I looked all around the castle that was once my home.
Well it still is, but it changed grandly.
As did I, I'm now the princess of friendship.
I'm honored, but it really isn't me.
I'm not meant to be this 'princess', I'm not doubting my skill or anything it's just that this life... This body more so isn't me.
Allow me to elaborate,
I'm a stallion trapped within the body of a mare.
Yes yes I know that's not scientifically possible, but I mean that in the sense of that I was born in the wrong body.
Mentally I'm male, physically..... I'm female.
In canterlot as soon as I was about to undergo transition, celestia drags me over here and I develop friends.
I love my friends to death, but I can't just become sompony else if a group of ponies know that I'm twilight.
If that wasn't bad enough, I became a mother bucking princess.
A princess!
That's a HUGE responsibility that I cannot give up for my own selfish needs.
And I'm famous or something so every pony knows the name Twilight Sparkle.
I'm always being watched by paparazzi and guards.
Twilight can't leave anymore.
I'm trapped in this awful situation and I hate it.
I don't mean to sound pathetic, but really my mind is being wrecked like this.
One thing that always prevented me as a child from transitioning was my head.
My head is rather large believe it or not.
I couldn't wear a wig.
It was the largest in my class.
It didn't really look like it though.
I couldn't cut my mane since I was really sentimental about that, and besides I would be picked on by everyone.
My mother never really supported me and I never told my brother or father.
Nopony knows, and I have always kept it that way.
I admit it's not healthy to bottle up feelings, but I had no choice.
I even stooped so low as to self harm, but let's not get into that.
I realized after racking my brain as to what to do about my situation was to possibly resort to extreme measures.
My magic has improved extravagantly and it might be, dare I say, better than celestias.
I hated bragging, but right now it doesn't matter.
I can escape ponyville and start fresh.
I can use magic to hide my wings and make myself untraceable.
Cut my mane, change my name, change my voice and my cutie mark of course.
I trotted off into my restroom quickly, adrenaline was coursing through my veins as I thought of the actions I was about to make.
The question of as to whether I was going to go through with it pulsed in my mind.
I slammed the door shut and locked it, I doubted spike could hear me in this huge place.
Even the bathroom was huge.
The tub was like a pool, not my cup of tea especially.
I like small cozy places, this.... This is the opposite of that.
I looked up at the mirror and used my magic to lift locks of my mane.
I always wanted a blonde mane, but I'm not complaining about my own.
"You can't do this... You're the princess..."
My voice shook as I whispered to my reflection.
"What if equestria is in havoc once again?
What if this doesn't work?
What if your friends miss you?
You will miss them."
A lonely tear traveled down my cheek.
I clenched my eyes shut tightly as I shook my head.
I couldn't stand it anymore, I couldn't go another moment living like this any longer.
I think I was hyperventilating as I started cutting away at my mane.
I couldn't tell, I wasn't really aware what was going on as I did.
I don't remember anything except just hearing my rapid heartbeat.
I couldn't turn back now.
When I technically came back into consciousness, even though I didn't faint our black out, I was met with myself in the reflection but with a shorter mane.
I did a pretty good job actually.
It wasn't very short, it was a long stallions cut.
It looked like something that a shy colt would wear.
My bangs weren't like how they were before, they were apart of the body of the hair cut.
They morphed along with the rest of my mane, they were more styled too.
I didn't know that I could cut manes very well.
I had been reading upon the subject but I never really put my thoughts into action.
I turned my head left and right to view myself, I really did well.
I bit my lip and swore, I should've bought the mane dye before I cut it.
I searched every nook and cranny for some dye, as if I even had any.
Still I had to find something!
I opened one of the many drawers in here and a black bag caught my eye.
It was a elegant purse with a design of three diamonds stitched into the front of it.
"Thank you rarity!"
I squealed out as I realized whom the owner of the bag was.
I guess rarity left her bag the last time she slept over.
Inside was conveniently a bundle of miniature multicolored bottles.
A whole array of mane dye laid before me.
There were many pinks, few yellows, a couple of blues, a group of oranges, and a cluster of purples.
Among those few bright yellows was one color that certainly piqued my intrest.
It was a strawberry blonde that wasn't too bright, it was a color that was cute and soothing in a way.
It looked like it would go well with this new look.
I went through the long process of washing my mane, putting in the dye, waiting patiently, washing once more, drying, and brushing.
Once I finished my mane looked cute and soft, I couldn't help but smile brightly at my reflection.
I went through the bag once again and pulled out some contact lenses.
I decided to go with a deep blue instead of a crystal blue such as pinkies.
The deep color made the look more.... male and tough.
I looked at the bottles again to change the color of my coat.
I really did like purple, but I had to look completely different.
This was certainly a tough decision.
I thought about my friends and their coats, pinkie had pink.
I couldn't possibly go with pink, so that was out of the question.
I didn't think orange or yellow would look good, not that I didn't like applejack or fluttershys coats, it wouldn't look good with my mane.
It was a tie between white and blue.
Rainbows mane wasn't pure blue but it was really cyan.
I smirked as I came up with a solution, obviously I'd mix white with cyan.
A pale blue!
Brilliant twilight! ugh wait that has to go too.
I instantly remembered the name I used to call myself when I was thirteen.
I cleared my throat and practiced some vocal techniques.
"Hi, my name is BookMark"
A small smile tugged at my lips as the words casually escaped my mouth.
As I spoke the sentence over and over, I mixed the dye and slathered it upon my coat. I looked like a gooey mess. I giggled at my reflection.
"You're a mess BookMark!"
I laughed more and realized that even my laugh was deeper.
I turned my head over to the ginormous tank that was called the tub.
It was composed of gold and encrusted with lavender diamonds.
I mean everything in the castle, except the gold pieces in most areas, was purple.
It's crazy really.
I turned the knob so that it would cause warm water to push out.
The tub filled with water from the many faucets all around.
I decided to light a candle while I was at it.
After a couple of moments the room was filled with the scent of apple pie.
I laid back with my eyes closed as I let out a sigh.
Applejack gave me this candle, it was my favorite candle.
"I wish I didn't have to leave.... I'm going to miss you so much..."
I put my hoof on my heart and sobbed silently.
"I'm going to miss you so much"
I repeated.
I remember when she gave that candle to me, it was out of the blue.
We were having a good week together.
She even slept over a day, the others she and I would watch the sunset together.
I remember how the color from the sunsets sky would reflect on her golden mane.
It was beautiful.
She is beautiful.
I bit my lip and sighed once more, damn I would miss those gorgeous emerald eyes. Her laugh was a unique melody that made my mind go blank. She always smelled like cinnamon, it wasn't a strong scent actually kind of faint but I couldn't help but notice it. Her orange coat was also something to be desired, it was a nice pastel orange. Her smile wasn't like any other, it was on its own a work of art. It painted a whole picture, even her frown was beautiful. I absolutely love how her freckles were scattered onto her cheeks, it added some sort innocent. It was absolutely adorable. The way she put on her ponytails at the tips of her mane was the cutest thing I've ever seen, I honestly could go on forever talking about applejack and her beauty inside and out.
I remember when we defeated nightmare moon and she proved her honesty.
When she held my hooves as my frame dangled off the cliff, I stared into her eyes and saw so much emotion.
She's a nice and cozy mare, my type.
I washed away the dye from my coat with a cute little bar of soap that pinkie made for me.
It was a weird roll type of soap, it had a cotton candy scent.
I was really confused when she gave this to me that day, all my friends seemed to be flustered and upset when she gave this to me.
Here's what happened; she gave this to me and her face got red, rarity saw and got angry cause she gave me something too, so did fluttershy but she wasn't like rarity cause she was just disappointed I think, rainbow started getting upset and clingy, apple jack also got upset but it wasn't as bad. Really confusing day.
I actually felt a lot of tension that day.
I still have raritys gift, it was chamomile tea bags.
My heart swelled as I remembered raritys sparkling blue eyes when I opened the gift.
The cute way her eyebrows scrunched up as she waited for my reaction.
I put my head in my hooves and sat there like that for a while thinking about my friends and my feelings for them.
I'm a confusing pony.
I looked down onto my pale blue coat and smiled weakly.
I was still excited, honestly, but I couldn't deny the sorrow I held in my heart.
I emptied the tub and thought long and hard, where was I going to go?
As soon as I dried my mane I galloped over to my bed.
I took out a pen and paper, I started writing a letter over to celestia claiming I had to go oversea another country to determine some minor aspects.
The letter claimed I would be absent for a few months, I sent the letter in a hurry.
I didn't really need spike to send letters since I could do that myself.
As I awaited the princesses reply, I started packing.
I quickly put out the candle and packed it.
I packed the bags of tea that rarity gave me, they did smell nice.
I packed away a rugged grey beanie that rainbow gave me, it was her favorite one.
I smiled as I thought about how hard she and I blushed when she gave it to me.
It was during one of our sleepovers when she got clingy to be honest I liked it.
I levitated a small bottle over to me, it contained a yellow liquid with small multicolored flowers inside the liquid.
It was a lemon scented perfume that fluttershy made me, man my friends sure are crafty.
I then packed a notebook and a pencil.
I also packed away my favorite book as well as the first daring doo book I showed rainbow.
I knew where I was going, I would teleport myself over there as well.
I thought a couple times of making myself a cozy cabin, as if I could make anything.
I thought of snatching one of my friends with me on my journey so I wouldn't be lonely, that would most likely cause problems though.
I'm not sure what problems at the moment, but I'm certain some will arise.
The thought is nice though.
I didn't exactly know if a village or any sort of establishments were where I was heading.
I was heading off into uncharted lands, lands celestias name was unknown.
It sounds mysterious, but it's just land really.
Sometimes I'd humor myself and say it was in another dimension.
I chuckled at the thought, Bookmark you dork.
After packing away only few of my belongings I cast a spell to take any form of recognition off of all my other belongings.
Allow me to explain, I took off the ability for any pony to track me down using magic or hounds.
I doubt they'd use hounds, but magic was for certain.
One thing that scared me was the possibility that one or all of my friends would follow me.
"Of course not BookMark, you're leaving right now.... It's like you think that they're stalking you...."
I know, it's a bad habit to talk to yourself.
I needed comforting and nopony was there or would support me.
I looked at the mirror and jumped, I didn't even recognize myself.
I smiled in delight until I noticed I was still an alicorn.
"Where's that book.....",
I mumbled to myself as I looked through my bookshelf
"Aha!"
I flipped through the dry pages with care until I came across the segment I had been searching for.
In the past there was a feud between unicorns and Pegasi, it broke into an all out war.
Nobody messed with the earth ponies since they produced the food.
Anyway, there were those unicorns that got tired of the whole having to sneak around thing so they hatched a plan.
They conjured up a spell that hid their horns, it worked longer than expected.
The war died off and the spell remains, duh spells can't grow hooves and walk away.
I'd already decided as to which body part will go, not in that way....
I mean horn vs wings, the wings would go.
It was only logical, I needed magic and I can't fly all that well.
My wings would be there obviously, but the magic will make ponies completely unaware of that. Nopony could hear them or see them, or even feel them.
I cast the spell and it worked like a charm.
I flapped my wings and smiled, I couldn't even see the muscles on my back flex!
I got up and stood at the doorway of my room, I was really going through with this.
