The savior of all bronies
The savior of ponies arive
My name is Daniel Lepracy, I’ve liked My Little Pony since i was in the womb. My mom used to cradle her pregnant stomach near the television next to the television as it played MLP. She was training me since I was a fetus. My Grandmother also told me that some day the ponies from Equestria were going to come to our world to study us, I was the chosen one, I was euphoric.The true story started when I was 14. I was in the middle of updating my deviantart blog about how Kyle from science class should stop telling all the kids in school about my MLP figurine collection when suddenly a portal opened in my room.
“Well howdy there partner!” Applejack said.
“OH GOD WHAT ARE YOU!?” I said as I reached under my desk for my tec-9 semi-automatic self defense gun and shot her killed her until she was dead. “This monster came from Equestria!?I gotta go save them!” Then I jumped into the portal without hesitation.
“Hey dude! You must be the chosen one!” Rainbowdash said.
“yeah that’s me! Hey Rainbowdash, what was that thing back there?” I asked.
“that horse that speaks in that strange language she keeps calling ‘Confederate’? Yeah that’s Apple Jack, she dies a lot.” Rainbowdash said.
“oh...so you guys don’t need saving then?”I asked.
“Well, not exactly...come with me chosen one.” Rainbowdash said.
I followed Rainbowdash very many a lot of miles until something fishy was going on. “I’ve got a bad feeling about this skoob.” I said to Raindbowdash.
“Oh no! A bunch of changelings are ambushing us as we were on the way to the castle!” Rainbowdash yelled.
“All the food you eat, all the friends you meet, I’m a changeling!” Jim Morrison said as he commanded his personal Changeling army.
“Stand back Rainbowdash! I’ve got my trusty naruto self defense shurikens!” I said as I sprawled into action. I threw my shurikens at them, thankfully they were slow and I was more athletic than them. I was so athletic that Cindy would have to say yes to going to the school dance with me. She’ll admire muscles that I’ve gained through writing fan fictions on fimfiction.net. (yes kyle it’s a real fitness program, I looked it up. I swear I’ll pound you at school tomorrow if you try to bully me again.)
“Thank goodness for you big strong muscles you have Daniel! If you weren’t here I’d be a gonner!” Rainbowdash said.
We finally reached Celestia’s castle, I was so tired and happy all at once. When we entered the castle all of the most attractive ponies were awaiting my arrival to treat me to some freshly squeezed reeses puffs, peanut butter chocolate flavor.
“I hope you’re enjoying yourself so far Daniel.” Celestia said.
“Of course I am! What deed did you need to be done m’lady?” I asked.
“Well you see, as you know earth is infested to anti-bronies who are roaming about spreading their filth.” Celestia said.
I shuddered and said “Of course I know of such filth, I’ve been searching for their main base for years.”
“Well lucky for you I found their main base!” Celestia said.
“Woooowwweeeeeee! Can you tell me so I can destroy it?” I asked excitedly.
“I’ll tell you where it is only if you first get what we need to make this plan work.” Celestia said.
“Alright, I’m in!” I said.
“First we need you to get us 36,000 gallons of jet fuel.” Celestia requested.
“Alright, I got this.” I said. Thankfully Celestia gave me a portal device so I can go wherever I needed to. So I opened a portal to the jet fuel store across the street from my house. I walked in and asked the clerk how much 36,000 gallons of jet fuel would cost.
“This one’s on the house, you’d do the same thing for me.” The store clerk said.
I teleported me and my jet fuel back to Celestia’s castle. “Here it is m’lady.”
“Good, now all we need is something to put it in.” Celestia said.
“Luckily for you I brought my self defense Boeing 747!” I said.
“Good, now I need you to go help the mane 6 with some chores while I prepare the plane!” Celestia said.
I went to the mane six club house to see what they needed before me and Celestia went off onto our mission. “Hey gang, what do you need?” I asked.
“Well Fluttershy has been kind of hungry ever since Apple Jack has been eating all of our food sources.” Rarity said.
“Oh! Here, have this treat!” I said as I handed her a piece of beef jerky.
“W-wow, this is rather delicious, t-thank you Daniel…” Fluttershy said. “W-what is this made from?”
“The finest cows in all of Texas, the best state in the land of the free.” I said.
After realising what it was Fluttershy had a heart attack and died. “...This is getting awkward…” Spike said.
“I have a deed for you!” Rarity said. “I want you to make me a dress!”
“AND I WANT YOU TO THROW ME A RADICAL PARTY!!!!!!!” loud and obnoxious Pinkie Pie said.
“I’ll do both at the same time! That’s how cool and talented I am!” I said. That’s when I made a dress made out of confetti, birthday cake, and the innards of preschoolers and handed it to them.
“Fabulous.” Rarity said.
“AWESOME!” Pinkie Pie said.
“Alright guys, I’m gonna go now, I have to use the bathroom.” I said.
Thankfully Celestia’s castle had nice bathrooms. As I walked in there was only one pony in there. He was rather stocky and had white fur. “Hey there pretty boy, haven’t seen you too much around these parts.” Snowflake said.
“Uh, okay then.” I said as I entered the first stall. (no Kyle I don’t side down when I pee so stop telling everyone I do. I just have to poop okay?) As I was pooping I heard heavy breathing from outside the stall. As I placed my ear against the stall to listen the door came bursting down as the giant pony yelled.
“JUST LET IT HAPPEN! I will be over soon kid.” Snowflake said as he attempted to bend me over.
Thankfully I’ve seen enough Jackie Chan movies that I learned Kung Foo, I grabbed his head and slammed it into the toilet lid until he went unconscious. Then I fled the bathroom and returned to Celestia.
“Alright Daniel, It’s time. The Boeing 747 is filled up and I set the coordinates. Let’s hop in.” Celestia said.
“I can’t wait to see where their base is!” I said.
We got in and Celestia revved up the teleporter. As our plane went through all we saw was flashing colors of green and red until finally the clear blue sky shone through the portal.
“I know where we are! It’s New York City!” I said.
“That’s right, and there’s their base right there.” Celestia said as she pointed to two identical towers in the distance. “It’s time we end this once and for all!” Celestia said.
The phone on the plane started ringing. Celestia answered it and a nasally bully like voice came on the line. “You fools! Everyone knows jet fuel can’t melt steel beams! We have nothing to worry about, so go ahead and try to crash into use!” An anti-brony said.
“Well luckily for use I got in touch with George Bush himself before going forward with this plan. He said he’s a brony and agreed to plant C4 onto the towers that will explode when we make contact with them! You’re all doomed!” Before Celestia hung up she calmly said two last words to the anti-bronies.
“Allahhu Ackbar.”
Everything was a blur after that, the last thing I remember was waking up in the hostpital with George Bush and Celestia sitting at my bed side.
“Ya done did good son.” Bush said as he gave two thumbs up, and that was the story of how I saved all bronies and ponies alike.
Author's Note
fuck you Kyle