreted.

"If you'd like,” Conrad said to Mrs. Cake, “I could give you a cream pie."

Mrs. Pie blushed and her husband flushed with anger. Pinkie Pie snickered in the background.

“Well, I say 'give you' a cream pie, but really I'd need your help to get everything ready. We'll need to make sure your oven gets hot enough, but once I'm close to being finished I can put the batter in your oven. Trust me, I know you'll love it."

Conrad turned to Mr. Cake. "Oh, and you can have some once we're finished. You'll love the taste."

Mr. Cake briefly turned white with shock, then his face shot straight past red and turned purple with rage. Conrad could hear the sound of a tea kettle whistling somewhere in the distance.

It was a bright sunshiny morning in Ponyville. The sun was just peeking over the horizon, the birds were singing, and-

"OUT! OUT! GET OUT AND STAY OUT!"

The door to the Bakery opened and Conrad was bodily ejected from the store, landing face-first in wet mud. Mr. Cake stood in the doorway, yelling at Conrad. Behind him Mrs. Cake blushed furiously and Pinkie Pie laughed uproariously.

"If I ever see you again," Mr. Cake yelled, "I'll rip your eyeballs out of your head and jam them up your butt! Then I'll do a Riverdance on your skull! And then! And then! I'll really go to work on you!" Mr. Cake laughed maniacally before slamming the door shut.

"What a cheerful fellow," Conrad said with a smile. "So full of energy and enthusiasm. Too bad he kicked me out of his house. Oh, well."

Conrad picked himself up out of the mud and tried brushing off as much as he could. Unfortunately this just meant he smeared the mud all over his clothing.

"Well, that didn't work. I wonder if this town has a laundromat."

A shriek from behind Conrad made him turn around. A white pony with a purple mane stared at him, pointing at him in horror.

Conrad sighed. “Here we go again.”

---OMAKE----

"We'll need to make sure your oven gets hot enough," Conrad said, "but once I'm close to being finished I can put the batter in your oven. Trust me, I know you'll love it."

Conrad turned to Mr. Cake. "Oh, and you can have some once we're finished. You'll love the taste."

Mr. Cake visibly stiffened at Conrad's words. He looked at Mrs. Cake and they shared a meaningful look.

"Pinkie" Mr. Cake said, "I think it's time for us to go for a nice, long walk."

Pinkie bounced up and down. "Okay!" she said. Mr. Cake and Pinkie Pie left, leaving Mrs. Cake and Conrad alone in the living room.

Mrs. Cake took off her clothing and stepped over to Conrad, running her hooves over his body.

"Wait, what?" Conrad asked nervously.

"You've got quite the nerve," she said sultrily, "hitting on me like that in front of my husband. Fortunately for you, we do a variety of things to keep the marriage fresh. And one of them," she said, working to remove Conrad's belt, "is exactly what you were threatening me with."

"I'm sorry," Conrad said nervously. "I think there's been some sort of mistake."

"Oh, there's been no mistake here," Mrs. Cake replied. "I know exactly what I want, and you are going to help me scratch my little itch."

Mrs. Cake continued working Conrad's clothing off of him.

"I need an adult?" Conrad said weakly.

"I am an adult!"

Me, I'm kind of a Rarity.

"Good heavens!" Rarity said. "Look at how muddy you are! And it's all over your face, too! Why, I'm surprised you can even see!"

Conrad touched his face. Against all odds, the mask was still on his face, exactly where it was supposed to be.

Rarity asked, "Do you need help finding your way home so you can wash yourself up?"

"Not exactly," Conrad replied. "I just came in from out of town, so I don't have a place to wash up."

"Oh, you poor thing! Well, follow me and I'll help you get cleaned up."

"Are you sure? I wouldn't want to impose."

"Think nothing of it, darling. If every pony only looked out for themselves, Equestria would be a horrible place in which to live."

Conrad started to follow Rarity, then stopped and frowned. "You don't just want my testicles, do you?"

Rarity silently stared at Conrad with a look of confused horror.

Conrad continued, "It's just, I've had that happen before."

Rarity stared at Conrad in horrified shock. Without a word she turned around and started walking. Having no better options, Conrad followed her.

Rarity opened the door and stepped inside. Conrad followed her.

"Welcome to the Carousel Boutique," Rarity said to Conrad, "home to the finest apparel Ponyville has to offer: stallion's wear, mare's wear, and even clothes for little foals." Rarity gestured to the mannequins and mirrors around her.

"Oh, but do forgive me," she continued. "Where are my manners? The bathroom is around that corner, first door on your left. Take a shower and drop your dirty clothes down the laundry chute. There's some towels you can use to dry off, and I'll make sure you have some clothing to wear when you get out."

Conrad was flabbergasted. "Are you sure that's all right, ma'am?"

"Please, call me Rarity. What kind of pony would I be if I didn't help out another pony in distress?"

"Miss Rarity, I can't tell you how much this means to me. I've been here for a very long time, and I've honestly never had somebody be as kind as you are. If there's anything you want me to do in the future, anything at all, just ask."

Rarity giggled. "Oh, go on, then," she said.

Conrad left for the bathroom.

Once in the bathroom Conrad took his clothes off and dropped them down the laundry chute. He turned on the hot water and stepped underneath to take a nice, long, hot shower. Under the spray of hot water all his troubles just seemed to melt away. After several minutes Conrad randomly grabbed one of the shampoo bottles.

"De-pil-a-to-ry," he read out loud. "Huh. Weird name for a shampoo."

Conrad squeezed out some liquid from the bottle and rubbed it into his hair. After several minutes his hair started coming away in clumps.

Well that's weird. Conrad thought. I know I've been shedding, but I didn't think it was this much.

Conrad kept running his hands through his hair, pulling away larger and larger clumps each time. He continued doing this until eventually the hair stopped coming off his head.

Conrad turned the water off, stepped out of the shower, and wrapped a towel around himself. As he moved to leave the bathroom he saw a bald human in the window next to him. Conrad jumped and yelled in shock and surprise.

It was just a mirror. Conrad caught his breath and wagged his finger at his reflection, as if to say, "oh, you."

Conrad moved around, watching as his reflection did exactly the same thing he did. There seemed something odd about his reflection, though...

Conrad touched his own scalp. In the mirror, his reflection did the same.

Oh, that's it. Conrad though. I'm just bald now.

...

I'M BALD?! When? How? How did this happen?! What will the other ponies think when they see me all bald and ugly? Will they think I'm a hideous freak of nature?

Conrad started to cry, but then he realized something.

Wait, the ponies already think I'm a hideous freak of nature.

Phew. Crisis averted.

Chuckling to himself, Conrad wrapped a towel around his waist and left the bathroom.

Rarity was hard at work in the main room, sewing up an outfit for Conrad. It was pink and it had ruffles.

"Hello, Rarity!" Conrad said cheerfully.

"Oh, I'm not quite done with your outfit," she said. Then she looked up and saw Conrad. Her ears flattened against her head, her pupils shrank to dots, and she screamed as loudly as she could.

"Monster!" she yelled, telekinetically throwing random objects at Conrad. "Fiend! Get back! Back, I say!"

"No, no, it's okay!" Conrad said. "I just lost my hair! It's not a big deal. I scared myself in the mirror at first, but I'm still the same person I always was."

Rarity darted past Conrad and started pounding on the bathroom door.

"Oh nameless po~nyyyyyy," she said in a loud singsong voice, "there's a horrible monster here and I could really use your he~lllllllp!"

The door swung open of its own accord. Rarity hesitated, then went into the bathroom. All she could find was a very large cluster of hair in the shower drain.

"You barbarian!" she yelled to Conrad, who had followed her at a distance. "What did you do to him?!"

"Do to who?"

"That pony that has in here, taking a shower! Oh, what a brave, noble, generous pony! If only I had treated him better during the brief time he was here!"

"What are you talking abou-"

Conrad touched his face with his fingertips.

Oh, fuck. My mask!

Conrad recalled taking his mask off with the rest of his clothing to get into the shower. He also recalled throwing that bundle of clothing down the laundry chute.

Fuuuuuuuck.

"Where does that go?" Conrad asked, pointing to the laundry chute.

"What? Why? Why do you want to know? I'll never tell you, you vile fiend! Never!"

Conrad sighed. He reached over and picked Rarity up with one hand. Then he opened the laundry chute and dropped her in. Rarity's cursing and yelling could be heard all the way down.

Conrad left the bathroom and followed the sounds of Rarity yelling to the basement.

Rarity had landed in a large basket of dirty clothing. As she tried to free herself she came upon an unknown object. She dug it out and held it up. It was a floppy, lifeless mask of Brave Heart. Rarity shrieked in terror.

"Oh, there you are," Conrad said to the mask. "I was afraid I'd lost you."

"Oh my God!" Rarity yelled. "You killed that poor, innocent pony and shrunk his face into a mask!"

"What? No, it's just a mask!"

"That's what I said!"

"No, I mean, it's a mask of one of the guards in the prison I spent time in. I threw a mask party were I wore his face as a joke, then pretended like I didn't recognize him! There's nothing creepy or scary about that!"

Rarity shrieked in terror again. Then she flopped backwards into the basket.

"Oh, very well. You win, I give up," she said with a melodramatic sigh.

Conrad stared at her in confusion.

"Well, aren't you going to get on with it?" she asked.

"Get on with what?"

"Obviously you're a monster here to ravish me. I can no longer hold out, so do what you wish."

"Well, all right," Conrad said.

Rarity closed her eyes and lay back. There was silence, then she heard Conrad approaching her. She could hear the soft rustling noises his body made as he walked towards her. His arm brushed up against her. She could feel his hot breath on her fur. She whimpered, partly out of fear and partly in anticipation. Conrad grabbed the clothing underneath her and slowly pulled it out from underneath her, rolling her onto her side.

Any minute now, that brute will force me to do wicked, naughty, unspeakable things. I must resist. I must not give him the satisfaction of my pleasure. Any second now... any second...

Any second...

Rarity cracked one eye open. What was taking him so long?

Conrad was now wearing the same muddy clothing he had been wearing when he first came into the shop. He had stuffed something lifeless and floppy into one of his pants pockets, and he was already walking back towards the basement exit.

"Wait, where are you going?" Rarity asked. "Aren't you going to ravish me? Take me by force? Do wicked and naughty and unspeakable things to me?"

Conrad laughed. "Oh, hell no. You're five pounds of crazy in a one-pound bag. I wouldn't touch that with a ten foot pole."

A fire burned in Rarity's eyes and she jumped to her feet.

"Now look here, mister! You are a monster, and I am a damsel in distress in a compromised situation! I demand you act appropriately to the situation!"

Conrad responded by bolting out of the basement.

One of Rarity's eyes twitched.

Rarity yelled as loudly as she could in rage and frustration.

"AAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!"

"Crazy mares," Conrad muttered to himself as he walked away from the Carousel Boutique.

Far away, on the other side of town, the Cutie Mark Crusaders looked up as they heard a faint yell.

"What was that?" Apple Bloom asked.

"That would be Rarity's scream of extreme sexual frustration," said Sweetie Belle.

Scootaloo made a face. "Ew, gross," she said.

"What does 'extreme sexual frustration' mean?" Applebloom asked.

Sweetie Belle sighed. "I'll tell you when you're older, kid."

Applebloom whispered to Scootaloo, "Is it just me, or does she say that a lot?"

Scootaloo nodded in agreement.

Omake: Depilatory

"AAAAAAAAAA!!!!" Conrad screamed.

"AAAAAAAA!!!!" Rarity replied.

"MY HAIR!" Conrad yelled.

"YOUR HAIR!" Rarity yelled back.

"Why would you even have that shampoo?!"

"I DON'T KNOW!"

He Who Fights Monsters

Celestia stood in front of a chalk circle. In front of her was an unrolled scroll filled with childish crayon doodles and writing.

"Are you sure you're up for this, sister?" Luna asked, somewhat smugly. "You know you've never been able to get the spell to work."

"I must, sister! Conrad is a menace to Ponyville, and the only thing that can defeat him now is another monster! Now hush and let me cast this spell!"

"Oh, I wouldn't miss this for the world," Luna said with a smirk.

Celestia started chanting. "Oh waa taa guu sai yam. Oh waa taa guu sai yam." Behind her, Luna snickered softly.

"I summon thee, evil monster from beyond the veil. Oh waa taa guu sai yam! Come to Equestria and rid us of the monster known as Conrad 'Anonymous' Faust!"

"OH WAA TAA GUU SAI YAM! OHWAATAAGUUSAIYAM! OHWHATAGOOSEIAM! OHWHATAGOOSEIAM!"

Luna lost all decorum and fell to the ground, laughing and pounding the ground.

There was a blinding flash of light. A human stood in the center of the circle. He stood roughly 6 feet tall and wore a black leather trenchcoat. Strapped to his back was a sheathed katana. He peered over the top of his black sunglasses, revealing eyes of two different colors: one red, and one silver. He smiled, revealing his vampire fangs.

"You called for me, ladies?"

Luna was stunned. "I could have sworn that spell wouldn't work," she mumbled.

Celestia said, "I have summoned you because our fair county has been terrorized by the one known as Conrad Faust. I want you to track him down and end his threat. Also, let me just say that you look very attractive and handsome and not at all like the monster I was expecting."

"Thank you, m'lady," the young man said, "but I'm afraid that you're wrong. I have an inner beast, a monster inside myself that I must wrestle with every second of the day. Should I let my self-control lapse for even a second, I would become a danger to everybody around me. It is the burden that I alone must bear," he said sadly.

Luna rolled her eyes, but Celestia appeared entranced by the stranger's words. "That is so sad," Celestia murmured sincerely.

The summoned human turned his head sharply and stared off in the distance, as if he heard a noise.

"I sense something I have not sensed in a long time," he said. "Tell me, what is in that direction?"

"Not much," Celestia replied. "Hallways, a few janitor's closets, and of course the Forbidden Archive, where we keep the most powerful and dangerous artifacts and weapons on the face of the planet. You know, just normal, boring stuff."

The stranger nodded, as if Celestia had only confirmed something he already knew. He closed his eyes and held his hand aloft. His hand was surrounded by a white glow and a glowing katana shot out of the hallway and landed in his hand.

Celestia's eyes widened. "That's the Plus Three Katana of Inevitable Destruction!" she cried. "Only its true master can wield it without being struck dead! And it just flew into your hand!"

The stranger twirled the sword and holstered it at his side. "I guess that makes me the chosen one, then," he said cockily. "Now I must be off, to put an end to this menace. Though the dangers be great, though I face grave peril at every turn, I vow that I shall return triumphant!"

"Wait!" Celestia yelled. "Before you leave, I have to know: what is your name?"

"I have been known by many names. To my friends I am the candle in the darkness, the light of hope, and the protector of the innocent. To my enemies I am death incarnate, destroyer of evil and sunderer of worlds."

"You can call me Gary Stu."

There was a flash of light, and Gary was gone.

Celestia exhaled sharply. "What a guy," she said with a dopey grin.

Luna rolled her eyes.

"I'm telling you, Applejack, stallions won't go after me because I don't have enough bounce to my flank!"

"What are you talking about, Rainbow Dash?"

"You know, the cushion for the pushin'! That's why no pony wants to go out with me!"

Rainbow Dash sighed.

"One of these days," she continued, "I wish I could find some pony who could look past my tight, muscular body to see the adorable, vulnerable pony beneath."

As they walked, a mare overheard Rainbow's words and chuckled. Rainbow spun and grabbed her with a hoof.

"Are you saying I'm not vulnerable?!" she yelled at the panicked pony.

"No! Not at all! You're vulnerable! You're vulnerable!"

"Damn straight," said Rainbow Dash.

Rainbow released the unfortunate pony, who immediately ran away.

"I just wish I could find a nice guy," Rainbow continued wistfully.

As Rainbow and Applejack walked, several stallions in the crowd perked up.

"I'm a nice guy! I love you, Rainbow Dash! Pick me!" one stallion yelled.

"No, pick me! I'll write you love notes every day and give you flowers and breakfast in bed!"

"The hell you will!" another stallion cried. "I'm the nicest guy here, and I'll kick the flank of any pony who says differently!"

The argument degenerated into a brawl. Rainbow Dash continued walking, oblivious, until she walked straight into Gary Stu.

"Hello," Gary said.

Rainbow Dash jumped into Gary's arms. "Take me now!" she yelled.

Gary chuckled. "Maybe later," he said, putting a pouting Rainbow Dash down. "I'm here to find and destroy a monster called Conrad. He looks like me, except not nearly as handsome or cool."

"Oh! Oh!" exclaimed Rainbow Dash. "I know the one you mean! That's the creature that abducted Applejack and planned to eat her! Remember that, Applejack?"

Applejack rubbed the back of her head. "I gotta admit, I don't rightly remember much about it. But if you say that's what happened, that must be what happened."

"Well, speak of the devil," said Gary.

Across the road, Conrad was briskly walking away from the Carousel Boutique. "Crazy mares," Conrad muttered to himself.

Gary Stu jumped twenty feet into the air with a graceful leap and landed in front of Conrad. Gary's black trenchcoat billowed out behind him.

"Halt, vile fiend!" Gary yelled. "Your iniquity ends here!"

Conrad's eyes went wide.

"You!" Conrad yelled. "What are you doing here?"

"I have been summoned by this land's rulers to put an end to your wicked ways!"

"What, you mean those rulers?" Conrad asked, pointing to a spot just behind Gary.

"Wait, they followed me here?" Gary asked, turning to spot Celestia or Luna. "I thought I left them behind at the..."

Gary turned back, only to see a rapidly-retreating Conrad.

"Oh, it is on," Gary said.

Gary's form blurred, then Gary disappeared, only to reappear in front of Conrad. Gary struck Conrad's chest with his open palm, sending Conrad flying backwards and slamming him against a brick wall, leaving hairline cracks in the wall. Gary blurred again and reappeared immediately in front of Conrad.

"Pathetic," Gary said. "You are the monster I was warned about? You were hardly even a challenge."

Conrad slammed his fists backwards into the wall. The wall, already weakened by Conrad's body, came down on top of both Gary and Conrad.

The nearby ponies stared at the pile of bricks and rubble that had been a wall just moments before. No pony moved.

Gary Stu exploded out of the rubble. His sunglasses had fallen off and his trenchcoat was torn in places. A crimson battle aura surrounded Gary. He reached in and effortlessly pulled Conrad's limp body out of the pile. With his free hand he backhanded Conrad. Conrad ragdolled down the street, bouncing several times before he rolled to a stop.

"Okay," Gary Stu said, "now I'm pissed!"

Gary Stu drew the katana from his back. As soon as it exited the sheath it ignited with flames running up and down the blade.

"I call this one the Sword of Ogre Decapitation," Gary said. "It's overkill against somebody like you, but I think it's appropriate."

"Stop!"

A pink pony ran and placed herself between Conrad and Gary. "Don't do this!" Pinkie Pie yelled. "I know every pony thinks he's a monster, but he isn't! He really isn't! He doesn't deserve to be treated like this!"

"Step aside, pony," Gary Stu said imperiously. "This is between him and me."

Conrad pulled himself up to his hands and knees. "Pinkie," he said softly, "come here."

Pinkie Pie walked over to Conrad, who whispered in her ear.

"Are you sure?" Pinkie Pie asked.

Conrad simply nodded.

Pinkie Pie slowly cantered away.

Gary Stu sneered. "You made the right choice. And now to end this, once and for all!"

"I don't think so!" yelled Conrad. In Conrad's right hand was a glowing white orb of light. Gary Stu swung his flaming sword directly at it.

There was a blinding flash of light. There was silence. Then there was a deafening explosion.

When the dust had settled, both Gary and Conrad were gone. All that remained was the twisted, warped remains of a katana, and a few shreds of fabric that had once been a leather trenchcoat.

Many years ago:

"I am the coolest monster hunter ever! I have a katana, and different-color eyes, and a black, billowing trenchcoat that makes me look a hundred percent cooler!" Gary yelled.
"Oh, no! I am a horrible monster! Please don't defeat me!" Conrad replied.
Gary swung an imaginary blade at Conrad. "Take that, foul creature!"
"Gwah, I am defeated!" Conrad replied, falling over and pretending to be dead. Gary held his imaginary sword aloft in the air in victory.
"But!" Conrad interrupted, "In my death-throes I shall take you with me! Kaboom!"
"Ack! I am slain!" Gary yelled.
Gary fell over, landing on the lawn next to Conrad. They both laughed. Their mother opened the sliding door to the house and stepped out into the backyard.
"Kids!" she called. "Dinner's ready!"
"Okay, mom," Gary and Conrad chorused.
Conrad got up. Gary grabbed Conrad and pulled him down at the same time as he pulled himself up. Conrad chased Gary into the house.

Present-day:

"I still can't believe you did that."
"Oh, come on, bro. That was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. You can't blame me for acting on it."
Conrad sighed. "Yeah, yeah. You realize I'm going to have to explain this all to Pinkie Pie, right?"
Gary shrugged. "Not my problem."
Conrad grabbed Gary and put him in a noogie-hold. "Oh, yeah? How about I make it your problem?"
"Ack! Augh! Okay, okay, I give!"
"All joking aside," Conrad said, "it was good seeing you."
Gary smiled. "Yeah, it was."
There was a pleasant silence.
"So, what do you want to do now?" Conrad asked.
"Well, I don't know about you," Gary replied, pulling out a pony mask, "but I wouldn't mind attending my own funeral."
Conrad grinned. "It's like you read my mind."

An unfortunate misunderstanding / Putting the FUN in funeral!

Brave Heart stomped around the castle grounds, yelling and muttering to himself. "That stupid, stupid human!" he said. "Always playing around and joking and making light of everything! Sometimes you have to accept that life sucks! Sometimes you can't have fun or be playful, you have to be somber! Well, I'm somber, and look where it's gotten me!"

Unfortunately for Brave Heart, Princess Celestia rounded the corner just in time to hear him yell that he was somber.

"You're Sombra?!" Celestia cried, rearing back. "Quickly!" she yelled, running away. "Every pony to arms! King Sombra has returned! The evil king who took over the Crystal Empire is back and he wants to rule Canterlot with an iron hoof!"

Brave Heart facehooved. "So this is what Conrad goes through," he muttered to himself.

In almost no time at all he faced dozens of castle guards, all arrayed in front of him. Celestia was behind the guards, standing as far away as she could stand and still look like she was bravely facing down King Sombra.

One of the guards yelled, "Throw down any weapons you may have and we'll beat up up!"

Brave Heart frowned. "Don't you mean, OR we'll beat you up?" he asked.

"I know what I said!"

Brave Heart sighed.

This is too stupid to work, but I don't have any other options.

"Look!" Brave Heart yelled, pointing behind the guards. "Behind you!"

To Brave Heart's shock (and slight dismay), the guards and Princess Celestia all turned to look in the direction he pointed.

When every pony turned back a few seconds later, Brave Heart had disappeared and a nearby bush quivered slightly.

"Truly he must be King Sombra!" Celestia said. "No pony but him has such control over shadow magics. Quickly! Spread out! His shadow-form must not be allowed to escape!"

For the next half-hour the guards poked the shadows on the ground for any sign of King Sombra. One guard stabbed at the ground under an apple tree, while a whole platoon methodically stabbed the shadow cast by the west side of the castle.

No pony thought to check the bushes that had a tail sticking out of one side.

A palace guard addressed Princess Celestia. "I have bad news, princess," he said. "It appears Sombra has escaped."

"Curse that fiend! Celestia yelled. Behind her a bush sneezed.

"Forgive me, your majesty," another guard said, "but I don't understand. Why didn't you just blast him with your light magic? Shouldn't that have defeated him? Light beats shadow, after all."

Princess Celestia hemmed and hawed. "Well, you see, I'd love to, but the last time I faced him in battle, it was a terrible, terrible struggle-"

Celestia pounded on the door of a stone cottage.

"Face me, evil King Sombra!"

From inside the cottage a voice yelled, "Fuck off!"

Celestia slumped against the door, pouting.

"-and I didn't want any of my pony subjects to be hurt in the crossfire if I could avoid it. That's why I stood all the way at the back, while all of you guards stood between me and Sombra. For your own protection."

The guard nodded sagely. "That makes sense. Where would he go next?"

Celestia thought about this.

"The last time he was here he took over the Crystal Empire. That must be where he's going again!"

"Are you sure?"

"I'm positive! The foul fiend never learns from his mistakes!"

"I filed a restraining order against you, Celestia," Sombra said from inside his cottage.

"But I'm the princess!" Celestia complained. "I decide the laws! You can't file a restraining order on me!"

"Apparently I can."

A scroll materialized in a flash of light in front of Celestia, who unrolled it and started reading it.

"Due to harrassment, blah blah blah, distance no further than blah blah blah, shall be in effect for- A THOUSAND YEARS?!"

Inside his cottage Sombra smiled. It had been worth the small fortune he had paid the judge to insert that clause. Now to see if Celestia would honor it.

"Very well, Sombra! Not even I, Princess Celestia, am above the law. But know this! When this restraining order has expired, I shall find you again! And I shall rid the world of your eeeeevil!"

"Fine! Whatever! Now fuck off!"

A pouting Celestia left Sombra's estate.

"Very well, Princess Celestia!" the enthusiastic guard said. "I shall mobilize a small battalion of our forces, led by you, our great and glorious leader! We shall face this dark creature and strike down his evil! Even if he crushes our entire army, even if he causes you unbearable pain through his dark arts, even if he seals you away for a thousand years in a hell-dimension of pain and suffering, even if-"

"Ah, private?" Princess Celestia interrupted.

"Yes?"

"As much as I would love to handle this myself, I think that this is something that would be best handled by Princess Twilight Sparkle."

"Are you sure?" the guard asked. "We would gladly lay our life on the line for such a noble cause."

"Well, you see, the thing about that is... I wouldn't."

"What?"

"Er, I mean, I wouldn't want to trouble you and your forces. After all, the Crystal Empire is so far away..."

"I swear to you, it wouldn't be any trouble at all!"

"And it's so cold in the Crystal Empire! Wouldn't you prefer to stay here where it's nice and warm?"

"We would gladly face the cold weather if it means taking down a monster like Sombra! And besides," he continued conspiratorially, "I heard it's actually getting warmer there now that the Crystal Heart is up and running."

Princess Celestia looked at the guard in annoyance.

"Oh, fuck this," she said, and zapped the guard with a spell.

"We are going to stay here and let Twilight Sparkle handle the problem," Celestia said.

"We are going to stay here and let Twilight Sparkle handle the problem," the guard echoed.

Celestia walked away and sighed. Honestly, good help is so hard to find.

Pinkie Pie stifled her laughter.

"Pinkie!" Twilight shouted. "This is a very serious matter and nothing to joke about."

Brave Heart nodded solemnly. "You're absolutely right, miss Twilight Sparkle."

Brave Heart wore a black, button-up shirt, slacks, black shoes, and a party hat, and he had in his hand a plastic novelty noise-maker.

Brave Heart continued, "This is nothing to make light of. Don't you agree, Not-Gary?"

Not-Gary was dressed similarly, but instead of a party hat he was wearing a propeller beanie, thick coke-bottle glasses, and a set of false buck teeth.

"I agree with you wholeheartedly," Not-Gary said sincerely. "A beloved of Equestria has passed away, and the situation calls for the utmost solemnity."

Not-Gary blew his novelty noise-maker. *phwee!*

Pinkie Pie fell down and laughed her ass off, pounding the ground.

"See, Pinkie?" Twilight said. "These nice stallions understand, why can't you?"

Pinkie Pie just laughed even harder. Exasperated, Twilight threw her hooves in the air and left.

Not-Gary chuckled. "Sorry, Rainbow, but I'm not the sort of person who settles down, 'ya know?"

"No, no, that's totally cool. Did you know we have, um, herds here?"

"Herds?" Not-Gary asked.

"Yeah, yeah, totally. Like, you can get a bunch of mares and have open relationships and stuff. One guy, lots of girls. That's what guys are into, right?"

Applejack frowned. "Now wait just a minute, sugar," she said. "I don't recall ever hearing anything about no herds-"

Rainbow Dash grabbed Applejack and dragged her down, whispering in her ear, "I haven't gotten laid in over a year. Do not fuck this up for me!"

Rainbow Dash grabbed Not-Gary's arm and practically dragged him away. "Let's go for a walk," Rainbow Dash said with a strained smile on her face. Not-Gary amusedly waved goodbye to Applejack as he was dragged away.

Not-Gary sat on the ground next to Pinkie Pie. Brave Heart stood a few paces away, watching the bonfire and the ponies milling around it.

"He may seem like an idiot," Not-Gary said, "but I promise you that he is one of the most insightful, clever people I have ever known. And I'm not just saying that because he's my brother. He- Are you eating paste?"

Brave Heart looked up, a can of paste in his hand. "Maybe," he mumbled through a mouth full of paste.

"Where did you even get that? You know what, never mind. It doesn't matter. Give me that."

"Nuh-uh."

"Don't make me get up there and take it from you."

"Nuh-uh! Ith good!"

Not-Gary rolled a large barrel down the street, stopping it in front of the large bonfire. He set it on its side and opened a spout on the side, drawing cups of foamy liquid for ponies to drink.

"What's that?" some pony asked.

"Scumble," Not-Gary replied. "It's made with apples. Well, mostly apples."

"Whooee, that sounds delicious, pardner!" Applejack called. "I could use some nice apple cider."

"Well, it's kind of like cider..." Not-Gary said unconvincingly.

Applejack grabbed a cup and drained the entire thing.

"Whoooee!" she yelled. "That's got some kick to it! What did you say this was called?"

And then Applejack collapsed to the ground, unconscious.

Not-Gary watched her dispassionately. "Lightweight," he muttered.

The Next Day:

Well this is just embarrassing, Conrad thought to himself. Somebody had taken a perfectly good treehouse and built a cardboard facade around it. It looked like somebody had taken a marker to some cardboard and drew a pattern of bricks all along the surface but got distracted halfway through. Right in the middle somebody had painted the word "CASTLƎ" in large red letters.

Conrad reached out and touched the facade. Yup, cardboard.

Shaking his head, Conrad knocked at the door. Less than a minute later Spike answered the door.

"Hey, Conrad!" Spike yelled happily. "What's up?"

"I just stopped by to make sure Twilight was okay. If I had been there I never would have let my brother bring out that scumble in the first place, so I feel like it's my responsibility to check up on every pony who had some."

"Hey yeah," Spike said, "where were you last night, anyways?"

"Um..."

Pinkie Pie snuggled against Conrad's stomach.

"Oh, my God," Conrad said, enjoying the warmth and softness, "you ponies are amazingly snugglable. How about you, Rose, you doing okay?"

Rose snuggled against Conrad's backside and made an adorable mewling noise.

"Best funeral ever," Conrad said with a smile.

Conrad slowly drifted off to sleep.

"I had other stuff to take care of."

Twilight Sparkle clutched her head in agony.

Oh God, she thought. Oh god, oh, god, oh god, the pain, the freaking pain.

Twilight cracked one eye open and saw a spear of light shining through the window. Through the glass she saw the sun slowly rise over the treetops, slowly but inexorably brightening her room.

On any other day Twilight would have appreciated the scenic view. Today, however, she just whimpered in pain and burrowed into her bedding.

"Spike," she rasped. She licked her dry lips and cleared her throat. Her mouth felt gummy. "Spike," she feebly called.

Twilight Sparkle poked her head out from under the blanket and looked around. Spike was nowhere to be seen. Sitting on the nightstand next to her bed was a clear bottle of water, two small white pills, and a note. The note read, "Take these pills for the pain. Sorry about my brother. -Conrad"

Twilight stared at the note, then took the pills and drank the water before slowly sliding back into the bedding.

The door opened and Spike walked through. "Morning, Twilight!" he yelled. "How-"

That's as far as he got before Twilight threw a pillow directly into his face, knocking him backwards.

"Shhhhhhhh," Twilight said from underneath the blankets. "Sun hurts. Head hurts. Don't talk loud. Shhhhhhhh."

Spike nodded uncertainly.

"Oh, um, sorry then," he said at a lower volume. "I was just wondering if you were okay. You know, after yesterday?"

"Af'er... yes'er'ay?" Twilight mumbled. She frowned. What had she been doing yesterday?

Twilight danced on the table at her home, a lampshade on her head, her friends laughing and cheering her on.

"Celestia can just kiss my flank!" she yelled.

"Woooo! Go Twilight!" Rainbow Dash yelled.

"I don't know what's in this stuff but I LOVE IT!" Twilight yelled.

And then she passed out.

Twilight whimpered.

Twilight Sparkle slowly made her way downstairs. Sitting at the table were Spike and a 6-foot tall clothed bipedal hairless creature.

The creature looked up at Twilight. "Ah, there you are," it said with a smile. "I hope you don't mind us waiting for you. There's some toast here for you if you want it, and a pitcher of water for you. Trust me when I say your body needs it right now."

Twilight made her way to the table and sat down.

"Thanks," she mumbled.

"Don't mention it."

Twilight, Spike, and Conrad ate in silence.

"This is going to sound like a dumb question," Twilight said, "but do I know you?"

"Yes," Conrad said.

Twilight waited for an elaboration, but none was forthcoming.

"Okay," she eventually said.

The three sat at the table in silence as Twilight ate some toast and drank some water.

"You were right, I do feel a little better," Twilight said.

Conrad chuckled. "Believe me, this is not the first time I've had to treat one of my brother's scumble-induced hangovers."

Spike belched and a scroll appeared.

"Twilight, you've got a letter from the Princess."

Twilight groaned. "Just read it to me," she said.

"Dearest Twilight Sparkle, a situation has arisen that requires your personal hoof. King Sombra has arisen once more, and we have reason to believe he is headed for the Crystal Empire. Please gather your friends and take care of this for me. I'd do it myself, but I just had my hooves polished and can't do a thing with them. -Princess Celestia"

Twilight Sparkle groaned.

Many years ago:

Luna sorted through a pile of paperwork on her desk. Lounging on a couch in the same room, Celestia played with a yo-yo.

"Celestia," Luna said, inspecting one of the sheets of paper, "do you know why we aren't allowed to go to the Crystal Empire any more? It says something here about a restraining order."

"Nay, sister, it must be King Sombra's foul influence at work! He has sealed the entire Crystal Kingdom away for the next THOUSAND YEARS!"

Luna rolled her eyes. "Whatever."

Planning Meeting

An hour later, Twilight, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Gary and Conrad were sitting around a table in Twilight's house. Applejack, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash were all nursing their heads and trying to block out the sunlight with varying degrees of success. Gary and Conrad walked around the table, delivering a cup of water and a painkiller to each of the ponies still dealing with the hangover.

Rainbow Dash blearily looked at Gary. "Didn't you die?" she asked.

"Nope," Gary responded. "You must be thinking of somebody else."

Rarity looked at Conrad. "Monster," she said dully. "No. Get away. Don't have your way with me."

Conrad passed her a plate with several slices of toast on it.

"Here," he said. "Eat up. You'll feel right as rain soon."

Rarity stopped half-heartedly panicking and started munching on the toast.

"Say, where's Fluttershy?" Twilight asked. "Weren't you two going to get her?"

Gary and Conrad shared a look. "Er..." "Um..."

Gary and Conrad stood in front of Fluttershy's house. Loud yells came from inside.

"Oh! Oh! Oh, YES!" a female voice cried. "Give it to me harder! Beat me! Whip me! Spank me! I've been a bad pony!"

Gary turned to Conrad and mouthed, "What the fuck?"

"Treat me like the dirty, dirty pony that I am, Angel Bunny!"

Gary slowly backed away from the door. Conrad moved to knock at the door, but Gary grabbed him and dragged him away.

"She must not have been there," Gary said, lying through his teeth.

"Really?" Conrad asked. "Then who was making those loud-OW!"

Gary stared at Conrad meaningfully.

"Did you just kick me?" Conrad asked.

"Impossible," Gary said through gritted teeth, "because I only kick the shins of people who don't stop talking about potentially embarrassing situations."

"Oh, okay," Conrad said. "So anyway, we went to Fluttershy's-OW!"

Gary glared at Conrad. "I swear to God, Conrad, you cannot possibly be this stupid."

"I can if I want to be!" Conrad said cheerily.

"Well, I guess we can get started without her," Twilight said. "One of you will just have to fill her in on what she's missed."

Pinkie Pie's head shot up. "Wait, you don't mean..."

"That's right! I'm going to go over our plans for getting to the Crystal Empire and dealing with Sombra."

Every pony groaned loudly.

Gary shared an amused look with Conrad. How bad could it be?

"...refer to section 11.A.23.c in the event of pudding-based chaos magic. However, that all depends on Pinkie Pie and Conrad doing their parts, as outlined in..."

Twilight had been discussing her plans for over an hour so far. In excruciating detail.

A soft intermittent buzzing noise caught Conrad's attention. He got up from the table without disturbing anyone and followed the noise. He briefly looked around to make sure nobody was paying attention, then hopped out the first-story window. The buzzing came from a nearby decorative shrubbery. Conrad forced the vegetation aside. Hidden behind the shrubbery was a sleeping four-legged pony-like creature that had chitin instead of fur. It had a set of wings that buzzed every time it exhaled, creating the intermittent buzzing pattern that Conrad had heard.

The changeling opened its eyes blearily and looked at Conrad. "Five more minutes," she said, then closed her eyes and apparently went back to sleep.

Conrad chuckled softly and poked the changeling. "Sorry little one, but you really aren't supposed to be sleeping here."

The changeling yawned and rubbed the sleep out of her eyes. "Sorry. I was spying on my older sister and I guess I just fell asleep listening to Twilight's report. Could you not tell any pony you saw me?"

The changeling looked up at Conrad with solid blue puppy-dog eyes.

Conrad shrugged. "Sure. But aren't you supposed to be in school?"

The changeling laughed. "Trust me, I don't have to worry about that."

"Button Mash?"

"Here."

"Silver Spoon?"

"Here."

"Sweetie Belle?"

No answer.

"Sweetie Belle? Oh, there she is."

Sitting in Sweetie Belle's seat was a stuffed life-size pony doll with a white coat and a purple-and-pink mane.

Apple Bloom leaned across the aisle and whispered to Sweetie Belle, "Did you do something with your mane today? You look different."

The Sweetie Belle doll flopped down and landed face-down on the desk.

"Huh. Guess not."

"So, what are you guys going to be doing, anyways?" the changeling asked. "I know Twilight, and she only whips out the size-8 font for the really important stuff."

Conrad smiled wryly. "Weren't you paying attention?" he asked. "I'm sure if you asked her, Twilight would be more than willing to go over the entire thing again, just for you."

The changeling pouted. "I can't make heads or tails of what she says when she gets like this. Why don't you just give me the abridged version?"

"Sure, why not?" Conrad said cheerfully. "I don't see anything wrong with sharing personal information with a complete stranger who was hiding in the shrubbery and claims to be related to one of the ponies inside!"

The changeling frowned. "That was oddly specific," she said.

"It was, wasn't it?" Conrad said amicably. "Anyhow, we're going to be going to the Crystal Empire to deal with somebody named Sombra."

The changeling's eyes got wide. "The Crystal Empire? The place where Queen- sorry, Princess Cadence lives?"

Conrad shrugged. "Maybe? I don't really know much about it, except that it's an Empire, and is in some way, shape, or form related to crystals."

The changeling climbed out from behind the bushes and ran around to the front door. She threw the door open and yelled, "Rarity, you have to take me with you!"

Twilight yelled, "Changeling!"

The changeling's entire body stiffened. She touched her own face briefly then turned around and galloped away from Twilight's house. Soon she was out of sight.

Conrad picked up a floppy mask from the shrubbery.

"Huh," he said. "I wonder if she dropped this."

On the Road Again...

The Mane Six plus two humans sat in a train taking them directly to the Crystal Empire. Rainbow Dash nuzzled up to Gary while ignoring the catty comments Rarity made. Applejack and Fluttershy discussed the price of apples and how that would affect Fluttershy's pets, Pinkie Pie snored in her seat, and Twilight Sparkle went over her notes, making sure she hadn't left anything to chance.

Conrad was bored. He stood up, squeezed past the other ponies, and wandered down the aisle, moving through the different cars and poking his head into compartments at random. Every car was empty, since the entire train had been rented out for Twilight Sparkle's personal use.

As Gary had said, "Hey, sometimes it pays to be royalty."

The last car at the very rear of the train was a large empty space that had no individual compartments. In the center of the floor was a large pile of hay, large enough to come up to Conrad's neck.

Puzzled, Conrad walked back to the others.

"Does anybody know why there's a large pile of hay at the rear of the train?" Conrad asked.

"Oh, I did that," Applejack said. "The Royal Guardspony said I should."

"What Royal Guardspony?" Conrad asked.

Four hours ago, a suspiciously small royal guard wearing cardboard armor walked up to Applejack.

"Applejack!" he said, in a surprisingly high-pitched voice. "I have an important assignment for you! The very fate of Equestria depends on your actions! Are you up to the challenge?"

Applejack swelled with pride. "You bet your mane I am! What do I have to do?"

"Your friends will be departing for the Crystal Empire soon by train. When they do, your job is to find something large enough to hide a single filly and bring it with you onboard the train. Place it somewhere out of the way, then leave it completely unattended while you and your friends board the train. Can you do this?"

Applejack saluted smartly. "Yes, sir!"

"...and that's why I put the pile of hay on the train. Come to think of it, though, he never did say why he needed it."

Twilight and the rest of the ponies nodded, as if the situation was perfectly normal.

Gary facepalmed. "Conrad-" Gary said.

"On it," Conrad replied, and left the car.

Conrad went to the rear car. He pulled a mask out of his pocket and held it up to the pile of hay. A black hoof with holes in it reached out of the hay pile and swiped the mask before disappearing back into the hay.

"Good," Conrad said. "Now come on, let's go meet the others."

The creature in the hay pile shifted uneasily. "Do I have to?" she asked.

"Yes. Now come on."

The changeling sighed and hopped out of the hay pile. Her mask firmly in place, she walked with Conrad to meet the others.

"I found this little one hiding in the back car," he said, gesturing to the masked changeling.

"Brave Heart?" Rarity asked. "What are you doing here?"

Conrad looked at the changeling, then did a double-take. Sure enough, the changeling was wearing Conrad's Brave Heart mask! Thinking quickly, Conrad pointed in the opposite direction and yelled, "Look over there!"

Every pony turned to look (except for Pinkie Pie, who was still sleeping), and when they turned back Sweetie Belle was standing in front of them and Conrad was hastily stuffing something into his pocket.

"Oh, Sweetie Belle!" Rarity said. "What are you doing here? And where did that other pony go?"

Conrad waved his hand, palm-out, in a wiping motion with two fingers curled into his hand. "There never was any other pony," he said. "It was all just Sweetie Belle."

Rarity frowned. "I know what I saw, Conrad."

Sweetie Belle chose that moment to pipe up. "Oh, that nice mister helped me find my way here. And then when he saw that you guys were here, he left because you're all such wonderful parent-figures and he knew he could trust all of you to look after me. Especially you, Rarity."

"Awwwwww," said the entire herd at this declaration.

Rarity was choked up with tears. "Well, the next time you see that stallion, be sure to thank him for me."

Sweetie Belle was all angelic innocent smiles. Still smiling, she caugh Conrad's attention and muttered, "Amateur."

"Bite me," Conrad muttered back.

"Still, that's no excuse!" Rarity continued. "You shouldn't have come here. Where we're going isn't a safe place for little fillies."

Sweetie Belle pouted. "But Spike gets to go," she said, "and he can't be much older than I am! ... I think. How old is Spike, anyways?" she muttered. "Come to think of it, how old am I?"

Rarity opened her mouth to answer, then paused as well.

"You don't know either," said Sweetie Belle deadpan.

"That's not the point," Rarity replied. "Twilight Sparkle is in charge of Spike, and I'm sure she trusts him to handle himself in a crisis or she wouldn't have brought him along. Don't you, Twilight?"

Rarity turned to Twilight. Twilight's mouth was hanging open and her pupils were constricted in terror.

"Spike!" she said in a choked voice. "We forgot Spike!"

Inside Twilight Sparkle's ~~Tree House~~ "Castle":

Spike put on a pair of sunglasses and lay back on a collapsible beach chair. Around him were several attractive mares. Some of them were playing volleyball with an inflatable ball and net he'd set up, while others were gathered around him.

"Is it true that you once ate an entire mountain?" one of them asked.

Spike sucked pina colada through a crazy straw. "I may have," he said. "Sometimes I do so many awesome things it's hard to keep track."

The mares around him giggled and cooed at him. One of the mares rubbed at the green protrusions on Spike's head.

"Awwwwww, yissssss," Spike said contentedly.

The Revelation Is At Hand

Author's Note

Warning: Feels.

The Revelation Is At Hand

Twilight and her friends arrived at the Crystal Empire safely. Tour guides were found to show the rest of the ponies around while Shining Armor and Princess Cadence took Twilight aside to spend some family time together.

After an hour of small talk and catching up on family news, Shining Armor and Princess Cadence shared a look.

Princess Cadence sighed. "I think it's time," she said.

"Do we have to?" Shining asked.

"She's old enough to know," Cadence replied.

Shining Armor sighed. "You're right, dear. I was just hoping..."

"It never gets any easier. Trust me, I know."

Twilight looked between the two ponies, confused by the conversation. "What are you guys talking about?" she asked.

Shining Armor sighed. "Twilight, we have something to tell you. Before we do, I just want you to know that no matter what happens or what you decide to do, we both love you very much and we always will."

Twilight smiled. "I know that, B. B. B. F. F. And I feel the same way about both of you."

"Well, just be aware that it will be something of a shock," Princess Cadence said.

"Is it about the birds and the bees?" Twilight asked. "Because I think I've almost figured out how they're having sex with each other."

"No, Twilight," Princess Cadence replied, "although remind me to have words with whoever was in charge of your sex education."

Twilight said, "Well, no matter what it is, I can handle it. Both of you have always been there for me and I love you, and that will never change."

Princess Cadence took off her mask, revealing an insectoid form.

"AHHHHHHH!" Twilight yelled. "Changeling! Kill it with fire!"

"No, Twilight, calm down!" yelled Shining Armor. "It's okay!"

"She's brainwashed you!" Twilight yelled. "That must be it!"

"Well, yes," Shining Armor said awkwardly, "but it was consensual every time."

"Huh?"

"Never mind, I'll explain that when you're older. The point is... this is my wife," he said affectionately. "Her name is Queen Chrysalis and she's a good creature. She's an important part of my life, and I hope she becomes an important part of yours."

"If Queen Chrysalis is here," Twilight hesitantly asked, "where's the real Cadence?"

Twilight, Shining Armor, and Queen Chrysalis stood outside a prison cell within the castle. Lying on the floor of the cell was a familiar pink alicorn. Her hair was grimy and matted, and she could be smelled from outside the cell. Queen Chrysalis wrinkled her nose in disgust.

"We try to keep things as humane as we can," Chrysalis said, "but for some reason she refuses to take baths or showers. We're not sure why. Well, at least she's stopped throwing more... unpleasant things.

Cadence raised her head as they approached. "Well, if it isn't little Twilight Sparkle?" she asked with a mocking voice. "Or should I say, Twilight FAILURE! You may think you're all that, but I know the pony you really are! Did you tell them about the time you wet your pants in first grade? Or the crush you had on Art Decal, the colt who ate paste? Hey, Twilight! Remember the time you got lost in the woods for three whole days? I didn't even look for you! You know what? You just weren't important enough!

Cadence cackled madly. Shining Armor's face twisted with rage. His horn glowed and Cadence was suddenly enclosed in a pink soundproof bubble.

Twilight's eyes filled with unshed tears. Shining Armor ushered Twilight away from Cadence's jail cell, Chrysalis following closely behind.

"She was a monster," Chrysalis said to Twilight softly. "You were just a filly and you didn't deserve that sort of treatment from any pony."

Twilight started crying softly. "I just thought," she said between sobs, "that if I tried my best, if I was the smartest, best pony in class, then she'd finally... she'd finally..." Twilight lost her composure and started bawling. Shining Armor wrapped his front legs around her and held her close. Eventually she calmed down.

"What's she here for?" Twilight finally asked.

Shining Armor and Chrysalis shared a glance. "Technically," Chrysalis said, "impersonating a member of the royal kingdom. The official story is that she is the changeling behind the attack on our wedding."

"And you're just going to leave her there, in prison, for something she didn't do?" Twilight asked.

"She's done so many horrible things, but she's clever enough that we can't prove any of them." Chrysalis explained. "Will that be a problem for you?"

Twilight stared at Princess Cadence, who was ranting and pounding at the inside of Shining Armor's shield spell.

"In any other situation it would be," Twilight said dully, "but for the life of me I can't think of why I should care."

"Come on," Chrysalis said. "It's been a rough day for all of us, and I think we could use some ice cream therapy."

"With butterscotch ripples?" Twilight asked hopefully.

"Your favorite," Chrysalis replied with a wink. Twilight smiled. The three of them left the prison.

After a few minutes Shining Armor's shield spell popped and Cadence was unceremoniously dumped to the ground.

"Get back here!" she yelled to the long-since departed ponies. "I'm not done with you yet!"

There was no pony there. All that remained was silence.

"I'll throw poop at the walls again! I mean it!"

The three ponies relaxed on the Royal Bed and ate ice cream out of the containers they came in.

"No, that can't be right," Twilight argued. "I heard that you used the power of the crystal heart to vanquish King Sombra and bring warmth to a frozen wasteland."

"Well, you're partly right," Queen Chrysalis admitted.

The handyman took a critical look at the Crystal Heart City Heating Unit ("For all your city-warming needs!")

"Can you help us?" Princess Cadence asked.

The handyman walked in front of one of the parts of the machine and kicked it. The entire heating unit roared to life.

"Oh, thank you!" Princess Cadence gushed.

"That'll be five hundred fifty bits," the pony replied.

"What?!" Princess Cadence yelled. "That's outrageous! That's highway robbery! I could have done that myself!"

"Well sure," the handyman replied, "but first you'd have to know where to kick it."

"I think I get it," Twilight said, "but where does King Sombra fit into this story?

"The company's name was King Sombra's Heating and Air Conditioning Repair," Chrysalis replied. "There's no actual pony named King Sombra."

"Then why did Princess Celestia tell me there was?"

Chrysalis sighed. "A few years ago Celestia became obsessed with the pony who played their mascot. She was convinced he was 'up to no good' and constantly stalked him. Eventually the poor guy got a judge to bar her from the entire Crystal Empire.

"Celestia wouldn't do that!" Twilight yelled.

Chrysalis replied, "Did you ever stop to ask her why she sent you and your friends, instead of handling the matter herself?"

Twilight frowned. "You know, I asked her that one time. She just said, 'that's what meat shields are for,' before sending me out to the front lines. In retrospect, I probably should have paid more attention to that."

"Does this explain why Princess Cadence made buzzing noises every now and then?"

Shining Armor coughed uncomfortably. "No," he said, "that was just Crissy. She's a little weird like that."

"We all have our quirks," Queen Chrysalis said primly. "Bzzzzzzt."

"You know, you never did tell me what happened with the Canterlot Invasion," Twilight said.

Chrysalis laughed and Shining Armor smirked.

"There was no invasion," Chrysalis explained. "It was just a really windy day."

"I don't get it."

A gust of wind tore the paper mask away from a changeling's face. Then another changeling lost their mask. Then another. And another. Soon the town square was filled with unmasked changelings.

"Oh shit!" a pony yelled. "It's an ambush!"

"It's an invasion!" yelled another pony.

"SOUND THE ALARM! WE'RE UNDER ATTACK!"

The changelings tried to run away, but in the chaos and confusion they kept slamming into other ponies.

Princess Cadence came outside to see what all the yelling and commotion was about.

"Princess Cadence is here!" a pony shouted. "She'll save us!"

Cadence groaned inwardly but put on a brave face.

"Never fear, citizens!" she yelled. I shall cast a love shield that will blast away these dangerous creatures! It might look like a flashbang, but I promise you it's not! Now, every pony look at me while the changelings get blown away in the air!

"Oh yeah," one of the changelings said, "I forgot we could fly."

There was a bright flash of light, and when the ponies' eyes cleared the changelings were gone.

"Princess Cadence has saved us! Three cheers for the Princess! Hip hip,"

"HUZZAH!"

"Hip hip,"

"HUZZAH!"

"Hip hip,"

"HUZZAH!"

Shining Armor laughed uproariously while Twilight stared at Queen Chrysalis incredulously.

A janitor whistled as he pushed his trolley of cleaning supplies through the castle prison. He came to Princess Cadence's jail cell.

"Oh, god damn it!" he yelled. "I just cleaned that cell!"

Princess Cadence cackled madly.

Things get meta

"Yeah, so I'm supposed to be doing this spin-off thing where I play a total monster," Conrad said, lounging on a comfy chair in the green room. "You know how this show is supposed to be a parody of Human in Equestria darkfics?"

Rainbow Dash nodded. Rarity was brushing Fluttershy's hair, Twilight was reading a book in another chair, and Applejack and Pinkie Pie were discussing something near the refreshment table.

"Well, the spin-off story is supposed to play it straight," Conrad continued. "Like, I'm this horrible monster with mind-controlling powers."

"What," Rainbow Dash asked sarcastically, "like all the other stories that do the exact same thing?"

Conrad shrugged and took a sip of his soda. "I didn't say it was great, but it pays the bills. Or it would," he added with annoyance, "if the author would ever write more than one damn chapter of the thing."

Applejack froze. "Oh no, you guys!" she yelled. "The camera's on!"

The room exploded into a frenzy of activity.

"Shit, shit, shit!" Conrad yelled, rushing around to gather up all his props.

"We were supposed to get at least a day of warning!" Rainbow Dash complained.

"Where are my wings?" Twilight yelled. "Have you seen my wings?!"

"Somebody get the makeup artist in here!" Rarity yelled. "I can't be seen like this!"

"Has anyone seen Gary?" Conrad yelled. "He's supposed to be in the next scene with me!"

"I think he's in the bathroom!" Twilight yelled.

"Ugh!" Conrad yelled in frustration. "Of all the times to take a leak!"

"Where's the makeup artist?" Rarity yelled.

"I think she's in the same bathroom!" Twilight yelled.

"Oh, that bitch!" Rainbow Dash yelled.

Pinkie Pie looked straight at you with a cheerful smile, seemingly unaffected by the chaos unfolding around her. "We're sorry," she said, "but we're experiencing a bit of technical difficulty. Please stand by."

Gary and Conrad pushed forward through a powerful snowstorm, the knee-high snow resisting their every step forward. Even with the finest cold-weather gear they could get, the cold winds tore at their bodies and chilled them to the bones.

"Wait, how the hell did we get here?" Conrad yelled to Gary as he pushed forward, step by arduous step.

"I don't know!" Gary replied. "Didn't you read the script?"

"No!" Conrad yelled. "My character would be too ditzy to read it!"

"What?!" Gary yelled. "That makes no sense! Your character is a ditz, but that doesn't mean you have to be!"

"It's called method acting, buttface!" Conrad responded maturely. "And I'm not the only person in this scene. Why don't you know what's going on?"

"I was... busy," Gary mumbled.

"Busy doing what? You were supposed to be rehearsing your lines with that makeup artist!"

"Well, you know how it is," Gary yelled. "She showed me her makeup artistry, I showed her my pickup artistry, and we made sweet, sweet music for the rest of the night."

Conrad made a disgusted face.

"Look, can we just force a scene change?" Gary yelled.

"Will that even work?" Conrad asked.

"It's work a shot! We just have to hope the author doesn't have any more scenes planned that involves us freezing our asses off out here in the cold!"

Later, in a surprisingly spacious well-heated cavern:

"I can't believe that worked," Conrad said fervently.

"Eh, the writer's a hack," Gary replied glibly. "Now, where are we?"

"Oh, thank heavens you're returned!" a female earth pony said. "Everybody, our summoned saviors have returned!"

Almost immediately a swarm of adorable mares emerged from doorways and clustered up around the two humans.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Gary yelled. "Hold up! Back off! Everybody just back off!"

The ponies stopped a few feet from Gary and Conrad, leaving a circular empty space with the two humans in the center of it. Beyond that was a sea of ponies. If Gary had to guess the number he'd ballpark it at a hundred and eight. Or possibly one thousand. The point was, there was a lot of them.

"Okay," Gary said, "before you all mob us, I just have one, very important question for all of you: does any pony have a copy of the script?"

A pony handed Gary a copy of the script from offscreen.

"Thank you. Now, let's see where we are." Then Gary did a double-take at the title. "'Machinations in the Dark 2: Machinate Harder'?! What the fuck?!"

Gary stared at the script, then sighed and tossed it over his shoulder, where it smacked Conrad in the forehead.

"Fuck it," Gary said deadpan, "we'll do this improv."

One of the mares could stand it no longer and yelled, "Have you brought us the supplies?"

This was followed by a chorus of mares demanding supplies. The mares slowly started advancing on the brothers.

Gary edged backwards and bumped into Conrad. "Conrad," Gary said nervously, "I hope you have something, because I have no idea how to handle this."

Conrad looked over his shoulder at the bag he had been carrying the entire time.

"Huh," he said. "So that's what's in this bag. I had kind of wondered."

Gary facepalmed. "Give me that!" he yelled and grabbed the bag from Conrad.

"Ponies of Equestria!" he yelled, holding the bag up high. "We have your supplies!"

A terrible, avaricious gleam occurred simultaneously in the eyes of each and every mare there. Gary, being the center of attention of hundreds of mares, suddenly realized that this was not the smartest thing he'd ever done. He turned to Conrad for support, but Conrad had managed to escape from the mob while their attention was on Gary.

"You're doing great!" Conrad yelled as he rapidly retreated. "Keep up the good work!"

"Oh, that son of a-"

"GET HIM!"

Author's Note

I'll be honest, I have no idea what's going to happen next. I had a partially-gelled plot where Brave Heart gets doused with ash and mistaken for King Sombra, but it wasn't really going anywhere. So instead, you get this. Enjoy!

Hi!

Celestia stared up at the horrible monstrosity. Standing on two legs, the tall freak of nature loomed over every pony. Even Celestia herself only came up to its shoulders. Its arms and legs were both shackled to the dungeon wall, restricting its movement to the several yards of slack it had. Standing behind Celestia just inside the jail cell were two trained guards, both standing sharply at attention.

When this foul creature had first arrived in Equestria, it had incited riots, pandemonium, and destruction. Houses had been burnt to the ground, ponies fought each other verbally and physically, and chaos and panic reigned supreme.

Conrad "Anonymous" Faust stepped onto the main road and addressed the nearest pony he saw. "It's a pleasant day we have here today, don't you think?"

"OH GOD, WHAT IS IT?! AAAAAUUUGGGGHHHH!"

The pony ran away from Conrad in terror, yelling non-stop. Conrad shrugged and walked on.

"The sad part is," Conrad said to himself, "that's not even the worst reaction I've gotten."

It had taken Celestia several weeks to follow the trail of chaos and destruction that followed in the creature's wake. Finally she found the monster deep in the Verdant Groves. The confrontation was epic, pitting Celestia, the paragon of purity and order, against this travelling nexus of evil and destruction. It had taken hours- no, days! It had taken days of fighting, but eventually Celestia's superior strength of magic and resolve overcame the monster's defenses and she managed to bind him with arcane magics from the beginning of time itself.

"CEASE AND DESIST, FOUL CREATURE!"

"Okay."

"Quickly, while he's distracted! Get him!"

Four armed guards jumped out of the shrubberies and tied Conrad up in a matter of seconds, binding him from head to foot in ropes.

"Huzzah!" Celestia cried, and the guards celebrated with her.

Ever since that epic encounter, the monster had been housed in the deepest, darkest jail cell in all of Canterlot. For the last century and a half he was kept prisoner there, his very existence a state secret that almost no pony knew about.

Celestia stood inside the jail cell with this... human, scrutinizing it carefully. Its bland smile revealed nothing of what dark, terrible secrets took place beneath his twisted facade. It was truly a savage monster.

And yet, Celestia had to know. Three times, the monster had predicted future events. The most recent of these, The Cake Incident*, still weighed heavily on her mind.

*The castle baker forgot to make her weekly cake. This occurred over a year ago and Celestia was still traumatized. Fortunately, her alicorn constitution allowed her to shake off mental traumas that would have crippled a lesser mind.

Celestia was the ruler of the entire country. She absolutely could not afford to let her ponies suffer under her watch. She would take any advantage she could get, even if it meant dealing with this demon. And yet, what traps did he lay with his honeyed words? What vile web was he weaving, to trap an unwary ruler into her own downfall?

"Hi," Conrad said cheerfully.

"You monster!" she snarled. "You know why I'm here! What do you want from me this time? Speak! What horrible payment shall you demand in exchange for your poisoned knowledge?"

"Oh gosh, I don't know," Conrad said. "Maybe some toys to play with, or something? I mean, I don't really need them because I've come up with this great game where I pretend that the bricks in the walls are platforms seen from the side, and then I imagine a little man running across them and jumping over them, like a tiny Mario, but it would be nice if I had some props or something to play with."

Celestia turned away in agony. Of course he would play on my sympathies, making himself seem weak and vulnerable. Stay strong, Celestia! He's just playing you for a fool.

Celestia turned back towards Conrad. "I will see what I can do," she said. "Now, tell me of the future."

"Oh, the future? Well, I guess you might... um... trip... and hurt yourself if you don't watch where you go. That happened to my Aunt Bernice one time. She wasn't looking where she was going and took a nasty spill. I was afraid something bad happened to her, but she just put some ice on it and was mostly okay. Of course, she was later eaten by a bear, but I'm pretty sure the two events were unrelated."

Celestia drew a breath in sharply.

"Tell me," she said, "does this also apply to castle stairways? Is it possible that I could hurt myself on that one stair that always wobbles when I step on it on the fourth floor of the north tower?

"Well, yeah. I guess it could. Especially if you aren't paying attention where you go."

Celestia fell to her knees. "I knew it!" she cried. "Oh cursed stair, your hour of triumph is at hand!"

Conrad shrugged. "It really shouldn't be a big deal, especially if you pay attention to where you step."

Celestia didn't hear him, lost in her own thoughts of future catastrophe.

After a while, Conrad started singing musical tones to keep himself occupied.

"Doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo."

"Doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo."

And then, in a lower tone,

"Doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo."

"Doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo."

"Deedly dum, dun, dun, bum, bum, bum, bum-biddly-iddly bum, bum-bum-bum-bum-bum."

"CEASE YOUR INFERNAL MUSIC!" Celestia screamed, jumping to her hooves. "You won't be able to take control of my mind like that! I am immune to your unearthly powers of mind-bending!"

"Okay," Conrad said.

"Leave this room! Leave it at once and never bother me again!" Celestia yelled, having temporarily forgotten that he was supposed to be her prisoner.

"Okay."

Conrad yanked at the chains binding him to the wall, shattering them effortlessly. Celestia and her two guards stared at Conrad in shock and horror.

"Code Red!" yelled one of the guards. "Code Red! The prisoner is loose!"

Celestia sprang out of the cell, followed shortly by the guard that had called the code red. The other guard stood staring at Conrad, his jaw moving up and down in mute horror.

There was the sound of a grinding lever, followed by the doonk-doonk-doonk-doonk of gears turning and chains slowly moving. A large metal wall was being lowered into place. The remaining guard sprinted to get to the slowly-lowering door, but tripped over his own hooves and landed short of the gate.

"Noooooooooo!" he yelled. "Don't leave me in here with this monster!"

The metal wall still had several feet left of clearance, and the guard could easily have gotten up and jumped through the portal to safety, but for some reason he didn't do this. Instead, he started bawling.

"Please don't!" he yelled between sobs. "I have a wife and three kids!"

A voice from the other side yelled in response, "Really?"

"Well, no. But I could have one if I survive, and to do that you can't leave me in here! He'll eat me! I just know he will!"

"I won't!" Conrad said.

"He'll grind my bones to make his bread! Please!"

"I don't do that," Conrad insisted.

"I'm sorry mate, but it's no use. Code Red had been called, and that means total lockdown. I'm sorry, mate. I truly am."

"Noooooooooo!"

The door still had about three feet of clearance.

"Nooooooooooo!"

doonk-doonk-doonk-doonk-SLAM!

The wall slammed shut, trapping the guard inside. The guard froze, then slowly turned to face Conrad, horror writ large upon the guard's face.

"Hello," Conrad said happily. "I normally spend time in here by myself, but would you like to play with me?"

The guard shrieked, turned around, and ran away from Conrad. Unfortunately he forgot he was facing a large metal wall, ran face-first into it, and knocked himself out.

"Okay, we'll play later."

...

"Doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo."

Author's Note

This got way more popular than I thought it would, so I've decided to continue the story. The first chapter is the only one that will be a direct parody. The subsequent chapters will follow Conrad "Anonymous" Faust as he blunders around Equestria.

Discord and his gentle friend.

A pony approached Conrad, lying on the ground, clutching his bruised gonads. That is to say, Conrad was clutching his own testicles. The pony was certainly not touching Conrad's testicles. That would have been a highly inappropriate thing for a stranger to do, unless this was one of those clop fanfictions where the plot doesn't really matter, in which case one person might say something like, "Hello, stranger! I will touch your gonads now!" and the other person might say, "I see nothing wrong with this!" This is not one of those stories. Not that there's anything inherently wrong with clop, I just-

Oh, right. The story.

Let's try this again.

Conrad lay on the ground, writhing in agony.

"Oh dear," said a pony as she approached him. "You have had a rough time here, haven't you? Well, don't worry. I'll take you to my place, and you can rest there until you feel better."

With that she picked him up and carried him off.

"I just hope Discord doesn't mind the company."

Conrad opened his eyes. He was in some pony's bedroom, lying under the covers. He tried moving, but his bruised and battered body screamed in protest at him. The first thing he noticed was a pony with a light coat and a pink mane.

"Oh, I hope you weren't hurt too badly," she said. "Rainbow Dash means well, but she can be a little over-enthusiastic."

A draconequus in the room scoffed. "Oh, please," he said. "You know as well as I do that the pony is a maniac."

"She means well," the pony said insistently.

"Whatever. I have half a mind to pretend to be evil again."

"No!" she cried. "You remember how much trouble you got in the last time you did that?"

"Well I wouldn't have had to do it in the first place if you ponies didn't always jump to conclusions about me! 'Oh, Discord summoned some chocolate rain! He must mean to overthrow the ruling monarchy and replace it with chaos and anarchy!'"

Conrad nodded. "That does seem to be about right for ponies," he said.

"And what about you?" Discord asked Conrad. "Aren't you going to say anything about me? Hmm? Perhaps you would like to assume that I'm mind-controlling you, instead of accepting responsibility for your own stupidity?"

Conrad shook his head. "Nope. I'm pretty sure that my stupid actions are mostly my own fault. It doesn't help that everybody here jumps to conclusions about me, but at the end of the day I'm responsible for my own actions."

The draconequus's jaw hit the ground. Then he started laughing. "Oh man, I love this guy!"

"Okay, so I'm playing around with Luna," Discord said, "and Celestia comes along. Now bear in mind that we were all children at the time, and I hadn't yet figured out how irrational ponies could be. Luna's pretty good about it, but Celestia could not take a joke if I tied one to her hooves. So Luna says, 'I will make all of night last forever! You may call me... Nightmare Moon!' and I magic up some glowing rocks and run up to Celestia... remember, we were only fillies at the time, I run up to Celestia and toss her the glowing rocks, and I say, 'Celestia! You must use the power of the Elements of Harmony to cleanse your sister of the wicked darkness that has corrupted her!' So Celestia charges up her magic and tries to channel it straight through the rock! Now crystals can channel magical energy, but your average sandstone or granite will just blow up in your face. Which is exactly what happens to Celestia. Luna falls backwards like she's been struck down, and I say to Celestia, as solemnly as I can, 'Congratulations, Celestia. You have purified your sister. But now you can never use the Elements of Harmony again.' Meanwhile, poor Luna behind me is trying not to crack up!"

Conrad laughed with the two other creatures.

"I gotta say, Discord, it feels really good to finally have somebody to talk to about all of this."

Discord nodded. "I know what you mean. If I hadn't met miss Pinkamena Diane Pie, I probably would have-"

The pony lightly punched Discord on the shoulder. "You know I hate that name," she said. "It's just a stupid joke I made that one time, and now no pony will believe that my real name is just 'Pinkie Pie'".

"Wait, you're Pinkie Pie?" Conrad asked.

Pinkie nodded.

Conrad frowned slightly. "That's weird," he said, "I totally thought you were some other pony."

All three creatures stared at each other in confusion.

"Oh, well," Conrad said. "I guess it really isn't important. So tell me more about the panicky ponies!"

Discord mused. "Hmmm. Which one, which one..."

"Oh, I know!" yelled Pinkie Pie. "Tell him the one about your petrification!"

Discord cackled madly. "Oh yeah, I love that one. First I've gotta give you some backstory. As a draconequus I have a small arsenal of mostly-useless magic at my disposal. One day I get a craving for something sweet, so I summon some cotton candy and chocolate milk. Only this pony wasn't looking where he was going and bumps into me, making me to drop my food. It lands on his face, and he starts yelling something about the sky falling and such. He gets a good look at me, and I know where this is going, so I lean in and go, 'boo!' He freaks out, and by the time he gets to the guards he's convinced himself that I'm casting chaos magic that rearranges the very face of the earth.

"So now, according to the ponies, up is down, birds dig through the ground, the sun and the moon switch places every second, and my minor spill of cotton candy and chocolate milk have become a sky full of cotton candy and storms of chocolate rain.

"Celestia comes after me, and I have to think fast. I hire a craftspony to carve a statue of me, then place it in the center of the castle courtyard. I start a very loud rumor that Celestia defeated me with the Elements of Harmony and turned me to stone. And she buys it! Hook, line, and sinker! She didn't remember fighting me or turning me into stone, but if every pony is telling her how wonderful she is for having done it, then obviously she must have done it!"

Discord giggled madly, and Conrad and Pinkie laughed along.

"Wait, wait, wait," Conrad said. "How on earth did you buy a statue and start a rumor looking, well, like that?" Conrad gestured to Discord's entire body.

Discord chuckled. "Well, you see, I didn't look exactly like that. I looked..."

Discord put a flimsy, paper-mache pony mask over his head.

"...like this!"

Conrad howled with laughter.

"Oh my God," he said. "Ponies are idiots!"

Then he realized who was in the room with him and froze.

"Er, present company excluded, of course," he said to Pinkie Pie.

Pinkie sighed. "No, you're right," she said. "Most ponies are idiots."

Pinkie's resignation set Conrad off again and he and Discord laughed for a long time.

"Oh, wow," Conrad said when he'd finally calmed down. "I needed that."

There was a knock at the bedroom door.

"Pinkie? Are you okay in there? I'm coming in."

Conrad said, "Oh, sh-"

Mrs. Cake entered Pinkie Pie's room and saw three perfectly normal ponies.

"Oh goodness, who are your friends?" Mrs. Cake asked.

Pinkie replied, "Oh, um... this is..."

"Brave Heart."

"Brave Heart, and this is my other friend..."

"Cord-Dis."

Mrs. Cake looked skeptically at the two. There was something off about this situation, something she just couldn't place...

"Cord-Dis?" she asked.

"It's French," the pony replied.

She looked Pinkie's friends over and the feeling of wrongness intensified.

"Well," she said uncertainly, "I'll just let you two have your fun in here. Dinner's ready, Pinkie. Let me know if your friends want some."

"Okay, Mrs. Cake," Pinkie said.

Mrs. Cake walked to the door and was about to leave, when suddenly everything clicked for her. That was it! That was what was bugging her! That was what was wrong with this situation!

Mrs. Cake jumped back into the room and pointed with her hoof. Every pony flinched away from her.

"I know what's wrong here!" she yelled. "That painting frame is crooked!"

She reached over and straightened it.

"There we go. Much better."

And with that she left, satisfied that everything was perfectly okay.