Nurse Discord to the Rescue
Mosquito Bites Shouldn’t be Ignored
Fluttershy carefully pushed the final pin into place. “There, all finished,” she announced.
Scootaloo let out a relieved sigh. “Thank you, Fluttershy. I thought we’d have enough time to finish the enter… enta… bug project for school, but we… uh… lost track of time.”
“An’ by lost track o’ time, she means we tried ta git ice-cream-eating cutie marks,” Applebloom mumbled under her breath.
Fluttershy turned away from the shadow box full of insects and looked at the Cutie Mark Crusaders. Her head almost bumped the top of the clubhouse roof. A lantern full of (living) fireflies cast a pale light around the small, wooden room. Bits and pieces of the Crusaders’ project littered the floor. Scissors, pins, soft felt, a few books, papers, and pieces of tape surrounded the tree-sap-covered Crusaders. Fluttershy giggled. “These sorts of projects usually take more than one day.”
“I know! I said we shouldn’t procrastinate, but we had lots of crusading to do. This is the first day we haven’t gone crusading,” Sweetie Bell said, pointing to herself with a sap-covered hoof.
“Nuh-uh! We’re trying ta git our cutie marks in bug huntin’ today,” Applebloom supplied.
“We shouldn’t have pre-grass-din-ated, but we coulda got our cutie marks in enter-moiel-igy AND finished our school project.” Scootaloo shook her head. “I mean, if we weren’t crusading, why are we covered in tree sap again?”
Sweetie Belle’s brow fell flat. She pointed at a carelessly discarded dictionary in the corner of the clubhouse and deadpanned at Scootaloo. “Seriously? Do you even know what that book is?”
Scootaloo rolled her eyes in response. “If it isn’t an adventure book, I don’t really care.”
“Note to self: re-write next Daring Do novel to include words that will force Scootaloo to look in a dictionary, then give it to her for her birthday,” Sweetie Belle mumbled so quietly, nopony could hear it.
Applebloom sighed. “Time ta clean off this crud. Maybe we kin git cutie marks in tree-sap cleanin’?” she asked hopefully.
Fluttershy giggled behind a hoof before she turned to leave. “It’s getting late, I should head home.”
“Thanks, Fluttershy. Ya sure ya don’t wanna swing by Sweet Apple Acres fer a spell? I know how to make a mean mud pie. Mah sister says it tastes almost as good as a cow pie, whatever that is. Please? It’s the least we kin do, seein’ as how yer the only one that got bit by mosquitoes in Froggy Bottom. I guess gittin’ covered in tree sap is good fer somethin’.” Applebloom softened her expression as she looked at Fluttershy’s barrel.
Fluttershy idly scratched her belly with a hind hoof and winced. “Oh, I’ll be fine, it’s no big deal. A few mosquito bites never really hurt anypony…”
~~~~~
“Oh, Celestia, I hurt all over,” Fluttershy moaned. Lying in her own bed, surrounded by worried animals and thick quilts, Fluttershy opened her mouth and allowed Twilight to prod her tongue with a popsicle stick. She tried her best not to move, as any movement caused her joints to feel like they were being pried apart with acid-covered shards of glass. Angel stood on her head, gently patting her face with a warm washcloth.
Pinkie and Rarity stood behind Twilight, worry etched onto their faces. “I wonder why they hide tongue depressors inside popsicles?” Pinkie Pie whispered to Rarity, who took a moment to just look at Pinkie Pie with one brow raised.
Peering down Fluttershy’s throat with a magnifying glass, Twilight scribbled a few notes onto a notepad with her magic. “Interesting,” she mumbled. Behind her, Pinkie and Rarity fidgeted. Pinkie bit her forehoof, staring at Fluttershy, while Rarity pursed her lips and gasped at appropriate times.
Rarity huffed and spoke up. “I’m telling you, Twilight, a session at the spa would do her wonders. I’ve already booked a session in ten minutes. If you two could just help Fluttershy to the spa, we could—”
Pinkie cut her off. “We can’t do that, Rarity! What if she’s super-sick and has brain lesions? What if she’s losing her mind as we speak, and we’ll be friends with a vegetable for the rest of our lives?! What if moving kills her?!”
Fluttershy gasped, her face crinkled up, and tears leaked out of the corners of her eyes. Twilight gave her a wan smile. “I’m sure you’ll be fine; it’s probably just the flu. Drink plenty of fluids and stay in bed. Can you think of anything that might have caused this? Are you feeling any other symptoms?”
Fluttershy groaned. “I did get a few bug bites a week ago, but nothing major. It’s getting hard to swallow, and I feel tired all the time,” she complained. Her ears drooped as she shifted her weight and pressed her head into her pillow. “You’re sure I’m not going to die?” she asked.
Twilight shook her head. “I won’t let that happen. Like I said, I’m sure it’s nothing, but just in case, I’ll go back to my lab and perform a differential diagnosis right away,” she said, holding the vial of Fluttershy’s blood up to her eyes.
~~~~~
In a flash of green light, a rolled scroll fell into Celestia’s tea with a plop. She sighed and lifted the dripping scroll in her magic. Unrolling it, she scanned the text.
Luna sighed as the morning sunlight poured through the east-facing windows. She sipped her coffee and asked, “Ah, I see thou hast friendship-flavored tea. The best flavor. What does it say?” She set down her coffee, reclined into the high-backed, overstuffed chair, and smiled.
Celestia’s expression turned grim. “I’m glad to see you in good spirits, but it seems Fluttershy has contracted something mysterious. It defies Twilight’s attempts to diagnose, and she’s growing worried.”
Luna quirked an eyebrow. “Thou wouldst know better than I, but Twilight tends to fret over minor things, yes?”
Celestia shook her head. “That’s true, but there’s a short medical report in here as well. The signs are… troubling. Twilight is asking for an expert, since medical science isn’t her specialty.”
Behind her, perfectly hidden behind a transparent pane of glass, Discord gasped. “Fluttershy is sick? And requires medical attention?” he mumbled to himself. With a single gulp from his stately sippy cup, he drank the rest of his chocolate milk. Idly crumpling the ceramic sippy cup and tossing it over his shoulder, he looked in the direction of Ponyville. “She deserves the best that medical science can offer,” he said with steel in his eyes.
A fiery explosion rocked the castle garden as Discord’s cup hit the ground. “My leg!” somepony cried.
“Time to follow the hypocritical oath,” Discord said, as he pulled out a doctor’s bag brimming with bandaids, lollipops, and torque wrenches. “First, do some harm!” He grinned and hollered into the air, “Don’t worry, I’m coming to save you, Fluttershy!” He then snapped open a tiny parasol above his head and floated away.
~~~~~
“I just don’t understand,” Twilight huffed. “I’ve run every test I can think of. I hope the doctors at Canterlot can figure this one out.” Rarity, Pinkie, and Twilight trotted down the road leading to Fluttershy’s house at the edge of town. Their saddle bags bulged with comfort supplies: cans of alfalfa soup, a couple of board games, and enough blankets to defeat a minor blizzard.
Rounding the bend, the three mares stopped in the road. Angel raced towards them like a snowball in an avalanche. He circled around them, a hyperactive white blur. Twilight’s eyes spun in their sockets trying to follow him, until he stopped in front of her. Bouncing and pointing, he grabbed her fetlock and tugged her down the road. Twilight slid forward under the weight of the tiny rabbit, leaving furrows in the dirt. Pinkie pronked after them. “Wait for me!” she exclaimed, then bit down on Twilight’s tail, only to get dragged along as well.
Rarity stood in the road, mouth agape for a moment. Shaking her head, she trotted after them. “What’s gotten into him?” she asked.
“Steroids?” Pinkie guessed.
Rarity scoffed. “Don’t be absurd, darling. It isn’t like Angel is constantly angry or anything.”
Angel growled as he stomped down the road, dragging Twilight and Pinkie with one paw. He pulled at the hair on top of his head with his free paw in frustration. Within seconds, he sported a classic case of male pattern baldness. Twilight blinked, wide-eyed at Fluttershy’s rapidly approaching cottage.
~~~~~
“Git out, varmint,” Applejack growled. “We take care o’ our own. We don’t need yer help.” She stirred the soup on Fluttershy’s stove, a special recipe from Granny Smith. The bizarre creature floating around the kitchen drew her ire.
“Tsk, tsk, Applejack,” Discord said, shaking his head. “Don’t you know helping somepony when they’re sick proves they’re your friend?”
“‘Course Ah know that; that’s why you kin just mosey along, an’ let us take care o’ everything.” Applejack lifted the spoon out of the pot and sipped it, while keeping one suspicious eye on Discord.
“Oh, I don’t think so. You see, Fluttershy is my best friend, and I don’t want silly ponies violating the hypocritical oath around her. So, you’ll be the one to leave. Now,” he said, with a dangerous edge in his voice.
Applejack gave him stink-eye. “An’ what makes you think Ah’m gonna leave?” She blinked, then added, “An’ what in tarnation is the hypocrit—”
“Party Cannon,” Discord replied, nonchalant. Without warning, he grabbed Applejack by the tail and tossed her across the room. With a yelp, she landed flank first into the business end of a cannon, which wasn’t there two seconds ago. “I borrowed this from our good friend Pinkie Pie. Now, hold still— I’m still trying to figure out how to use this thing,” he said calmly, as he stuffed her into the cannon with a toilet bowl plunger.
Despite his choice of tool and Applejack’s struggles, Discord managed to jam her into the barrel of the cannon. He casually flipped the barrel over, pointing it out of the beautiful, delicate, double windows in Fluttershy’s living room. He snapped his fingers, causing a flame to appear at the end of his claw. He lit the fuse, then stuffed a talon into one ear, and the end of his tail into the other. Smiling, his tongue hanging out of his mouth, and his ear smoking from the snuffed flame of his talon, he watched as the cannon roared. Applejack hollered, her voice trailing off into the horizon. Discord shielded his eyes with his paw and watched her fly away, until a tiny, fiery explosion appeared far in the distance.
“My other leg!” a voiced said, carried on the wind.
The front door of Fluttershy’s house banged open. Angel stomped in, looking frazzled, dragging two mares with a single paw, with Rarity trotting after them. Angel let go of his captives and glared at Discord. He deliberately pointed at his own eyes, then at Discord, while baring his teeth.
Discord spread his arms, throwing back his cape (which he did not have a moment ago), and cried, “Welcome to Fluttershy’s home, now get out!” with a cheeky grin.
Pinkie Pie crouched and growled like a dog. Rarity gasped, then cried, “Who broke the window?”
“Applejack,” Discord replied, without missing a beat. He reached up and curled his horns like a sculptor. Now he sported a pair of thick, curly horns, like those of a ram.
“Hey!” Pinkie said, suddenly brightening up. “Here’s my missing party cannon,” she said as she picked it up and tossed it end over end, straight up. Twilight’s eyes grew wide, watching the mass of metal and gunpowder spin in the air. With a snap, Pinkie Pie swiped it with her tail… and it vanished into the fluff.
Discord scoffed and mumbled, “I could have done that.”
Twilight shook her head and focused. “Discord? What are you doing here?” Twilight asked.
“I’m not Discord. I’m an enchanter, here to cure poor Fluttershy of her terrible illness.” Discord stood in a spotlight, the back of his paw pressed to his forehead, with melancholy violin music playing the background.
Twilight tilted her head and asked, “If you’re not Discord, then who are you?”
“There are some who call me… Tim…?” Discord replied with uncertainty.
Twilight and Rarity went cross-eyed. “What,” Rarity deadpanned, “don’t be absurd, enchanters can summon fire without flint or—”
Discord idly pointed behind himself with a claw and several bursts of flame appeared out of nowhere, like a rain of invisible fireworks.
“My other-other leg!” a distant voice cried.
“My quest!” Discord said, with a booming voice, “...is to cure fair Fluttershy! Thou shalt not stop me, vile equines!”
“First of all, you’re not a superhero,” Twilight said with a shake of her head.
“Um, I beg to differ. Who’s wearing the cape here?” Discord asked, gesturing to himself.
Twilight ignored his question. “And second, we’re also here to cure Fluttershy. We have soup, and blankets, and we’re here to keep her company.”
Discord scoffed. “That won’t help her. What we need is a grenade!”
“WHAT?!” Rarity cried. “Why in the world would we need a grenade?!”
“To defeat that foul, vicious creature! The one with the big, pointy teeth!” Discord said, pointing at Angel with a shaky claw. “You’ve got one in here, right Pinkie?” Discord asked, as he stuffed his paw into Pinkie’s mane. He quickly drew back as the growling Pinkie Pie yipped and snapped at his retreating limb. “I’m hurt, Pinkie. I thought you liked it when I created chocolate-milk rain. Oh well, I found what I was looking for.” Discord casually tossed a black iron sphere, with a lit fuse sticking out the top, at Twilight.
It landed at Twilight’s hooves, and Angel reflexively caught it. He silently screamed at it, holding it at paw’s length, while an alarm clock rang somewhere upstairs. “Look out!” Pinkie cried, as she kicked the bomb with all her strength.
Angel had a death grip on the bomb, so he went flying out the shattered window as well. “Oh my, it’s time for Fluttershy’s colonic treatment. If you’ll excuse me…” Discord said with a smile. He twirled his cape and vanished in a little puff of smoke.
BOOM!
Distant thunder told of the bomb’s detonation. “Angel!” Rarity cried. “Oh well, he’s just a nasty rabbit,” Rarity added under her breath.
“My good leg! That does it!” a distant voice called.
“Where’s Applejack? Nevermind, I’m sure she’s fine. We’ve got to help Fluttershy, and keep Discord from making things worse,” Twilight said, looking at the stairway leading to the upstairs and Fluttershy’s bed room.
Rarity cleared her throat and asked “Um, what did he mean by ‘colonic’?”
“Something to do with syntax?” Pinkie said with a quirked eyebrow.
Twilight face-hoofed. “Um, Pinkie, colonic normally means to—”
“STAND AND DELIVER!” a deep, male voice boomed. A black pegasus stallion, wearing a cylindrical iron helmet and an orange boar’s head for a cutie mark, flapped into the house through the shattered window and flopped to the carpet in front of the three mares. “None shall pass until I’ve had my revenge!” He ‘stood’ at a laughable height, probably because he had no legs! All four of his legs had clearly been blown off.
Pinkie pronked in place. “Thanks, new friend! Now I know ‘colonic’ means to stand and deliver—” Pinkie’s ears fell and she stopped bouncing. “Uh, what should I deliver?”
“If thou wilt not take up arms, surrender! If thou play thy cards right, I might just let thee flee with thy tails between thy legs!” the black pony boomed. He growled and made biting motions at them, but without legs, his mobility was limited.
Pinkie brightened up again. “Cards? Okay, which game should we play?” she asked, drawing a few standard playing cards from her tail with a forehoof. She held a dozen cards, a few of them facing away from her, and stared at them with utmost concentration.
“I will not surrender!” Twilight cried at the black pony. “What are you going to do? Bleed on me?”
“I’ll not give up!” the black pony shot back.
“You’ve got no legs, you loony!” Twilight exclaimed, shaking her head.
The black pony glanced at his wounds and scoffed. “‘Tis but a scratch.”
“Oh please, obviously we win this round,” Twilight replied.
“Um, careful dear,” Rarity whispered, pointing at the ground in front of Pinkie. “You dropped a two.”
Pinkie looked straight down, saw the two of clubs on the floor, and gasped. “So that’s how you win this game! Thanks Mr. No-limbs! Now I know how to help Tim with the ‘colonic.’ I’m going to go drop a deuce on Fluttershy!” she said with cheer.
“You’re not leaving!” the black pony barked from behind his helmet. “I’ll bite your bloody legs off!”
Pinkie pronked right past him, humming the whole time. Twilight rolled her eyes and said, “Rarity, do you think you could take care of him?”
Rarity raised an eyebrow. “Take care of the legless loon while you take care of the complete loon? Deal,” she said with a small smile. “Good luck,” she called to Twilight as she lifted the black pony in her aura, while he snapped and growled at her.
Twilight trotted up the stairs after Pinkie, passing numerous pictures of fluffy animals in small frames. Twilight briefly stopped and smiled at a picture of her brother’s wedding in a large frame, showing the entire wedding party. Her smile dropped into a scowl when she saw all of the ponies in the picture had moustaches freshly drawn on them, except for Fluttershy. She charged up the stairs, into the hallway, and into Fluttershy’s room.
“What are you doing?” Discord growled at Pinkie.
Twilight stared wide-eyed around the room. Pinkie stood to the left of Fluttershy, while Discord stood to the right. His forelimbs spread wide, he glared at Pinkie Pie, who leaned over Fluttershy with her mouth open. Fluttershy looked perfectly miserable, with droopy eyelids, damp hair, and a frown mostly hidden by the two of spades. Several fluffy animals hid in various corners of the room, shrinking away from the crazy. Whether the source of fear was Discord or Pinkie, Twilight couldn’t tell. “Um…” Pinkie began, her ears falling. “I thought I’d help give Fluttershy a colonic by dropping a deuce on her. Did I do it wrong?”
Discord slapped his face with a claw. “If you want to drop a deuce, you need to do it right!” he barked.
Twilight’s mouth fell open. “Pinkie! You can’t—”
“You’ve got to use the two of hearts if you want to drop a deuce!” Discord exclaimed. Twilight literally fell to her stomach. “And that isn’t how you give a colonic! Watch me do it,” he said.
Twilight snapped upright. “Hang on! You can’t give—”
“Exclamation mark, question mark, semi-colon, comma, hyphen, period, apostrophe.” Discord spoke in a calm, soothing tone. Pinkie pursed her lips and nodded silently.
Twilight blinked. “What the hay‽”
“Shhh!” Discord whirled on Twilight and shushed her. “Don’t skip ahead! I haven’t gotten to the interrobang yet. I’m not even sure if that’s a real punctuation mark, and I’m the Avatar of Chaos for crying out loud!”
Twilight shook her head as if she’d been unexpectedly slapped. “What are you talking about?”
Discord smiled at Twilight. “Colonics! A medical professional once told me colonics can help a pony. I thought, ‘Now that’s just narrow-minded. If colons can help, why not the rest of the punctuation?’ Certainly everypony needs to brush up on their language skills every now and then. Don’t you agree?” he asked innocently.
“Buh… tha… wut?” Twilight sputtered.
“NO!” Discord exclaimed with a stomp of his hind leg. “I haven’t gotten to ellipses either! You’re just going to confuse her.” He sighed. “Well, I might as well get to the important one. See that, Fluttershy?” he asked, pointing at the fourth wall. “There’s a colon at the end of my sentence:”
“You can’t just add random punctuation marks to your sentences!” Twilight cried. “How would ponies communicate without a set standard?”
Discord rolled his eyes. “Please, you don’t have to follow every little rule. So long as the meaning of what you’re saying is clear, you can pretty much do whatever you want.” Discord smiled wide. “That’s what most fan-fiction authors do anyway.”
Twilight scoffed. “That’s not true! Careful use of grammar and—”
Discord snapped his fingers and a flashing red neon sign appeared, attached to Twilight’s head. A neon arrow pointed to her with a caption: ‘Grammar Nazi.’
Twilight batted away the sign, which hit the wall, sparked, and went out. “I’m not a grammar—” Twilight face-hoofed, then grumbled, “No-no-no, I’m not going to engage in a debate with a troll.”
Discord giggled and Pinkie gasped. “Does that mean you win the argument?” Pinkie asked. “You get a cookie!” Pinkie exclaimed as she gave Discord a chocolate chip cookie.
“DON’T FEED THE TROLLS!” Twilight screamed at Pinkie.
Discord looked at Twilight innocently, the cookie in his mouth. “Oh, my head…” Fluttershy groaned. “Please don’t shout, um… if that’s okay with—”
Pinkie gasped. “Of course it’s okay with us!” she shouted right in Fluttershy’s face. Pinkie’s ears fell, then she whispered, “Sorry.” She pulled Fluttershy upright and hugged her. Pinkie jerked back after only a moment. “Whoa, you’re burning up. Don’t worry, I’m not going to leave until I make you smile!”
Discord glared at Twilight. “I told you— I’m an enchanter, not a troll. Do trolls have horns?” he asked, gesturing to his now ‘normal’ horns. He whirled on Pinkie and growled, “And you! You can buzz off! I’m the only one who can take care of Fluttershy!”
Pinkie snorted and glared back at Discord. “Nuh-uh! I can make her smile, and keep her warm, and make her soup, and keep everything quiet while she rests!” Pinkie screamed, her voice echoing off the walls. Fluttershy pressed her ears to her head against the sound.
“Shhh!” Twilight shushed the others harshly. Pinkie looked sheepish, while Discord scowled.
“No, you shush up!” Discord sing-songed to Twilight. He turned back to Pinkie and said, “You sound like an air horn. And let go of Fluttershy, she needs quiet.” He crossed his forelimbs and glared.
“I’m not an air horn!” Pinkie shot back. She sniffled, tears rimming the corners of her eyes. Hugging the miserable Fluttershy, her fluffy mane framing her wide, blue eyes, she looked at Discord. Her lower lip quivered, and she sniffled again. His glare softened for a split-second, when Pinkie blinked away a tear and growled, “This is an air horn!”
Pinkie pulled an airhorn out of her mane and blew it right into Discord’s face. The long, horrible note blasted his cheeks back, made his eyes water, and assaulted his ear drums like… well, like an air horn blowing in your face. Seriously, there’s nothing more annoying than an air horn, except maybe a vuvuzela, but Pinkie didn’t know what a vuvuzela was. The worry that Pinkie would find one in Zecora's hut kept Twilight awake late at night, but for now, the eardrums of Ponyville remained safe.
...Except for Discord’s. Fluttershy and Twilight pressed their ears to their heads to defend against the auditory assault, but Discord couldn’t do much. He glared at Pinkie once the air horn stopped and asked loudly, “What?”
“I said, this is an air—!” Discord cut her off by snatching the air horn away from her and stuffing the business end into her open mouth. He slammed down the button, causing Pinkie to bloat. Her eyes bulged, her barrel inflated, her face expanded, and she floated off the ground like a helium-filled balloon. Discord quickly produced a bit of string and tied her mouth shut, popped out the air horn and tossed it through the window over Fluttershy’s nightstand. The window shattered with a tinkling of glass, showering the garden below. Pinkie’s pudgy legs wiggled in different directions as she gently bumped the ceiling.
Discord sighed, while Twilight gasped at the Pinkie Balloon. “Ahh, that’s better. Now then, where was I? Oh yes— making Fluttershy smile. Here you are, my dear, a balloon.” Discord tied the string to Fluttershy’s bedpost, so the Pinkie Balloon floated above her head in her view. She smiled wearily at it, her eyelids fluttering, and her eyes rolling up into her head.
Twilight galloped to Fluttershy’s side. She meant to rescue Pinkie, but one look at Fluttershy quickly changed her plans. “Fluttershy? How do you feel?” She put a hoof to Fluttershy’s forehead. “Oh my, you are burning up.” She tilted her head up at Discord, who scowled at her. “What do you have against windows? And let Pinkie go!” she demanded. Pinkie wiggled her fat little legs in response.
“A window once bit me in my sleep and left a painful bite mark for weeks. The doctor told me so. Same doctor that told me about colonics, incidentally. So I break ‘em whenever Celestia isn’t looking. As for Pinkie… I believe that’s a poor choice of words, but if you insist,” Discord replied with a shrug. He produced a pair of scissors and snipped the string holding Pinkie down. Then, he casually batted her out the open window.
Pinkie squealed behind the string tying her lips shut as she quickly floated into the sky. “Pinkie!” Twilight cried. She dropped Fluttershy, darted out the window in a single bound, and with a powerful beat of her wings, shot after the Pinkie Balloon.
Discord caught Fluttershy before she hurt herself by falling onto the hard surface of her downy, feather bed. “Shhh, there-there, Fluttershy. I’ll take care of you,” he said, patting her back and rocking her back and forth like a foal. Fluttershy groaned and pressed the top of her head into his chest.
Twilight flew after Pinkie with all of her might and speed. Struggling, flapping her wings as fast as she could, Pinkie slowly grew closer. A butterfly flitted past Twilight and under her nose before darting off. “Ah-ah-ah-ACHOO!” She sneezed and dropped halfway to the ground. Panting, Twilight flapped her wings harder, squeezed her eyes shut, and fought past the pain of her burning wing muscles. As she gained on Pinkie, she reached out and cried, “I’ve got you!”
Her hooves swiped forward and caught nothing but air. Twilight opened her eyes to find herself still several hoof lengths short of the rising Pinkie Balloon. Rainbow Dash hovered in the air, Pinkie’s fluffy tail caught in her hooves. Pinkie wiggled her pudgy limbs happily as Rainbow Dash looked between Twilight and Pinkie. “Um, why did Pinkie blow herself up like a balloon? I thought we were going to take care of Fluttershy today?” she asked.
Twilight breathed out a huge sigh of relief. “Oh thank goodness you’re here, Rainbow Dash. Discord somehow found out Fluttershy is sick and thinks he’s the only one who can take care of her. He tried to blow up Angel, I don’t know what he’s done to Applejack, I’m pretty sure he blew off some poor loony pony’s legs, and he inflated Pinkie with an air horn.” Rainbow Dash tilted her head, squinted one eye, and raised the other brow at Twilight. “Not to mention what he might do to Fluttershy. He tried to give her a colonic!”
Dash shook her head like she’d been slapped. “A colonic?! What the hay? How is that going to help?”
Twilight nodded enthusiastically. “I know, right? How is mangling your syntax going to help anypony? I mean, I know Pinkie dropped a deuce on Fluttershy, but that’s no reason to turn her into a balloon!”
“What?!” Rainbow Dash cried. “She… what?!” she said again, looking at Pinkie.
“Look, it’s all Discord’s fault. Just help me get rid of him, then we can help Fluttershy,” Twilight replied.
Dash nodded and said, “Discord’s fault… yep, that’s good enough for me. Okay, lets go buck him where the sun don’t shine.” She flew to Fluttershy’s cottage and scowled when she saw the shards of glass in the patio and garden. She paused when she noticed Twilight didn’t follow. “What are you waiting for, Egghead?”
“You want to buck Discord?” Twilight asked, her mouth agape.
Rainbow Dash nodded vigorously, causing Pinkie to bounce in the air at the end of her tail. “Yeah, I’m gonna buck him hard! You with me?”
Twilight’s eyes went wide. “Buck him... hard? You, uh… you think that’s going to distract him?” She blushed.
Rainbow Dash tilted her head again. “I’d be distracted if an awesome mare kicked me in the flank. Wouldn’t you?”
Twilight face-hoofed and replied, “O-of course.”
~~~~~
Meanwhile in Canterlot...
“What’s your prognosis, Doctor…” Celestia glanced at the unrolled scroll in her aura. “...Mal P. Racktis?” The doctor in question was a stately stallion with a chocolate brown coat, salt-and-pepper mane, and a cutie mark of a lightning bolt on a medial cross background.
The good doctor straightened his white lab coat and stood at attention. It wasn’t every day Princess Celestia sent a note to the head medical doctor of the Institute of Dangerously Intelligent and Occult Tests for Science to perform a diagnosis on an unknown blood sample. Nor did such requests generally have a note of urgency to them. Or a subtle threat, such as: “If you don’t drop everything and figure out what’s wrong with this pony, I’m going to fire you… out of a cannon into the sun,” which is exactly what the note said.
Dr. Racktis cleared his throat and said, “Well, Your Highness, I’m afraid I don’t have good news. We of the Institute of Dangerously Intelligent and Occult Tests for Science feel the prognosis is rather grim. If this patient isn’t in intensive care within the next day, I predict fever, seizures, and…” The doctor gulped. “...death.”
“Leave at once for Ponyville!” Celestia boomed across the throne room. “You’ll take my personal chariot. Bring whatever supplies you need, and don’t return if the Bearer of Kindness perishes!” Shocked gasps echoed from the guards around the throne room, but they quickly surged forward, carrying the doctor with them. Celestia dropped the doctor’s report and strode after the gaggle of guards. “I’ll oversee this myself,” she said with finality.
“Y-yes Princess!” the doctor called, as the guards literally carried him out. When the large, double doors closed with a boom, the throne room was left almost empty.
Princess Luna yawned and stepped out from behind the throne. “What’s this?” she muttered to herself, lifting the papers in her magic. She scanned the text, trying to absorb the illegible doctors’ writing scrawled in every line. She did understand a little. “Why do ponies insist on spelling out their entire organization instead of using an acronym? It’s faster, and sometimes more informative that way.” Luna continued scanning the report. “What is Western Equine Encephalitis?” she mumbled with one raised brow.
~~~~~
Back in Ponyville…
Twilight, Rainbow Dash, and the inflated Pinkie Pie flew in through the shattered second-story bedroom window. Well, Pinkie simply got towed along by Dash, but they all made it safely inside. “Uhhhhh…” Dash intoned as she looked across the room. “That’s weird, right?” she whispered to Twilight.
“Discord,” Twilight began, as if talking to a frightened and vicious animal that at any moment might turn and spit acid at you, “Why are you slowly crushing Fluttershy’s head in a vise?”
Discord looked up from his cranial crushing vise and replied, “She got a headache and I’m determined to squeeze it out, duhh. And you think you’re smart,” he said, shaking his head with disdain. “I’m not going to crush her head. What do you think I am? Crazy?”
“And the tub of dead goldfish?” Twilight asked, pointing to Fluttershy’s hind hooves. Fluttershy sat upright in Discord’s lap like a life-sized doll, and her hind hooves dangled in a washtub filled with water and dead goldfish.
“She needed her hooves cleaned, so I decided to use goldfish to nibble away the dirt. Genius, right? I also figured I’d kill two birds with one stone, and just give her a foot massage as well. As it turns out, goldfish don’t stand the heat very well. It’s their fault, they kept jumping out of the water as a way to say thank you! I thought they liked hot water,” he said, his eyes downcast.
“Uhhmmm…” Rainbow Dash raised her hoof like a foal trying to get attention in class. “That’s not the weirdest part.” Pinkie floated up and bounced against the ceiling again.
Twilight nodded. “Yeah, what about the hibachi with the giant emerald in it?” she asked, pointed to Discord’s tail, which curled around the aforementioned objects.
“I got hungry,” Discord replied as he picked up the molten emerald with his bare claw and crunched into it. “Want some?” he asked, spraying bits of emerald hot enough to burn holes in the carpet. They did just that after they shot past Fluttershy’s face. She groaned as her eyes rolled up into her head again.
Twilight and Dash looked at each other and nodded, then they flew at Discord with a pair of warcries. “Get Fluttershy away from him!” Twilight yelled as she tackled Discord. She knocked over the chair he sat in, and they flew backwards into the wall with a bang.
Rainbow Dash unscrewed the vise on Fluttershy’s head and pulled her to her hooves. She wobbled and would have fallen, if Dash hadn’t caught her. “Whoa, I got you,” she said, holding Fluttershy up with a wing. “We need to get you into bed.” Fluttershy mumbled something unintelligible and pressed her head into Dash’s chest.
“Stop it! You’re ruining my dinner!” Discord shouted. The emerald bounced into the corner of the room and left several smoking holes in the carpet. “Now it’s all full of carpet hair, the worst kind of condiment! And why can’t you just let me be Fluttershy’s friend? I’m only trying to take care of her, you know!” Discord held Twilight at arm’s length with one spindly limb.
She threw hooves at him with wild abandon, but couldn’t reach his body. She stopped in mid-swing when he mentioned caring for Fluttershy. “Y-you really want to help her?” Twilight asked, her voice growing soft and sweet.
“Yeah, without you!” Discord cried. With a snap of his paw he turned one of Fluttershy’s birds, hiding at the top of her bookshelf, into a flying book. It flapped its covers and flew around the room, pages rustling. “Don’t let it get away, that’s an original copy of Rocinante.” Discord chuckled. “Although, you’ll never catch it. Trying to catch that book would be like… tilting at windmills.”
“NO!” Twilight cried as she flew around the room after the book. “How can you do such a thing to a literary masterpiece?!”
Discord turned to the bed. Rainbow Dash pulled the covers over Fluttershy, who looked peaceful for the moment. “Jerk! What were you thinking? She needs rest, not vises and goldfish!” Dash admonished.
Discord huffed at her. “You ponies are so tedious. I try and try, but noooo, you just can’t save everypony.” The living book flew around Pinkie Pie, Twilight close behind. “Say… Pinkie, would you like to help me with Fluttershy?” Pinkie responded by wiggling her limbs. “You can get down any time, you know.”
“Mmmmhhhh?” Pinkie asked. The wind from the passing book and Twilight caused her to drift closer to the middle of the ceiling.
“Yeah, you can let all that air out, you know.” Discord propped the fallen chair on the other side of Fluttershy’s bed and sat down. Rainbow Dash glared at him and circled around the bed, pounding one forehoof into the other. Pinkie’s cheeks puffed out even more. Her face turned purple as she strained, but no air escaped her lips. Discord tilted his head and laughed. “No-no-no, the air doesn’t go out THAT way…”
Pinkie’s eyes brightened as she understood. Discord could almost see the lightbulb above her head. Pinkie tensed, her face stayed purple, and she squeezed her eyes shut. Dash stopped within striking distance of Discord. “You’re gonna get it now, buster!”
Discord smiled and simply waited.
poot
Rainbow Dash stopped. Her nose flared, then she grimaced. “Ew, what’s that smell? What was that noise?” She looked up and saw Pinkie floating right over her head.
~~~~~
In the Crystal Empire, over 1,000 leagues away...
Cadance hummed quietly as she sipped her afternoon tea on the Crystal balcony. Shining Armor sat just across from her, reading the local newspaper. “Huh?” he asked, allowing the newspaper to drop to his lap.
Cadance set down her teacup on the crystal saucer. “Is everything alright?”
“Did you hear something?” Shining Armor asked.
“No, what did it sound like?” Cadance replied.
“I don’t know… like… a vuvuzela...”
Cadance sighed. “Those things are so annoying,” she said with a shake of her head. “At least the Crystal Empire doesn’t have any annoying instruments.”
Shining Armor smirked. “What about the flugel—”
Cadance stuffed a hoof into his mouth, silencing him. “Totally. Different.”
~~~~~
Back in Ponyville…
Rarity trotted down the path towards Fluttershy’s cottage. She felt confident Twilight and Pinkie had the situation under control, when the trio of flower mares galloped past her in the opposite direction, screaming.
“Run, before it ruins your mane!”
“It already peeled the paint off my carriage!”
“And it killed my flowers!”
Rarity trotted bravely onward, but wondered what they were talking about. Once she rounded the bend and Fluttershy’s cabin came into view, she caught a whiff of a new smell. “Goodness! Did Applejack try to spread manure on her property again?” she asked herself. Another sniff and Rarity’s nose tried to retreat into her face. “Urg, it’s even worse than that! Like somepony threw up moldy alfalfa into a raw sewage line that burst!”
BRRRRAHHTTT
A bloated Pinkie Pie flew overhead at incredible speed, a low wailing sound following her. It sounded like a small propeller engine at high speed. “Wait up!” Rainbow Dash cried, flying after Pinkie as fast as she could. It seemed like Dash had no enthusiasm for chasing Pinkie, because she didn’t fly directly at her. Rather, she chased her much higher than need be, as if she didn’t want to stay in Pinkie’s wake. They shot towards the horizon in a lazy arc. “And close your—”
Rarity couldn’t hear the last thing Dash said. She thought no more of it. Instead, she put on her standard-issue Ponyville gas mask and tromped up to Fluttershy’s house. Drawing closer, she saw dying plants in Fluttershy’s yard. The paint on the windowsills peeled off before her eyes, and several animals crawled, flew, or staggered away, coughing. A skunk collapsed on the welcome mat at Rarity’s hooves, his face contorted in agony. Reaching out to Rarity with a shaky paw, begging for help, he passed out in a heap with a tiny cough.
“Goodness, is this some kind of gaseous weapon? Is Equestria being invaded by stinky Diamond Dogs?” Rarity asked, her voice distorted by the gas mask. She looked behind her, watching for invaders. She saw only her own wilting tail. The industrial-strength gel she used every morning was no match for her current atmosphere.
Scowling at her limp tail, Rarity pushed the door open into Fluttershy’s house, and stepped inside. Animals lay everywhere; birds passed out on top of shelves, mice crumpled in a heap on a dining room chair, a pair of puppies slumped against each other near the door, and others. All slept, with pained expressions. “Don’t!” Twilight cried. Rarity snapped her gaze to the stairs, following Twilight’s voice.
Before she could trot upstairs, Twilight and Discord fell down them in a heap. Struggling, limbs flailing everywhere, they struggled over… a single match. “This smell is horrible, Fluttershy needs fresh air! Just let me burn away this smell,” Discord said, his voice an odd parody. Rarity blinked several times at Discord’s face, because he had no nose!
Twilight had wadded tissues stuck up her nose, making her voice sound odd as well. “Stop! You’ll kill us all!” She and Discord tumbled onto the rug, knocking over an end table with a tacky lamp and a sleeping kitten on it. Twilight noticed Rarity, and a smile split her face. “Yes! Rarity, do you have any perfume?” she asked frantically.
“Why, yes I do,” Rarity replied. “It’s right here,” she said, as she produced a delicate glass bottle of chemicals. “Do you want me to spray a bit in Fluttershy’s house? I would rather not, as it’s rather expensive.”
Without any warning, Twilight lit her horn, tore the perfume out of Rarity’s magical grip, and flung it at Fluttershy’s glass-topped family room table. With a loud crack, the bottle shattered and spilled the sweet smelling liquid all over the table. “Ahhh, that’s better,” Twilight said, pulling the tissues out of her nose. “Oh, it smells like—” Twilight stopped, her left eye twitched.
Rarity tore off her gasmask. “That bottle cost two-hundred bits!” she cried, indignant. “Who caused such a foul odor? They’ll be the ones to pay for a new bottle of Eau De Diamant Chien!” She stomped her hoof and glared at Twilight and Discord, gritting her teeth. “Spill it, who’s the culprit?”
Discord tossed the match away, causing Twilight to dart after it and snatch it up. “You know, I speak Prench,” Discord said mildly. He coughed, and spat out his nose into his paw. With a twist and a squeak, he screwed it back onto his face. His voice returned to normal. “I believe that particular brand of perfume is designed to be sold to impressionable Equestrian mares,” he said with a snicker.
Rarity scoffed. “I speak a few words of Prench as well, and I know ‘diamant’ means diamond. So, how bad could it be? Besides, I like the aroma.” Rarity put a hoof to her chin and pursed her lips. “Although, the scent does seem vaguely familiar...”
Twilight discarded the match into the trash, and whirled on Discord. “YOU! Why did you do that to Pinkie? What have you done with Applejack? What—” Twilight frothed at the mouth, yelling at Discord.
“Shhhh!” Discord shushed Twilight harshly. Twilight didn’t stop, so Discord reached over to the corner of her mouth and zipped it shut. Twilight’s eyes went wide as she shouted muffled curses at him. “That’s better. Honestly, I don’t understand you mares. You,” he said, pointing to Twilight, “have done nothing but get in the way of Fluttershy’s excellent care. And you,” he said, pointing to Rarity with an accusing talon, “are the worst sort of caretaker. You abandoned Fluttershy, and for what?”
Rarity let out an indignant gasp. “Excuse me? I had to help a poor pony.”
Discord glared at her. “Excuses, excuses, it isn’t like somepony had all four of their legs blown off and needed immediate medical attention.”
Rarity stomped a hoof and glared at him. “But that’s exactly what—”
“YES?” Discord yelled at the stairs, cupping a paw to his ear. “I’ll be right there!” With a snap of his fingers and a smug smile plastered on his face, he vanished.
“MmmmMMmmm,” Twilight said behind the zipper.
Rarity sighed and said, “Now what? I didn’t hear anything. I’ll bet Discord just didn’t want to listen to me.” She stared at the staircase.
“Mmmmhhhmmm?” Twilight mumbled, still unintelligible.
Rarity glared up the stairs, as if Discord stood at the top. “How rude! He’s just ignoring me. If there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s a pony ignoring others.”
“MMMMmmm!” Twilight cried, tugging at the zipper. It didn’t budge.
“Just when a pony is in trouble, too. Oh, he irritates me so!” Rarity snorted with contempt at the empty stairs.
“Mmmmmm,” Twilight growled. She trotted next to Rarity, flapping her wings wildly.
Rarity turned to Twilight, smiling sweetly. “Yes? Is everything alright?”
Twilight pointed at her zippered mouth, her brow a flat line.
“Oh, I’m sorry. Did you need some help? I’ll get that open in a jiffy.” Rarity used her magic to tug on the zipper. It didn’t budge. Scowling, Rarity bit down on it and tried to force it open. “Hurnnnkkk! Stupid zipper, open!” she growled.
“Heh, nice…” a male voice said from behind them. Rarity and Twilight looked at the open front door of the cottage to see a chocolate-colored stallion eating popcorn and watching them with a lecherous leer. The mares blushed, and Rarity stopped trying to force the zipper open. “Awww, why are you stopping? Don’t you want to get her zipper open and—”
“Who are you?” Rarity asked, cutting him off. “And what are you doing in Fluttershy’s house?” Her hackles rose as she eyed him.
“Ah, ahem...” The stallion cleared his throat. “My name is Dr. Mal P. Racktis, at your service. Or more specifically, Fluttershy’s service. The Princess has, um... requested my assistance. I understand Twilight Sparkle is the physician currently in charge. I’ll be taking over from here.”
He trotted up to the two mares and offered his hoof. Rarity bumped hooves gingerly. After a moment, Dr. Racktis set his hoof down when Twilight didn’t reciprocate. Twilight rolled on the floor, grunting and moaning, pulling with all her might on the zipper. Rarity smiled sheepishly and said, “You’ll have to excuse Twilight, her zipper is stuck.”
The doctor nodded enthusiastically. “Oh yes, a terrible situation. I once had to treat a Prince B— um, a high-ranking stallion that got the zipper of his pants stuck on his—”
An alarm blared. It sounded like an air raid siren playing mariachi, and it issued from the dignified grandfather clock standing near Fluttershy’s kitchen. All three ponies flattened their ears against the sound. “What is it now?” Rarity cried.
Discord appeared in a flash, wearing a full white nursing uniform, complete with a hat emblazoned with a red medical cross. “Time for dinner!” he shouted. He reached into the grandfather clock and pulled down on the pendulum. With a soft click-click the alarm silenced. Throwing the pantry doors wide open, he produced a small musical triangle and rang it.
Hundreds of animals suddenly sprang to life and stampeded into the kitchen. Discord shrugged and slithered between the stampeding animals into the living room. “Discord? Is that you?” the doctor asked.
“Doctor Racktis? How nice it is to see a competent physician,” Discord replied. While Fluttershy’s animals ate at the serve-yourself buffet, Discord asked, “Do you think you could answer a question for me? It’s been bothering me all day.” He stood upright and put his paw on his hip.
The doctor nodded. “Certainly, I’d be happy to help, but are you sure those animals will be alright? Good nutrition for so many different species might be difficult if they don’t have the proper food.”
Discord scoffed and replied, “They’ll be fine. Fluttershy was out of chocolate, but I restocked her pantry myself earlier today. You wouldn’t believe how much chocolate dogs and birds can eat. Still, I wouldn’t want to deny them such a tasty and high-energy food.” The sounds of various animals tearing into food echoed from behind him. Rarity and Twilight’s eyes grew as big as dinner plates.
“Oh, well, everything seems to be in order then,” Dr. Racktis said with a nod. “What’s your question?”
Rarity darted into the kitchen. Twilight scrambled to her hooves and followed close behind, the zipper over her mouth temporarily forgotten. “We’ve got to save these poor dears! I’ll get them out of the kitchen, you get the pantry doors closed,” Rarity commanded. Twilight said something in response, but she might as well have spoken in a different language for all the good it did.
Rarity snagged as many animals in her magic as she could manage, while Twilight pushed her way to the other end of the kitchen through the writhing, slobbering mass of animals. She had to kick a puppy, shove aside an ostrich, and climb over Fluttershy’s pet bear. All in the name of their safety, of course.
Discord’s voice could be heard from the living room. “What I really want to know is: what’s the proper balance between laughing gas and helium for an iron lung?”
Rarity tossed out three birds, two squirrels, and a half-dozen bunnies. She was about to reenter the fray when she heard Discord and stopped. Staring at him, one eye twitching, she wondered, Why would you want to know that?
“Oh that’s easy, just add enough helium to give the patient a funny voice, and leave the rest as laughing gas. That should put everyone in good spirits! Laughter is the best medicine, my father used to say. Of course, all my siblings died of tuberculosis as foals, but I’m sure they just didn’t laugh enough!” Dr. Racktis chuckled. “I assume you have the patient in an iron lung with a good mixture?” he asked.
Discord smiled wide. “Of course, Doctor. There was a rather… unpleasant smell in here shortly before you arrived. Luckily, I already had Fluttershy safely in the iron lung by then.”
Twilight managed to close the pantry and keep it closed after shoving a broomstick between the handles. Sagging, she dragged herself to stand beside Rarity with a questioning look.
The Doctor clapped his forehooves and smiled. “Excellent, I’m glad she’s under such good care. I’m afraid I have to take over from here— Princess’s orders, you understand?”
Discord’s smile melted like dry ice in the sun. He stuffed a talon into his ear and rotated it, causing his ear to squeak. “I’m sorry, I don’t think I heard that right.”
Rarity cleared her throat. “Now I’m sure you’re a wonderful caregiver,” she said, looking uncertainly at Discord, “but Doctor… Racktis, was it? He’s a competent, board-certified, medical professional.” Dr. Racktis stood at his full, proud height and held a smug smile. Rarity mumbled quietly, “You’re certifiable alright, but I’ll bet you’re easier to deal with than Discord.” She smiled sweetly at Discord and asked loudly, “Shouldn’t you let him do his job?”
She stared up at Discord, and her eyes seemed to grow bigger, and bigger. Her lower lip quivered, and tears brimmed in her eyes. Discord looked down at her, and the breaking of his heart could be heard throughout the house; it sounded like crusty bread being snapped apart. “O-of course, I’ll step aside for the good doctor,” he said, looking sheepishly at Dr. Racktis. “Please help Fluttershy, I can be your assistant. A nurse, if you will.”
“Splendid,” Dr. Racktis replied. “Let’s get up there and drill a hole into her skull!”
Rarity and Twilight froze, dumb with shock. Smiling, Dr. Racktis hefted his doctor bag and trotted upstairs. Discord skipped behind him, licking a giant lollipop. “So this will cure her?”
“Certainly,” Dr. Racktis replied. “Just as soon as...” his voice died away once they reached the second floor and vanished into Fluttershy’s bedroom.
“MMMHHHmmm!” Twilight screamed from behind the zipper.
“I know! Now we’ve got two loonies trying to… to kill Fluttershy! Where’s the royal guard when you need them?” Rarity cried.
The front door opened. Two white, royal, pegasus guards stood outside. The one on the right spoke up and said, “Yes ma’am? Is something the matter?”
Rarity sighed with relief and trotted up to the pair of guards. “Yes! Guards! Just when I need you! Discord and a mad doctor are going to kill Fluttershy. You have to help us stop them.”
The guards glanced at each other. “You intend to stop Dr. Racktis?”
Rarity nodded. “Of course, I don’t want that idiot to be anywhere near— HEY!” The guards had snapped a set of cuffs on Rarity and began dragging her away. “What are you doing?”
The guard on the left spoke. “Anypony that interferes with Fluttershy’s treatment is to be arrested. Princess Celestia’s orders.” They trotted down the path away from Fluttershy’s cottage, dragging a struggling Rarity. Fluttershy’s lawn contained a full regiment of royal guards, all standing at attention.
The front door slammed closed on Twilight Sparkle. She stood, mute, in the living room, surrounded by a miasma of rancid, sweet, and animal smells. Various animals stood around her, big eyes staring up at her, begging for food. The high-pitched whine of a drill screamed down the stairs. Twilight snapped out of her reverie with a jolt. She knocked aside a pair of ducks and galloped up the stairs, the ducks quacking in protest. Tripping and stumbling, she reached the second floor. With her heart pounding, she burst into Fluttershy’s bedroom.
Discord and Dr. Racktis stood, inspecting a nasty-looking drill with a wickedly sharp drill bit, dopey expressions on their faces. Fluttershy lay in an open iron lung, beside a couple of empty metal tanks. An open doctor bag, filled with needles, bandages, and drill bits, sat on top of a thick sheaf of papers, sitting on Fluttershy’s nightstand. “Such a pleasant sound it makes. You’re sure it’s safe?” Discord asked.
“Absolutely. If you don’t feel any more resistance, stop pushing on the drill,” Dr. Racktis said with a smile.
Discord gasped. “You mean you want me to drill a hole in my best friend’s head?”
“Yeah,” Dr. Racktis replied. “Isn’t that what best friends are for?” he asked.
Discord slowly shook his head. “There’s so much about friendship I need to learn. Welp, time to get started!” he exclaimed as he revved up the drill again.
Twilight darted forward just as the drill came down. She blocked Fluttershy with her body. The drill caught her right in the mouth.
pop
The zipper broke and popped off; Twilight breathed out a sigh of relief. “Twilight Sparkle, honestly. Do we have to go through this again? I’ve already gotten rid of all of your friends. Anyway, I thought you still needed to catch that copy of Rocinante,” Discord chuckled. He pointed at a book resting on its end, perched on top of a nearby bookshelf. “Don’t let it get away!” he said with a laugh.
Twilight deadpanned at Discord as the book flittered around her head. Her horn glowed, and the book stopped, caught in her magic. It settled, open to the first page near Twilight’s shoulder. She glanced at it, then glared at Discord. “First of all, friends are NOT there to give you holes in the head. Real friends do their best to take care of you, and let the real doctors do their jobs. Real friends care so much about you, they can’t do things like surgery on you without messing up, because they care too much!”
Discord looked at the drill in his hand, as if for the first time. He looked at Fluttershy, and mumbled, “I care. I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Second, friends aren’t jealous when it comes to friendship. Friendship isn’t some finite resource; it can’t be used up, or run out.” Twilight smiled and shook her head sadly. “I understand you care for Fluttershy very much, but you need to stop worrying. She isn’t going to run out of friendship.”
Discord gulped, and set the drill down. He sat on the stool near Fluttershy’s iron lung and sighed. “I just… feel so helpless with her like this.”
Twilight stood beside him and gently put a hoof on his shoulder. Dr. Racktis teared up and said, “Oh, this is so beautiful. Fluttershy must have such good, smart, accepting friends!”
“Third,” Twilight continued, “this book isn’t a first edition copy of Rocinante. It’s a copy of Dianetics, the most worthless book in existence!” Twilight narrowed her eyes as she snapped the book closed in her magic and whapped Discord upside the head with it.
Discord went cross-eyed and his tongue lolled out of his mouth. Dr. Racktis wiped the tear out of his eye and sighed. “Well, that didn’t last long.”
“And YOU!” Twilight cried, whirling on the doctor. “I’m not even going to explain why we don’t need a crack-pot doctor. Get out, or she’ll throw you out!”
Dr. Racktis blinked and replied, “I’m not leaving. I don’t want to get fired out of a cannon into the sun.” He lowered his head and pawed the carpet with a forehoof. “If you want me to leave, you’re going to have to throw me out yourself.”
Twilight scoffed. “Like I said, she’ll throw you out.”
“Who?” Dr. Racktis asked.
“Bucky McGillycuddy and Kicks McGee.”
Dr. Racktis tilted his head at Twilight. “Huh? Who are—”
Rainbow Dash dropped Applejack in through the broken window, behind the mad doctor. Applejack turned and fired both of her exceptionally powerful hind hooves at his flank.
~~~~~
Back in the Crystal Empire, over 1,000 leagues away...
Cadance sighed and nestled into Shining Armor’s chest. Her empty teacup sat on the finished newspaper. “This is just wonderful. Can’t we stay like this for the rest of the day?”
Shining Armor sighed and said, “Sadly, no. Affairs of state beckon, my lovely Princess.” They stood and stopped. “Do you hear that? It sounds like somepony screaming from a long way—”
“aaaAAAAHHHH!”
Crunch!
“EEEEKKK!”
The crystal doors to the balcony burst open and a trio of crystal guards looked out onto the balcony. “What’s going on? I heard a girlish scream!” the lead guard said.
Dr. Racktis had crashed through the crystal banister of the balcony, his hind legs dangling over the side. His eyes rolled in different directions. He sounded punch drunk when he stated, “Don’t mess with Bucky McGillycuddy and Kicks McGee!”
The guard found the Princess and her husband, safe and sound. She stood on her hind hooves, holding Shining Armor with her forehooves. He had his limbs wrapped around her neck, still quivering. He looked around sheepishly and hopped down, blushing furiously. Cadance raised an eyebrow. “I hear the local quartet group needs a soprano.”
His ears fell as he looked at her. “You're never going to let me live that one down, are you?”
Cadance giggled. “Nope.”
~~~~~
Back in Ponyville…
“Now that that’s taken care of,” Twilight pronounced, looking out of the other broken window in Fluttershy’s bedroom. “We have to take care of Fluttershy.”
She looked around the room. All of her friends were there. Discord had been completely duck taped to the ceiling, on Rainbow Dash’s suggestion. He looked cross, but couldn’t say anything. After Rainbow Dash had carried Applejack through the window, Pinkie had simply stepped out of the armoire. Rarity had trotted upstairs and through the door like a sane pony a moment later. She smiled and said, “It’s nice to have everypony together.”
“How did you…?” Twilight asked.
“I found Applejack while I was chasing Pinkie Pie. I decided to pick her up instead of Pinkie, ‘cause I couldn’t really get near Pinkie,” Rainbow Dash answered.
“And I figured out how to fly! It was amazing! I came back here to find Rarity under arrest. It turns out the Royal Guard doesn’t do enough training to resist gaseous attacks,” Pinkie continued.
Twilight’s eyes grew wide. “So they’re…?”
Rarity answered, “Out cold on Fluttershy’s front lawn. Can we not talk about that harrowing experience? How do we help Fluttershy?”
Twilight nodded. “Right, Fluttershy…” she lifted the doctor’s bag with her magic and retrieved the stack of papers. “Differential Diagnosis of Unknown Blood Sample…” she read out loud. Her eyes scanned the papers for a minute.
“Well?” Rarity asked.
Twilight dropped the papers, her mouth agape. “We…”
“Yeah?” Applejack asked.
“We need to give Fluttershy a hole in the head!” Twilight exclaimed.
“What?!” Twilight’s friends all said in unison.
~~~~~
“Uhhhh…” Fluttershy moaned and sat up. “Oh, my head. I feel like my brain is swollen. Oh, could I please have some water? If that’s okay with you.”
Her five friends stood around her, smiling. In her dazed state, Fluttershy didn’t really notice their smiles looked strained, as if they had to smile for a picture nopony wanted to be in. “Ah’m so glad yer awake Fluttershy,” Applejack said, offering her a glass of water.
Fluttershy nodded, took the proffered glass, and drank it slowly. “Oh thank you, I feel better. Um…” She looked around. “Where’s Discord?”
Rainbow Dash giggled nervously. “I’m sure he’s hanging around,” Pinkie replied.
“He tried some rather unorthodox treatments on you. I don’t think he’s had any medical training. He really should leave that to the professionals,” Twilight said, glancing upwards.
Fluttershy giggled, then raised a hoof to her forehead. “Um…” Rarity quickly pulled her hoof away before Fluttershy could touch the bandage on her forehead. “Did I get injured?”
Applejack pursed her lips, staring at Fluttershy’s forehead. “No, sugarcube. Don’t touch it.”
“Okay,” Fluttershy mumbled. She yawned, then giggled again. “Could you imagine Discord as a doctor? Equestria needs that like I need a hole in the head!”
The other ponies sucked in a breath and bit their lower lips. Twilight cleared her throat and said, “Yeah, about that…”
