My Absolute Mostest Horriblest Day EVER!
"My Absolute Mostest Horriblest Day EVER!" as told by Pinkie Pie:
Oh my gosh let me tell you about my absolute mostest horriblest day ever! No, well, actually it was worse for Twilight Sparkle and Spike than me. And now that I think about it I think Princess Celestia had the worst day of all.
It all started when Spike spit out a scroll one morning telling Twilight to come back to Canterlot right away, but it didn't say why or anything. I figured it must be some big surprise party! Twilight thought it was really weird, you know, that Princess Celestia didn't send those hunky pegasusses (or did I put in an extra S?) to come pick her up or anything. Rainbow Dash said her and Fluttershy might be able to pull a light chariot or something if it was just her and Spike, but they really can't lift a whole lot. Besides they were busy with stuff and Applejack had to work. Work work work! That's all she does it seems like, but I suppose she wouldn't have been able to do anything either. Anyway, none of them believed me and said it was probably usual stuff and nothing exciting would happen. But boy were they wrong!
So anyway I was all like, "Can I come with you? Please? Pretty Please!" and all that, so finally Twilight said yes. (Well, she said it really loud and kind of mean.) Rarity wanted to come 'cause she wanted to be in Princess Celestia's audience. I said, "Wait! Princess Celestia is putting on a show? A comedy act maybe!" but Twilight said it wasn't that kind of audience. Too bad 'cause I'd have really liked to see her telling jokes. That would have been so much better.
So Twilight and Spike and Rarity all packed up food and stuff and I made sure we had plenty of party supplies and treats. When we started galloping I was just behind Twilight. Spike mumbled something about wanting to ride Rarity so I told him to just ask her, silly! But he groaned and said I didn't understand. He seemed grumpy so I went ahead a little so I could talk to Twilight instead. She muttered something to me about Rarity not letting down Spike easy, which is weird because she's always careful with stuff, but when I said that Twilight told me I didn't understand at all.
Why is everypony always saying that to me?
Anyway, so we get to Canterlot and Rarity says she's gonna go clean up and look nice in case Princess Celestia tells Twilight she can see her. So me and Twilight brush each other off a bit but she's in a rush to see what's going on. She was all fidgety and stuff too because the guards weren't outside, but I told her it would be okay. I still thought it was some sort of surprise for her or Spike or something. Well, it was a surprise.
So Spike and her ran in 'n told me to wait in the foyer with the guards there. They were all such party poopers! They wouldn't talk to me or smile no matter what I did. I was really silly, seriously, but they didn't even move. Stupid meanie heads! I tried to give one a cupcake, put it right up to his mouth, but he didn't even look while it smushed his face. Then I tapped on him and he was real hard. (giggle No, I don't mean down there, you dirty girl!) He was like really a statue, but kind of not too. I laughed at first 'cause I thought it was kind'a a joke or something, but then I thought it wasn't very funny. For some reason I started crying and ran to find Twilight and Spike.
Then everyone in the grand hall was frozen and stuff too. Twilight was crying really hard. She was by the throne and Celestia was lying on the ground. See, first I thought maybe it was some sort of joke for just royal people but then I figured if Twilight was crying it wasn't a joke because it wasn't funny.
It looked like someone had spilled raspberry jam all over Princess Celestia. Well that's what I thought because even though that's weird it makes more sense than anything else, right? So I thought may she'd slipped or something while eating toast. But Twilight was crying so hard all over her, and Spike was sitting on the ground all balled up and rocking back and forth. So I was all like, "What happened?" and stuff but he wouldn't answer me, so I went to Twilight but all she could do was put her head against me. Her crying got me all wet too. (Don't joke! This was a really bad thing, you stupid heads!)
Twilight just kept sobbing and stuff, "She's gone! Princess Celestia is gone!" and I'm like, "No, she's lying right there." That made her cry even more. Now I know everypony's right about me not getting stuff.
Before I could ask I got kicked really hard, and I mean totally so very much really hard that I flipped over a few times and my head hit the floor. But I hit my head a lot so no big. I got up and looked and saw little Princess Luna, well, she's bigger than me but still little compared to her big sister, which is why I guess she's called the big sister, but why are you making me talk about that 'cause it's not important now! Sheesh!
So there's Luna, still kind of doe eyed and cute like after Twilight and us went all Sailor Moon on her but she looked all mad. She had Twilight pinned to the floor by her neck and was trying to pull something over her face with her other hoof. I tried to run over but my legs were chained to different columns so I could barely even stand. Sure I've gotten really tangled up by accident in stuff before but I thought this was like the best worst ever... I think. But it turns out it was Luna who did it.
She was having a hard time and I didn't know what was going on and was all afraid 'n stuff so I just yelled, "Princess Luna! Why don't you just hold her with both hooves and use your thingy-levitate-y powers or whatever?" She told us why later, but I guess it was a pretty dumb thing to say in the first place.
Luna laughed really hard and lifted her hoof off Twilight's neck, which seemed like a good thing but when Twilight gasped and screamed all really mad, "Pinkie Pie!" Luna shoved a bit in her wide open mouth, kind'a like what stallions do to me sometimes. But that's fun stuff and this definitely wasn't. It turns out the thing she was putting on Twilight was a fancy bridle. It was really super pretty, if a bit big for Twilight. Once it was strapped on tight Luna just let her go and smiled down at her like she was a cute sleeping foal or something.
Twilight jumped and spun around, all red faced and gasping and all RAWR! like. She hunkered down and I thought she was gonna charge, but Luna just started walking to her, like nothing was weird, which was weird in its own way besides the way it was already WAY weird. Then she, I mean Twilight, started backing away. She kept closing her eyes for a few seconds, and then she even scrunched them really really hard a few times. Twilight suddenly got really scared and backed into a statue of a unicorn, or maybe it was one of the frozen dudes, and the horn poked her in the butt.
When she jumped it made me laugh really hard even though I knew I shouldn't have.
Luna just kept walking slow and Twilight was whinnying and using her hooves to pull the bridle off but it wouldn't budge. She even turned and tried to use the horn to snag it but all she did was cut herself on her face. Then Luna was right next to her and Twilight whined all angry and stuff and tried to say stuff but it all sounded like, "glrlrgrrsfffeinuuuifffsht!"
"So, here is my sister's famed 'Faithful Student' ha ha ha." Even though Luna's voice was still kind'a cute it didn't sound very nice. Then she says, "What's that? I can't understand you."
"Well duh!" I yelled, "'cause you put a thingy in her mouth! Take it ... MRFFM!" She used her tell-a-kin-"eat this" or whatever to pull a curtain down and gag me. PTOOEY! She even tied a big bow behind my head with it. I saw it in a mirror and it looked so ugly. I wished Rarity had been there too because she'd have at least picked out something with better taste. (Hahaha, I made a funny! I know this is all serious and stuff but you have to admit that was pretty good.)
Then Spike's yelling for Twilight to run away and get help. I look and he's on his side and wrapped up in more chains than at a hip-hop convention. But they weren't really gold and silver, just so you know, but now he can't do anything either. Luna snorts or snickers and she's looking at him. Twilight just stands there for a second 'cause I guess she doesn't want to leave us but then she runs to the doors. But right when she gets there it's all SMACK! and the doors close fast like pinball paddles and knock her back into the hall and she landed on her butt.
She cowered and then Luna grabbed the bridle with her mouth and dragged Twilight over by Spike. More chains and spreader bars (Please don't ask how I know what those are.) and stuff come out. Then Twilight's forelegs are spread and her head is pulled close to the floor but her bum is sticking up in the air.
Luna gets right in front of her and smiles at her again and says something like, "What's the matter? You don't like the beautiful bridle I made for my dear sister? Maybe that's because it makes you feel a bit drained." Then Princess Luna went on and on about how she spent months making that "aunty" magic (whatever that is) headdress for Celestia then got an audience. (I thought, "So BOTH princesses do comedy acts?") Well, she came and gave Celestia the present and since she was in front of everypony she had to try it on right away. After that Luna froze everyone and put the bit into the bridle. Then she played with Celestia...? I don't get that part.
Luna went on and on about how Celestia only cared about Equestria and never paid attention to her until she wouldn't put the moon away. But then Celestia only went on about what was good for the ponies and not why Luna was hurting so bad. Blah blah blah... Geesh, she wouldn't shut up! (I can't stand ponies like that.) But it turns out that she only pretended to be nice after Twilight and us zapped her because she didn't want to go back in the moon and wanted to be a sneaky sneak and get revenge instead.
"The once mighty Princess Celestia just looked at me and cried when I was about to kill her. I almost took the bit out to let her beg for her life, but it was too pathetic!"
Spike yelled at her and said that Celestia cried 'cause she loved Luna and felt sad. Duh, if I was about to be stabbed to death I'd be sad too. Well that made Luna really mad and she kicked him in the chest and then he couldn't breathe right. She told him that Twilight was just as bad, crying for her life. Hey I would! But I think Twilight was more scared for me and Spike. She's better than me like that.
Then Luna's all like, "On the bright side at least you can lick the straps and taste my sister's spit. After I broke off her horn she frothed like mad all over it." Eww! "It's the second-hand French kiss you always wanted to give my sister. Of course she could never actually show true love for anypony. She couldn't even understand that anypony loved her. Foalish child! She would never love you the way that you craved, no matter how far you had your snout up her rear." What? That's gross Twilight!
Then Luna said, "Speaking of things up in unsavory places..." and used her skeleton-ease-this or whatever to take Princess Celestia's horn and shove the wide end up into Twilight's baby place. She whinnied and screamed and started bleeding. Maybe she still had her cherry, but the end of the horn was really rough and jagged and stuff too. Luna made it go in and out while Twilight kept screaming through her gag. And I just cried.
Spike wheezed and stuff but was telling Luna to stop, like really begging her and stuff sometimes and then saying she won't get away with it. She told him how nice it is that he loves Twilight Sparkle so much because it'll be much more fun when she, Princess Luna, makes her, Twilight, watch as she, Luna, tortures and kills him, Spike, and then horns her you-know-what with his blood on it. "Rumor has it that he desperately wants to get inside a unicorn anyway."
Huh? I don't get it. (Now I'm saying it too!)
Well Spike turns away and closes his eyes while Luna pumps Celestia's horn even harder. But then Luna makes wires wrap around the column and hook into his eyelids and make him watch. Ouch! Then she goes on, "So you should do your best to enjoy this, Twilight Sparkle. Once I've dispatched your little friend I'll return my sister's horn to your womb, but the other end first. You probably won't even feel it pierce your insides as I thrust it all the way in, but as your body pushes it out on its own, slowly opening the deep wound, your blood will begin to flow. It will be but a trickle at first, but eventually it will be enough for you to bleed to death nice and slowly."
Where does Luna get this sick stuff?
"After the carnage is discovered, and my thorough investigation is complete, I'll announce the terrible news of how Princess Celestia's 'Faithful Student' was recalled for failing in her studies. When told she was being dismissed she went crazy and attacked my sister by surprise, mortally wounding her." Then she'll say how Twilight quickly killed Spike and the guards but Celestia got a really lucky stab while Twilight had her back turned to her.
"Afterwards I alone shall rule both day and night!" Then she did that evil laughing thingy.
Well then Twilight is looking at me all sad and stuff and I'm like looking back and crying 'cause I can't do anything. Luna tells Twilight that she's as cowardly as Celestia, but then Spike says how Twilight is really begging as a last request not to hurt me. After he said that Twilight wouldn't look at me anymore for some reason. But then Luna is like, "Of course, I won't hurt a hair of her pretty mane." I know I should have been a little bit happy or something but it was like I didn't care anymore because I didn't think I'd ever feel good again. Sometimes I still don't.
Then she really hurt my feelings. "I'll just leave your stupid friend in the Everfree Forest. She'll probably make it back to Ponyville, which is fine by me." She trotted over to me and went on, "After all, everypony already knows she's not right in the head. When she tells her story they will think she just cannot accept that her best friend was a traitor and murderer. Of course, I'll shower her with love support." Then she licked my face like really slow. Yuck! "I shall even tell everypony it's okay to leave her be. Maybe they won't lock her up for the rest of her life. But either way no one will ever believe her."
Spike screamed that I'm not stupid. It made him cough blood and was really gross, but that didn't make it any less nice of him. Then his eyes light up and he yells at Luna again that he's not going to let her hurt Twilight. "It ends now!"
That only made Luna shove the horn into Twilight really hard and then she stopped to laugh at him. "Oh, what could you possibly do about it, little baby dragon?"
Well, Spike takes in a really deep breath and his eyes get all glowy. Smoke was coming out of his mouth. Luna told him to go ahead because he can't move his head and would only burn Twilight. But then she gasped and smiled really big. "Oh, that's what you mean? Spare her the agony? Excellent! You can die knowing that you had to kill your best friend, and it will leave even less suspicion on me." She explained why but it was boring and I was too sad and confused to understand. Or care.
Besides I thought that's what he meant too, which was so sad 'cause it's one of those really romantic sacrifice thingies where everyone suffers the most. Now I feel even worse because, yeah, he did breath his fire all over Twilight's face. I never saw so much! But as Luna was laughing really hard Twilight threw her butt back enough to almost poke her in the face with Celestia's horn. I was so super mad that she couldn't reach, but then the bridle burnt up off Twilight's face! The smoke shot right to the point of Celestia's horn and then remasomthingulized on Luna's head. She reared up and started kicking and trying to pull it off, even scraping her head against the wall. It wasn't on right and Luna was yelling all sorts of dirty words the whole time, but it still must have kept her from using her magic.
Twilight used her tall-leakin'-thesis or whatever to unchain me then herself. She kept yelling at me to run away and get help, but I just had to go over to Spike while she untied him too. I thought she was French kissing him really hard for a second but she was making him breathe again, or well, trying. She's crying and saying he shouldn't have done that 'cause even if he wasn't hurt to begin with it was still too much for a baby dragon. I kind of think she's wrong since he did save us and everypony and stuff. But really I should have been paying better attention because suddenly Luna kicked Twilight over and tried to put the bridle back on her. They're all wrestling and stuff so I tried to jump in but Luna just kicked me and made me go flying into the wall like I'm nothing.
I don't like being treated like I'm nothing!
I got so mad but didn't know what to do until I saw Celestia's horn on the floor. I grabbed it in my mouth and then ran right at Twilight. I knew she wouldn't kick me even if she saw me, and with her in the way Luna couldn't hit me again. So anyway, I butted Twilight out of the way and got right in the princess's face. Luna didn't expect that. She stopped and just gave me a strange look.
And I shoved Celestia's horn right into her fucking chest.
It was weird. She just kept looking at me the same way for like a really long time. Then she said, "Even in death my sister has deeply wounded me once more." I yanked the horn out and blood went EVERYWHERE! Luna fell over and that was that.
Twilight just stared and I tried to tell her to go back to Spike. I forgot I still had the horn in my mouth but she knew what I was saying anyway. She looked really bad and she could barely make her horn glow at all. She was sobbing and saying that she couldn't do anything for him because she was so weak.
"Hellooooo?" we suddenly hear Rarity. I try to yell but, duh, horn in my mouth! Twilight begs her to hurry and tells her to help Spike. She says she doesn't know how but Twilight tries to teach her the healing spell really fast. (Seriously, isn't that like the spell EVERY unicorn should learn first so they can help ponies who get hurt?) Well, Rarity tries but it wasn't working. I was so sad I couldn't watch. I wiped Luna's blood off Celestia's horn on a curtain best I could before I went to Princess Celestia and gave it back. Very gently. Then I lied down and held her and cried.
I should have gone to look for help. I guess maybe I really am really stupid after all. But anyway Rarity suddenly started freaking out and screaming. She went on about how sorry she was 'cause she really liked Spike and just played hard-to-get and now she'll miss him so much. I don't think she knew how bright her horn got just then and then suddenly Spike coughs and says, "Yeah, but I have a thing for the bitchy ones." And then they're all happy... Well, kind'a. For a minute or so.
Of course that's when Luna's spell wore off and the guards and everypony started moving again, but all dizzy and stuff. At first I thought they were going to blame us for everything, but they knew it was Luna 'cause, yeah, she was the one who'd tricked Celestia and frozen them in the first place.
Well, Spike had to go to the hospital for a couple of weeks and Twilight insisted on staying in Canterlot to help get things cleaned up. And I mean it because she even made them let her help clean up the throne room for real. I think she felt like she owed it to Princess Celestia to take care of every part of her. Me and Applejack and Rainbow Dash helped too, and Rarity and Fluttershy took turns taking care of Spike. (Well, they both stayed in his room almost all the time and kept fighting about the best way to make him feel better. He pretended it bothered him but I think he liked it.) Rarity told everyone she only said all that mushy stuff to make him happy 'cause she thought he was gonna die.
Cow poop.
You know what too? The sun continued to rise and set all by itself, and the moon too. I guess they were so used to it that they didn't want to stop. Or maybe Celestia was still doing it somehow because she loved us so much. It made me think a lot about all the stuff Luna said for some reason.
Princess Celestia was made all beautiful and put in a lovely open coffin. It was surrounded with new pretty flowers every day while tons of ponies came from all over to say goodbye. They did that for weeks to make sure everypony got to see her. Also 'cause it took a while to build a really awesome mausoleum for her, right at the top of the mountain Canterlot's on. It's so beautiful. I think she'd have liked it even if it makes us all sad when we look at it. But I guess that's what it's supposed to do.
Twilight had all these meetings with bigwigs all the time, and between that and the really hard work and not sleeping she started to look really sick. Then one night guards came for me (in the nice way) and took me to one of the meetings too. Everypony there was really mad and it took me a while to figure out they were talking about what to do with Luna's body. They wanted to burn her, rip her into pieces and put her in the Everfree Forest for the monsters to eat. One mare yelled that she should just be thrown into the sewage system. Yuck! They just kept talking about all these nasty things and how much they hated her.
Suddenly Twilight cleared her throat and everyone shut up, just like that. She looked so small and frail compared to everypony else but they all hung on her every word. "Pinkie Pie is the one who stopped her from killing us and taking over all of Equestria," she said. Then she turned to me, "You've heard what everypony else says, but I'm leaving it up to you, Pinkie Pie. What do you say?"
I didn't expect that. I had to think, and that takes a long time, but then my other thinking about the sun and the moon came back to me. The whole time no one said a word. Finally I started crying and said, "We have to bury Princess Luna and Princess Celestia together."
They all got really mad and started yelling at me and calling me bad words, but Twilight jumped on the table and shot a lightning bolt that knocked down a whole wall. That shut them up. Then she looked right at me and seemed madder than everypony else. She gritted her teeth. "Pinkie Pie?"
I just said if Celestia had given Luna the kind of love she really really wanted then none of this really horrible sad stuff would've happened. Maybe if they're together now they can both be happy. I think that's what Celestia would want, 'specially after seeing how much she'd hurt Luna's feelings for so long.
Twilight came over and hugged me and nopony yelled at me anymore. Luna was secretly put in the crypt the night before Celestia's funeral. The next day it kind'a felt like Princess Celestia went there just to comfort her little sister.
Now Twilight tells everypony I'm the one who finally brought true harmony to Equestria.
