Celestia Shorts

by a guy with many hats

Rating: mature
Tags: Princess Luna, Original Character, Comedy, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Sex, Human, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 18970

Collection of short stories with Celestia and Able

Collection of short stories with Celestia and Able

Part of Equestrium

Published 2015-03-14 04:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-04-18 06:39:54 UTC

Celestia Invades Someone's Personal Space

"I don't know. I guess." I picked at my teeth with a knife. "I think your subjects still hate me. Bunch of fucks." I stabbed the knife into my desk. "You have a toothpick or something? A straw? I feel like an asshole doing it with a knife."

Celestia shook her head and looked around my office. "I give you a room and this is what you do to it." She took a deep breath and levitated a magazine off my couch. "Looking at mares?" She looked through the magazine a bit and walked to my desk. "Hmm. I must admit those do look good. The little socks without hoof coverings--"

I spun around in my chair. "Leg warmers."

"Yes, those." She set my magazine down and looked around. "Hmm. This reminds me of Parks."

I shrugged. "Who?"

"Second marriage, three foals, two daughters one son dead upon a miscarriage. Several thousand years ago...." She sighed and stretched her neck. "Some ponies you just remember." She sighed heavily and looked me over. "You actually remind me a lot of Parks. You were both vulgar as a stuck pig."

I shrugged. "Sounds like an asshole."

Celestia turned to me and cocked her head. "Really--"

"Yes really. I'm not saying it like it's a good thing either! I know its a bad thing, but its a hard habit to break." I picked at my teeth and leaned back into my chair. "Like you and the bug thing--"

"I don't like them, Able! You don't like lizards--"

"I fucking hate lizards." I leaned forward in my chair. "But you were freaking the hell out when that tick--"

Celestia stamped her hoof. "I don't like bugs, Able! That tick was just...right on my tail and it was disgusting and gross and I didn't like it!" She turned her head up. "I've been covered in one of my soldier's entrails, bugs will always be worse." She shivered hard and flung her wings out. She knocked a cup of pencils onto the floor as she swung away. "Not that watching my ponies liquify is a good thing...."

I picked up my pens and set them back down. "Alright." I crossed my arms and looked back to her. "So, you're begging me to ask about this Parks guy, right?"

Celestia tucked her wings back and turned to me. "Able...you just really remind me of him."

"Well, you married him." I shrugged. "You seem to like people you try to fix."

Celestia rolled her eyes. "I do not--"

I pointed to myself. "Seriously? Then why me?"

Celestia took a deep breath. "You're physically appealing, and I think I can hel-- Damn!" She grew a bit pink. "No, but I feel like we've both been through some rather difficult, if not similar, times. And worst comes to worst, I wait you out ninety years then move on."

I leaned back in my chair. "Wow, seriously?"

Celestia nodded. "I've only had to do it once. It was a political marriage, and he never touched me...." She grumbled to herself. "We was a massive homosexual...."

"Ah, that'll do it." I let out a long yawn. "Still though, you've done the whole dream thing, and the not trying to kill me thing...and the talking thing...and the hugs....." I rubbed my arm. "You've done a lot for me, but I don't get why."

Celestia walked up and bopped me on the head with her chin. "Because I care. And I want to see my subjects happy."

I stared at her. "Seriously, cut the shit."

Celestia sighed. "Because you're going to head down a road I walked a long time ago, and I don't want to see you head down that road. Because I've seen you try to apologize, and its honestly one of the sweetest, most awkwardly cute things I've ever seen." She nodded curtly. "You stole flowers at midnight and delivered them first-hoof to Rarity's room. You tried to give her one of my vases because you made her cry." She nuzzled my head. "Able, you're not a bad person, you're just dumb."

I felt my cheeks burn. "Don't ever say any of that in public."

"Oh Twilight knows." Celestia rolled her eyes and hopped up onto my couch. "Rarity knows, Luna knows, everypony knows what I think." She smiled at me. "Seems like you're the last to figure it out. And oh my, are you red."

I rubbed my cheeks and shook my head. "Hey, how about you eat a dick?"

Celestia shook her head. "Pants off lover, pants off."

I cringed back and crossed my legs. "That's...a joke right--"

"We're in your office." She smiled and yanked the cord on my blinds. The room went dark as she stared at me. "I could strip you down and lick you all over until you cum in my mouth. I could treat you like a toy. I could tie your hands and blindfold you while I gently lick you to climax."

I scooted my chair away from her. "Jesus...."

"Does this make you uncomfortable?" Celestia stepped off my couch. "A little dominance from a mare and you blush? Did you blush when you went to war? Did you blush while your commanders bent you over and rammed you full--"

"What the fuck man?!" I stared at the white mare slowly sneaking up to me. "Seriously, that's like...fucked up!"

Celestia straightened out and fixed her tiara. "Oh you haven't seen the stories Twilight wrote, have you?"

I uncrossed my legs. "What stories?! What the hell!?"

Celestia started giggling. "Oh yes, she's been writing some rather vulgar stories recently, one was about you and the envoy from Canada." Celestia giggled to herself. "I think she likes your kind, or maybe its you--"

"The twink from Toronto?!" I shook my head. "I'm gonna have to talk to her about that." I crossed my arms. "Why me though?"

Celestia shook her head. "You're just the most aggressive one she knows, so she bases her dom characters off of you."

I felt my skin creep. "Eugh...I really don't like that."

Celestia laughed. "Oh its great fun. She's getting rather good." She smiled. "The last one she sent was one of a human named Zee and a mare named Twinkle Shine." Celestia laughed gently. "She's writing porn of herself, and to be honest its a rather good read." She turned to the door. "It reminds me of The Lusty Barmaid, from back when I was a filly."

I shrugged. "No idea what that is."

Celestia turned back to me. "She's writing a character that's basically her, getting serviced, rather roughly in the last one, by males." She smiled and nodded. "She accidentally sent me the wrong letter and there was just a cock on the page." She smiled and shook her head. "I'm not even sure whos it was. It was just a meaty pony dick on a scroll, and the next one was, Can I have that back? Sorry I didn't mean to send that." She giggled into her hoof. "I kept it."

"Ow, my pride."

Celestia rolled her head. "Well would you rather I just strip you off and help myself whenever the thought struck me?" Celestia cocked her head. "No? Then don't complain. I'm certainly not complaining about this." She walked back over to me and poked the magazine with her hoof. "Although, those mares are much too small. I should get you a Fetlock magazine, those mares are about my size."

I shrugged. "I never really think about women getting horny, okay? I was always too busy trying not to get my balls shot off." I tapped my foot on the floor. "And I don't need porn. I was just bored and--"

"Did you masturbate to it?"

I bit my tongue. "Yes, sort of."

Celestia smiled at me. "Oh?"

I shook my head. "Look, its not a big deal for men. Women its like this whole big deal and you gotta wash up after. A man, you just grip and go, wash your hands after and you're--"

Celestia blushed and looked down at my groin. "Have you ever autofellated yourself?"

"Whowhat the fuck?" I put my hands on my head. "What?"

Celestia smiled lewdly. "Have you ever given yourself a blowjob? I know its something some stallions can do."

"Umm, no. Humans cant do that." I crossed my legs again and looked to my window, the sole source of light for the light-grey room. "Why are you in here?"

"Because we were talking." Celestia sat down and levitated my boots next to each other. "I don't think I've ever been in here since I gave you this room. Its like a little look into your brain. Your messy, sweaty, cluttered brain." She sniffed the air and scrunched up her lips. "Smells like stallion in here."

I shrugged. "I haven't taken my laundry out. Probably that. Or the jacket." I rubbed my arms. "Are you feeling--"

"I'm thinking about cock now." She laughed to herself. "I think I'm going to find that picture."

I put my hands up. "I'm right here."

"Yes, but you're busy, and I can't let you try and be dominant after seeing you blush like that." She giggled and flicked her tail at me. "Actually, wait here, I'm going to go get that picture, you wait here and I'll be right back."

I held my hands up. "Why do I want to look at dick!? Go fuck yourself! Like, go jam a dildo in yourself until you're not as bothered!" I crossed my arms and rubbed my face. "Christ its hot in here." I took a deep breath, I grew a bit hotter at the sharp upturn to my voice. "Christ...." I rubbed my eyes and tapped my foot on the ground. "I don't blush--"

"You're still blushing sir." A guard walked in and dropped off a letter on my desk. "What happened?"

I took a deep breath. "I don't know. I need to get a lock on that door."

The guard flicked his tail. "Did you actually steal flowers at midnight?"

"Eh, kinda."

The guard snorted. "That is kinda sweet--"

"Twelve laps or I'm going to have your rations reduced."

"Damn...."

Celestia Has a Legitimate Question

I sat in my office going through some guard applicants. "Celestia...are we taking griffons?" I shifted to a picture of a blue feathered griffon with a missing feather centered on his head. "Celestia--"

"Why's this one a different color?" Celestia walked over with a folder. "Able, why is this one a different color?"

I looked back at her. "What? Its just a folder--"

"No, the human." She levitated the file over my head and held it for me. "This human is dark--"

"Oh my god--" I broke out laughing and slammed my head on my desk. "Oh my god! Ah-ha!" I clutched my chest as I started to heave. "Jesus--Christ--tehee." I tried to keep from laughing. "Ooooooh fuck!" I slapped my desk and pushed away from the desk. "Celestia-- Oh my god, it's a black guy!" I held my face in my right hand and my ribs in my left. "Celestia...oh my god...."

Celestia cocked her head. "What? What's wrong?"

I took a deep breath and leaned back in my chair. "Celestia...it's just a black guy-- No, that's not even a black guy." I picked up the file and flipped through it. "Nope, he's an American black." I closed the file and tossed it onto my desk. "Man...I used to know a guy from Montreal, he was from Mali or something like that. Maybe Algeria." I scratched my head. "Oh man! He was eighty! If it's-- Oh wow, he'd be...oh man, he'd be ten right now." I rubbed my chin. "Hmm. A lot of older people I knew were born around the millennia. I bet I could go find them." I shrugged. "Food for thought I guess." I rubbed my eyes. "Oh man, but did you really not know what a black was?"

Celestia cocked her head. "I've seen them. I've just never really asked. I've seen ambassadors and such but I never asked why they were different."

I coughed into my wrist. "Wow. Uh, I think its something to do with the sun. Like, the more desertish it is, the darker skin you get.... Something like that, I'm not a DNA doctor." I rubbed the back of my neck. "Probably doesn't help you dropped down in Newfoundland, whitest place on earth." I turned back to my desk. "Oh man.... Celestia, why didn't you ask me sooner?"

Celestia cocked her head. "I didn't think it was that huge a deal--"

"Well...I mean, I'm not a big fan of the French. But they're not really a color." I rubbed the back of my neck. "Still a bunch of cheesy bastard shits."

Celestia scratched her head. "I feel a bit bad now. Did I do something wrong?"

I laughed softly. "Oh no...no...." I stood up and turned to her. I held my arms out and wrapped her up in a soft hug. "Oh no...it's okay." I ran my hands through her mane and held her. "You're just racist...it's okay...it's okay. Shhh."

Celestia huffed. "You're an ass."

I nodded. "I know. Oh man, I guess I should show you my files." I let go of her and went back to my desk. "We got all sorts of shades of brown and red...and yellow." I flipped through my files. "I don't know, we got colors." I found my file with a young woman from Sri Lanka. "Here, look at this one."

Celestia leaned over my shoulder. "Hmm...." She looked at me. "So...it has to do with heat. So you're a snowpony?"

I took a deep breath and closed up my file. "I am an ice human." I turned to face Celestia. "What about you?"

Celestia looked down at herself. "I don't know. I suppose I could make a spell and we could find out." She stamped her hoof. "But really, did I do something bad?"

"Did you call a black guy a nigger?"

Celestia shook her head.

"Call an Asian a chink?"

She shook her head again.

"Called a native a savage?"

She shook her head yet again.

"Then you're fine." I spun back around to my desk. "Now, are we hiring griffons or not?"

Celestia Finds a Flashbang

I growled as Celestia looked around my office. The mare inside had thrown up a shield over the door and left me to watch as she looked through my things. "Bitch! Stop it!" I slammed my hands against the magical door. "Stop!"

Celestia stuck her tongue out to me and went back to raiding my footlocker. She laughed to herself and pulled out a magazine. She walked up to the doorway and pressed it against the yellow wall. It was a dirty mag with some ponies. She laughed to herself and looked through the pictures.

"I'm gonna fucking stab you!" I kicked the wall and bounced back. "It's my stuff god damn it!"

Celestia flicked her tail and went back to my footlocker. I watched with the heaviest glare I could. She tossed my boots across the room, a pack of condoms, ammunition. She just wouldn't stop going through my things and tossing them around my office. "Celestia I'm going to fucking put my dick up your ass!" I kicked the wall again and bounced back. "Stop it!"

Celestia giggle and kept looking. She wiggled her ass and pulled out a small cylinder. I shut up immediately and went bolt stiff as she looked it over. Holy fuck that's a flashbang.

I watched as she walked over to the doorway and levitated it out before us. She spotted the pin. I started waving my arms like mad. "Don't! Celestia don't!"

Celestia looked up to me with a smile. "What is it?"

"Don't!" I could see her magic starting to grip the pin. "Celestia, don't!"

Celestia shook her head hard. "Party favor?" She smiled wide and pointed the grenade at me. I backed up and covered my ears.

"Holy shit!" She yanked the pin and turned away. I hit the deck and covered my head. The bang was instantaneous and muffled by the magic doorway that was torn to shreds by the banger. "Oh my god!" I hopped up and ran back into my office. The grenade was on fire and Celestia was splayed out on the floor. "Oh my god, you idiot!" I started to laugh as I stomped out the grenade. "Celestia, what the fuck!?"

Her eyes were super dilated and she held her ears back as I moved over and cupped her chin. "What!?"

I hugged her head against me and swayed left and right. "Oooh no, Celestia...oh noooo." I pet her mane as she tried to flick the hearing back into her ears. "Oh my god.... It's a good fucking thing there aren't real ones in the castle!" I laughed softly and scratched the back of her head.

Celestia pushed back and started rubbing her ears with her hooves. "Able!? What was that!?"

I held my hands out to keep her steady. "Oh my god, banger banger banger!" I hugged her again and held her close. "Why'd you pull the pin?! Why'd you pull the dumb ass pin!?"

Celestia held her head and leaned against me. "Able...my head hurts."

I laughed softly and stepped back. "Oh baby...that was dumb." I put my arms around each set of legs and dipped my head under her stomach. I lifted her up in a firemen carry. "Up up!" I scooped her up and started off towards the doorway. "Dumb ass...."

Celestia's ears turned towards me. "Why would you keep that in your office?!"

"Uh...terrorist attack." I carried her out into the hall, now flooded with royal guards. One stepped up to me and looked up to me. "Uh...don't ask." I looked back to the doorway. "Can someone clean that up? I gotta go take this to bed."

The guard took his helmet off and set it down. "Um, what hap--"

Celestia looked down to guard. "What?"

I carried Celestia down the hall. "Don't worry. I got this...probably." Celestia sat slightly heavy on my back. "Pulled the pin" I laughed lightly and hurried down the hall. "Oh god...Celestia, gonna hug you later. Give you a teddybear you drooler." I snickered to myself and hurried away to Celestia's room.

"What?"

Another Chat

"So...." I put my hands together. "You got your ass kicked, that's what you're saying?" I couldn't help but laugh. "Celestia, I thought you could like...burn up the world in one angry fit if you wanted to."

Celestia scratched the floor with her hoof. "Okay...so maybe I wasn't all that awake that day, and maybe I didn't try enough, but I didn't get my ass kicked."

I spun around in my chair to face her. I took a breath and looked her up and down. "Heard some ponies died that day...."

Celestia nodded slowly. "The guard wasn't ready and I was incapacitated."

I grunted and turned back around. "I guess. You say that like its something bad." I ran my hand over my desk, the pits and cuts could be felt in each pass of my fingertips. "I mean, I know its bad. But if you did everything you could have...you...." I spun around. Celestia hadn't said a word. "You didn't did you?"

Celestia's frown stayed level. "It was a test for my student--"

I put my finger up. "At the cost of thirty lives?"

Celestia's frown leveled out lower than before. "That was a failing of the guard, not m--"

"Celestia...." I crossed my legs and stared at her. "...Either way, I don't think dwelling on it is going to do much." I spun back around to face forward. "I don't--"

Celestia walked up behind me. "Able, do you know anything about Equestrian religion?"

I rubbed my throat and turned to face her. "Not really. Generally consider myself a methodist myself."

Celestia let out a short huff. "Able...am I a bad pony?" He voice carried a deep concern away with her words. "Be honest."

"No--"

"You're lying." Celestia spun me around and looked me up and down. "Able, am I a bad pony?"

I stared her dead in her eyes. I watched as they grew glassier. "Do you do what you do out of neglect? Hate? Do you like hurting others?"

Celestia shook her head. "I don't mean--"

"Neglect can be criminal, but is it amoral, is it the nature of something evil to understand that some things need to happen for a greater good? At what point does the loss out weight the greater good?" I held my hands out. "Celestia...I've thought about this every day since Halifax. I think about what I could have done differently to save them. I think about the ways I could have done certain things or just left. Then I think about Quebec, Montreal, I think about the people I picked off the street and forced into the army." I rubbed my arm. "I think, god must hate me after all this. Then I look at now." I crossed my hands over my lap. "I have you, I have peace, I have something worth fighting for and I have someone to talk with that I never would have imagined." I rubbed my throat. "Celestia...I love you, but you're so fucking stupid some times."

Celestia sat down and shook her head. "Thank you Able...you always--"

"If god hated you. If you were a bad pony, a bad person, you'd be dead." I pointed to my chest. "If either of us was rotten at the core, if we hadn't done what we did out of the caring for others, we wouldn't have survived this long." I held my hand flat against my chest. "Celestia...if you were a bad pony, you wouldn't have a family that loved you, you wouldn't have a kingdom that looked to you with such reverence that statues are erected in your name by the ponies you raised." I stood up and walked over to Celestia. I put my arm around her neck and walked her to the window. "Those statues out there...they're not out of fear, and no one was forced to make them." I dug my fingers into her neck and scratched slightly. "Besides...I wouldn't be right here, right now, if I thought you were a bad person--pony." I kissed the side of her head. "I think you're human.... I mean, I think you make mistakes, and I think you feel empathy and regret when you do."

Celestia sighed and pushed against my head. "I suppose--"

I hugged her close and looked down as a few ponies wandered around the gardens. "I think its not so much our actions as our intent. I'm not condoning recklessness...but its a good world that fights each other over benevolent ideas." I took a deep breath and held her against my cheek. "Then again, I like telling myself its intentions. I don't know. For all I know when I die I might go straight to hell where I fucking belong--"

I felt something press against my cheek. "Don't say that. Unless you plan to meet me there, don't say that."

I turned to face her. "I don't think a god in existence could send you to any sort of punishment."

Celestia stared at me, unblinking even as a tear dripped down and off her muzzle. "Thank you Able." She pulled away from me and turned around. "...Not many ponies would tell me that. Most ponies wouldn't even think I'd need to hear it--"

I put my hands in my pocket. "Yeah, well you're a pussy...." I walked up beside her and ran my hand over her back. "...Sometimes you need someone to remind you of the simple things.... Even if they seem obvious."

Celestia nodded and took a deep breath. "Able...."

I stood by her side. "Yeah?"

Celestia didn't even flinch at the start or during. "I'm going to tie you down and fuck you until you die...."

I stared at her. "Whoa...kay...." I scratched my head. "...Uhhh--"

Celestia nodded with a stern look on her face. "I mean, probably won't actually kill you, but you'll probably be pretty out of it."

I cocked my head. "Is that a threat or...what are we talking about here?"

Celestia turned to face me. "No, not a threat. Remember, sometimes ponies need to be reminded of certain things?"

I rubbed my chest. "Uh.... Should I be worried?"

Celestia shook her head slowly. "No.... I'm going to tie you down, put a ball gag in your mouth, and nip and lick at you until you cum. From there I don't really know, but I thought I'd just give you a heads up."

I ran my hand across my throat. "Uh huh.... What brought--"

Celestia turned away. "Because you know what to say to make me want to ruin you, and make you moan until your voice is hoarse." She cleared her throat. "...I'm really just giving you a heads up at this point."

I scratched my head. "Philosophical arguments on the subject of morality and mortality get you hot?"

Celestia turned around and shook her head. Her usual more relaxed tone started to come back. "Oh no.... Somepony rubbing my side and saying they'll protect me does though."

I nodded slowly. "Hmm.... I don't think I ever said I was going to protect--"

Celestia rolled her eyes. "Ponies holding me close while telling me, assuring me, and being there for me when I'm worried...gets me hot."

I swallowed hard again. "Sure.... You--"

"Yes."

"Ah...." I walked over and sat back down. "So...was the morality talk part of this or--"

"No." Celestia shook her head. "Sometimes I really just need to hear somepony elses perspective on things...." She smiled at me, a warm, secretly evil smile. "Gives me warm fuzzies and makes me all calm."

I nodded. "Hmm, alright. Past few days feeling a little warm?"

Celestia laughed loudly. "Oh, you're noticing finally?"

I rubbed my face. "I knew...I just didn't want to say anything."

Celestia smiled and nodded. "Oh no, I really am going to tie you down and just make you cum in the most delicate way. I'm going to stop and let it go off on its own so you have to pant and moan hanging helplessly as your cum dribbles unsatisfyingly away, building up that pent up feeling until I finally decide--"

"Fucking Christ! Stop it!" I crossed my arms and hugged myself. "Jesus! Why!?"

Celestia flicked her tail. "Well...do something about it!" Celestia popped her tail up. "You're the stud!"

I rubbed my face. "Yeah...well.... It's still bullshit!" I held my face in my hands. "I'm a man, not some whore--"

Celestia nodded. "No. I don't share my bed partners."

"Go fuck yourself!" I pointed to the door of my office. "Seriously, go, fuck, yourself! Go buy a dildo and work it out!"

Celestia nodded. "Oh I plan to. With you hung up beside me like a little doll--"

"Fucking--"

Celestia started laughing. "At this point I'm just going to do it to make you angry." She let out a soft huff and looked me in the eyes. "Able...."

"What?!"

"Thank you."

I nodded. "Sure.... But you didn't really have to ask. You know what I'm going to say about you being a bad person."

She nodded slowly. "I know...and it makes me feel better hearing you, Luna, it makes me feel better hearing it said." She smiled wide. "Oh...and Able...."

"What?" I groaned angrily.

"I really am going to make you watch as I bite you to cumming." She flicked her tail at me. "I'm going to lick and tease until you start to cum, then let off and watch as your body follows through without any stimulation--"

"That's fucking evil!" I slammed my desk. "I fucking take it back! I fucking-- fuck you! You are a bad pony!"

Celestia leaned her head up. "Mmm I know.... I'll bring a paddle--"

"Fucking Ahh!" I threw my hands up. "This is bullshit! I'm not-- Fucking-- Fuck heat!" I looked through my guard files. Somehow sex started to become a bit worrying when I found a female with a high libido. "God damn...."

"I'm serious you know--"

I turned around to face her. "I fucking know! And its terrifying watching a full sized horse threaten my dick!" I crossed my legs. "God damn you're manly sometimes...." I made a heroic pose. "I'm Celestia and I'm gonna fuck you with my magical wonder vagina! Fucking god damn...."

Celestia smiled wickedly. "You haven't sworn this much in some times.... I'm starting to think you're nervous."

"Can you leave?" I pointed to the door. "Seriously! You keep coming in here while I'm trying to work!"

Celestia nodded. "Fine."

I spun around to face my files. "Three days of this shit...seriously emotional problems don't even--Mphhgh!?" My world went black as something enveloped my head.

Drunk

Author's Note

Drunk

I took a deep breath and stared down at the bottle. "...Fuck." I grabbed it and looked at the amber drink inside. I pulled the top off and took a swig.

***

I sat in one of Celestia's sitting rooms, near the mid point of the tower. I swirled the cold bourbon in my hand. I looked out at the vast expanse of Equestria, clear for miles and miles from my seat. "Able?" Celestia's voice peeked in.

I raised my glass. "Right here." I kept staring out over the vast green and blue of western Equestria. Towns and villages dotted the land, carving out the woods that held claim to the vast majority of the land. "Just sitting."

The clopping of her hooves drifted towards me. Each step was quiet compared to her usual lethargic plodding. "Able?"

I turned to look at her. She walked rigidly and she held her posture like she was talking to her student or one of her subjects. "Still me. And please...relax, right now isn't the time to be apprehensive."

Celestia walked to my side and looked down at me. She wore an extremely uneasy look, like something had just crawled inside her. "Where is he?"

I peeked at her. "Right here, just where I told you he'd be waiting." I took another drink to keep myself lucid. "I mean, we're here I suppose. I don't really count myself in the same boat as him."

Celestia's face slowly dripped down into a glare. She sparked her horn a few times. "You have ten seconds before I throw you out of this window--"

I raised my glass. "Then please, do." I coughed once. "Or maybe I should just fucking talk like this? Maybe that'll get it through your fucking head?" I stood up and faced her. Her bright magenta eyes opened wide as I stepped out from the seating and towards her. "I really don't like that you can recognize the swearing over my actual voice." I rubbed my head and tapped my foot. "His, voice I suppose."

Celestia returned to the worried look and nudged me with her nose. "Able, are you alright?"

I stepped back and looked to the seats. "Hmm, not exactly. But I think I'd rather sit and talk." I stepped back over one of the chairs and found mine. I sat down slowly and settled in watching the clouds drift over what looked like Trottingham. "Standing has its times, now is not one of them."

I watched as Celestia carefully stepped before the stool and set herself down on her haunches. She nestled in an flexed her wings once. "What happened? You called me down, I assumed--"

I set my drink down on the floor between us. "I got drunk." I pinched my nose and stared out as a few flashes of blue zipped across the sky.

Celestia tagged me with her wing. "I thought you didn't drink?"

I sighed heavily and rested my elbows on my knees. "I don't. And this is exactly why I don't. Why he doesn't." I rubbed my forehead with my fingertips. "Again, I don't really consider us the same person." I turned to take a quick glance at my mare, she still wore an uneasy frown, but her eyes had soften with worry over agitation. "Hmm, should I just say it? I never liked explaining things dead stop, but I suppose there's not really a better way."

Celestia's wing slid over my back. "What's wrong?"

I hummed and shook my head. "Fear, anxiety, drunkenness, um the inability of one man to convey his feelings rationally without the word fuck to diffuse the tension?" I clapped once. "Where should I start? I suppose at the drink." I picked up my glass and took another quick sip.

Celestia scooted her chair closer to me. "Are you alright? I've never seen you just sit quietly like this--"

"Able has some rather interesting chemistry going on in his brain." I tapped my temple with my index finger. "A mix of ruined genetics and head trauma makes him react strangely to alcohol." I rubbed my forehead. "Instead of making him dumb, instead of making him irrational, it has almost the exact opposite effect." I rubbed my forearm. "He turns into me, the person he wants to be." I turned to look at Celestia. "You don't believe me." I smiled at her, watching as her frown turned to a pout. "Well I wouldn't lie to you."

Celestia closed her mouth and took her wing away. "But.... If this is what he wants to be, then why not--"

"Because he's not an idiot." I sighed and turned back to the window. "He knows the more he drank, the more dependent he'd become, and the effects wouldn't remain. Soon enough he'd be living status quo drunk, and his sober life would be unbearable." I felt my hair stand on end, my scalp tingled slightly. "And we both know we wouldn't last long drinking as much as was required." I turned to Celestia again, her soft white face wrought with sympathy. "And to put it bluntly, he'd die." I turned away and shook my head. "And I personally think, he's afraid of me. He's afraid you'll like him better drunk, calm, content, and that he won't be able to keep it up. And that you might just realize how much better you are than him."

Celestia tapped me with her wing. "Able...I would never--"

I turned to her, swinging my legs around the chair. "Celestia...this is everything I should be." I patted my chest. "This, this is me calm, this is me kind, this is me with the ability to keep calm long enough to think out my words, and to speak with levity and tact!" I stood up and reached out, brushing her soft coat under my fingers. "Celestia, I don't think I could ever be like this normally." I squeezed her softly. "I don't think I could ever be what you deserve without drinking, and I can't really let that happen." I pulled her against me, she leaned her head into the back of my skull. "I can't let you fall in love with something unsustainable. Because within a year, he'd be gone."

Celestia wrapped her wings around me. "Able...how long?"

I squeezed her against me harder than before. She smelled of subtle sugar and tea hung from a drying rack. "Since we met." I let her go and slipped out from her wings. "And since we met, I've only been able to tell you half the ways I want to thank you. I've been forced to use the words of a man whos mind is an absolute mess of regret and anger." I rubbed her foreleg as I slipped back. "And I'm so sorry, for every time I swear at you, for every time I laugh at you, or yell at you." I pressed my hand against my chest. "From the bottom of my heart, I'm so sorry."

Celestia's eyes watered heavily, then dripped down a few tears as I stared at her. "For what? For treating me like a pony? For treating me like somepony that might understand? That just maybe, just maybe in a life I lived thousands of years ago, I went through the same thing?" Celestia stood up and walked to me. "When I walked in the ashes of an empire, you think I was eloquent? You think I was rational? I was scared, and I was sure that the next few moments that day would last for the rest of my life!" She bumped me back with her chest. "You should have told me."

I grunted quietly. "Then what?" I turned away towards the window. "What would have changed?" I held my hands up. "You know his intention, I can't change that. I can't change what I mean with every action." I turned to face her, she was staring straight ahead. "You know he loves you, with action if not word. But like this, maybe I could have done both." I rubbed my face.

Celestia shook her head. "I've dealt with so many ponies treating me like a god, and that's simply something I'm not." She shook her head and stared out into the vast green land waiting beyond the window. "Sometimes, it's good to have somepony remind you that you're just a mare, just a pony walking around and trying to make sense of it all just like everypony else."

I took a deep breath, then with a soft stream of air let it loose. "Then maybe this will only happen a few times, maybe it'll only happen once. But while I have the chance...." I walked next to Celestia and kissed her cheek. "I love you." I rubbed her cheek. "You've given me safety, you've given me a reason to fight, and no matter how you hurt me, or how you scorn me, I will always love you for what you've given me. And what you've taken from me, the need to fight everything, and the hate to block out the losses." I held her chest in my arms for a few seconds. "Thank you, my love."

GUARD

Author's Note

Gays
Usually
Allow
Riding
Dicks

GUARD

I sat in the guard showers, trying to ignore the stallions next to me pumping each others assholes. I felt my dick try to crawl back inside me as the one taking it moaned into the shower wall. The one giving it had the bottom pinned against the wall and was pressing himself against the bottom's back.

A small white unicorn walked over to me. "Sir?"

I shook my head. "No...."

The guard smiled and folded his ears back. "Sorry Sir." He grew a bit pink and walked towards the pair going at it.

I shifted to another shower and gave the pair some space. I watched as a mare guard walked up next to me. She shook her head and stood under me. "Yeah...I don't get it either." She bumped her hips up against my crotch. "I don't--"

"No." I ran my hands through my hair and shifted around the mare. "Stop touching me."

The mare backed up. "Still? You know it's guard tradition, right?"

"Banging in the showers can stay a fucking tradition then." I kept washing as the stallions to the right shifted up and the one that propositioned me started to get loaded up from both ends. "Jesus fucking Christ...."

The mare next to me looked up at me and shook her head. "It's just to keep clean. You get too pent up and it doesn't--"

"I have a wife!" I held my arms out. "I've got a hot wife! I've got a hot wife that I fuck!" I rubbed my head. "I've got a princess as a wife, that I fuck, that is hot, that-- Actually...she probably wouldn't care if I joined in, but still." I shook my head. "A, I'm not gay, and B, I promised her she was the one. And that shit matters to me!"

The guard mare cocked an eyebrow. "Hmm. So you just watch?"

I glared down at her. "...Moonshine?"

Her smile melted in seconds. "Sir I was jo--"

I turned to the group of stallions. "Boys, got a mare here! Needs a little company!" The huddle of interlinked ponies stopped their fucking and faced me. I stared in awe at the series of mounts. "Uh...or...just keep--"

A large mare walked up behind the first. "Sir...I got this." She hung her foreleg on the smaller mare's back. "Come on sweetheart, let's have some fun."

Moonshine stared at me, locked in place. "I don't think I--"

"Tradition, right?" I went back to washing off. "Or should that not be a thing all the sudden?"

Moonshine squirmed as the larger mare rubbed her back. "I'm gonna go dry off...."

I nodded. "Probably a good idea." I washed off my junk. "Oh, and I'm cutting your rations." I smiled to myself, letting my truly evil nature boil up in the twisted features of my face.

"Aaah fuck! Fuck--my ass!"

My smile drooped low as something sticky ran across my heel and towards the drain. I stared at the floor and turned off the water. "Gonna just...." I stepped out and found my towel. "Shower with Celestia instead...."

Cadance Gets Kidnapped

I sat at one of the breakfast tables in the royal dining room. Cadance sat with me, tied up and forced to levitate food into her mouth. "So...why am I here?" She asked calmly as ever.

I looked her up and down. "Testing." I tapped my finger against my tea mug. "Field testing Shining Armor. I want to see how long it takes him to mobilize and find you."

Cadance spooned another bit of sugared cereal into her mouth. She chewed loudly and nodded. "How long do you think? Because the crystal ponies might be a little worried."

"Again, field testing your guard and Shining." I tossed back my mug and finished my tea. "By the way, sorry about the whole kidnapping thing."

Cadance looked down at her bindings. "Hmm, not the worst kidnapping I've been through. Honestly I'd rate this one a solid nine."

I scratched my head. "How many times have you been kidnapped exactly?"

Cadance spooned more cereal. "Bout...three or four." She nibbled on the knock off pony brand cereal and swallowed hard. "The last time was changelings, this time it was cereal." She looked off behind me. "Celestia's coming."

I turned around and spotted Celestia trotting over rather quickly. "Able...Able, why is Cadance here?" She stood next to me and looked her over. "Why is she tied up!?"

Cadance and I looked at each other. I cleared my throat before answering. "Testing Shining and his guard. I already told our guard and Twilight's friends."

Celestia looked about the circular table. "Oh...." She looked over to the kitchen staff. "So you had cereal without me?"

I licked my lips. "I just got back." I pointed to Cadance with my cup. "I had a team of ponies fly us back like two hours ago."

Cadance looked down at her cereal. "Hmm, do you want the rest?" She looked up to Celestia. "You can have it if you want."

Celestia looked down at me. "No...." She pulled my mug from my hands and tried to drink. She scrunched up her muzzle and tossed the mug against the floor. It didn't break, it instead slid across the floor and landed next to a planter. She sighed heavily. "Able, do you realize how much work you just caused--"

"It's a guard issue. I made sure you were out of it completely." I scooted over on my bench. "Relax. I know how to abduct people. Forward recon did it all the time, only there was more torture involved."

Celestia opened her mouth then just as quickly shut it. "Oh...." She sat down next to me and settled in. "Hmm. So just a normal day then?"

I shrugged. "More or less." I looked back to Cadance. "So I have a question, are you two related?" I pointed between them. "Aunt or something?"

Cadance nodded. "Something like--"

Celestia coughed and rubbed her throat. "It's complicated."

Cadance and I looked towards Celestia. I pressed my fingers against either side of my nose. "Complicated?"

Celestia whinnied and smiled. "I have a very...very large family tree. Marriages and children throughout the centuries and all that...." She coughed again. "Cadance is a close enough relative that I count her, but it's easier to call me an aunt than to dig through and actually find the connection."

"Hmm." I looked to Cadance and shrugged. "I was just gonna say, you should do your mane like her." I pointed to the bobs at the ends of Cadance's mane. "I like the swirly things."

Cadance smiled and tried to brush her mane. She frowned when she realized how well tied she was. "Do you think maybe you can--"

"No." I shook my head. "The ropes stay until he finds you. Then he can figure out how to get them off." I stretched my arms and brushed Celestia's side. "It's a constrictor knot, so either he's gonna bring a knife and cut you out, or you're gonna be there a while."

Celestia tapped me with her side. "Do you not like Shining?"

I looked at the two ponies. "Uh...well, first off...." I tapped my fingers on the table. "You both know he gets stuffed like a donut by the guard, right?"

Cadance and Celestia both nodded. Cadance rolled her eyes. "It's pretty-- wait, do you not?" She cocked her head. "I thought most guards hung around together like that."

I stared at her. "Uh...I have her." I pointed to Celestia. "Why would I--"

Celestia smiled and patted my back with her wing. "I really wouldn't mind--"

"I would." I shifted in my seat. "A, I'm not gay, B, I've been with two ponies...one I love, one I love like a sister--"

Celestia smiled wryly. "Am I the one you love like a sister?"

I felt my cheeks tug downward. "Thanks.... You know who I'm taking about. Apple Jack...." I put my hands together. "Anyways, I had my exploration thingy with ponies...I'm not about to leave you any time soon."

Celestia reached down and nuzzled my head. "I know."

"Good." I looked Cadance over. I looked back to the doors of the dining room. "He really should have found you by now."

Celestia sighed and slid off the bench. She lit her mane up and brushed her coat with her magic. "Well, I suppose I'll go hold court. Wait for Shining to show up."

Cadance nodded and watched her leave. "Bye auntie." Things grew quiet as a pony came over and set my mug back down on the table. Cadance watched as the pony took her cereal away and dropped off a small cup of tea. "So, she's much more casual behind the scenes."

I shrugged. "I wouldn't know. I never really see her, on scene." I rubbed my neck. "Heard she's really proper."

Cadance nodded. "Normally I'd say so. Very motherly and kind, very reserved--"

"Ha!" I leaned down towards the table. "Sure."

Cadance cocked her head. "Well maybe you should sit with her while she's doing business. See what I mean."

I grunted and looked back towards the door. "Maybe. Hey, so you know he's the guard's fucktoy?"

Cadance nodded. "Oh there are some days where he has to go to the bathroom to poop out cum."

I cringed and hissed. "Oh my god...what the fuck?" I crossed my legs and covered my mouth.

Cadance nodded. "He goes to shower with them, then comes back, pretends like nothing happened."

I shrugged. "Courtly love or something, right?"

Cadance grunted. "No...just love and sex, can be a little different." She looked me over. "You were in a military, you know--"

"No." I shook my head. "No I don't. I was never gay for anyone in the barracks. I had sex with one solider, a woman, out in a foxhole because we though we were going to die the next day." I rubbed my arm. "Wait, so does that mean you just fuck random ponies too?"

Cadance tried to hold her hoof out. "I have one servant who comes by and gives me oral. It's not love thought."

I grunted again. "Ponies are weird...."

"Humans are weird." She tapped her back leg on the ground.

Things grew quiet as we both sat there, waiting for something to happen. I scratched my neck. "So...you wanna go watch a movie or something? I think they remade Titanic with ponies."

Cadance shrugged. "Alright."

I stood up and walked over to her. I hoisted the pink mare over my shoulders and started off towards the doors. "So... only a nine out of ten?"

Cadance sighed. "The best kidnapper would take me to dinner first. And probably wouldn't be human. A dragon kidnapping would be interesting."

"Hmm. Weird times we live in."

Still Kidnapped

"No...light infantry." I moved my pieces across the board. "I'm telling you, a mixed force of light armor and infantry is your best bet here." I shifted my pieces again.

Cadance shook her head. "I've always studied under Canter and Crystal schools, you need support. You need supply lines." She levitated her pieces over the large textured map. "You need to maintain supply lines, possible retreats, and ways to move fresh troops forward."

I rubbed my chin and looked at her placement. "In my experience we were a self sufficient unit." I cleared the board and laid out a few infantry and one light armor. "One IFV with two platoons made up of eleven each. Scouting groups could split five and five with the commander hanging back." I scratched my chin. "Do you get what I'm saying? A unit like this could move behind enemy lines without needing to supply or stop."

Cadance scrunched up her muzzle. "I suppose. It's certainly experimental."

I shrugged and walked around the board room I'd hijacked. "It's a covert group if nothing else. I think you're thinking from a national perspective, I'm thinking limited resources." I tapped my chin. "Quebec, we were the first group in, and we tore resistence to pieces before the main force could arrive. We flushed them out of buildings and the main force swept them up off the street."

Cadance nodded. "I don't think Equestria has really had a conventional war in over one-hundred years." She looked up at me. "The last one was with the griffons, and it was one repelled invasion then Celestia dropped the sun and refused to raise it until they left."

I stared at her. "Whoa...that's fucked up." I scratched my head. "I keep forgetting how pointless a war would be when you can just control the fucking sun."

Cadance shrugged. "I suppose. We could hold wargames."

I shrugged. "It'd probably be good if ponies had some grasp of war." I looked her over. "So is Shining coming for you or not?"

Cadance looked down at her roped up body. "I'd hope so." She flapped her wings a few times then nestled into them. "What would you do if Celestia was kidnapped?"

***

I stared out over the burning lands. Ponies in gold marching down the streets with banners held high. The smell of burning plants and falling ash littered the fields as we marched on towards her. The smell of blood clung to my bayonet and the stink of fresh gunpowder drifted up from my rifle.

I watched the blue glow of my mask reflect in an ashy puddle as I walked down through the corpse filled lands. They would burn for taking her, and not one would live to see her sun rise again.

***

I rubbed my chin. "I would blow up the whole god damn world."

Cadance's eyes opened wide. "Um...your voice changed."

I cleared my throat. "Hmm, ignore that." I looked back at the map. "So if he doesn't get her by dinner, you want to invite Twilight and make it a dinner?"

Cadance looked me up and down. "You'd really explode the world if somepony took her?"

I smelled smoke. I saw the fires rise in the distance. "I would commit a genocide to get her back if that's what it took."

Cadance cleared her throat. "Do...do humans have Nightmare Variants?"

I stared into space. The heat of the disposal fires warmed my shoulders. The smell of fresh dragon blood clung to me, envoloped me as I saw her, clad in rags. "I don't know...." I stared past Cadance, lost in my campaign. "Let's not find out."

Cadance looked off to the side. "So...you're a little scary."

I grunted. "Depends on the day." I scratched the back of my neck. "Anyways, you wanna come to dinner or not? I kinda like talking with you, and if he's not gonna come get you...."

Cadance smiled nervously. "Sure. Maybe just don't have that thousand yard stare again."

I rubbed my cheeks. "Hmm, was a bit much, wasn't it?" I shrugged. "I had my chance to become the devil, I kinda threw it away so don't worry too much." I reached out and picked up the pink horse. "Come on, go tell Celestia and get ready. Can invite some ponies or something."

Still?

I fixed the old black jacket Rarity had made for me. "Still...?"

Cadance nodded. "Still."

I scratched my head. "So is he just inept, or is he not trying?"

Cadance flopped onto her side. She nestled into my couch and sighed. "I don't know. I really don't know."

I fixed my cuff and sat down next to her. "I'm sure he's just inept.... Probably." I sat her upright and rubbed her side.

Cadance huffed loudly. "I'm not really sure that's better."

I hugged her against me and held her cheek. "We can fix ineptitude. Harder to fix not caring."

Cadance sighed again. "I suppose."

I lifted her up and tossed her over my shoulder. I turned to the door. "Sorry by the way, dinner in ropes isn't--"

"Sounds vaguely sexual." Cadance shot back. "Planning something?"

I coughed roughly and hurried down the steps out of my office. "Celestia in a black dress...so, yeah probably." I rubbed my throat with my free hand. "I mean no offense, but I'm gonna force her dress up and just ruin her after the dinner."

Cadance whipped my back with her tail. "Kinky. Do go on."

I grunted and stepped into the main staircase downward. "There's not really more to say. I'm going to put my dick inside princess. Simple as that."

Cadance sighed. "You make it sound so simple, like she's not a world leader."

I shrugged, bouncing her up slightly. "Still a mare. Still someone I have to look out for, mentally and physically." I rubbed Cadance's back. "Either way, treating her well doesn't always mean treating her nice. Sometimes you have to be stern. And sometimes you have to just fuck her." I scratched my head. "Gets stressed as fuck and sometimes she doesn't calm down until she either goes and uses a vibrator or I bend her over."

Cadance looked me in the face. "That's...an interesting perspective."

I shrugged. "I've been here like...feels like years. But, I can't treat Celestia like a woman, she's not." I shook my head. "She's a mare, and as simple as the differences seem, it's the difference between someone I have to take care of, and an equal I have to watch out for."

Cadance hummed. "How would you treat her if she was human?"

I laughed hard. "Oh my god, I'd tell her to calm the fuck down quick as shit!" I felt my chest rise. "Oh man.... But that shit doesn't work for her right now. She can take care of herself, she just forgets she's still a living creature from time to time." I scratched my sideburn. "I think she used to calm down with Twilight, but even she's getting all grown up."

Cadance looked me up and down. "Are you saying she needs a child? It sounds like that's what you're implying."

I ran my fingers down over my cheek. "Huh... I guess I am. Well, what do you think?"

"I'm not sure. Does she really get that stressed?"

I reached the base of the stairs and set Cadance down. "Tell you what, you stick around the castle a bit, I'll go up to the Crystal Empire and see what I can't do about your guard. Deal?"

Cadance shifted in her binds. "Sure. But first, can I get these ropes off?"

I shook my head. "Not until Shining gets here." I wiped off my shoulder. "And I don't really think it has to be a kid. A student, a kid, a pet, something to take her mind off the constant Princess Celestia blank did blank now I need blank."

Cadance scrunched up her muzzle. "I suppose. The Empire isn't the biggest place, I've never really had an overload, except when the Empire was getting started."

I put my hands out. "Right, now think about the Crystal Empire, then add in like thirty other cities, and a landmass double the size of North America."

Cadance laughed. "Wide wide world of Equestria."

"No joke." I picked her up again. "Rural as fuck though."

Cadance rolled her eyes. "Oh please. It's--"

I shook my head and walked on. "You have a major city, then miles and miles of fucking nature! It's great, don't get me wrong, but it's weird. Back home it was almost the opposite. Lots of cities and a few dense clusters of nature." I walked out a side door onto the castle grounds. "I like Equestria way better, so don't take it personally."

Cadance grunted and stretched her legs. "The planet is big too. Still whole continents unclaimed." She smiled and looked up to the dark night sky. "And there's other planets just out there that we could reach...."

I felt a knot sit in my throat. "Wide wide world indeed."

Finally?

I sat with Celestia and the other princesses. Celestia wore her mane a soft shade of blue and covered her wings with a thick black dress. Cadance and Twilight sat across from us, talking to each other. I took a drink of water while Celestia one of wine. "So, how was it?" I asked calmly.

Celestia sighed. "About as I expected. A few ponies came in just to talk about Cadance, aside from that standard."

I took another swig. The cold water was easy on my throat after all the days yelling. "Hmm, you alright?"

"Yes, Able."

I nodded. "You seem a little quiet."

Celestia tapped me with her wing. "There are other ponies around. And I'd rather--"

"Tick." I tapped my fingers on the table. "Other ponies never--"

Celestia slapped my arm with her wing. "That was different." She left a blue smear on her glass. "You know how I feel about bugs. Same way you feel about Spike."

I felt my skin creep. "Don't even compare that to him...I don't--"

Celestia scoffed. "Please...you nearly threw him through a window."

I nodded. "And I would have done it if you'd let me." I moved my hand to her thigh.

Celestia sat calm under my hand. She sighed heavily. "So what are the odds Shining is bent over in the showers?"

I grabbed the inner curve of her thigh and squeezed. "Hopefully low."

Celestia nodded and looked up at her ponies. "How are you both? It is very nice to see you, perhaps not under--"

I squeezed her leg. "Relax."

Celestia looked down at me with a grimace. "I am."

I rubbed her leg. "Speaking as an agitated madman, you're not."

Celestia levitated my hand off her leg. "At any rate.... Twilight, how have you been?"

Twilight smiled wide. "Great! I mean...great, it's been going very well. No major catastrophes."

I scratched my ear. "How'd the tree grow in? That crystal thing still there?"

Twilight sighed heavily. "It just doesn't feel right."

Celestia leaned forward. "The crystal tree, you mean the crystal tree, don't you?"

Twilight nodded slowly. "I just feel a little--"

"Too formal?" Celestia asked calmly. "Personally I think it suits you, since the tree is still a bit young I think it'd work well for you."

Twilight rubbed her neck. "It does! It really does. I just feel a little out of place in Ponyville, since it kind of stands out...."

I rubbed my chin and looked around. A loud metal scraping was coming from the door. "Oh...well shit."

Shining was dragging himself over, a sword sat next to him, barely held in a magical grip. He wore bright gold armor, the same kind I'd proved completely pointless with a bayonet. His mane was singed at the tips and his hooves were covered in mud. "Cadance...he found us."

Cadance popped upright, still tied up. "Shining!"

He walked over rather slowly and tossed the sword down. It clattered loudly and startled a passing man with a food tray. He walked up to me and stared at me. "Why?"

"Testing." I answered with a drink. "Where the hell where you?"

Shining glared at me. "Dragon lands...."

I nodded. "Poor scout work there my friend."

Shining looked over to Cadance. "...You kept her tied up all day?"

I nodded. "Yeah, until you cut her out."

Shining glared at me and snorted. "Are you...kidding...me?"

I shook my head. Celestia and Twilight were still talking. "No, it really took you a day to track her down. If I was actually trying to kidnap her I would have shaved her head and sent you it in a box by now," I turned to Cadance, "no offense."

Shining let out a long grunt and laid down on the floor. "I walked for twenty miles today...."

I rubbed my chin. "Why didn't you send out scouts? Pegasus cover that much ground in minutes."

Shining glared at me. "There are no Pegasus in the Crystal Guard...you ass."

I scratched my neck. "Breed some, you dipshit." I finished off my glass and stood up. "Celestia...." She turned around to face me. "I'm gonna head back home, get things ready. Have fun."

Celestia looked up at me. "Oh, alright. I planned to."

I turned to Cadance. "See...equal, can't baby her." I picked Shining up and set him on my old seat. "Later ya'll." I started off towards home. Crisis now resolved, I was about ready to have a sandwich and go to bed.

Crystal

I sat on the train northbound. I had a private car with a new assistant helping me sort through guard portfolios. I rubbed my chin, busy looking over a young crystal pegasus. "So, Shard, crystal ponies haven't been around long? All earth ponies?"

Shard turned in his seat. "Hmm? Oh, no, they popped up a year or two ago. But yes, most pure blood crystal ponies are earth, its a subsect of earthpony with a higher crystal content in their bodies." He rubbed his desk with his hoof. "Less iron more zircon."

I scratched my head. "So what, they don't need to eat iron rich stuff?"

He shook his head. "They eat oxide or silicon based foods in place. So, yeah, no spinach, more crysol."

I nodded. "But, they can crossbreed." I tapped my fingers on the desk. "That work like--"

"Same way as any other crossbreed. It all depends on the genes." He looked down at himself. "I'm half thestral, you'd never guess by looking at me though."

I shook my head. "Your coat is softer and your colors are more greyish."

Shard looked up and down himself. "Oh...well, most ponies couldn't tell."

I shrugged. "So are your systems all wonky? Can't they eat meat?"

Shard nodded. "Equestrian Genetics are strange."

I looked down at my balls. "Yeah, tell me about it." I scratched my ear. "Satyrs? What the fuck man?"

Shard shrugged. "Genetics. Anyways, there could be a pegasus or a unicorn with a crystal coat fairly easily. And if not born like that, you've seen the new potions out of Van Hoover."

I smirked and nodded. "Right. So, we need a quota. About ten to start?"

Shard nodded. "Ten pegasus, maybe four or give unicorns."

I nodded. "Alright." I looked over the files Cadance had handed over. "You have the physical requirements?"

"I'm drafting the new ones right now." He turned back to his desk. "These crystal ponies are a lot more fragile, but they're a lot lighter. Like an earth pony but with less durability and more agility."

I stretched my neck. "Still stronger than pegasus?"

Shard nodded. "Earth ponies are like steel, crystal ponies are like iron. Context wise you can tell which is stronger, but compared to anything else, they both hit pretty hard."

I nodded. "Good." I stretched my arms. "It's like making a brand new military, all over again."

Shard nodded. "Ponies and war aren't really strangers. We've just been away a while."

I leaned back in my chair and looked at the picture of Celestia I had. "Well, we'll bring them armies worthy of the land and the title then."

Shard's hooves tapped against his desk. "Have you heard? Ponies and humans, heck, even griffons and dragons have been buying noble titles."

"Hmm?" I turned my chair around.

Shard smiled and nodded. "Yeah, noble house revolution. Seems like knights and royal families are gonna be a thing again. Castles and counts and dukes and all that are coming back."

I rubbed my chin. "Cool. Even more reason to have a good national army." I thought back to home. "HPI had the same idea, and that was the only thing I remember walking away from Nova Scotia."

Shard looked back over his chin. "...You think that stuff could ever happen here?"

I shook my head. "No...there was years and years of buildup before shit hit the fan back home. And you can see contact with Equestria kinda taking those things away." I nodded hard. "You can see the Earth getting colder with the pegasus controlling the climate more. Spark power is really taking off...no...things are looking...pretty beautiful."

Shard nodded and went back to work. "Nowhere but up, right?"

I nodded and turned around. I stared at Celestia's picture. "Nowhere but up."

Celestia Gets Hammered

I sat with Celestia as two mares laid down on a stage in the sitting room, kissing eachother while Celestia watched. "...Able.... Why are ponies so fucking sexy?" Her breath smelled like whiskey. "Humans...humans are good.... I just...." The pauses between her words were agonizing. "Able...pull your cock out." She turned to me, her right eye opened more than her left. Her purple eyes were bloodshot and darkened. "I want...to lick...and suck...and eat it."

"You're drunk--"

"I know!" Celestia slammed her hoof and made the ponies stop going at it. She snapped her head around. "Did I say you two could stop!"

The two ponies looked at eachother for a bit then slowly started to get back into it.

Celestia leaned towards them. "...Dicks would make this so much better. Two stallions...and dicks...." She laughed and sloppily levitated a half empty bottle of fine scottish brandy atop her head. "Able...you have a penis."

I nodded. "Yes I do."

Celestia sighed heavily. "If I...became a stallion.... Would you fuck me?"

"Probably not."

"What...if you were gay?"

"Then yeah, probably." I shrugged. "Not gay though."

"Cadance...could make you gay." She laughed loudly. "Oh my gosh...she could make you give me a blowjob!" Celestia laid her head down against the stage and started heaving. "Able...suck my dick! I'm gonna go-" She forced herself up with the bottle. "-grow a cock. And you can suck it!"

I looked up at my obliterated wife. "...How much of that did you drink?"

Celestia took another swig. She licked her lips and went back to watching her strippers kiss. "...A lot...." She set the bottle down and sat on her haunches. "The...Prime Minster...of the United King of Britney gave me...three bot-les!" She reached out and knocked the whiskey onto the ground. "...Two! I drank...the others."

"Rough day?"

Celestia sighed heavily. "Twilight almost got...freaking kidnapped! Almost got her friends kidnapped too! Then I'm like...sitting there, wondering if I should send the guard, and I get a letter from Spike.... Like...Everything's fucking great Celestials! I got unkidnapped and learned a lesson about...mother fucking sewing circles! And how her friend is sexy...." She stared ahead, one eye half closed. "...Able...I'm going to--" She hiccuped loudly. "I'm going to call Fluttershy.... I'm going to fuck her with a dildo and lick her...while you fuck me..... I want this."

I nodded. "Sure...."

"No! I'm shheious!" She knocked her hoof against the stage. "I want.... All of them. Just...we call Twilight, we call Cadance, we call Luna, we get some strippers, and we fuck! We fuck...a lot!"

I nodded. "Hey, you wanna go to bed?"

Celestia hissed. "No! I duns wanna go ta stupid beds!"

I stood up and walked up to her. "Come on, let's get you to bed." I grabbed her foreleg and started pulling her. "Come on, let's go."

Celestia tried to stay in her chair, but her wobbly way of sitting caused her to lurch forward. "Able...stop it. I'm gonna put you in the moon! I will put you in the moon!" Her horn flickered with a dim gold light. "Ables.... I hate yous...."

"I know." I waved to the strippers. "Go ahead and go home." They stopped kissing and started cleaning themselves up.

Celestia followed me rather slowly. "Able...would I be a pretty human?"

"Probably gorgeous."

"Would you fuck me?" She leaned her head next to me. "Would you?"

I nodded. "I fuck you now.... I can only imagine tits would make it better."

Celestia sighed. "I'm gonna do it... Like...tomorrow. Gonna turn human, and you fuck me...okay?"

"How about you get some sleep first, then we'll talk."

Celestia sighed heavily. "Able...suck my dick." She lit herself up and flashed away. In her place was a completely midsection sized disk of wall. I looked down the hallway and found Celestia teleported into the wall, her ass hanging into one of the other rooms while she hung her head down and slept.

I let out a sharp sigh and turned the other way.

Hung Over

Author's Note

THE HOCKEY THING:

I stood in the mainhall. A pair of imported roller skates on my feet.

Celestia walked in from a side corridor and started walking to her throne. I crouched down and got ready.

I swung my foot forward and charged, keeping low and letting my momentum speed me up. "Aaaleyaaaaoooo!"

"What?" Celestia turned around just in time to catch a body check right across the base of her neck. She spun away and slipped on her metal shoes. "What the fuck!?"

I rolled past with my hands up. "Fucking Quebec ain't shit! North knows how to fucking hit!" I rolled around her throne room as she picked her shoes up and straightened out. "Remember jousting?" I carried myself around her as she sighed and cleaned up. "I do."

Celestia shook her head and walked calmly towards her throne. "You're being a child."

I shrugged. "Yep. Fun as fuck though." I rolled out towards the main doors. "I'm gonna go get fast food, you want something?"

Celestia groaned and yelled across her hall. "Hayburgers, like four or five!"

I nodded and rolled on towards the main doors. "Alright, I'll--" I passed through the main doors with ease and completely lost my footing at a tiny set of steps down onto a larger set of stairs. I slammed gut first into a bannister and flattened out on the cold hard floor.

"...You deserve that!"

Hung Over

I stood in Celestia's bedroom. "What kind is it?" She groaned from the bed, her head covered up to the muzzle.

"Sweet, easy, and creamy as hell." I walked over with her coffee and held it for her. "Also brought some water."

Celestia didn't pull the covers off her head. "Water first, two bottles."

I reached into my stuffed pockets and pulled one from each. The coffee found a home on her bed as I nursed my wife with water. She suckled at the bottle like a baby, chugging down the water like a true drunk.

She polished off the first and sighed. "Oh...no.... Do I have court--"

"Luna's pulling a day shift, you're going to have to handle night."

Celestia sighed heavily and motioned her hoof for more water. "Thank you Able...."

"Yep." I brought another bottle to her lips. She chugged it back and levitated the covers off her flushed face. Her eyes were a bright beet red. "You gonna be okay?"

Celestia pulled the bottle out of my hands and spat it out across the room. "I'll be fine." She levitated the coffee up, her magic trembling as her horn struggled to stay lit.

I took my mug from her and held it for her. "Just let me."

Celestia sighed and drank quietly. "Able.... Why is it you're always taking care of me?"

"Because I don't complain." I took a sip of the coffee, horridly sweet for me. "Even if I was hurt or sick, I wouldn't bring it up."

Celestia sighed. "But you don't even act as dumb as me anymore--"

"The fire thing?" I held her coffee for her. "The hockey thing." I let her polish off my mug. "The sword thing. The Applejack thing...." I held my hand out. "What do you want from me?"

Celestia sighed. "We never act like...serious anymore."

I stared at her. "...Do you want to talk about the terrible shit we've done? You're holding court at night, you wanna tell the bat ponies about the genocide? I'll tell the government about my Halifax thing...and the bodies."

Celestia sighed. "Not what I meant." She rubbed her head. "...Invite...Twilight and her friends for court tonight.... We're gonna sit and be smart about things tonight."

I shrugged. "Alright. Just gonna sit there on my hands then."

Celestia groaned and pulled the sheet back over her head.

Scars

Celestia sat looking down at my hand. "Able...how long have you been missing your finger?" She reached up and pinned my hand against my desk. "Your missing the middle one."

I stared at her hoof. "Uh, like three years now, three or four." I pulled my hand away and swung around in my office chair. I flexed my fingers and leaned back. "I lost it back home. Carrying a friend outside and someone shot my finger off."

Celestia grimaced. "Why did you not ask me to fix it?"

I shook my head. "I don't want it fixed."

"Are you sure?" Celestia sat neatly by my side and looked it over.

I grabbed my pen and held it between my fingers. My right middle finger was cut to a nub around the first joint. I jammed the pen in place and wrote my name with it. "I get by without it. And it reminds me of certain things I did...bad things."

Celestia smiled and turned her neck to me. She lit her horn up and a patch of her coat fell away, revealing a rather large bite scar running from her throat to her jaw. "I'm glad I'm not the only one."

I swung my arm around her and hugged her head. "Oh Jesus...you just know how to fucking tweak my god damn gut." I rocked side to side with her head against my chest. "God I love you."

Sombra

I sat with Celestia, more next to her as she held court. A pony was asking nicely about some gift to the state of Saddle Arabia. Something about flowers, something about some brothers trying to patch up relations with Equestria.

“Of course, you’ll have my full support.” Celestia smiled down at the red-head pony. “I’m sure this will help you as well.” She smiled knowingly. “Am I safe saying you plan to fill the full order?”

The little red-headed pony laughed softly. “Well, I wouldn’t say no. But if you decide to give the contract to some other pony, I won’t argue.”

I rubbed my face. “Smart bitch,” I whispered to myself, letting a loud yawn cover it as I stretched. “Celestia I’m gonna go.”

Celestia turned and watched me as I stood. “Are you sure--”

I pointed to the red-head. “Go play with your ponies, sorry for interrupt--”

A bright red paper scroll exploded into existence before Celestia’s throne. Celestia snapped her head around and caught it with her magic. “Oh...oh no.”

I stopped dead and bit my lip. “Where?”

Celestia shook her head. “Roseluck, I’m sorry this meeting is going to have to be cut short.” She set the scroll down and stood up. “I need to go--”

I walked up to Celestia. “Where?”

Celestia licked her lips and looked to one of the windows. “Sombra was spotted in the Crystal Spire, he hasn’t done anything, but he’s there with an accomplice--”

I sighed heavily and turned to the guards stationed at the far main door. “Alright gentlemen! You heard the lady!” I felt my chest rise as my voice boomed across the room. “Light Sortie, two pegasus four mainliners, let’s go!” I clapped my hands together and started running towards the main doors. “Come on, pick up your fucking hooves!”

“Um...Able?” Celestia called after me. “Able? Able! ...Able?”

I hit the doors hard as the ponies started down the stairs to the outside world. “Sit down there Princess, you don’t send the most important person in the nation as first responders!”

Her tail whipped to the side as she trotted in place. “But--”

I hopped down the flight of stairs and started off towards the steps out of the foyer. I hit the hard stone floor of the entry with a loud smack. The two guard ponies were already at the main doors, holding them for me as I ran. I stopped at the door and looked the ponies over. “You, arrange a temp guard for Celestia.”

A red pony with show armor nodded and sprinted off into the summer day.

I turned to the grey mane. “Come on, scramble some transport and scouting I’ll get the grunts in order!” I ran out onto the nicely paved walkways through the castle grounds. The air was warm, and the sun beat down just enough to burn my skin. I pulled my jacket off and let it fall against the grass as me and the unicorn guard bolted towards the barracks.

I hurried up to the offshoot of the castle and threw myself into the door. My bare arm scratched roughly against the unpainted wood door. “Fasted four to meet in the track go! High priority, let’s go!” I didn’t stop running as I passed the main lobby of the guard, a few ponies and a human were already running around in the back offices.

I hurried through the clerk areas and the logistical offices. I passed through the herds of ponies in fine white shirts, fine pants and skirts. A loud bustle filled the room as I ran past, only slowing near the doors to the track yard. “Arms and light armor, in the field now!”

A pony looked up at me and nodded idly. “On it sir….” He tapped a keyboard with his hoof tips.

I slipped past a mare in yellow and hurried outside. The field was clear save a collection of equipment sitting in the middle of the track’s green area. A few guards were already hooking up a sky carriage with three pullers. “More than I asked for!”

A bat pony with a tired look about him walked over from a box of equipment. “That’s my fault. You’ll get there faster and it’ll take up less time when you’re dropping in.”

I shook my head and walked past him towards the black cased of gear. I slipped a vest over my shirt as the others got ready. “Fine, sorted.” I ran through the weapons as the other guards were fitted and following me to get armed.

Three ponies and a rather dark skinned girl were getting ready to go with me. A pair of unicorns pulled smaller carbines from the case while the earthpony of the group had a set of rifles strapped to his sides on a strange boxy firing rig hooked onto his neck. The human guard grabbed a long rifle and pulled herself away.

I found whatever rifle was left and pointed back to the carriage. “Lock in, get ready!” I pushed the heavy boxy earth pony aside and went to the pullers. “Listen you fucks, this is a crisis level problem, you pull hard as you can!”

The lead puller nodded and flexed his wings. “Ready to go sir!”

I nodded and turned back to the carriage. The nice green world disappeared to a small two by three meter box with jet black walls. The others were already strapped into the walls, waiting for us to move. I stood in place and brought down a small brace bar at about human height. The ponies were braced against the floor and seemed to rattle much less as we took off.

The earth pony nodded his head in some strange quick tune as we moved.

I spotted the unicorn guards sharing a set of earbuds clipped to their ears.

“What songs?” I asked gruffly.

The unicorn guards looked over at me. “DJ Vinyl Scratch, sir!”

I looked to the earth pony as he wiggled the buds off his ears. “Uh...Waylon...Jennings….”

I laughed softly. “Fucking hick.” I looked to the human guard. She wasn’t listening to anything, she just shook her foot rather briskly against the floor.

I huffed and took a deep breath. “Alright, so Sombra is back. He’s not being violent yet, but we’re prepping for the worst. Weapons locked down until I say otherwise, understand me?”

The tiny room lit up with a sharp yes sir.

“Good. Now get ready. We go in fast and hard, clean up this mess before it gets any worse than it is.”

The ride went by rather quietly, with the ponies listening to their music and the human just standing there, waiting patient as could be.

I had been in things like this too often to be stirred up. And in my life since I moved to Equestria, not one thing had matched the combat back on earth.

I felt the floor shake rather hard. “Music off, let’s go!” I lifted my brace and turned to the door. My rifle met the sky as I twirled out and held the door for my team. I spotted Shining sulking over, his horn covered in black bumps. “Where?”

Shining sighed heavily. “Down below, there’s only one way….”

I sighed and let the door go. The air was crisper and much colder than I’d expected. “Seriously...did he at least sneak up on you?”

Shining sighed again. “I didn’t think he’d ever actually come back...then he just-- Look, just go fix this, that’s why you’re here.”

I twirled my hand in the air and bolted with my team over towards the main castle doors. Crystal ponies were already on scene, holding things down and keeping others away. The Canter Guard took the main room, a large crystal cover carved with a large vaulted ceiling. A set of blue and green crystal guards were waiting by a rather narrow entryway.

I hurried over, keeping my rifle low as I walked past them. The steps down were immediately a pain, and the narrow walkway had zero cover.

We all stayed quiet as we descended the huge staircase. Little by little the twirling seemed to lead downward to a rough noise. Breathing and grunting filled the air as we started off towards the hard crystal floor.

I raised my rifle up and hit the ground. The guards got into position around me as a man stayed crouched down over a dark charcoal pony. “Canterlot Royal Guard! Let’s see some fucking hands!” I pointed my rifle at the man’s back. “Hands, now!”

The man didn’t answer, he hunched over and stayed still for a few moments.

I glared hard as the grunting stopped. “...Are you fucking serious?” I held my hand up. “Two go, we’ll cover.”

The unicorn pair broke off and walked around either side. The one on the right lifted a hoof in disgust. “Oh dear Cadance...we need a blanket or a towel.”

A gravel filled voice coughed into the air a few times. “Really...I didn’t do anything this time….” The charcoal pony leaned to the side and looked at me. “...I’m not counting the idiot, neither should you…. Would have been a better cock slave than guard….” He laid his head back against the ground.

I sighed heavily. “Sombra?”

The charcoal pony grunted. “Who else?”

I hugged again. “Alright...why shouldn’t I shoot you?”

“Because I literally haven’t done anything illegal.” He wiggled back and rolled onto his side. He walked towards me with a very heavy limp. “I’m not attempting a coup, I’m not using my magic, I’m simply taking care of something personal--”

I pointed to the ground with my rifle, stopping him in his tracks. “Getting fucked in the ass is hardly business!”

The human in the back was slowly tucking himself away and surrendering to the armed guards. Sombra coughed roughly. “I took care of my business...this was more of an afterthought--”

“You still incapacitated Shining….”

Sombra’s eyes fell flat. “They boy can pull off spells decently, but aside from that, what use is he? I think you’re trying to make me feel bad for doing something extremely easy.”

I glared at him. “Well if you’re not doing anything wrong surrender--”

“I am.”

I licked my lips. “...Okay.” I held my hand up and pointed to Sombra. “Tie hooves, cap his horn.”

The human guard slowly approached, with the earth pony and I covering her move. I cleared my throat. “So...why does everyone hate you?”

Sombra groaned loudly. “Because in a past time I was a dictator, and in a magic fueled rage I tried to take my land back…. And for abusing Shining, but I’m not sure that was documented.”

The human guard capped his horn and went to work tying his hooves. “Wait...like s--”

“Do you really want to know?” Sombra held his hooves out. “Now this is getting ridiculous. Who even sent you creatures?”

I sighed heavily. “I did…. Sounded like a bigger problem than it actually was.” I slung my rifle and stood up.

The earth pony guard grunted. “Well ‘ta be fair, he was a real big ‘ol issue a while back...nearly took out a princess.”

Sombra cocked his head. “Do I look anywhere near the same? Do I--”

“Ya do.” The guard shot back. “Ya really do.”

Sombra grumbled and growled. “I don’t. I’m actually a normal pony right now....not some sickly smog monster--”

“Close enough.” The guard finally eased his posture. “Ain’t really the smoke that scares ponies, more your face.”

I shook my head. “Take them up, they’re royal guard property now, not Cadance’s.”

Sombra looked up at me. “Really? You’re taking me--” He stopped himself and looked away. “Actually this might be better...I can’t imagine Cadance would be too pleased seeing me.”

I grunted and looked to the stairs. The guards were escorting everyone up and away.

An eerie whisper came from behind me. The large circular room seemed to drag a rush of air around the central spire. I looked back and felt the rush shoot down the back of my shirt. Come on.

I walked slowly towards the bend in the spire. I followed it around and found nothing but a door. It opened rather slowly. Hi there.

Immortality

I stomped back up the stairs of Celestia's tower. I stepped up into the lobby of Celestia's home rooms. I walked up towards the doors to Celestia's bedroom and threw them open. "Celestia...."

She peeked around a small partition. "Able, how--"

I walked up to her and threw my arms around her neck. "Uh...gonna be here a while." I squeezed her warm body against my chest. "Longer than you'd expect...."

Celestia trotted in place and settled in. "What? Able, Sombra just got here not that long ago, what hap--"

I let go of her and stepped back. "Long story."

Celestia's eyes opened wide as she looked me over. "Able...are you feeling okay? You look...different."

I rubbed my chin. "Yeah, knocked off about four of five years recently...." I shook my head and pointed to a small couch. "Probably take a seat...let me tell you about a fucking door."

***

I stepped over to the door. It opened wide and showed off a floating pony head, completely matte with purple skin and glowing white eyes. Its eyes wrinkled up into a mouth less smile. Hello there. One of Sombra's friends?

I looked the door up and down. "Alright, what is this shit?"

The face in the doorway shook its head.Oh you're no fun. Not even going to try and play along?

I shook my head. "I'm not a big fan of magic shit." I slung my rifle over my shoulder. "So what are you?"

The door shimmered as the face pointed its brow inward. Well...that's a long story. Sombra called me a genie, others called me a sage--

"Cut to the chase." I tapped my foot on the ground. "If you're magic crap, you're gonna want to talk to Celestia, not me."

The face looked annoyed, its general shape a bit sharper than before. Hmm. I've given Sombra a rather long message, some immortality, and perhaps a new lover recently. I was rather hard on him. Took his first love and taught him the meaning of letting go...only took a few centuries more than it should have.... But you're here now, and I can give you anything you want, so long as--

"Nah."

The face swished around. What?

"No thanks." I shook my head. "I don't really need anything."

The eyes of the creature lifted up with some unseen brow. Great wealth?

"I don't need it."

Eternal life?

I laughed sharply. "Oh my god, I can't wait until I fucking die. Be done with this shit and get some rest for once in my life!" I rubbed my face. "Its great with Celestia too, she'll be hurt for a little bit, but that mare is so strong...."

The face narrowed its eyes. Really? A kingdom? A reality? Unlimited power? Women, men, do you want to meet a god? Do you want to rip a hole in space and time? Do you want to meet Christ? Do you want to meet anything? I can make anything real, I can bring about whatever reality you choose...just let me--

"I said no." I glared at the door. "I don't care what happens to me. This has never been about me. It's been about her, about making her smile, about being there when she's sick or hurt, about holding her when she had a bad fucking day. About keeping her safe! About--"

Then you want nothing? I could send you home. I could make it as if you'd never even fell through the portal in the fir--

"Fuck no!" I stomped my heel. "Get rid of all this? All the people happily moving around? All the stories they'd tell? All the time I've spent here. You want me to take it back? Go fuck yourself."

The portal flickered. ...This is a first. Most of the time ponies pick at least something. Even if it's to be killed.

I shook my head. "No, I'm really pretty happy as is. Seems like this is a problem with the people you meet, not me."

The doorway grew a bit bright. This is odd. Well...would you want something for somepony else? Somebody? Something? World peace, an end to hunger, something?

I scratched my head. "Make Celestia happy? I don't think she's been feeling too great recently. A little tired and works been piling up--"

See...that's where we meet an impasse...I could just make her happier, I could give her a life of utter joy.... But I kinda like you, you're nothing like Sombra...you let go.

I shrugged. "The dead have it easy, they just get to watch us fuck around back here."

The face in the doorway's eyes curved upwards into a pleased look. Exactly. Sombra enslaved a nation, brought me gems and gold, tried to fill a body of metal with a soul of a pony. He just wouldn't let go!

"I get it." I shrugged. "If I lost Celestia I'd be kinda...well...fucking crushed. But I wouldn't blame her or try to disturb her. Probably kill myself."

The face in the doorway frowned with his eyes. Hmm. Well, then consider my option. Give her something to keep with her. Something to have with her as a companion, as a friend, as--

"You're talking about me...."

The door laughed. I am.

"No."

Come again?

I shook my head. "No! Fuck no! I'm dying! You can't fucking stop me!"

The doorway's eyes narrowed. Why? Why can't you just let me be nice for once?

"Because fuck the undying! That shit is a recipe for losing your mind."

The eyes in the mist cocked upward. So you'd rather let Celestia go round and round mate to mate, century to century never holding the same life in her hooves? You want that to never end?

I shook my head. "Look, when I'm gone, you can give it to whoever she picks up next. She's a big girl, she can make up her own mind. And at some point we'd fight and break it off--"

And? Two unaging ponies could part however many times they wanted, I guarantee it all comes back together. Look at Sombra, look at the Headless mare, look at Luna, look at Merlin and Tyros, Melik, Frost, I could go--

"Look...just fuck off. I'm not doing it."

We stood off a bit the whirling of the doorway grew a bit repetitive. Just a little. Just let me keep you from aging.

"Fuck you!"

The doorway sent out a bolt to grab my leg. It wrapped around my knee. Look, I'll leave it to where you can be killed...just let me--

"Fuck off!" I fell onto my ass as the arm started pulling me into the glowing doorway. "Let someone else do it!" I held onto the frame as the creature dragged me in towards the light. "No!"

Really...do it for her! Do you have any idea how much she'd love it to have somepony at least more durable than--

I reached for my rifle and pressed it into my mouth. "Fuck yo--"

***

I woke up on the floor before the door. A note rested on my chest. Undying until a mare of the sun decides to end you.

Below it was something more earnestly scribbled. Go ahead, shoot yourself. You'll be back. The princess decides when you go! Don't be a bitch.

I tossed the note away. I felt energetic. Like my back no longer hurt, like my eyes were more focused, like my beard was softer, like I was younger. "Aw what the fuck?" I stood up and ducked back down to look in the highly polished floor. My face was twisted up and fresh. My hair looked darker, my skin pale and smooth. "Are you fucking kidding me!?"

I pulled a pistol from my side and jammed it against my head. "Fuck off--"

I opened my eyes, on the floor exactly where I was just crouched down. I frowned hard and found a single casing rolling around under my arm. "Fuck." I sighed heavily. "And she's too much of a pussy to actually kill me...and I just-- Fuck!" I sat upright and sighed. I looked up at the door. "Wait, so if she dies, what happens?!"

The door creeped open. I was supposed to just-- Why'd I even leave a note!? You can't kill yourself, anypony else does, you're in the ground, so calm down and go--

I hopped up and slammed into the door, knocking it shut with my shoulder. "Screw you!" I stumbled back and straightened out. "God damn it...." I huffed and lowered my head. "Great.... Fucking magic bullshit." I turned towards the stairs. I was gonna have some serious story to tell Celestia.

***

Celestia sighed heavily. "So you're like me now?"

I huffed. "Yeah...."

Celestia groaned loudly and sat upright. "I'm so tired right now.... Able, what do you want me to do?"

I rubbed my forehead. "I don't know. You wanna grab some tea and go to sleep?"

Celestia turned her head to me. "I mean if you want to d-- Tea?"

I held my arms out. "I'm here, for a long haul apparently."

Celestia stared at me. "...You said you didn't want thi--"

"I don't care at this point. Like I told the asshole, I just want you to be happy."

Celestia's right eye watered slightly. "I was happy before this--"

"Well are you more happy now?" I asked calmly.

Celestia dabbed her eye with her fetlock. "Um, happy.... No, a bit touched."

I shrugged. "Close enough." I stood up and looked towards the door. "So do you want tea? I'll go grab tea...."

Celestia coughed roughly. "Able...I--"

I turned to face her. "Look at me, right here." I pointed to my eyes. "Don't say thank you, don't get all mushy, nothings changed."

Celestia trotted in place a little. "A lot has changed--"

"Nothing has changed." I shook my head slowly. "Not a thing."

Celestia's mouth hung open ever so softly. "...I wanna be mushy right now.... Hug--"

"No hugs." I walked out into the hall. I waited there a bit, then started off towards the stairs down. "I don't do mushy hug--" A flash later and Celestia was standing before me, a small divot was caved where her hooves had displaced the floor. "Don't!"

Celestia wrapped a hoof around me and yanked me against her. "Stop me." She nuzzled the back of my head and held me close. She made a strange cooing noise as she rubbed me. "Thank you Able."

"God damn it." I slipped down and out of her grip. "Someone had to. It was either gonna be me or Sombra, and that dude took it in the ass like a champ."

Ponies Don't Understand RPGs

I sat with a few guards in some flat land in the Canter Mountains. A pony with a camera was sitting taking video as we demonstrated a new weapon. "Alright, RPG Q-3! Lightweight high explosive warhead! Its built by Celestia's finest to punch straight through dragon skin and concrete." I picked up the launched and held it up. It was a long rectangular tube with a harness on the side. "You would mount this up onto the side of a pony, and set up the firing system."

I walked it over to a pony waiting calmly towards the range. He looked up at me as I slid the harness over his side and pulled it tight until it settled in on his withers. A small sight popped to the side and over the pony's eye. "Alright, see this. That's your distance and aim." I pointed to the sight as the pony with the camera walked over.

He filmed the pony as he stood still and looked down the range. I looked over towards a heavily padded cased by the pony's side. "Alright, Dommy, show them the firing system." I walked around the ponies, my boots crunching the gravel of the range. I walked over and found the warhead stuffed in layer after layer of padding. I dug it out and looked it over.

The pony with the camera turned to me and looked at the warhead. "Alright, simply put this here is the business end!" I pointed to the head of the blue painted death machine. "You'd load it as such." I walked over to the pony's side and slid it straight back into the launcher. "Live ordnance!" I felt it snap back into place. "You getting this?" I looked to the camera. "Ready to fire!"

Dommy yelled back, "ready to fire!" He turned his hoof and sent the rocket puttering out of the tube. It landed just down the hill and started rolling down.

I jumped back and started yelling. "Whoa fuck!" Everyone at the range scrambled back as the failed launch fell in a ditch and sat there hissing. "Fuck fuck fuck!" I started laughing as I followed the ponies towards a wall in the range.

Ponies didn't seem to understand the launch aspect of making a grenade.

Celestia Gets A Tick

I walked towards the main castle hall. A crowd of ponies, a few of which I recognized, were standing in a large line near the edge of the main floor. Shining Armor turned to look at me. I nodded at him. "Sup?" A loud chanting ow flittered past the wall of ponies as Celestia's mane zipped past. "Whoa...what happened?"

Shining looked back as Celestia took a curve and started zipping along towards the way she came. "Celestia has a tick...on the base of her tail."

"Hmm." I dug my hands out of my pockets and rubbed my chin. "And?"

Shining huffed and turned around as Celestia did another pass. "She won't let anypony get it out, and she cant get it out herself."

I walked up next to him and started pushing my way into the front of the crowd. "Well what's she doin-- Oh wow." I watched as Celestia dragged her ass across the main hall floor like a dog. Her back legs were hung up in the air while she paddled herself down the hall with her forelegs. "Wow...and that's my girlfriend...." I licked my lips and looked down at the floor. "Wow, like a dog man."

Celestia's eyes were jammed shut, her tail was dragging over the floor and her head was pointed straight up as she chanted. "Ow ow ow ow ow owwie!" She scooted past me, not even bothering to say anything as she tried to clear her ass of the tick. "Ow-owowow!"

I turned to look at Shining armor. "Has anyone tried to get it out?"

Shining nodded slowly. "She kicked a servant in the mouth when they tried to pull it out."

"On purpo--"

"No, not on purpose!" Shining jutted his head towards me. "Why would you say that!?"

I shrugged and watched as she took another lap, up to her throne and back down the hall to the doors. "Because right now, my mare--"

"She's not your mare. You're her...whatever you are." Shining waggled his hoof at me. "Don't act like you own--"

I stared down at Shining. "Its a fucking phrase you ass nickle. But she is acting like a dog okay? Shit is weird already." I put my hands on my hips. "Can you go find me some tweezers and a matchbook?"

Shining cocked his head. "Matchbook--"

"Trust me?" I pointed to Celestia as she started whimpering and dragged past. "We don't really have time to argue."

Shining shook his head. His mane shook out against my thigh. "I don't think this is a good idea."

I shrugged. "I don't think the sun goddess should be acting like a dog. Now are you gonna go get what I need, or are we gonna watch this all day?"

Shining sighed heavily and lowered his head. "I'll get the stuff." He plodded off and bumped into Luna as she started walking towards me.

"Able...son of.... I don't know where you're from." She rubbed her frazzled head and snorted back some snot. "What's going on?" She flicked her tail, sending a few stray hairs into the air. "So much noise."

I shrugged and pointed to Celestia. "She's got a tick on the underside of her tail. Probably right next to her asshole." I scratched the base of my spine. "Probably hurts pretty--pretty--pretty bad."

Luna rubbed her eyes and stretched her neck. "Again? This happened before I was ban--" Her neck popped loudly.

"Nice."

"Thank you." She stretched the other way and settled herself. "But this happened just before I was banished, she got a tick and the guard had to pin her to the ground while somepony pulled it out."

I huffed. "Well you feel like powerslamming your sister?"

Luna stared down at me, burning a hole into my right eye. "Yes...."

"Perfect. Fucking give her the floor." I held my arm out and pushed a few ponies aside. "Royal bodyslam, do it mare."

Luna took a deep breath and waited for Celestia to line up with her clearing. Celestia scooted into her path and caught a body check to the withers. "Whoa shit!" I held my arms up. "Holy crap, that was like a linebacker!" I laughed as Luna and Celestia tumbled into one of the pillars. The foundation shook as ponies bolted away. "Oh my god, fucking kill her!"

Shining ran back over and skidded to a stop at my side. "What happened!? I left for five minutes!"

"Royal wrestling." I stuck my hand out and felt him press the matches and the tweezers into it. "Sun verses sleepless moon." I got ready and walked out into the center of the hall. Celestia was screaming her head off as she was pressed against the ground.

"Luna, I will send you to the moon again if you don't get off!" She clenched her teeth and tried to push upright. "Luna! It itches so damned bad, now get off and call the guard!"

I walked around behind the mares and got ready. "Holy crap, you're like a baby." I struck a match and held it on the tweezers. "Luna, hold her still."

Celestia started screaming as Luna pinned her legs. "Rape! They're raping your princess, stop them! Stop them!"

I ducked down and ate the match. I got a slight burn but the tweazers were ready. I grabbed the base of Celestia's tail and yanked it upright. "Stop whining. You're the leader of a nation, now act like it!" I spotted a large black tick right on the inner curve of the base of her tail. "Oh man, that's in in there good." It was wedged right in the deepest part of her dock, and right above the small area where her tail met the rest of her. "Oh Jesus, that's rough."

"Able I'm going to drown you in your sleep if you touch me!" Celestia tried to kick her legs out, but Luna was standing dead on each of her hooves. "Able stop it! Stop!"

I forced her tail up and carefully brought the tweezers towards her tail. "Don't move."

"Able stop it! I'll kill every human in Equestria if you don't let me go!" She growled a high pitch growl and struggled. "I will explode the sun!"

"No you wont." I touched the tip of the tick, causing it to wiggle. "Just hold still."

Celestia held her breath and stopped moving. I managed to grab the base of the tick and gave it a slow pull. I could see the muscles in her leg start to tighten as I pulled the tick out of her. "Luna she's gonna try and kick me when I let go--"

"I'm not!" Celestia shrieked, her forelegs scraped against the ground as she moved. "You don't know me!"

"Such a baby." I plucked the tick away and crushed it between the tweezers. A tiny orangish globual dripped out. "Eugh...." I rolled backwards and got upright. "Done, that's all." I tossed the tick into a planter and watched as Luna tried to let go.

Celestia sprang upright and sprinted away. Luna stumbled sideways and slid across the castle floor. "Buck fuck shit!" Celestia ran to the throne and to the door. "Ow! Mother-- ow!" She slowed to a high gait and walked back towards me. "Able I hate you!"

I shrugged. "Everyone else does. You act like its special."

Celestia huffed and puffed while Luna got back onto all fours. She shook her head and fixed her mane. "I'm going to go back to sleep. Enjoy your day." She nodded curtly and headed off.

Celestia took one more lap before popping her tail up and walking up to me. She glared at me. "You're an ass."

"You want a bandage?"

Celestia whimpered and looked back at her tail. "It really really itches, really bad."

I nodded. "I'll go get a bandage--"

"And a pillow...throne pillow please." She shook her body and looked around the castle hall. "...Back to court everypony.... Sorry, sorry about that. Court is back in session...."

I looked out the window, the sun felt lower than normal. "Uh, you might want to fix the sun, seems like you skipped a few hours--"

Celestia popped upright and turned to me. "Able's right! Call it a day, we'll call today a mulligan and get some rest, try it again tomorrow." She lit up her horn and the sun zipped over to the west. The world grew a bit reddish as she set the sun at one PM. "Sorry everypony, false start! Tell my subjects! Couriers, criers...take care of this."

She trotted up to me and swept her wing behind me. "Able, tell nopony about this--"

"I don't need to. You did this in public."

Celestia swatted my ass with her wing. "Lies, slander and lies!" She swatted my ass again. "Now run a bath...my ass hurts so bad, I just wanna float for a while."

I looked up at her as I plodded along. "You control the sun...remember that. You are arguably one of the most important ponies on the planet...but you just ran around your castle like a dog with shit stuck to it tail." I nodded at her and stepped away from her wing. "All because of a tick--"

"Did you see where it was?!" Celestia swung around and bashed a maid with her flank. "Let me put something itchy and sharp right on your spine, see how you like it!"

I shook my head. "I don't control the sun--"

"You want to!? You wanna switch jobs for a while!? I could do what you do, I could yell at ponies and sit around all day, no problem!" Celestia stomped her hoof. "My day has been hard okay! And I can't--"

"You want me to go get that bandage or what?"

Celestia opened her mouth and let out a whimper. "Please...." She scratched the floor with her foreleg. "It really hurts."

"I'm sure. But you're acting like a baby." I turned to the hall deeper into the castle. Luna was standing just before me, eyes with the look of death about them. "Whoa...shit."

Luna slowly put a hoof on my upper arm and moved me away. "Where'd the sun go?"

Shit Gets Lit on Fire

"Extinguisher!" I screamed as I ran down the main hall towards the pillar where they'd installed one. "Fuck fuck fuck!" I did a little prance as I bled away my momentum. "Shit!" I took a sharp turn and found the bright red device strapped to a pillar. A maid was calmly dusting it. "Bitch move!"

The maid popped upright and stepped away as I slammed into the pillar and rolled towards the extinguisher. "Able? What hap--"

"Fire, dipshit!" I yanked the extinguisher away and started bolting back to the banners. "Fucking fuck my fuckity shit fuck!" My shoes squeaked as I ran, the marble floor deciding to make me sprint as comedic as possible. "Clown shoe fucking ah!" I ignored it and ran towards the flaming banner wafting around the room.

A match thrown in a planter had managed to start a fire and toss embers up to a banner. "Mother-- god damn it!" I fumbled with the extinguisher and looked down at it. "Oh what the fuck?!" I held it out, and all I could find was the pin. The levers were deformed into overly large hoof things. I looked up at the fiery banner waving overhead. "Fuck you fire! You prick!"

I let out a legitimately nervous groan and looked around. "Why am I the only one in here!? Medic! Medic!"

***

I watched from one of the halls, a few of my guards at my side. One scratched the floor. "Ma'am...shouldn't we help?"

I shook my head and pursed me lips. "No, let him squirm." I giggled gently and watched as the fire spread up the banner, Able completely unable to stop it. "No, I'm quite happy with this."

The guards peeked in at the fire. "Won't the castle--"

"Fireproof," I corrected. "After an accident where I got a little mad, I had it fireproofed." I looked down at my guards. "Did you know I actually had a moment where I was something like Nightmare Moon? I spat fire and almost burned the castle down."

The guards' eyes opened wide. "Ma'am?"

I smiled at them and shook my head. "Nothing my little ponies." I lowered my horn and gave each of them a quick tap on the head. The wobbled slightly before snapping back to. I cleared my throat. "Oh no, Able seems to have caught the castle on fire!"

The guards jumped to and bolted out into the main hall to help.

I turned around and started giggling. "Oh dear, that was mean. Feels good though."