Pink Elephants in Ponyville

by Gear Grinder

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Random, Crossover
Length: 3898

Applejack and Rainbow Dash incidentally unleash the strangest threat to Ponyville since Discord, and only Pinkie Pie can stop it.

After the Flim Flam Brothers were chased out of Ponyville, business went on as usual for the Apple Family. However, the brothers somehow forgot to bring their good cider with them. On top of that the Apple Family already has too much cider, and Applejack would hate for all of it to be wasted. As you might guess, hilarity and liver-pickeling ensue as Applejack and Rainbow Dash decide to have an Iron Liver competition. Who will win, and what will be Pinkie's part in all of this?

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-03-21 22:40:30 UTC

Drunk as Skunks in Trunks on Bunks!

Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Twilight Sparkle, Rarity, Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie cheered, raising their wooden pints filled to the brim with cider in a magnificent toast celebrating their victory. They had just run the rascally Flim Flam Brothers out of town after their product had proven to be poor quality, and the town was celebrating. Big Macintosh was rolling another barrel full of freshly made cider over to the pump, with Applebloom waiting to serve the next customer. Beside her sat a small hill of Bits, with Granny Smith attempting to count each bit one at a time and failing as the hill slowly grew into a mountain. Applejack grinned triumphantly, watching as every member of her exhausted family still pressed onward to provide the best service possible to the denizens of Ponyville.

After going through a whole barrel by themselves, the day was starting to come to an end as the sun lit the area in a brilliant orange glow. Applejack took another gulp of cider, wiping away the foam and sighing. "Ahh! Jes what ah needed. All that work got me so thirsty ah could drank an ocean!"

Twilight placed her pint on the table, turning to the orange mare in a serious manner. "Applejack, you can't drink an ocean. It'd be too salty and make you sick on the first gulp."

Applejack rolled her eyes. "Ah know that, Twi. It's just an expression is... wait, who're you lookin at?"

Twilight giggled and pointed with her hoof somewhere in Applejack's general direction, her foreleg swaying slightly. "You, silly! Er... one of you, anyway. Stand still so I can-" she hiccuped suddenly, making her friend jump. "Point... properly."

Again, AJ rolled her eyes. She had hoped that she would be just as intoxicated as Twilight was by now, but she had grown a high tolerance to cider at an early age. She looked around the barn, seeing that almost all of the town had departed back home. Many ponies were strewn about the orchards and road, either talking to themselves, others, or sleeping in drunken stupors.

Rainbow flew over to their direction, laughing. "A.J., you've GOT to see Fluttershy! She got knocked out after two pints, and now she thinks she's a BUNNY!" She dropped to the ground, holding her sides and laughing hysterically.

Applejack looked up from her cyan friend, looking for the butter-colored mare. Sure enough there was Fluttershy, two old socks placed on her ears and a toilet brush tied to the back of her tail, hopping around drunkenly like some kind of bizarre rabbit. She had a carrot in her mouth, presumably from the nearby carrot farm, and leapt from table to table whilst wiggling her nose and nuzzling against strangers.

Applejack placed her pint down, annoyed. She didn't want to be the designated pony, but it seemed her friends couldn't control themselves after so few drinks. She huffed, "Be right back", then left to retrieve her friend.

Twilight fell off of her stool, Rainbow Dash looking down at her. The purple unicorn made a face of awe and stroked Rainbow's mane. The pegasus blushed furiously, then asked "Twi, what are you doing?"

Twilight giggled like a toddler, drool slightly hanging off of her bottom lip. "Hehe... pretty rainbow..."

Blushing even deeper, Rainbow Dash picked up Twilight by the nape of her neck, placing the drunken scholar on her back. Applejack trotted back carrying a wimpering Fluttershy, whose mouth was full of chewed up carrot chunks and cider. Needless to say, this was not their finest moments.

Applejack noticed Rainbow Dash's face was red, but didn't question it. Instead she asked, "Wanna help me get this one home? I reckon she ain't gonna want to remember bein' so.... overly-friendly... to random strangers."

Rainbow nodded, trying to hide her blush but failing miserably. "Sure. Let's stop by Twi's place first. It's closer, anyway." She looked around the area, noticing something was off. "Hey," she asked. "Where'd Rarity get to?"

For the third time tonight, Applejacks eyes rolled. "She went off with some colt she met. I reckon she'll be alright. She barely drank through her first pint before she called it quits. Said drinkin too much was 'unladylike' or something like that."

Rainbow shrugged, nearly causing Twilight to fall off her side. Applejack caught her with her forehead, shifting the purple unicorn back into a proper position on her friends back. Whilst struggling to make her drunken companion comfortable, she realized that Pinkie had vanished as well. That didn't surprise her, considering the party had started to die down a few hours ago when ponies became too buzzed to dance properly. She most likely got bored and left, so Applejack let the thought leave her and continued to help Rainbow Dash.

***

They began walking down the road, talking until sundown and further still. After they deposited Twilight at her tree house (raising concern from Spike), they began walking towards the edge of the Everfree Forest to Fluttershy's cottage.

After some silence between them for a few minutes, Applejack's thoughts dwelled back to Pinkie Pie. She turned to her cyan friend, making sure Fluttershy stayed still on her back. "Hey Rainbow? Did you see where Pinkie Pie got to? Ah didn't see her when we left the farm."

The pegasus put a hoof to her chin in thought. "I'm pretty sure I saw her leaving with somepony, though I don't remember seeing them before today."

AJ's eyebrows raised, concern growing. She was more than aware of Pinkie's over-trusting nature and need to befriend everypony, hoping she didn't do something as foalish as go to this new ponie's home after one night. "What did they look like? Where did they go?"

Rainbow thought hard. "Well, she was pink, almost as pink as Pinkie Pie. I think she said something about her family passing through town, and they decided to stop in at the party." She waved a hoof dismissively. "She's fine though. I'm sure of it."

"Are you sure about that?" Applejack leaned in towards Rainbow Dash, emphasizing her question.

Dash nodded. "Yup. I know she's a bit of an airhead, but she's not completely oblivious when it comes to strangers." She stopped for a second. "Well, she's not always oblivious."

Fluttershy started giggling, pointing towards her house. They both had somehow forgotten that she was even there! They brought her to her front door, Angel tapping his foot and staring at the two in annoyance. He started pulling on Fluttershy's mane, demanding food by motioning to his mouth.

Applejack noted that the mare on her back was asleep again then she kicked the ill-tempered rabbit away with her hind leg, making him roll backwards and unconscious . "Darn varmit, always givin' Fluttershy nothin' but trouble." Rainbow chuckled slightly.

They pushed open Fluttershy's door, walked upstairs to her bedroom, then deposited the sleeping mare in bed, tucking her in as snugly as possible. After that, they trotted back downstairs into the living room, making as little noise as possible.

Applejack removed her hat, wiping away some sweat. "Whew. She seemed light at first, but that pony up there is a lot heavier than I took her for."

Rainbow, flying to prevent making noise, floated over to the green lounge chair and laid herself out while sighing is satisfaction. "I know, right? I carried her over to the farm when this whole cider thing started, and I thought my legs were gonna give out before we got there." She pointed to AJ, teasingly. "Then again, you're in pretty good shape for an Earth Pony. If Fluttershy was too much for you to carry, then you're probably sluggish from all that cider."

Applejack trotted to the armchair, laying herself out on the seat. "Nah, it ain't that. I'm not even buzzed. It's from all the buckin' I had to do today durin' the challenge." She stretched casually. "I'm more surprised you could carry Twi all the way to her house in one piece. You Pegasi got weaker bones than any other type of pony, right? Helps with yer flyin', if'n I remember correctly."

Rainbow chuckled, hiding her aggravation. "Yeah, we may have weaker bones, but that doesn't make us lightweights! Besides I know a drunk pony when I see one. And you are definitely drunk."

The orange farmer banged a hoof on the arm of the chair, not hiding her annoyance as well as Rainbow was. "I tell ya, I ain't drunk! I got a higher tolerance to it than anypony else! Even mah brother can't drink more than me!"

The cyan mare leaned in, her fire burning as she felt a challenge rising up from her. "You wanna put your Bits where your bite is, country girl?"

"Fine by me! We got too much cider left over anyway, and we already got enough Bits to last us through three winters!" Applejack got up from the chair, extending her hoof. "Two days from now, we'll have ourselves a..." She paused in thought. "... and Iron LIVER competition!"

Rainbow returned the hoof-bump. "You're on!"

* Some time later...*

The colt peered in through the window, watching the two ponies bump their hooves in some sort of agreement. He wasn't really watching that though, as he was far more interested in the the luxuriously delicate brown vapors leaving their lips.  He looked through their flesh, tracing the thin ribbon of cider fumes down from their throats into their lightly rounded bellies, drooling as the whirlpools of cider glittered and shone like finely cut gemstones. Truly an intoxicating and beautiful sight.

He looked between the two, grinding his teeth in anticipation for this "Iron Liver" competition. Which would win? He could tell they were both equally matched, and it made him all the more giddy. The orange one would make a dependable resource, but the blue one would be much more fun to play with. His pink coat bristled with longing,  his mind silently reeling with numerous possibilities.

He faded from reality like a bursting bubble, giggling slightly whilst watching the two mares leave the cottage. Soon. Very soon...

Door-knobbing Day

Fluttershy awoke, her eyes refusing to open and her brain pounding harder than an angry, pregnant dragon in a small room. She reeled from the pain, feeling a warm liquid rushing around in her belly but too exhausted to move. Luckily, she was able to barely crawl her way out of bed and make it to the window before expelling the contents of her stomach onto the ground below.

Never again. Never ever EVER again. Her thoughts made her head pound even harder, causing her to fall over and clutch her skull. It took her a moment to realize the pounding came from her front door, and she managed to slump herself up and make her way downstairs. She opened the door slowly, every creak of it's hinges feeling like a hawks talons on a chalkboard. She looked through the fuzziness in her eyes to see Twilight, standing completely upright and with a cheery look on her face.

"Good afternoon, Fluttershy!" Twilight said happily. The greeting resonated and echoed in the yellow mare's head, amplifying itself infinitely.

Fluttershy cringed, whispering "Good after-" Wait a minute. It was past NOON? Fluttershy slowly moved her head to the right to look at her clock. Sure enough, it was 2:14 PM. NEVER EVER EVER AGAIN.

Twilight looked at her friend with concern. "Did you just wake up?" Fluttershy nodded slowly.

The purple mare smiled slightly. "Here," she said as she aimed her horn at Fluttershy. "Let me help you with that nasty hangover."

Too tired to resist, the Pegasus just stood in place, waiting for what her friend had in store. Twilight's horn went alight, coming slowly closer and closer to Fluttershy's forehead. It tapped very lightly, but felt like lightning against her coat. Her body went completely limp for a fraction of a second before tensing up, then she stood resolute as if there was no hangover in the first place. Doubting it at first, Fluttershy moved the door back and forth, making it squeak over and over. Sure enough, no pain. She squeed and jumped on her friend, giving her a warm hug.

"Oh thank you, Twilight! I don't know what I would have done if I had to deal with that all day!" She released her friend, getting serious. "I'm never touching another drop of cider or alcohol ever again! Nothing was worth THAT migraine!"

Her friend giggled. "You're welcome, Fluttershy! And trust me, I'm not drinking anymore, either. Even with the spell I just cast, cider isn't worth the pain."

Just as Twilight was finished talking, Rainbow Dash landed in front of them, with Applejack coming in from behind on hoof. Rarity, wobbling to and fro, followed suit. The white unicorn had red splotches on her coat that looked sticky and thick, and she tried to hide these by wearing a thick cloak. Unfortunately, she seemed to have forgotten to finish said cloak, as her ensemble still had frays and pins sticking out of it like a pin cushion.

She removed the cloak in an attempt to be showy, but the odd thing ended up stuck on her horn and it started tearing.

"Oof!" She grunted, her forelegs wiggling. "Can somepony help me get this off?" She said with a bit of a slur. She gasped and immediately added "But do be careful! I'm making this for-" she hiccuped suddenly. "Somepony, er, thing... I don't know. Help!"

Suppressing giggles, Rainbow and Fluttershy flew over her and lifted the thing off gingerly. The pins fell to the ground, causing the cloak to fall into ribbons of fabric.

Rarity, slightly annoyed, said "Oh forget it. This travesty isn't worth saving."

AJ had a smug face. "Your fancy tarp thang, or your dignity?"

Twilight walked over to Rarity and repeated the spell, removing her hangover. Rarity looked at herself, then screamed. "Sweet CELESTIA! My COAT!" She immediately ran into the cottage to take a shower, causing everypony to giggle.

Applejack turned towards Twilight, grinning. "That spell ya go there sure comes in handy fer clearin hangovers, Twi."

"It's supposed to be a spell to help clear negative thinking, but it seems to work for that too, I suppose."

The farmer nodded. "Say, speaking of hangovers, we got a proposition for ya, sugar cube."

A chill crept up her spine. She knew what was to be said next was a bad idea. "What is it?"

"Me and Rainbow got to talkin' last night, and we wanna know who can hold their cider better." She winked. "That spell of yers can clear any hangover, right?"

"In theory yes, but I haven't-"

"So we want you to use it on the winner of our Iron Liver competition!" Applejack said, getting excited.

Twilight face-hoofed, shaking her head. Really? After everything they've just gone through they want to pickle their livers in an attempt to see who can hold more booze? "Applejack, I'm not going to have any more to do with alcohol, even if I'm not drinking it."

Rainbow landed, a look of pleading on her face. "Aw come ON, Twilight! You're the only pony who knows how to do that spell, right? It's GOTTA be you that sobers up the winner!"

"Or you could NOT have this dumb competition in the first place!" She said, ignoring the cyan mares puppy-dog face. "Friendship may be my-"

"Uh, sugarcube, before you start on a friendship rant, c'mere for a second." Applejack motioned with her hoof.

Twilight walked to AJ, skeptical. She leaned in to whisper, "What's this about?"

"How much of last night do you remember, Twi?"

"Well, I remember Rarity leaving early to go drink wine with that foreign pony." She looked up towards the cottage, hearing Rarity singing in the shower. "After that, not much. Why?"

"Wel, ah reckon if you get to thinkin fer a bit, a certain memory'll come back to ya."

Three. Two. One. Twilight's face flashed crimson, then she glared at Applejack. "You wouldn't dare."

The farmer pony shrugged. "I know I ain't one to normally gossip, Twi, but my reputation is ridin' on this bet. We bumped hooves on it, and I don't back down from a challenge. That challenge has got to have some kinda prize, and instant hangover-removal sounds mighty fine to me." She thought for a bit. "Well, that and the Bits we wagered."

Twilight huffed, bothered by Applejacks under-hoofed tactics. She may be the Element of Honesty, but that meant she wasn't obligated to keep any secrets, as well. "Fine. I'll do it."

Applejack nodded. "Thank ye kindly, Twilight."

They heard a springing noise coming from down the road, and everypony turned to see their favorite bouncy, pink mare making her way down the road. There was a pink Pegasus flying behind her, a colt with a coat as vibrant as Pinkie's, possibly more so. They were chatting away and giggling every so often, each snorting playfully. They reached the group, the colt landing next to Pinkie laughing.

Rainbow, excited to see another Pegasus in Ponyville, walked forward with her hoof extended. "Hey there! I'm Rainbow Dash, fastest flyer in all of Equestria!". This caused the rest of the group to do their usual eye-roll.

The colt hesitantly returned the greeting. "Hi. I'm, um, Brew Brain. Nice to meet you."

Applejack trotted over to the newcomer. "Brew Brain, huh? Guessin' that means you're real into cider production."

Brew shook his head, chuckling slightly. "Not just cider, no. My family has business all over Equestria, and even beyond. We cover every single type of alcoholic beverage you can imagine!"

The two leaned in, curious. "Really, now?" They said in unison.

Pinkie put her hoof over Brew's shoulder. "Yeah! His family has a super-gigantoramically big brewing empire! He's..." She stopped to count for a bit. "Fourth in line to take charge! Not only that, buuuut" she squeeled as she pulled him in close. "He's super-incredibly-amazingly-wonderfully-undoubtedly FUN at parties!" She realized how close she was holding him to her, and backed away blushing slightly and grinning.

Fluttershy spoke up. "Gosh! Isn't that a lot of stress to take on for somepony so young?" She clarified,"The business I mean, not the partying."

He shrugged casually. "Eh. It's a bit of a hassle, sure. I've been taught how to run the industry all my life, so I can handle anything that it can toss at me."

Twilight smiled. It was good to see somepony so young already have an idea of their lot in life, especially if they enjoyed it. Now that she thought about it, she wondered exactly how young he was. He wasn't fully grown, yet he obviously wasn't a child either. She'd have to guess mid to late teens, at best.

Applejack interrupted her train of thought. "So, I reckon that if ya know so much about alcohol, you musta drank plenty then?"

He scratched the back of his head, shyly. "Oh, well, yeah. I suppose you could say that, sure."

"How much can ya handle? Three? Four pints?"

He shrugged. "I wouldn't know, really. I've stolen away a few sips, but my mother and father don't want me drinking too much while I'm learning."

Rainbow Dash smirked, unimpressed. "Come on, Brew Boy! You're gonna need to have more than that if you're wanna run your family's dynasty! Have you at least tasted cider before?"

He shook his head. "The most I've had were a few sips of wine. With dinner, of course. It goes really good with some various vegetables and-"

Applejack stuck a hoof in his mouth, muffling him. "Alright, that's enough. You're startin to sound like some fancy con-oh-sewer."

Twilight stepped forward, annoyed. "Why should he drink if he doesn't want to? He's a student, and a smart one at that. He doesn't have to guzzle down booze like some frat-stallion if he doesn't want to!" Fluttershy nodded in agreement, but not too fervently to have anypony notice her. Just then the door of the cottage opened, steam pouring out in great plumes and enveloping everypony in warm, wet air. Rarity stepped through the mist, a pink towel wrapped around her mane and matching bathrobe adorning her body.

"I'm so sorry to interu-hupt," she said in sing-song, "but Fluttershy, darling, where do you keep your conditioner?" She paused when her eyes landed on Brew-Brain, her legs completely stiff, her face as red as the wine that had been splotched onto her coat. Everypony else looked at Rarity, then Brew Brain, then back again. Backing away slowly into the mists once more, she closed the door silently behind her, making sure the handle made as soft of a click as possible as it settled back in its frame.

Pinkie looked to her new friend to see his face set in annoyed disbelief. "What was that all about, Brew?"

"She was at my house last night."

The girls gasped. Scandalous!

"With my older brother."

Rainbow pointed at the cottage, the steam finally clearing. "HE'S the reason Rarity's coat was covered in splotches of wine?" He nodded, causing the mare to fly into the nearest cloud and laugh hysterically. Brew face-hoofed, Twilight following suit.

Applejack looked toward the newcomer once more. "So, you've got a big brother too, huh? He a big drinker?"

He huffed, obviously annoyed. "Yeah, too big if you ask me. He guzzles down whatever has any sort of alcohol in it, even MOUTHWASH". He took a breath, clearing his head and regaining his composure. "He's the shame of our family; a black sheep."

Fluttershy bridled, immediately giving The Stare at the pink colt and emasculating him. "Why's it have to be a BLACK sheep, huh? Why not a red sheep, or a yellow sheep? Everypony HAS to immediately insult the BLACK sheep! It's always-"

Rainbow flew down, wiping away a tear from her laughing fit. She stopped when she saw Fluttershy giving Brew Brain a rant about the  Anthropomorphic Animal Civil Rights Act and how the color of ones coat doesn't necessarily mean the color of one's soul. She looked to Applejack and Twilight, who simply shrugged.

AJ turned to her cyan frienemy, immediately excited. "Rainbow! I think we may have a third contestant for our little wager!"

"Who'd that be, AJ?" Rainbow asked. Then she remembered. Brew's big brother. She grinned in anticipation.

Both ponies immediately ran or flew down the road with Pinkie Pie bouncing behind them. Twilight contemplated who to go with, then gave up and went in to check on Rarity.

***

"-and that's what I think of your little remark, you speciesist, color-blind, bully!" Fluttershy went to inhale, opening her eyes from screaming, then stopped when she realized that Brew Brain wasn't there anymore. Looking around, she couldn't see a trace of him. Not even a trace of a trace of him. She wondered if she was too hard on him, then started to whimper and sob a bit at the thought of being so mean to somepony she didn't even know very well.

She didn't know it, but a pink stream of smoke slinked down the road like a serpent, following the hoofsteps (and bounces) of the mares that ran down the road.

Hopefully, it wouldn't be too late to stop them.