Golden sunlight glinted off the windows of the Weather Factory as Rainbow Dash soared above the bustling streets of Cloudsdale, soaking up the sights of her old hometown. She buzzed past the Cloudesium before landing in Cloudsdale's historic downtown. "It's been months since I was here last. It's not far from Ponyville, I wonder why I don't come home more often..."
Her thoughts were interrupted by a shout from across the street. "Well, well, well, if it isn't Rainbow Crash!"
"...Oh....right." Memory jogged, she turned to face her nemesis. Dumbbell was already making a beeline right for her. And where Dumbbell went, his two shadows were never far behind. Sure enough Hoops and Score appeared next to her right as Dumbbell reached her.
"So what brings Crash back to Cloudsdale? Finally tired of living near all your dorky landlubber friends?"
"Oh, I bet she totally came here for some cloudcakes. She can't get those from some lame bakery on the ground," Hoops added.
"For your information I came to visit friends."
The three bullies broke into laughter. "Oh, that's a laugh! You don't have friends here. You never had friends here."
"Except for Klutzershy."
"It's Fluttershy."
"Klutzershy and Rainbow Crash, sitting on a cloud, K-I-S-S-I..." Dumbbell never finished his taunt as light blue hooves shoved him into the side of a building.
"Knock it off. I've got better things to do than waste my time talking to three has-beens. Oh wait, being a has-been would require the three of you to have actually been somepony at some point. I guess that makes all of you never-weres."
Steam poured from Dumbbell's nostrils as he snorted in anger. "Big words from a flight school drop-out."
"And winner of the Best Young Flyers competition, not to mention the only pony to pull off a sonic rainboom." Dash rubbed her chest, proudly. "You denied the first one ever happened, but the entire Cloudesium saw the second one, including the three of you."
"If you're so great, prove it."
"I've already proven it time and again. But very well. It's on. What do you have in mind?"
"Demolition derby."
Dash took a step backward. "What?"
"You heard me. We want you to compete in the Fairgrounds Classic demo derby tonight."
"I'm sorry, I didn't bring my crash helmet with me."
"Oh, and your home's soooo far away that you can't fly there and bring it back? I could get there and back with it in no time. And here I thought you were the mare who bragged about being the fastest there is."
"I am the fastest there is."
"Sure you are, Rainbow Crash."
"Lamebow Crash!"
A little voice inside Rainbow's head told her to ignore them and walk away. Unfortunately for the little voice, it sounded exactly like Fluttershy's and was easily drowned out by another, louder, voice that blurted out, "You're on!" Dash's inner Fluttershy sighed and remained quiet, resigned to her fate.
"Be at the Cloudsdale Fairgrounds no later than 6PM."
"I'll be there. And the three of you better show up."
"We wouldn't miss it for the world." Dumbbell laughed and motioned for the others to follow him.
The bullies walked off and Dash rushed through her planned activities in town and raced home to get her crash helmet. While a fan of demolition derbies she'd never actually competed in one before. Fluttershy had always stopped her every time she had considered it previously. "What's the worst that could happen?"
At 6:00 Rainbow Dash was waiting with the rest of the derby's participants as the referee prepared to go over the rules. She yawned nonchalantly as she checked out the competition. Dumbbell, Hoops, and Score were no-shows so far, but there were a lot of massive pegasus stallions present, several of whom made Bulk Biceps look as petite and fragile as Fluttershy.
"Here ya go, miss." Rainbow Dash blinked as a hulking black stallion decked out in gold chains handed her a slip of paper. "Not sure how you got into the locker room but here's my autograph. You should get back to your parents. They're probably worried sick."
"I'm not here for autographs, I'm here to win."
The stallions all burst into laughter. "You? Out there against us? It's dangerous out there, kiddo," warned a hot pink stallion with purple hair and a trio of dumbbells on his flank.
"Danger's my middle name."
"Actually, according to the waiver you filled out absolving us of all responsibility in the exceedingly likely event you're horribly injured tonight, your middle name is Jennifer. Also, if I could have you fill out the following life insurance forms and a Last Will & Testament naming me as your beneficiary, we can get started here." The official walked to the front of the locker room and tapped his hoof on the ground three times. The laughter came to an abrupt halt. "Okay folks, most of you have been here before and know how this works. Last pony flying wins. Crash helmets are optional but strongly advised. Not that any of you have anything in your heads worth protecting, but I digress. No intentional head shots..."
Once more the locker room burst into laughter. They'd all been playing the game for years. There were plenty of ways to make an intentional head shot look accidental.
"And I say this more for the benefit of the rookie, no sandbagging."
"What's sandbagging?" Rainbow asked.
"Flying around without hitting anything. This is a demolition derby, not a near-miss-olition derby. While not technically against the rules, I can assure you that your fellow competitors won't be happy if some hotshot flyer comes in, avoids all the action, and then takes out the exhausted survivor of the derby to steal the win. It's why we have the Slacker Tracker." He pointed towards a scoreboard. "If you go more than two minutes without laying a decent hit on somepony the scoring pylon will flash your number and the rest of your competitors will gang up on you."
"I don't think you have to worry about that," called a voice from the crowd. "She won't even last two minutes!"
The referee waited for the laughter to die down yet again. He continued, "Aside from that, anything goes. Just try not to kill the newbie. I've got better things to do tonight than dispose of her body." He walked out of the locker room, leaving the competitors to get ready for the derby.
Rainbow Dash slipped out after him and scanned the crowd for the three bullies. Much to her surprise she found them in the front row of the audience. "Hey! You guys are late. They've already gone over the rules. You better register in a hurry if you want to prove you can beat me."
"Oh, we never said we were going to compete against you, Crash," Dumbbell said, dismissively. "You're the one with something to prove to us, not the other way around."
"You jerks never intended to compete?"
"Awww, is Crash upset because we're smarter than she is?" Dumbbell asked, condescendingly. "It's not too late to forfeit. All you have to do is fly up here and take a seat with us. Nopony will ever know you wimped out of this challenge. Well, except us..."
"Just you wait, I'll still win."
"Yeah, probably by flying away from everypony like a coward. That's probably how you got so fast in the first place, running away from all your problems."
Rainbow Dash flapped her wings and hovered in front of her tormentors. "You know what, I'm going to go out there and I'm going to kick flank and take names. And do you know why I'm going to do that? I'll tell you why. Because I'm Rainbow Dash, and that's what I do. I win because I'm the best of the best of the best. Winning today isn't going to prove anything to any of you. All of you made up your minds a long time ago. I just wanted to wipe those smug smiles off your ugly faces, but you've denied me that pleasure. So instead I'm going to go out there, and I'm going to win this because I want to win. And if by some small chance I lose, I at least know I gave it my best try and I got beaten by somepony better than me."
"Oh, I'm sure you're going to get beaten... probably severely." Dumbbell laughed at his joke and his flunkies followed suit.
"Maybe she’ll get some sense knocked into her," added Score.
"And then knocked right back out of her," laughed Hoops.
Rainbow Dash turned around, letting her tail strike Dumbbell in the face. "Hey!" he cried out in surprise.
"What are you going to do about it, hmn? Gonna come down here and compete against me? Put up or shut up." The bullies glared at her but said nothing. "No? I didn't think so. You three lack even Fluttershy's courage. Well, boys, it's been nice catching up with you but they're already doing introductions which means it's just about race time."
She took her spot at the end of the line and listened intently to the remainder of the flyer introductions. It was a good way to get to know a little bit about her opponents before the green flag dropped.
"Sporting number 96, former world record holder for backwards flying in both speed and precision, and current Mr. Pegasus, Clamshell!" Fireworks burst as a black stallion with a red mane entered the arena. He posed dramatically before flexing his various muscles. Fillies, mares, and even a few stallions swooned as he twerked his muscular hindquarters.
"Haha, ever the showpony, Clamshell. Moving on, we have number 77, Cordoba the Corinthian!" A beige stallion covered almost completely in leather flew into the arena and removed his helmet, revealing a shock of jet black hair. The crowd needed no reminder of the legends of the fabled city of Corinthia, home to a tribe of warmongering pegasi from antiquity, most noted for skinning the hides off those they slew in battle and tanning them into leather. While the originality of the leather being truly Corinthian was dubious at best, the effect was the same. Most of the audience gasped in shock at such a barbaric display.
"Number 115, Sunshine Smiles!" Rainbow Dash paused at the name, blinked to clear her vision, and then looked at the stallion again. The bright yellow stallion had rainbow-colored hair similar to her own, and a cutie mark featuring a smiling sun. Vague memories from flight camp came back into focus reminding her she had known of him long ago. He had been in the previous year's class, and there had been more than a few rumors pertaining to the bullying of the poor colt. Apparently he'd bulked up in response and whoa be to whoever tried to pick on him now.
"Number 65, Boxcar!" A filthy pony so caked in mud that his true coat and hair color was indistinguishable from the muck flew into the arena. "Boxcar travels from town to town, taking odd jobs, whether it be boxing, bucking, or derbying. Rumor has it he once survived an entire year eating nothing but nails and broken glass." Boxcar flashed a smile to the audience and his opponents both, showing he was missing half his teeth.
"Next up is number 60, Leif Spring!"
"Oh you have got to be kidding me." Rainbow Dash facehoofed as a massive pegasus in a Viking motif entered the arena. His helmet sported two sharp, curving horns, discouraging opponents from 'accidentally' hitting his head.
"Buffly Tuff, number 33." The hot pink stallion whom had mocked her earlier flew out for his introduction to thunderous applause from the audience. "Buffly was voted last year's Most Popular Flyer here at the Cloudsdale Fairgrounds."
The announcer's voice was drowned out momentarily by a cheesy power ballad. "That's right, the Eye of the Tiger himself... sporting number 1, last year's Fairgrounds Classic demo derby champion, Clubber." The audience was nearly equally split between booing and cheering for the gold chain-bedecked black stallion. "Clubber was eight for ten in last year's derbies here." A giant wooden club marked his flank.
"And rounding out tonight's field, competing in her first, and probably last, demolition derby, number 88, Rainbow Crash."
"That's Dash... Rainbow Dash." Rainbow's correction was lost in the uproar of laughter from the crowd.
"She's a 100 to 1 long-shot so get those bets in now."
Two dozen ponies took their places in the arena and the officials closed the gates behind them, locking them in. The starting bell sounded and twenty-three burly stallions flew to the center of the track and collided with one another. Several fell to the clouds, rendered unconscious from the first hit of the night. Others barely managed to hobble away under their own wingpower. Rainbow Dash hovered in mid-air watching.
Remembering the hit clock, she dove after one of the stallions who remained barely aloft. Using her speed to her advantage, she knocked him into the clouds before he knew what hit him, eliminating him from the competition.
"Okay, just gotta keep doing that. Fly smart and keep moving."
"Nice moves... for a mare."
Rainbow Dash looked behind her and Buffly Tuff was gaining on her. "Hey! These are nice moves for anypony." She pumped her wings and accelerated away from him. Unfortunately, she was headed straight towards Sunshine Smiles. The yellow stallion smirked and changed his trajectory to intercept her. Rainbow Dash slowed and Buffly started getting closer.
"What's this? Looks like #88 is about to end up the filling in a pegasus sandwich! Oh I can't look! Okay, I lied. I can't look away! That's what we're all here for. Right?" The crowd responded favorably to the announcer's question.
Just as she was about to be slammed by both stallions, Dash pulled up. Sunshine and Buffly had no time to react and slammed into each other head on. Both fell to the clouds in a tangled heap. The audience roared with approval.
Just three minutes into the derby the attrition rate had claimed nearly half the competitors, with Rainbow Dash having taken out three of them personally. She spotted another stallion barely staying aloft after a particularly violent hit that had sent his opponent spiraling to the clouds and out of contention. She flew into his barrel as hard as she could, knocking him into the retaining wall. He slid down the wall and into the clouds below as she bounced off him and somersaulted back towards the middle of the arena. "Just keep flying. Just keep flying." She didn’t allow herself even a second to get orientated. She just flew around the arena looking for more targets.
She had by now caught the attention of Leif Spring, who had taken off in pursuit of her. He lowered his head and the Viking horns adorning his helmet pointed right at her as he charged. "Horseapples." She dodged, but one of his horns caught her as she barrel-rolled out of the way. Much to her surprise the horn bent as it impacted her withers. "Rubber?"
"Yeah, you don’t think they’d let me out here with metal ones, did you?" Leif asked as he turned to face her. He rammed her, but at such tight corners he didn’t have enough space to pick up enough speed to deal all that much damage to her. "Just make this look good, all right?" He pushed against her, driving her towards the retaining wall. "I don’t really want to hurt you."
"Then maybe you shouldn’t be competing in a demolition derby." Dash grinned as she slipped from his grasp. Leif bounced against the wall, though the force of the impact wasn’t enough to knock him out of the sky.
Dash dove for the clouds and Leif followed her. At the last second she pulled up, but so did Leif. Her plan to trick him into eliminating himself thwarted, and with Leif now furious with her, she ascended back towards the half a dozen or so pegasi still flying high above her. She struck a bright red pegasus from below, winding him. He stayed airborne a few more seconds, right until Leif also collided with him from below. The combined momentum and mass of the much heavier stallion finished off what Rainbow had started. He dropped like a rock to the clouds below. A green stallion joined him a few seconds later, knocked from the sky by Clubber.
"And then there were six!" screamed the announcer. Much to Rainbow’s surprise, she had survived longer than three-quarters of her competitors. The rest of the pegasi still flying all drifted down towards the clouds. Rainbow followed their lead, landing near the entrance to the locker room.
"Way to go, Rainbow Crash!"
She turned her attention to the bullies once again. "I made the finals and you’re still in the bleachers." She stuck her tongue out at them and trotted into the locker room.
The other finalists were already in there. Clubber had hit the showers. Cordoba was trying to pop Clamshell’s dislocated shoulder back into place. Boxcar was slathering mud onto the bare patches of fur that had come clean where he impacted other ponies. And Leif was waiting for her. She groaned internally as she passed him.
"Nice moves out there, kiddo."
The praise surprised her. "Huh? You’re not mad about earlier?"
Leif Spring waved a hoof dismissively. "Of course not. This is demo derby. We leave our aggression on the track. None of us expected you to make it this far."
Rainbow rubbed a hoof on her chest. "What can I say? I’m really good."
"Just so you know the rest of us were going easy on you. None of us really want to hit a mare, ya know what I’m sayin’? Don’t expect that in the finals. We all want to win just as badly as you do, and we’re not about to let some hotshot filly steal our win and our glory. You’ve proven whatever you wanted to prove just by making it to the finals. Nopony would fault you for saying you’re too injured to compete further."
"But I’m fine." Rainbow stretched her wings for emphasis.
"For now," Leif laughed halfheartedly. "Suit yourself, but don’t say I didn’t try to warn you. I’ll have flowers sent to your hospital room."
On the other end of the locker room were the ponies who hadn’t advanced to the finals for one reason or another. The most heavily-injured pegasi had a doctor attending to their wounds. There were some sprains, a few cracked ribs, and the most serious injury was a broken wing. Ten of the eighteen grounded ponies had patched up their own injuries as best they could. These ponies trotted out of the locker room and once more took to the sky for the consolation heat. The others had taken enough abuse for one evening.
The consolation heat lasted ten minutes. At the end three pegasi remained in the air, and those three transferred into the finals. Rainbow Dash cringed when she saw who two of the three were: Sunshine Smiles and Buffly Tuff. The third was Suicide Squad, a white stallion with red hair. The trio of stallions landed as the six survivors from the first heat trotted back out. Rainbow Dash brought up the rear, and the little voice inside her head was once more yelling at her to quit while she was ahead. Unfortunately, much like Fluttershy, the loudest volume Rainbow Dash’s voice of reason could achieve was barely above a whisper.
"We’re down to our final nine, folks!" The announcer walked down the row of ponies. "Let’s make some noise! Who do you think is gonna win tonight? Will it be Buffly Tuff?" Part of the crowd reacted favorably. "How about Sunshine Smiles?" Once more there was moderate cheering. "Rainbow Crash?" Not even a cricket chirped. "Hahaha, yeah right. How about Clubber?" The audience exploded into simultaneous booing and cheering. The rest of the ponies all received varying amounts of crowd enthusiasm. "Are you ready for the finals, ponies?" The crowd stamped their hooves in approval and a pretty mare landed in the center of the arena and held up a green flag.
"3…2…1…" She waved the flag as the announcer finished his countdown and quickly bolted for the safety of the locker rooms. Eight stallions took to the air and Rainbow quickly launched herself after them. Unlike the heat race, there was no massive collision in the center to start the finals.
Instead the eight stallions slowly circled the arena, scanning their opponents for weaknesses to exploit. Cordoba slammed a shoulder into Leif Spring and instantly the other six stallions sprang into action against one another. Rainbow hesitated for a minute, orienting herself and trying to figure out which of her opponents was currently the weakest.
"Uh-oh! It looks like they’re going for the jacking train!"
"What’s a jacking train?" Rainbow Dash turned and much to her horror saw Buffly Tuff, Sunshine Smiles, and Clamshell lined up nose-to-tail. She didn’t have time to dodge as Buffly slammed into her and shoved her halfway across the arena into the retaining wall. Sunshine Smiles slammed into him, and Clamshell slammed into all of them before flying off. Sunshine Smiles and Buffly Tuff staggered away from the impact, dazed but flying.
"We’ve seen some tough hits over the years, but that one ranks right up near the top of the list!" The audience cheered wildly.
"I think she’s really hurt," Hoops said, concern sneaking into his voice.
"Do you think we went too far this time?" asked Score.
"Hey, we didn’t do nothing. She’s a big girl. She made a decision to compete. She could’ve said ‘no’ and even after she said ‘yes’ she still could’ve backed out any time. If she gets her clock cleaned, that’s her own fault for being stubborn."
The force of the impact was so great Rainbow Dash had been slammed through the wall instead of merely against it. That was a lucky break for her, as it meant she hadn’t slid down to the clouds and hence been knocked out of contention. She shook the cobwebs out of her brain as she crawled out of the pegasus-shaped hole.
Rainbow Dash descended towards the clouds slowly, painfully. She’d be feeling that impact for the next few days. As she dropped, she considered dropping out of the competition entirely. She had to admit, it would be the smart thing to do. A sharp, stabbing pain shot through her barrel. No, she corrected herself, the smart thing would have been not to get roped into competing in the first place.
She hovered inches off the clouds, debating the merits of continuing. Glory. Pride. Bragging rights. Prize money. Were any of those really worth taking more of a beating than she already had? It was an absolute miracle none of her bones had been broken in the impact. She very likely had a concussion. Granted it was now well past the time when she could quit while she was still ahead, but she could at the very least minimize her losses by conceding defeat now.
"Land! Land! Land!"
Rainbow turned her head to look up at the audience. Dumbbell had started a chant, quickly joined by his companions and a sizable chunk of the section of the bleachers they were sitting in.
"No." She stretched her legs and wings, cracking the joints. Then she pounded her chest, and shot back up into the air.
"Seems like Rainbow Crash can take a lickin’ and keep on tickin’!"
Much to the prismatic mare’s surprise, the audience responded to the announcer with thunderous applause. She looked around, expecting that somepony else was about to knock her out of the sky once and for all, but all was clear around her. Remembering the Slacker Tracker, she scanned the arena for another pony to hit. According to the scoreboard all eight of her opponents were still aloft. Boxcar was approximately a dozen meters away from her. She turned and flew towards him, but he dodged as she approached.
Rainbow took note that the mud-soaked stallion had even caked his own flight feathers with mud, hampering his mobility. Using her speed and agility to her advantage she swooped on top of him, spinning around and delivering a series of bucks to his withers, barrel, and flank. Dazed, Boxcar flew slowly towards the retaining wall separating him from the crowd. With precision, Rainbow swiftly flew underneath his right wing, jabbing a hoof into a pressure point. With a cry of pain, Boxcar started dropping, one wing temporarily dangling uselessly. With a thud he hit the arena’s cloud floor, eliminating him from the competition.
The crowd was starting to cheer her on. She dodged as Sunshine Smiles fell from the sky above her, unconscious. She hadn’t seen the hit that had knocked him from contention, but she saw the impact crater in the clouds where he landed. "Two down, six to go."
"Hey! If it isn’t Rainbow Crash!" Clamshell was making a beeline for her.
"It’s not ‘Crash’ it’s ‘Dash’. My name is Rainbow Dash." She somersaulted in midair, landing deftly on the stallion’s back.
"Rainbow Dash? Rainbow Dash… Rainbow Dash…" Slowly the gears in Clamshell’s mind started turning. "You’s the mare that done broke all my backwards flying records! I’m gonna smash you!"
"Horseapples." She launched off his back and started flying backwards as Clamshell advanced on her. "Look on the bright side, you’re still Mr. Pegasus. I, uh, there’s no way I can possibly steal that away from you."
"That’s ‘cause you’s a mare. Mares can’t be a Mr. anything."
"Exactly! So your status is completely unthreatened by me."
"Except I’m inel…ineg… not allowed to compete again next year. So next year there’s gonna be a new Mr. Pegasus that isn’t me." Rainbow kept flying backwards and Clamshell spun around to do the same. "How’s about we race? Let’s see if you’s really is as fast as me."
Rainbow got a very good look at Clamshell’s massive hindquarters. And much to her dismay, his rump was getting closer and closer to her. She was sore. She was nearing exhaustion. But Clamshell twerked his rear-end in a crushing motion, and that was more than enough to motivate her into flying faster. She shot up and forward, leaving Clamshell to wonder where she disappeared to. He slammed hindquarters-first into the cheap seats, scattering the pegasi who had been sitting there as they scrambled to get out of his path of destruction.
"Hahahaha," the announcer laughed into his microphone. "And that’s a great reminder that demolition derby remains the most dangerous sport not just for competitors, but for spectators too!" Rainbow Dash facehoofed as the audience cheered at the thought of their safety being compromised. "If anypony needs medical attention, please remain still and continue bleeding profusely. Our completely unlicensed doctor will attend to your wounds in order of most blood loss. The more you bleed, the faster you get medical assistance!"
"There’s something seriously wrong with all of these ponies," Rainbow Dash muttered as the audience continued cheering.
Clamshell pulled himself out of the audience but one of the officials waved a black flag at him. Stunned, he started to sit down, but the official quickly asked him not to. Two nurses ran up to him and extricated an unlucky stallion who’d managed to get squished against his backside.
"How embarrassing! How’s that guy ever going to explain that to his boss when he doesn’t show up for work tomorrow?" The audience roared with laughter at the pegasus’ plight.
Unfortunately for Clamshell, the black flag also meant he had been disqualified. In the time it took to separate the two stallions, he’d been out of the air too long. He glared at Rainbow Dash, flared his nostrils, and stomped back to the locker room in defeat.
High above her, Clubber and Cordoba the Corinthian collided with one another. The entire building shook from the force of the impact, and Cordoba wobbled away from the collision unsteadily. Clubber mercilessly rammed into him again, knocking Cordoba’s helmet completely off in the process. The beige stallion signaled his submission. He glided to the floor of the arena, gingerly landed, retrieved his helmet, and limped away.
"That was a headshot! That’s against the rules."
"You’ve got a lot to learn." Buffly Tuff sneered at her. "The first rule of demolition derby is there are no rules. The second rule is in the event of any questions, refer back to rule #1. In other words, little filly, anything goes."
"Anything goes? All right, here I go!" Before Buffly could get any closer to her Rainbow took off in a rainbow-colored blur. She circled around the bright pink stallion faster and faster, creating a tornado. She hovered in place and landed well-timed bucks to Buffly every time the tornado brought him close to her. Noticing that Suicide Squad was now heading towards her, she released the tornado, shoving it straight towards the ground. Buffly sat in the clouds, watching the world spin around him. She turned to face the approaching pegasus stallion. "Your name doesn’t make any sense."
"It doesn’t?"
"No. A squad is comprised of multiple ponies. And you’re only one stallion."
"Huh, you’re right."
"Then again, you’re big enough to be a squad all by yourself."
"Yeah!" He pumped a hoof into the air. "Hey! Wait a minute. Are you making fun of me?"
"Not at all. Just trying to help clear up this little grammar lesson." Rainbow mentally cringed. Spending time with Twilight Sparkle was slowly turning her into an egghead. As she distracted him, she positioned herself above the stallion. Folding her wings, she stuck out one of her hind hooves and connected with Squad’s back. The white and red stallion grunted, and Rainbow used her momentum to slam him into the clouds below.
Hooves cracked and bleeding, Rainbow Dash once more ascended. Targets were fewer than they’d been earlier. With more than a little pride, she beamed at how many she’d removed from the derby personally. Leif and Clubber slammed into her from opposite directions simultaneously. Clubber slammed into her barrel from the right while Leif smashed into her flank from the left. The resulting hit sent Rainbow spinning out of control. Thinking that Dash had been eliminated, Leif and Clubber circled around each other, trying to take one another out.
Dash opened her eyes as the ground rushed towards her. She snapped her wings open and flapped with all her might. There was a nasty bruise obscuring her lightning bolt cutie mark where Leif had impacted her. And judging from the pain from her shoulder, it had probably been dislocated from Clubber’s hit.
A horned helmet narrowly missed her as she righted herself. Much to her surprise Leif Spring was still flying, but only barely. Clubber grinned at him and removed his own helmet, revealing a black Mohawk haircut. They rammed into each other again and then again immediately afterwards. Leif was wobbling more with each impact. Rainbow Dash flew towards her two remaining opponents, rapidly closing the gap and slamming into Clubber from below. Winded, he momentarily dropped before remembering to flap his wings. Leif circled around and landed another hit on him, but Clubber just flared his nostrils and snorted.
Continuing to ascend, Rainbow Dash looked below her. She had reached the ceiling of the arena. It was one of the tallest structures in Cloudsdale, but was there enough room to gather speed for her signature move? There was only one way to find out. She gulped and dove. If she had miscalculated, she’d slam right through the clouds below and out of the competition.
Gathering speed, she shattered the sound barrier directly between her two opponents, blowing them to the far corners of the arena. Leif slammed the wall and dropped like a rock to the clouds below. Clubber tumbled end over end, but righted himself inches away from the wall. Laughter echoed from the fans in the stands above him.
"Nice cutie mark!"
Clubber turned to look at his flank. The crudely-drawn wooden club he had taped over his real cutie mark had been torn loose when the visible light spectrum shattered around him, exposing his real cutie mark for all the world to see: a disco mirror ball.
"Not the kind of clubbing I expected you to like." Dash taunted the hulking stallion. "Disco, disco Dash! Shake, shake, shake…shake, shake, shake… shake your cutie! Shake your cutie!" She shook her hindquarters at him, much to the delight of the crowd.
"Rainbow Crash! Rainbow Crash!" the audience chanted.
"Yeah, go Dash!" Score and Dumbbell turned towards the third member of their party. "Uh.... she's at 100 to 1 odds so I put ten bits on her to win."
"I pity th’ foo’ who makes me a laughingstock!" Clubber was now seeing red. He flew towards Rainbow, and when she dodged he was ready for it, lifting a foreleg up and striking her jaw.
"Headshot! Intentional headshot!"
"Nopony. Cares. Foo’." Clubber said through clenched teeth.
"Boooooooooo!"
"Sounds like the audience cares."
"Let me rephrase that for you, foo’. Nopony important cares. You know, like the officials. You seen any refs? ‘Cause I sure haven’t."
Rubbing her jaw, Rainbow started flying away from Clubber backwards. Clubber continued gaining on her. But every time he got close, she dodged and headed in a different direction entirely. Rainbow Dash led Clubber around the arena, gaining altitude as he closed the distance between them. She feinted left, then dove straight down. Clubber lunged to the right, smashing through the retaining wall separating the arena from the audience. Fortunately, Hoops, Dumbbell, and Score were there to break his fall. And a few of their own bones.
Pulling himself out of the hole in the retaining wall, Clubber snorted. "Nice try, filly."
"Thanks for that – those three knuckleheads have been heckling me all night. They’re the ones who roped me into doing this in the first place."
Clubber glared at the trio of bullies. "So you foo’s think demo derby is easy? Why don’t you come out here and show us what you’re made of?" He picked up Dumbbell, bench pressing him twice before flinging him into the arena. He grabbed Hoops and Score by the scruffs of their necks as they attempted to flee and tossed them into the field of play as well.
"No sir! That’s why we were staying up in the stands, sir."
"Please don’t kill us."
"You plead for mercy, but you punks think sending a petite mare to compete with buff stallions is funny? I’m gonna enjoy breaking the three of you even more than I’m gonna enjoy breaking her when this is all over." Clubber grinned at Rainbow Dash. "Don’t think you’re gettin’ off the hook that easy, foo’."
"Duly noted. But thanks for giving me the opportunity to do what I came here to do." She turned her attention to her tormentors. "So boys, looks like you’re going to play whether you want to or not. Let’s rock and roll!" She pounded her chest and started flying circles around Hoops. He kept spinning around to watch her, until he got dizzy and started losing altitude. Dash swooped down and slammed him into the clouds, eliminating him from contention. "That was weak, dude. Even for you."
Score and Dumbbell struck her simultaneously from the right, knocking her into a barrel roll. The two stallions tumbled over her, somersaulting. Rainbow closed her eyes, took a deep breath, opened her eyes and lashed out with all four hooves. She clobbered Score, knocking him into Dumbbell. She righted herself and flew after the pair of bullies while they tumbled about. She grabbed Score around the waist and flew straight up. Halfway to the top, she dropped the stallion and he dropped like a rock, screaming in terror.
"Is he going to remember he can fly?" She watched him slam into the clouds below. "Nope."
Dumbbell tried to crash into her, but she dodged his clumsy move easily. "I see why you hang out with those two losers. They’re the only ponies you can find with an IQ lower than yours."
Dumbbell growled and lunged at her. "Stay still!"
"What’s the matter? Is the weak little filly too fast for the big, strong stallion?" Rainbow Dash continued zipping around him, stirring up the winds. "You’re not even going to make this a little challenging? I’ve gone to a lot of effort tonight getting this far. I mean, this should be the boss battle, right? Your goons are already down for the count." She shoved him into the wall. "And yet, you’re more like the tutorial mode."
Dumbbell bounced off the wall and once again charged towards Rainbow Dash. Rainbow dodged his advance, yet again. "You’re not very good at this game, are you?" She booped him on the nose. "Tag! You’re it!" She flew away and he pursued. Rainbow flew lazy laps around the arena, never letting him fall too far behind, yet never letting him get close enough to land a hit on her. Suddenly, she poured on the speed and darted straight up. Dumbbell turned his head to follow her movements and crashed into something hard. He turned to look at what he’d just clobbered.
"Hey, remember me, foo’?" Clubber grinned and smacked his hooves together in glee. "Boo." Dumbbell did the only thing he could do in this situation: he fainted and dropped to the clouds, out of contention.
Battered and bruised, but with her tormentors eliminated, Rainbow Dash fluttered down to the clouds. Let Clubber have the victory – she’d accomplished her goal for the evening. But before she could land, Clubber grabbed her tail in his teeth and yanked, jerking her back up into the airspace.
"The only thing I hate more than losing is somepony lettin’ me win, foo’. You done did what you set out t’ do, now it’s my turn to do what I set out to do. And that’s win."
"I’m sore. I’m tired. And I proved that even battered and exhausted I’m still more pony than the three of them combined. Meanwhile, you’ve been flying around resting for the last five minutes while I took care of the brainless trio. I’m conceding defeat while it’s still an option instead of mandatory."
Clubber flew into her, smashing his barrel into hers. From a distance, it almost looked as if they were hugging. He whispered into her ear, "If you really want out, fake a broken back. You’ve got about thirty seconds to make a decision. Start thinking." He lifted her above his own head and started flying towards the roof. His voice boomed across the arena, "Where has your courage gone, little pegasus? Where’s your passion, your desire, your daringness? Has it fled your body now that you’ve encountered your superior in combat? I’m going to bring you down upon my knee, foo’, and your spine will shatter. If you’re lucky, you’ll hit the clouds in agony. I understand there are unicorn doctors who can fix that. Of course, if you’re unlucky, you’ll plunge through the clouds and splatter against the ground a minute later. I hope you like disco, little filly. Because right now, your goal is simple: Stayin’ Alive."
The crowd booed him as he brought his forelegs down towards his outstretched hind leg, but Rainbow twisted out of his grip mid swing.
He chuckled. "Somehow I didn’t think giving up was a thing for you. All right, let’s do this!"
Dash flew backwards, while Clubber followed slowly. She feinted left but Clubber moved to block. She dove, and he followed. She was straining herself. Her whole body ached. The beating she’d taken in the derby was far more intense than her normal workout routines. She was fading fast, so if she had any hope of winning the derby she needed to end it sooner rather than later. She didn’t have another rainboom left in her.
She couldn’t outrun him. Ramming him would be about as effective as a dragonfly hitting an elephant. That didn’t really leave her with a lot of options in a demolition derby. It seemed as if outsmarting him was her best chance. She was no egghead by any means, but she’d picked up a few things hanging around Twilight Sparkle. Logically, he’d also be tired and sore at this point. However, he was stronger, and more experienced. Which meant he was barely showing any signs of fatigue.
Dash analyzed her strengths: speed and agility. She was short on speed at the moment, but she could still outmaneuver Clubber. She zoomed towards him, and when he moved to intercept, she barrel rolled over him, striking him in a wing as she rolled over him.
Clubber winced and his flying became more erratic. He was still airborne, but his good wing was overcompensating for the one she’d hit. He was off-balance. She rammed into his flank as hard as she could. The hit itself barely damaged the muscular stallion, but her momentum was sufficient to push him into a tailspin. With one good wing, he couldn’t recover. Dash trailed him on the way down to the clouds. Once he was close to the bottom, she closed the gap and slammed him one last time, pushing him the rest of the way to the clouds.
The crowd started cheering wildly. For once in her life Rainbow Dash didn’t care. The adrenaline rush had long worn off. The roar of the crowd, usually invigorating to her, was mere background noise. Even the sight of the three bullies being tended to by a nurse did nothing more than bring a slight smile to her face. She landed next to the announcer and wobbled unsteadily on her hooves. He took one of her wings in his own and raised it. "Your winner and new Fairgrounds Classic champion, Rainbow Crash!"
The crowd continued cheering and Rainbow grinned. Battered. Exhausted. Yet somehow, amazingly, still triumphant. She waved to the crowd as she accepted a trophy nearly as big as she was. She trotted into the locker room where she found Clubber waiting for her.
"Good derby, filly."
Rainbow Dash looked up at the hulking stallion. He was smiling at her. "But I ruined your career!"
Clubber waved a hoof, dismissively. "No you didn’t. You just ended my character. I was getting tired of playing the villain anyway. My next ponysona will be somepony the audience cheers for." He snickered and added, "Foo’. Anyways, me and Leif are gonna go distract Clamshell for a bit. You may want to take the opportunity to leave… Before he remembers he wants to smash you. You can pick up your winnings in the office upstairs."
After grabbing her winnings, she trotted towards the grandstands. Dumbbell, Hoops, and Score weren’t hard to find. "This trophy and all these bits for winning first place sure are heavy. I don’t know how a delicate, dainty mare like me can carry it all the way back to Ponyville."
"Shut up, Dash. We’re not in the mood to hear about how you cheated your way into winning."
She smacked Dumbbell upside the head for that comment. "You deserve that. So let’s recap this, shall we boys?" Hoops groaned, and Score glared at the prismatic pegasus. "You roped me into competing in a demolition derby. You didn’t compete yourselves, because let’s face it, you guys are wimps. Yet, because I’m the awesome mare I am, I not only emerged from the derby intact, I won too. And somehow, perhaps because you three have built up some seriously bad karma, you’ve ended up injured from a demolition derby you didn’t even compete in. Well, not willingly anyway. And despite the fact I was already worn out from knocking around stallions four times my size, I still managed to take out all three of you single-hoovedly. And yet you three still refuse to concede that I’m awesome? Explain to me, exactly, how I cheated."
"You just did. How else do you explain that?" He pointed to the trophy.
"You know what? You’re a delusional, arrogant jerk. You saw me win with your own eyes. You felt me knock you out of the competition personally. And yet because I won, somehow, I must have cheated. Stop living in denial. It’s okay, you can tell me I’m awesome." As if to punctuate the point, the nurse attending to Score chose that moment to set his dislocated shoulder and he howled in pain. "Eh, close enough."
"I may be in pain, but you made me a thousand bits tonight." Hoops held up his winning bet. "You were at 100-to-1 odds so I threw ten bits on you."
"And that should just about cover my services patching you three up." The nurse snatched the bet slip from him. "Let this be a lesson to you. Next time, sit in the nosebleed section." She turned to Rainbow. "As for you, that was one amazing derby! You want me to look at those injuries? Competitors aren’t charged for my services."
"You charged us!"
"You three didn’t sign the waiver, and hence weren’t official entrants. Too bad, so sad, better luck next time. Besides, did you see her out there? She was incredible! You three were lame."
"Thanks." Dash blushed.
The nurse steered her towards the arena’s medical facilities. "First we’ll make sure you’re okay, and then I’ll give you a nice massage that should loosen up all those tight muscles."
Author's Note
Many of the ponies here are based on the preferred cars for demolition derbies.
Cordoba the Corinthian is based on the 1975-1979 Chrysler Cordoba (with its rich Corinthian leather).
Clamshell is based on the Clamshell GM station wagons of 1971-1976.
Leif Spring is based on the leaf spring Fords of the late ‘50s and early ‘60s, truly the first of the great derby cars.
Suicide Squad is based on the 1961-1969 Lincoln Continental, known for its rear-hinged ‘suicide’ rear doors.
Boxcar is based on the 1964-1966 Imperial, a car so tough most demolition derbies ban the use of them.
