In Which the Revolution is Skipped Over And The [Censored] Is Found to be lacking
Deep in the center of Badlands, deeper into the crust of the earth, take a slight left when you reach magma, going back up the crust of the earth out again, and spin three times clapping your hooves crazily as many times as you can do it, and faint near what is the few patches of greenery in the Badlands, you’ll be taken to the Hive, home of the Changelings.
In this Hive, you’ll probably never leave if you’re a pony. Sorry. If you’re a changeling, you can live a long and happy life so long as you follow all the rules correctly. Not laws. Laws are the evolved version where you have to go through bureaucracy. Rules are things easily changed when the supreme ruler decides so.
We give you a glimpse into the punishment for breaking the rules which interestingly enough is death for everything. They do however give you last words here if you’re a pony or changeling.
Executions are carried out in a shooting. Three changelings all have their horns aimed at the victim, another changeling in this case, with an officer overseeing the proceedings. No uniform. The wall behind the victim is usually littered with scorch marks.
“Any last words”, the changeling executioner asks the blindfolded changeling as a courtesy.
“Oh yeah.” The changeling victim, excuse me, Very Important Mortal or VIM says thrusting out his chest.
“...”
“Were those your final words?”
“Oh no!” the blind folded changeling frantically shakes his head,” I’m just trying to think of something good to say!”
”It doesn’t matter. No one here is recording for posterity.”
The sound of paper screaming as it is scarred forever by the etching of a pencil can be heard.
The commanding officer scratches his head and corrects himself, “Never mind. Bob’s writing it down.”-The third changeling on the far right waves his hoof even though the blindfolded victim can’t see it-” Better make it good then.”
The blindfolded changeling nods his head in thanks and composes himself and says in a strong, confident voice,” Take a step forward lads! It’ll make it easier that way!”
“Nice! Very confident! Suave and macho.”
“Geez! Thanks!”
“You ripped that off from the execution last week, didn’t you?”
“Yeah. Yeah I did.”
“It was a good line, but we won’t actually do it. Sorry. New rules and all”
“Yes. I completely understand.”
The To Be Executed victim last week was an earth pony mare who had infiltrated the Hive in an attempt to gain information.
She was quickly captured and taken in.
When asked what her final last words were the exact same as the lines previously ripped off,”Take a step closer lads! It’ll make it easier!”
The ‘lads’ actually did this.
When the changeling officer was later questioned on what happened, a garbled account full of crying and the release of bodily fluids was seen. The closest translation to what happened, excluding the tears, bodily fluids, retching, long periods of silence, self torture, coffee breaks, etc. etc. was this:
It was horrible! Horrible! We all took a step closer when suddenly she broke the restraints. She whipped the chain around Frank’s neck and whipped him into Sam. She punched me right on the horn. It almost snapped. Roy tried shooting her, but she used me as a shield. I fainted. By the time I woke up again, we were all tied up upside down hanging from the holes in the ceiling. She was waiting for someone to unlock the door, but she got bored! She turned off all the lights. All of them! She began pushing us from where we couldn’t see. And then she began singing a creepy song. So creepy. I don’t know how it worked, but carnival music began playing and she started singing about how she couldn’t decide whether or we should live or die. Oh please don’t hang your head and cry. Oh you’ll probably go to heaven. Please don’t hang your head and cry…
The recorder stopped recording because he got the willies from the rest of the song.
After that, an unspoken rule was to keep far away from prisoners. It obviously had nothing to do with the fact that it was because the ‘chains’ were actually rope. Strong rope, but easily broken.
Or the fact that she was highly trained officer of the Night Guard.
Or the fact that she actually had bat wings that she hid.
Or the fact that they didn’t check for knives of any kind on her personnel.
Or the fact that the executioners were newbies.
Nope. Must have been the fact that they just stepped closer.
“So… Anything else? Anything? Or just die in shame knowing that you a mare had a better last line than you?”
An unspoken thought goes through all of the changelings standing on the side,” Oh, you did not just challenge his masculinity.”
Well most of them except the one writing and the one wearing glasses. You know. One of them thought that, the glasses wearing one though,” Well, she escaped after freeing all the prisoners, so technically she’s still out there and alive.”, and Bob just kept on scratching away with his pencil.
“No! But it’s just so hard!-” the changeling officer begins to walk away”- This blindfold is itchy and the cotton strapping my wings down hurts, and I’m sure I’m losing blood circulation in my left knee where SOMELING chained it too high.”
“Hey! It’s not like you’re going to be needing it after this!”, says the accused changeling defensively. From left to right, he is the first changeling shooter. For our purposes, the shooters are now known as first shooter(Bored, wants to get back on writing his shipfic between Chrysalis, Shining Armor, and Cadence), second shooter(Glasses wearing dork collaborating with first shooter on said shipfic), and third shooter(Bob, writing one for this scenario AND the shipfic. He likes writing, we don’t know why.)
“Well, you’re right, but I just wish I was wearing my favorite cotton socks instead.”
“READY!”, the changeling officer shouts.
“NO! NO! Please! Don’t shoot me after the socks line!”
“It’s a perfectly okay line!”, a changeling groans,”Starswirl once said a famous line about socks!”
The line interestingly enough was what started a fetish over the next millenia. Luna would encounter some awkward moments wearing her favorite quadruplet of socks to her Night Court, but it helped her public image a lot. She has yet to live down the gossip though.
The famous line about socks was, and I quote,”I like socks. I definitely have a fetish. I love to see a mare’s body, but it has to be framed by a pair of socks. Socks are so soft and a mare’s hooves should be just as soft as her body when we get into bed and [The rest of the quote cannot be completed as to the sensitive nature of this content. The real reason this quote is famous is because it was an hour long self debate over whether [Censored] was better than [Censored] with a hint of [Censored] story telling. It is typically only quoted at Ponyfinder conventions by nerds who have not yet been graced by female company and at events when somebody(To be speciestly fair) needs to prove that something about something menial can become famous.]
The ponies who recorded it were his “friends”.
The victim, sorry VIM, who is still standing, rebuts the comment with“He only got away with that because he was getting senile but ponies still thought he had all his marbles with him! BUT HE DIDN’T!”
Interestingly enough, Starswirl the Bearded was actually slightly senile as he grew older, but was still devastatingly ingenious. The comment about the marbles is inaccurate. He did keep his marbles with him since he was a little colt, but would lose them in this very Hive when he infiltrated and later escaped by tossing all of his marble down a stairwell to trip his pursuers.
“Not true!”, the second shooter defensively says,”Starswirl the Bearded lost all of his marbles when he threw them down the stairs in a cowardly manner to trip up his pursuers.
Awkward stares. “I read a lot! Geez!”
The changeling officer says,”That was classified information. How did you get it? If you do not tell us, we will be forced to execute you for treason!”
“I stole a book from the Canterlot Library!” the changeling sobs.
“You’re promoted to Lieutenant, Private!”
“Wait, what?”
“For infiltration into the highest levels of the pony government, it is within my power to grant you an advancement. However, proof will be needed.”
“Oh”, the changeling digs into his mane and pulls out Starswirl the Bearded: The Complete Autobiography,”Starswirl the Bearded actually admired us you know.”
The two changelings beside him withhold the urge to shout out the famous line,”NEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRD!!!”, because he’s their friend and he can now give them detention for disrespecting a superior officer.
Mostly the latter. Friends aren’t friends if they aren’t assholes to one another.
For those who say that friends aren’t assholes to one another. I’ll refer to you to every single scene in Shonen manga, epics, betrayals, backstabbing, argument…
Just… Just accept the fact that we are all assholes.
And for those of you who don’t like the little snippets of offtopicness, please refrain from commenting on them.
ADHD is how we get good things in life!
“This is all very well and good, but I need to come up with better last words!” the victim screams.
“Were those your final words?”
“No!”
“Well, can you make it quick? We need to celebrate Ian’s advancement! And my horn’s getting tired” gripes the first changeling.
“Silence, Private! But can you hurry it up? It’s not like you’re the only changeling we need to execute today.” the changeling officer says. Damn it. I dub the changeling officer Matt.
“Oh! I’m sorry! Are you in a hurry for me to die!?”
“YES!” groans the first changeling who shall be known as Luke.
The new names for the changelings, because my finger hurt and why didn’t I think of this before!?, are as follows:
First Changeling Shooter(Strong, silent, easily annoyed type that is secretly shipping the Chrysarmordance ship.): Luke.
Second Changeling Shooter(Recently promoted due to book theft. Wears glasses. Is collaborating with Luke on shipfic.): Ian.
Third Changeling Shooter(Enjoys scarring books with his pencil. If the books happen to have a list of horrible pickup lines, terrible last lines, and a surprisingly good shipfic): Bob
Changeling Officer(Who is supposed to be putting a stop to Chrysarmordance shipfics after the Queen discovered a clopfic two months ago, but isn’t due to him being the one who wrote the shipfic.): Matt
Changeling Victim(Who needs to brainstorm metaphorically on a good last line. Helped collaborate with Matt on clopfic. Surprisingly has not thought of blackmailing Matt with clopfic): Jordan.
Finally, I the narrator, am DONE! I NO LONGER SUFFER FROM LONG DESCRIPTIONS FOR EACH OF MY CHARACTERS! I FEEL SO FREE!
Anyways, Luke gets sent to the corner for interrupting again.
“I only did it once!”, he protests.
“Once is enough!”, Matt rubs his temples and says,”Now do you have anything left to say? Anyone you want to say?”
“... Tell my children I died bravely!” Jordan shouts..
“You have no children!”, Matt yells.
“Your mom has no children!”
Matt facehooves hard. He rubs in the hoof saying,”I want you to think. THINK for a second. About the logic of that!”
“Sorry.”
“Sorry!”, Matt rubs his face harder,”Jordan! Fuck! I’m breaking protocol by this, but will you for the sake of Love and everything that sustains the two of us THINK!”
“Isn’t that an insult to Queen Chrysalis?”, Ian asks,”Seeing how she gave birth to all of us?”
Matt points at Ian,”SEE! EVEN THE NEWBIE THINKS MORE THAN YOU DO!”
“Shut up”, Jordan mutters.
“I mean you’re insulting yourself too”, Ian continues,” Because aren’t you denying your own existence by saying that our queen didn’t give birth to you?”
“I get it.”
“I get it”, Matt says in a loud obnoxious high pitched voice,”DAMN IT! JUST THINK! I HAVE PAPERWORK TO DO!”
“And isn’t that an executionary offense?”-Ian continues, ignoring all the snickers his comrades are giving him and the non-existent glare he is being given from Jordan-” Using the Queen in an insult?”
“I GET IT!”
“And silencing the officer”, Ian is on a roll now. Nothing can stop him. Master of his fate with nothing that can…
“Ian.” Matt says wiping a tear from his multi faceted eye,”You can stop now.”
“Okay.”
“THIS DAY HAS BEEN HORRIBLE!”, Jordan collapses crying to himself. The blindfold dampens.
Luke raises his hoof and says,”Can I come back now? That’s a good line!”
“NO! IT IS NOT A GOOD LINE!”
Bob says his first words of the day and they are,”My hoof is getting tired!”
“THEN STOP WRITING!”
“But it makes me feel so good! Like writing and hearing the screams of paper as I scar them with meaningless words and phrases makes me feel so empowered and…” He trails off seeing Matt look at him weird.
“Anyways, yeah, my hoof hurts. And just come up with a stupid line already!”
“Why is everyling hating on me!?”
“BECAUSE YOU’RE BEING STUPIDLY OVERCOMPLICATED!” screams Matt.
After a few deep breaths, everyling is back in position. Matt takes a deep breath and says calmly,”Now… Is there anybody else you want to leave a message for? A loved one? Somebody you crushed on? What?”
“Tell the world my story!”
“YOUR STORY OF WRITING A FRICKING CLOPFIC ABOUT A THREEWAY… That I collaborated with you on…” Matt pauses to think about it. “Shit, I’m screwed.”
“Shouldn’t you be standing here next to me then?” Jordan smiles nastily.
Matt takes off his officer’s hat and fashions a blindfold out of it and stands next to Jordan.
“Shit. Now what do I say?”
“Don’t steal my line.” Jordan accuses Matt of that particular thought process.
“Really? You’re telling me that you actually have a good line?”
“...”
“That’s what I thought.”
Luke puts in his second thought of the day and suggests,”How about you guys talk about what was going through your mind today as you walked here?”
None of the shooters look fazed at the fact that their commanding officer just joined and became the second VIM. Inside however…
Luke’s thought process: HOLY LOVE! I AM STANDING IN THE PRESENCE OF THE GODS OF THE CHRYSARMORDANCE MOVEMENT, SADO AND MASO! I FEEL SO BLESSED!
Ian’s thought process: Why do we have to do this!? WHY MUST WE KILL OUR OWN GODS!?
Bob’s thought process: And thus they banged. The End.
Jordan thinks for a while and said,”I was thinking about how the wedding should have played out.”
Matt laughs and bumps shoulders with his friend turned VIM turned enemy turned friend again and says,”What a coincidence! I was thinking the same thing! Princess Celestia as the priest right?”
“And Luna to give Queen Chrysalis away, right? I mean they did team up during that Nightmare Moon phase of Luna right?”
“Yeah! She could be the mistress for Shining Armor that Chrysalis and Cadence join in on!”
Hearing this discussion, Ian and Luke break down and cry,”I CAN’T DO THIS!”
“ME TOO!”
“Don’t make us do this Sempai!”
“PLEASE NO!”
Jordan instantly understands and says,”But you must!”
“Yes! You must!”, Matt follows up,”We must die! You three! You shall carry on the dream!”
Bob drops his scarring implement for his book and asks in surprise,”You knew!?”
“Yes! I knew! I should have stopped you, but I couldn’t!” Matt weeps shonen man tears,”Go! Live! And revitalize our dream!”
Bob has stopped recording and charges up his horn.
“Any last words?”
“Tell Queen Chrysalis that she should stop acting tsundere and just bang Shining Armor and Cadence already.”
KABOOM!
“And that’s how I chose my bridesmaids!”, Chrysalis tells her new husband and wife.
Cadence cocks her head and asks,”But weren’t they male?”
“Please! I’m the queen! A simple sex change spell was all that was needed!”
“Like the one you used to make Gleaming Shield?”
“Good times… Good times…”
…
What the hell just happened here?
Author's Note
So yeah. It was based on a Studio C playscript, but...
Tell me what you think please!
