Team Friendship 2

by W9001PILLSHERE

Rating: everyone
Tags: Crossover, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Main 6, Other, Comedy, Random
Length: 12473

Well, ism't it obvious? Team Fortress 2/MLP mix.

Some crazy s*** goes down in 2Fort and the nine mercenaries end up in Ponyville, much to the displeasure of a certain Boston baseball fan not willing to walk the path of the pony until he meets a certain rainbow-maned and tailed pegasus. From there, it's 9 crazy adventures, followed by an epic battle against the world's strongest Austrailian.

Published 2012-05-10 00:44:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-06-14 20:13:03 UTC

Just Another Day?

It was a normal day on 2Fort, with the Reds out and about doing whatever they desired. It was August 11, the one day a year (aside from major holidays) that the Reds and Blus could settle their differences, and have a day of temporary ceasefire. Scout was busy practicing his baseball skill. Soldier was fighting the birds, yelling at them to get down and fight like men. Pyro was using a brand new lighter she received from home. Demoman was experimenting with new explosives, trying to make a bomb with new explosive power of alcohol, a new power recently developed by Mann Co, with minor modifications. Heavy was complimenting his guns, by telling them how they all did very good jobs. Engineer was working on new blueprints. Sniper was taking practice shots with each sniper rifle to make sure he could make accurate shots from longer distances than normal. Medic was in his lab working on medical experiments with his birds. Spy was working on new disguises to fool even the best of detectives. The Blus were doing the same, with different results. So, Red Engineer was hard at work with a new project with blueprints he developed five seconds ago. He was done in ten seconds. He announced over the intercom,

Engineer: All Red team personnel, please report to the laboratories. I have a new invention I'd like to showcase."
Within a few minutes (With the soldier reluctantly giving up his fight against the birds, vowing vengeance), Everyone was in the same room with the Engineer's creation.

Engineer: Now, I've called you all here today to show you a brand new invention. It's a teleporter that can transfer us between dimensions.

Scout: And how is this supposed to help us kill Blus?

Engineer: I'm glad you asked. Now using the scientific method, I've discovered that the Blu intel room is just an exact copy of ours, only in another dimension.

Scout: How the hell is that possible?

Sniper: Fascinatin'... Course, I ain't one to wander in the intellectual fields.

Soldier: If it means destroying those Blue scumbags, I'm all for it.

Engineer: Alright then, who's gonna try it first?

Scout: Is it guaranteed to get someone there safely?

Engineer: 99.99% guaranteed.

Scout: Good enough for me. Send me' and I'll be back in 20 seconds or less.

Engineer: Go for it. We'll be waitin'.
Scout stepped in, and it started whirling and flashing. In a few seconds, he was gone. He got his head straight and realized he was in the Blu intel room.

Scout: (thought): The hardhat was right. Unbelievable. Now, time to win a wager.
Scout grabbed the briefcase, and, since it was the day off, the alarms weren't triggered. He made it back to the base in record time of 19.5 seconds.

Engineer: Well I'm be derned. You made it.

Scout: Like I said, 20 seconds or less.

Demoman: Think you could get me to the scrumpy store, lad?

Engineer: I guess.

Demoman: Great!

Spy: Gentlemen. Can anyone say Dimension Trip?

All: Dimension Trip!

Engineer: Pile in, everyone!
The machine started whirling and glowing like before,and everyone vanished. Only, after it stopped, a Blu spy uncloaked himself in the room.

Spy: A teleporter? Well, time to murder some toys.

End of Chapter

Just Another Day? Another Dimension

Meanwhile, in Ponyville, it was a regular day too. Everypony was busy with something, doing whatever there was to be done. Twilight with her studies, Fluttershy her animals, Pinkie her parties, Applejack with harvesting, and Rarity with her dresses. Only Rainbow Dash was not doing anything, having been given the day off by the cloud patrol. Everypony was nonchalant, until out of nowhere, a massive beam of light appeared in the center of town. Then, a strange device slowly descended down from the light beam while everypony looked on in awe. Twilight and her friends raced there as fast as their legs could carry them. When they made it, they found a large chamber with a big door.

Twilight: What in Equestria is that?

Rarity: Could be anything. I hope whatever it is, it's beautiful.

Fluttershy: I hope it's something for the animals.

Applejack: An alien device to help with harvesting... maybe from Ellis.

Pinkie: Oooh, I hope it's a big party invitation!!!

Rainbow: Or a new entrance for the wonderbolts!
Everypony anxiously awaited to see what was on the other side of the chamber door. The latches one by one came undone, revealing nine silhouettes.

Twilight: (thought) More humans? maybe with a message from Ellis...
When the smoke cleared, Engineer stepped outside and breathed in the fresh air.

Engineer: This place seems more homely than back home! Now where in blazes are we?
He looked around and saw nothing but horses, some with wings, others with horns, and some regular.

Engineer: What the hell?

Twilight: Are you friends of Ellis?

Engineer: Ah!
Engineer was completely caught off guard at the mere thought of a talking horse.

Engineer: (thought) Horses can't talk! This is some kinda messed up dream... maybe i oughta lay off the alcohol for a while.

Scout: What's the matter, Hardhat? Where are we?

Engineer: We seem to have ended up in a village of... talking horses.

All: What?!?!?!?!?!?

Engineer: I know it sounds real weird, but it's true. take a look fer yerselves.
They all stepped outside, and sure enough, they were surrounded by horses.

Twilight: Do any of you know Ellis?

All: Ah!
Engineer was right. These horses could talk! Sniper was the only one who dared to speak.

Sniper: Sorry, ma'am. 'fraid none of us know this Ellis fella. Ya don't mind me askin' where the bloody hell are we?

Twilight: This is Ponyville.

Sniper: Ponyville?! Where in the name of the queen is that?

Twilight: In Equestria.

Sniper: Equstria!?!?!?

Twilight: (thought) They must be from Ellis' world.

Twilight: I don't know how to explain this, but it appears you've mysteriously arrived here like another human who came here about a year ago. Did you recently come here from fighting zombies?

Engineer: No, there was no zombies where we came from.

Twilight: But... How can that be? Ellis had been fighting for his life from undead humans.

Engineer: Well, he must'a been from a different dimension than us. That's how we got here, dimensional transport.

Twilight: We need to have a serious talk. End of Chapter

Teleporter Down!

With the mercenaries examining the suspicious surroundings, Each had their own unique ideas about what it was.

Scout: Ponies. Of all things, why God damn ponies?

Soldier: This isn't right. These horses should be in a zoo. Or on a farm.

Pyro: Mmmphhh!!!!!

Demoman: For the luva bloody 'ell, there'd better be alcohol...

Heavy: Tiny baby ponies. Now this is surprise.

Engineer: Well I'll be darned. Who woulda thought of a talkin' horse?

Sniper: These ponies seem normal, 'side from the fact that they can bloody talk!!

Medic: So many failed horse experiments, so little time... Horses are like birds, right? Of course they are.

Spy: These ponies are the most elaborate trick I've ever seen.
However, there was also one common theme surrounding everyone's thoughts.

All: The Blus. I bet they're behind this.
For a minute or so, everyone and everypony sort of just stood in a stunned silenced. The ponies had met Ellis before, but these were nine new humans from a completely different universe. Who were they, and where did they come from?

Twilight: So, where exactly are you from, who exactly are you, and what did you do before you came here?
Engineer knew the perfect response:

Engineer: Look, buddy. I'm an engineer. That means I solve problems. Not problems like what is beauty, because that would fall within the perview of the conundrums of your philosophy.

Twilight: What?

Engineer: I solve practical problems. For instance, how am I gonna stop some big mean mother humper from tearin' me a structurally superfluous new beehind?

Twilight:...

Engineer: The answer- use a gun. And if that don't work, use more gun.

Twilight: Okay then. Welcome to Ponyville. I'm Twilight Sparkle.

Engineer: Nice to meet ya, Miss Sparkle.

Twilight: Oh please, call me Twilight. Now, could you explain to us how you all got here?

Engineer: I'm not exactly sure myself. We were about to go dimension hopping, and we ended up here. Only thing is, this wasn't our pre-selected destination. I think I may know what have happened. Ah-ha! I knew it. Looks like the Blus were in no mood to take the day off. This here is a part of a sapper. A Blu spy musta snuck into our base earlier and our alarms didn't go off because of deactivation peace protocol! Dammit! Now we're stuck here til I can fix this thang. Ya'll can keep us for a while, right?

Twilight: I suppose my friends and I could house you for a while... It would give me an opportunity to get more research on humans in! I have two rooms available at my library.

Apple Jack: I spose we could let this guy and his machine stay at Sweet Apple Acres.

Engineer: Much obliged, Miss...

Apple Jack: Call me Apple Jack, AJ for short.

Fluttershy: I've got an open room at my cottage... Hey! Are you a doctor?

Medic: Yes.

Fluttershy: Great! Could you stay with me and help some of my animals? A lot have been sick lately.

Medic: I suppose.

Fluttershy: Thanks.

Rarity: Well, my parents are away, so i have two open rooms at the boutique... I'll take the guy with the mask. And also, I suppose, the big guy.

Spy and Heavy: Thank you.

Pinkie: And what's your name?

Pyro: Mmmaammppph.

Pinkie: Ha ha ha! You talk funny. You're coming to Sugar Cube Corner with me.

Rainbow Dash: I always have two open rooms just in case. I'll take skinny legs and Mr. Eyepatch.

Scout: You have got to be kidding. I hate ponies.
Sniper decided to teach Scout a little respect by hitting him in the back of the head with his kukri.

Sniper: Really don't have much of a choice, mate.

Scout: Owww... Alright, fine. I'll stay with the rainbow.

Twilight: So that leaves me with these two.

Soldier: I look forward to staying with you and your library.
` Sniper: (whispering to Twilight) Don't mind him, he's just a little crazy about war.

END OF CHAPTER

Adventure 1: Magic and Skill

With living arrangements set, some classes decided to explore while others decided to learn through the ponies. As such, Sniper and Twilight headed for the library.

Sniper: So who was this Ellis fella' you were askin' about?

Twilight: He was another human who came right from... a zombie apocalypse.

Sniper: Zombies, eh? That doesn't sound good.

Twilight: I still have occasional nightmares about it.

Sniper: Why wouldn't you? The end of the world doesn't happen every day.

Twilight: (laughs) I suppose not.

Sniper: So anyway, this world is made of only horses?

Twilight: We're actually ponies. Not horses.

Sniper: Never knew there was a difference. Anyway, so, do you have any sort of government?

Twilight: We all live under the protection of Princess Celestia and her sister Princess Luna.

Sniper: I see. And I couldn't help but notice that some of ya have horns such as yaself and others wings like that rainbow one, and others, neither, like that pink one who seems to be able to do the impossible.

Twilight: There are four species of ponies: Earth ponies, unicorns, pegasi and alicorns. Pinkie Pie is an Earth pony, who, even without wings or magic, have a history of hard work going for them. Rainbow Dash is a Pegasus, ponies with wings. Not only that, but she's one of the fastest fliers in Equestria. And I'm a unicorn, which are marked by horns and a vast knowledge.

Sniper: Hard to believe a world like this even exists.

Twilight: Not for us.

Sniper: Whatever. You have any questions for me?

Twilight: I couldn't help but notice in your bag-
Side note: Each class decided to take some weapons with them, just in case.

Twilight: You had several strange looking things. What were those?

Sniper: Well, I'm a professional assassin, and those are my tools, know as sniper rifles.
Twilight was taken aback at the mention of "professional assassin". Did that means he was a psychotic killer?

Twilight: Well, that's interesting.

Sniper: My parents think I'm a crazed gunman, but i get paid money to take out specific targets. You know, a mercenary.

Twilight: Oh, okay. I was worried there for a minute.

Sniper: Never really hurt anyone 'less I need to or they're one of my targets.

Twilight: What about those jars? and the shield?

Sniper: Well, the liquid in the jar makes my targets more vulnerable to damage, should the need arise to get up close and personal during a fight. The shield... You remember the masked guy?

Twilight: Yeah, what about him?

Sniper: Well, there are people like him, only they're blue and not my friends. They carry deadly knives, which, with a stab in the correct spot in the back, is an instant kill. This shield protects me from a single stab, but also alerts me with a loud tone whenever it gets destroyed, followed by a dead Blu spoi.

Twilight: Fascinating.

Sniper: I'm also quite handy with a bow and arrow.

Twilight: I see... Look at that. This is my library.
Sniper looked up and saw the library in it's full splendor.

Sniper: And I thought livin' in a van was startin' to seem ridiculous.
Twilight: You'll have to meet my assistant, Spike. He's a dragon-

Sniper: Whoa, whoa, whoa! A dragon!?

Twilight: It's okay. He's just a baby, he can't hurt anyone.

Sniper: Alright, then. I trust ya, if that's what you say...

Spike: Hey Twi, what was that light-
Spike suddenly dropped his tray and saw Sniper looking right at him.

Spike: Another human?

Twilight: That's right. And there are nine others in town.
Spike couldn't even begin to comprehend, so he decided fainting was an easier way out.

Adventure 2: Honesty and Integrity

Engineer and Apple Jack were both heading towards Sweet Apple Acres with the teleporter in tow (thanks to Twilight and Rarity, with assistance from a massive wagon). They both had so many questions, but neither seemed willing to break the ice. Then finally, Engineer spoke up:

Engineer: So, I take it cuz of your accent, your from down south?

Apple Jack: We're headin' south right now.

Engineer: Well, since this place is different, I'm not sure my calculations can be accurate...

Apple Jack: Aw, don't muddy the issue with yer fancy mathematics. We're simple creatures. I'm from right here in Ponyville. I didn't exactly enjoy the thought of bein' a farmer, so I moved to Manehattan.

Engineer: Please tell me mah ears all still workin'. Did you just say Manehattan?

Apple Jack: Yeah, why?

Engineer: Well, back home, we have a city called Manhattan.

Apple Jack: Well ain't that a coincidence.

Engineer: I suppose.

Apple Jack: After bein' unable to adapt to city life, I came home.

Engineer: That's all fine and dandy. Now, you have any tools?

Apple Jack: Well, we have a saw, paint, and a hammer.

Engineer: I'm not sure, but that should be enough for me to fix this thing in about a week with eight hour work days. Funny, took me ten seconds to build the darn thing.

Apple Jack: Ten seconds? Some Engineer you must be.

Engineer: Yer darn tootin'! I can also quickly assemble automatic weapon turrets and supply buildings when necessary.

Apple Jack: Wow. We don't have many weapons here in Equestria, mostly just spears for the Canterlot Royal Guard.

Engineer: If that's it, then my dimension has quite the significant lead in weaponry.

Apple Jack: Yeah, well that's for a few reasons: Most ponies are peaceful folk, not one to rush to violence. We also have magic jewels called the Elements of Harmony, which me and mah friends used to defeat two of the biggest threats to Equestria ever.

Engineer: I don't understand this and I'm gonna assume that this is just an alcohol induced dream, but if not, then I'm just gonna go with it.

Apple Jack: Well, we're here.
Engineer took a look at the big red barn and started writing some notes.

Apple Jack: What in hay are you doin'?

Engineer: If I take some extra time to work, I can make some minor modifications to yer barn to make life easier. Hell, you'll still have work to do aplenty with all those apples, but everything else'll be a breeze.

Apple Jack: Why, Thank ya kindly, but if it's askin' to much of ya, I will insist you stop.

Engineer: It's no trouble at all, AJ.

Apple Jack: Well, I better introduce ya to the family. Apple Bloom! Big Mac! Granny Smith! We have a guest.
Apple Bloom was the first one out.

Apple Bloom: Sis, who is this gu-
She dropped silent at the sight of the Engineer.

Apple Bloom: Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh! Another human!

Apple Jack: Apple Bloom, be polite! This is my friend, the Engineer.

Engineer: Pleased to meet ya.

Granny Smith: Well Howdy! My, another of these funny lookin' tall fellers. Never thought I'd see the day where another one of these fellers came back.

Big Mac: Welcome to Sweet Apple Acres, home to the best apples in all of Equestria.

Engineer: Well, It's mighty nice to meet ya'll. I've got some work to do, but I'll start tomorrow.

Adventure 3: Kindness and Healing

Fluttershy was very excited that there was a new human here, and on top of it one who was experienced in medical care from another dimension!

Fluttershy: So, what kind of a doctor are you?

Medic: Well, I'm a field medic, mostly. I heal my teammates in combat when they get injured.

Fluttershy: Oh my. Well, like I said, some of my birds are sick. Do you think you can help them?

Medic: I could take a look, diagnose the problem and tell you how to make them better, or if necessary take care of it myself.

Fluttershy: Oh why thank you so very much. Oh, and, um, I couldn't help but, um, notice that you talk differently then Ellis. And I was wondering what that was about, if you don't mind me asking.

Medic: Well, what did he sound like?

Fluttershy: He talked in a very strange way, shortening words with a voice somewhat like Apple Jack's.

Medic: I suppose that your friend Ellis was from the southern United States, whereas I am from a place called Germany.

Fluttershy: What's the difference?

Medic: Well, America is divided up into fifty states with multiple cities, whereas Germany is just one country with 13 sections. Unfortunately, Germany's history is not a pretty one, but we've cleaned up quite a bit, including advancements in medical technology.

Fluttershy: I see. What happened in Germany that was so horrible?

Medic: Well, back in the 1930's and 40's, there was a very bad man who hated a large group of people so much, he planned to kill each and every one of them.
Fluttershy was completely unprepared for this, and fainted.

Medic: Whoops. Well, it seems like that cottage of her's is just up the road...
Medic lifted Fluttershy off the ground and carried her like a baby when he noticed something he hadn't noticed yet. Her wings.

Medic: Wings? I didn't notice those. Oh, the possibilities of experiments that can be made in this world!
Slowly, Fluttershy's eyes opened, and Medic put her down.

Fluttershy: Oh, I'm sorry, I just wasn't expecting something that awful. But who could be so horrible as to want to destroy an entire group of people? And was he successful?

Medic: Er...

Fluttershy: Fluttershy.

Medic: Fluttershy. This man was downright insane. He did manage to become the leader of Germany and was one-third of the way through with his plan before his enemies were closing in on him and he killed himself.
Unable to take anything from this sentence caused Fluttershy to faint again.

Medic: Uh. A sensitive one she is.
So, passed out again, Medic carried Fluttershy.

Medic: I should probably be careful as to what I say next.

Fluttershy: Not again. I'm really sorry.

Medic: That's alright, some people from where I'm from can't handle this either.

Fluttershy: So how did this bad man come to power?

Medic: Some crazy things can happen when a country suffers a loss of a major world war. This man helped his people find someone to blame the loss and various depressions on.

Fluttershy: I'm so scared right now. Oh, there's my cottage.

Medic: Well, I hope you enjoyed this little history lesson, because you're about to get a lesson in the field of medicine. Let me see your birds.

Fluttershy: Follow me.
Medic followed Fluttershy to a room towards the back, full of birds asleep in beds.

Fluttershy: I've never seen anything like it. Nothing I try works.

Medic: Do you know what could have caused it? Rule one of medicine: the cause is the first step to the cure.

Fluttershy: Well, my chicken's best friend, the rooster, came down with it shortly after some fillies known as the Cutie Mark Crusaders rescued it from the Everfree forest.

Medic: Show me this forest.

Fluttershy: Well, all things considered, the Everfree forest is a walk into town now.
Medic followed Fluttershy into the entrance of the Everfree forest.

Medic: Amazing. This forest seems very strange.

Fluttershy: A lot of ponies say it's different then the rest of Equestria.

Medic: I see. Did these... what were they again?

Fluttershy: I'll explain it later. Anyway, we found him frozen by a cockatrice in the forest. Nothing seemed out of place, at least not until a month ago.

Medic: I see. Well, we've seen enough. Let's return to the cottage.
After returning to the cottage...

Medic: You may want to wait outside. I've got some important tests to perform.

Fluttershy: But, I'm very good at tests. What kind of test?

Medic: Not the kind of test you're thinking. These tests should not be viewed by the faint of heart, and from what I've seen, you're in no condition to see them.

Fluttershy: Oh, okay. I'll wait.
Medic shut the door and began to work, with several strange tools. Fluttershy only caught flashes and glimpses of what was going on inside that room. And almost everything she saw she got sick at the sight of, or momentarily passed out, only to get up momentarily, and faint at the sight of something else. After about two hours of fainting, Medic finally emerged from the room to she Fluttershy half passed out on the floor, drooling and twitching.

Medic: Oh my. I warned you, little one.

Fluttershy: Uhhh.... Huh? Wha, what happened?

Medic: Well, I've determined the problem. Something in the cockatrice triggered a virus stored in the wings to escape to the rest of the body and slowly kill them over the course of about five years.
At the sound of this, Fluttershy fainted again.

Medic: Hopefully my comrades don't have to deal with this much passing out.
After Fluttershy woke up...

Fluttershy: Oh... So how do we get a cure?

Medic: According to my computer, I need something called... Alicorn nectar. Any idea where I could get some?

Fluttershy: I'll get Twilight to write a letter.

Author's Note: So yeah. Really long chapter. Really long chapter. Longer then I was hoping but good nonetheless. I got a complaint for short chapters so there. Hope you like it, working on the next few chapters over the next few days will hopefully finish by this time next week. This chapter is to all my great fans who waited ever so "paitient"ly for me to begin work on this.

Adventure 4: Loyalty and Baseball

Scout reluctantly followed Rainbow Dash back to her cloud home with Demoman in tow.

Scout: I can't believe this. Can't hardhat make something frickin' SAPPER-PROOF for once?!?!?!?

Demoman: So, ya got any alcohol? Preferably scrumpy?

Rainbow: Nah, I don't usually have any on me. Only when certain guests come over.

Demoman: Ah, bloody hell...

Scout: So what are you good at? Makin' rainbows pretty? No wait. Tea parties, love and sunshine. I'm great.

Rainbow: Watch it pal. You may be human, but I'm takin' you in, so some respect, thank you. And for information, I'm a speed expert.
Scout stopped still at hearing this.

Scout: Speed, huh? Well, I'm pretty fast myself.

Rainbow: Really? Well, how about a race?

Scout: You're on. But no wings.

Rainbow: Fine.

Scout: Yo, cyclops. You're the judge, man.

Demoman: Alright, just a sec. And, On yer marks, get set, GO!
The two took off at a breakneck speed. It was a very close race, the two neck and neck. Approaching the finish, They were still equal. Rainbow's house was just up ahead. In a few seconds, they both arrived in a cloud of large smoke. It was unclear who won.

Scout: I won! Ponies really are lame!

Rainbow: No way! I won!

Scout: Yo Cyclops! Who won?

Demoman: I was too drunk to tell Laddy, I dunno, Oh, here it comes.
Demoman let out a large belch, spun around a few times and then fell down.

Scout: Great. Now what? I've got it! We'll race again, but we'll both use boosters.

Rainbow: What booster could you have that could beat these babies?
Rainbow Dash pointed at her wings.

Scout: This little can of untamed energy right here.
Scout took out a red and yellow can and held it up in the air.

Rainbow: Soda. You're gonna beat me in a race with soda.

Scout: Oh you'll regret sayin' that pal. We race to the center a' town.
As the two lined up...

Scout: You'd better do the countdown, and I don't want no cheatin'.

Rainbow: My speciality is loyalty. I won't cheat ya.

Scout: Alright then.
Rainbow spread her wings and Scout took a big long swig of his BONK! atomic punch.

Rainbow: Ready, set, go!
Before Rainbow Dash could even begin to flap her wings, Scout took off in a blur of what used to be a man.

Rainbow:Wow. He wasn't kidding. But this is no time for distraction!
Rainbow Dash quickly followed suit, almost catching up with Scout, but falling just short of his trail.

Rainbow:Geez, he's fast! He really wasn't kidding. Time to go overdrive!

Scout: Oh no, he's catchin' up! And my Bonk is starting to wear off. Gotta run for it as fast as I can.
The two kept going as fast as they could, almost neck and neck. Then Rainbow Dash did the one thing she never thought she would've had to. She sped up to 88 miles, the fastest she'd ever gone. Then it happened. A massive explosion of colors going in every direction. A Sonic Rainboom.

Scout:What the hell. What the hell!
Dash flew ahead of Scout accelerating with every passing second. twenty seconds later, Scout arrived in town, finding Rainbow Dash with her hoof against a pole.

Rainbow: Took you long enough.

Scout: Alright, not bad dude. For a pony.

Rainbow: Dude? Dude?!?!? I'm a mare!!!!

Scout: And that means?

Rainbow: A mare is a female pony.
Said Rainbow Dash angrily, grinding her teeth.

Scout: Shit.
He pulled out his BONK and started drinking.

Scout:Dammit! Not much left. Gotta run. Running IS the best thing I do, aside from killin' Blus.

Scout's blur took off as fast as it could go.

Rainbow: Get back here, coward!
Scout kept running until his legs couldn't carry him anymore. He came crashing to a stop in the middle of the street. Dash was just behind.

Scout: Fine. I'm done. I give. Do what you want. I got no reason to keep going.

Dash: You know what? I can forgive you. Ellis made the same mistake before. So I learned my lesson.
She offered him a hoof up. As he grabbed it...

Scout: Thanks. I guess I could get used to this situation, if we're gonna be here and all. May be the brain damage talkin', but I think this is the start of a beeyootiful friendship of speed.

Dash: Yeah. Maybe you're right... Uh...

Scout: Scout's the name, and, obviously, speed's my game.

Dash: Nice to meet ya.

Adventure 5: Generosity and Deception

Rarity: So. Mr...

Spy: Call me spy, ms...

Rarity: Rarity. I'm Rarity.

Spy: Rarity. Very well, what was it you were going to say?

Rarity: Ah, yes. How come you're wearing that suit? The other eight aren't dressed nearly as nicely.

Spy: Well, this is just how I work.

Rarity: And why are you wearing that mask?

Spy: This is to make sure no one knows who I am. In fact, I haven't seen my own face in over a year.

Rarity: I see. Well, would you mind, taking off the mask? For me?
Rarity started a gaze she reserved for when she desperately wanted something from another pony. Unable to resist, Spy reluctantly and slowly pulled off his mask.

Rarity: Oh my. You're... gorgeous!

Spy: Thanks.
The angels were singing and the light from heaven itself was shining down on Spy. Unable to not notice this, Heavy stepped in from the other room.

Heavy: Spy, what was- oh!! Spy's face is naked!
Embarrassed and humiliated, Spy quickly put his mask back, while the heavy was so overtaken with sheer beauty that he fainted.

Spy: I probably should have mentioned that my face is a registered lethal weapon in almost every state of the United States as well as all of Europe, Asia and Australia.

Rarity: Not only do you have the most charming accent, but you've got the face to go with it! Ahhh!
Rarity passed out. Meanwhile...

Medic: Hm?

Fluttershy: Is everything alright?

Medic: Yes, but I can't help but feel that somewhere, someone just made one of my teammates faint.
Back to the current chapter...

Rarity: Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I just got a little overwhelmed.

Spy: But of course. No one has ever seen my face and lived to tell the tale. I can accept you because you're harmless and that's my teammate, so I don't want to go rogue.

Rarity: I see. Anyway, tell me more about yourself.

Spy: Very well. I am a professional when it comes to murder. Every kill I make, I never get caught by the authorities. And that's all thanks to the tools of the trade.
Spy spilled the contents of his bag onto an empty desk.

Rarity: What are these little trinkets?

Spy: These are my weapons. This is my revolver. A gun, fires small objects that can mortally wound almost any living thing it hits.

Rarity: Oh my.

Spy: This is my sapper. This allows me to stealthily take out enemy support structure built by that illiterate southerner.

Rarity: This looks like a knife.

Spy: It's called a butterfly knife because of it's unique design. This knife can kill a man from behind instantly.

Rarity: Fascinating. And this?

Spy: This is my disguise kit. I use a cigarette case because I smoke them and I can change myself to look like any of my colleagues in either red or blue.

Rarity: How do they tell?

Spy: All they see is a cardboard mask. The enemy sees me as one of them though.

Rarity: And what are these?

Spy: These are my invisi-watches. They allow me to cloak myself temporarily and then uncloak when it needs to recharge or I uncloak manually.

Rarity: Why would you want to take off a cloak? You'd look fabulous.

Spy: Allow me to demonstrate. This watch, known as the Cloak and Dagger, is motion sensitive, so it only drains when I move.
As such, Spy activated the watch and disappeared in front of Rarity.

Rarity: Wha! Where did you go?!?!?!

Spy: Right behind you.
As if on cue, Rarity turned around to a strange noise and saw Spy reappear.

Rarity: My my, that's useful! And scary.

Spy: This is usually how i sneak behind enemy lines, a job I do quite well.

Rarity: What is this one? It doesn't look like it would go on your wrist.

Spy: This is my pocket watch, the Dead Ringer. If I'm under heavy attack, I can activate it, and it will drop a fake dead copy of me while I stay cloaked and I can escape or stay and fight.

Rarity: You certainly do have many skills. You know what? Since you've been so kind as to show me what you do, I'm going to make you a new suit.

Spy: Rarity, you beautiful rogue.

Rarity: Why thank you... say. Where did your teammate go?

Spy: He may have gotten up and left without us noticing.
Little did the two know that Heavy was in the hands of a unicorn filly with newly developed magical skills, taking him to her treehouse with her friends...

Adventure 6: Muffins and Destruction

Soldier had decided to explore Ponyville in hopes of finding something, ANYTHING, to fight. He was walking around when he saw a strange sign with strange letters on it with an envelope.

Soldier:MAIL! That means men! Which means fight! AWWWWWWW YEAAAAAAAAH!!!
Soldier ran head first at the post office. He burst through the doors and shouted

Soldier: ALRIGHT MEN! WHO'S THE FIRST VICTIM OF THE ONE-MAN HUMAN ARMY!?!??!?!?!?!?!??!
Soldier started breathing heavily after the loud scream took his breath away. He realized that there was only one pony in the room, a grey pegasus pony with a blonde mane.

Soldier: Ooookay then. YOU!

Derpy: Who, me?

Soldier: YES YOU! Are you ready to feel the power of pain from the BLU-killing machine that is me!?

Derpy: Oh, sorry. I'm still on duty for the next five seconds.
five...four...three...two...one...

Derpy: Okay, my shift's over. Now we can play. Just let me grab my stuff and we can go.
Derpy slowly walked over to the employee lockers. As she was walking, she accidentally slipped on an envelope and flew up into the air. She then proceeded to land on the floor, making a massive hole. She slowly flew up, still dazed, and knocked over some shelves. She then proceeded to knock over the lockers like dominoes. When all was done the post office was in ruins.

Derpy: Whoops. My bad.

Soldier: That was... THE SINGLE GREATEST INSTITUTE OF DESTRUCTION CAUSED BY A SINGLE ANIMAL SINCE THE ERA OF SUN TZU!

Derpy: Um... Thank you? You're the only who thinks breaking things is a good thing. Everypony else just scolds me and tells me to be more careful. I'll take you back to my house.

Soldier: Yes. Show me your lair of destruction.
At Derpy's house...

Derpy: Dinky, I'm home!

Dinky: Hi mom!

Derpy: What's your name?

Soldier: I am Soldier. And you are?

Derpy: My name's Derpy.

Soldier: I see.

Derpy: Okay. Soldier, this is my daughter, Dinky.

Soldier: Aw, she's adorable. gonna be a real destructive one someday. Yes sir, I... AHHHHHHH! NO! NOT NOW!

Derpy: What's wrong?!?

Soldier: I'm transforming... I need a muffin... to change back...

Derpy: Muffins are my specialty. Coming right up.
Derpy proceeded to bake a muffin faster than ever before.

???: Hm?

Derpy: Okay, here you go Soldier.

???: I am not Soldier.

Derpy: Then who are you?

???: I am Painis Cupcake.

Derpy: So that's why you need a muffin.
Derpy offered the muffin to this new, strange faced being in the place of her new friend. He ate the whole thing in one bite.

Painis: MMMMMMMMMM. Muffin good. Wait. Muffin?! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Soldier: Ohhhhhh... Thanks, Derpy. You saved me. That was a dark, evil side of me that seeks only to eat anything it can find. It comes out from time to time, and the only antidote is a baked good other than a cupcake. I said muffin because I saw the muffin mix in the kitchen. Now that that's all said and done, We need to teach you how to control your destructive nature. I have plans for you. You'll be good, girl. Maybe even the best.

Adventure 7: Cutie Marks and Miniguns

???: Why did you bring him here?

???: HOW did you get him here?

???: My magic. It took a lot of effort, but I got him here.
These were the first words that Heavy heard from three different voices as he started coming to, seeing the wooden roof of what he assumed was a tree house. He then opened his eyes to see three fillies: A yellow one with a red mane, A lavender one with a mix of white and purple for a mane color and an orange one with a dark purple mane.

Heavy: ohhhh... last thing I remember is spy's naked face...

???: Well, look at that awake at last, are we?

Heavy: Where am I? And who are tiny baby ponies?

CMC: We're not babies!

Heavy: Well you look like babies.

Apple Bloom: Well, I'm Apple Bloom, and these are my friends, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo.

Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo: Hi.

Heavy: I am Heavy weapons guy, but you can call me Heavy.

CMC: Nice to meet you, Heavy!

Apple Bloom: We've formed a group known as the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

Sweetie Belle:You know, To get our cutie marks!

Heavy: Cutie Marks?

Apple Bloom: Oh right. You're a human. Ya see, everypony gets a special mark on their flanks called a cutie mark when they discover their special talent.

Heavy: Then I know what mine would be. If I was tiny pony. Take me to house of... what was her name? Starts with R, sounds like clarity...

Sweetie Belle: Rarity?

Heavy: Yes! Take me to house of Rarity.

Sweetie Belle: Sure thing. She's my sister.
After going to the Boutique and getting Heavy's things, the pair returned to the tree house.

Heavy: I need targets for practice. Any thing you don't need that is big and no one will get hurt.

Sweetie Belle: Maybe Rarity has some leftover dress models.

Heavy: *sigh*
Later...

Heavy: Finally. Now watch and learn. These are my weapons.
Heavy opened up his bag and showed them his miniguns, shotguns, and hand accessories.

Heavy: Now fun begins. Now, pay attention to destructive power of weapons. If you feel like tiny baby, I recommend you don't watch. We start with Sasha.
Heavy took his first minigun, his gun of choice and began revving it up. It started firing, completely ripping apart the statues in a whirl of bullets. Scootaloo was the only one to look on in awe. Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom looked away in sheer horror once they saw the destructive power of Heavy's gun.

Scootaloo: Do you have anything else like that?

Heavy: See for yourself.
One by one, Heavy showed off his miniguns one by one, each one Scootaloo found cooler then the last. Then the shotguns. And finally, his hand accessories. When he was finished.

Scootaloo: Coolest. Thing. Ever.
Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom were cowering in fear behind the safety of the tree house. Scootaloo came charging at Heavy.

Scootaloo: I want a cutie mark like that. You need to let me fire that.

Heavy: Oh no. You can't hope to fire this. Too heavy for tiny pony.

Scootaloo: Ohhhh...

Sweetie Belle: Maybe if we all worked together... We could maybe get it off the ground and fire it.

Scootaloo: Yes. You will. We will. I need to fire this puppy.
What is Scootaloo planning? Is it for the use of miniguns for good? Or just for psychotic reasons? Find out when I feel like putting in a chapter to explain it or the epic chapter trilogy against Saxton Hale.

Adventure 8: Potions and Alcohol

After stumbling upon the local bar, meeting the bartender, and drinking himself into a stupor, Demoman was walking, or more so, stumbling and bumbling, crashing into everything and everypony, he found himself in the clearing of the Everfree forest. Then he stopped. He raised his nose and started sniffing. He knew that smell, but this was something new altogether.

Demoman:Alcohol... No, explosives... No, Alcoholic explosives? This I gotta see, if I wasn't so drunk, and my vision wasn't so blurry.
He started stumbling through the opening deeper into the forest. The scent kept getting stronger. He kept going faster.

Demoman: Booze... I need BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOZE!
He saw a small hut, which he was positive the smell was coming from. He ran as fast as his legs could carry him. Unfortunately for him, he had a bit of a bad reaction to the different alcohol in the bar from scrumpy. He fell to the ground and passed out right in front of the hut. The hut's sole inhabitant had heard the commotion outside and had come to investigate.

Zecora: What is it out here that stirs? My, it's one of those human creatures.
Using all of her might, the zebra managed to pull Demoman into her hut. She began brewing a potion, throwing this and that into her cauldron.

Zecora: This soupy soup will revive you. It tastes like Ma's stew.
After throwing everything into the cauldron she stirred it until it turned into a rainbow colored creation that smelled like underwear, but the good kind, the kind that just came out if the dryer. After pouring a bowl, Zecora placed it next to the unconscious black Scottish cyclops. As if struck by lightning, Demoman jumped to his feet.

Demoman: I didn't touch it! Where am I?

Zecora: My name is Zecora, this, my hut. I found you, all bruised and cut.

Demoman: Yah, thanks. What's with the soup? And what smelled like alcohol?

Zecora: That was a new mix of mine, smells of one's true valentine.

Demoman: How? That don't make any sense, but you're a magic zebra, so I'm just gonna go along with it.
The conversation was quickly interrupted when a loud, booming roar was heard from outside.

Zecora: Oh no! A Shieldmoar! To defeat it, you must wield more. Defeat this mighty beast you must do, but explosions don't work so get a clue.

Demoman: No explosives, huh? Well, this looks like a job for...
Demoman quickly ran into the back room of the hut. A new figure emerged that looked like Demoman, but was different.

Demopan: Demopan! Deliverin' justice with mah fryin' pan, one smash at a time!

Zecora:This human is quite strange. Even possibly deranged.
Demopan bust out of the hut into a fury of unimaginable power. He saw the Shieldmoar. It was a massive creature with a shiny silver shell, and a dark red underbelly. The creature screeched with a massive roar, filling Zecora with terror. Demopan was unfazed, however.

Demopan: Stout Shako for two refined?
The Shieldmoar roared again, making Zecora's mane stand on end. Still, Demopan was unshaken. With a roar equally as terrifying as the Shieldmoar, Demopan began a small, slowly getting more powerful, charge. His Chargin' Targe shield started glowing, his Dangeresque, Too? glasses shined with what little sunlight came into the forest, his bounty hat sparkling off of the sun reflection as well, his frying pan blacker than space itself. He started running with the force of a train backing him up. He was getting close to the creature. He smashed the creature's underbelly simultaneously with his pan and shield. It exploded with a red liquid, not quite blood, more like red water, spurting everywhere. Demopan stood heroically above his prize, looking down at Zecora, who was still completely unsure as to what had just happened.

Demopan: Glad I'm on your side, huh?

Zecora: Yes, an ally in you I like, an end to a nervous psych.

Intermission Chapter

Randomly, elsewhere in Ponyville...

Twilight: I've never seen anything like this, even in old pony tales.

Engineer: I'll show you how to make these, given you can supply me the resources.You have metal here?

Twilight: Plenty.

Engineer: Show me the way.

Twilight: There's some at my library.
Engineer followed Twilight back to her library, where, after seeing and exchanging greetings with Sniper and Soldier, was given a massive amount of metal.

Engineer: This is plenty! I can build and fully upgrade all of my buildings with this much.

Twilight: Please. In terms of money, that's not even enough for a SLICE of bread.

Engineer: Well I'll be darned. Let's go outside, I'll show you what this metal can do. Just bring one of your injured friends and something you don't need anymore.
After getting these things...

Engineer: Over here is my dispenser. Bring your injured friend next to it. It'll give him healing energy.
The stallion went next to the building and started feeling revitalized.

Stallion: Wow! I feel great. Thank you kind sir.

Engineer: It's nothin' really.

Twilight: That's amazing! What does the other one do?

Engineer: This is my sentry. It can automatically attack any hostiles. Bring me the unnecessary item.
Twilight brought an old log.

Engineer: Perfect. Now watch this.
Engineer threw the log up into the air. The sentry beeped and automatically fired a few shots at said log.
` Twilight: That's amazing!

Engineer: Yup. And before I forget, I made this communication device. This way after we leave, we can stay in touch, even between dimensions.

Twilight: Oh. Thank you.
Several days went by. The day before the teleporter was going to be fixed, all nine classes and their new friends (in each chapter, respectively,) were all gathered in the center of town, chit-chatting. When suddenly...

???: NOW I KNOW THAT MR. REDMONT MANN DID NOT HIRE NINE MERCENARIES TO SCREW AROUND WITH MAMBY-PAMBY PONIES!

Pyro: Oh no. I know that voice all too well.
She wasn't the only one. As she quickly put her mask on, the other eight mercenaries were either quaking in fear or readying their weapons. They knew what was coming. They had to get ready. When they had quickly gathered whatever they could, they regrouped and prepared. The stranger was waiting for them. The mercenaries and their pony friends were waiting.

Twilight: Sniper, who is this guy?

Sniper: He's a super-powered Australian freak of nature. Practically invincible. We've barely been able to defeat him before, and he escaped. And he looks like he's all better. We're probably gonna need your help. Everyone to your specific new friends!
As the group huddled together, the man began to speak.

???: Well well well. I see you've taken your day off to the extreme. And now you're gonna pay the price for doing so. You're gonna be hurtin' in the morning. IF you live to see the sun. So says...

Saxton: SAXTON HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Epic Battle of Ponyville (part 1 of 3)

Saxton: You lot have taken over a week off instead of the day you were given. And now I find you playin' dress up with ponies? Ponies?!? You're mercenaries, not little girls! And Redmont Mann told me personally to get you back on duty.

Scout: And how the hell did you find us? This is another dimension, and hardhat's machine is still here with us.

Saxton: I'm an Australian, what can't I do?

Sniper: Good point.

Saxton: Now get your asses back to 2fort!

Engineer: We can't. We're not ready yet.

Saxton: Then looks like I'm gonna have to teach you lot and your new pets a lesson!

Twilight: Excuse me, sir-

Sniper: Not now Twilight. This guy is not the type for reasoning.

Saxton: Did, did that horse just talk? I'm an Australian and that seems ridiculous.

Sniper: No. (whispering to Twilight) Don't speak. It's probably not a good idea.

Saxton: So. Who's first?
The massive madman slowly walked through the streets of Ponyville towards the mercenaries.

Saxton: How about... You! Spy. You're up first to feel the pain.
As Hale swung his burly fist at Spy, he went soaring through the air.

Rarity: No! You... Monster!
As she said this, everyone and everypony put hands and hooves on their faces.

Rarity: What? Is it something I said?

Saxton: So these horses can talk! I knew it.

Twilight: We're called ponies, and you don't have to do this!

Saxton: I don't care what you're called, these boys blew off work and they're gonna pay the price.
Rarity was upset but remained calm. Her sadness suddenly turned to anger.

Rarity: You... killed him. You're going to pay.
With this, she took of running full speed at Hale, horn ablaze with a new color of magic she had never felt before. The impact couldn't have been more powerful, unless it came from Hale himself.

Saxton: Oof! Well, not bad pony, but not good enough!
As Hale swung, a revolver shot hit his hand away, getting Rarity out of the punch's directional path.

Spy: Gentlecolts.

Rarity: Spy! I'm so glad you're alive! But, how?

Spy: Remember this?
Spy pulled out a pocket watch.

Rarity: You handsome rogue.

Saxton: Very sneaky, Frenchie. Now you're all gonna die, and nine new mercenaries will take your place. Now die!
Hale came charging in the direction of everyone, and they quickly teleported away, courtesy of Twilight.

Twilight: How do we stop this guy? Can't one of your headshots or back stabs kill him instantly?

Sniper: He's a typical Australian. Not to mention practically invincible, even to headshots and back stabs.

Twilight: Then what do we do?

Sniper: We fight him. He can be defeated, if we concentrate enough firepower on him.

Twilight: Alright. everypony split up. We'll take him down one way another.
Everyone disbanded and found different spots, after obtaining communicators. They waited. It was agreed upon that Scout and Rainbow Dash volunteered to be the diversions, being the fastest. They found Hale angrily snarling at a group of helpless ponies.

Rainbow: Hey! Leave them alone. They haven't done anything.

Saxton: Well. The cowards have returned. Alright, baseball boy, you're the first to die.

Scout: Bring it, you overgrown Kangaroo with no fur.
Scout and Rainbow Dash hoofed.

Saxton: Suicidal now, aren't we?
Hale went charging at the pair, who, immediately got out of the way. They ran and flew out of the way of Hale's fist. They dodged him and got ready to strike. Scout pulled out his pistol and started firing.

Saxton: Do you really think that pathetic excuse for a weapon will hurt me?

Scout: Nope, but it will distract you.
Rainbow Dash did a dive bomb out of the sky and nailed Hale's head.

Saxton: Not bad, not bad. That actually hurt a bit.

Scout: Batter up!
Scout pulled out his deluxe Sandman baseball bat and baseball. He nailed a hard hit right onto Hale's forhead.

Scout: Now, Dash!
Scout and Dash rushed in and started beating Hale hard. After five seconds...

Scout: Now, pull out!
As the pair backed up, Hale regained sense.

Hale: Okay, play time's over. I'm gonna hurt you so hard, your body bags are gonna need body bags!
Hale rushed forward with he speed and power of the Running of the Bulls times twenty.
Scout jumped left... Hale smashed him into the ground with his right fist. Dash went to her injured friend.

Rainbow: Scout! No! Medic! Fluttershy! Anyone! Scout is down! Repeat, Scout is down!

Scout: heh... Didn't think that psycho could have done me in. I'm not out yet. I'm at one hp. He, here. You're gonna need this.
Scout handed his can over to dash, who gripped it tightly in her hoof.

Scout: I'm gonna play dead for awhile. Just get that quack of a doctor over here... That koala ain't gonna beat me.
Rainbow shed a tear.

Scout: Now get him. For me.
Scout shut his eyes. Rainbow put her head on his chest to make sure he wasn't really dead. She felt a pulse.

Rainbow:Good. He's not dead. Better play along. You... killed him. He's dead. And he'll never be back.

Saxton: And?

Rainbow: I'm the fastest pony in Equestria. And with this, I will personally ensure you fall as friend here has.
Her eye started twitching and she grew a massive smile as some loose hairs on her mane became undone.

Saxton: That's nothing. You'll be fast. Big deal.

Rainbow: Try me.
She flew as high as she could and drank the Bonk! She then proceeded into a massive Sonic Rainboom, the biggest and fastest she had ever done. She also drank the Crit-a-Cola that Scout had given her earlier. She started glowing in a massive, rainbow-colored explosion, more powerful than that of the Elements of Harmony. She continued downward, at a breakneck pace. She kept going until she reached her destination. Directly on top of Hale's head. The impact was so powerful, Rainbow Dash was blown away by a good half-mile. She saw the true extent of the damage she had done. Hale's whole head inverted downwards. Hilarious.

Rainbow: Good. Looks like I got him.
But this victory was to be short-lived. Hale popped his head out and cracked it back into place.

Rainbow: Oh boy.

Saxton: So. Think that was funny did you?
Meanwhile, a few hundred feet away, Pyro and Pinkie were watching from the shadows.

Pyro: He's a nearly invincible madman. We have to stop him and save Rainbow Dash.

Pinkie: You're right. But how?

Pyro: From what I've seen, you certainly have abilities beyond those of normal ponies. I've got it! Throw him a "party".

Pinkie: A... Fire party?

Pyro: Now you're speakin' my language.
Pyro put her mask on, but just enough that she could still talk clearly.

Pyro: You ready?

Pinkie: As I'll ever be. And after he's toast, we'll have an amazing party.
The pair started running towards the cowering Rainbow Dash, severely injured from her near suicidal attack. Just as Hale was about to deliver the final blow, Pyro lit him up with a shot from her flare gun.

Saxton: So the next victims arrive. Fire feels like a regular summer day to me, you should know that by now.

Pinkie: Well, we're about to have a party that'll last all summer long.
Pinkie rolled in her trusty party cannon and began firing flare gun shots at Hale nonstop. He was blinded and burning. Then, things took a turn for the worst. It started raining.

Pyro: Oh no! Run, Pinkie, run!
The Pink Mare high-tailed it out of the battle zone as fast as she could. But Hale was an excellent jumper, landing right in front of her.

Saxton: Now where do you think you're going, missy?

Pinkie: Um, it's Pinkie. And I've got an important party to host so... If you could just step out of the way...

Saxton: Sorry, Pinkie. Looks like you'll have to suspend the party because you'll be spending the next few months in a hospital bed!
Hale raised his fists with full intent of obliterating the mare. He was at max height when something hit him in the back. A rocket.

Derpy: Stay away from my friends!

Soldier: Nice shot, private!

Pyro: Soldier! Thank god.

Soldier: Get out of here, you two. I've got an ass-kicking to deliver.

Saxton: Well, next target. The war-crazed American. You're dead like your friend over there.

Soldier: Scout! No! I will kill you now!
As Soldier readied his rocket launcher, he felt something in his chest.

Soldier: Your luck has just run out, you crazy kangaroo. Derpy, no muffin this time. I'm doing this.

Derpy: Are you sure? It's dangerous.

Soldier: I know what I'm doing.
Soldier's chest started to expand, followed by loud screams of what was presumably pain. He bent over, coughing on the ground and screamed some more. Finally, he stopped, and got to his feet. He was different.

???: I am Painis Cupcake.

Pinkie: Oooooooooooooh, I love cupcakes!

Pyro: Not a good cupcake, Pinkie.

The Epic Battle of Ponyville (part 2 of 3)

Saxton: So. You're a dessert now, are ya?

Painis: I will eat you.
Painis then proceeded to slide over to Hale and began biting him but not doing anything. Seeing this, Derpy immediately flew away.

Saxton: That's it? Please. I'll make this quick.
Hale swung a massive fist and sent Painis flying. He (conveniently) crashed into Derpy who (even more conveniently) was carrying a muffin. The pair then landed ( more conveniently still) landed right in front of Fluttershy and Medic.

Fluttershy: AAH!

Medic: Next patient. Oh my. A direct hit at close range. Let's see what you've learned, Fluttershy. Fire up the Medi-gun and get Soldier back in the ring.

Fluttershy: OK.
Fluttershy started the Quick Fix Medi-gun and within a few seconds, Soldier was getting up.

Soldier: Thanks... Fluttershy? Good job. We've got a problem. Scout is down about a mile to the south. He seemed alive, but I could be wrong.

Fluttershy: I'll do it. I can get to him quickly.

Medic: Alright. Be careful.
The Pegasus pony flew as fast as she could while carrying the Quick Fix. On the way she saw Rainbow Dash flying slowly in her direction.

Fluttershy: Hold still, Rainbow. I'll heal you.

Rainbow: Wow! I feel much better. You gotta heal Scout! He's almost dead...

Fluttershy: That's where I'm headed. Gotta go.

Rainbow: Thanks. I'm gonna look for that psycho.
Fluttershy kept going until she saw Scout. She dived down quickly, landing next to Scout. She started healing him and he was back up in no time.

Scout: Thanks, Shy. Now I recommend you keep healing, cause with that healin' machine, you can even keep up with me, as long as we're connected.
Saxton was just down the road when he saw the pair.

Saxton: Well, looks like baseball boy didn't kick the bucket quite yet!

Scout: Run. I'll lead.
The pair kept running until Scout ran out of breath. Then, he noticed something that gave him a big smile.

Scout: Quick, this way.
The pair dashed down the alley, with Hale close behind. Then, behind the two alley ends, A black Scottish cyclops and a zebra waited in hiding for an ambush.
Hale barely managed to squeeze through the alleyway. Then, two doors, one on each side of the alley, swung open with magic and revealed about a dozen or so sticky bombs, which prompted to immediately explode.

Demoman: Nice job, Zecora!

Zecora: Thanking you is what I do.
Hale suddenly burst through a cloud of smoke.

Demoman: Thought so. Take this, me Loch-N-Load. Direct hits only though.
Zecora nodded.

Demoman: As fer me... It's time for...
As if out of nowhere, he got a completely new weapon loadout.

Demopan: Demopan!

Saxton: I'll show you my Stout Shako and then I'll take your lives as refined!

Demopan: Take my pan, psycho!
Demopan Repeatedly bashed Hale with his shield and pan, dodging every fist thrown at him. Meanwhile, Zecora kept firing grenade launcher shots, doing plenty of damage.

Demopan: Demopan to team! We're doin' it!

Saxton: I don't think so!
With this, he smashed Demopan's shield into a million tiny pieces.

Demopan: Forget that. We need some backup!

Heavy: Me and tiny ponies are coming! Hold on!
Demoman and Zecora kept running, seeing Heavy and the CMC in the distance, double miniguns ready to go.

Heavy: Ready girls?

CMC: READY!!!

Heavy: Fire! GO GO GO!!
All four started firing at the same time, Heavy with his standard mini-gun, the CMC firing the Iron Curtain.

Hale: You got fillies firing a minigun? These are quite some ponies.

Heavy: You cannot beat us! We will destroy you!

Scootaloo: Yeah! This is the best day ever!

Heavy: Just be careful, this man hits hard.
The fire continued as Hale struggled through the bullet storm. He was about ten feet away.

Heavy: Safety perimeter breached! Retreat!
The four ran to the safety of the Sweet Apple Acres barn, Hale close behind. They quickly got inside the barn door and shut it. Hale burst through and left a Hale-sized hole in the wall, creating a single ray of light in the dark room.

Hale: Alright, cowards. You can't hide forever. Now where are you?

Apple Jack: Right here, sugar cube.
The lights immediately turned on, revealing seven level 3 sentries, two with wrangler shields and several dispensers, as well as a confident looking Engineer and Apple Jack, each with their own Wrangler controller. Behind the wall of dispensers was Heavy and the CMC.

Engineer: We can certainly hide. Not forever, but long enough to finish you.
The sentries started beeping faster and harder than a censorship convention. Another massive bullet storm (with rockets) started pouring into Hale. He was slowly backing away, not able to absorb the full impact of the projectiles.

Engineer: Would ya look at that. We're doin' it.

Hale: Nothing can stop SAXTON HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
With this mighty roar, all of the sentries suddenly stopped and seemed like they were being sapped.

Apple Jack: Is that supposed to happen?

Engineer: Unfortunately.
All six of them ran out and headed to the first place they were told to go: The library. They kept running until the library was in sight.

Engineer: Engineer to Twilight! We see the Tree house, and Hale is right behind us!

Twilight: Twilight to Engineer, readin' ya loud and clear! Get ready, Sniper!

Sniper: I was born ready.

The Epic Conclusion of the Epic Battle of Ponyville

With the group running as fast as they could towards the library and Hale not far behind, Twilight Sparkle, Sniper, and Spike were all standing on the balcony, sniper rifles (Machina, standard and Bazaar Bargain, respectively) ready.

Twilight: Spike, are you sure you can handle this?

Spike: Relax. I can do this. With all the training Sniper gave me, I'm really ready.

Sniper: I'm the best, anywhere. This little guy can handle my guns.

Twilight: Look! There they are!
The trio saw the shadows of a few humans and ponies heading for the library, with another human's shadow not too far behind. This shadow was much bigger than the others.

Sniper: He's comin'! Get ready! Aim for his head!
The human, unicorn (using magic) and the dragon readied their weapons. The incoming group quickly dashed inside the library and shut the door, ready to escape out the back door if necessary. The trio saw Hale coming into scope and began to fire at his head, doing massive damage.

Saxton: A dragon? Now this is gettin' weird. No matter, You're still going down.
Hale jumped up, about to smash the balcony and the trio to pieces. Until a single arrow filled with a stunning agent hit him straight in the back. Hale fell to the ground, momentarily unable to move.

Medic: Run! Schnell!
The trio quickly ran into the library and out the front door, machine guns and jarate ready. As Hale got up, a yellow Pegasus fired another needle filled with the agent into Hale's back. This time however, Hale rose immediately.

Saxton: Not this time, mare.

Fluttershy: Fine. Taste saw, you monster!
With this, Fluttershy quickly pulled the uber-saw and began repeatedly stabbing Hale and dodging his fists with her wings. After several seconds of successful dodging...

Fluttershy: Girls! Heavy! Get out here and get together! We've got two live full charges, and we're using them!
The four rushed outside. Medic and Fluttershy readied their charges as they got in formation.

Heavy: This is good, girls. Get ready! Here comes Hale!
As Hale rushed at the small group, Medic and Fluttershy unleashed their charges as the minguns began to unload their bullet storms.

Apple Bloom: Wow! This is unlike anything I've ever felt! It's amazing!

Sweetie Belle: It's like ice cream... For my entire body!

Scootaloo: THIS IS AWESOME!!
Hale was taking massive damage, beginning to look weak. Massive amounts of fire from one direction, Precise shots to his head from the other. He was almost done, and he knew it.

Saxton: No... I can't lose... Not now...

Fluttershy: Keep it up, he looks weak! Let's go, The charge is about to wear off!
The group took off running, as their bright red color faded away.

Saxton: I WILL NOT LOSE TO A BUNCH OF MAMBY-PAMBY PONIES!
As if out of nowhere, something tapped Hale on the shoulder. He instinctively swung at it. All that happened was that he had hit an inanimate object, making his finger bleed. He saw the blood stream coming from his hand.

Saxton: Stupid Spy!

Spy: But monsieur Hale, I'm over here!
Hale looked over and sure enough saw the Spy standing there, clear as day.

Saxton: But how?

Spy: I don't know. Magic?
Hale saw the knife slowly lift off the ground and float right at him, stabbing him in the back multiple times while he stood there confused.

Saxton: NO! How is this possible?

Spy: Time to end this.
Spy ran behind Hale, stabbing him with the Spycicle, turning him into an ice figure.

Spy: Rarity, would you like to do the honors?

Rarity: With pleasure.
Rarity lifted up Your Eternal Reward and stabbed Hale in the back one final time, shattering him into several pieces of ice.

All:... WE DID IT!
The others had managed to regroup at the library with the small group that had just defeated Hale.

Scout: Take that, ya Kangaroo!

Pinkie: Look! It stopped raining! IT"S PARTY TIME!!!
The party was packed full of ponies, including a DJ, and lasted several hours. After the party had ended, Engineer announced he had finished fixing the teleporter sooner than expected.

Twilight: Well, it's been nice meeting you all... Thank you for helping us stop that madman from destroying our town.

Engineer: It was nothing. We'll miss you, but we'll keep in touch with that communicator I gave you.

Twilight: I'll make sure the Princess meets you.

Engineer: Alright. Well, goodbye, and thanks for everything!

All Ponies: Goodbye!
As Engineer started the machine up, he quickly stopped it.

Twilight: Why haven't you left yet?

Engineer: I just realized that we may need your help with something back home...

Conclusion/Epilogue

The BLUs had noticed the RED team's absence, and had taken over the base.

B. Scout: Those idiots! Not bothering to return for a week while they go willy-nilly through time and space, we got your intel, losers!

B. Soldier: If not for our Spy, we would never have known about this.

B. Demoman: Three cheers fer Spy!

All BLU: Hip hip, hooray! Hip hip hooray! Hip hip-
Their cheer was cut off by a mixture of whirring sounds and flashing lights.

B. Heavy: Pathetic RED babies are back!
As the team stepped out, they saw that the BLUs had taken their base.

Engineer: Thought so. Come on out everyone!
The nine REDs stepped out with their pony friends. At the sight of them, The BLUs burst out laughing.

B. Scout: You're gonna retake your base with horses?!?! That's rich!

Engineer: Oh, they're much more capable then you may think. And they're ponies.
The BLUs started laughing again.

B. Scout: Horses, Ponies, whatever! Your little trip turned you into little girls!

Twilight: Sniper, I'll take the Huntsman. Why don't you go with the Sydney Sleeper?

Sniper: That's what I was thinkin'.
At this, they started laughing, but were shortly cut off after realizing that
1. Twilight had talked, and
B. She made weapon suggestions.

B. Scout: heh heh... What are you gonna do?

Scout: As soon as my rainbow friend here is done with ya, I think I'm gonna bash you all. Here Dash, take this, my Boston Basher.

Dash: Alright. I'll be careful.
The BLUs gulped.

Heavy: Girls, meet Natascha.

Scootaloo: She's beautiful, Heavy.

Heavy: I will use this, my trusty Tomislav.
The BLUs slowly started backing away.

Soldier: You're in luck, Derpy. Seems I have a spare Cow Mangler 5000. Take this.

Derpy: Oooooh... It's shiny!
At this point, The BLUs were almost out of the labs when a laser gate popped up, blocking their escape.

Engineer: A security system I designed, built, and installed myself. I'll use my Widowmaker, Apple Jack. Why don't you take my Pomson 6000?

Apple Jack: Sounds like a plan.
The BLUs started to panic.

Spy: This is my Big Earner. You can use my Conniver's Kunai.

Rarity: Very well. Oh, this looks fabulous!
The BLUs began to cry.

Medic: The Blutsauger is ready to go. You can have the Crusader's Crossbow.

Fluttershy: Thank you, Medic.
The BLUs were heavily panicking at this point.

Pyro: Take this, my Phlogistnator, it's a real party. I'll take the Degreaser.

Pinkie: Oooh, Fun!
Some of the BLUs had assumed the fetal position.

Demoman: Here, Zecora. My Scottish Resistance. I'll take the Eyelander.

Zecora: I'll take that, yes I will. And make these other people cries quite shrill.
The BLUs were all cowering in the corner, waiting for the end.

Scout: Let's waste 'em!
As the REDs and ponies rushed at the cowering BLUs, the whole screen stopped and each rushing attacker went blurred at their backs...

EMERGENCY TRANSMISSION

It had been a few months since the RED team had come home from Equestria. Much was learned by and about both sides from each other. The RED team had met the princesses, both sides shared interesting stories, and various other transmissions took place. Slowly, conversations had become less and less frequent, until, eventually, there was only about one ten minute conversation every week. Then, a call marked "URGENT" came in. Being the only one in the room, Scout quickly answered the communicator.

Twilight: Hello? Is anyone there? Come in, anyone!

Scout: Twilight! What's going on?

Twilight: Something happened to my friends, and now they're attacking me and trying to turn me into one of them! They're like zombies, only they still seem sane.

Scout:...Vampires.

Twilight: What?

Scout: Your friends sound like they've become Vampires. I'll get the team together and we'll get over there as fast as we can.

Twilight: Thank you, I need all the help I can get. I'm the only one of my friends left. Everyone else has become one of those creatures.

Scout: Even Dash?!

Twilight: I'm afraid so.

Scout: How did this happen?

Twilight: Something happened to Fluttershy, and she must have spread it to everyone else. Hurry! I only have about ten minutes before my friends break through!

Scout: Don't worry, Twi, We're on the way.
Scout ran as fast as he could to gather everyone together. He figured the best way was to use the intercom and gather everyone together.

Scout: Attention RED team! Our friends in Ponyville need our help! Something happened to Fluttershy and now our friends have become Vampires! Everyone meet up at the armory to get new anti-Vampire weapons. That means you need to make new tech, Hardhat. Oh, and the time limit is ten minutes. Twilight is the only survivor, so while Hardhat takes care our weapon upgrades, I'm gonna start up the Teleporter to get us right inside her library. Let's go people, clock's tickin'!
Everyone had done whatever they could by helping Engineer. After seven minutes, everyone had new weapons infused with anti-Vampire material, and had gathered in the teleporter.

Engineer: Well, The coordinates are properly set... Scout, how did you know these were the proper coordinates?

Scout: You'd be surprised what some people remember in class.

Engineer: Whatever. Engineer to Twilight, Come in Twilight.

Twilight: Hurry up guys, not much time left!

Engineer: We're getting in the teleporter now. Don't worry, we're prepared.

Twilight: Good. I need a lot of help. You're "help" Won't hurt my friends, will they?

Engineer: No, just knock them out with a well placed hit.

Twilight: Good. Now get here, I need- Wait! What do you want?!?!

V. Fluttershy: You.

Engineer: Let's go, we're out of time!
The teleporter started up and after flashing and whirring, disappeared into thin air.

Author's note: Well, I decided to do this out of complete boredom, and to stir up business for my other story, Dracushy. This is the other side of an excerpt that will eventually show up in said story. This is for all my fans who loved this story, just as a little preview of things to come. And thanks to the arrival of summer, I'll have SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much more time on my hands to work on my stories. And I'm disappointed to say that I had a brilliant idea for a story, but I completely forgot it. :'( So if anyone has any suggestions for story ideas, I'd love to hear them, if you think that my style would be good for said idea. This is W 9001 PILLS HERE, signing off. See ya!

Adventure 9: Laughter and Fire

Pyro reluctantly followed Pinkie Pie back to Sugar Cube Corner. This strange pink pony had kept her guessing since the moment they met. She was still following her, having nothing better to do. She eventually found herself in front of what she thought was a bakery, but couldn't smell very well through her mask. Then, the pony spoke up.

Pinkie: This is Sugar Cube Corner, where I live and work. It's owned by Mr. and Mrs. Cake.
At this point Pyro had had enough. She undid the zipper on the back of her mask and pulled it off. She let her hair flow out and go everywhere.

Pinkie: You're... A GIRL?!?!?!?!?

Pyro: That's right.

Pinkie: I never would have guessed, because all of your friends are boys.

Pyro: I've never even shown my face to them. In case others try to do stuff to me.

Pinkie: What stuff?

Pyro: ... Let's just say some humans are very messed up in the head.

Pinkie: Okay. Do you like parties?

Pyro: The only parties I like are those with fire.

Pinkie: Fire is dangerous.

Pyro: Fire is my life. Watch this. Know a safe spot where there's really no chance of these roofs catching fire?
Pinkie led Pyro to an open field, free of houses and other ponies.

Pyro: Good.
She puts her mask back on.

Pyro: Now watch this.
With a quick motion, Pyro started aiming her flamethrower in the air spreading fire like a beautiful party display. Pinkie Pie's eyes lit up, maybe from either excitement or the fire reflecting in her eyes.

Pinkie: That. Was the coolest thing ever!

Pyro: You like that? Watch this.
She fired her flare gun into the air. It landed on Pyro, displaying an amazing flame burst dispersion effect.

Pinkie: Okay, I stand corrected. THAT was the coolest thing ever.

Pyro: I also have an ax for close quarters. In case.

Pinkie: Cool. Ah! You can help at Sugar Cube Corner! You can bake the cookies when they're ready.

Pyro: I'm here, may as well.