June 18, 1027 ANM
Mother gave me this to help me express my feelings. I don't know if I'll be able to. I never have been. Mother says that keeping it all inside isn't good for me. I believe her. It's just hard to do other wise.
Yesterday was my tenth birthday. I don't really know what else to say. Nothing exciting happened. School starts in another two and a half months. I don't think I will write here until then. If then. Maybe.
~Apple Crisp
September 27, 1027 ANM
I can't help but feel sad. School everyday is like torture. I'm never noticed. Ever. I see the other fillies and colts running around playing and talking with their friends. I've never had a real friend. Nopony wants to be friends with somepony who can't talk. They don't know how lucky they are. I would give anything to be able to speak; to join them; to finally be noticed. But that's impossible. I don't quite know why I'm mute. It never came up between me and Mother. I do know that it can't be cured. I'm doomed to silence for the rest of my life.
~Apple Crisp
February 28, 1028 ANM
Mother caught me crying again today. Somehow, she always knows how to make me feel better. I wish I could make her happier.
She told me about Father again. I wish I could've known him. But that also an impossibility. He died before I was born. Mother tells me about him though. She says that she knew him when they were both foals. My mother as a foal. Now there's a strange idea. I can't picture her as a filly. Though I supposed she must have been at one point.
I wonder what happened to make her this sad. Was it Father's death or something else? Maybe it was Uncle Bloomburg's death? Maybe she was always like this? She tries to hide it but I can tell. She's hurt, deep down. I only wish I knew how to help her.
~Apple Crisp
June 17, 1028 ANM
I'm now officially eleven. Mother seems sadder than normal today. I wonder why.
~Apple Crisp
June 18, 1028 ANM
I asked her. She told me that she'd tell me when I'm older. I can't help but be curious. I've heard enough stories from Aunt Applejack to know I get that trait from my Mother.
~Apple Crisp
November 2, 1028 ANM
Autumn harvest is finally finishing. Everypony's so happy. I'm getting depressed again. For some reason, when other ponies are around me they'll start using gestures. Just because I mute doesn't mean I'm deaf too. Even little Apple Butter does it sometimes, and I know perfectly well that he can talk.
Speaking of which I forgot to record that in February, Aunt Applejack and Uncle Jiffy had a son, whom they named Apple Butter. He's real cute, but has somehow acquired the habit of tossing rocks at ponies. I regret nothing.
~Apple Crisp
May 21, 1029 ANM
I'm being ignored again. The only one who ever really notices me is mother. It's as if I'm a piece of furniture or something. Mother encourages me as best she can. She knows how I'm hurting and tells me to try and be strong. I try. If only for her sake.
~Apple Crisp
January 16, 1030 ANM
I finally persuaded Mother to tell me why she was sad on my birthday.
Apparently, twins run in the family. Mine didn't even live for one hour. I asked Mother what he looked like anyway. She said he was yellow, like her, with Father's mane and eyes. She also said, when pressed that she had named him Bloomburg.
No one else in the family or out of it knows except Mother's friend Sweetie Belle. She said I deserved to now though.
Good night, Bloomburg.
~Apple Crisp
March 5, 1030 ANM
I still don't have my cutie mark. I want it badly. I am almost thirteen after all. Mother says that this is a stage all young fillies go through. After some thought I'm inclined to believe her.
~Apple Crisp
September 15, 1030 ANM
I'm being ignored yet again. I'm lonely. The only pony who cares about me is Mother. I continue getting straight A's in school. I wonder if Aunt Cheerilee even knows that it's my work she's grading. Does she know I go to the school she teaches?
Nopony ever talks to me. They must think it's too awkward or something.
I'm starved for attention.
~Apple Crisp
October 12, 1039 ANM
I started a food fight at dinner tonight. I'm somewhat appalled at myself, but it made the others notice me. It also earned me my cutie mark.
Snickers said that she thought it meant that I was good at throwing pie. Mother later said she though that it represented how I'm like sugar and spice. Sweet, humble and a bit sassy. I like her explanation better. I wonder how life would be different of Bloomburg was still alive.
~Apple Crisp
August 17, 1032 ANM
I'm fifteen. Rose Apple's fourteen. Yet, I see her fawning over Sable. I don't think I'm going to ever find some colt who would love me like that. Nopony even wants to associate with a mute pony. Certainly not marry one. Mother try's to reassure me that I'll find somepony eventually and that I'm still very young. Though the latter of her word are true, in my mind the former are hollow.
~Apple Crisp
July 7, 1034 ANM
I'm officially done with school now. Which is good, because I can barely walk around town without bursting into tears. Everypony takes the fact that they can talk for granted. They don't know how lucky they are. Even the sound of a bird makes me sad. And I can't bear to listen to anypony sing.
Mother's voice doesn't bother me though. Should it?
Mother says I have to be strong. She always says that. I'll continue trying no matter how hard it may be.
~Apple Crisp
June 30, 1037 ANM
Aunt Applejack, Apple Butter, and his new sister, Apple Slice, have come back from Manehatten. I think Mother's glad to have Aunt Applejack around again. Even though she's the one who sent her away.
Apple Slice is so cute! But that's where the similarities between her and her brother stop.
I wish my brother was with me. Why does there have to be so much death? First Father, then Bloomburg, and then Uncle Bloomburg. I hope Mother doesn't even die. Then I'd be all alone. Unable to communicate with the rest of the world.
~Apple Crisp
